Masterchef Goes Large

Eggs Benedict.

Eggs Benedict -vs- Pain Perdu.

Sheridan ftw!

Emily must win

recap of yesterdays programme>>recap of each contestant's performance so far>>"cooking "DOESN'T get TOUGHER then THIS"/"if they win this it will CHANGE their LIVES">> overlong introduction to each new cook>> tiny bit of cooking then judging>> recap of the tiny bit of cooking we have just seen even though we just watched it>> professional kitchen for 5 minutes>> recap of professional kitchen we just watched combines with another recap of round one /"experimental cook emily impressed in the first round but she floundered in the professional kitchen">> 5 minutes of cooking then judging then fake devils advocate thing between john and greg to decide the winner>> preview of tomorrow's show. they would recap the preview but the show has to end some time.

SO addicted to the programme. Where the fuck did they dig up identivoice shouty guys? They must be the most charmless presenters on TV, which kind of adds to the show's compellingness.

Experimental Emily.
Single-dad Jonny.
Banker Sheridan.
Nothing to say about stupid-haired other guy.

Bald shouty guy used to be Millwall hooligan.

What was the format of the show in the Grossman years - I can only think of that Reeves and Mortimer sketch?

That's the best way to remember it. Print the legend.

arr.

I think every reality show now does this interminable recap nonsense. Dog Borstal and the Panic Room are hour-long shows!

they all do recaps but this show takes it to a whole new level.

i thought it was a bit ridiculous to go through six weeks of heats to eliminate 2 qrt finalists in a one show chicken cook-off.

emily ftw. i wish they'd go back to the early evening slot cos i keep missing it now.

I only see bits of it. Have they asked Sheridan why she's got a bloke's name?

i wish they'd go back to the early evening slot cos i keep missing it now.

Me too. Last series it was on half an hour after I usually got back from work, which was absolutely perfect as it's great wind down from the day telly.

Farewell to Sheridan last night. Her nerves let her down, and she was starting to look a bit out of her depth.

Emily must win.

yes. even clare rayner's son, family guy and the obnoxious woman recognised her genius. the best bit was when john torrode got all serious about the chip "people KNOW what a chip is" and then greg wallace didn't really know what to say. turned out he was right though.

I was gutted for Johnny last night, he's the only one I actually like. God that food critic woman had an arsey face.

what a miserable looking bitch, i kept thinking. actually she wasn't as bad as i had anticipated.

james is going to win but i'd like emily to.

Sheridan's the only one whose personality I found annoying, so I'm glad she's gone.

I keep expecting James to say "which was nice".

It bugs me a bit how everyone's like 'It's my dream to work in a pro kitchen'. Well do then! If you've got a modicum of cooking talent, as even the shittest contestants do, how hard can it be to get a low-end job in one?

they don't know they're being filmed

every section recorded in a professional kitchen cements my belief that working in one would be an absolute nightmare. people yearn to do this day after day?

it's the final.
emily just had jt virtually in tears with the genius of her scallops and beetroot vermicelli. she MUST win.

"Women fall in love with men who make pudding like that, Jonny"

that was an entirely prxedictable cop-out. load of rubbish.

MPW hair man won.

Emily's blatantly going to do really well for herself anyway.

Aye, that's what we said - Emily didn't *need* to win, I reckon she will have her own show/restaurant/cookbooks before too long on the back of that. Curly-haired dude wanted it too badly, and it was odd that he won despite displaying all the trying-too-hard overcomplicating-it that made them kick Craig Revel Horwood out of the celebrity one. I guess they thought he needed it more having jacked in his stupidly paid last job to fulfil his dream of being a chef and doing it by going on the telly rather than getting an actual job.

Jonny might as well not have been there, tbh.

the new loyd grossman sauce ads, with all those people doing impressions of him, i'm finding inexplicably hilarious.

nah

the new loyd grossman sauce ads, with all those people doing impressions of him, i'm finding inexplicably hilarious.

Hah, so does my girlfriend. I think they're OK.

Celebrity Masterchef in twenty minutes.

COOKING DOESN'T GET TOUGHER THAN THIS!

JOHN TORODE IS BACK THEN?

I saw John Torode doing a demonstration at a food fair in Devizes. He was flanked by a massive photograph of himself, confirming my opinion of him being a tool.

A friend of mine who's a chef has met him a few times and can confirm that he is indeed a tool.

And the other one's a jumped up greengrocer.

I've got a lot more time for Greg than John.

I actually watched last night's on the iplayer after getting back from the pub. That's how shamelessly addicted I am.

It's an hour long tonight too. Fuck, between this and trying to finish the Wire before half the world accidentally tells me what happens I have no time for anything else.

The new food recognition round in the quarter finals is bullshit.

And the 'passion test' is even bullshittier.

The new food recognition round in the quarter finals is bullshit.

this was always in it but yeah it's wrong. just have the show being four of them cook a 3 course meal. it doesn't make any sense to get rid of one after that ingredients test, it kind of negates that whole day. worse comes later when one of the semi finalists gets knocked out in a similar half baked episode essentially writing off a whole week of the competition.

having said that, this years is much better for the simple reason that they reduced the recapping & voice overs by at least 2/3rds.

Yeah i thought I noticed there was more cooking action this time 'round. We can't stop watching.

The professional kitchen round never seems to count for much. Also, whoever Torode likes best always wins.

Has the food recognition really been there all along? I can't remember it at all, goes to show what boring telly it makes for.

I wish they'd bring back the man who cooked the pork chop in the first episode.

haha that guy was great

Also, lest we forget:

something about watching people eat and then make comments is hilarious

i only saw this briefly last night but what was the deal w/ the woman doing chorizo, soy sauce & peaches??? oh man

That Reeves & Mortimer Masterchef sketch is possibly my favourite ever of their sketches, "how innovative!"

absolutely dis-licious.

I once had a nightmare about Vic Reeves as Grossman.

Hahahaha, budget professional kitchen test today, it was in Wagamama in Camden!

last night's was priceless - everyone was shit but shittest of all was the guy who made halved boiled new potatoes (still hard) with a tin of chickpeas and chopped bacon on top... all in a thin blood-red tomato sauce.

Yeah, that was astounding. He was a cider salesman with a comedy west country accent.

(xpost) that sounds dreadful, like one of my old student era experiments.

"I wouldn't send it back but I'd probably ask for the service charge to be removed" - you idiot! What part of SERVICE charge don't you understand?

Or... that's what I've always thought. Is the cooking part of the 'service'?

Not that I wanna turn this into another tipping thread.

Torode displaying his empathy for the working man there.

Why does Torode ALWAYS get his way on split decisions?

because the other guy is a grocer?

the big guy should have won tonight.

the big guy with the shaved head and beard was amazing, his smoked scallops dish was off the hook

really think they should get rid of the restaurant section and replace it with the 'following classic recipes' section from professional masterchef w/michel roux

jed with the truthbomb re:wallace as grocer... ow

lots of times if it's a toss-up, the cute girl will win too

torode is obv a perv

love the format, episodes are the same every time, including candidates' motivations, comments when rejected ("i'm more determined than ever etc."), the decision making & arguments of torode and wallace, expressions ("best blahblahblah i've had in a very very long time"). and they tend to go for promising over solid in the first rounds, which i don't mind at all.

i agree that the passion- and ingredient rounds have to go though.

and i like cozen's suggestion wrt following classic recipes a lot! also right about the amazingness of bald/beardy guy's two course meal.

oh, i didn't liek that guy. i thought sticky toffee pud woman should have won.

that episode really shd have been the final, they were all really good

last night's heat was amazingly good too. the contrast to the previous night was ridic. the woman who won monday's was probably a worse cook that me.

god yeah the monday one was awful!

we shd have a masterchef: final party : D

didn't see the monday episode but the guy with the potatoes+chickpeas+corn dish was classick.

in which british military training camp will the finalists be dropped this year?

czn yes!

potatoes chickpeas and bacon guy was apparantly "the worst contested we have ever had on masterchef" but i thought i could have eaten that dish if i really had to. the big woman the previous week who made the risotto and then decided to blend it into a soup? that looked literally inedible.

potatoes chickpeas and bacon guy was apparantly "the worst contested we have ever had on masterchef" but i thought i could have eaten that dish if i really had to.

I would've made that dish. Everything I ever cook is like a nightmarish invention round, where I haven't quite decided what I'm doing and adding more spices just so it tastes of something (I blame this on having to cook for a vegetarian having lived off meat'n'veg or meat-in-sauce for most of my life). The voiceover would call me an 'experimental chef' and they would worry that I'd put too many flavours in. But I've never considered blending risotto.

Whilst watching monday's episode of high hilarity (the guy who chopped his thumb off must be glad that other guy came along and did that other thing) I said to my girlfriend "they should send these to somewhere like Wagamama 'cos they're all useless". And then they did, and apparently it was really hard (I didn't see it last night).

Another of my disastrous cooking experiments involved tuna and sweetcorn, and a whole load of other stuff I kept adding to try and get it to taste nice, all cooked together in a wok that was filled almost to the brim. And it was a big wok as well, allegedly stolen from a Chinese restaurant. The end result was disgusting, looking like anaemic rhino diarrhoea. No-one would eat it.

wasn't the guy who look liked he murdered his food - "the worst contested we have ever had on masterchef" - a vegetarian who cooked bacon? that could explain a lot.

I think the only thing that was really hard about the Wagamama shift was the workload. Dishes looked very simple and were preprepared to a large extent imo.

risotto into soup (or rather, mush) woman was major lolz

xpost why then would he use the bacon in the first place?

What did he say? Not being able to taste the food is "a barrier I'll have to get over". Good luck with that one.

Risotto woman tried to pass it off as 'a rice soup'. I have never heard of a rice soup.

I was rooting for the Aussie girl with her batshit combinations in the really high quality quarter final, probably because I quite fancied her.

How do some of these people get on TV, they can't cook.

including candidates' motivations, comments when rejected ("i'm more determined than ever etc.")

i could really do without this bit, personally...

I think they chuck a few in for deliberate comedy value.

xpost

yeah, they should do a 10 minute iplayer version where they cut out all the bullshit about motivations and "it doesn't get tougher than this" etc.

I was rooting for the Aussie girl with her batshit combinations in the really high quality quarter final, probably because I quite fancied her.

You are a sick man.

a hoy hoy otm

alba otm : )

has a vegetarian chef (who cooked only vegetarian) ever showed up on masterchef? wasn't there a vegan gastromoleculist on america's next top chef?

I'm sorry, gents, but cooking doesn't get any tougher than this

omg that guy Jeremy was so hot.

xpost he says that every week!

i was glad Julian didn't win last night although i totally thought he would. another posh middle aged man who loves french classics. as soon as i saw him i thought he was gonig to win the series.

ugh I would've barfed

loved the grocer's performance when he was eating the winner's pud

is the word engorged?

and he started giggling and everything

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/10092/1233914208/gregchomp.gif

I'm not enjoying the returnees as much as the newbies.

LOLLLOLLLOOOLLLL @ gif

i know, who the hell wants to watch 10 minutes of them not poaching eggs properly? poaching eggs is difficult anyway and it takes a while to learn to do it the catering way (making it more like a ball rather than flat like a fried egg that's been poached) not being able to do it doesn't make you a bad chef and it's boring to watch.

having said that, last night's cook off was really good.

in terms of last week i was really amazed that cypriot guy made it to quarter finals let alone the semis.

that gif is repulsive.

I couldn't begrudge cypriot guy being let through because he seemed like such a sweetheart.

That pigeon pasta thing looked amazing and made me hungry.

it was good to see that guy andy go through to the semi finals, he was definitely the most talented. the shine was kind of taken off it when it was revealed that two of the six semi finalists would be eliminated on monday though - does this not strike you as a huge waste of time? just like the elimination after the ingredients test where they could easily just have all four contestants in the cook off. getting rid of two contestants in one day basically just renders two of the preceeding six weeks a complete waste of time.

also, i have to say that in the first half of last night's show Michelle was given a pretty rough deal having to make eggs benedict and smoked salmon w/ scrambled eggs while the woman with the red hair was being praised for her omlettes. eggs benidict is pretty complicated and there are 4 distinct constituent elements which have to be co-ordinated (& a hollandaise is quite difficult to make) whereas an omlette is a one pan dish that's pretty easy to make well by most people's standards. add to that the fact that michelle was also in charge of the smoked salmon w/ scrambled eggs, i just couldn't see how those tasks were supposed to be evenly matched.

I thought the same thing.

I'm evolving a theory that all of the food that the contestants make actually tastes awful--for all that John+Gregg try to make themselves come off as 'tough' judges (cooking doesn't get any tougher than this!), the food is for the most part judged to be quite good. You'd think, with the difficulty of the challenges, there'd be a lot more absolute disasters, no?

A lot of the time the highest praise John seems to manage is "I would eat all of it" - the way I was brought up eating all of it was the only option. Also if everything tasted some sort of average but they were saying it was great, the awful guy with the ham+tomato sauce must've been actually inedible.

i do remember reading that by the time the judges get to taste the food, most of it is cold

Ain't they heard of microwaves?!

Haha, peach and potato cake! PEACH AND POTATO?

Yeah that was awes. I totally wanted Denisse (or however she spells it) to go through though instead of fat baldy ;_;

yeah i'd have chosen dennise over fat baldy or cypriot guy. 4 guys in the final is just much less interesting.

Last year's winner's last year.

I wonder how many of the guys they served lunch to 'today' still have their jobs.

kinda losing interest in this now the girls are gone.

Yeah me too; I'm excited about absolutely none of the remaining contestants. (I'll predict Andy to win.)

the two bald guys should have their own show. the two posh dudes are rank, esp the tall beaky one who never stops grinning.

really really don't want anton lavey to win

this has gone dud. the two old dudes are kind of horrible to watch, especially fat baldy, while the youngest guy is decent but kind of bland (plus, i'll bet he's out next) and the guy who is going to win is kind of arrogant in an offhand and not very interesting way (in Televisual terms). when it's not boring it's slightly repulsive.

ok, i'm exaggerating a wee bit.

Is the final tonight? I've completely lost interest this week, apart from the fact I've been out every night when it's been on and haven't had a chance to catch up. Partly because I know the girls went out on Monday, combined with losing two people after all that.

the two posh dudes are rank, esp the tall beaky one who never stops grinning.

― go back to ur game of Croquette ye posho's (stevie), Tuesday, February 17, 2009 10:28 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

this is only the semis, isn't it?

next week is another semis

Mostly I wonder what they do with all the plates of leftover food after John and whatsisface (Greg?) eat all of their two bites of it. I mean the portions are often small to begin with but it seems like such a waste of tasty food. Especially desserts...

Bet they regretted kicking off (one of) the girls and keeping in Chris dude who seems to be fucking up all over the place.

So they get rid of two, and then get rid of no-one, and they're doing 'weird' challenges all week? Nearly as bad as the Restaurant program that had some famous chef and no-one ever left - at the end of each episode he'd say some of them weren't quite good enough and would have to do a special challenge, and eventually they got rid of someone. Went on forever. They should make the winner of The Restaurant hire the winner of Masterchef.

Hmm. Might have a big iplayer catch-up at the weekend.

this show is broken now. too much of an okay thing, every episode is THE SAME and tbh i could care less how they fare in a Wimpy kitchen, i want to know what recipes they will make. and cut with the constant 'i really want to win' soliloquies, this isn't x-factor and if you're competing then your desire to win is a given.

in short: i care about food, not your pitiful lives.

I'm pretty sure they lose one person tonight, leaving three for the 'final' next week. I.e., there is no other semifinal group.

I have watched every episode and yes, there are no new semi-finalists to be pulled out of a hat next week, I'm afraid, cozen.

I have a strange mancrush on young Christopher.

is he the one who gives off an air of ineptitude?

Ineptitude! No, I think he gives off a very placid kind of grace, with deep reservoirs of competence. He was a bit fucked over on the ravioli. That was his first non-seasoning related slip-up, I think.

Mat and Chris (the two older guys) do make a great double-act.

Andy is objectionable, but perhaps only because I like all the other three so much.

xpost he's the one who can't quite grow a beard, though not for lack of trying

Chris is growing on me, though only in a 'I'm rooting for that guy' type of way, not in a 'I'd really like to eat his food' way.

I apologise for confusing his very placid kind of grace, with deep reservoirs of competence, for ineptitude

heartened by your disgust for the grinning idiot : )

I really hate that grinning idiot Mat, the man's a fool.

Young Christopher is ok, but he's not that good a cook yet

Older Chris also OK but would never last in a pro kitchen.

Andy will win I think but, summat not quite right about him.

Mat is a sweetheart. UR mean.

Andy will win I think but, summat not quite right about him.

its the fact that, even when he's done wrong or is being criticised, he sports this grin that seems to say "i really don't care".

I can't quite place Mat's accent, is he a kiwi?

I thought South African at first, then the jibes about North Americans ruining bacon with maple syrup made me think a weird Canadian. But maybe kiwi, yeah.

He's insanely patronising though, when he "took charge" of Chris the other day, annoyed me intensely.

Stevie - I think you may be otm regarding Andy's "your puny words can't hurt me" attitude.

Andy's the only guy I actually dislike, he has a very smug face. The rest are all sound enough.

i can't believe you are slagging off Andy when Chris and Mat are still violating the screen.

six semi finalists - get rid of two in the first episode of the week and one more in the last episode of the week IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE.

What have you got against my Chris?

the 'actually who wins' bit of masterchef is rubbish and not worth watching or complaining about. just watch the initial lol rounds and then turn over. i don't really care when it all gets 'but your food is poncy but not as poncy as a masterchef could do'.

oh, christopher is okay. seems a good chap but he just freezes in front of the camera.

xpost

OK, what have you got against older Chris?

he's hideous to look at and he shouldn't be in the final.

Until I saw his fish dish from last night I was having serious doubts as to whether he could cook much at all.

The potatoes with his Beef Wellington were undercooked but at least he managed to make the beef part properly, unlike pointy-noised Andy.

It's a bit mad that beef wellington's supposed to have a crepe in, I never knew that.

Larrousse says it does, a few other recipes for it that I have say no. (yep, I checked this morning after watching it)

Watching Telly doesn't GET ANY TOUGHER THAN THIS!!!!!

1) i feel like the bloke being given a second chance is cheating somewhat.
2) i'm not sure the food critics all wanted to like the food they were being served.

female food critic was horrid.

also, charles campion = http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/features/health/theskinny/blog/griffinpeter.jpg

Kate Spicer is actually rather nice, i think. she is just cursed with a miserable expression (she did a show where she readily admitted this) and she was playing up to her role as evil restaurant critic somewhat.

although i said this last year:

what a miserable looking bitch, i kept thinking. actually she wasn't as bad as i had anticipated.

james is going to win but i'd like emily to.

― jed_, Friday, 22 February 2008 11:53 (11 months ago) Bookmark

kate spicer is hott

I said it

he's the one who can't quite grow a beard, though not for lack of trying

This is neckstubble guy? he is TRYING to grow a NECKBEARD, and FAILING? That there tells you enough about his competence and taste.

I forgot how much I always enjoy the critics round. Moody bitch lady, seen tonight incongruously rocking a headscarf, is totally formidable.

Also, what was with that dish that required Andy to take a blowtorch to various bits of a dead chicken then make it do synchronised dancing with another dead chicken? Looked like a wind-up.

He was burning off all the tiny feathers that you can't pluck by hand.

Essentially though it was just roast chicken, fucking expensive stuffed with truffles roast chicken, but roast chicken.

Why do the restaurants always look such depressing places to eat?

Kate S. was also the one who did the painful trying to be size zero doc a year or two back. Good to know she's back on the victuals.

Oooh, saw the bald one of the the presenters at an office furniture party last night. He has a satisfyingly big round belly

I'm the cooking woman's crumpet, says Masterchef's Gregg Wallace

I refuse to click on that link on principle.

what the hell is an office furniture party?

missed most of this, but did john really say, as the graun blog reports: "It's long, it's elegant in your mouth - just keeps on coming and coming and coming"? o_O

it was along those lines yep. so, not only is Wallace on fighting talk on Saturday, he's got previous for football violence, who'd a thunk it.

He's also a Morrissey fan.

That Mail headline works much better in the URL format, with the definite article removed. WOMAN'S CRUMPET. COOKING. DOESN'T GET TOUGHER THAN THIS.

Kate Spicer did this thing when andy apologised for the slight delay, and she witheringly answered, "'SLIGHT delay'". and i felt, dude, this isn't x-factor, don't be nasty to the guy who just made you dinner.

I would like to retract my apology for confusing christopher's his very placid kind of grace, with deep reservoirs of competence, for ineptitude

he is inept

I said spicer is hott before I saw tht episode, tbf to me

she used to be hott in a roundabout way but she's lost some weight and now just looks ill*

*sorry if she's ill

I want the fat man to win

Yes, fat man to win for sure

terrible music choices in this show. we need something stirring and inspirational - chasign cars by snow patrol! contestant is very sad to be going home? [ok i forget this one but it was about walking away or saying goodbye by the killers or razorlight or y'know].

also voyeur camera after they'd cooked for the chefs, filming them gamely trying not to look pissed off at the voyeur camera, was just embarrassing.

They had "I Feel Space" on it yesterday

I would like to retract my apology for confusing christopher's his very placid kind of grace, with deep reservoirs of competence, for ineptitude

he is inept

― cozwn, Wednesday, 25 February 2009 20:15 (Yesterday) Bookmark

i think chris is pretty much out of the running but he's far from inept. he wins nicest guy though so that's ok.

re. the catering for the burleigh horse trials last night. they do this every year where they rack up the pressure: will they or won't they get it done in time? then they "bring in reinforcements" in the shape of other chef's. it doesn't even make any sense since a dinner of that calibre for 200 guests wouldn't be catered for with 3 cooks anyway. there would be at least 3 chefs and 5 or more sous chefs for a meal of that kind.

a chef doesn't prepare 200 chickens on his own before cooking the meal ffs.

yeah, he's not inept I was just being mean : (

the show is terrible stupid tho, the only thing that ever seems to matter to the judging is the cooking which precedes it, they can do all this build up nonsense but if chris pulls out some amazing dishes (or ie tht's how the producers have crafted the story arc) in the final final he can still win

jeezo that's the tenth time i've seen andy's runny stew.

i need all this fancy european restaurants.

Going to Copenhagen in April, that restaurant looks great...

Ha, we've just been googling the prices and menus as well.

Me too, and they just used FSOL as incedental music. xpost

Young guy: "it's literally do or die today" wow I didn't realise it was that serious!

noma nom nom nom

surely something wrong with the prices on noma's menu though, it seems way too cheap.

Yay Mat!

yeah he did good.

great!

His food in the last challenge was pretty obviously great.

That looked amazing but have to say I loathe rabbit: after the first insanely delicious bite, weird aftertaste. However would NOM all of the Mat menu no problem.

i can't eat, can barely look at, crustacea. however would NOM all of the mat menu no problem.

is noma really cheap?? we looked at going there when we were in copenhagen + i thought it looked pretty expensive (and of course fully booked up)

I would nom all the Mat menu but the crab, because things that inhabit water before I eat them do nothing for me at all.

Noma is not hideously expensive, I wouldn't go so far as to say cheap. Cheaper than you might expect, though.

http://www.noma.dk/main.php?lang=en

yeah it's not cheap, my currency tool has got it wrong. i just converted the prices with another one.

but still, £110 for the 7 course set evening menu is decent.

the proprietors and staff in Arzak seemed very lovely also.

Having never watched this before I thought Mat would win 15 mins in, he probably was a heavy fave although I can't read the thread now - amazing to think Mat had a problem w/presentation!

go on the fat man!!!!!
http://durhamregion.typepad.com/pressing_buttons/images/2008/05/30/harry_knowles_sfiv.jpg

wonder if fat man would be more able to counter Bison's aerial mix-up game

?

No, Mat looks more like Anton LeVey's borderline-obese child.

Definitely looks a bit like LeVey, and spider crab is something a practitioner of the dark arts would certainly serve to his guests. Fucking spider crab, genius!

how to smoke scallops

go glynn; that other guy's a right fanny

Anyone watching the celeb version? Brian Moore has just made the wateriest soup ever, and a pile of tomatoes on toast.

Putting prawns with chorizo is not revolutionary and inventing new flavour combinations, OK? Also, stop criticising her off EastEnders for using too many flavours when you were praising her off Corrie for using lots of flavours which didn't work together but still showed willingness to use flavour.

Ah, OK, flavours ftw, obv.

corrie>>>>eastenders obv.

That was my conclusion as well.

I am still persevering with this, even though it is mostly to get cross at John and Greg for talking pish (like praising Colin Murray for making a bacon sandwich). Cilla off Corrie ftw.

Reckon bird off Steps could be one to watch.

Er, did you not see last night's ep then?

i've had to turn this off in frustration a couple of times this week. i know that these programmes have a very rigid format but the extent to which every episode is EXACTLY THE SAME is driving me crazy at this point. not just the same basic set up but the same intros, the same comments, the same utterly predictable outcome. i think i've hit a wall with this.

cilla is adorable though.

i wonder if the winner from the last series-proper is cooking for a living, now?

Opening a restaurant according to his blog:
http://www.thewildgarlicblog.co.uk/

So, loads of predictable guff from John and Greg, Cilla goes into meltdown, Iwan pishes all over everyone else from a very great height (and provides comedy highlight of the series by burning his nipple with a spoon), Jayne cries a lot, stares blankly at recipes and goes "nooo I can't do this oh noes!", then knocks out a winning three course meal at the end which the final appears to be totally judged on despite excessively tedious week-long set of tasks at which Iwan is streets ahead of everyone else. Meh.

Adjectives you only ever hear on Masterchef, part 1: 'unctuous'.

Steve for the winner.

Definitely. I came way late into this series, not until the quarterfinals, but it's (with all its flaws) still a thrill to watch. Roux jr. is terrific, clearly (d'oh) "in the know", but also extremely sympa-/empathetic (giving tips, warnings and stuff, when in pro kitchens).

And lol, yes also in this series, unctuous is heard at least once per episode :-)

is steve dom joly?

roux jr is hot

My housemates watch this and if I'm in the room I spend the time counting how many times Greg the fat presenter is shown taking mouthfuls and pausing during the judging. I think the record was 32 times in an hour.

I think Steve should win, but think Marianne might snatch it from him.

I'm amused by the way in which Greg essentially just agrees with Roux every time, but in slightly different words.

My housemates watch this and if I'm in the room I spend the time counting how many times Greg the fat presenter is shown taking mouthfuls and pausing during the judging.

Dude, this is a weird thing to do.

And it will be Steve, cuz of his smoke infused egg thing in the quarter final, although I feel like it would mean more to Marianne.

I think Steve might have spoilt it for himself with his sweetie bag dessert.

smoke infused egg stolen from great british menu

It's not weird, the fat dude does a lot of pausing and putting mouthfuls of food in his gob during the judging, but Michel Roux Jr is almost never shown doing the same. It's as if the people doing the editing want to make him look stupid or need to insert pauses for some dramatic reason.

Michel does a strange little eye-popping tick after he eats something.

nervous guy terry is hilarious. they should keep him on for the comedic relief he'll bring by knocking over everything in sight and losing all his fingers day by day.

omg <3 terry

terry's out. so sad. but he's continuing to chase his dream ;-)

gregg and john's classics from last week:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRcgGl0RuP8

god terry was annoying... at the end, when he stormed out of the studio and got all angsty in the street, i wanted to shout "you know what life isn't like a verve video, pull yrself together". he keeps talking abt how he has to win masterchef, to follow his dream of working in a kitchen - HE'S FUCKING 22 WHY NOT JUST GET A JOB IN A KITCHEN

in fact that goes for nearly every contestant this year. i hate all that 'tell us what it means to you' shite anyways, but they are the sorriest bunch of "we couldn't achieve anything without the gameshow to do it for us" shite thus far

[nargis strangely hott tho]

yeah it's funny when they're all THIS IS MY ONE DREAM IN LIFE even though I work in marketing AND I'LL BE GUTTED BEYOND BELIEF IF IT DON'T GET IT HANDED TO ME ON A PLATE BY WINNING MASTERCHEF

and then they get knocked out and have to go back to the marketing job they cussed the shit out of on TV

Nargis has a nice mouth

I don't watch this show

Nargis is annoying

I esp don't understand the young ones who come on the show, the ones who have just finished a uni degree or are working on one, and they say stuff about how food is their dream blah blah... so why tf are they in university and not wherever you go to learn culinary stuff!? durrr

disaster losing terry.

Nargis was never going to do anything interesting and her chance to do so consisted of putting caramelized hazelnuts on a red mullet, wtf. plus she took the place that was rightfully Terry's AND we were robbed of the chance of seeing Terry lug food across the tower of london which would have been TV GOLD.

also lol at Tim being continually referred to as "children's doctor, Tim" - aren't you allowed to say Paediatrician on TV any more?

^ we wondered about that as well

Dhruv's going to win this thing

but he is the fat dave cameron

♪♪♪dhruv is in the heart♪♪♪♪

my gf + i were also wondering abt the children's doctor thing

God that maharajah was a cock.

"We have a second team of chefs on standy in case I am so disgusted by the efforts of these amateurs"

"I will remember all my life being allowed to cook for the creme de la creme of Indian assholes"

I don't watch this show

― MPx4A, Wednesday, March 31, 2010 11:30 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

otm

jackie dixon looking great.

neil stuke constantly saying 'im doing this for my dead dad' was getting on my nerves, as was christina hamilton's 'humble' act

haha, Neil Stuke *was* a bit X-Factor. We sort of quite liked Christine really, and I was actually a bit miffed to see Jacqui Dixon-Farnham going out, even though she was an idenikit Liz McClarnon. Thought she was safe when Gregg started winking at her (see also Jenny Powell, who I never realised before this week was such a proto-Claudia)

the programme itself is beyond annoying now tho

Tru dat. Still watch it though. It especially annoys me when they can chuck you out for e.g. not knowing how to cook liver and make sage butter without a recipe - I'm a pretty good cook, but I wouldn't have a clue because it's not something I've ever cooked before - doesn't make me a bad cook, just an inexperienced one in one particular area. Also that someone gets to sit out half the competition (the tricky bits!) on basically the judges' whim.

yeah i watch but it's repetitiveness is really wearing me down. i think i'll have to stop.

Oh, I meant I still watch. That read a bit disparagingly, didn't it? It's getting like The Apprentice now, we watch for comedy Gregg faces and to see how wrongheaded they are being rather than for any genuine insight into, well, anything other than presenter ego tripping and pointing and laughing at the stupid people.

yup, can't watch this or big brother now for some reason

Also the massive inconsistencies: "food doesn't have to be fancy, does it?" to one contestant, ten minutes later to other contestant "well, that's not really very fancy, is it?"

http://s1.b3ta.com/host/creative/71827/1267096324/Masterchef.jpg

so there's a version of this in the states now.

Is it in the show's charter or something that there must be a scouse woman in every episode?

My early favourite is Dick from last night. No idea who he is though.

so there's a version of this in the states now.

― Aerosol, Wednesday, July 28, 2010 9:04 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Yes there is. It just premiered two days ago, it's pretty ludicrous but I can tell I will continue watching.

I am a night behind here (just halfway through yesterday's show), but Dick's moustache is awesome, also lol at "oh bottoms!". I am sad for Marcus and his lovely eyelashes though. Also liked Jennie Bond saying it was all terrible and she hated it, was much better than the teary-eyed journey-going-on bollocks spouted by other gallant losers.

Don't want to spoil it for Ailsa, suffice to say I was disappointed at who went out in the final three. Interesting cooking and a sweetheart.

Aw, thanks (wasn't reading for fear of spoilers though). Agreed Mark was pretty good and seems a top bloke (my husband, who has spent some time in his company concurs that he is a thoroughly decent chap), but Lisa seems lovely and quite good (despite horrendous poached egg/hollandaise disaster) and Chris obviously thinks he can win the whole thing (he could, if he reins his overambition in a bit). Danielle's hollandaise looked the biz, thought that might have kept her in over Lisa actually.

o_0 at the result tonight, fuck's sake, guy was giving it a right good go and producing the kind of food Gregg and John usually go all jizzy over. They didn't even like Dick's game thing (which I would have ordered if I'd seen it on the menu at a restaurant).

Would totally go round Christine's house for dinner though (as long as I didn't have to make polite conversation with her husband).

..and as long as she didn't start crying if I said I enjoyed her cooking.

Dick Strawbridge is the dude from the newer Scrapheap Challenge

I think it's finally happened. I'm finally bored of Masterchef.

:-(

Actually, I only watched tonight's this week, figuring that it wasn't going to matter one flying fuck what they did the rest of the week, aye? Even though they keep harking back to Lisa's amazing palate (wow, she has tastebuds and has eaten stuff, well done her) to justify keeping her and her weird almondy fish soup in.

harking back to Lisa's amazing palate (wow, she has tastebuds and has eaten stuff, well done her)

Yeah really, she was the only one who could identify some pretty fucking common ingredients, didn't make me think she was brilliant as much as everyone else was a witless moron.

There was a funny spoof of this on tonight's Shooting Stars. Not up to the standard of Vic and Bob's last Masterchef riff fifteen-odd years ago, but still good.

Have just caught up with last week's show. God, Neil Stuke was annoyingly unaware of everything he was doing wrong. And, basically, annoying.

Suspect Lisa will win, would like to see Christine or Dick win though. But dear GOD does the incessant "I'm just adding some more salt"/ cut to judge saying "it's too salty" thing get predictable and annoying.

Also, why does Kelly Holmes get to be a food critic and judge and someone to impress just because she's DAME Kelly Holmes? The whole "these are top class athletes, they know good food" bollocks is so ridiculous - evidently she doesn't, she doesn't even know what's in a fecking haggis!

Grrr, I hate this show. But yet, I still watch it.

I was pleased that Neil went, he's a bit of a knob end. I like Dick the best. I don't want Christine Hamilton to win because she's Christine Hamilton.

Dick is repulsive, i wouldn't knowingly eat anything made by a big sweaty fat man with a walrus moustache tbh.

He's nice, he reminds me of Obelix.

they really need to call a moratorium on the scallop.

can't believe i'm actually watching this when emmerdale is on.

they really need to call a moratorium on the scallop.

― jed_, Wednesday, August 18, 2010 7:36 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark

At least they seem to have abandoned that foam stuff.

"big sweaty fat man with a walrus moustache"

I wonder which occupation is often stereotyped as above?

It's much more enjoyable when they do their own recipes.

dick's combover always reminds me of this clip of john fahey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYDrkG2EGwg

So, no surprise there then. Journey vs actual love of food. She did good in the end though. <3 Dick though (hello out of context thread).

Still, lovely macaroons earlier in the week (cooked by a chef because she arsed it up) and she couldn't even poach an egg and now she can make pastry, well done her.

dick woz robbed

Quail served on a chocolate sponge cake.

QUAIL SERVED ON A CHOCOLATE SPONGE CAKE.

The professional critics remains the best segment, but where has Kate Spicer gone?

They did not, despite what the multiple trails and lead-ins said, take over the running of Noma for a day.

I like David best, but I think Claire will win.

^^yes. But Claire would be a great winner. And her food has umami! :)
Also lol at Noma's website cracking halfway through tonight's episode.

I CAN'T LIIIIIIIIIIVE

WITH OR WITHOOOOOOUUUT YOOOOUUUUUU

wtf

lost interest weeks ago :(

it probably has been a bit short on drama. but it's just been fun watching the three finalists excel, almost beyond their own belief.

Yeah, they seemed like a really good team. I would eat in a restaurant run by any one of them.

Unlike say X-Factor, contestants are always primarily driven for a passion for what they do, and they are made to work really sodding hard. Which makes it a lot more enjoyable to watch for me. I also like looking at pretty food.

"when dining at this level..."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=towd9vZWDJg

Millennial edition:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hK8EbafSlg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfeyUGZt8nk

Hahahaha

Beautiful.

That's grand

part of me hopes they put that together for the purpose of clowning dance journalism but I imagine it was probably just that some stoned bros figured out that 'bass' and 'base' sound the same while watching Masterchef and went from there

aaah it's swedemason, he's got prior form with the incredible 'get in the back of the van'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GGc7KcvqtE

i didn't even realise this had happened to masterchef; what the hell, masterchef? what the hell??

Grey gloop dude was lol

only watched the first ep of professionals last night, but OMG i am so tired of their 'journeys' their 'narratives' and how much they want to win etc etc etc. bored shitless of it. indeed the only joy in this show now is watching michelle grimace when she has to eat some garbage with onions and vanilla in it. bake-off is so so so much better a show.

it's so low budget, they can't even get greengrocer and serial killer roux in the same room at the same time, it seems, so they've had to stage a "conversation" whereby they record each part of the "dialogue" separately. and this is hilarious cos then for each "yes" or *earnest nod* they're relying on the two to show some acting skills, and if there's ever a guarantee of bad acting it's when you're not reacting to anyone and simulating that.

stevie otm. Bakeoff is the business.

never got into bakeoff, i actually just watched masterchef by chance last night in a "talk to my flatmates for 5 minutes" exercise.

Were your flatmates in the room at the time, or did they do their replies/reactions separately, later?

v fair question imo

i had just cooked my dinner and, actually just one of them, was watching it. i sat on sofa for 10 minutes and briefly discussed it. then exited.

xp yes, their narratives are tiring but it gives my housemate and I a chance to bitch about whatever they've just served up. Michelle pulling a face like you've just shit on the plate and called it a roulade is certainly the highpoint.

bake-off is a certainly a lot better. 1) more chilled 2) nicer people 3) very little hubris 4) awesome illustrations

5) Cake

omg lg, that is *amazing about greg the egg and chefmichelle not being in the same room... and that makes so much sense too...

also you should totally watch bake-off because it rules so hard

6) Jumpers

now i'm regretting not making a bake off thread when it was happening.

JAMES FTW!
the things i liked most about james:

1) sourdough
2) he wasn't bothered whether he won or not
3) scotland

I'm pretty sure you see greg and jr tucking into the same plate of food . . . I'll check tonight.

they def are in some shots together - but maybe not when they have their little 'round-up' chat, before booting someone out?

Totally supporting Ping.

One of my singing colleagues is going to be on the season premiere of the new season of Masterchef; he will not say if he actually gets past the premiere or not.

Slowly working through the latest series of UK Masterchef. Loving it as usual, and enjoying the new, gentler vibe. But oh my god, losing like one contestant an episode? When is this series going to end??

Barry Shitpeas just outclassed in the final there.

So... My colleague did get onto the show and won a mystery box challenge.

GO JASON GO

The Great British Menu this year is preparing for "a star-studded banquet celebrating the British music industry to be held at Abbey Road" or words to that effect. There are so many hilarious / toe-curlingly embarrassing moments in this, it's amazing. Dishes inspired by Coldplay! People saying things like "singles - they're the small vinyls, yeah?"!

great british menu is unfailingly shit, but hats off to them that they've found a new way to be terrible after this many series

Yes, having Ali Campbell explain what Grime was to Matthew Fort just one of many, many high/lowlights.

P much every other dish seems to have been 'inspired' by The Beatles or Oasis.

Ali Campbell explain what Grime was to Matthew Fort

oh god i'm gonna have to watch this now aren't i

xp BG you're right, but it remains my favourite cooking show.

I'm always struck by how tough they say it is to produce two plates of food in a day's work (or sixteen in a judging day). They're chefs!

Post-Astro UB40 line up looks like a winner

https://gbc-cdn-public-media.azureedge.net/img82135.690x416.jpg

The judging session with Mani was another big treat. Waterman sadly predictable in his tastes.

wittingly or unwittingly, the producers of gbm have produced an invaluable survey of the tyrants, egomaniacs and petty squabblers who run british kitchens in the 21st century, and for that they must be commended

That one neck tatooed fellow who produced a dish called CONTEMPT FOR ORTHODOXY which was like a fish spine sticking out of 3D printed head did make me laugh.

Haha yes - demonstrating his contempt for orthodoxy by spraying oysters silver and shaping them to look like studs on an oh-so-unorthodox leather jacket. The restaurant he works at in Leeds sounds... not to my taste.

Ben from the other week's restaurant is just round the corner from me and is actually very nice so I couldn't help rooting for him, even though he was a slight moron.

Yeah as documented on the London restaurants thread we ate at his restaurant this weekend and it was really good.

Ali Campbell explain what Grime was to Matthew Fort

oh god i'm gonna have to watch this now aren't i

― a photographer, satanist and ukip voter (bizarro gazzara), Monday, April 8, 2019 12:37 PM (three hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Be glad you missed Mani 'dish is aight' slurping up some soup.

Ps. I watch this religiously. The 'concept' plates are frequently bonkers.

Wtf has this guy got against fish curry?

Great to see the kooks up for a place in the pantheon of 50 years of british music.

What was the deal w/ that guy who - twice - didn't actually deliver the brief in any way? Is he thick?

"I'm doing a dish called Northern Sole."
"What fish is in it?"
"Cod."

That guy?

oh god i'm gonna have to watch this now aren't i

xp haha yeah, that guy. Thought it was expert trolling at first but c'mon man. Despite him explicitly saying it was called 'Northern Sole' the editors of the show just put 'Northern Soul' underneath it, because it was just too wtf.

I like that this week's judge let's off a little more about how things are going during the cooking. The others all tried their very best to not let anything on. When they'd taste a sauce they'd be like *must... keep... blank... expression*

xp BG you need to see this pronto imo

We have developed the habit of watching the week's worth of these on a Friday or Saturday night. I can barely wait! (Mind if you lot start spoilering who goes through I will have to catch up in the thread later, not that that should stop you obv.).

We're a small but dedicated crew, I think we can manage no spoilers.

Despite him explicitly saying it was called 'Northern Sole' the editors of the show just put 'Northern Soul' underneath it, because it was just too wtf.

It was more wtf than that, he actually said "The dish is called Northern Soul, with a 'u', because it's cod". In other words "I'm not going for the obvious pun, instead I'm going for a dish which has no connection to the name or the brief whatsoever".

Mind = blown (I missed that "with a 'u'" remark!). That's some 5D concept cooking!

Yeah he said "with a u" to both Aitkens and his fellow competition, separately, so he clearly rationalised it in his head that way.

Maybe it was a meta-commentary on the futilty of trying to encapsulate a musical tradition through the medium of cookery - it wouldn't actually have had anything more to do with Northern Soul music if the name of the fish i had sounded the same as 'soul'.

That's possibly giving him a little too much credit seeing as he was a shouty self-satisfied chump.

B-but plates shaped like guitars! Skate tendon mohicans!

he was a shouty self-satisfied chump.

Otm. He's a nuisance. All the better his chow will be further served off tonight.

xp Oh god the mohicans <3

So you're a top chef who worked at Noma, participating for the second time. What do you do? Choose a main ingredient (pig fat) you've never worked with before, massively over-salt your dish (how did he not taste this?) and as a consequence are scared shitless of overseasoning again so you completely underseason your next dish. Car crash.

Aye, last night was a car crash all round.

In "how do you do, fellow kids" news, "small vinyls" go at "33 rounds per minute", you listen to a record player while fishing in a boat and devoted John Peel listeners owned all the Spice Girls singles on cassette.

OMG.

So it turns out these little morsels of ludicrousness are making me more psyched to watch the show, rather than acting as spoilers.

That's weird, we started watching an old series of M:TP last night. The one with savant psychopath James, who's either going to win at an absolute canter (no spoilers pls!) or get kicked out for hunting a fellow contestant

What's weird?

Masterchef (and, I think Mastercheftheprofessionals) has taken to using past winners and finalists as if they were food critics* in the early rounds - it turns out that I have a vague memory of about 5% of them and the rest I would swear I'd never seen before, even though I've watched every series of the thing going back to the dear dead days of Loyd himself. SO the chances of me spoiling anything are zero. Having said all that, GBM >>> any form of Masterchef.

*presumably the risk of being saddled with another Sitwell is just too great.

and devoted John Peel listeners owned all the Spice Girls singles on cassette.

This had us cracking up too :D

My favourite LOL was Richard Corrigan saying, "You're really pushing the boundaries by mentioning John Peel there"

The bottom of the puns barrel was officially scraped with "Fleetwood Mackerel".

Haha, I missed that. Stupid social life.

Someone who grew up in Buckie reckons they listened to loads of bhangra when they were at school. No wonder in such a hotbed of Asian culture.

The female chef justified her Club Tropicana inspired dessert because her sister was Wham daft when they were growing up. She's 32.

My dish is called 'Sunny Afternoon'... yeah, yeah, The Stereophonics

That caused groans in our house too. Also the Bowie quote she used is the same as the o e someone used last week. WTF? Is there a briefing document?

OMG they are playing the Stereophonics version of Sunny Afternoon! It is gross.

Calling a dish “Top of the Cods” does not make it relevant to the music industry.

nor do endless stories about how you grew up.

they cut away really fast but i think you can *just* see the judge die inside when the guy says stereophonics.

Top of the Crops
Top of the Cods

...

The Stereophonics version almost had me clicking away ffs. Only dish that looked the part to me was the Bowie one, but apparently it tasted like shite, and the guy using cleaner tasting lemon in his dish got a higher grade.

What a fucking mysoginist judge that was, last weeks. His disgust for her dripped off the screen. He'd've bitten the woman's head off if he wasn't being filmed. Sure, maybe her dishes weren't all that but neither were anyone else's. He scored her significantly lower than others who got the same, or worse, critique. Rigged.

"What's the connection to music?" the judge (and other competitors) say repeatedly over a dish which is called hip hop in a weak (but completely reasonable and understandable) pun over it being rabbit.

The ones which pass without comment are "Brixton academy through the years" which is a cube of hoggett and veal sweetbreads (because that's a posh kebab, obviously) and "oh you pretty things" which is a 'celebration of songs that mention breakfast'. Because it's a bowl of mushrooms served with mushroom ketchup and an empty mug with some song names written on it.

This has turned into the worst theme in years.

Otm to all of that. Would’ve gone with Procal Herring myself tbf

Absolute cunt's parade all week, chefs and judges alike.

I had two new puns they should have gone with.

The final dish should have been called Choccy's Got A Temper. And the frozen one earlier should have had a peaty whisky added to it and been called La Islay Granita.

lol at kemp throwing a hissy fit at the pigeon claw on his plate.

La Islay Granita

*doffs hat*

It's not been great. Peter Hook almost eating every desert was a highlight, which is saying something. I did like seeing Andrew Ridgely tbh, hadn't seen him since his last TOTP performance probably. This show force feeds you so much filler and repeatings of the same old dreariness ("the uk music scene continues to take the world by storm" etc) I'm glad it's over tomorrow actually.

what's the deal with professional chefs and sleeve tattoos?

They're often a bunch of weirdos on the Professionals.

I don't know if you've been out in public in the uk recently but sleeve tattoos are virtually compulsory in most places.

imo they kicked out philippe because they were afraid he's better than them. absolutely ridiculous. don't wanna watch the rest of the season

don't have twitter but i hope everyone is giving them hell

Brin 4 the win

Yeah. We liked Cliodhna but I'm notorious for putting the kiss of death on anyone by calling them for the win just before they comically arse it up.

Still broken-hearted Ajay went out, he seemed so good.