important things about life you've learned from playing video games

Just because you're in a life threatening situation is no excuse not to dress really hot

pwn all the n00bs you can while the pwning's good

you did quite well, but you need more training to defeat me!

it's safe and even beneficial to eat any food you come across on the street, even if it's, say, a roast turkey that was bizarrely stored inside a rusty oil drum

"Shh, I'm playing," I tell her. "Yoshi's eaten four gold coins and he’s trying to find the fifth. I need to concentrate."

"Oh my god, who gives a shit," Alison sighs. "We're dealing with a fat midget who rides a dinosaur and saves his girlfriend from a pissed-off gorilla? Victor, get serious."

"It's not his girlfriend. It's Princess Toadstool. And it's not a gorilla," I stress. "It's Lemmy Koopa of the evil Koopa clan. And baby, as usual, you're missing the point."

"Please enlighten me."

"The whole point of Super Mario Bros. is that it mirrors life."

"I'm following." She checks her nails. "God knows why."

"Kill or be killed."

"Uh-huh."

"Time is running out."

"Gotcha."

"And in the end, baby, you …are …alone."

a few years ago i was punching and shooting out every window i came across, just because it was cool that i could. but then it got old and i don't do it much anymore.

http://io9.com/353746/i-was-programmed-by-tetris-to-be-a-better-person

I learned that no one seems to care about how close I am to the Marble Madness world record. Not even hot babes.

Why?!

If someone says "Get over here!" to you, sometimes you may not even have a choice.

people are going to be total dicks to you until you beat them in a skate off

If i shoot someone the body will disappear in about 10 seconds. The blood stain? maybe 15.

defeat your enemies and get a nice turkey meal on a plate as a reward.

Throwing the ball to a wide-receiver is a good way to get the ball down the field.

i can take a minimum of 5 shots before going down.

the army will not follow me into a parking garage.

When you die you just respawn somewhere else but without your fancy weapons.

The best stuff comes in crates.

Do not bump into people or you will die.

Tapping it repeatedly works better than just holding it down.

if you defeat your enemies, you can take their powers for yourself.

if im not feeling well, i can just type in "idcornholio" and cruise through the rest of the day

enemies can be swallowed and immediately pooped out as an egg, which you can save to throw at things.

^^ that always made me wonder a little about the reproductive system of Yoshi's kind

umm cuz umm that's what puppies think about
we're bored a lot

banana peels will make your car spin out

never waste a bullet on the entrance to an air duct when a crowbar will do

you might miss some good freebies if you don't go rummage around every house in town and talk to everyone you see. Even the crazy ones.

once I was walking to the subway on the way home and saw this dude who was waving some kind of bright green stuffed animal back and forth over his head, otherwise a normal looking middle-aged dad type, and I thought "if this were a game, I would know that I need to speak to that man, and he would have some important clues or a quest for me. but I need to go home."

i'd say you definitely missed an important side-quest there

yeah I mean who knows what I could do with that stuffed animal of his. he was sure to let me have it if I had only taken the time to escort him to his destination.

He's probably still there, if you're ever bored or you get stuck working on your current project.

some monkeys are assholes, but others are not.

there are actual step by step guides available on the internet explaining everything I will come across in the future.

"To find the Easter egg that Beeps has left you..."

if you come upon a town that is not doing so well, it is a safe bet that you should go have a chat with whoever is in charge about it. don't just blow through to your next destination.

it's okay to eat food that you find on the ground, it still gives you energy.

The laws of physics, particularly those pertaining to gravity, are considerbly relaxed when you are travelling on a skateboard.

Turning yourself into a double-blaster will exterminate more enemies at once, but it also makes you an even bigger target.

When in doubt, run away in a zig-zag formation.

no matter what atrocities i commit - shooting a flamethrower in a crowd of people shopping; stealing a bunch of cars, lining them up and blowing one up to create a car bomb domino effect; stealing a tank from the army; sniping people from a downtown rooftop etc - as long as I get home before the cops/fbi/army catch me, everyone will promptly forget about it.

when in a tight spot, spin around hitting anything within arm's reach

That song's gonna be in your head for days.

getting your car resprayed another color will make you and your car unrecognizable to police. This applies even when they follow you to the auto body shop and wait outside for you.

the best way to kick somebody's ass is to jump on their head while they're walking toward you

nobody can see you in the shadows

our solar system's planets, stars and constellations are not as big as earth's moon

It seems like you're always waiting for a long one to fill that gap.

the russians are pricks

war makes people sad

but discovering gems will make them happy

Hitler had a real thing about having his picture hung in every room.

but not happy enough to go start a war with the fucking russians.

xpost

if you pet your cows until a heart pops out of their head, they will give you better milk

always look behind the waterfall

Eating burgers cures gunshot wounds.

i'm usually pretty safe walking around in my neighborhood, cos ppl who want to do me harm show up as a red dot my map.

on

a lot of people that save the world lack the ability to speak

repetition with absolutely minimal variation is at the heart of every successful combat strategy

if you have a big glowing red spot on your person, cover it up before you get in any fights

if you have to take someone somewhere, the way to do it is to leave them where they are. go along your route, kill everything you see, then go back for them. works every time.

tony hawk is very encouraging

camping might be controversial, but it is effective.

there's almost never any point to drinking in a bar.

If you're attacked and trapped in a room, running around your enemies a few times will make them really dizzy and fall down. Jump on their heads! Repeat this three times. You will get a chest of gold.

life is like Shadow Of The Beast II. really fucking hard and no 1ups.

that beeping means you're close to death.

worry not when outnumbered by aggressive adversaries...they will politely take turns engaging to even out the odds.

first person to post a straight quote from one of hyrule's subterranean retirees gets fired btw

If you see a line of coins that leads down a pit to a seemingly guaranteed death, jump down anyway. There's probably treasure there.

if things aren't working out so well on the ground floor, simply jumping vertically three times your height to the level above can often improve matters

life is like Shadow Of The Beast II. really fucking hard and no 1ups.

treasure island dizzy more like. you'll never get the 30th coin!

starting again on hard mode is fun for about 3 seconds.

chopping at a tree for a long time, kneeling next to a dead animal, and hitting a pile of gold with a pickaxe will all manifest itself to buildings and armies and shit

you cannot grip and stab at the same time.

There's no point talking to anybody twice because they just repeat themselves.

you can die even if you touch the SIDE of a spike

a lot of people that save the world lack the ability to speak

...

about to crash your car? fret not, it will simply bounce off roadside obstacles, merely slowing you down

if you're walking around at night or in a dark building and your torch is going out, make sure to warp out of there!

- risky exploration reaps rewards
- people only really same the same three things over and over again (xpost but I'm leaving it anyway)
- sonic team is shit
- if you get bored with the universe you can just start another one

Driving at night is easier if you just switch off your headlights

- there are rich, dynamic and complete spoken languages that go WUH WUH WUH WUH WUH WUH WUH

in the past it was very rare for other people to see your left side
nowadays people prefer to just stare at your back

Always save your current position before walking into a new building.

lol the japanese

Roman Generals conquered half the known world through judicious use of the pause button.

- you can walk into someone's house and break/steal stuff, and they'll still help you find your nemesis, no worries

if the king of all cosmos accidentally erases all the stars in the universe, he'll replace them with balls of random shit

you think your current boss is bad? wait'll you see the next one

playing guitar is way easier than playing drums.

Don't eat cheesecake before sex, you'll end up pregnant with twins.

Picket fences are impassable barriers and are resistant to bullets, crowbars, bulldozers, being jumped over, etc..

Banging hookers increases your health.

- you can run/jump on a tropical island wearing overalls and a hat and not sweat

Selling fruit and shells is a useful way for first time buyers to pay off their first mortgage.

if youre arbitrarily chosen to save the universe at a moment's notice, you'll immediately know how to wield a sword

Your parents probably aren't really dead.

if you have picked up some useless-looking object, DON'T SELL IT

Although if it's that important you can probably find it again by looking in a big bird bath.

- it's perfectly acceptable, not to mention worth a lot of points, to smash up the car of a complete stranger.

- all punk hookers are transexuals

- if you're about to fight a corrupt cop, eat the chewing gum he spits out to get some extra energy.

- your girlfriend/sister will die in 20 hours
- you are male

clinging to and jumping from missiles traveling hundreds of miles an hour while fighting enemies is entirely possible, but if youre hit by a slow moving pellet... instant death

Japan has the followng characteristics:

- bouncing dolls explode when you throw money at them
- the sky dragon is faster than the bullet train
- Mt Fuji has ladders

ghosts have coins inside them

That dude who keeps muttering to himself during your strategy meetings is probably gonna rat you out at some point.

But even tho he's totally suspicious you will find yourself unable to raise this issue with your friends until after he's fucked you over.

A big sword is easily a match for a 5 foot laser bazooka.

if you're locked in a building, move boxes around the floor until the door opens

THE BOSS IS ALWAYS IN THE VERY LAST ROOM YOU CHECK

honestly, if the boss is so ANGRY surely he/she could just be waiting out the front

if you have accumulated a bunch of stuff, at some point you will lose all of it. dont worry, you'll get it back

the town where you grew up has the lamest fucking stores, seriously. Once you start traveling, you'll quickly realize you've spent your childhood apparently living under some kind of extremely strict yet unspoken embargo. Not only that, but the merchandise selection just keeps improving the longer you spend abroad!

OMG YOU"RE REALLY A WOMAN!!!!

(xxp) But you'll lose it just when you don't actually need any of it, so it's okay.

air travel is not only faster than sea travel, but you get attacked way less often.

the town where you grew up has the lamest fucking stores, seriously. Once you start traveling, you'll quickly realize you've spent your childhood apparently living under some kind of extremely strict yet unspoken embargo. Not only that, but the merchandise selection just keeps improving the longer you spend abroad!

-- El Tomboto, Tuesday, 26 February 2008 09:59 (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

But prices increase as you get more money.

Also, the people you have to fight/kill know when you've got a new weapon because they expose their vulnerabilities appropriately.

every universe has a flip side that is different colors.

knowing how to drift well is just about the most important driving skill there is.

Banana skins make cars spin out of control but nobody dies. Roads should be made of banana skins.

sometimes if you walk too close to walls you get stuck in them.

(more lolz for me here than anything for ages. Such a geek.)

The guy everybody thinks is God is actually the Devil.

- Other drivers don't get out of the way when you honk your horn.

- Piles of cardboard nearly always conceal shortcuts.

- Police will place stingers on the road and then radio HQ for permission to do so.

life is nothing but eating and running

Walls of a slightly different colour conceal rooms full of bullets and band-aids.

Jumping into a triple-somersault is perfectly safe because you will never land on your head, break your neck and die. However, walking into a bowling ball with legs might kill you.

if you hang around in one place too long, a giant smiley face will eat you

even the most horribly injured person can still fight with all their strength as long as they're still awake and breathing.

Most governments are cool about you shooting endangered species and robbing art treasures.

Coins grow on trees, and the trees grow back in 12 seconds.

^ useful tip for those of us who cannot afford to buy into the property market

You can fire yourself out of a cannon, straight into a solid object, and get up unharmed.

Punching somebody in the crotch doesn't hurt them any worse than punching them in the shin.

16 year-old schoolgirls can often outfight 20-stone professional wrestlers, grizzly bears and army surplus killbots.

magic is real

If you coat yourself in something sticky you can roll up the entire planet

Italians always dream about pasta.

magic is real

But you get killed a lot before you learn any decent spells.

London has very little traffic, but roadworks prevent you getting to Battersea

or Notting Hill

girls are usually really good at magic, too, to make up for the fact that they usually suck eggs at more straightforward ways of getting ahead in the world, like smacking motherfuckers in the face with an axe.

even the most horribly injured person can still fight with all their strength as long as they're still awake and breathing.

^^ hey sometimes within an inch of death, suddenly they get all red, get faster, and throw shit at you you've never seen. be careful!!

any time you're on a 'team' you will end up doing everything yourself anyway. you'll have to keep said 'team' members alive as well. and herd them around corners, etc.

Olympic gold medal sprinters have highly developed forearms and thumb calluses.

Launching a rocket into the ground and jumping at the same time can take you to great heights.

Keys to locked doors are kept in nearby crates

city planning is not actually that hard. if you get overwhelmed, just call in the monsters and start over from scratch.

World War I actually started when Ghandi refused to give Cleopatra the secret of metallurgy.

The easiest way to win a war is to drive a bunch of engineers into your enemy's camps to take over their buildings and sell them off for scrap metal.

In California, a golf cart has the same top speed as a Ferrari.

The fastest way to gain experience is to kill your friends.

Lemmings are quite industrious fellows, they just need a good project leader.

xp Except you can't, because all your friends are impervious to your attacks.

If you need to run anywhere in a hurry, carrying a knife makes you faster.

xp When you try to slice off their heads, they either get mildly annoyed or ask you to lead the way.

Nobody else on your squad will have a clue what to do next - not even the person who is supposed to be in command. They'll all just stand around like lemons waiting for you to find some convoluted way to open that door.

Every single German soldier in WW2 was of identical height and build.

oh, and you're the chosen one who must save the world; you only don't know this because nobody has told you yet.

Arsenal footballer Eduardo would be walking today if he'd remembered to switch injuries off.

The President of the United States is constantly at risk of being kidnapped by ninjas.

You can never carry too many things. You can carry every fucking thing in the world, especially if it has a crazy-ass name.

Unless you have a sack.

When offered the hospitality of a new acquaintance, the first thing you should do is smash everything they own to see if there's anything good inside it.

Hedgehogs aren't as slow as they look.

If you murder everyone in a town, the police will still arrest you when there are no witnesses.

when in a base kill all the doods

no no no only if it's the other guy's base. don't kill all yr own doods

You will not be hurting anymore because you have swallowed a star!

being a paperboy is the most dangerous job in the world.

when you have proximity mines, put them in the bathroom, near the air duct

if anyone seems to have some competitive advantage over you: wtf h4x

Gym workouts making you fit? Buy heart containers instead

when you have proximity mines, put them in the bathroom, near the air duct

hahaha you bastard

if a red guy comes at you, hit him with something blue from your inventory. and visa versa.

Keep a typewriter ribbon on you at all times.

Always structure conversation in verb-noun form.

make sure you take the pill from your bathrobe pocket, or you're pretty fucked when the world essplodes

Do what?

Kangaroos and plumbers have much in common.

if you bump into a bee or a landcrab, lots of rings will fall out of your ass

^^^ thanks to crohn's this is true for me

lololol sorry lol

if a red guy comes at you, hit him with something blue from your inventory. and visa versa.

nonono, you hit the blue guys with the yellow things

You may possess mastery of either water or fire, but you cannot master both.

when you drive across a bridge, the whole world will pause for about three seconds.

if you miss the elevator, just leave the room briefly, it'll come right back for you.

Some people don't eat or sleep, but they will help you.

girls are usually really good at magic, too, to make up for the fact that they usually suck eggs at more straightforward ways of getting ahead in the world, like smacking motherfuckers in the face with an axe.

-- El Tomboto, Monday, 25 February 2008 23:30 (Yesterday) Link

this is totally about castlevania

and also true about life

i am useless with an axe

if you find a tv set someplace out of the way, smash that fucker open. Inside you'll find the power to come back from the dead. Or some rings.

girls are usually really good at magic, too, to make up for the fact that they usually suck eggs at more straightforward ways of getting ahead in the world, like smacking motherfuckers in the face with an axe.

-- El Tomboto, Monday, 25 February 2008 23:30 (Yesterday) Link

this is totally about castlevania

-- bell_labs, Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:02 AM (13 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

I thought it was about an "incident" that occurred when TOMBOT was buying his N64

looooool

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
"Alright, time's up, let's do this!
"LEEROOOOY JENKINS" he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Wherever you go in the world, the sky is amplified with awesome catchy electronic music

And we're all the better for it.

If I pick up a hooker, after we're done I can kill her and make money off the deal. And no one gives a shit about dead hookers.

the Enertron will make you feel rested, but you'll still be hungry

lock thread

you actually have the power to do that you know

sometimes the current scene in your life will freeze irreparably; don't worry, just hit the RESET button and you can try again, as long as you've saved your progress recently.

It's vitally important that you have pocket lint in your pocket.

;_; everyone who has alluded to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy game

When the music speeds up, it means there are enemies in the room.

or that time's running out.

It's ok to be distracted by shiny things.

When you enter a new building or room, it's best to pause a little so all the furniture, objects, walls, lights can be loaded.

Always release the small trapped animal. It will lead you to a secret room/exit/the princess.

If you're a princess, you might want to think about getting a home security consultant in.

Kings: that trusted adviser that nobody else in your kingdom likes? HE'S A BAD GUY, STOOPID.

In some neighborhoods, when you reach the edge you wrap around to the opposite side of town.

If your life seems a little slow, take off your glasses. Less detail on everything, no fog or rain, everything will be faster.

the Enertron will make you feel rested, but you'll still be hungry

-- the sir weeze, Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:41 AM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Link

http://image.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Science/pix/2007/07/27/cannabis_2.jpg

when life gets tough, cheat

sometimes the best strategy is to stand by a wall and hope that the giant hen just bounces off you

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e2/Konami_Code.svg

(hmm, let's try that again...)

http://www.wiiwii.tv/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/a-konami.png

Nemanja Vidic can't do the Zidane turn.

Always be on the lookout for hidden doors.

don't believe anyone who says something is 100% complete. You haven't done it upside-down yet

Only I can save the universe.

Always be on the lookout for hidden doors.

OTM! Push on every painting and poster you encounter.

When driving around cities at speed look into the distance and you will see rapid construction work ahead of you.

When driving at speed in the country you may find tree leaves are more resistant than you'd think.

You don't need to lean into corners when you're on a motorcycle, but you do it anyway.

If you take a step left, then a step right, a step left again, another step left, a step backward, spin around and then do a backflip twist you will own all of the weapons in the world with unlimited ammunition. Dont worry, these will all conveniently fit into your belt and/or backpack.

I lost my Dojo. But, the Dojo remains IN MY MIND, It even has a casino! Dojo, casino, it's all in the mind!

If you've ever been set a task you're not able to accomplish, half an hour killing rats between barrels and crates in the cellar of your nearest pub will buff you up ready to take on the world, and may also result in some free cheese or a handful of gold coins.

It must be impossible to build a deck, since as soon as you get your blocks all lined up, the deck would disappear.

Clouds are good for standing on and often contain hidden money.
All unusually tall trees have a log platform at the top for this purpose.

Steal the bath taps but don't jump on the toilet.

A snorkel is sufficient equipment for diving to a depth of 30x your height, but don't pick up more than two items while you're down there.

repeatedly jumping on moving cannonballs will help me to live longer

weevils are apparently cyan-coloured worms. whereas a Kiwi bird is a yellow hen-chick

there are plumes of oxygen sitting about underwater so you won't drown

hiding my money in the grass outside the hut is not the best idea, but I shouldn't be scared if someone throws my chickens at me

if a bunch of guys you want to kill happen to be hanging out around one or more barrels, those barrels are probably highly explosive so it's a good idea to shoot them.

Doing a handstand and spinning round with outstretched legs is a near unbeatable combat move.

someone set us up the bomb

i have no chance to survive make my time

G-forces are a myth.

destroy the core.

The more alien spacecraft you destroy, the faster the remaining ones get. Their evasion patterns are really predictable.

If you cut down a lawn maybe you will be getting some money.

It seems like you're always waiting for a long one to fill that gap.

-- snoball, Monday, 25 February 2008 21:56 (Yesterday) Bookmark Link

and

always look behind the waterfall

-- webber, Monday, 25 February 2008 22:02 (Yesterday) Bookmark Link

i think these are very true

armed guards in ancient japan cannot resist rice balls that they notice lying on the ground

Giving someone money for any fruit that they find in order to help them pay for the house you built them is a viable economic model that allows for sustainable growth for both parties.

i will die again and again in hundreds of different ways

Store magazine close by as reference.

to go back in time, kill yourself

glowing mushrooms can be used to power infrared goggles

With practice, you can run just as fast backwards and sideways as you can forwards.

Also, if you leap up into the air, you can jump again in midair and get up even higher. Very useful!

Firearms and ammunition can be found lying around in any town if you look hard enough.

also, enemies can always reappear, no matter how many times you've killed them.

Giant ostrich-chickens are great for crossing oceans and mountain ranges.

If you are in a town, it can be extremely difficult to walk across small boxes, grass, or slightly different coloured patches of ground.

yes, small rocks or the branches of a tree can totally impede one's progress

The following conversation is surprisingly common in police cars:

"He's gone on there! Alone, into that small garage with one door. The one that paints your cars. Let's wait, he can't stay in there forever."
"That's him now, let's get him!"
"No cadet, that's not him"
"But he looks the same, and that's the same kind of convertible, and the same numberplate"
"No cadet, I distinctly remember a red car going in there, and this one is blue. Oh well, he seems to have got out the garage somehow, let's find seomthing else to do"

no one else in the world see nearly as far as i can

I like the fact that everyone on this thread has taken to heart the winning strategy of repeating anything and everything that works at least once

The biggest challenge in running a theme park is having enough staff to clean up all the vomit.

cinnamon burns spider webs

(well, cinnamon jelly beans)

Also, if you leap up into the air, you can jump again in midair and get up even higher. Very useful!

this is the one i want most irl

Wear a blindfold when you enter ancient Greek temples. Bring a mirror.

it's always surprising when the truck have started to move.

To appease the wolf guardian on the island, take the frozen chicken from the freezer, cook it in the kitchen, then place the cooked chicken in the temple.

You can make nunchuks from the chains of public toilets.

Completed one urgent task, been told your nemesis just left town thataway by some old guy whose fishing rod you returned, thinking you should head on? Why not spend the next week going round in circles first, waiting for dead bats to respawn and hoovering up inconsequential items to sell for three cents each so you can buy 5000 first-aid kits to have any hope of lasting three minutes in the next place?

If you want to swim naked with your date and her friend, go lingerie shopping BEFORE you go to the nightclub.

Being attacked by a creature 12 times your size? Throw something at its arse three times.

i've installed a wall of fur on the side of my house, i climb up to the second floor no problem.

if your girlfriend dies it's probably best just to leave it alone and not try to bring her back to life.

If you want to swim naked with your date and her friend, go lingerie shopping BEFORE you go to the nightclub.

-- AlanSmithee, Tuesday, 26 February 2008 20:41 (2 hours ago) Link

HA HA

Coins made of gold are not worth as much as coins made of blue.

To appease the wolf guardian on the island, take the frozen chicken from the freezer, cook it in the kitchen, then place the cooked chicken in the temple.

- snoball, Tuesday, 26 February 2008 19:17 (Yesterdayp

which game is this? seems really familiar : citadel?

The proper way to hold a gun is perpendicular to your stomach. However don't forget to wave it gently back and forth while you walk.

despite creating a vast multitude of devious traps to do you in, evil geniuses are never smart enough to stop your relentless closing in on their lair by simply building a wall that's far too big for you to jump over.

All caves are awesome and have two mazes. Every piece of crap you see has exactly one vital purpose.

no matter how hard you worked to get down to the dungeon, the likelihood is strong that our princess is in another castle

pretty white boys always win, unless they are up against a less pretty white boy with spiky hair

Young white males with silver-grey hair are always evil. Especially if it's longer than collar length.

Make sure you leave no gaps anywhere in your life, otherwise the little guys with the green hair will all fall down :-(

which game is this? seems really familiar : citadel?

Thomas, you're right it is ver Citadel ("citadel Citadel CITAdel CITADEL!")
I was also going to say that bringing a fabulous bejeweled figurine back through a teleport will result in reprogramming.

no oddjob

This thread is one of the funniest things I've ever read, and I don't know how I missed it the first time. "If someone says "Get over here!" to you, sometimes you may not even have a choice." is a personal favourite.

Wow, this thread.

- When you finally take on the evil boss you've been looking for, and he offers you a job as his right hand man, don't take it, as he will send you back in time if you do.

running in the direction of the halfway line in a football pitch makes you much slower than running parallel to the sideline.

every football player in the world is equally adept at the execution of the bicycle kick, whereas all but the highest skilled professional struggle to time a run to avoid being offside by five yards.

our princess is in another castle

OTM

Also the double-jump.

Check every pipe for a warp zone.

If you jump into a well, you'll find an underwater passage that leads to a cache of weapons.

Be sure to hit your head on every brick you walk underneath.

People could only move in two dimensions till sometime in the 1990s.

When you kill someone, they often vanish completely.

Your skills may change dramatically with a simple change of outfit.

if you have a nemesis that you want to kill or arrest, wait for them to organize a large international martial arts contest.

hockey goalies from 1993 almost never block wraparounds.

if you see a hottie chilling on a log in a stream, you better get there quickly cause she's gonna disappear.

always expect to be attacked if you experience radio interference on a foggy evening in a strange town

Armed killers will stop shooting at you if you decide to have a half-hour radio conversation with your boss

Or conversely, when you get a new job or make healthy changes in your live, be sure to buy some new clothes to represent.

xp

It's not hard to run sideways without looking where you're going

when driving, instead of braking heavily for an upcoming turn, just slam into the guardrails. They'll steer you right and your car won't have a scratch on it. Better yet, slam into another driver so you can get ahead.

When you die, you'll have only 10 seconds to decide whether you want to come back to life or not.

Everyone is stupider than you are.

Save your quarters for laundry day.

and totally predictable
xp

some weird shit goes down in forests

A person with a scar on the right side of their face when facing left will instead have a scar on the left side of their face when facing right.

Bouncing a ball off a brick makes it explode, or at least disappear.

Shoot first, ask questions never

When civilians see your machine gun, they will crouch on the ground cowering with their hands over their heads. To avoid this, conceal the weapon. This works even if you're carrying an AK-47 and wearing a skintight jumpsuit.

your enemies are genetically engineered super-soldiers but can only see about 5 feet in front of them.

Up until very recently, sports stadiums were filled up with a half dozen unique individuals and all the rest were clones. Clone or real, balls somehow would just pass right through their bodies like they weren't even there.

no matter how many exotic tools you are carrying, how many skills you have acquired in your time, or how many entire worlds you have saved in the past, you cannot climb over a fence that reaches only to your knees.

there are twelve people in this stadium
the rest are paste

(xpost)

Beware of bushes while driving - it might look like you can just drive over that one foot high shrub, but it'll be like driving into a boulder.

no matter how many exotic tools you are carrying, how many skills you have acquired in your time, or how many entire worlds you have saved in the past, you cannot climb over a fence that reaches only to your knees.

...you could put something twice the size in your pocket and continue to walk around with the same speed and agility, however

No matter where I am, any presents sitting around the place are obviously mine to open. Also, after I've beaten a bunch of people up, I always call my dad on the phone and he will transfer some money to my bank account.

The most important skill to learn when sword fighting pirates is the art of the snappy comeback.

Girls can never wear protective body armor, ever; they have to do their best with ribbons and dresses and jewelry etc. But that's okay, because a really nice dress will actually do more to boost their defense than a kevlar vest.

you think your current boss is bad? wait'll you see the next one

― blueski, 25 February 2008 22:21 (9 months ago) Bookmark

lol

Armed killers will stop shooting at you if you decide to have a half-hour radio conversation with your boss

This also applies to rummaging through your bags or wallet, or those of your friends.

It may seem like you're having to wade through all kinds of misery and toil to get to this one guy, but don't worry, you'll almost never have to go back through all that stuff.

Dogs are impervious to gunfire.

If you run up against some weird task that's not your ordinary job, don't worry; its standards of achievement are way less developed and you can probably master whatever it is in a very short time, to the point of defeating seasoned pros. The downside is that whatever you get from it is probably not necessary to you; the good news is that nobody ever seems to resent these dilettantes waltzing in and blowing them out of the water.

if someone shoots a gun at you at a low level, just wait for the bullet to reach you and simply jump over it.

If you're evac'ed from a combat zone by helicopter, it will get hit by a missile/struck by lightning/have a sudden malfunction, and spin violently out of control.

Cutting edge Zombie killing technology has taken an agricultural turn and now consists of peashooters and gas filled mushrooms.
Everything you need to protect your home

That Dr. Mario can take its toll on your sanity!! I played it for too long a few days back and then got into my car; when I started it up, the Check Engine light (yellow) and the fasten seatbelt light (red) both lit up next to each other, my first thought was, I need to stack three red/yellows on top of that!!