Come in here, piss my bloody money up the wall: It's The Apprentice UK 4 thread

Runners and riders: http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/03_03/apprenticegraph_900x631.jpg

"Jennifer Maguire" sounds like a treat

Dom, what is that HEID in aid of, above?

It's an animatronic Alan Sugar head, which comes pre-programmed with twenty set phrases, as well as having "realistic eyes and mouth movement".

It's basically the photo you see in the dictionary under "Uncanny Valley"

Good for freaking out small children and pets, if nothing else.

Can you play ZX Spectrum games on it?

Right, according to a cursory readthrough of that:

No-chance: 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, 12, 15

Will Irritate but stay in: 4, 9, 10, 14

Possible finalists: 2, 6, 8, 13, 16

I reckon Alan Sugars office is the only one that uses that Amstrad phone.

No 16 I initially misread as "Alex Macpherson" WTF

Claire Young : "I apply myself 150%"
Alex Wotherspoon : "I give 100% all the way"

loser.

Shazia Wahab: "You should never judge a book by its cover as you never know what story is lurking underneath"

Thanks for explaining that saying.

Helene Speight "I expect nothing on a plate"

constantly surprised in restaurants.

or not, if we're talking W11.

Jennifer Celerier: "If you are sitting on the fence you are taking up too much space."

Didn't she have a #39 hit with something or other back in 1988?

It's an animatronic Alan Sugar head, which comes pre-programmed with twenty set phrases, as well as having "realistic eyes and mouth movement".

Sir Alan seems to have bugging of the eyes.

Nicholas De Lacey 'Don't Call Me Nick Brown' Brown is going to be a cracker.

Nick "Hideaway" Brown is what he's going to end up being called.

SCHADENFREUDE TIME

Who the shite are these charlatans? I'm sure last year were more human than this.

Oh, has Margaret had a facelift?

Its always tempting to start playing the "If I was on this.." game.

For while every one of them is all "I am the best salesperson in all Europe, ruthless, unmerciful, a winner.." etc, what price the one contestant that says "there are things I would not do for some vague concept of 'success'"

That's what a 'mission statement' is all about.

How many of them will turn out to have been on the Weakest Link about 3 times... they are all looking for a boost in their career... not necessarily with Sir A though....

Oh what a bunch of insufferable wankers...

I am liking the lack-of-bonding-leading-to-everyone-talking-over-each-other element. It's kind of unwatchable but brilliant at the same time.

I think that's a direct consequence of most of them having a "I will shit on a dying pensioner to win" attitude.

This is some frankly embarrassing negotiation here.

Seriously bad.

The girls sound about 14. Where's the backbone?

The guys are fucking idiots - you never admit to the boss that you don't get on as a team!

How many of them used to be in the Manics?

A little piece of Richey lives on in each and every fish

ha! Punchup tonite!

"I hate not winning." WE BELIEVE YOU, ALREADY.

THREE people carriers? FFS.

I've this horrible feeling they'll fire Alex and keep the other two in for fun.

"'Outstanding' - what, you haven't got it yet?"

Bye bye Nicholas.

"I'm interested in art, music, ..."

Mhmm. Bye.

Thank God for that.

Over to 2 for the 'reckoning'?

Jesus do they ever change the set?

"tool is just about the right word there"

They have to have a comedian on every panel now. It's the rules.

Incidentally, I got an A* at GCSE French.

My only A*, but still...

Hey, a gig's a gig...

Blowing one's own trumpet?

First one to go was one of my "No hopers"...

That comedian is a real scream!

OK, he's damgood at paintin and that.

I like Nicholas now.

> OK, he's damgood at paintin and that.

'there's a bit of a jesus thing going on around the top there'

er, saint sebastian. the arrows were a clue.

oh, and 'people say i'm like dali'. only dali could paint and didn't rip off dali.

he so did!

Yeah, Saint Seb, I know. Was that really dome by him? Full marks for sense of humour anyway.

Michael Sophocles!?!?

this is pure gold. every year you think they can't top last year's mentalists but they seem to do it. that Raef guy is amazing - "i get on with prince or pauper"- really painful to watch. btw i wonder how long he's been called or been calling himself Raef?

OMG such painfully bad art:

http://www.delacy-brown.com/

that's the art of a serial killer in waiting.

Having read the first para I don't know if I have the strength for the rest:
http://www.delacy-brown.com/literature.html

Conclusion

In conclusion, Picasso’s Guernica...

every great work of art needs a conclusion.

The artist? Picasso. The masterpiece: Guernica.

The arsehole: De Lacy-Brown

De Lacy-Brown, Dan Brown... coincidence?

"There can be little doubt that horses and bulls were not central to the media coverage of the Guernica massacre."

Skimmed it: It reads alright, and an interesting point about it being covered up etc. It's an essay, right? No more no less.

Anyway, he's a qualified 'outstanding' barrister, his true passion is art and literature, and he's trying by means of this show to join AlSug's corporation? Doing what, exactly?

Put it this way: Can't the researchers spot a TV hopeful, or are they so close to this particular ball that they think everyone is a TV hopeful?

OMG, that's hilarious.

As appalling as DeLacy Brown was, 'Raef' was far far worse. Possibly the biggest tool to ever appear on British Television? I think so.

Sly toady alert amongst the 'boys' team - the fat blonde guy who looks like Matt Lucas with hair. His only words last night were 'Yes Sir Alan' and 'That's correct, Sir Alan'.

I reckon the cheeky cockney twat geezer will get off with one of the ladies at some point.

No, they want TV hopefuls (xp)

They might.

What does AlSug want? He wants to get more involved in picking the final ten, that's what he wants.

Puts far too much assumed trust in the Civil War/Madrid bombing analogy which was pretty clumsy and ill-informed in the first place. C

Alex is this year's equivalent of that northern car salesman from last year - basically stupid, but just about good enough to survive a few rounds if he can keep his temper in check. Ultimately he'll be done for by being brought in to be fired as a scapegoat by one of the posho types. He's already made enemies.

Raef:

a) "The spoken word is my tool"
b) "I gave this task 110% Sir Alan"

Tools seems somewhat unhoned.

xpost Who were the 'splitters' i.e. the ones who declared themselves 'separate' from Alex?

Raef, Nicholas, was there another?

The general sense from the others seemed to be "omg why are these (two) being like this?"

There was a lot of "Hope Alex hasn't gone" from the house before they got back, anyway.

a) "The spoken word is my I am a complete tool"

b) "I gave this task 110% ought to be beaten with sticks, Sir Alan"

x-post

Michael Sophocles seemed to be one of the splitters, but was cunning enough to keep it hidden for most of the programme.

Also that bloke (Simon?) who said at the start 'there are two types of people - winners and.....I can't say the other word'

Also - what was the name of the 'Matt Lucas with hair' fellow?

A distinct lack of gladiatorial style anyway.

Unless he goes into the arena waving a swordfish and telling the lion he's giving him 110%.

That was about Raef, naturally.

Kevin's the blond lad. I'm expecting him to fall around week six via being a rubbish project manager. Ian is the lad who can't say loser.

http://www.delacy-brown.com/images/Zest-3a.jpg

£4.95 for the prop in the wine glass.

It looks like a Sad Cafe album cover.

I'm going to be waiting for the Raef vs Alex boardroom rematch.

I'm hoping that Raef makes a complete tool spoken word out of himself in the intervening period.

I suspect I will have nightmares about that Alan Sugar mask thing in the first post

Is it just me or is Siralan steadily turning into Albert Steptoe?

Well, presumably Alex will avoid being totally rubbish next week, and someone else will nom Raef.

Unless Raef volunteers for the next task, and turns to Alex and says "You are so dead" BEFORE IT EVEN BEGINZ...

(xxpost) What makes it creepy is the soft drinks can in the picture to show the size, reminecent of the product photos on sex shop websites.

The biggest humiliation surely is to be sneered at and patronised by someone of the calibre of

Rufus Hound
COMEDIAN

I enjoyed Rufus's public hardsonning of Nick, pretty much "In words of one syllable, Alan Sugar likes football, so don't tell him you hate football!"

Back on that AMS electronic head, it's like Skynet subcontracted the manufacture of the Terminator out to Amstrad. Although you wouldn't have much to worry about if your mortal enemy only had £24.99 budgeted to kill you. And it would save even more money, because if it didn't kill Sarah or John Connor in 14 days, Skynet could ake it back to Argos for a refund.

Also, someone should get one and circuit bend it "You're fffffffff FFFFFIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEDDDD!!!"

ake = take

I suspect I will have nightmares about that Alan Sugar mask thing in the first post
http://blog.project76.tv/amsface_hnd_pop_600x450.jpg

Something for the ladies, there.

Raef in his earlier career (pictured left)

AMS earlier in his career (with R0ger de C0urcey)
http://entertainers.co.uk/comedy-speciality/comedy-speciality-Images/roger-de-courcey/RogerDeCourcey2.jpg

and here's me thinking Rog did Nook's voice, whereas AlSug was doing Nook and ROg!

Well he's got the finger for it...

Anyway, he's a qualified 'outstanding' barrister, his true passion is art and literature, and he's trying by means of this show to join AlSug's corporation? Doing what, exactly?

being a very troubled narcissist?

poor lad. no, hang on. he's a twat, too.

interesting, though, how there is a bit more swaggering ladism going on here -- lee (is it lee? i can't be arsed going to check) and simon in particular. whether that's going to translate into decent telly is a moot point. i was bored shitless by the half-hour mark.

next week's looks interesting, though: beret-wearing katie-wannabe fucks up, teeters on edge of public breakdown.

Well, that was a bit of a surprise.

Yeah, a surprise on two counts. First surprise, the boys team didn't go into meltdown after last week and against all odds have bonded properly. Maybe all future team building seminars should consist of doing laundry? Alex is keeping his head low though. Second surprise, Katie 2 didn't get fired.

That's a surprise?

Can't fire the boo character too early!

Well, for the first time ever,a team actually does the task successfully 100%.

Raef, in fairness, managed by not bossing, and let the guys do what was needed. Also, got there in the end for the final push at the right time.

Simon is the most closeted man in British TV history.

And seriously, fuck Jenny and her Steptoe chin.

We need an animated gif of Simon's victory dance.

Then someone to tile it all down this thread.

Simon seems the favourite to win.

He's my prediction to win, he has the kind of mixture of "gertcha gor blimey luvaduck sort it aaaaahhhhhht" attitude and toady-asslicking that seems like it'd appeal to Suralan.

On the girls team, who was it who stood up and made a speech about how great a manager they'd just had, in the house after the task?

I dunno, but I'm hating that Jennifer on sight and I haven't even seen a show yet. She's got an honours degree from DeMontfort; AFAIK those look something LIKE THIS:

http://www.germes-online.com/direct/dbimage/50306893/Toilet_Roll_Paper.jpg

However she STOOD UP AND FOUGHT HER CORNER metaphorically and THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT yet THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT (as per systems thinking deployed on following Adrian Chiles programme).

also, ratings, as though that needs to be underlined.

shazia was a total scapegoat here although she should have fought her corner a bit more. jenny called her a liar, for what? i'd have ripped her apart.

Easy to say that from safety of your couch at home.

true, i'd actually probably cry, just like Lucinda.

shazia looked too shocked to talk at the liar accusation.

jenny is one of those people who 'wins' arguments by saying 'let me finish' and then never finishing. i hate that.

i liked the way lucinda said 'pickle'

Jenny managed to do everything you should KNOW not to do as an early team leader person. Being a complete cow notwithstanding, she thought it would be a good idea to turn both of her fellow returnees against her instead of getting Shazia to get onside against Luthinda. Also accusing her of lying and manipulating, and blasting Luthinda for basically not waking up in the morning. She couldn't really answer when Alan asked what she'd done wrong (although who knows, anything that might provide any insight into any of them was of course edited out. God forbid you should let someone continue with one train of thought for more than 2 seconds).

xpost

Mainly I hate her because she does that LET. ME. FINISH. SPEAKING. x1000 all the time.

oh man, i really hate that too.

i also hate the fact that the "why shouldn't i fire you?" question is always answered by vague claims about how much they really want this and how motivational they are rather than... LET ME FINISH...actually addressing the issues of the task.

just once, answer the bloody question.

would love fr someone to do a GIF of raef laughing down the phone at the dudes doing the washing

cosign the let me finish antipathy

jenny employed a less successful vn of the tactic tom used last week: choosing someone as a fallguy early on thus seeding his potential 'out' intheminds of his teammates early on w. a valid if bullying reason. jenny just decided she didn't like lucinea fr whatever reason and then tried to hang her scapegoating on that. lame.

this show is so funny btw

haven't seen any of the other seasons so nothing to compare it to, but that was great. jenny awful

You 'what's BBC2?' person you!

> would love fr someone to do a GIF of raef laughing down the phone at the dudes doing the washing

the whole "god, i hate whiners" / "latte, no sugar" section brought the lolz.

It looked outrageous, but was a pure representation of the 'manager'/'worker' divide.

i'm late to the party, as usual. but yeh, that was a goodun. sugar's demolition of the 24-hour shreddies hotline in particular: "awright gels, 'ow's me pants?"

jenny is fascinatingly vile. luthinda couldn't be less like katie, really, could she?

You 'what's BBC2?' person you!
I work when all the good telly's on. Gawd bless iPlayer.

http://www.videomakersonline.com/rental/photo_vcr_betamax.jpg

Did you watch that "worst Apprentice decisions ever" thing that was on BBC2 last night? That was a useful summary of every series ever.

I did! It were ace. That Tre guy rocks.

Tre might be my favouritest Apprentice contestant ever. I had forgotten how much I hated Syed though.

^^^ I hadn't forgotten. "This car will appreciate in value" Yeah right...

Also I've been trying to find a pic of an Amstrad VCR to compliment the Betamax pic. Best I could do:
http://www.amstrad.com/assets/img/archive/twin-vhs.gif

I am watching this Worst Mistakes Ever thing. Why is Vanessa Feltz?

good question.

Jenny v Lucinda = potential ratings-winner, so no way Shazia could stay at the expense of either one of them. I suspect whoever went in there was going out, that was the lamest firing excuse since Karen two years ago "you're a lawyer, I don't need a lawyer", um, yes, she wasn't applying to be a fucking lawyer though, was she? Also, I noticed SrAlan managed to mispronounce Shazia's name every time, much as he did with Ghazal last year.

Did Jenny actually say "I feel like I've been breastfeeding certain members of the team"? Sirloin's face seemed to suggest she really did.

Also, FOUR NINETY-NINE A PIECE?

She did!

£15? You're sure? For the lot? £15? Really? All my stuff. fiiiiiiiffteeeeeen quid? Yeh? Sure? £15? OK then ...

He didn't get offered the 24-hour helpline (with not one but two personal account managers) though

oh, it started it £10 remember- "and you're going to iron it as well?" - that bumped it up by £5.

i really liked that man's voice.

also the hotel manager's look of disbelief but trying not to give too much away in the face of the £5,000 sheet laundering pitch was priceless.

stet: glad you're getting to appreciate the genius of tre. i've got that worst-decisions thing lined up to watch today.

taste of Italy! Geniuses.

How dumb does someone have to be to be unable to operate a dumb waiter?

Is Lindi simple? There's something in her eyes that makes me think she needs flashcards to breath.

Kevin has the moustache of a 13-year-old

"chiabattas sold like hot cakes" WTF?

"Kevin and Simon" what a surprise...

"I know that's how food works"

Ian looks like the elder son from "Butterflies".

He was scapegoating right from "you will take on head chef?"

Ian's old man just talked more sense in those 30 seconds then the whole team did during the entire task.

Kevin counting tomatoes was all kinds of awesome ("you need 10 tomatoes for 4 people, so we might have 15 people wanting soup so we'll need 150 tomatoes. But if four people at one table want soup, then we'll only have enough for 6, or 11, or..". Then Alex weighed in with his 100% discount on his £200 menu order which knocked it down to £100. Eh, you what?

Also "I want to talk to you, Lee McQueen wants to talk to you" = Lee McQueen must die.

Kevin is played by Russell Howard off Mock the Week, isn't he?

Simon ftw.

yeah, Simon is totally in the clear spot. Does anyone doubt that he can actually be manager?

Why do all the men have blue eyes?

half a pizza, anyone?

kevin was awful but he wasn't responsible for everything food related in the entire task just because he was head chef. there were seven people and it was a food based task ffs. three people to deal with the food and four to drive around in a car getting printing done? it's quite incredible that, year after year, a group of 16 people can come together without a single creative thought between them.

xp

most people in the apprentice have blue eyes. even that asian guy sayeed (sp?) from two years ago had electric blue eyes.

I like Simon because he doesn't feel the need to speak in words he doesn't understand in order to try and sound clever. He's not a salesman with ideas above his station, he's just a bloke with a bit of common sense. How on EARTH did he get through to the TV stages?

Changed my mind about Kevin. He's actually Gareth Keenan.

xpost, jed OTM, but Kevin's knuckle-bitingly awful decisions based on his seeming belief that he was the only person in the world ever to have eaten in an Italian restaurant (even though he had obviously never eaten a carbonara) ensured he was getting roundly mocked round our house. The chef's attempts at keeping a straight face were more than I could have managed.

Mind you, not sure the punters had ever eaten in an Italian restaurant themselves, especially that table of cocks laughing at them serving smaller portions of the main pasta dishes as a starter.

ha, ailsa OTM about all the mathematical WTFing.

not so sure about the simon-love here (that feels weird, saying that) although yeh, he's probably best of the blokes. (anyone heard a dubious piece of gossip about him, BTW? mrs F says she read something -- uncorroborated, on another board -- that i really don't believe is true.)

kevin must be matt lucas doing a piss-take, surely? but still: fair result. ian: a grade-A, platinum-plated tool who reminds me very, very much of someone i know, sadly, in real life -- that ugly combination of haplessness, self-belief and eagerness to apportion blame.

not sure about wotserface on the girls' team, either (the one who kept moaning about sara). curry: "a niche market"? had a look at the UK's top-selling dishes recently, then?

Highlight for me was Vicky Pollard's Posh Cousin going "Well, I've certainly paid £4.50 for a bowl of soup!" when two weeks ago he never thought "Well, I've never paid £5 for a whole lobster!"

It looks like they get mixed back up out of gender lines next week. Pity.

And so, another of my "no chance" picks gets booted off. Doing quite well at this.

I like Simon because he doesn't feel the need to speak in words he doesn't understand in order to try and sound clever. He's not a salesman with ideas above his station, he's just a bloke with a bit of common sense. How on EARTH did he get through to the TV stages?

Oh I think that's fairly obvious - so that Siralan can come up to him in the last episode, put a fatherly hand on his shoulder and say "lovely shoulders boy"...

> "you need 10 tomatoes for 4 people, so we might have 15 people wanting soup"

the idiot thing about this is that Barney Rubble chose 15 when he could've chosen 16 and just multiplied by 4.

also, "lightbulb moment"

"shoot down that lightbulb"
"Lee McQueen is very angry", for fuck's sake keep that guy away from sharp knives, rope, strong lager, etc..
As long as Simon keeps repeating to himself the mantra "keep control of costs" then he should be alright when it's his turn to be project manager.

i'm hoping simon tries to run his task like it's the army.

then goes fucking mental and starts shooting everyone.

Much as I didn't like moany girl, I thought she did have a point about the curry thing. I could eat it all day every day, but it's not the sort of thing you could knock up loads of varieties for cheap and quick like the pizzas and stuff should have been. Most food places have 'curry' as the only curry dish.
Still they won, so what do I know?

Have you never been to a JD Wetherspoon's curry night - plentiful cheapo generic curries of varying colours and different names. All manky, like, but at least a choice is offered. I thought they were onto a loser when they went down the road to the local Indian restaurant to check out the menu/prices - why wouldn't Joe Punter just go there to eat curry instead?

oh aye, i'm not saying it was business idea of the century. but i did think MoanyGirl was picking the wrong holes in it.

key thing, i'd have thought, would be pile it high, sell it cheap. i wouldn't have thought you could go too badly wrong with pasta and pizzas ...

... unless you bought all the ingredients from FUCKING TESCO, natch.

why did they not get more of a beatdown about that?

pile it high, sell it cheap

...actually the motto of the guy who founded Tesco!
Sir Alan of Sugar did mention it (so much of the boardroom gets edited out), but I think it was only partly why they lost, the main reason being that they didn't charge enough because they pulled the prices out of their backsides rather than work it out properly. The thing that got me was that neither team had to do anything as elaborate as curry or pizza - the chef guy on BBC2 touched on it - they could have done the usual pub grub and made more money.

yeh, i've not watched the "you're fired" show yet. i was thinking about that: what's the cheapest stuff to do? i'd like to think that, if i'd been part of the team, that'd have been the first thing i did: spend an hour or two trying to investigate that.

"yes! it's baked beans and bread night at the fuckwit and bellend! all you can eat for just £100 a head."

hmm.

I wondered about that. These are pubs that have never sold food before. Can you suddenly pack them out with a special night featuring dull pub grub and do £800 of trade?

It was funny when the army guy called Sir Alan 'Alan'.

I don't think people go to pubs to eat anything more fancy than the usual chips etc.. I've never heard anyone say "I fancy a curry/pizza, let's go to that pub that never sells food but tonight they mysteriously are! How bad can they be?!". Wetherspoon's do that curry night deal, but it's very heavily advertised. The teams only had one day, and it looked as though promotion was restricted to the area immediately around the pub.

I loled at that "Alan" moment - the "oh shit!!!" look on Simon's face. Something for his "best bits" VT.

Have you never heard of a GASTROPUB, snoball.

Not that anyone would have been fooled into thinking that what was on offer was going to be anything other than barely edible. Did people just turn up so they could get on TV?

I thought for one awful moment that that "Bollywood dancer" was going to rip off his shirt.

Did people just turn up so they could get on TV?

i'm assuming so. although did nobody else think the bollywood pub looked really very quiet?

Ah, but it's a pub that's been surrounded by a TV crew all day, and you get to be an amateur food critic into the bargain. Do you see a problem?

ha, yes, xpost

re. local marketing, lol at the answering machine message "if you'd like to book a meal at The Duke of Hamilton LONDON, please leave a message". Surely specify it's in Hampstead/Islington/wherever, or leave it out totally, you aren't marketing this internationally, you tools".

Raef was oddly under the radar this ep. I predict a comeback of epic proportions next week to compensate.

(xxpost) I think a gastropub would have been a little out of the teams' league! Look at all the trouble Kevin had with posh cheese on toast. They could probably manage to pull of a gastroenteritis pub night though.

Yes, I know, I was just taking issue with your "I don't think people go to pubs to eat anything more fancy than the usual chips etc."

The whole concept was stupid, though. It was the least satisfying episode of the three so far.

Ah, but, you see, Ian's parents run a pub, so it was a task to keep the boys in, with a project manager chosen specially by Alan who must have read his CV. And it failed. Or else it was a calculated attempt to make him look a tit. And it worked.

xpost: i liked it, actually. just for kevin, who revealed himself to be anything but the sinister, smiling assassin i'd assumed.

You were the one who thought Lucinda was going to be the new Katie Hopkins, weren't you? You're a terrible judge of character!

(xxxpost) Next week doesn't look to good either - a version of last year's calender shoot task without the negotiation bit at the end. And some fair-to-rubbish celebrity lookalikes thrown in. Basically another chance for Sralan "this task was simple" in an exasperated voice.

(xxpost) Give 'em enough rope...

The bit where they showed Simon going "Yeee-EESSS" to himself on announcement of task next week = TV crew setting him up for a fall. SrAlan taking the time after firing Ian to tell Simon he shouldn't even have been in the boardroom seemed a bit like favouritism, and methinks they are painting him as huge favourite in order to up the shock when he has the rug pulled from under him.

You were the one who thought Lucinda was going to be the new Katie Hopkins, weren't you?

ha! yes. dear god, talk about wrong.

although you NEVER KNOW ... ;)

You're a terrible judge of character!

yes, i remember meeting this skinny bloke with floppy hair in glasgow a few years back and thinking how ace he was, when actually ... <continues in same unfunny vein for ages>

Katie on Simon: "Sir Alan will break his heart. And I don’t want to be there to watch it happen. Sergeant Major Simon is a teddy bear and a trooper."

She's a rub judge of character too....

lovely judge of cheese though.

HEY! YOU!

when's the repeat?

couldn't bear that group discussion stuff.

Wonder if word of simon's backhanded praise in the boardroom last week has got out? They're working hard against him.

I'm currently trying to come up with ways Simon doesn't go this week. They can thus far be summarised as Lucinda.

Sweepstake on usage of "load of old toot" this episode, anyone?

Did someone just have a flashback to Nam there?

*Simon, not someone

Lucinda is now going to have to screw up massively.

And I think she might just do it...

lucidina might have been all "I've never owned a digital camera. Or a pair of hands" but was it really a good idea for her to be the only one who could work the thing?

Perhaps passers-by could start telling Simon how to manage as well.
xposts lolol

"I managed to burn a CD this morning"

What's with the Tim Burton-esque soundtrack?

Which shopping centre is that anyway? Brent Cross?

that was basically a lol fattey shot, haha.

Alex looks like a reserve team winger for Borussia Dortmund.

That whole sorting out of rifts thing... yeah.

xxp - Bluewater.

...

Helene's gone.

On normal paper?!?!

That whole "zooming in on the Jobcentre sign" shot earlier may have broken the all-time series record for eerie prescience.

xxp - Quite possibly, yes. I had her down as the winner... so, er, LEE MCQUEEN, then?

jennifer could win by sheer invisibility here.

Helene looks a lot like a girl I used to live with who claimed to have fucked Claude Makelele.

"Stand up to the plate"

she has a lot of credibility

was Simon that awful a manager?it looked like herding cats.

Somehow, Simon is not going to go. I do not know how. But there will be some way...

Then again, out of three tasks so far only one PM has gone. So perhaps time to even the score.

We need to get this Kerry Katona bitch out of here asap.

he's got her.

I have just realised that this is the one from the opening credits where Claire cries.

OSTRACISED

Suralan should say "OSTRACISED" in every episode.

"if I go in there I'll wipe the floor with him"

ffs

nooooooooooo

Soldier boy no longer up in this oh.

OK, so Claire wears that suit in another boardroom.

Claire and Jenny on the same team. Yay for womanhood.

That was this week too, tho...

Lucinda as the other PM!

her biggest problem isn't as a manager though, is it? Gah.

Simon Smith and his amazing dancing (subs please fill this in)

On the after show he came across as the most self-effacing and likeable candidate ever.

Also for the whole show i was trying to figure out who the hell he reminded me of and i've finally got it - Mark Thomas.

yes!

what a fucking turncoat that alex is - "i think claire should go"... based on the fact that s'ralan clearly doesn't like her.

what in the fucking hell was that about, then?

"you! you're totally fucking shit! i've had enough of you! get out ... eh? who's that just walked in out of shot? the producer? what do you mean, 'remember the ratings?' oh, right ... we back on? ... yeh, get out! back to the, umm, house! YEH! that's punishment!"

that was absolutely fucking bollocks.

also: lucinda should have been fired just for being such a fucking tedious, useless, whining arse.

and helene, for being a cunt.

"I'm selling like hot cakes out there"

I don't really think "remember the ratings?" was a factor here...surely if that were the case, the producers would have insisted on good old salt-of-the-earth Simon staying at least until the extended interview stage?

... maybe so. but that just makes the sheer, staggering mystery of laying into claire as he did and then NOT SACKING HER so bizarre as to suggest some form of psychosis.

also: let's try to think like reality-show TV producers for a minute. (yes, i know, i know.) salt-of-the-earth simon promises graft and the occasional emotional explosion. claire promises bitching, backstabbing, cattiness and potentially a huge kicking off with queen bitch helene.

Alternative explanation: siralan's getting a hardon

She's just a wannabe Badger, isn't she.

Alternative explanation: siralan's getting a hardon

horribly likely.

Hah, remember Rory?

sadly, yes. why?

He was a pundit on The Apprentice: Motor Mouths tonight

worth watching?

does rory sustain severe testicular bruising at any point?

Just watched this finally. HATE Claire. And Helene. Fully behind Lee now, despite his referring to himself in the third person - his rapport with the general public was way more natural than any of these super sales people. If this was in Scotland though, they could have saved money on hiring a Beckham lookey-likey by pimping him as Celtic captain Steven McManus.

Just watching the Adrian Chiles show, Simon is such a lovely bloke. LOVED him thanking Sir Alan and Frances.

(I called the Mark Thomas thing as well without having read this thread! I sort of almost expected to find out he actually WAS him, and that the whole thing was some sort of bizarro prank)

revived to read later (just catching up, need to see repeat)

10 seconds x estimated 100 people clicking on thread to find the only new messages are someone reviving thread to make it quicker to access for themselves later and someone else complaining about it = 16:40 of wasted moments = stop pissing our bloody time up the wall.

OK, saying something.

While away, I estimated that Simon got left high and dry by people trying very hard to make tasks fail where they would not be seen to be the reason why.

However, after watching, it was a fair cop, just about. (I watched it on the BBC iviewer, first time caller, James) All he had to do was run the team like it was Not the army, like his people were not just doing to do it now. But not only would they ask how high, but ask why they were jumping at all, and is jumping an appropriate course of action at this time?

But hmmm. That Claire to be the next 'manager', possibly against Lucinda? With a team that would willingly fall on a sword to get rid of Lucinda but would fall on two swords to get rid of Claire?

So, it's "Ice Cream Flavours" tonight, with Claire and A.N. Other as team leaders...

Lucinda, who apparently gets totally fucked over by the rest of her team from the very start.

One massive problem I have with the format of the Apprentice as a tool for recruitment is that you are leading people who want to see you fail, as opposed to leading the people that are recruited to lower positions in the company that you would be dealing with in a real management situation. Massively entertaining as a TV show, obviously, but not really a good way to demonstrate your actual management skills.

Raif really needs to do another button on his shirt up.

pfffft

Lindi and Jenny turning on each other is pretty funny.

RIP Lindi, heaven needed Tippex eyeliner.

the right decision, lindi was the awful architect of the "24 hr pants hotline" remember

I love lucinda & hate sir alan

also love raef

I would actually work for Lucinda (as in, not mind her as a boss). The rest of them, nah, no thanks.

I'm glad my Luthinda love will live another day. Mind you, how fucking stupid was she to blab to Jennifer what Helene thought of her? Are there any female candidates who don't hate her?

Mind you, how fucking stupid was she to blab to Jennifer what Helene thought of her?

yes, exactly: any surprising respect i'd built up for lucinda during that task (and believe me: her whole oh-no-lickle-me-can't-work-a-fucking-computer schtick last week made it fucking surprising) disappeared in a flash there.

i've no idea whether helene actually said that; i assume so, as lucinda doesn't strike me as the type who'd make something up. so: more fool helene for bitching about people to other people she barely knows (or likes).

however: as someone who's been in the spectacularly unenviable situation of having what he thought were private comments about other people broadcast to all and sundry (and they were nowhere even approaching as bad as what helene apparently said; in a lesser league altogether), that really touched a nerve. for fuck's sake, lucinda: someone as hello-fucking-clouds-hello-fucking-sky as you really should have some fucking clue about how not to go about fucking everybody off.

ailsa, come on: you'd kill her if she was your boss. she made a good job of that task (several thousand times better than claire, who was fucking shocking but lucked out) but on the whole: she's a wet end, and a shockingly daft one to boot.

lindy or jennifer: i actually think jennifer should have gone on the basis of that particular task, but yeh: lindy has been either a bit crap or a bit invisible, so hey.

the music was interesting this week. was that "very very hungry" from "my life in the bush of ghosts" during one of the ice-cream-making scenes? "marquee moon" in the cinema? and i'd love to know what the electro-bass thing was at round about 6.30 on sales day (just as Team Claire made its final pitch).

No, I would honestly rather work for her than any of the rest of them so far. She was pleasant, open, and had some genuinely good ideas, not one instance of "you WILL listen to me, I AM in charge, you WILL respect me" etc. Interesting that Margaret seemed to really warm to her as well, which I'm guessing has been conveyed to SirAlan.

and i'd love to know what the electro-bass thing was at round about 6.30 on sales day (just as Team Claire made its final pitch).

I think it's something off Air's 10,000Hz Legend, but I could well be wrong.

What grimly said. Also:

Lucinda really shot someone else in the foot there. Someone who had just come around to liking her, and now she's all "I NEVER SAID ANYTHING OF THE SORT and if i did, who are you to repeat that to her?"

So, the sea went out, and Lucinda was on the beach i.e. safe. That question of analysing her risk of being fired showed that Sral had no idea what a risk analysis person was, and also what was she going to say? "No chance whatsoever, as I was not aware of how lousy the sales team's offers were and couldn't be expected to"... Actually, that would have been a kickass response and I should be on this prog. (not really the last bit there)

Lindi was the right one to go, as she was the first to accept the 'exclusivity' clause, and did let Jennifer go offer everyone else exclusivity without stopping her, even though she was in charge at that point.

also, the music has certainly been great this time. There a soundtrack 2CD in the works?

Great stuff last night. I am liking :

Lucinda - I reckon she'd be great to work with
Michael - he'll probably get found out when he leads a team though
Raef - despite what I said about him after week 1, I was wrong, he's great
Lee McQueen - stuco a task up for Lucinda well and always gets stuck in t

Loathing : Helene, Jennifer red-head, Irish Jennifer (nasty!), Claire (she will get to the final), Kevin, Alex.

The exclusivity issue does raise issues about exactly how bright these people are though. Has 'the best salesperson in Europe' got any business sense whatsoever? When the exclusivity question was raised, why didn't she THINK 'what can WE get out of this' and ask for a huge order quantity in return for exclusivity? The farm obv has a finite, quite small, manufacturing capacity and they should have known what that was. It's possible that SAS would have accepted that as valid business if they'd have given a short period of exclusivity for a very large order with the permission of the manufacturer

Lee McQueen - stuco a task up for Lucinda well and always gets stuck in t

WTF? I meant, he stuck up for Lucinda well, and always gets stuck into the task. Or something like that. Too many 'stucks', I know.

You've reminded me of Lindi's list headed "Appointmnets".

I have to say, I had much less of a problem with Lindi's limited exclusivity deal (3 months is probably a reasonable amount of time for the farmer to get used to the ongoing order situation, and for the restaurant to review how much they're buying - and I suspect if she'd phoned Lucinda to back out her decision it would have gone fine and nobody would have had a problem with it, especially since it was after 6pm when she did the deal)compared to Jennifer "the best salesperson in Europe" giving away unlimited exclusivity for nothing and having to cancel further appointments over it.

I think my favourite bit was when they went back to the house and Jennifer said "He said some people think I'm a bit of an Ice Queen". TUMBLEWEED.

Jennifer in "oh shit I have to redeploy my entire personality, Claire style" realisation.

x-post Maybe, Aldo - if the whole team had made a business decision that exclusivity was worth it, but ONLY if they'd have got an on-the-spot commitment to a MUCH larger order.

Also trying to sell ice-cream to ice-cream makers! WTF? Didn't they think of more restaurants, delis, theatres?? Six appointments was pitiful too, as the Gu bloke said on the Adrian Chiles follow-up - they should have had 20+, with teams of 2, not 3, going out to maximize coverage.

And yet, the team with just two appointments and a focus group of two pissed blokes in a pub still managed to beat them.

Yes, but they got lucky with their doorstepping, didn't they? Was their large order from one of the 2 appointments? I can't remember.

fairly sure it wasn't.

Lindi, one week quoting price of £4.99 for each towel laundered, then £10 for a restaurant's entire laundry load, then offering exclusivity for a £500 deal(or something)...

Hmm, not a great on-screen CV either.

I thought the £4.99 was awful Jenny's idea in the taxi (which, admittedly, Lindi then enthusiastically backed).

Their big order was from an appointment they managed to get during the day.

lol at kevin.

In general.

a passive-aggressive hectoring card. Genius at work.

no apostrophe

yeah I said it

Sara looks like an anime character

Kevin's gone, anyway.

yeh the "I am so hard working" defence is always the last straw

Lee McQueen is angry.

SIMPLE AS AT

Lee McQueen: "YAHHH TRICK YAHHH"

"sorry your 11 year old daughter got shot by a hoodie"

"sorry the father of your 2 kids got kicked into a bloody pulp"

So many highlights in that episode.

"Sorry to hear your teeth fell out in the Arndale Centre, All my love Thomas."

Lee McQueen likes aliens.

That's the second time Jenny (ginger chin one) has lied outright about someone doing something ON CAMERA BROADCAST TO THE NATION ie this time it was Sara not coming up with any ideas. I thought the Eid idea was good although would have assumed there's a reason it's not been done already. She really is hateful. I can't believe even at the end they still thought sending passive-aggressive cards to your "mates" was a great idea.

Kev has got to be the most actual stupid person they've ever had on the show, right? (Fully expecting Lee McQueen to take this title, though). At least Sayid and all the other thickos had some sort of slimy boardroom tactics - Daffydd just blundered on at every opportunity.

And anyone who whines about "I'm just expressing my opinion, I've got a right to express my opinion" should be fired on the spot. And then killed.

Kev's pitches were quite a marvel. As was Sralan's aforementioned tangent about hoodies shooting your daughter in the head. And the look on Margaret's face when Michael let out his winning roar.

"Next week: the teams barter in Marakesh." Hmm.. looked to me like they were haggling, not bartering. Though if they end up trading Jenny for some magic beans I'll be thrilled.

That bitching in the house was really appalling, but if Sara doesn't speak up they're just going to monster her.

it was great to watch tho

nah, it was fucking horrible. bunch of cunts, almost all of them. their simple-minded idiocy is wearying; their arrogant bullying more so. raef to win.

next week's is very interesting, apparently. horrific fuck-up; double firing?

I really like seeing them exposed like that. It seems like Apprentices usually try to present themselves as hard-bitten dicks anyway, so when they let it all out it's gripping.

have heard this rumour too. they bribe a seller apparently.

Did anyone see the penny drop with Clair re: Jenny?

Jenny: "WHAT, YOU THINK SARA SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN FIRED THEN?" like itwasa self evident truth...

Jenny's argument: "You shouldn't sack the ones who take a high-risk strategy".

So you want high-risk without the ... risk?

Siralan addresses the bag of magic beans sitting in the chair opposite him:

"Well, you haven't shown me any magic with this task. Haven't you got anything to say for yourself?"

Bag of magic beans: silence.

"I'm not hiring any shy wallflowers. Bag of beans - you're fired!"

Raef must win if only on an only-sane-person-in-the-Village basis.

Kev has got to be the most actual stupid person they've ever had on the show, right?

Agreed - *unbelievably* stupid in every respect. Once they'd agreed on the unutterably worthless enviro card idea it was a certainty that a) the team would lose and b)he would be shafted by Claire and Jenny in the boardroom recriminations.

I am thinking that Claire looks like a winner though. Anyone thinking that a Rafe v Claire final could be on?

Jenny red-head is a prime example of what happens when someone gets *just enough* business training to mask their glaring stupidity, not to mention her pathological dishonestness- I think/hope it's all about to unravel horribly any week now.

The Sara thing back in the house was ugly - yes, she is whiny, but the way they turned on her was really nasty. What the feck was Lee McQueen on about? What has he done that's so great anyway? We'll see him pitifully exposed sooner or later I think.

My favourites are still Rafe and Lucinda.

Double-firing next week, people! Who do you reckon? I think Jenny red-head and 'something of the night' Jenny.

I mean Raef.

Something of 1974 Bryan Ferry morelike

Who, Raef or Jenny?

Jenny redhead is a deadringer for the young Steve Harley.

What the feck was Lee McQueen on about?

whatever it was, it made him look like a total and utter twatbastard fuck. calm down, you ridiculous man.

Another time to "make him team manager, say goodbye"

nice girl

Presumably the Mirror will balance that out with a tell-all story about Les McQueen.

So, past 2 weeks, both firees were on my "no chance" picks list.

Who left has a chance?

Claire - This year's pushy cow. SAS likes her and she has won twice as team leader.

Rafe - but two posh winners in a row may be too much for SAS.

Jenny chin - surely too nasty even for SAS?

Icy Jenny - crap and duplicitious so far, but if she leads a team to a big victory could become a contender?

Michael - possible outsider?

Helene?

Luthinda?

Well Luthinda pretty well did prove herself a decent project manager last week so unless she has another supernova breakdown she should be OK for now.

Personally I think to spice things up they should get Geir in as a contestant next year.

re: mirror article...

Allowed her son Simon, then aged 13, to play by a hotel pool on holiday while she sunbathed naked on a beach a mile away.

I don't see the problem with this.

no, me neither.

fundamentally: human being likes shagging and money; wants to keep options open; was probably right not to devote too much emotional energy to the kind of spineless little shit who'd sell his story.

doesn't stop me loathing her on the apprentice, though :)

Also a Rothley connection - someone should tell the McCann conspiracy nuts. Or probably not actually.

Yesterday's APPRENTICE broadcast at EXACTLY SAME TIME as MADELEINE ONE YEAR ON: SOMETHING INSIDE SO STRONG (or whatever the subtitle was) on ITV was this a COINCIDENCE I say NOT!!

Yeah, I love it when a story-seller emphasises bondage games etc. AS IF HE WAS NOT ALSO PLAYING THEM.

surprised that no one here thinks sara has a chance. she's the only one i'd consider working with, the only one who seems normal and smart (raef's a nice guy but he's an eccentric). she might be relatively shy but when you're surrounded with gobby morons like jenny, claire and wifebeater mcqueen who wouldn't be?

disgusted that alex is getting away with being such a sly thick-bastard snake - enough of the 'oh he so cute' nonsense, he's vile! you can see the cogs whirring in his brain when he spots an opportunity to pass the blame onto someone else and pauses to tell them so in his fat-tongued lispy thick-fuck accent. he's far and away my most hated on this show, with jenny redhead and claire next in line.

an interesting thing about this show is how they all seem to think that to succeed in business you need to be an out and out cunt, that you must shaft everyone and anyone - would anyone really want to work with sophocles after seeing his clip where he brags that he'd stab anyone in the back to get this job? this is the reason why sara is the only potential winner, someone bright and pleasant living in a nest of vipers who unsurprisingly doesn't much like them, and vice versa. only weird thing is why any competent businessperson would want to work for sugar (insane hours, not esp great wage).

this season does seem particularly lol-filled. the decision to put kevin in can only have been for comedic purposes. it worked like a charm, but practically every task this season has been such an utter disaster it makes the whole thing seem like a parody. i'm starting to prefer merit-based style of shows like The Restaurant to the suspiciously-edited lolfest that The Apprentice has become.

(did anyone see the article in the sunday tabloids about a 14yr old kevin claiming to have been on a airplane heading out on holiday, whereupon the pilot had a heart attack so kevin ran up front and managed to land the plane on his own?)

You have to remember that this is peak time television, and that peak time television is about ratings, so to keep viewers hooked naturally the producers will endeavour to keep the gobby nasty ones in as long as possible. Anyone (possibly including Siralan) who seriously thinks this is a business training tool is seriously deluded.

yeah that's a given but it's gone so far from the original premise that it's little more than another reality tv joke show.

i guess it jumped the shark in the 2nd year (?) when SAS claimed there wouldn't be anymore as he'd found his businessman - then he started popping up on light ent. chat shows, enjoyed the attention and lo and behold: 2nd series.

maybe i'm looking through rose-tinted specs but was there really anyone on the first series who was as much of a dipshit as kevin?

but practically every task this season has been such an utter disaster it makes the whole thing seem like a parody

Actually, two tasks have been done very successfully. The lads on the Laundry, and Claire's team on the ice cream both were more successful than previous series' tasks. (Hey look I can use an apostrophe in the right place!). I'd even give the lads laundry a near 100% success percentage.

I think you nailed it with "enjoyed the attention."

yeah i'd say the laundry task was a success but wasn't claire's team the one who turned up late for their ice cream taste group so got a couple of drunks from the pub instead? shabby.

There were other people there too.

the whole thing of turning up late too. i recall watching the episode and whooping thinking claire was about get booted out because she was making such a mess of the whole thing. she only won because she got very lucky and the other team were ever so slightly worse. definitely not a successful task.

anyway am i alone in thinking sara is the only employable person in there?

I think Lucinda is employable. I really like her.

Thinking it through, I reckon Raef's track record as an entrepreneur will unravel very, very fast if he gets to the stage where they get interviewed by SAS's business cronies - rather like that guy last series who was operating a multi-national from his bedroom.

only weird thing is why any competent businessperson would want to work for sugar

a) They don't really, they just want to be ON THE TELLY!
b) They are VERY far from competent business people.

As a perfect example of b), and why salespeople hardly ever have real business skills see Kevin and his team's performance last night. Their answer to doing business is to flog it the product hard, no matter if it's a crap product to begin with. Then, when they meet some resistance the only thing the know is - flog it HARDER! This blind faith in flogging as the solution to all business ills means that they never ask the right questions at the start. Why do people send cards? Who do they send them to? What common characteristics do successful cards/card occasions have? Then start thinking of gaps in the market. They were in bloody card shops at the start - why didn't they pick the brains of the people who worked there? With some proper analysis upfront the sales pitch would have practically written itself. Gah!

i thought claire's team made a total and utter cunt of the ice-cream task and were jammy sods to win, but hey. what do i know? i'm not a businessman ... and i've just applied for voluntary redundancy, so my money-making skills are 0 :)

surprised that no one here thinks sara has a chance. she's the only one i'd consider working with, the only one who seems normal and smart

i think it's simply that she doesn't conform to the apprentice stereotype, so nobody's got any hopes at all. hell, even she looked surprised not to be given the boot last night.

Nah, she looks surprised all the time.

I think it started when she suddenly got picked on by RedJack, and more so when Kevin went "oh, yes, Sara of course. Good old Jacky, thanks."

For no other reason than not knowing who should be in line for getting booted, Kevin. But there were so many other reasons too...

Marrakesh tonite!

just for once, i'm actually watching this as it happens. and posting snide comments on ILX.

i'd put good money on Team Lee winning this one.

Did Lee McQueen just do an impression of Kriss Akabusi?

"if sir alan said kiss that snake ..."

i think it might depend if his flies were down or not.

xpost: not intentionally. surely.

jenny missing a trick there: using her headscarf to hide her chin.

ok, i'm bored with posting-and-watching already. pah.

You'll never be a liveblogger with that attitude.

good.

lol at morrocan in bootleg Burberry shirt playing world's tiniest violin

meanwhile: deal OF THE YEAR on the juicer there. i can picture AS clapping them heartily on the back already.

aaaarseholes.

o_O jenny: it's not a fucking am-dram audition. you're trying to buy a bit of cow. ridICUlous inFLECtions will NOT help them underSTAND you!

lee's bought nowt but AT LEAST NOBODY'S BROKEN HIS BALLS OR TAKEN VER PISS, RIGHT?

Was really hoping Raif was gonna say "That's too cheap, lemme give you some more" there.

Lee McQueen likes Jews

OH JESUS CHRIST, KOSHER CHICKEN/MOSQUE COMEDY APPROACHES

lee mcqueen LOVES jews. although if i was an old jewish market dude and was being pointed at by LEE McQUEEN i think i might not realise it.

ROFL ROFL ROFL CHICKEN OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

OH MY GOD HE JUST CROSSED HIMSELF TO INDICATE "JEWISH"

Best episode of any TV show ever.

that CANNOT HAVE BEEN FOR REAL. truly, it is the end of times. or summat.

tennis racquet fight! tennis racquet fight! LEE MCcQUEEN IS GONNA SHOVE THIS UP YOUR ARSE!

oh, no, hang on: it's luthinda being reasonable. ach well.

Jenny's SUBTERFUGE

So double firing of Michael and Jenny tonight then?

This is awesome. All my least favourites have been placed in one team and they're fucking up mightily.

"I remember looking at the green clock and thinking 'God, that's green'"

that was it? that display of spectacular dickshittery by jenny and michael was the espionage? the intrigue? THAT WAS IT? oh, this is gonna be a joy. for fuck's sake, if you're going to make a cunt of yourselves, at least do it in style.

lol at luthinda/cactus.

what was that: "bigger than fuck?" oh, i like that. i'm having that.

"juicer! juicer! is vat a juicer OR WOT?"

stick a beat on that: club hit of the summer.

Lee McQueen is a winner

lucinda suits floating about in a hot-air balloon.

raef suits drinking champagne in a scarf, on a lawn, by a moat.

It's my birthday today surralan

Jenny: anti-semite

awesome, a birthday fucking-over.

lol jews

"you're supposed to be here because you're intelligent people ..."

what? they are?

michael: crap at business, crap at being jewish.

This is fantastic.

"boyfriend/girlfriend role-play", eh?

rather him than me.

rather him than her, to be honest.

That was so clearly "fat girl wants to pretend she has attractive boyfriend".

xxp

oh, jenny tries to explain the chicken. this'll be superb ...

... no, sorry, i'm wrong. it's embarrassingly feeble. what an insufferable boot.

Allah.

O MY AN EXCITING PLOT TWIST etc

personality disorders: notoriously difficult to diagnose.

Edinburgh University isn't what it used to be...

it never was.

seriously: i could almost feel sorry for jenny C. there's something badly awry there.

surprised they didn't make more of the cheating thing. it'll be interesting if michael doesn't go: tacit condoning of the tactic; further stereotyping of one of the women?

arguably a little sexist, this, sir A.

but potentially fair, all the same.

"my nickname at work is rottweiler"

only the one they say to your face.

"maybe i should get a boyfriend" ... she just sets herself up for these, doesn't she?

fuck it, let's see what chiles makes of them.

It's early 2000s financial analyst Alvin Hall!

Double-firing next week, people! Who do you reckon? I think Jenny red-head and 'something of the night' Jenny.

-- Dr.C, Thursday, 1 May 2008 09:00 (6 days ago) Bookmark Link

Hey, Dr C was right on the money!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I mean Raef.

-- Dr.C, Thursday, 1 May 2008 09:01 (6 days ago) Bookmark Link

... oh wait...

Right, so one of my 'finalists' and one of my 'no hopers' went this week. (RedHead J was one of my finalists! Man, was I nuts!)

I think she was possibly even stupider than Kevin and a genuinely nasty piece of work with it.

Kevin was so hilariously contrite and humble on the Adrian Chiles show.

Best episode of any TV show ever.
thiiiss. awesome

Jennifer such a nonentity that You're Fired had to show a LEE MCQUEEN showreel

ah they always do that.

Although, this week they had "jen" as supporting act.

Double-firing next week, people! Who do you reckon? I think Jenny red-head and 'something of the night' Jenny.

-- Dr.C, Thursday, 1 May 2008 09:00 (6 days ago) Bookmark Link

Hey, Dr C was right on the money!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I mean Raef.

-- Dr.C, Thursday, 1 May 2008 09:01 (6 days ago) Bookmark Link

... oh wait...

-- Mark G, Wednesday, 7 May 2008 21:41 (Yesterday) Link

No I was correcting my mis-spelling of Raef there. I was right with J and J, although I thought for a minute that Michael might go. Surely next week? I still think Claire will make the final.

Yeah, Claire has turned it round for herself. Less the argumentative, more the 'can't stand back while things go wrong' which is how it's supposed to be.

From now on, less of the 'fuck someone elses chances to make me look good'?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v417/albaalba/ilx/nnyerr.jpg

No, I did not go "Nnyerr".

oh, there'll be loads of "you looked at me in a funny way, so I didn't pursue the issue.."

OMG Jenny C update. Just turned on to the BBC's Breakfast programme and Jenny and Jennifer were on the couch. The interviewer quizzed her about the tennis racquet incident and suggested that she "must have known that was a bit dodgy". Jenny's response:

"No! I thought that was going to be my golden moment. I thought that was going to be the moment when Sir Alan said 'Stop the next four tasks, we don't need them because I've found my next apprentice!'.

Interviewer: "What, because somebody's prepared to cheat?"

Jenny: "No, no, no. When in Rome do as the Romans do. We'd been doing these really nitty gritty negotations and it was a sort of 'Cross my palms with silver' sales environment. I wouldn't do anything like that in the UK!"

This is a word for word transcription (minus the odd "sort of")

I thought, when watching it, that there were racist overtones to their bribery plan, but only Jenny could imagine she could save her reputation by making them explicit.

holy moly! is she a mongo or what

Apart from anything else, she was doing this in a proper 100% legit sports supply shop, for gods sake!

Imagine: Evonne Goolagong: "There's $10000 in it for youse if you string Billie Jean King's raquet with spaghetti mate..."

Yeah, but they're all gypsies, aren't they?

lol Dom "That was so clearly "fat girl wants to pretend she has attractive boyfriend" xxp"

The day Dom reveals himself to be anything approaching good-looking is the day non-Model Of The Year women on ilx give a fuck.

http://headmasterz.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/00-va-big_mike-this_is_why_im_hot_pt_5-2006-c4.jpg

Ugh - you could do with losing a few pounds, Passantino.

Managed to blinker myself from all media today as I missed this last night. Totally brilliant episode. Michael is a piece of toot who seems to be more and more insincere with each monotonous word he snivels out.

The most surprising thing about this episode is how on fire Surallan was. Normally he doesn't pick up on or follow through most of the glaring errors in people's justifications or arguments. I'm amazed that he spotted Gingerchin's completely made up argument about the Michael/Jewish thing rather than just going 'i'm fed up of the lot of you, do a risk analysis' or some other random statement.

Ginger Jenny seems to actually delude herself into thinking whatever she says or does has any basis in reality (also evident with the envirocard).

I was very surprised that Michael didn't go, thought SAS was sure to not let him get away with the fellow-Jew toadying (who the FUCK writes "I'm a nice Jewish boy" on their CV? Close to being as terrible as Katie's "I steal husbands" one last year), but no, he fights on. I was sure he would go instead of/as well as Irish Jenny who cannot surely be held accountable for him and Jenny Celery cheating behind her back and not telling anyone about it (though not reading the instructions was all kinds of stupid).

he crossed himself on the way into the boardroom as well, nice Jewish boy that he is. there were SO MANY things wrong with that whole kosher = halal thing that I almost couldn't watch it. I didn't see Helene the whole episode though, I forgot she was there until they were back in the boardroom at the end.

Watching Sr'Alan on Jonathon Ross tonight, he started going on about Irish Jenny leaving the boardroom after being fired, and failed to mention that she couldn't open the door. No-one seems to have noticed this. It was almost like that Big Train sketch.

Irish Jenny was trying to be the hard bitch the whole way through, but actually struck me as someone playing a role, and failing.

haha, had forgotten about Jenny doing a George W Bush on the way out the door, there were so many moments of gold on that episode. SAS seemed exceptionally fucked off at Johnny Vegas stealing his thunder and talking all over him on Jonathan Ross, he really doesn't hide his feelings for people he feels to be disrespecting him terribly well.

And what did alleged rapist Johnny Vegas have to say on the matter?

"Central London is near North London"

Sara RIP, heaven needed someone with hentai eyes.

How the shitting hell did Michael escape again - oh yes it was the super convincing "please give me another chance sirallan please" that everyone seems forced by law to trot out.

I hope Margaret is doing a la Dougal from Father Ted and dictaphoning all Michael's conversations so he can be proved to be the lying twat he is in the boardroom.

I have a horrid feeling Lee is going to make it to the final.

Michael to be shot to ribbons next week?

anyway, word goin roun, this weeks was dull...

Lucinda had got exactly the same voice as Sophie from Peep Show.

Right, after a quick review of my "cursory read-through" of the characters in the newspage linked uptop,

Two of my no-hopers are still there: Michael and Claire. Claire has turned herself around and is no longer the hate figure she was. I believe this to be a first in ApHist. For Michael, it's just a matter of time. His one task as team leader went well, but.

Two of my 'finalist' picks are still there: Lucinda and Alex. Lucinda had a rep of being 'lazy', 'uncontibutory', unmutual, etc, but she, like Raef, has the knack of picking the right people for tasks, letting them make decisions and either backing them or discussing a difference. Alex just seems to be competent in most of what he does, and mostly seems to end up being the star player in a bad team. He hasn't managed a task for a while, though.

(I say 'my picks' but it was only based on the character writeups and you can see from that list who were bing picked as 'working-class heroes' and/or "overconfident berks", and also I don't think my success rate was much better than if they'd been random picks. However, those no-hopers seemed too easy to pick for the most part.)

"the female genre"

Sophocles lives to fight another day!

in pain lolling at the complete shitness of the atishu advert and steve mcqueen's bumbling phleghmy pitch. the atishu box looked like a box of weetabix!

am slowly warming to claire because she's actually not shit at what she does, but still hate her for sabotaging simon's task.

alex is still the #1 useless shifty wanker.

Simon sabotaged his own task.

Lucinda looked devastated on winning! (got over it fairly quickly)

So, who's the 'useless salesperson' that gets fired next week?

Lucinda.

Alex was unbearable when he won despite being shit

if Lucinda gets fired we are left with 4 fairly heinous characters.

Yes. Claire probably now the least bad of all

I still get the feeling Lee is going to exPLODE! in a really bad way, when things go wrong for him, which up to now they haven't...

i'm pretty sure it'll be lucinda to go next week. and, in fairness -- despite turning out to be a surprisingly good project manager the first time round -- she should have gone weeks ago after that fucking embarrassing "o noes, i can't work a computer!" shite.

it was so fucking obvious that raef and michael's advert was going to lose: doesn't something like that (ie team makes ad that DOESN'T MENTION THE PRODUCT) happen every year? that said, i thought the atishu ad might have been fucked as well: surely trading-standards laws would stop you advertising a tissue, anti-bacterial or no, as making it magically fine for a sick kid to go to school?

and, umm, isn't the cold caused by a fucking virus, not bacteria?

In the 'Atishu' ad, the father grabs the kid's nose when he's saying "It's antibacterial, she's be fine". We obviously miss the shot of father wiping snot off his hand with the aid of Atishu.

Kinda thinking Lucinda was pulling the "make a name for yourself in the first few weeks, shut the fuck up for the following six, start doing stuff again in the final few" strategy. Claire/Lucinda final would seem to be "fair".

I would be OK with that. Surely Helene cannot continue to fly so far under the radar that she's all but invisible for very much longer? I keep forgetting she's even there.

I'm pretty sure that next week SAS will say to Helene "haven't heard much from YOU, you're a PM this week!"

GUYS!

It's on tonight.

Moved because of Football.

o thanks for the heads up. what a treat, it's like christmas come early.

haha that Atishu box looked like a packet of biscuits.

Weetabix, I was thinking.

"I eat Kleenex for breakfast, and use soft hygenic antibacterial Weetabix to dry my tears..."

the ad they should have used:

- opens on alex, looking vacant, and lee, doing that absurd snarly thing

voiceover: REAL WANKERS USE ATISHU.

- cut to product shot

that would finish them off...

reminder 2.

ok, that was a trouncing. respect to alex, i guess. and lee. i was astonished that final sale was allowed -- simply because the way it was edited had me convinced they'd do some kind of "ooh, you just missed a £5k sale by mere seconds" thing in the boardroom. that said: they'd have still won so comfortably anyway that it wouldn't have mattered.

none whatsoever to lucinda, whose just-not-getting-it uselessness this week eclipsed any remaining slack i might have been prepared to cut her (because i did think she was rather dumped by the other two -- although let's face it, it's selling cars, not curing cancer). but trying to sell the wrong car = no, look, just fuck off, lucinda. fuck off. that really was the final straw.

i have to say, i did rather hope helene would get the bullet, simply because i think it'd be more entertaining to watch michael sustain a kicking from alan sugar's beardy mates next week. but hey.

michael: "i'm going to go in there and be a wily man." stick an extra l in there somewhere and yeh, i'd agree.

yeah i'd love to have seen michael there for exactly the same reasons. he'd totally piled on the beef for "you're fired!"

he'd also learned a bit about himself, or at least how to conduct himself on telly, for it as well. i was wanting him to continue to be a total spunker, and he was actually relatively OK. though aarrggghhhh at "I love Raef, not in a sexual way" SHUT UP STOP TALKING.

Naah.

By the time of the "fired" show, the evictees are all totally off the hot coals, not trying to hold on by their fingernails etc.

Some clues showing it was his high noon: That bit that showed him worn out right at the beginning... That bit chasing the lost prospect up the street and beyond to the point of the guy now pretending he's not there... Oh so much! SirAlan clearly loved him but chose darkness. Or Helene. Same thing.

Is it 'interview' next week? Missed that bit, had to put kids to bed.

It's funny, they are now allowed to watch the occasional episode, as long as they promise not to repeat some of the 'words' which they faithfully do and never have. This one and the Wedding dress one were the ones they particularly wanted to see, Amber having modelled bridesmaid dresses back in the day, and both deciding they wanted ferarris when they can drive(!)

Oh, yeah, interview week....

Surely Lucinda is lunch next week.

Ruth Badger fancied her something rotten clearly liked her.

This was the first time I liked Michael, mainly due to his car hate.

I think Lucinda could give good interview. The trailer for it shows I AM LEE MCQUEEN doing his pterodactyl noise, so I fear he may be on shaky ground.

yes, i've never found that a particularly effective way to impress interviewers.

That's because YOU ARE NOT LEE MCQUEEN.

I also suspect Alex will give bad interview, and Claire is currently on the cleft stick of whethertotalkaboutherselfallthetimeandnotletanybodyeslegetawordinedgeways or whether to use her new humble persona so I think she could be full of FAIL too.

So that leaves Helene the only one to do well in the interview stakes?

That's not too daft, actually.

YOU ARE NOT LEE MCQUEEN

and thank FUCK for that.

alex: i dunno. i think lucinda and lee are way more likely to fuck shit up, hard, than he is: the former because she'll get indignant at the arsey questions, the latter because he'll try to out-arse them. i doubt claire will be able to maintain her new, calmer persona under extreme interview stress either.

mrs fiendish says there's some rumour doing the rounds that someone walks out -- they miss their girlfriend too much (which would mean, i assume, it's almost certainly lee or alex, although i actually don't have a clue about the sexual preferences of the three girls). that sounds distinctly dubious to me, and the fact nobody's mentioned it here adds to my suspicion.

I think she was very calm yesterday with the whole "they all think I'm no good just because I work in a very large multinational company", and I think that sort of experience could play well in an interview for a very large multinational company.

xpost re: Helene.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Her fatal flaw was that she didn't work for Siralan's very large multinational company.

The expectation is for Lee to shoot himself in the head next week with the beardy blokes but of course heavily edited &c.

Lucinda was quite useless last night, but I still kind of like her. I identify with her blocks about doing things.

Also, a small thing, but she totally did come up with the raffle idea, only for Alex to present it as his own a second later. It was like that Fast Show sketch.

I identify with her blocks about doing things.

me too.

i think alex and claire for final 2.

the beardy blokes

Plus Special Guest Star Karren Brady

I guess Vicki Butler-Henderson was otherwise engaged.

Can I just say I hate Lee McQueen nearly as much as I hated Paul Tulip from a few seasons back? Thanks.

There was a 'be nice to the candidates' catch up yesterday.

Lucinda, Nick was impressed by.
Clair seems to be the natural winner somehow. Would actually have the backbone to argue against AlSug.
Alex is another 'nice lad' and there's been too many winners like that
Lee? Could join the 'lads club'
Helene? She still there?

Interview week. Helene should be in her elephant. Alex may well get 'burned', as may Clair. Lee might well come to blows over who's the more blokey, him or that friend of alans that doesn't wear ties. Tempting to think Lucinda might fold but she actually would be in her comfort zone here.

Lee and Alex to go? Or would they need one bloke to stay? Lee and Helene, is my guess. Even though Helene may well do well at interview, this being siral's moment to choose whoever he still wants...

All the winner has to do is jump in a puddle and then cry.

and Lucinda's already done both.

tonight!

Did any of you hear the clip they played on the radio of Lee McQueen getting pulled up on his appalling English?

That's What I'm Talking About!

(no)

It was funny and a bit cruel.

now!

I would have walked out of every single one of these interviews so far (I think I said the same last year). Patronising, made-for-TV-not-business fuckers.

Lee McQueen is A LIAR.

"15 Gobshites"

(xxpost) Agreed, that's one thing I have a problem with about The Apprentice, this false idea that business means having to be an unpleasant rude tosser.

WTF?

that was fucking ridiculous. <3 lucinda, who gives a fuck if she presses flowers and lights candles in her spare fucking time.

So far, all that has said to me is that I would rather watch Karren Brady's version of the Apprentice.

Fuck letting people away with lying on their CV.

Aye, also fuck letting Alex away with making Sir Alan privy to a private conversation.

Also, fuck a university that gives out information about your academic record behind your back and without your permission.

Think, against my better judgment, I'm going to have to back Helene now. Though, again, fuck Sir Alan going "oh boo hoo, don't care about her back story" when it was basically the reason behind his GREAT BIG LIES that got him through.

also, what sort of tit does spell-check an application form (and they still let him through the initial screening!) especially when he WORKS IN RECRUITMENT.

doesn't. like i don't proof-read my posts.

Also, fuck a university that gives out information about your academic record behind your back and without your permission.

Really? I thought checking a candidate's history was perfectly acceptable. Do data protection laws really prohibit it?

If so, I have an MBA from Harvard Business School and ... hang on, I don't want a job where you need an MBA from Harvard Business School.

re. universities giving out info, isn't that one of the things you sort of sign up to when going for a job, that they can reference-check you? That you have to be able to provide back-up for your claims of education, that you can produce certification to show your qualifications?

xpost THAT'S WHAT I'M *TALKING* ABOUT!

Also, fuck a university that gives out information about your academic record behind your back and without your permission.

surely if you put dates down about your attendance to a college then there is nothing wrong with checking the validity of that ?
i dont see this is a privacy issue at all - but just fact checking.
i dont believe the college slated him, but just put straight re his time there ?

but yeah - the lie on the cv is bad shit, and the back stabbing in the boardroom (even if he is only 24) ..

oh well, tis only tv.

oops !
xpost obv. too busy watching tv to read the followon posts !

this "comedian" on the Adrian Chiles thing has never had a job ever in his life, has he? Or else is revisioning like hell for the lulz that will never come.

The worst "going behind back" was last year when they phoned up all Simon's tenants for references on him as a landlord. That must surely have contravened something?

Clair for the win, I reckons.

cannot believe the stick that they were giving Claire for being a holiday rep 10 years ago! If I went for a job now, fuck anyone judging me on the fact that I was making coffee in a Little Chef when I left school.

Other thing that annoyed me: interviewers saying "so fuck you Alex, you were a success at 23, I was a success at 22 LOSER". Also, giving Claire a hard time because of the bonus structure in place at her current employers.

This whole thing has angered me beyond all belief, not least because I am looking for a new job just now and am a bit scared that people watch this and think this is the way to conduct business.

I don't think they were really giving her stick. I think they were grasping for interesting vaguely negative things to show about her interviews, because they obviously went rather well.

This link is going to be all TL;DR, but here goes anyway:
http://www.bath.ac.uk/internal/data-protection/golden-rules.htm
^^^ It's from Bath University, not wherever Lee went to, but conditions of the DPA apply to all universities equally.

Particularly this line:

Never reveal personal data to third parties without the consent of the individual concerned or other reasonable justification.

Giving out details about an ex-student to a weasel-faced tossbag on a reality TV show is a long way from "reasonable justification". Oh damn, now I'll never get to work at Viglen...

I would have thought putting it on a job application was reasonable justification for having it investigated, also I would have thought there was some sort of consent given to allowing a potential employer to verify anything you claim implicit in the application process (its probably spelled out in the contract)

Does that really count as personal data? And is verifying their attendance at a claimed almer mater for the purposes of hiring them not reasonable justification? Oh well, I'm only going by common sense and a lifetime of assumptions of how CV-checking works, so I won't argue any further. Still, they could have said to him "Lee McQueen, would you mind if we checked how long you were at this university for?" and it would have had much the same effect.

aargh, I missed an apostrophe out there, I have caught LeeMcQueenitis

(xpost) Well it's likely that the contestants signed a contract that included a clause which gave their consent to Amstrad and affiliated companies to investigate their backgrounds. I imagine it was probably right next to the clause where they waive all repeat fees and royalties resulting from the use of footage filmed for the show blah blah blah. But for a regular job interview, contacting someone's old university without their consent = bang out of order.

Does that really count as personal data?

Yes.

And is verifying their attendance at a claimed almer mater for the purposes of hiring them not reasonable justification?

No.

Still, they could have said to him "Lee McQueen, would you mind if we checked how long you were at this university for?" and it would have had much the same effect.

This would work, because they would be formally asking his consent (unless he already gave consent by signing a contract). They could also have asked to see his degree certificate.

Almer mater

It's catching, oh dear.

But for a regular job interview, contacting someone's old university without their consent = bang out of order.

To be fair, I don't think The Apprentive ever claimed to be mimicking a regular job interview. For a start, I would be pretty pissed off if I went for a job and found myself being broadcast on national TV. Or local TV. Really, no TV. Maybe CCTV.

as I said, if anyone talked to me in an interview like that, i'd walk out. i'd certainly question it. if i was pulling down a six-figure salary and the first question i was asked was to answer why the interviewer's first impression was that i was unemployable, for example...

...and then i was fired on the grounds that my out-of-work interests were a bit flaky...

Plus, the main point of any interview is to find out if *you* want to be employed by *them* as well.

Being interviewed by several people, none of which are involved in the decision or actually going to employ you, is, um, dud.

having said that, I never lied on any of my CVs, I mean, nothing is that shocking really.

(xpost) Actually, that's a good point. Every instance where I've been interviewed for a job by someone who wasn't the hiring manager, (ie, the person who would be my boss,) it's been a total waste of time.

The Apprentive

it *is* catching!

To be fair, I don't think The Apprentive ever claimed to be mimicking a regular job interview.

It isn't, despite what AlSug says about "this is the 12 week job interview from hell". There's an online application form for the 2009 series up already, check it out, potential contestants - which means everyone who completes an application form - signs away basically their fucking life for one pound, and gives the production company the right to check into the potential contestant's background without further consent.

another thing that annoyed me was them talking about Lucinda not being motivated by money and whether that was the sort of attitude that would stop her being the best at her job. if she has personal pride (which I think is one thing she has in spades) then i think what she was getting at was that she would do the best regardless of what was in it for her, which is absolutely not the same as saying she wouldn't try to do her best for the company. being motivated to be good at your job (and thus make money for the company) is something that doesn't need to be something you do just because someone is waving big wodges of cash at you to do it.

I mean, if I was a big boss type i'd fucking LOVE someone who was great at their job and would do it for pride rather than for tons of my cash.

AlSug = 21st Century Taylorism?

Michelle Duberry was on GMTV, apparently the 'recycle TVs and old computers' business was a total failure as they hadn't thought it through and they announced it way too early.

AlSug, no, You're fired!

Great example to pass on to the feral youth of Britain - lie about your qualifications, don't bother about checking your spelling, and you'll still get through to the last four.

Also:
"I was running Birmingham City FC when I was 23."

Alex's reply should have been: "Well I didn't have a sugar daddy porn boss to help me."

Why the hell would Lucinda want to give up a better salary and work as, how and when the fuck she likes and go and burrow away in a crappy prefab office in Brentford?

Finally, Michael McIntyre must be ritually slaughtered and his skin sewn into a bag to aid hunting.

Michael McIntyre Stand up Comedian"Supremely skilled, spontaneously funny stand-up" The Times. "Makes you laugh till your face hurts" The Scotsman. DVD Recording · Hammersmith Apollo ...
www.michaelmcintyre.co.uk/ - 9k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

Someone should tell that bloke that was on "Yr Fired" his name's already been taken by someone funny, apparently.

NEXT YEAR, MARK E SMITH IS DOING THE SHOW! PRIZE IS BEING THE BASS PLAYER IN THE FALL! etc.

And she wasn't running Birmingham City anyway, she was managing director.

TOTALLY FIRED!

Cue inevitable "You're fired-uh"

"Do you do what you did last year? Yeah? Well, don’t make a career out of it.... YOU'RE FIRED!"

Either that or Paul Anka does it next year and every week he slices up the losing contestant like a fucking hammer.

The runner-up in this year's final of BBC show The Apprentice will be offered a council job in Essex.

Essex County Council said it had promised to create a position to "challenge the perception of working for a local authority".

It said it would be a boost for the county where Sir Alan Sugar's firm Amstrad - at which the four finalists are competing to work - is also based.

The final episode of the programme is on BBC One on Wednesday night.

Claire Young, Lee McQueen, Helene Speight and Alex Wotherspoon have all made it to the final of the series.

'Best and brightest'

The council said the exact job description remained flexible as it will be based on the strengths of the runner-up.

Watched that "why I fired them" thing last night, which gave absolutely no new insight whatsoever. Sir Alan saw Sophocles as a young version of himself, thought Lucinda was bit wacky, thought Simon was a grafter but not a businessman, blah blah, can I have my hour back please?

Lucinda strikes me as the kind of person who would actively be harmed by winning The Apprentice, anyway, as it'd lock them into a year's work they don't really need. See also: The Badger, Paul Torrisi.

To "challenge the perception of working for a local authority".

What perception was this? That local authorities have responsible recruitment policies?

Hey you guys, have you seen the lego apprentice?

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=qglsrwrLJuk

(all genius)

Claire>Alex>Helene>Lee McQueen

"I'm 24 years old"
"I'm 24 years old"
"I'm 24 years old"
"I'm 24 years old"
"I'm 24 years old"
.....

Helene described Lee McQueen as insecure. Worst judge of character ever?

It's very difficult to see how anyone other that Claire could win this now. Unless her team loses.

Oh Kevin.

Helene and Alex totally lost and all at sea...

Inside the fevered imagination of Lee McQueen, oh my.

People running around with glo-sticks!

The Dual bottle looks like a stapler.

But Nick is buoyed, so what do I know?

My feeling is that the bottle/stapler/holepunch gizmo is a brief flash in an otherwise curry scented failure-fest.

Lee McQueen should be directing porn.

(with glowsticks)

Best argument ever!

lol at Helene and Alex trying to out-psychoanalyse each other "your body language is defensive" oh FFS...

"It isn't cheesy at all, it's very classy"

lol at Lee's imaginary target customer having a name he can't pronounce. There are MILLIONS of names, why chose Wyan?

"He's the modern man - he's a 27-year-old sales professional"

Glow-juggling!

Roulette is all a bit http://images.boardgamegeek.com/images/pic123519_md.jpg

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51WVD43CKSL._SL500_AA280_.jpg

The Dual bottle is a Blue Monday sleeve for our times.

it all looked so classy until they brought on the fat go-go dancer and the dudes that couldn't afford a ticket for Glasto this year.

"Roulette = gambling = debt = misery"

Way to bring us down, Nick.

I can't find it, but I'm sure that someone's used the dual bottle idea for some brand of toilet cleaner.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/81/ToiletDuck200706251755.jpg/180px-ToiletDuck200706251755.jpg

Well that's Alex and Helene sunk - not keeping an eye on the costs = lose.

The internet is still notoriously weak at providing comprehensive toilet cleaner technology archives.

That wasn't really a proper task then.

(xpost) something that will be a disadvantage to Alex in his future career as a lavatory attendant...

Boo.

note to self: lie on my next CV.

WTF NO!!!! NO NO NO

This is ridiculous.

Claire can walk straight into a job with Essex County Council!

NO NO NO HE IS A BULLY AND HE MADE THE GIRLS CRY AND HE LIED ON HIS CV.

WHAT

Srsly, nest series (if there is one) why would you want to apply when the decisions were all made in about week 3?

Well it explains a lot about the quality of Amstrad products over the years.

Alex has that "trying to grow a beard but can't quite get all the stubble to join up" look. But then HE'S ONLY 24!!!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=21444214918

It's nice to see Helene smiling.

^^^ that was quiet compared to us shouting at the telly, we have just about calmed down now.

Now I've seen the large size version of the Dual bottle, I know what it reminds me of:
http://www.sodastream.co.uk/gbretail/images/catalog/drinksmakers.jpg
S0dastream!!!

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Helene still full of shit and denial

Lucinda surprisingly angry still!

I would be fucking furious. Helene will just not admit that she's wrong, even after a hardsonning from Cobra beer guy.

why does everyone fancy Alex?

Because he's 24?

Is he really?

Oh FFS Alex just admit that you were wrong!!! x 1000 applied to all Apprentice candidates past present and future

I can't even watch this, I hate them so much. I am watching BB instead.

Some of them might be 24 YEARS OLD too.

An awful decision.

Not as bad as last year I guess, but still...

Oh just wait until the next show with Lee McQueen! yes! that's what I'm TALKING about!

I can't handle that much excitement all in one go

C'MON!

And the Lottery is on now OMG OMG OMG111one I hoep I win

I want it more, so I should win it!

Wait! I didn't even buy a ticket! I LIED! But I should still win anyway.

Was that Scott Mills? He looks ill. Or desperate. Or possibly in dire need of a dump. Or possibly all three.

He's only 24 YEARS OLD as well, I think.

Take it Claire has found employment keeping toilet rolls covered in old ladies' bathrooms? Worst dress ever.

God, Lee is a cock.

victoria wood very good on you're fired.

was she, arse.

Are you disagreeing or upset you missed it?

She should have had a piano there and sung comedy songs about the contestants: "Oh Alex, have you even grown a beard before? But then you are only 24"

i saw it. victoria wood was rub, although i love her usually.

lee is a nob but will probably do very well at *snigger* amstrad.

^^^ Just as long as Lee can remember how many alans Sir Sugar Sugar likes in his tea...

Good morning.

I thought I'd care.

But I dont!

Mad.

Clair in "fortunate to have come second, now can get lucrative media career without having to go to Amstrad/whatever, do the minimum until business idea fils cause it was rotten in the first place no blame on her and resign/quit then do the jngle show as business consultant/contestant" um, mice.

(mice?)

LMcQ could've gotten away with the date discrepancy on his CV so much smoother by saying that the 4 months he was there were the end of the one year and the start of the next, hence the two years listed on the CV (cv did clearly state that he did not finish).

but yes, what Mark G said about amstrad job being poisoned chalice.

Out of the whole series, I only watched the interview episode, the final, and last night's You're Fired:

- Lucinda is awful! (I've actually chopped a new fringe into my hair after my nephew told me my hair was a bit like hers last week.)

- Not really understanding why people were being so tough on Helene on You're Fired. She was moany on the final task but then she was super-insecure and paranoid that Alex was trying to sideline/manage her (which he was). Was she a real shit in other episodes?

- And wasn't she taking the piss (or maybe the 'psss') when she suggested 'Girth'?

I think so. "Big" was greeted with silence (and perhaps was half put out there as a kind of pointer than a finished article) so she wanted to lift the awkwardness with a more explicitly unserious suggestion along the same lines.

Helene wasn't too bad, I didn't think, but when she got herself into a corner she tended to kick hard and make things too personal.

I think Helene's problem was that she flew so far under the radar than no-one actually knew what she was there for, so her interview (where she swore way more than I ever would in an interview, called her fellow contestants gobshites and blubbed on about her terribly hard upbringing) was all she had to go on. Which is kind of weird, because it was "oh poor me" that got Michelle Dewberry the job, so I don't get why it washed so badly when coming from Helene. Apart from the swearing, I didn't feel she interviewed too badly, and I certainly don't get the impression she would benefit from flogging advertising on the London Underground under the direction of SurAlan.

bringing back the other candidates was kind of a wasted opportunity, or a waste of time, depending on whether you want good telly or an actual task. hardly any of them were given any air-time at all (except Kevin, god bless him, who came across like a simpleton the whole time he was on air) - I'd actually forgotten ginger Jenny was there until she appeared in the boardroom at the end.

Alba - that's what I thought but then nobody else laughed and Chiles talked through that whole item as if Girth was a serious suggestion. It seemed odd.

And I agree - her interview was too personal, too sweary, and too concerned with putting other people down. I'd still have taken her over Lee though, no hesitation.

Yeah, I thought whichever team had Raef would win the perfume task. By the end, I didn't know if he was or wasn't on the winning team...

The "girth".. it's brainstorming, and it's supposed to be stupid, and it's supposed to not get called out (at the time), because it might kick into something good.

Lee did this 'stupid suggestion' thing all the way through, which is fair enough. But does look dumb in replay.

I suppose Lee is much more apprentice-ish than Helene. Enthusiastic, mouldable etc. He's an apprentice for a job at a much lower level though.

I like Helene lost all the goodwill from other contestants when she denied in the boardroom scheming to remove Irish Jenny when accused of it by Lucinda - this was the week Irish Jenny went back and asked everyone "I'm not an ice queen, am I?" to tumbleweed. She was also in charge of the backroom in the photography task and failed to take responsibility for nothing coming out of there, I actually felt she was lucky not to go that week.

Clair in "fortunate to have come second, now can get lucrative media career without having to go to Amstrad/whatever, do the minimum until business idea fils cause it was rotten in the first place no blame on her and resign/quit then do the jngle show as business consultant/contestant" um, mice.

She's got to go and work for that council, hasn't she?

I like Helene lost all the goodwill from other contestants when she denied in the boardroom scheming to remove Irish Jenny when accused of it by Lucinda - this was the week Irish Jenny went back and asked everyone "I'm not an ice queen, am I?" to tumbleweed.

Was that the "snake" thing or something else? If the former, I completely disagreee. I thought everyone was shifting in their chairs thinking "You shouldn't have said that, Lucinda" after that.

everyone. In the boardroom, on this thread, in TVland, etc...

I remember Helene being horrible one week (also she was mean to lovely Lucinda), but I don't understand how she was being edited - did she really do nothing except a couple of glimpses of horrible? the others had glimpses of nastiness (or displays of outright nastiness in a couple of cases) but were also portrayed in a good light when things went right, or a comedy light when they didn't (hi dere Kevin & Michael), but Helene was all nothing nothing nothing, meanness, nothing nothing, bit more meanness, nothing nothing, sweary interview, not taking well to Alex being a cock, fired.

And I agree Lucinda shouldn't have said that in the boardroom that week - I wonder if that was the motivation for Alex grassing her up for her introspective moments during the interviews?

Actually, scrub that, Alex wouldn't remember that far back.

Claire was suitably apprentice-ish too, though, but Sir Alan seemed to just boil her down to 'well I can't work with *her*' even though he'd been banging on about the importance of getting on with colleagues.

IF Helene was a schemer that would put me right off her.

Also puzzling: her 'highlights' on You're Fired was a montage of her smiling/laughing/being in a hot air balloon. Can't remember there being nice comments from colleagues like their were in Alex's.

Or even any shots of her doing something businessy.

Alex blessim, blew a gasket because he really wanted the job more than anyone, and Lucinda's "oh I don't want to do this, or do I? yeah I do, um" prevarication was stroking his fur the wrong way.

But, wanting the job more than anyone else is actually not enough.

The best candidate for any job could well be the one that would go "Oh, didn't get it, never mind, I'll get another job/interview booked next week", i.e. in demand.

Claire was suitably apprentice-ish too, though, but Sir Alan seemed to just boil her down to 'well I can't work with *her*' even though he'd been banging on about the importance of getting on with colleagues.

Aye, the refusal to acknowledge that Claire had found her business head and stuck it on firmly since the criticism the week of the Simon-led photography task as puzzling. Sure she might be a gobshite (cheers Helene!) outside of work, but she reined it right in when it was required (i.e. in work). It was akin to that dobber in the interviews claiming that no-one could take Lucinda seriously because she presses flowers in her spare time. WTF does it matter what they're like outside of work if it doesn't impact on what they are like when they are IN work. I actually kind of warmed to Claire over the weeks, mostly because of that very thing - she showed that she'd listened and had turned herself into the kind of person you could tolerate working with rather than want to stab with your letter-opener.

So, Sug fired Lucinda and Clair (effectively) because *he* didn't feel like he could work with them.

Which is *his* failing, surely.

Like he's going to be in the same office as them!

Ailsa otm. As soon as Claire and Lee started on that task it was so obvious she'd learnt a million lessons and she was just breezily getting on with it (it helped that they latched on to an idea that they could both get giddy about and run with). If they were going on that task alone, it should have been hers.

Pretty much, yes. I wouldn't want to work with someone who spouted motivational catchphrases and lied to get a job, but there you go. No wonder I'm unemployed and SirAlan rules the universe or whatever he does that's so unique. xpost to Mark

Zoe, don't forget that the only reason he got through the presentation was because she helped him through it. She came across as very kind and patient at that stage as well, which is roughly when I turned to the other half and said "Lee's going to win this now"

Oh bugger. Bullshitters always win. (Haha, I am also currently unemployed. Perhaps should lie on my cv etc etc)

ailsa OTM. Lee's speech was apparently 100% better than the last one. i'm surprised they could tell since he said about 20 words and ended on "now he wants to smell like a man too"... uh.

it was quite clear that claire took over from that point and that her Q&A session was shortened in the editing to make it seem like she didn't actually do very much.

whereas, with lee, we actually did see pretty much everything he did at the pitch in those 20 words.

Sir Alan did say in his summing up in the boardroom that she handled the Q&A session excellently, which certainly didn't come across from what she said (though the "clever" editing in of the questioner nodding interestedly after about three words of her reply to the question about the connotations of a gambling-related product was evidently meant to make us realise that). I'm not sure why they didn't make more of the James Bond thing, tbh, I would have thought that the inherent sexiness of the last gambling-related Bond film would have been a much better tack to take, but what do I know, eh?

Also Nick's "gambling = debt = misery" totally missed the point, even after what Claire had said about it not being about gambling so much as being a man doing manly sexy things.

"online bingo = debt = misery".

It was only after what Claire said on the show.

The adpitch was all about the "let's attract the online bingoers to this fragrance", which was weird, as who feels the need to smell nice in front of a PC screen?

Anyone?

I wouldn't dream of starting a game of online bingo without applying a bit of Girth.

also, i wasn't at all sure what "dual use" this Dual bottle had apart from the other half being some sort of ornament/holder.

you could (internally) pour some frag from the big bottle into the small bottle, then take the small bottle to your sales meeting.

So the Paul Weller lookylikey won.

The moral?

The bully wins.

The liar wins.

The cheat wins.

What a great and inspiring message to convey to impressionable young viewers. Don't bother learning to spell; look where it gets you.

Or was this a sort of Closet Socialist Sugar Trojan Horse exercise?

the bully/liar/cheat wins the dumb job.

Everyone else looks good and gets high paid jobs in client facing endeavours.

Well this is what I was thinking but I fear any subversive intent will float right over the heads of today's "feral youth."

What a great and inspiring message to convey to impressionable young viewers.

I got quite cross about this last night - and again this morning, to the amusement of my co-workers. (Who did essentailly agree, but I was going off on one by then...)

After this Apprentice debacle, whoever wins Big Brother will almost look as though they deserve it.

Bets on Alexandra pay out at 125 to 1 at the moment.

I actually kind of warmed to Claire over the weeks, mostly because of that very thing - she showed that she'd listened and had turned herself into the kind of person you could tolerate working with rather than want to stab with your letter-opener

yeees ... probably ... i guess i felt claire was the one i'd hate working with least, so i suppose that's the same kind of thing.

i watched this in an AUTHENTIC STUDENT FLAT, which was ace: i'd forgotten the sheer joy of six or seven people all shouting at the TV, then each other. but the silence that fell when lee got the job! if i cared, i'd be shocked. i honestly thought it was all over after the interview task: when the street-smart swagger stopped, revealing a slightly desperate 30-year-old who can't spell.

however: as mrs fiendish reminds me ... don't they have that working-for-sir-alan-for-six-months thing, too? i'm sure there was chatter about this last year: the final two fuck off and toil for six months, and the final decision is based largely on that (which, if true, is utterly disingenuous and makes a mockery of the entire programme; but would certainly make sense on a running-a-proper-company level).

my cousin-who-used-to-be-a-junior-producer-on-you're-fired has swapped the london meeja rat-race for a life of drinking beer in bradford, so she'll be no fucking use either. arse.

the other thing, though: i think the indignation about lee's CV is somewhat laughable. i mean: as lies go, that's so feeble as to be completely excusable. this lot can suck one, for a start.

For my part, I would be extremely reluctant to employ someone who had thrown their commanding officer off a ship (Bannantyne).

I thought for a moment that "Lee - you're hired" was a double bluff and was going to lead to his having second thoughts and standing down, Katie-style, but it was not to be.

The problem with Lee is he just reminds me of the kind of guy who'd be your team leader when you were doing a summer job at a call centre, all fake chumminess and "ideas for morale" serving as a thin veneer for a core of barely concealed resentment at the very idea of you.

hmm: i think maybe a thin veneer for a core of crippling insecurity and self-loathing that might occasionally manifest itself as resentment.

or something.

either way: i wouldn't buy a futuristic hover-style digital advertisement display from him.

He'll end up leaving Amstrad after a year like they all do. Actually, what's Simon up to now?

Ambrose is now working at Amsprop and is also training as a surveyor. He will be in charge of developing a hotel and golf course near Stansted Airport and it is reported that he and Sir Alan are planning on building London's most expensive office and may bid for a prime site on London's St. James's Square.[6]

As of March 2008, Ambrose has reportedly "been working diligently on a property website that allows buyers to speed up legal obstacles".[7]

squattersrights.com

It was more the inability to use a spellchecker and get someone to proofread it for him (and the fact that he even got through the first sift of applications based on it) that threw me, tbh, but the lying was so pointless!

xpost

he and Sir Alan are planning on building London's most expensive office

i've got a small, glorious image of the two of them in hard hats, squabbling about the best way to mix cement. and wolf-whistling at ruth badger.

I was thinking more that episode of Family Guy.

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Two friends building a house together"