This is a thread for sad ILXorres of any age

:-(

Underemployed
Underpaid
Underused

I have a poem my sister wrote at age eight:

ANGER

HATRED

MADNESS

YOU GIVE ME HAPPINESS

I GIVE YOU SADNESS

impatient

;_; can't you see these tears are real i'm crying

lol Abbott's sister was Rollins

Bored and a bit lonely...

...but feeling very pleased with myself because my first proper report development worked!

I recently purchased a mid-size sedan and started listening to blues rock. I just don't know where I fit in : (

: D

K8 belongs on a not-sad thread, the impostor!

Being pleased with oneself is not incompatible with being sad. I can make the sad face over lots of other things that are not job related.

;_;

I imagine you would fit in the driver's seat of the sedan? Or is it too small for your mighty girth?

Like the first car I drove was a VW Vanagon bcz it was the only automoblie that allowed me to toss my wicked giant cock over my shoulder & still have room for passengers. (This before me necessary M-to-F surgery: when that thing tumesced, all of my blood swarmed to it and I'd faint with an oxygen-deprived brain until I was no longer aroused.)

K8 okay you are welcome back.

I r sadness po-fleece.

sade dit moi, doo doo doo dooooooooooo

jobless
anxious
bored
still trying to fit in to this new country
too much time alone at home thinking bout things
thank god for the internetz

That fortysomething thread I started is making me sad so I'd better snap out of it.

AAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAA

http://www.armory.net/img/CU/CU_monks_robe.jpg

(x-posts)

I guess this is more like for a "bittersweet thread" but

Best bro just got my dream job! He totally deserves it!

Best bro just got...my dream job. I'm stuck at a shit job.

Sister @ era she wrote this poem:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/cassiebershon.jpg?t=1219852026

AUSPICIOUSLY UNHAPPY but maybe bcz she had to glean potatoes.

AUSPICIOUSLY UNHAPPY

Que?

I am de-saddifying myself by singing to myself MBV lyrics translated into LOLspeak.

(Cue picture of Kevin Sheilds as Bagpuss saying "Can I has question?")

I often expect to be disappointed, and then I am disappointed, and then get hopeful about something else, but know ultimately it'll be a disappointment. I think if I didn't have to deal with beginnings and endings, I'd be a bit happier.

Here is an SAD comic I wrote...in...2004? '03?

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/suicider.gif?t=1219852532

That is my best penmanship, like how I write when I try RILLY HARDD.

;_; once again

That's an awesome comic, Abbott. It made me smile.

(No LOLling aloud in the office.)

*quiet in the library*

You CAN cry for hours in the library, tho – no one will really stop you.

DOAN KNOE WHEN
IM GONNA LEEF U AGAIN
GRAB REASON
AN IM DRAGGIN U DOWN LOL
COME JUS 2 MAK U HAPPEH
SHOT IN DA HEAD I CAN C
I CAN C IT
BUT I CANT FEELZ IT

xxxpost

That comic is brilliant!

I often expect to be disappointed, and then I am disappointed, and then get hopeful about something else, but know ultimately it'll be a disappointment.

If there is anything I've learned in my transition to grown-updom, it is: there's always a curveball around the corner and seldom, if ever, a golden light. After telling myself for yearrrrs (ten years?) that something great will finally be around the corner in a month or two & my worries will finally abate, I have discovered it is not true. So I bear in mind that bad shit will constantly happen, so I can be prepped & not let down, but I still try to live like I will eventually reach Good State.

PLS 2 B MEK MEH RELIZE!!!!

I feel kinda sorry for Socket Face!

He is a good, if stoic, protagonist. Don't worry, he lives on.

btw abbs i would read a comic like that in book format

Socket Face is THE SUN CARD to balance out Human Pencil's HANGING MAN w/WHEEL OF FORTUNE in the middle. How's that for a three card spread?

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/backpage.gif?t=1219853368

Sorry I turn every thread into the Amazing Adventures of me and my McCrack3n peers.

Abbott you know this anyway but you're really talented. we mortals are jealous.

libcrypt's gonna host me a page for my comics, which is a SWEET and RAD offer...I just have to get a few more done before I pop 'em up on the URLz.

I have a poem my sister wrote at age eight:

ANGER

HATRED

MADNESS

YOU GIVE ME HAPPINESS

I GIVE YOU SADNESS

You sure it wasn't by Trent Reznor, age forty four?

My sister is so boss.

in first grade I went through a "black period" with my crayon drawings, my parents were v disturbed

my black period included impromptu flava flav impersonations (no, really)

wau wau wau

What I am wondering right now is if I'm so sad I have to go straight home from work and spend the evening doing codeword puzzles, or if I'm going to attempt to go out and go to a gig and spend the evening sitting around feeling vaguely awkward with a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while - not to mention wandering vaguely around London trying to burn time before the gig starts and wondering where it wouldn't be too sad to have dinner that wasn't too rubbish before the gig.

Put like that, being sad and playing codeword all night sounds kinda appealing.

I'm just blue.

I'm going to look for Codeine videos on youtube.

I am de-saddifying myself /.../
-- Masonic Boom

Wooh, them images that phrase is yielding!

xpost Good plan. I'm going to go for a long-ish walk that's going to culminate in a long-ish drink (with a friend!).

Love abbot cartoonz! hearticon hearticon hearticon. Am not sad, but should be. Old, horrorjob, dead end thingness otherwise, and once upon a time all this would have made me quite sad, but now I'm adjusted. My sad-making organ is all raisinized, and the best I can do is mildly mopey.

Bleah! So depressing!

I am still no closer to a decision.

I have no one to go to the gig with.

The only people I will know at the gig are the band. I'm really sick of being in that situation.

"To pretend to be happy could only be idiocy..."

in first grade I went through a "black period" with my crayon drawings, my parents were v disturbed

-- Curt1s Stephens, Wednesday, August 27, 2008 4:17 PM (26 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

in high school i wrote awful goth dark poetry for a few months and my mom brought them in to the therapist as EXHIBIT A. i made a bunch of shit up cause i thought it was funny to fuck around with a psychoanalyst.

this was during my "i am a teenage dick" phase

like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting?

Did he make shit up? I don't remember that. But yeah I wore long sleeves and said I cut myself because I wanted to save the world but knew I couldn't.

And now I'm also sad because no one in the universe gives a shit whether I go or not.

It doesn't matter if I go. It doesn't matter if I don't. It doesn't matter if I spend the evening wandering about Clerkenwell like a ghost.

I might as well not exist.

Except, if I don't, these reports will not get written. So on I go.

Will be at little duke in Clerkenwell in about an hour if you fancy a drink..

(xxpost) There's a bit where he's lying on a psychiatrist's couch under hypnosis, and he starts talking about this time where he met up with a woman, and the psychiatrist is diligently making notes... Then Matt starts singing and you realise that he's been reciting the words of a song just to mess with the guy.

in first grade I went through a "black period" with my crayon drawings, my parents were v disturbed

-- Curt1s Stephens

"Yes it is," I said, "it's a picture of underwater."

But she didn't understand and said I was just being lazy. So I went back and painted a row of yellow in the middle. This was very hard to do, because the black kept trying to get in the yellow and make it blurry.

Teacher wasn't impressed. "That's still not a real picture."

"Yes it is," I said, "it's a submarine."

Drink. Don't know if I can afford a drink. Wld be nice to see you, but don't want to intrude if you're having a private conversation.

This is another reason not to go out - can't really afford it until I get paid for first month's work.

And here it is, 6pm, the office is deserted and I'm overworking because I can't face going home to another empty night in a deserted flat. :-(

"...row of yellow dots..." (you know, like portholes)

edit to above

xpost Well, come if you'd like--would not be an intrusion (you've met my friend E1ena before, I think, anyway).

I'm headed out to get out of this funk (fat chance).

http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Funny/kellogs-emos.jpg

I suppose, instead of taking the Tube to Farringdon, I shall walk in that direction, and see if I feel any more cheery/social after the walk. If I don't, I can always hope the Thameslink home.

contenderizer, that sounds like an excellent picture. The liberal arts school I went to at that age would probably have sent it off to the Tate Gallery and hailed you as an artistic prodigy or something.

Thank you. True greatness is never understood in its own time.

abbott art is always awesome

in first grade I went through a "black period" with my crayon drawings, my parents were v disturbed

-- Curt1s Stephens

hahaha i did this in kindergarten. my teacher and my mom were freaked out. i just did it because i hated coloring when i didn't feel like it.

There's a story I read, I think it was in a psych text book, about a kid who always did dark coloured drawings at school, so his parents sent him to a child psychologist. It turned out that he sat at the back of the class, and because of this, by the time the crayon box got to him all the bright colours were gone, so he had to use dark browns and blacks.

That's an idea for a novel on it's own! Great story.

I went to the pub. I had a drink and a chat and am now less sad. Turned out, it was only cabin fever. Yay for friends!

I think my oldest brother did a kindergarten drawing that was all black. The teacher asked him what it was, and he said it was an elephant. The teacher asked him what the elephant was doing and he said it had been run over by a car.

His belief in car over elephant is both disturbing and slightly endearing.

OK, Abbott - your sister is holding a plastic bag full of potatos in an empty potato field, yes? (That's sad.)

I'm kind of not sad today, because I'm going to see one of my other brothers, who owes me lunch for my birthday...free lunch! he lives in fancy pants Southport, CT. so I think I might have fancy free lunch and also possibly SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN.

Why's it sad? She OWNZ all the POTATOES!!!

I can never remember how those things are spelled. Is it really with an e?
She does not OWNZ all of the taters - she has mybe eight in her sad plastic bag. That's barely enough to get her through the hard, cold night in her empty field.

Also her shoes are amazing.

Abbott, I too will be buying your graphic novel! That wheel of fortune graphic is outstanding!

abbott is enjoying inverted symbols lately

Yeah, the wheel is great. The other comics are awesome too. Can't wait for the website, would so buy the book if it existed.

I was recently looking at a book of circular infographics and I would totally buy that also if only it had some Abbott-wheels.
Reinventing the Wheel by Jessica Helfand
(I kind of want it anyway but have no idea how I could justify owning such a thing. As it is I am just reading - ok, looking at the pictures on - the preview pages online and going "oh wow, circles")

I have already been taking my sad out on ILX too much lately but can now tell myself that soon the work week is over and at last there will be two days of a different kind of sad with more sleep attached so that's OK. Right?

I hope THREE days, as Monday is Labor Day. But not three days of sad. (This assumes you're in the U.S.)

I am not! I feel cheated now. But here in the UK we got a long weekend last weekend, and I took an even longer one, so...

...and the weather was crap as per the previous three Bank Holiday weekends.

There in the U.K. you have those so called bank holidays every month.
WTF is a bank holiday and how can I get one? or twelve?

Bank holiday comes SIX times a year.

Then it's back to work.

A
G
A I N!!!!!

six times a year, innit xposts!

(sorry, could not help myself)

full of fun and enjoyment...

xpost post X

Still no explanation of WTF IS a bank holiday. And how can I get six.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bank_holiday

Synopsis for all the tl'dr ;_;-ers...

1) It's currently eight bank holidays in England
2) There used to be as many as 34
3) You're not legally entitled to have bank holidays off
4) I am a boring bastard who has nothing better to do on a Friday evening than summarise wikipedia articles...

EIGHT!
Synopsis: For some reason somebody decided that cricket was more important than commerce.

I heartily agree, but - I'll just have to celebrate Labor Day instead.

I'm surprised that it used to be as many as 34 - that would have been slightly more than every other Monday off work.

Cors! You are now a member of the royal family.

lord luv a duck me old cock sparra china mate

Time IS like the clock of the heart.

Abbott, your cartoons helped to inspire the other side of a flyer I'm promoting a night with. Not anywhere as good as your stuff, but thought I'd post and say your stuff is the rock.

http://a616.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/53/l_2c9951d3c2bd91cd407c240d461bd257.jpg

I have been verra sad all this week. Beyond normal. My poor partner, I think I'm confusing the shit out of him with my irrational horribleness :/

No_One wants to be friends on MySpace!

MySpace to **********

No_One would like to be added to your MySpace friends list.

Slovenly!
Lazy!

procrastination regarding the soldering together of this circuit board

Can I buy Abbott-book yet? Can I, huh? Did website ever happen?

Back to sadness thread: out of depth on new giant work project, so zombie-tired in evenings that work = life right now, not sure if job runs out in 1x month or whether I want it anyway, feeling totally powerless abt loved one being sad like ¡extremely! ¡super-sad!, also guilt for all the times I think "but I am sad and would like attention too" or "I could've told you so" bad thoughts ;_;

i wrote this poem the other day

SUFFOCATION

NO BREATHING

DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I CUT MYSELF BLEEDING

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

THIS IS MY LAST RESORT

NERNERNERNERNERNERNERNER NERNERNERNERNERNERNERNER

THIS IS MY LAST RESORT

yesterday I felt so crappy, the only productive thing I did was to write a description of the way the weird clock in my kitchen looks at 9:59 AM

On the kitchen counter next to the coffeepot a metallic rectangle stands on its long edge. On the far right of its front face, nine small square windows of translucent plastic are set into recesses in the metal or metallic plastic, arranged in three rows and three columns, all them lit from within by a red light. To the left of the group of red squares is a small expanse of unbroken metallic flatness; to the left of the flatness, also arranged in three rows but with only two columns, six more squares, one (the top-left) a dull unlit grey, the other five glowing identical to the red squares save for their color (a purplish-blue). To the left of this is another flatness, and to the left of this, nine more squares, in the same arrangement as the red squares, all lit, these in green. Another flat space, and then at the far left of the rectangle, a single column of three unlit grey squares.

oh wait I also started a load of laundry which I just realized I forgot to put in the dryer

i'm a shitty person

no you're not cuz if you were you wouldn't say that

i hope you're right but i don't think so!!!!

a sad fernando ilxorres

uncanny

kind of sad

how are ilxorres of any age?

ilxorres the promising real sociedad fullback amirite

think someone beat you to that joke just above!

Need to get on with some projects but just feeling bleurgh and please can we have Spring now?

so much stuff in my life is better than it's ever been, job/money etc, but my personal life is crappy.

That's the dilemma of improving one leg of the triangle: living/abode vs job vs romance/relationships. As soon as you upgrade one, the next-worst starts to consume you.

it's mazlow's hierarchy of needs!

Well yes but they swap places sort of. Not quite as nice as his little even pyramid.

damn you maslow

think someone beat you to that joke just above!

needed an euskara reference and they are only known for football and terrorism so

maslow was an awful hack btw

yeah I just remembered him from school 15 years ago.

there's the answer. u are sad because you are v old

in all seriousness, now that career stuff is going as well as it sounds for you you're just focusing elsewhere. all progress depends on the malcontent etc.

Talking to somebody this afternoon trying to nail down why I was so fed up and after 5 minutes of listing shit I figured I was better off going back to keeping it nebulous.

i'm actually not too fed up, just sort of work/life concerns. it is so hard to have a life outside work, and not because i have no time. because working hard for 40-50 hours a week just alters your personality into herd mode so I just want to watch sport and drink at the weekends. obvious solutions are hobbies etc, which i'm pursuing, but still. can't believe how much personality working robs, even in a good job where you can be yourself all day.

maaaaaan i hope the lovely ms g isn't reading this but i miss working my 40 hrs a week and getting to drink and watch football at the weekends so much

Totes ROLLINS mood miasma hit me a few hours ago...I was writing "fuck the world" in different scripts on a piece of paper while some inane people did not stfu.

yah sometimes i feel trapped in my life

Then I drew (poorly) the cover for 2112 and the naked guy is saying "fuck the world" on it; all in all today ahs been productive.

srsly it is weird to see this revived bcz this is the exact mood I was in when I started the thread: oblique, pensive, trapped, lonely, nebulous, but today w/this extra big-neck-furrow-brow-Rollins-rage edge.

Looking at my post from 11 months ago, some SADs remain and some are "oh, what was that even about?", so, I guess we are still rolling

would still like Abbott comic website/book
and more circular infographics
and fewer work projects which make me go "oh shit, I should not have this job, and I cannot even be unhappy about job as so many good people are out of work" etc

tree-hugging post-post: keep on keeping on, ILX, you guys are great

yah
black flag
in your room
fuck everybody
imo

i don't even feel expressively sad like to want to write it down....just like sort of robotic. had to really force myself to try and revive a thread or something, cos yeah never talk about stuff like this IRL. basically just feel like i can't get in touch with my own personality so how would anyone else kind of thing. started an acting class this week and did a huge tidying/rearranging of my room recently too, buying plants etc, i guess these things will take time to help too. but it's weird...work just seems to change me, i've seen it with friends too. and yeah i know, would be worse to just not have a job.

kinda sad
very frustrated
feel like my life has been in limbo since 2003ish

it's all part of growing up

^ sometimes i think this and it terrifies me that it's true

sometimes i think "but i should not have to be an office drone who is too tired to capture the beautiful! creative! ideas! in my head, it is so unfair" and i think of everyone older when i grew up (or even now) that i thought was just a boring older person and probably also had the beautiful creative ideas and had to abandon them

and it is so sad that i have to stop thinking for an hour and drink more

lyfe etc (stealing Lamp's spellings for failed pretence of insouciance)

i am drinking the orange and vodka and blue curacao, it is blue, guys, i just need to think about the awesome blueness and nothing else and all will be fine

sry 4 emo

truth bombs are dropping

i am going on a vacation by myself because i need to
not sure where i'm going, but i need to go somewhere
by myself

I was starting to list how I feel but you guys seem to have covered it, haha. "Sad" is about right - functioning sort of okay, having good moments and good interactions sometimes, but basically marooned, like a boat in the middle of a huge lake with the rudder dropped off and what's worst is I feel like this is it, for the rest of my time. Just shruggy, really.

i'm pretty sure.......

guys i'm pretty sure we should all have been killed by that jet engine falling on our houses last month

I am gonna get mad drunk tomorrow night basically.

That sounds like a brilliant idea.

cmon everyone things aren't bad as such we should probably go list good stuff about life on another thread

^^^ That'd be a symptom of what's going deeply wrong, really

think i'm too tired to even get drunk. this is no way to run a railroad.

the funny thing about this for me is in work now I am like switched on and good humoured and feel for the first time ever like I am really into what I do and don't have to force myself to care. but when i get home it's like the exact opposite.

work overtime!

haha...

personal life is so in the shitter that even though i loathe my job intensely i'm pretty happy to go there

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GCyMtNl8T8

so much stuff in my life is better than it's ever been, job/money etc, but my personal life is crappy.

― I see what this is (Local Garda), Friday, February 12, 2010 5:43 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

the funny thing about this for me is in work now I am like switched on and good humoured and feel for the first time ever like I am really into what I do and don't have to force myself to care. but when i get home it's like the exact opposite.

― I see what this is (Local Garda), Friday, February 12, 2010 7:16 AM (49 minutes ago) Bookmark

these two posts are soooo otm for me ;_;

I am thoughtless now
really heavy fuckin tunes
drinkin tbh

Actually I think this is from cuttin way back on coffee cuz that was way out of control.

i am going on a vacation by myself because i need to
not sure where i'm going, but i need to go somewhere
by myself

― figgy pudding (La Lechera), Thursday, February 11, 2010 6:00 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I did this once in 2005 when I had 0/3 legs, and now I have 1! At the time I had been in limbo Bud Bundy style in the folx basement for about 6 years (after leaving school). It was a big impetus for a lot of the other stuff that ended up being really positive, like getting a condo and going back to school.

I went to Memphis btw if you're looking for ideas.

this is a good time to listen to 'tonight's the night'

i am thinking of southwest or northwest
anywhere i don't know anyone tbh

OTMs all around. All you guys need to go (re)read 'Revolutionary Road'.

I'll skip Rev. Road, but I've been watching Fabulous Baker Boys and drinking mightily.

more melancholy than sad lately. not my default setting. stress & (maybe)snow getting to me? gonna try to SNAP OUT OF IT at the gym this evening...

Talking to somebody this afternoon trying to nail down why I was so fed up and after 5 minutes of listing shit I figured I was better off going back to keeping it nebulous.

feeling this atm, trying to express it results in "ah fuck it never mind" then another few week of being a moaning prick

would probably help if I got a decent night's sleep at some point

decent sleep is one thing i HAVE been getting lately and it struck me this was largely down to limited internet access (only moved a few weeks ago).

still feel a pretty unshakeable dissatisfaction at the root of everything I do, but try to ignore it.

dissatisfaction feeding into massive procrastination problems over here

In a pretty bad rut right now. I have a shitty, dead-end job that takes up all my time, no social life outside of work and I feel like I'm faking any enthusiasm for the stuff (music and film, mostly) I used to genuinely enjoy. I can't bring myself to go out to concerts or movies or even watch them at home because without anyone else around to share it with it feels pointless. So basically I just read ilx on my phone at work, go home and sleep, and occasionally post sad-sack self-pity bullshit to various message boards.

I know exactly what Ronan is talking about upthread, I think.

extreme malaise

:( keep yer head up!

calls for extreme mayonnaise imo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_70xGUxznYY

http://www.lovingwhisper.com/media/6187-life-is-not-easy.jpg

those kids are gross, but thanks for the loving whisper

i have improved my situation by calling off work tomorrow

ps mayo is vile and if you mention it in my presence again i will cut u

release your mayo hate, embrace it with your soul

actually, miracle whip is gross and mayonnaise as its known in most hamburger-serving establishments is not to my liking at all

mayo that does not come in a jar could possibly be acceptable if i made it myself

i have trouble releasing hate
that's why i have such extreme mayolaise

lol

shitty day, too cold, got rejected by two people i tried to interview with three weeks ago, got stranded ~4 miles south of my house when I didn't have bus fare home and couldn't access any thru an ATM, so walked home hungry & cold.

if there's plenty of fishies in the sea, I must have a shitty-assed fishing pole....:/

hate myself, hate my life, apart from my job, everything else is shit.

what would make it better?

don't know, having more energy or time, knowing what i wanted to do to make it better.

I suggest going outside and walking around a bit and thinking about what might be good. To encourage you, here is a picture I took "outside" last June:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3297/4567023076_ce0577a688.jpg

Outside can be very nice. The sky is often interesting.

thank you

there's a lot you can start doing to move toward liking yourself if you first (a) identify what you *don't* like about yourself or (b) identify patterns of "distorted" thinking where you're much more down on yourself than you should be

because chances are, in many ways, you're not doing the things you could be doing to improve your self-esteem or you're being harder on yourself than you need to be

again, i don't know you, but this seems to be the way these things can go in general

That picture of Anlaby is awesome. I will make a point of walking the 500 yards from my house tomorrow that I need to be surrounded by an air freshener label.

http://parentingsquad.com/files/parentingsquad.com/imagecache/blog_image_full/files/parentingsquad.com/blog-images/tired.jpg

on the other hand

http://gryphonscry.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/batman-and-robin.jpg

hahahaha

Sorta feel like life is just farting in my face lately or for the last few years to be honest. Blech.

makes me sad when people feel that way (i've been there, too). i realize how empty and hollow this can sound, but nevertheless it's true: things get better.

And then they get worse again, over and over and over and FUCKING OVER.

Sigh.

nevertheless it's true: things get better.

saying stuff like this just make it worse when things don't

I regret my whole life at this point. Garr. I better do some work instead of dwelling on this.

One of my all-time least favorite canards is "god never gives anyone more hardships than their strength can bear".

There was at least a whole decade of my life that well-meaning people kept handing me that particular piece of numbskullery as solace, becuase they didn't know what else to say, and they felt they had to say something positive about a situation that had no positive aspects.

Anyway, things that don't get better naturally all by themselves generally call for you to struggle with them.

Yes. It can feel like you are in the middle of a nightmare, where you are thrashing around, feverish, hopelessly twisted up in the bedclothes and you've completely lost track of up and down. But, you have to try, because the only way out is patience and effort. As much patience as you own and all the effort you can spare. And each time your efforts fail, you must start over again.

By laboriously putting yourself into the path where luck might pass, eventually good things will happen, little by little.

Good luck.

word

feeling unmotivated, and there's this guy who is back in town who has threatened my brother who is a bit crazy and I'm more than worried about the situation, but I dunno what I can do other than advise my bro to avoid him.

kick his ass

grind him like cattle

grind his flank xp :)

make him eat your poo

; )

Nice words of advice, Aimless, I like. I know all we can do is just keep on going. And I'm not even 40 yet - but I am looking back over the last few years and thinking I could have done so much more with myself, and I am sad.

Had one of those "oh god what the fuck happened to my life" days. I have no social contact outside of work, my few friends live halfway across the country, and they (and all of my relatives of a similar age) are married or have real careers. I'm having a lot of difficulty coming to grips with the fact that I've hit the phase of life where people start settling down and doing the Real Proper Adulthood thing and managed to miss all the stuff that's supposed to come before.

I went thru that at 30! And then got past it and had a great time for about 5 years. Now I'm alnost 40 and its all looming up again but even worse.

Thinking about how little has changed in my life in the last three years and how quickly it went by, then thinking that that's how much time I have left until 30, makes me want to jump off a bridge some days.

Aimless otm, and like of course it's annoying and almost insensitive when people hit you with the optimism of those who have prob never been stuck in a really difficult situation.

I had (have) these unexplained health probs which for the first 3 years or so just caused me to question the utter injustice of life. And prob to realise that injustice on a personal level too for the first time.

It took me a long time to stop wallowing, and all the way through people would act with that weird cosmic faith that made them say "it'll get better", and this drove me mad.

After a while part of you feels like the misery associated with your situation (and I feel like this must be true for depression/bereavement too) is yours and you have to fight for the right to have it and the right not to feel okay.

That sounds quite negative but it's part of a process whereby you internalize a problem I guess, where you really understand it.

The thing is though, and what I learned if anything, is that you can't control "things". Things may not get better, "things" are obviously totally random. They may get worse.

But you do have power over your reaction to things and when you reach a place where you can employ that power you'll realise how strong it is.

These days I don't feel one bit physically better than the first day I got sick but mentally it's nowhere near the issue it was. Its really given me faith in the power of the mind.

It'll be 5 years next month that I got sick, and for the first 3 I basically couldn't stop thinking of being better in a weeks time or how much happier I was when I was sick. I realised how much my mindset has changed because I have not even thought about how long I've been sick at all in the last while.

And basically, despite my post above, a lot of things have gone brilliantly in my life in the two years or so since I mentally overcame my illness.

So it's not that "things get better", but even if you're at a point where you know (and only you can know really, since it's your decision) that things are totally fucked, just know also that you can overcome them.

And also the experience will stand to you...

Ro, that was an awesome post and actually really gave me some hope, thank you.

LOL mind you now I'm thinking of the funeral scene from IT Crowd where Roy goes to the widow "I'm sorry for your loss. .... Now, move on."

cripes, some excellent words ^^ garda and aim. really actually made me feel heaps better tonight. i doth my hat.

Aimless and Local Garda OTM.

I think a lot of the issue is that so much of our conversation is done through non-voice technology (facebook, text messages), some of which is public, so you sometimes are afraid of leaving a more realistic well-wish, lest you look like a jerk. Case in point, my own brother updated his status on FB to talk about the various things going wrong...since I knew exactly what he was struggling with and had been through it myself, I told him that "many people will tell you 'things get better', but that's bullshit. They can get better, but it doesn't just happen by osmosis. The most you can do is spend your energy to devoting yourself to good habits, and that will increase the possibility of things getting better". Person below me replies "Things WILL get better, it isn't bullshit!" (as if I'd merely told my brother "things ain't gonna get better hey btw can I borrow your XBOX 360 game").

I think there's a lot of guilt that goes into feeling bad, I know I often am conditioned to think "geez, there's plenty of people worse off than me", but I get tired of seeing people frequently yelling at friend and family online going "Quit yer whining, don't you know people who live in OldNewJerseynaviashire don't have the benefits you do!". It's as if the only reason people have a right to be sad or down in the dumps is if some Job-esque tragedy happened to them. I saw one guy who was leaving frequent status updates indicating he needed help being told "Only you can control the way you feel!". Ok, yes, that's true to an extent, but it amazes me that some people think the solution to life's problems is just having a positive attitude. A positive attitude HELPS for sure, but sometimes bullshit happens even when you're the biggest cockeyed optimist. As I said in the other thread...I don't believe everything happens for a reason.

The way I get through sadness is by allowing myself to feel those feelings rather than lie to myself and say "everything's gonna be great". I don't hide from my misery, and then slowly, I begin to break it apart, item by item. If things aren't as bad as they seem, I realize that, and feel better. If things are as bad as they seem, I just promise myself to do all that's in my power to fix it. Thanks to that, I haven't had to use the d-word ("depressed") in 3 years. Right now I'm in a funk, but I'm merely "sad".

Well wishes to all of those going through various shit on here, and I wish you the best!

I'm drinking, listening to 69 Love Songs, crying myself to sleep, wallowing over a girl who'll never love me and unintentionally use our close friendship to torture me even though she knows how I feel (the whole fucking world knows how I feel), have gone a week without my anti-depressents and docs is booked up so heavily that my appointment is a fucking week away, i have £39 to my name (well, I have £39 left of my overdraft)... f a life atm basically.

Any particular reason you're not taking yr anti-depressants?

Not to sound like a bossy older sister, but I'm worried about you. A week w/out anti-depressants can make things really...scary. Like feel free to hit me up, too, if you want to chat elsewhere.

I ran out and new awkward work schedule made me forget to book a docs appointment for a re-up.

Also made the naive mistake thinking I was getting better and it would be ok not trying to get in touch w/ her in advance to sort it out.

Aw hell.

also ty

have you tried signing angel di maria in fm? this made me v happy over the weekend. (hope you feel better)

a hoy hoy feeling bad for u son

you can probably phone up the doctors and ask them to reissue a prescription even if his appointments are booked (he can surely just sign a bit of paper)

even when people do come off those drugs it's usually done gradually (saw a friend get some bad side effects after she just thought fuck it and threw them away)

ronan :D

i did scout him, can't afford him. i am 8th with 2 games in hand btw, a third into the season, and if i win those two, i go 2nd. adebayor i <3 u again, all is forgiven bro, hope no-one ever shoots at u again.

i'll be ok. its not like i'm suicidal or anything. it may be a shitty job but having any money will be nice and if i am sensible, should be back in the + in about 2 months and in a position to move from this place i hate after saving a bit more on top of that. my grandad's whole shitty legacy is nearly done. my mother hasn't been a soul destroying drunk in about a whole sunny week. sort out my non-love life/wait patiently for my best friend to return to the country and i could be approaching something like normality by the end of the year.

just think how happy you'll be when your beloved team of north london underachievers finally qualifies for the champions league after several weeks of absence. there'll be emotional scenes.

don't think charlton are in north london? or have ever been in the champions league?

oh you meant...

i forbid it tonight sam. that's my contribution.

August on is gonna be fun d-macizzle

get ye into a football thread imo. i haven't even started yet. and i don't even have to be at work til 10 tomorrow

i really fucked up a friendship on saturday night/sunday morning. i enjoy his company more than the company of most people i've met in the bay area. though a string of long texts ended with 'we're still new friends,' and we've both said that we love being in each other's lives, what came before that has got me really introspective and sad about the way that i can sometimes drive people out of my life by not being honest about my intentions...

sometimes i feel like i get overzealous about friendships and relationships partly because i'm an only child, and while i'm quite capable of (And pretty into) being alone, i also get inordinately attached to people very quickly. like i've only known this person since november of last year, and though we've been really intimate and honest with each other about our lives and whatnot, that's still not much time, and he feels like i sometimes 'weasel' my way into his space or his relations with other friends of ours. this has never been my intention, but the more i've thought about it, the more i realize there have been incidences where he's right.

that said, there were some weeks in late march and april when we were calling each other every day, eating breakfast together, sleeping in the same bed, sharing each others' clothes, etc. i have certain ideas of intimacy for sure, and those weeks definitely brought us closer, but now i feel like i jumped the gun in feeeling like we are better friends than we actually are, and alienated him and pissed him off as a result.

so, i'm sad. listening to 100 Flowers a lot and just trying to plow through and not think about it too much. but it's so hard— though i don't think i fucked things permanently, and i have a good feeling things will be good between us again soon, the idea that i might lose him as a friend is just so scary and depressing. all i can do is apply to jobs and work on my writing, which is good, but the bad thoughts keep coming back.

if u feel that strongly about him, chances are he won't be willing to let u go anytime soon

:) chin up. true friendships have a way of working themselves out, as cliche as that may sound

yeah, i just need to give him some space, i think, and also just be as explicit as possible in my intentions...like, here's the story:

on sat., he was graduating from college. (i should mention that i helped him write his final paper, without which he wouldn't have graduated). i was supposed to be walking for grad school graduation (we went to a small enough school that they combine the ceremonies), but instead was in the audience b/c pomp and circumstance is silly especially if yr family isn't there.. after his name was called, he walked down the aisle, greeted his best friend at the end of the aisle, and i decided to just go and say hi and congrats and offer him a smoke...well, he was happy to see me and we hugged, but i think felt a little put off that i had maybe intruded on his moment with his best friend...then i was looking at some art with our mutual friend (and yes, occasional mutual lover) and him and his parents showed up, and his mom invited me to their bbq, but he hadn't invited me, so i just was like 'whatever.'

a few minutes after he left, he called and said that i should come if i wanted but that i needed to find my own ride, which i didn't have. so i was just like hey thanks, but i'll see u later at our friend's show.

well, that happened, then we went dancing, and then i basically took his best friend's spot in the car cuz i was being a fucking brat (and also hadn't slept in my own bed for three days). it was a shitty move, and i immediately regretted it and asked him to turn around, but then we couldn't find his best friend, and so it was just a shitty time....paragraphs long text messages all night and morning, some of them really painful but ultimately good in making me reflect upon my behavior towards him and our friendship...anyway, it's been rough.

also, surm, yeah, i feel like it will work itself out because we really do enjoy each other, and have had some truly magical moments together, and share a lot of interests and loves...it's just hard right now... d3nnis c00per told me that after this rough patch, things will be better, if his experience is any indication. and yeah, i think that he's right and you're right too.

and hey IT STOPPED FUCKING RAINING for a brief minute. good.

well it sounds like u want to be his #1 grrl, which is totally fine but just respect his personal connections and stuff

Feeling typical sadness that comes after being out all weekend. Need to start doing some non booze related hobbies. Also stuck in spain, it should be fun but the uncertainty is irritating me.

yeah, i do want to be his #1 grrl...partly because it seemed that that was happening for a while there, but then it sort of dropped off, and i got hurt and frustrated...

but yea, you got it. it's just weird when his personal connections are with people that i'm also friends with, so it's like, 'uh hey, we all know each other and are friends, let's just be friends together.' but sometimes u jsut want yr older friends with u, yr tighter friends, and i'm glad i've realized that now...

:-) doesn't mean u won't stay besties

ronan, have fun in spain!

Feeling typical sadness that comes after being out all weekend. Need to start doing some non booze related hobbies.

feelin this acutely this week---this weekend was kind of a junkshow and i've got Shit To Do this week, in kind of a big way. i'm not lacking for non-boozing hobbies, but i am lacking for partners to do them with

Almost, almost made it to a concert this weekend but ended up having to cut and run before having a full-blown panic attack outside the venue. Another one of those awesome "what the fuck am I doing here alone, I do not belong here" things that invariably ends with me staying up all night drinking and taking whatever antianxiety meds I have to try and calm down.

sometimes i feel like i get overzealous about friendships and relationships partly because i'm an only child, and while i'm quite capable of (And pretty into) being alone, i also get inordinately attached to people very quickly.

as an only child I feel this is very otm. I think I overcompensate by being way too passive about my relationships though :/

i'm an only child too; have been both too zealous and lackadaisical
can't win as an only child imo

Am not an only child, but my brother is eight years younger than me so psychologically, yes I am, and I totally get u.

i am an only child who is generally accused of underzealousness ¯\(°_0)/¯

anyway only children, C or D?

I'm also an only child - used to be too zealous and now sometimes get accused of being "disinterested" in people. What is it with non-only-child people expecting everyone to be a fucking mind reader re: their personal/relational space?

only child here too and def underzealous. not uninterested, though I do like my alone time - just scared of being too keen, assuming I'm not really wanted, waiting for invites but never inviting anyone, flaking out of things

but I do have this thing of thinking people are either totally awesome people who like me or terrible haterz - any slightly cool behaviour provokes sudden panic, then weeks of agonising over how they hate me and they're terrible people and what a fool I was etc, and I take unexpected ribbing or genuine dislike (even if only very mildly expressed) very hard indeed

(I know I have social issues which go way beyond onlychildness but it's interesting to compare notes anyway)

^^ feelin this post

so glad i'm not an only child reading these, i'm bad enough socially as it is even with all my corners rubbed off.

"any slightly cool behavior provokes sudden panic"= my problem in a fuckin nutshell

i feel like i definitely can get underzealous, too, just to check myself, but my core group of like 5-10 friends out here mean enough to me that i want to be with them all the time... other friends out here, i only see when i;m feeling saucy or crazy-- that's mostly a result of them being insane and me not wanting to be that way allt he time. also, they're straight, and it's gotten to a point where if you're not a punk or a queer or some sort of art-making person, i have little time for you? that's a really shit attitude to have, but it's true.

feel so low right now, worse than at any point in the last 2/3 years. finished my job last friday and just feel like i've lost the best thing in my life. i'm due to start a 3 week job as a tv runner tomorrow doing utterly menial shit for 13/14 hours to prove myself to some kafkaesque powers that be who may be just filling a gap anyway, and i just don't feel i have the mental strength (unsure of the physical strength either, with my health probs). i've DONE my time as a runner, i've had shitty jobs, i worked through that to somewhere good and it got taken away from me through no fault of my own or with nothing to do with my work.

i feel genuinely shit, like my whole life has been ruined.

i wish i'd said no to the job but i feel i was probably right to take it. the person who offered it runs endless programmes and she said the producer on this show does also.

all of that said, i just feel so awful about having to drop to this.

hey man...sorry....i don't have any words of wisdom but i hope you feel better.

it goes lower believe me

so sorry to hear about your job, i knew from our posts how positive and huge a part of your life it was. its tough times around everywhere for while though, and hopefully the experience yu've already got will stand you i good stead in the not too distant future when things pick up again- and in the meantime, i'd guess that anything at all, even menial shit, that keeps you in the frame and in the loop for other gigs can only be worth doing, regardless of a feeling of short term regression

if it would help pick you up at all, i could tell you some stories about this guy and his family- they are from about five houses away from me in a tiny village at the end of a cliff in achill

Dude crashes cement mixer into dail

also you're running seems to have been going really well, and y'know liverpool aside you're one of the best ilx has imo so hopefully this low will pass and you can start shouting at ppl again like your old self.

liverpool are going into administration too btw

thats a good thing!

heh...i hope it improves for you cozen. believe me i'd take a liverpool relegation to get my old job back.

thanks darragh...i saw the cement mixer thing today, lots of lame jokes on twitter.

i know i need to do this job tmrw but it's not even just the regression so much as the feeling of being a piece of shit that comes with being a runner. i just feel genuinely trapped by having to do things someone else has set me up with and unstable mentally about it all.

Brother, you are fighting one of the most difficult and frustrating things in this life - work shouldn't be too important as to take over your life, but, once you find a job that you love, you succeed at and you find really important voluntarily, it becomes very important. When this job goes away, then, its naturally a frustrating thing.

This will pass. Take the menial job, because it will mean that at least $$$ won't be a real worry, and you'll be able to eat, pay rent, etc.

And coz is 100% right - it goes a WHOLE LOT lower. Oof.

hey ronan you can look back on this when you have a super awesome job at the bbc so good that the daily mail is writing articles complaining about you and think 'oh those 3 weeks weren't so bad; shame about liverpool tho' and :DDDDDDD

I just can't deal with hardship v well since health probs started in 2005, I need other things to be good so physical health doesn't matter to me. And that's what makes this so hard to face. That and just fucking not being a person for the next however many months.

you're still a person!

Oh dude, no. It's hard to make those feelings go away, especially when it's so raw right now, but don't put all of that on yourself.

Maybe try to find a way to exercise control over the things you care about outside of work? Make the little things matter, and try to let go of the impending doom of the next few weeks. Once you're in it, the time will fly. If this part of your employment is as out of your control as you say, then stressing over it is just going to make it harder. Remember that you're more than the job. Or try to get back in touch with the things that make you more than the job, you know?

you're right, i guess just even when i was happy with my last job i knew i didn't have enough going on outside it, but work was enough to keep me going. i tried to get other things going but only in fits and starts. i guess there was always the risk of this happening but my job genuinely felt secure because i knew i was doing well and was getting more responsibility etc.

i'm torn cos 65 per cent of me thinks i should just plough through this three week job, and 35 per cent of me feels i should have told them i wouldn't do it, stuck to my guns, and stuck it out for another few weeks, i have the money to do so. i'm not a fucking runner.

and you wont be just cos you have to do it for a few weeks!

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/9/29/1ba27d9d-96e6-4bdf-b401-350fa5077745.png

And right now I hate my job.

The usual shit for me. Miserable job, no friends, no skills or qualifications to fix first problem, overwhelming social phobia making it impossible to fix second problem, crushing realization that even the most modest set of goals I set for myself is never happening. Prozac's not working, therapist is going over the same stuff previous therapists have been for my entire life (and I expect the same results), can't think of anything to look forward to that would make the rest of my life worth it.

no friends

not entirely true fyi

I quit that job on first day, it was 13 hour day with 15 min break, washing dishes and cleaning tables as it's a cookery show. I can rough if it's getting me experience but fuck that shit. If that's a "test" to get me into that part of BBC and they think I need to do that then they can think on. Spoke to few of my old producers and they all reckoned can it...on the plus, got an interview next week for a sweet job.

ha fuckem, regardless of earlier advice

SOrry to hear about all this, Local Garda, but I hope your interview next week goes well! Saying "fuck it" to 13 contiguous hours of that kind of labor means you are a sane man, imo.

Gordon Ramsey is very disappointed in you Garda. He thinks you're all manner of hyperbolic things and that there are hundreds who'd lick his ass to have a crack at the job you just quit.

http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/terminal01/2010/9/30/10/enhanced-buzz-16352-1285857358-1.jpg

Drunk last night and wrestling with not getting drunk this morning. Wd love to wrap myself in the soft comfort blanket of a smack habit but don't dig the company tbh. Such a boring boring sadness. So fucking empty.

Ugh, as someone who recognises that particular description all too well, all I can do is offer a somewhat faltering and not-too-matey clap on the back and a perhaps a muttered 'hang in there'.

i've been finding meditation immensely helpful as a way to shove negative feelings over to the side for a while. breathe in and out, take stock of how your body is feeling, find something nice to focus on, etc.

this is a good one if you can deal with chakras:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8845129782533837583#docid=7760565812754078388

I can dig meditation and happily sidestep chakras. Think I'm too raddled to meditate right now. Need breathing space first I guess but thanks for reminding me.

man Noodle I am really sorry that this is where you're at! sending hope to you from my heart, know you can come through this.

thx everybody :) sorry for dropping my game face

Dammit dammit dammit. No sooner do I achieve some equilibrium re. my life than something else knocks me off my balance again.

Fuck washing a game face. Be well, NV.

<3 to any and all sad ilxors

Just saw this, hope you can press on NV...

Noodles! *hugz*

The alcohol is going to magnify and extend the feelings of sadness, btw. Apologies for stating the obv but remember to deduct some of the edge off your feelings and chalk it up to serotonin depletion. And have some complex carbs today.

I say this in hopes of making it every little bit easier that I can. :(

seriously, i thought i was ~just about~ to lose my mind earlier this week, and then i got 5 hours of sleep instead of 2 and i was like ooooh ok, this is what moderately normal feels like

sleep + food helps for real
it'll get better noods, you'll see

I think it's sometimes difficult to know the difference between mere sleep deprivation and just being depressed. It's all so muddled. Pills help but the depression pops up around the corner anyway. The delirious happiness has been slowly going away, I fear.

NV, I know the game face all too well.

NV that is rotten that you are feeling like this. I am sending good thoughts your way & hoping you can stick it through.

On the other hand, The study also found that REM sleep deprivation may alleviate clinical depression because it mimics selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). This is because the natural decrease in monoamines during REM is not allowed to occur, which causes the concentration of neurotransmitters in the brain, that are depleted in clinically depressed persons, to increase.

For whatever THAT'S worth.

sleep deprivation is definitely a coping mechanism if nothing else

hey, best wishes, NV. hope your mood improves soon.

echoing the good wishes. hang on -- this too shall pass, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

I didn't get drunk yesterday. Them tiny wins are the pegs you rebuild on. Thx again everybody :)

shit didnt see this. Good thoughts man.

First post-divorce Christmas really, really hard tbh. Kids have had a good one, which is good. But for me the whole week (apart from some good times out with friends) has been a long slide back into all the negativity and gloom of the last 12 months.

Yuck. Bring on 2011. I need a new number on the calendar.

tipsy that sucks, it's a tough week to be alone. new year will begin afresh, beaming some good thoughts yr way in the meantime.

Aw, Tips, yer gonna be a-ok. The holidays have a way of making people nostalgic, and sometimes that can turn into a kind of morose rumination on life, but it's okay. Just be glad your kids had a good Christmas in their new home!

Thanks. Looking forward to spending the next week sort of doing not very much at all. A little down time. This month has been busy and difficult. I was just getting used to the rhythms of shared custody when Christmas kind of knocked the wind out a little. We had worked out the schedule ahead of time and everything, but it made me really sad to say goodbye to them Christmas Eve. (They came back to my place this morning.) There are times when the whole fractured-family thing still hurts. It's not the kind of life I wanted for myself or my kids. I know things will get better. In a lot of ways they already have. Just been a tough week.

i know people in that situation; it's hard. i feel for you, man. you seem like a smart fellow and a good father.

hoping for a better 2011 for you.

As a child of divorced parents, I think the biggest silver lining is TWO CHRISTMAS DINNERS, so... maybe your kids will grow up to be like me and only concerned with gorging themselves ;)

the thing i hate about christmas is that even though it's not my holiday and i never really exchange presents or make any fancy dinners, it's mega-depressing seeing everyone else having fun.

what, no movies & chinese food? ;)

i have a long-standing tradition of feeling like a chump on most major holidays.

we had plans; car broke down and we took a tow truck home in the rain.

I've spent the holidays with a significant other every year since I left home. This is the first time I've been alone, and it's proving more diff than I anticipated. I had someone to spend these days with, then I screwed it up, and now it's just me not-putting-together-my-furniture and finishing this wine. I'm not really sad about it so much as ambivalent. Feels strange.

it is a time of self-reflection.

yes, but it's also a time of hope and renewal.

. . . or it can be, under the right circumstances, and if you're lucky.

thats kinda what im goin for

As a child of divorced parents, I think the biggest silver lining is TWO CHRISTMAS DINNERS, so... maybe your kids will grow up to be like me and only concerned with gorging themselves ;)

― not everything is a campfire (ian), Sunday, December 26, 2010 4:07 AM (9 hours ago) Bookmark

Yeah. And our kids had a good time, which is of course the most important thing. It was just, to me, a sort of stark reminder of everything that's happened in the past year. I hope/expect that by next year I might actually be able to enjoy Christmas. Problem is that even as I've adjusted to and am mostly okay with my daily life now, Christmas is a special case, and hard to prepare for or know how it will feel. I was surprised by how shitty I felt the last few days.

first time in any of those situations is tough- fwiw it doesn't sound it was too bad (as a first attempt) so hopefully it wont be so tough again

I am feeling sort of weird and crystalline abt Gabriellle Giffords being shot, thought I would call my mom, who is always good at listening – remembered that my mom is currently at the funeral of her developmentally delayed sister. Feeling fucked up that my first reaction to her death, earlier this week, was should I be crying? (tho tbh nearly everyone in my family but my grandma feels that way abt the situation, I think) I'm not good around death.

My poor mom is so giving and strong and all I do is dump my problems on her –– at least I remembered her day before I made a call.

My father died of dementia a few years ago. I didn't feel very upset when he died, mostly because to me he had died ten years before he actually did. There's no shame in feeling this way.

Yeah there are different kinds of letting go. Sometimes it happens a long time before someone stops breathing.

IDK she was in bad health but it's not like she had a terrible life no one would want to live. Example: she had her digital cable paid in advance for the next entire year, so it's clear she was enjoying the TV. She's just the kind of person it is very, very hard to feel close to.

I really didn't mean what I said in a "at least they're not suffering anymore" way, I meant more in a "have had lots of time to prepare for their death" way.

Tell us more about your late aunt, if you want to.

I feel like anything I would say would make me sound like an asshole.

i'm always sad in January, it's like clockwork. left my 10-minute short show tonight after intermission, skipping the post-show meet and greet again just cuz I didn't feel like seeing anybody afterwards or talking to the crowd. just withdrawn the last few days.

had a weird dream last night where at one point I was holding and hugging my son and smiling (I don't have kids)....no idea what that's trying to tell me but anywho....

i am feeling unreasonable

(it's all relative tho because i am habitually too reasonable)

i don't really know what to do! at all ever! but i'm glad i have my cat

i'm having a bout of middle-of-the-night hyperactivity even though i had almost no caffeine all day. said bout is accompanied by a knot in my stomach.

i've been thinking about the tenuousness of "stability" and the thing of the one jenga block being pulled away and making the complex system collapse. the cog-behavioral therapists stress that catastrophic thinking is toxic, but for me in 2011, it's hard *not* to think catastrophically.

It's harder to get a job than I thought it'd be. Oh well, as long as I have Dressy Bessy cd's to sell I should be okay.

Good to hear the cat is around.
xpost

things pretty bad lately, even if it's been weeks of feeling sort of dead/neutral and just carrying on. keep finding myself crying at weird times of day or in the supermarket or whatever, just sort of general lack of life direction, anything sets me off. going to counselling tomorrow, even that sort of seems to make me feel worse, like the mental equivalent of when you discover something and go to your gp and then you know it needs his help to get rid of it. never really felt this bad before.

nobody i know knows really...maybe one or two people, but not really. nobody has a clue...which makes it worse.

<3 good vibes your way

i'm sorry to hear that, Ronan. i am just an internet person, but you seem like one of the best ever. i hope things get better.

right on! count me in w/ the well-wishing!!! hope life brightens up for you soon

Very much sending good thoughts.

Ronan you are cooking and running and feeling life -- maybe a little too much? -- that is ok. Happens to the best of us. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

You may feel better after you talk to the therapist/counselor if not only because you're not carrying it around by yourself.

Crying because you feel a little bit raw and open to the elements is a thing, separate from crying because you're sad, specifically. It's weird. It means things are happening, though? That's a transition period ime. LL is right, maybe you are purging some things and opening up some things? All support and care to you.

Laurel otm. But also is there someone close to you you think you could discuss this with without being patronised or felt sorry for or whatever? Having someone know who you can talk to can make things 1000000000x better in my experience, even if you never bring it up again.

Ronan, that sounds just like how grief works itself out. I'm not sure what you are grieving, but even if it feels wretched and endless, how you'r feeling is normal in that situation.

You are the ilxor I would want to bump into on the streets of London and then write about it on the Random Encounters thread or whatever it's called. I think because you come across as a whole, real person, which can be hard to achieve on a board. I know that has absolutely nothing to do with how you're feeling - it's just an explanation for why I hope it eases off really, really soon.

thanks everyone for all the support. there sort of are people i can discuss it with, but i think i have done so to a point where i don't want to make it a continuing thing, i guess this is why i am going to this counselling this morning.

it's all prob the culmination of never doing this before and the illness i've had and stuff, even though i got over the worst part of that (mentally) i probably should have seen somebody to discuss the depression it caused, cos that sort of remains a bit.

i feel a bit better this morning but glad i'm going to counselling, i've put it off for way too long.

Hope the counselling helps mate.

I think it's important to remember that sadness and blankness, wherever they come from, are real and valid expressions of who you are. I often cause myself more pain and stress when I worry about ending those feelings than I do when I inhabit them and take some time to myself and try to work out what they're telling me.

ronan, this is a normal reaction to seeing mcshane back in the ireland jersey?

What nv said, hope counselling can help, and things begin to look brighter

There's always ... Keith foley?

it's Kevin, and god help youse if he's the answer to anything

I'd say listen to some Bon Jovi, but I guess that would make most people feel worse.

I've been reading about disthymia recently, kind of explained a lot to me.

Counselling can be good Ronan, hope it goes well...I found it much easier to open up to a stranger.

Chin up Ronan, and be proud of yourself that you sought help!

was just kind of an assessment this morning, to see if they will give me counselling, and they will so i guess i passed/failed. felt good talking even at this early stage. probably shouldn't add that the assessment counsellor was hot.

lol transference

if tony soprano had the cupla focal....

if tony soprano had the cupla focal and put on a few pounds

assessment counsellor was hot

Loss of libido is not a big issue, then.

haha...i guess not. first proper session next friday, with a diff person.

very sick of myself atm

am trying to tidy in an attempt to put my negative distraction to good use and get at least one thing done of the mountain of put-off stuff that's weighing on me. it isn't working.

i hate how self-pity becomes a kind of self-justification, after a while.

my sadness is amply demonstrated by the fact that i remembered exactly how 'ilxorres' was spelt in the title

come hang out over here

the thread title anticipates the day when a certain forlorn Chelsea striker tries to find solace on ILX.

I'm not currently sad because I did quite a lot today even if none of it was very exciting, some day I may even learn that as I feel good when I do things I should probably do things more often.

that's a hard lesson. when i am "active", even in the sense of like cleaning the house, i am often struck by how good i feel but then i go straight back to idle brooding as soon as i get the chance. behavior modification is tough -- it's not enough to know what the right things to do are, you have to implement them -- and this fact makes me sad.

nilmar, may we temporarily call you dolores?