MOST INEXPLICABLE CASTING CHOICE FOR THE LIVE-ACTION G.I. JOE MOVIE

Joseph Gordon-Levitt ... Cobra Commander

UH

one step closer to my Dogme '95 My Little Pony film becoming a reality!

ALWAYS VOTE WAYANS RULE INVOKED

is cobra commander going to wear that mask or the helmet?

The ALWAYS VOTE WAYANS rule is facing some really stiff competition from Cobra Commander.

Also it's not like it's Shawn Wayans!

Christopher Eccleston ... Destro
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje ... Heavy Duty

I think these 2 are great!

http://home-1.worldonline.nl/~hcdeboer/images/shay&joe.jpg
COBRALALALALALALALALALA

Jonathan Pryce ... U.S. President

Last time I checked, Pryce was a Brit, so it's not like he's the most obvious choice.

This movie is an ORIGIN STORY.

Which characters are we most disappointed are left out? GUNG HO and SERPENTOR for me.

What was the Indian's name that came with the EAGLE?

the joseph gordon-leavitt choice is at least somewhat explicable in that he's not a terrible actor, something that one would hopefully consider when casting any movie. thus i went WAYANS

lol ilxors forgive a lot when titties are invovled (HI DERE SIENNA MILLER)

not sure this thread merited an all-caps thread title, btw

???

If this thread doesn't merit all-caps, no thread does!

http://msnbcmedia3.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/061102/061102_eko_new_vertical.widec.jpg
WHO WANTS A BODY MASSAGE?

i hope they include sgt. slaughter somehow

apparently, this chick will be Scarlett:

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/8212/scarlettvu0.jpg

cobra commander had a ponytail in the comic book iirc which is wtf enough without contemplating that they cast someone cause his hair is long enough for a ponytail.

nickalicious FTW, i need to back and re-watch all those PSAs

I don't really know any of these actors besides Marlon Wayans and Christopher Eccleston... Are the really all that bad?

cobra commander had a ponytail in the comic book iirc

Wasn't that his son? They never even showed CC's face for the time I read the comic.

Holy shit, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun? I always though Cobra Commander was supposed to be like in his 40s. He had an adult son in the comic.

I mean, maybe this guy is a good actor, but he'd be much better choice for the role of CC's son... If I remember correctly, he was this sort rockist rebel type of dude, he even rebelled against his dad and COBRA, and joined the good guys.

Eccleston!! <3

It's Wayans vs Sienna Miller.

no way the movie can live up to these though

http://youtube.com/watch?v=GJ-ckU_D1fg
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cO8lHGXWMzo

cobra commander had a ponytail in the comic book iirc which is wtf enough without contemplating that they cast someone cause his hair is long enough for a ponytail.

uhhh...

http://weblogs.variety.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/03/21/joseph_2.jpg

g.i. joe babies!

i hope it still has supergay showtunes theme song opener

The only criteria for playing Cobra Commander is coming up with a sufficiently cool vocie.

I'm hoping for Emile Hirsch as Sgt. Slaughter

YO JOE! OMG I forgot that.

http://www.accesshollywood.com/article/8868/g-i-joe-live-action-movie-details-revealed/

By Jesse Spero

LOS ANGELES, Calif. --

Hot on the heels of the success of "Transformers," Paramount is bringing yet another 1980's toy to the big screen, but instead of otherworldly shape-shifting robots, get ready for a real American hero!

"G.I Joe" is currently in production and set for a summer 2009 release, but fans are already getting a sneak peak at some of the action.

Paramount has released two photos of the fan-favorite character Snake Eyes, played by Ray Park, of Darth Maul "Star Wars" fame. Snake Eyes holds an impressive title according to "G.I. Joe" director Stephen Sommers.

"He's the world's greatest ninja, but he's also next-generation. He's not afraid to use a sword one second, and a split-second later he's pulling out his Glock," Sommers told USA Today. "His chief nemesis is arguably the world's other great ninja, Storm Shadow. The two grew up together, were blood brothers and now are mortal enemies."

Access Hollywood caught up with Channing Tatum while promoting the Iraq war drama "Stop-Loss." Channing, who plays G.I. Joe's leader, Duke, admitted he was apprehensive about stepping into another war film, but says "G.I. Joe" is not your typical combat filled movie.

"'G.I. Joe' is now a war film," Channing told Access. "I was afraid it was going to be a real war film, and actually it's nothing like that-- it's 'X-Men' with 'Mission Impossible.'"

As for "G.I. Joe" sticking with its comic book and cartoon roots, Channing couldn't agree more, saying, it’s a comic book "to the tenth degree."

(CLICK HERE to see the cast of 'G.I Joe')

Channing's co-stars, Dennis Quaid and Sienna Miller, are also pumped to dive into this summer blockbuster.

"'G.I. Joe" goes back to when I was a kid, and I thought it would be a lot of fun to be a part of this," Dennis Quaid, who will play Commander Hawk, told Access. "It's a huge popcorn action movie, and a little bit of a cartoon in a sense. The way it's going to be done… it's going to be really exciting."

Access wasn't only talking to the good guys. Sienna Miller, who will portray the diabolical lady of Cobra, The Baroness, revealed the lengths she's going to in order to nail her iconic character.

"[The film] requires a lot of physical training," Sienna told Access. "I have a black wig, guns, and leather… it's all very fantastic!"

Sienna admitted to Access that getting the part of the Baroness down took hard work, even a little homework.

"I've got a rubber gun at home that looks so real. I'm learning how to spin it. I've had it in my car while driving, and I'm terrified I might be pulled over because it looks like a proper gun," Sienna added.

(CLICK HERE to see Dennis Quaid & Sienna Miller talk "G.I. Joe.")

Rounding out the all-American heroes cast is Rachel Nichols from "Alias," playing Scarlett (cross-bow included), Marlon Wayans as paratrooper Ripcord, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje from "Lost," as Heavy Duty, and Said Taghmaoui of "Vantage Point" fame as Breaker.

On the Cobra side of the fight, Byung-Hun Lee will play Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes ninja nemesis, Arnold Vosloo from "The Mummy" will play the chameleon-like Zartan, Christopher Eccleston will play the evil chromed-domed Destro, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt from "Stop-Loss" has been cast as the leader of the evil Corba army, Cobra Commander.

The film is reportedly an origins story. It could explain why Destro has a chromed head and why Snake Eyes doesn't speak, among other outlandish details of "G.I. Joe" that the cartoon never explained.

"For people who know nothing about it, it'll make sense," Sommers told USA Today. "And to people who love this stuff, it'll show where they all came from."

As for the famous "G.I. Joe" catch phrase --"Now I know, and knowing is half the battle" — which was used in the PSA's that followed the 1980's cartoons, popping up in the 2009 film, a rep from Paramount told Access, "You’ll have to wait and see!"

ha those old PSA's are actually funnier on their own than the re-edited versions

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KXCD5BQiM4";>DON'T HIDE IN A FRIDGE</A>

DON'T HIDE IN A FRIDGE

DON'T TALK TO STRANGE DOGS

and of course it just isn't the 80's without

DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS

okay, why with the 'don't hide in the fridge?' ? There was a Punky Brewster about that, too ... was this, like, an endemic cause of kiddy-death in the mid '80s? Kids getting stuck in kitchen appliances? I do not understand.

lol @ runaway kid's cap

DON'T RUN AWAY FROM HOME

ok this is weird

i dunno, marlon wayans was the best part of norbit

lol roz keeping apprised of jgl's hair situation

tuomas i only read gi joe in the late 80's cc's son was a young teen at the time. they showed cc with a ponytail when he went on the lam with destro but it could have been part of his disguise. they had an origin story where he basically created a multilevel marketing co. that became cobra and i think he had a ponytail at some point in the retelling but i'm fuzzy on that

in the animated movie didn't they reveal him as a member of Cobra-La or whatever the ancient society of snake people was called

Wasn't Cobra based on Amway essentially?

akinnuoye-agbaje is a legend. adebisi is one of the greatest tv characters of all time.

COBRALALALALALALALALALA

You misremember your GI Joe, nickalicious! Cobra Commander never ululated, that was all that creepy genetic amalgamation Serpentor.

Goddddd, those GI Joe PSA re-edits bring back such great memories of fucking around at work in the '04. It's all about the one with the dog and the guy going "Help computer," and all that.

okay, why with the 'don't hide in the fridge?' ? There was a Punky Brewster about that, too ... was this, like, an endemic cause of kiddy-death in the mid '80s? Kids getting stuck in kitchen appliances? I do not understand.

Jonathan Pryce ... U.S. President

for so many reasons

was rachel nichols the babysitter in the amityville remake?

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

http://l.yimg.com/img.movies.yahoo.com/ymv/us/img/flickr/25/75/002478272575.jpg

I'll probably see it just to see how Eccleston pulls it off

Gonna be even goofier with the mask! I can't wait.

Jesus good fuck what.

so he's not gonna be silver-domed?

omg

pretty excited to see this d/l a countdown clock for my iphone. wonder what kind of action figures ppl my age will dream up movies for when were in our 30s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ohFLSFGr5I&feature=related

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41702

Advance reviews! There are massive spoilers here that I have skipped over but I lolled at this opening in the second review:

Like most people my age, I am 33

I have no idea how Cobra Commander won this poll -- he has no face! For all we know Gordon-Levitt's head will only be seen in some kind of "young Cobra Commander and why he wears a mask" backstory and from then on he'll just be a good actor shrieking from behind a metal faceplate.

I am more disturbed by the casting of a skinny guy as Destro, cause in my memory Destro was big and had a head that looked more like Michael Clarke Duncan's.

Also I can't remember this character's name and maybe I'm just missing him on the full cast list, but it would appear that there is none of that campy piratical Cobra dude who (in my memory) sounded like half Australian and half Cockney and said "bleedin'" all the time.

colonel bludd

MAJOR Bludd

That dude ruled

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r117/robster001/Majorbludd.gif

I feel like he was sort of the Boba Fett of G.I. Joe

umm I mean apart from Cobra Commander's facemask

Destro also wore a pimp ass medallion that hung down in his man cleavage.
many xposts

JGL might be ok imo, i mean isn't cobra commander a sneering howling sissy?

nabs i really hate that i am going to engage in this discussion but snake eyes is clearly the boba fett of g.i. joe

as someone who truly, sincerely loved 80s gi joe to the exclusion of transformers, ninja turtles, or any of that bullshit, i am both terrified and obligated to see this movie.

Snake Eyes is Spock -- you can tell because they both got trapped in contaminated rooms behind glass doors and "died"

haha I dunno, I guess the Bludd/Fett connection would be that they're both mercenaries who work for the bad guys but seem kinda cool either way. except Bludd talks too much and isn't that bright, whereas Fett is a cool customer

btw this conversation somehow just led to my editing a Wikipedia page about Snidely Whiplash -- wtf has happened to my life

lol post that on fmylife.com

wasn't there an Aussie GI Joe guy...? mustache, hat with the brim bent on one side...? driving me crazy that I can't remember this lolz

Recondo, I think

NB looking over the character list, I feel like you could very easily assemble a Village People / G.I. Joe crossover franchise:

http://www.joeheadquarters.com/charpics/gungho.jpg
http://www.joeheadquarters.com/charpics/shipwreck.jpg
http://www.joeheadquarters.com/charpics/spirit.jpg

my first thought was this guy but i don't think he was supposed to be an aussie:

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/gijoe/images/thumb/a/af/Recondo_RAH.jpg/250px-Recondo_RAH.jpg

Recondo
Personal information

File Name
Daniel M. LeClaire

Gender
Male

Birthplace
Wheaton, Wisconsin

my brain has just called up the fact that lady jaye went to bryn mawr

Recondo first appears in Battle Action Force as an Australian who is recruited along Flash and Ripcord in Action Force (G.I. Joe's British name) under the command of Duke.

but I think that's talking about comic books

^^ Hugh Jackman cameo

whoa recondo origin story multiverse controversy!

they loved the thing where the g.i. joe temperature/climate specialty guys grew up in like the opposite climate of the one they specialized in.

Recondo? Isn't that just Wild Bill with his sunglasses off? And a stitch to hold up one side of his brim?

Buncha crap, that Recondo.

he looks a little like wild bill but come on recondo is a dude.

Destro was bigger than any of the other figures - I remember him not fitting into the Cobra helicopter without the blade hitting his head.

I also loved GI Joe and never gave a shit about Transformers, He-Man, Ninja Turtles or anything else except Star Wars but I have absolutely no interest in ever seeing this even though I probably will at some point.

This film is going to be great.

Cosign. This will be the greatest film ever.

Is no one excited by this?

I can neither confirm nor deny that.

why does everyone who posts here like garbage? this is a gi joe movie. it will be crap. duh.

What will make it crap? Bad acting? Bad effects? Bad plot? Why is the subject matter automatically cause for scorn?

because it's based on toys.

zing!

The first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie was based on a theme-park ride and that turned out pretty well!

the best thing about this movie will be the Armond White review

lol no it didn't
xpost

xp Ohmigod I am so eager for that now.

Pirates of the Caribbean was more of a branding thing, its not like the ride invented pirates. Pirate stories/movies are great and there is a long history of them.

like, the film Pirates of the Caribbean could exist completely independently of the ride - apart from a handful of throwaway visual gags, it doesn't rely on the ride to provide any characters, narrative, etc. You can't say the same of stuff like Transformers or GI Joe or Care Bears or whatever, which exist exclusively as specific products.

I plan on getting drunk & seeing this & Transformers 2 on the same day as some sort of masochistic mourning ritual celebrating the further exploitation of already-exploitative elements of my childhood.

RIP

my expectations being so low that I will consider it worth the price of admission if they can just do a halfway decent job w/ Snake Eyes (& for the explosions as well, naturally).

I'm not very religious but a sobering bible quote seems in order for some of you:

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

1 Corinthians 13:11

What's next, a movie based on Popples?

this is what's next

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLnoLmCqT30

you know what else is based on toys, is the song "Get Back Home" from Cabbage Patch Dreams, and that is a sweet song if you ask me

Actually, I blew most of my GI Joe dudes up with firecrackers before I had a chance to become a man and put them away.

well the sensible thing to do is re-buy them and put them away. then you'll truly be a man!

buy them from e-bay though, the greedy toy companies DO NOT deserve your money

;-)

actually a laser tag movie would be sweet.

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

1 Corinthians 13:11"

I hate these cynical nostalgia merchants as much as anyone, but if a pyrotechnic GI Joe movie somehow leads to more secularism, yooooo JOE!

thing is, judging by the ads, this film has approximately nothing at all to do with G.I. Joe

Hey, sometimes religion has nuggets of wisdom in it.

I like to call it "wisdumb".

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things and became an insufferable blowhard who pretended to be interested in the maintenance of my lawn.

1 Corinthians 13:11

I'm looking forward to the hilarious backstory/explanation they come up with for Destro's solid-metal head encasement & how it might be advantageous, or even practical, in times of battle.

thing is, judging by the ads, this film has approximately nothing at all to do with G.I. Joe

?

maybe I'm seeing the wrong TV ads, but if they didn't say "G.I. Joe" at the end, I would have no idea whatsoever that they were in any way intended to have anything to do with G.I. Joe. I know they have to update things and make them all fresh and sexy, but the ads look more like refugees from The Fast and the Furious have started up some kind of covert international spy group / leather importing service

"refugees from The Fast and the Furious have started up some kind of covert international spy group / leather importing service"

That does kind of sum up 80s-era GI Joe frankly. They never seemed like any branch of the US military.

Only way I'll see this is if it's in Japanese with no English subtitles. Then I'll leave after the trailers.

they had navy guys and army guys and village people guys...they pretty much had the whole military covered

x-post

I strenuously disagree! For one thing they were still put together as the sort of beefy midcentury types who'd have been chomping on cigars if they hadn't been for children. For another, they had plenty of giant pitched militaristic battles with Cobra! I mean, there was no spy stuff happening during the whole race for all the stuff needed to create Serpentor, it was like red/blue laser crossfire across half the Pacific.

Did their chain of command ever go past Flint? The whole thing smacked of some weird blackwater oceans-11 type operation.

(Also these people in the commercial do not seem to me to have ANYTHING useful to say about fire safety or downed power lines)

i remember aircraft carriers and that sorta thing

http://images.yuku.com/image/pjpeg/fb036f533ba020ffa7bf55eab526b0f8974277ef.jpg

Did their chain of command ever go past Flint?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G.I._Joe_Team#Chain_of_Command

nb by "Flint" you mean "Hawk," who is apparently played by Dennis Quaid in the movie -- a still of him in costume actually reassures me that possibly it's just a matter of ads making this look over-conventional, and possibly the film itself still retains some of the proper flava

damn, g.i. joe had the lamest characters

"quick kick"

Did their chain of command ever go past Flint?

"Arise, Serpentor, Arise!" made the chain of command abundantly clear.

I'm more interested in finding out which mask Joseph Gordon-Levitt wears as Cobra Commander: the sick-sick helmet or the scully thing with eyeholes.

ILXORS AS GI JOE CHARACTERS

wait I just checked the cast list, how did Joseph Gordon-Leavitt go from Cobra Commander to "The Doctor"? And why is that part not being played by Christopher Ecclestone</nerdjoke>?

I dunno Nabisco there are a handful of instantly recognizable characters in the ad/trailer - most notably Stormshadow and Snake Eyes (ie, the white ninja and the black ninja)

Was there ever an episode where conventional US military had direct control over GI JOe? Like did Reagan ever phone up and say "Well, boys, I have a little mess with the contras that could use your expertise"

Had we all realized/remembered who Channing Tatum was when I started this poll, I am certain he would have walked it.

wait I just checked the cast list, how did Joseph Gordon-Leavitt go from Cobra Commander to "The Doctor"?

I think this is supposed to be sort of an origin story (hence "Rise of Cobra"), so maybe Cobra Commander isn't Cobra commander until later in the movie?

I always assumed G.I. Joe was like an independent military branch specifically dedicated to anti-Cobra activity. (Haha so I suppose if this film is about "the rise of Cobra," it might make more sense for them to still be covert and small-time and awaiting the Pentagon funding rampup that comes with increased Cobra threats.)

xpost - Dan that one was the MOST explicable to me -- dude totally looks like Duke!

The G.I. Joe team is composed primarily of US Army personnel but is supplemented by representatives from other branches of the United States Armed Forces, namely the Marine Corps, the Air Force and the Navy. Members are called from the best of their recruits. Each member brings to the team their own specialty.

Dan that one was the MOST explicable to me -- dude totally looks like Duke!

But he's like six years old and has the gravitas of a tarsir. I don't know, maybe I am remembering Duke with way more authority/experience than he actually had...

Looking forward to congressional oversight committee mayhem! Senator Slaughter, you have the floor!

This currently has a 91% FRESH rating on rottentomatoes!(albeit with only 12 non-"Top" reviews...)

"gravitas of a tarpir"??
http://my.execpc.com/~ehannan/tarpir.gif

"but is supplemented by representatives from other branches of the United States Armed Forces"

where is the US Ninja Squad?

yeah I think of basically all the core GI Joe dudes as being way more adult and authoritative than they were possibly going to turn out in this movie -- but I guess if it's a young-Joe origin-story kind of thing, Tatum works okay

btw I am totally in love with Siena Miller in these promos

my primary fear is that this poll will repeat in two years and be won by Vern Troyer as Orco

hahahahaha

lol

Isn't Vern going to be Snarf?

thoughts:

i never watched g.i. joe because im not old and i had parents who loved me ~ dont care about the cartoon or other ppl's yearning for time unfettered by economic malaise and global uncertainty ~ 1985.

pretty sure based upon commercials i have seen that some chick and a gay dude knock over the eiffel tower (sp?) w/ a laser and channing tatum is shirtless itm while dennis quaid or maybe a sobered up randy quaid i cant really tell gives the stuffy brass what for ~~~~ also pretty sure at least sixteen things blow up thats a near perfect explosion to time a chick is in the previews with a shirt on ratio

fuck you, as always, if u disagree

time unfettered by economic malaise and global uncertainty ~ 1985.

megalolz

whoever backed this movie missed out on $$$ of cross-merchandising

http://www.toplessrobot.com/deadbumble.jpg

megalolz

― girlish in the worst sense of that term (Shakey Mo Collier)

for serious. there were never times unfettered by economic malaise and global uncertainty, just times when you were unaware of such things. which is probably what lamp meant in the first place.

I think it's time to start reposting the Fensler PSAs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTehdxIj0ZQ

stop all the downloadin'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42-1Mjj3pcg&feature=related

I still own those G.I. Joe-Transformers comix.

(xxxpost)

This is one of my favorites. The part with the girl is awesome!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIICLDgZFNU&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSMdGCWRLhQ&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4OPr_QxoFg&feature=related

~~~ best one ~~~~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNwxv6TgsuU&feature=PlayList&p=9271A5DF041C6A97&index=25

tbh hi dere i think we need to poll these

down to 36% ROTTEN now...

This was a ridiculous pile of shit, but I gotta say that JGL brought his A-game anyway - he seems to be the only person onscreen having any fun.

Great lol value too - lots of SPLIT-SECOND FLASHBACKS, from Sienna Miller and Channing Tatum rolling about in a sun-dappled paradise to adorable tykes wailing on each other w/ swords.

Dumb and fun. Set your expectations low and smoke out hard. Four of us found it stupid and highly entertaining.

Lots of explosions and battles, lots to laugh at. The worst parts were the Marlon Wayans jokes and the attempt at romantic subplots.

Otherwise, good vs evil superhero army destructo mayhem ridiculous giant city under the polar ice cap lasers bombs nanotechnology destroy eiffel tower and super super super hot Scarlet.

I loved this but I must admit to having been quite purposefully drunk.

Armond weighs in

oh i just know there's gonna be gold in there....

This Eiffel Tower image also recalls the postmodern epigraph that closes Godard’s In Praise of Love : “I will go to my grave with more visions than man has previously ever known.” The trashy secret of G.I. Joe is its ironic capitalizing on the fact that awesome, dread-filled visions don’t necessarily destroy childhood innocence.

ARMOND U NEVER LET ME DOWN

As for acting, operatives Tatum and Wayans look great in their special Accelerator suits

I think this pretty much says it all.

complete list of other films armond cites in this review:

iron man
star trek
harry potter 6 ("and the half-blooded chintz"--good one dude!)
the mummy
transformers 2
wanted
3:10 to yuma
drag me to hell
transporter 3
torque (those last two are "superior pop art")
the laura (sic) croft films
thunderbirds
the hurt locker ("now overrated")
united 93
cloverfield
mars attacks
in praise of love

this was quite entertaining (albeit retarded) until the end

latebloomer OTM, although I'm curious as to what his breaking point was and if it was the same as mine

I really enjoyed this!

It was definitely better than "Transformers 2" and "Terminator Salvation", not that that is particularly difficult to achieve.

Channing Tatum is really not an actor, though.

1. There are three important things to the Baroness: i. catsuit, ii. glasses, iii. accent. The accent, believe it or not, is the most important one.

2. Karolina Kurkova as Cover Girl? META!

3. Rachel Nichols is more stacked than I remembered.

4. Why the eff did they use that stupid baritone voice for Cobra Commander? Even after he put on that stupid mask? No ski mask? No hood?

5. Duke was always the most boring Joe.

6. Too much Stormshadow and Snake Eyes. These guys are supposed to be stealth mofos, but when you have them carrying out tasks better suited for grunts, they lose their cachet.

latebloomer OTM, although I'm curious as to what his breaking point was and if it was the same as mine

*SPOILER*when they made Baroness a mind control victim instead of an unrepentant baddie*SPOILER*

hahaha

I was relatively okay with that, considering the stage they set, but when they had the faceoff with Cobra Commander and CC said "you're taking me in with what army?" and Duke said "THIS ONE" and all the other Joes magically appeared from NOWHERE I was like "okay movie, I have this left testicle I'd like for you to slobber on right... now"

All you can do is laugh. If they made Baroness as hot as Scarlet and cut Marlon Wayans entirely, this would actually be a pretty good film.

er Baroness was about a bazillion times hotter than Scarlet, who I think may have had a goat or a pony somewhere in her ancestry

this turned out to be pretty gay

I'm with Nate, though I didn't find Marlon Wayans to be as horrible as he'd been made out to be.

It's not that Marlon failed to do his job as an actor. It's that he was given such an obvious and obnoxious role.

And I grew up on a goat farm so maybe that's why I found Scarlet so hot?

Marlon often does a good job in movies that don't involve his brother Shawn and he was fine here, but Channing Tatum was so ridiculously awful that he made Marlon come across like Master Thespian.

The third G.I. Joe movie is a prequel and it's called Snake Eyes. Wouldn't Snake Eyes imply it was the second movie?

Snake Eyes is a GI Joe character

Snake Eyes vs Storm Shadow fite!