Detail the alternate history of the McCain/Palin presidency here

Now that we don't have to worry about it actually happening.

oh gosh

Jan 20, 2009:

Battalion of pitbulls with lipstick invade Spain.

Palin "accidentally" shoots McCain in the face

with her hot pussy

</sexism>

July 12, 2009

McCain takes a series of naps

August 3, 2009

Todd Palin crashes snowmobile into White House

wait, waht

November 22, 2009

Mike Love bombs Iran

xxpost I think you meant "snow machine" there.

December 3, 2009

President McCain successfully eats pretzel.

May 18, 2009

Life is defined as beginning when a man and a woman "friend" one another on a social networking website.

May 19, 2009

Facebook adds new "partial friend deletion" feature

February 26, 2010

First lady Cindy McCain's plastic surgery snaps, face falls off during official lunch with Mexican president.

Ted Nugent - Sec'y of Interior

Owing to confusion between fark and FARC...

I can't finish this one.

McCain lifts hands above his head in salute to palin.

xxpost I think you meant "snow machine" there.

first dude crashes whatever he wants. this is AMERICA

in AUGUST?????

Shakey forgot to detail the part where the Whitehouse is moved to Nome, Alaska

due to global cooling, obv. (nature's cycles, you know) xp

snow machines make every day traditional christmas at the white house

March 2010: Mother Nature reaches that age where she no longer has said cycles

Hot flashes cause hundreds of death in Saharan region

October 2011: McCain dies. Palin delivers Inaugural Wink.

<insert inaugural wank joke here>

February 2009: Joe the Plumber shows Palin how a real pipe is laid.

I love this sitcom idea from Evan Dorkin...

Sitcom Pitch = Your Chance To Win A Book
Here's my wacky sitcom pitch, listen up entertainment industry:

McCain and Palin are elected, okay. So, we have four years of comedy right there. It writes itself. It just might write itself, heaven help us.

But anyway:

Palin wants to be President, don'cha know, so she and her staff keep coming up with plots to kill McCain in a way that will make it look like an accident. They scare him a lot "accidentally", work on his heart, slowly poison him, send him envelopes with white powder in them, try to trigger nightmares of his imprisonment, try to knock him off podiums, rig chairs and equipment to break, etc. They use her kids, who leave toys on stairwells, shriek outside his office, screw with him, etc.

Likewise, McCain is trying to bump off Palin, she's no longer useful to him and is more popular and "too mavericky" and a friggin' danger to the world and maybe his people find out she's after him, to boot. He sends her to dangerous situations and his minions try to whack her while placing the blame on terrorists and the like.

So, you have a White House where the top two are trying to ruin, sorry, run the country while also trying to kill one another. And they have to act like they like each other, ho ha ha. It's wacky!

I don't have a title for this. Come up with a title, that's the contest. Whoever has the best title (imho) wins a HOF trade of their choice (if I have it in stock and available for free shipping). And when I sell this baby to some on-line fly-by-night and make thirty bucks, you get a dollar*.

(*I'm not pitching this, or doing it as a comic, it's just a blog post, don't worry, I won't steal your title)

Title away!

Alaska Gov. Palin's daughter's, boyfriend break up

By RACHEL D'ORO – 10 hours ago

WASILLA, Alaska (AP) — The engagement is off for the teenage daughter of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and the father of her baby.

Levi Johnston told The Associated Press on Wednesday that he and Bristol Palin mutually decided "a while ago" to end their relationship. The 19-year-old Johnston declined to elaborate.

Eighteen-year-old Bristol Palin says in a statement to the AP that she is "devastated."

The two are the parents of a boy named Tripp, who was born Dec. 27.

Sarah Palin revealed her daughter's pregnancy days after being named John McCain's running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.

In an interview that aired on Fox News last month, Bristol Palin said her fiance saw the baby every day and described him as a "hands-on" dad.

The two had said they were considering a summer wedding.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iAw1T1lI9YJoKXvpomR4fYuhmnCgD96S4OB80

funny, i thought they actually got married

They would have been married had McCain won.

lolololol

lol Newt Gingrich:

Former U.S. House Speaker Newt Gingrich said Michigan should pay pregnant teenagers to take prenatal vitamins and stay healthy so the government avoids expensive costs when babies end up in neonatal intensive care units.The Republican also told state senators Wednesday he supports paying poor children to read, and the state should consider paying girls to not get pregnant.

man could the GOP get any funnier?

i'm pretty sure the place Newt's coming from is gross and probably racist, but I've often wondered if somehow incentivizing contraception and good health decisions might not be a bad idea. important note: the concern here is quality of life for mother and baby, not because of any @sshole republican war on welfare bs.

"but I've often wondered if somehow incentivizing contraception and good health decisions might not be a bad idea"

Can we just try making contraceptions and good health education freely available before we start paying people to use them?

If the gov't paid me to use contraception, I might have more drinking money.

^^agreed 100%. seems like a no-brainer for folks of any political stripe, but what do i know. Somebody should tell Newt there's an easier way.

xpost

Can we just try making contraceptions and good health education freely available before we start paying people to use them?

duh exactly. Handing out gov't cheese for not getting pregnant seems so baldly stupid on the face of it (I mean come on how easy would that system be to rip off?!)

i'm pretty sure the place Newt's coming from is gross and probably racist

^^^this too, why doesn't Newt just recommend "sterilizing the brutes"

there are preggo teens of all races

lol, Newtgenics

or am I missing some context here xp

Paying people to take care of their health, study, etc. has been proposed by a lot of people other than Newt Gingrich, there was an NYT Magazine cover story about it a little while ago. It's probably a good idea and the eugenics accusation makes no sense but whatevs

doesn't paying preggo teens to take prenatal viatmins to avoid expensive bills down the road = SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE OH NOES

Talk about a nanny state...

Every existing form of healthcare aside from eating your broccoli is "socialized". (Not that you don't know this.)

Actually, broccoli is probably socialized, too. Who's putting all this pork for Big Broccoli into our pristine legislation?!

Curt1s: no, you're point is otm. newt didn't explicitly go there in this instance, but mr gingrich has a long history of some real o_O when it comes to class/race & welfare issues. shame on me for going there for him.

so getting back to the thread topic, after the recent breakup news, i imagine the headline would be:

A NATION MOURNS: LEVI JOHNSTON, FIANCEE OF BRISTOL PALIN, KILLED IN FREAK SNOWMOBILE ACCIDENT

A NATION MOURNS: LEVI JOHNSTON, FIANCEE OF BRISTOL PALIN, KILLED IN FREAK SNOWMOBILE SNOWMACHINE ACCIDENT

fixed

did todd palin teach you nothing, jj?

Mark me down as a "nay" on that one

facial hair - i think todd led by (bad) example (lol 'prison pussy')

also, he was living proof that himbo/ kept man status often comes at a heavy price

SULLENBERGER CRASHES INTO HUDSON, TAKEN AS PRISONER INTO WEEHAWKEN

Bernie Madoff named Secretary of the Treasury

FASHION WORLD ABUZZ OVER REBA'S INAUGURATION HAT

McCAIN KEEPS WORD: CINDY ADOPTS PORTUGUESE ORPHAN

Paying people to take care of their health, study, etc. has been proposed by a lot of people other than Newt Gingrich

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! ????

i don't get it

Atty General Giuliani maintains Bush "state secrets," rendition policies

"Paying people to take care of their health, study, etc. has been proposed by a lot of people other than Newt Gingrich"

All of those people are smarter than Newt, I'm guessing.

But have they as many Amazon reviews under their belts, Alex?

Not sure. I will do a study!

See if you can get an earmark next time.

America's next president:

http://www.runnersworld.com/photo/sarahpalin/images/sarahpalin_200908_477x600_1.jpg
http://www.runnersworld.com/photo/sarahpalin/images/sarahpalin_200908_477x600_2.jpg
http://www.runnersworld.com/photo/sarahpalin/images/sarahpalin_200908_477x600_3.jpg
http://www.runnersworld.com/photo/sarahpalin/images/sarahpalin_200908_477x600_4.jpg
http://www.runnersworld.com/photo/sarahpalin/images/sarahpalin_200908_477x600_5.jpg
http://www.runnersworld.com/photo/sarahpalin/images/sarahpalin_200908_477x600_6.jpg
http://www.runnersworld.com/photo/sarahpalin/images/sarahpalin_200908_477x600_7.jpg

(featuring Russia in the background)

so hot

She's being mighty disrespectful to that flag, if'n you ask me.

i'd disrespect her flag, if you know what i mean

You should see what she did with it after the photographer left.

i would ratify amendments to her constitution

Holy crap! She's stepping down as Governor so she can start attacking that nig the current democratic president!

http://oxdown.firedoglake.com/diary/6101

Nevermind, it's on the GOP thread already. Where I try to not go.

o_O

I like the alternate history where she resigns as VP now to start running against McCain.

It's like a pro-wrestling storyline!

Maybe she'd club McCain across the back with a steel chair -- in the White House "war room"!

i'd disrespect her flag, if you know what i mean

lol'd

Aw, you bastards. I'd call her flag in a couple of days and try to let it down easy. I mean, be nice.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/09/sarah-palin-bad-mother-bad-wife-says-bristols-former-boyfriend-levi-johnston-in-vanity-fair.html

lol @ 'No, I don't want the retarded baby -- I want the other one'

Palin, he says, paid more attention to Bristol and Levi's baby, Tripp, than she did to her own baby, Trig, who was born with Down syndrome and became a symbol of hope for parents of special-needs children during the campaign. Says Johnston: "I couldn't believe it when she would come over to us and sometimes say, playing around, 'No, I don't want the retarded baby -- I want the other one' and pick up Tripp. That was just her, even her kids were used to it."

0__o

I am certain that this is mostly horseshit but I can ABSOLUTELY see that.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/10/08/people-levi-getting-ready-to-pose-nude-for-playgirl/

you don't even have to click on the link

Um...

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/10/08/people-levi-getting-ready-to-pose-nude-for-playgirl/

I halfway think this would have still happened if she won.

i love that the headline mentions people the magazine but seems to be shouting MOTHERFUCKERS--ARE YOU READY FOR THIS

WAHT, I thought the awesome free market sent that threat to heterosexual masculinity out of business.

We present exclusively the concession speech that speechwriter Matthew Scully—a Palin loyalist—had written for the vice presidential nominee, as well as the victory speech that he penned for her in the event of a positive outcome. On election night, senior McCain aides had to tell Palin several times that she would not be allowed to speak before the Alaska governor finally relented.

The clash between the McCain and Palin camps became so heated, we reveal, that McCain’s aides literally turned the lights out on Palin when she retook the stage later that night to take pictures with her family, fearing that she would give the concession speech after all.

Best Lines from Palin’s Undelivered Victory Speech:

* “And I said to my husband Todd that it’s not a step down when he’s no longer Alaska’s ‘First Dude.’ He will now be the first guy ever to become the ‘Second Dude.’”
* “Had it gone the other way tonight, we would not have returned in sorrow to the great State of Alaska. We would have carried with us memories that are forever, and joyful experiences that do not depend on victory.”
* “This is a moment when principles and political independence matter a lot more than just the party line.”

Best Lines from Palin’s Undelivered Concession Speech:

* “If (Obama) governs America with the skill and grace we have often seen in him, and the greatness of which he is capable, we’re gonna be just fine.”
* “Now it is time for us go our way, neither bitter nor vanquished, but instead confident in the knowledge that there will be another day.”
* “It would be a happier night if elections were a test of valor and merit alone, but that is not for us to question now.”
* “I told my husband Todd to look at the upside: Now, at least, he can clear his schedule, and get ready for championship title number five in the Iron Dog snow machine race!”

“It would be a happier night if elections were a test of valor and merit alone, but that is not for us to question now.”

Well, you might have cracked 10% in that case...

* “Now it is time for us go our way, neither bitter nor vanquished, but instead confident in the knowledge that there will be another day.”

Well fiddle dee dee!

Second Dude??

is First Dude title claimed permanently by alex in baltimore

wait nevermind - I'd never heard "second lady" before, just looked it up

gotcha'd by palin

I love how 'gonna' is written in there

Wonder if calling Obama a "black citizen" was meant as a compliment or an insult?

championship title number five in the Iron Dog snow machine race

Wow, number five? Maybe they should stick to doing that instead. They don't seem to be failing miserably at it.

blows my mind that palin's people thought she was gonna get to speak

Nabokov predicts Palin. Uncanny.

"Our is not to wonder why.. ours is but to do, or indeed, die. And I always remember that. I love you, USA!"

The winks were unscripted!

Meanwhile, a new amusement:

http://mashable.com/2009/11/05/william-shatner-levi-johnston-video/

“It is so bogus that society is sending a message right now and has been for probably the last 40 years that a woman isn’t strong enough or smart enough to be able to pursue an education, a career and her rights and still let her baby live.”

she's got those feminists dead to rights doesn't she

http://tv.gawker.com/5447673/sarah-palin-drops-by-glenn-becks-scary-story-hour

http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201001130039

"who's your favorite founding father"
"all of them"

Palin to address fond Tea Party crowd
http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/02/06/palin.tea.party/

VP Palin & family involved in public brawl

http://wonkette.com/559940/anchorage-pd-palins-were-present-at-20-person-brawl-fate-of-hos-weave-unknown

he would have been investigated for treason with our #1 geopolitical adversary

http://www.politico.com/story/2017/09/21/chuck-grassley-fbi-russia-trump-campaign-warning-242999

man could the GOP get any funnier?

― One of the Most High Profile Comedy Directors of the 90s (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, March 12, 2009 10:56 AM (eight years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

The radio this morning was plugging a piece on the "world's most famous plumber" turning 35 today, and how the only other cartoon character who can be compared to him is Mickey Mouse. I'm not a video game player, so no lie, I thought they were talking about Joe the Plumber. Only after they mentioned Super Mario did I recall that Joe the Plumber was already past 35 in 2008.

Donkey Kong came out in 1981, and Mario must have been over 17 to be licensed to work alone on call by then. it'd be a heck of a mustache for a teenager to achieve, so I'm gonna say he's at least 60 now.

January 20th, 2009 - Tragedy struck at 1620 Pennsylvania Avenue on Inauguration Day as John McCain slipped and took a hard fall at 11:55 am ET, on the way to the dais, causing a severe cranial hemorrhage. He was pronounced dead at Walter Reed Hospital just over 4 hours later, at 4:02 pm ET. In an unusual move, since he had not taken the oath of office, Sarah Palin was sworn in as acting President, after a 30-minute delay, at about 12:30 pm ET. Her Presidency became permanent upon McCain's death. In a controversial move, Palin immediately took to Twitter to inform America how "excited I am to be the President of the greatest country in the world".

Hours later, at 7:13 pm ET, she resigned the shortest Presidency in American history after tweeting at a standing US Senator that she should "walk in front of a truck". In an even stranger situation, newly crowned Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, only appointed Speaker just two weeks earlier, was sworn in as President of the United States. A loud collective scream was heard coming from both chambers of Congress. It is currently being investigated, but it is suspected to be the wailing of Republican Congressmen and Congresswomen.

(xpost) They must have been referring to the anniversary of the game itself.

http://www.nintendo.com/whatsnew/detail/2020/nintendo-marks-the-35th-anniversary-of-super-mario-bros-with-games-products-and-in-game-events/