Semi-deliberately puting things off until it is almost too late to do them and then you become afraid to do them and then you basically never leave your house out of fear...uh...c/d, I guess?

FOR EXAMPLE I failed at least eight classes at Boise State because I would get terribly anxious about going to one lecture or such, and then not go to three more, and get terrified at what I imagined the teacher's reaction would be if I returned after my fearful sabbatical, and then never ever go again and fail the class.

OR even just with homework: I miss one and then get this weird discomfort about completing any future homeworks and then never completing those or any other homeworks. (This is what I am struggling with right now, to do these late calc problems that are online homework and what is really stopping me is THIS form of procrastination, which is FEAR that makes little sense, even to me.)

OR or even with household tasks. (Warning: following story is gross) One time I lived alone in this studio and I had left some rice in my rice cooker on the counter. I never threw the rice away or put the rice in the fridge, and every day as it looked more and more B-movie terror I got more afraid of touching the rice cooker or even going into the kitchen. (This was two weeks before I moved – I ended up just throwing it away bcz I had developed this terrified relationship w/it & obv also bcz it was revolting to even see.)

And this is the worst: I think I killed a gerbil, at age eight, because of this phenomenon – I hadn't cleaned its cage in forever and I just felt more & more guilty, and more & more afraid to do it, so I never cleaned its cage. I think that's why it died.

wtf anyway so that's my thing

i have done this with college applications and am now finding myself doing it with grad school apps

ugh son, this is basically my life

Like basically I ended up going to college 2 instead of college 1 because I put off applying to college 1 until after the deadline. And now my GRE score and transcipts are due in a month and um I haven't taken the necessary steps. ugh.

what calc problems?

i know exactly what you mean, abbz.

I am this way with email.

there's something sickly fascinating about watching failures fester and seeing how ugly they get

wow, that is an amazing summary

I'm doing this with a big paper right now, and pretty much do this constantly.

this was totally the six years i spent at university. luckily i was *just* able to turn my guilt into action at the last minute and get things done, but instead of getting better as time went on, i actually got worse. if i started writing a paper at 12 midnight and got it in one time (which at the time would seem about as close to the wire as you could get with a paper), the next time it would be two, then four...the worst was a half-hour minute presentation for a grad course i had to give at 10 am and which i didn't start until about six AM. complete fucking torture, and i had to field questions after. this habit did cut severely into my social life at times because i would put things off all week and when the weekend came the double-motive of finally getting it done when there was no one around and paying penance for my previous laziness would kick in and i would stay home. of course i would then watch sports highlights on a loop or whatever and hate myself even more. the only upside is at the time, when you do get it in with three minutes to spare on your third extension and you're reasonably sure that it is good, is that you have that exhilaration of driving through yet another dark night of the soul and surviving, even if your hands are shaky from coffee and ephedrine. i'm just glad i got out of school when i did because it was getting really ridiculous.

xposts agreed. i think it might be the death drive acting up or something. dud.

because I would get terribly anxious about going to one lecture or such, and then not go to three more, and get terrified at what I imagined the teacher's reaction would be if I returned after my fearful sabbatical, and then never ever go again and fail the class.

i have this recurring nightmare where i've been registered for a music class all semester, and i haven't showed up until like the last class, and there's a big performance the next night and i'm completely unprepared and terrified that i'll be struggling to stay on book and follow along while everyone else has the material memorized.

My cousin rang me the other day because shes moved here and I was hoping she wouldnt bother to call cos I dont rly like her and so far I havent called her back and the longer I put it off the more it looks rude and will look lame when I do eventually call back and even then what do I say? I dont want to have drinks with someone I havent even seen in 15 years and didnt like then >:|

yeah i also do this with keeping in touch -- i'll always end the back and forth one step early and just let it sit there. so stupid. like really all i would have to write back to someone would be "yeah sure, sounds good, maybe sometime yeah" but then i don't. i also never eat the ends of vegetables and i really do think there's some weird related fear of finality going on maybe.

except here tied in with a twisted desire for destruction and a fetishizing of entropy of course.

I was thinking the other day that by not doing anything I would not be increasing the entropy of the universe & therefore making the world more ordered. Like using that as an excuse.

Kerm, you are free to do my calc homework if you want – I could send you the link.

http://www.observer.com/files/imagecache/article/files/Lapidos-ZoloftAnxiety1H.jpg

ha, you don't need my help to fail calculus. i just figure getting started is the hardest part.

xpost

http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n118/mackyfrenz/zoloft.jpg

actually, i take celexa, but you basically describe my life 19-25 before i started taking medication (i am 31).

I am on old-people-quantities of meds as it stands.

I feel like Vladek in Maus every morning. "Artie, why have you made so I must count my pills again?! You disgust me!"

well, that's a start .. i also see a therapist every week, because imagining things like what-would-the-professor-think (speaking as a teacher, i'm sure he'd be surprised and concerned, but not mean about it, as long as you made an honest effort to catch up) is one of the toughest things about anxiety problems, and you basically need someone to train you how *not* to think those things, or at least to patiently explain to you why you do, so that you can train yourself not to think that way.

it's funny because i took six years to graduate college and i did the EXACT! same thing. i was a crazy perfectionist who'd do all of my physics homework on graph paper with mechanical pencils and i'd take like 10 hours a week to do one class's assignments. and then i'd miss a homework assignment, and then that would become two homeworks, and then i'd stop going to class because i was worried the professor thought i was an awful flake, and then i couldn't face the other students and so on and so forth.

i think in all of those six years i had basically one professor who was rude about it, but because i think he had the wrong impression. actually, he wasn't rude to me, but he asked some of my friends if i thought i was too good to bother coming to class. i must have gone to a half dozen other professors, begging their forgiveness and asking for extensions or incomplete grades and they were always really understanding.

ps as a student you may be able to get free therapy at the school clinic, if you don't mind seeing interns

hai guys, i am retaking the GREs tomorrow. last time i took 'em i got in the 98th/84th percentile (math/verbal). it is four years later, i've got myself an MFA, and on the practice test i tried i got a 95th/50th percentile (math/verbal). this was two weeks ago.

did i study? no!

did i do any prep? no!

am i freaking out? yes!

is this functionally the same thing as 'losing my keys' at the moment i have to go somewhere i don't want to go? fuckyea

i'm an idiot.

It sounds as though you are actually quite smart? At least at taking tests.

I've been in therapy 4 years and I am thinking of taking a break. It's just grueling now.

/abbott'scrazylikeeveryonealreadyknew

yo HOOS if you do that now are you sure you want to go to grad school?! it will be real easy for that tendency to get worse instead of better. unless of course the kind of grad program you'd be doing has nothing to do with essay writing. but for me, it really made the problem a lot worse - i should be trying to be proactive about this user interface design problem at my work that my boss asked some of us to take a crack at - and instead i worry about it & read football blogs during down time..

anyway abbott i hear you - i'm also guilty of not getting in touch with people due to feeling regret about it & then putting it off forever. also for instance selling a pair of boots & a couple of clothing items on ebay recently and worrying so much about sending it a day late that it became about two weeks!

negotiable's first post hits too close to home. i have lots of projects due in the next two weeks and this entire weekend it's been extremely difficult for me to convince myself to actually get any of them started. and the thing about starting last-minute is that i thought it would work in theory the last time i tried it (i tend to get more stuff done when the deadline is staring me in the face) but looking over the results after turning my paper i was really displeased with the level of work i submitted, and now on top of being behind on work i'm more and more afraid of actually starting things and realizing how many more miles i have to go before i've forded these waters

also: fear of asking professors for help so late in the semester for fear that they'll be all "you're asking me this NOW??". which is a totally unfounded fear but it's one that's still there

/abbott'scrazylikeeveryonealreadyknewelse

I never had to really work hard, so I never developed a work ethic.

remy what are you thinking of going back to grad school for? sorry if this is too personal to ask on here...getting 95 on the practice test is a very good sign tho!

Story of my recent life too. Most disappointingly, I've just done this with job applications in the last couple of weeks. I became aware of the deadlines literally months ago, but just couldn't bring myself to start on the applications as I found them difficult & stressful to think about, until suddenly it was the weekend before they're due and they're still not done... I ended up doing them at the very last possible moment, rushing for, and in fact just missing, midnight on the final day.

Unsurprisingly, the outcome so far has been rejection. How do I feel? Useless and wretched, like fail personified.

Oh man I do this with all work ever. I thought it would stop after dropping out of uni but no, having a job is just the same. It's not even really anxiety in any textbook-anxiety-symptoms way, I just can't see where to start, so I don't, and with the passing of weeks it becomes the hugest most daunting task ever, and I can't remember why I can't start it but I know I can't, and the night before the deadline I'm pacing round thinking of how I'd rather hack limbs off than turn up but still not starting it, and...

Also it's taken me like three months to book a physio appt, and I told the boyfriend and he was all like "oh, at last. Have you phoned [people about something else that isn't working]?" NO NO NO PLEASE LET ME FEEL GOOD FOR A DAY BEFORE THE NEXT ITEM ON THE NAGGING LIST IS LOOKED AT.

I should probably totally not post this from work but uh. I'm ok with the small immediate tasks, so I keep myself busy with those, and there sure are a lot of those too, so I'm not JUST slacking. Er.

I do this so much...it is awful. I do this when I'm owed money and stuff...the worst. Like they owe me fucking money and I procrastinate getting it, then end up broke or something on rent day!

let's just say i'm going to be keeping an eye on this thread in the hope that someone will turn up w/a magic solution :(

(when i was at school [high school], my parents would constantly nag about how they felt i wasn't being stretched enoughm that i was coasting...and i'd be all like, look, i'm getting straight As, stop complaining. then i got to university, completely unequipped with anything like a work ethic. i still don't have one, it's rather stressful. it's the effort which it takes to start a piece of work which is what always stymies me...once i finally get started (the day before the deadline, or in some cases the day after) i'm fine, and even quite enjoy it)

one thing i've got a lot better at since university is not putting everything else off until the huge project is done...recognising when i'm veering into a rut and just going, fuck it, go for a walk or do the washing up or send the couple of minor emails which are also hanging over my head.

I might just be projecting here, but I think "I coasted all the way to college and then realized I had no work ethic" covers a significant portion of ILXors (myself included).

I'm really bad at this. I have a nasty habit of not paying bills until I get a red letter and charged fifty quid and have nasty men knocking on my door, even though I can pay straight away and it would cause a lot less stress. I've made something of a resolution in the last few months to not do this, but god knows how that'll turn out.

I always put this weird habit of mine down to the whole low-self-esteem-hence-self-destructive trait. To what extent does that description cover ilxors? (projection again, sorry)

And work is like that as well. I remember finishing a massive project that's taken about a month to write, and it was all going great, until the last couple of modules on the last day, which I had to force myself to write. Not because it was hard code or anything, I just had a overwhelming urge to put them off and do something non-productive.

I might just be projecting here, but I think "I coasted all the way to college and then realized I had no work ethic" covers a significant portion of ILXors (myself included).

― BIG WORLD HOOS. WEBSTEEN. (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Tuesday, December 2, 2008 5:01 AM (13 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i wish this was me; instead i was real ambitious up until about halfway thru college, then i got all lazy (not really lazy but more like ... wtf am i doing with myself??) and now i spend my time wondering wtf happened

DUD! the opening post here is very much me. this whole semester has been like this, staying up all day and night finishing my papers just days before even if I've had them available since september. and now I'm stuck with an essay (or what you call thesis I guess?) which is going nowhere and I'm on ilx.

the opening post here is very much me.

it's me unmedicated. A lot of bad things are me unmedicated, but that's basically a description of what I was medicated for. Not that it necessarily worked.

i am really bad at this too. worst is putting off going to the doctor until you finally decide to do it, find out they are closed on weekends and go back to having a festering problem for weeks until i finally went back in the week and found out i am not dying. fun times.

oh yeah, and the pile of books piling up to read for uni, finding a job, doing anything really. if i didn't have an excuse, then i'd add changing out my pjs.

wtf anyway so that's my thing

fear + self-loathing, I think. I wonder a lot what my problem is with finishing things, and I worry that somewhere in the back of my mind I'm half-hoping that I die before any of it becomes a problem. Which would necessitate getting hit by a bus, and yet I look both ways when I cross the street.

So I don't know.

Me not on meds = first post. Me on antidepressants = still not doing stuff but not really giving a toss either. Improvement? Dunno. Not tried anxiety or ADD meds, what with not being diagnosed as either of those.

Therapists also not much use for this in my experience as they've all had a pet theory of what is wrong with everyone, and if you say you are very bothered by not feeling able to get things done they say "yes yes, that's just a symptom, we need to focus on my pet theory and everything else will fall into place". Which is not very useful when their pet theory of underlying problem doesn't really seem to apply to you, or only a little as a side-effect.

Closest diagnosis was being scared of failing so not actually doing it in the hope that I can then go "oh, but I didn't really try, so it's not a failure" except end result is like the worst kind of fail applicable anyway, over and over again, so WHY CAN'T I STOP, or rather learn to START, dammit wah etc.

This is exactly why the IRS is trying to garnish the wages of my weekly Dj night.

Semi-deliberately puting things off until it is almost too late to do them and then you become afraid to do them and then you basically never leave your house out of fear...uh...c/d, I guess?

OMG OMG this is me about everything. this is also true with anything that involves picking up the phone

i probably wanted to start this thread like years ago too but been putting it off.

I got away with this pretty well through college until I started my senior thesis and basically just pulled a belly flop--did OK cause my prof is a good guy but I still can't think about it without being totally ashamed by it. Also doing it now at my job and constantly worrying that I'm going to be fired over it.

This thread is making me feel so much less alone, thanks everyone.

yeah i was just about to get off my arse and do something cos i was worried that i was a freak for not doing otherwise. i'll relax and continue procrastinating now

This thread is making me feel so much less alone, thanks everyone

I know! Now it's just the problems of "if so many people feel like this then why has a decade of going out of my head over it turned up no cure or useful advice?" vs "if so many people apparently feel like this and still seem to get infinitely more done than me then I really am a worthless piece of fucking shit, right?"

to me the feeling very genuinely feels like a loss of direction more than anything else -- like i seem to tie it to not knowing what i want to do with myself and my time. also, the less disciplined my lifestyle, the easier it is for me to act this way, and being unemployed has really made things more difficult

So many of these posts were ringing like peal bells that I don't even know where to begin or whether it's even worth it because most anything I Can say has been covered by this point. My experiences involved completely flunking out of college in the minimum 3 semesters and six to ten (?) month period of amphetamine abuse. Money stuff. And of course the social paranoia and useless task anxiety etc blah.

Thanks Abb for the thread, nice to know I'm not the only fuck-up round here.

I get this too and I've been helped by doing the exact opposite of being avoidant on the rote stuff like bills, which is 'deal with it the day you get it'. Most of what we're talking about here is just being avoidant, whether small-scale procrasturbation or genuine social anxiety.

I know! Now it's just the problems of "if so many people feel like this then why has a decade of going out of my head over it turned up no cure or useful advice?"

er because nobody has been motivated enough to find a cure?

My problem is the first leads to the second, which is what I think Abbott was sayin early on. xpost

Too anxious! another xpost

although, i just saw a poster on the tube about similar things, it may just be that we all have depression so really we should all go and see the doctor.

See I put it down to just Can't Be Bothered. I've been there in the past (and still do - I go through a period of about a week every 4 months or so when I really Can't Be Bothered to do anything, and get stressed about it) and it's serious. Can't Be Bothered to see anyone or go out or cook or pay bills or do work or anything, just wanting to numb yourself with weed or booze or tv or wanking, and feeling shit and guilty while you're doing it - I mean, that's harsh. Not even being Bothered to live, but Can't Be Bothered to kill yourself.

srsly see a doctor about it

And sure it's to do with avoiding stuff - but why avoid talking to people (not even socializing, just talking to ANYONE) or paying bills when you can easily afford it? There's something more here I think. I'm sure someone must have written a paper on it.

This thread is making me feel so much less alone, thanks everyone.

― chap, Tuesday, December 2, 2008 7:02 AM (49 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

^^ this. Abbott may have hit on something big here, and put it in a way that you (read: I) edit before you tell you therapist about it.

I was just telling my doc the other day about my social anxiety troubles, and we agreed that I should leave the house more for any reason at all. I've been making things up lately. Walking around with a camera, taking pictures. That kind of thing. It does help.

i know. i have this letter that i have to write and all i need to do is type this letter and post it and this will save me £15 per month.

see i can be typing this now instead of typing this but i just can't bring myself to do it and i'm coming up with excuses in my head just now about why i can't do it

ok fuck it guys i'm going to type this letter.

Haha, I'm doing the same with a couple lps I need to ship.

I dunno if I need to see a doc about it. I just need to kick myself up the arse, get some sleep, and don't be such a tit about things. It's not depression, it's laziness. Or something.

it may just be that we all have depression

Yeah but that's a common cold, near as I can tell

so really we should all go and see the doctor

What if you don't have insurance?

I mean, "go see a doctor" is not a fully satisfying answer even if you DO go see a doctor.

I get this too and I've been helped by doing the exact opposite of being avoidant on the rote stuff like bills, which is 'deal with it the day you get it'. Most of what we're talking about here is just being avoidant, whether small-scale procrasturbation or genuine social anxiety.

― Meat ROFL (suzy), Tuesday, December 2, 2008 8:52 AM (14 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

this is so key--i think i was posting abt this on ronan's thread the other day too: dealing with stuff that takes five minutes right away makes it so much harder to put off other stuff. like if i pay my bills, answer my emails, fold my clothes, whatever, it makes it way harder to put off big projects that im avoiding. it doesnt stop me--i still put those projects off--but it removes excuses

You could always get a 'hipster PDA' aka 'Moleskin hack' and manage your 'to do lists'

this thread is me, also.

when i was studying abroad i had that fear of returning to a class i'd skipped and having to face the prof's concern/irritation and the faces of the people in my class (the people i didn't know, who i'd end up working with and who - completely unintentionally - made me feel so clumsy and ugly and stupid) and i'd just sit on my bed and cry and feel rooted to the ground until it was too late to leave the house; but if I decided ahead of time that I wouldn't go and I'd some other work instead I was basically fine, and I'd get stuff done, but then the guilt would mount up. Classes where i didn't have to interact with anyone were fine, though.

I sometimes worry that I'm kind of holding out for a miracle each time - or at least to be saved; making it as bad as it can be, believing in the power of the last-minute adrenalin rush, or that if it really got horrible someone else would have to take care of it for me. But that someone else doesn't really exist.

I think that the idea is that if a task is left long enough, the anxiety of missing the deadline will exceed the anxiety of actually doing the task.

I have a nasty habit of not paying bills until I get a red letter and charged fifty quid and have nasty men knocking on my door, even though I can pay straight away and it would cause a lot less stress. I've made something of a resolution in the last few months to not do this, but god knows how that'll turn out.

I used to do the same thing. The solution is to set up some kind of bill auto-pay with your bank.

I identify with this thread mostly with regard to writing assignments -- both for school and work -- which I've always put off until the last minute amid a wave of anxiety. I think it's because I've invested so much in the belief that I'm a good writer (won awards at school, etc.), and so pretty much anything I write (apart from posts on ILX) gets massively built up in my mind. It's basically a fear of failure. I wish I could be the kind of writer who just sits down and dashes something off, but it's always a nervous struggle for me.

(xpost) But it doesn't really work out that way, because the "task anxiety" is usually about simple simple stuff, like writing a letter.

O, this is me to a T. I get mad at myself for avoiding things (with me it's not so much a social avoidance as an avoidance of necessary life management tasks). The guilt can get really bad, and I always feel SO MUCH BETTER when I finally force myself to do the things I'm avoiding. But it really requires a huge mental effort sometimes.

For me, the thing about procrastinating is not just "I don't want to do this now" but "if I do this now, I will spend even more time stressing out over it than if I did it later." Maybe the stress level is higher later, but it's over a shorter period of time.

jaymc horribly otm - i wish i could just sit and write without it being such an effort sometimes!! the worst is when you've been sitting there trying to get started (in the past this has been for DAYS) and you think about all the time you've spent sitting there, but you still only have a blank screen to show for it. horrible feeling.

do you guys know writers for whom this isnt an issue? i dont think ive ever met a writer who doesnt face or hasnt faced this problem

You could always get a 'hipster PDA' aka 'Moleskin hack' and manage your 'to do lists'

That's what my dad always says, "Make a list!" The thing is, if you have trouble completing tasks, then making a list of tasks is just shifting the burden from keeping a list in your head to a keeping a list on paper -- it's still not going to get done. It's a lot like John McCain's health care plan. I KNOW what I need to do, it's not like I can't remember. I'm not senile.

no - i felt so much better when i started talking to other freelancers about this - but sometimes the sheer amount of time wasted trying to kickstart myself is just gross and unnecessary, and at the time it seems like you are even worse than all the other writers at it.

oh yeah also! realising that you have finally gone a bit stir crazy and need to be doing something else, but you can't because the deadline is suddenly RIGHT THERE like two hours away

xp

deadlines are the only thing I can manage, timewise. I need them, and I need them to be DEADlines.

yeah, the only way task anxiety gets removed is when there's another, probably much more important task you're trying to put off and doing the previous task becomes an excuse to put off the new task.

some of that hoos-style gtd shit works, but until one of the tasks on my list is "take a fucking klonopin" aint nothing doing

i wonder if this problem is widespread across the population, or that people who tend to do this all end up on ilx.

The only time this has ever really worked out for me is when I break a big daunting task into subtasks (with sub-deadlines). I have found this does actually work for me (when I do it). Why don't I always do it then? Good question. And I think it is at this time that things like diet, routine, exercise and all those other things come in

xposts to ken: I find that to be true even in the smallest things. I do thing #2 faster when I'm using it to put off doing thing #1.

I used to do the same thing. The solution is to set up some kind of bill auto-pay with your bank.

autopay is just trouble from the other end - when you finish with whatever service and they still charge you, you'll just let them rob you each month and be unable to phone up the bank and stop it

I'VE TYPED THE LETTER!

now it's just a case of going to the postoffice and send it :\ :\ :\ :\ :|

a little bit different to stuff above but in primary school i had a big problem with this, which manifested in various ways. For instance I wouldn't go up to the teacher to get my work marked for some stupid reason, and then I'd realise that the next time I take my book to her she'd see the previous unmarked stuff and probably go mental. This happened for ages, to the point where I got my own red pen and marked my own work lol. yeah i got busted eventually.

See also hoarding my lunches at school in my bag because I didn't want to eat them, but then not getting around to throwing them out, and then eventually ending up with a bag of mould after a few weeks.

yeah i had a weird problem at school.

I have been putting off going to get a cup of coffee for 2 hours now. I should not need outside encouragement for that.

The best advice I've gotten on this is from John Perry at Stanford, in his article Structured Procrastination. I think tons of us have this problem; Perry has some good advice that I've tried to live by.

a bag of mould

Rockin!

See also hoarding my lunches at school in my bag because I didn't want to eat them, but then not getting around to throwing them out, and then eventually ending up with a bag of mould after a few weeks.

^^^^ this!

when i have posh food i tend to get really precious about eating it too, to the point similar that it'll just end up in the fridge for ages and become not very nice. this is why i only eat dirt cheap food.

haha i totally have done exactly this today/last night dudes --- the writing thing i mean holy xposts

this thread is like alcoholic anonymous for people with strong inertia

lolol ken

HA
xpost

I'd stashed a bag of all these mouldy pies on top of my wardrobe. One day I had some friends around and my big bully sister came in all shouty and grabbed the bag, spilling said pies out. Everyone, including my sis, all stood kind of stunned at what I'd been hiding.

I think that was the last time I did it though.

a little bit different to stuff above but in primary school i had a big problem with this, which manifested in various ways. For instance I wouldn't go up to the teacher to get my work marked for some stupid reason, and then I'd realise that the next time I take my book to her she'd see the previous unmarked stuff and probably go mental. This happened for ages, to the point where I got my own red pen and marked my own work lol. yeah i got busted eventually.

We had a chap in our history class who hadn't handed his book in for two years. Eventually the teacher snapped and demanded to see it. Our hero said 'No.' Then the teacher hared round his desk and ripped the book from the lad's hands.

Inside was the paragraph we'd had to copy from the board on the first day two years previously. The rest of the book was just stickmen having long-winded adventures.

The history teacher, the only man I have ever known who could grow pubic hair on his face, burst into tears and left the room. He retired soon after.

See also hoarding my lunches at school in my bag because I didn't want to eat them, but then not getting around to throwing them out, and then eventually ending up with a bag of mould after a few weeks.

I thought everyone did this. A secret stash of mould and a MASSIVE bollocking when it was inevitably found.

Inside was the paragraph we'd had to copy from the board on the first day two years previously. The rest of the book was just stickmen having long-winded adventures.

oh god I'm making huge LOL noises in the office now fucking funny

I thought everyone did this. A secret stash of mould and a MASSIVE bollocking when it was inevitably found.

WOW, and thanks, this thread

do you guys also tend to stash unnecessary things, too?

i have about 50 packets of ketchups i get from KFC that i'll never ever use.

xpost

i mean like, not necessary mould but useless non mouldy stuff

I have an estimated stash of 100+ plastic carrier bags from supermarkets that I must get round to taking to the recycling section of the local Tescos. It's probably a serious fire risk.

I wish I could be the kind of writer who just sits down and dashes something off, but it's always a nervous struggle for me.

this is a great idea, i wish i was like this too, but i think the writers who are like this are the exception, not the rule

I got two packets of barbecue sauce at McDonalds once, only used one but kept the other one in my 'work' cardigan (it stays in the office) so I wouldn't have to ask for some next time I go to McDonalds, except I'm not wearing the cardigan next time. And then I would walk around somewhere else in the cardigan and the sauce would be there, taunting me. I eventually managed to throw it away, but felt really guilty as if I was throwing actual food in the bin. There's a cupboard at home with sachets of sauce and bags of sugar and stuff which I'm never going to use.

I have been putting off going to get a cup of coffee for 2 hours now. I should not need outside encouragement for that.

Making coffee is the one thing I don't have problems procrastinating about.

x-post uh - oh, I have to edit too many writers like that who 'dash things off' - it's a nightmare.

If you 'dash something off', not only is the writing likely to be poor, but you probably haven't given it much thought and it'll be too unstructured to follow usually.

This is where philosophy training can be useful.

stickmen having long-winded adventures.

lol ilx

xpost i think the idea is (i'm just guessing here) that the writing is dashed off and perfect, etc, or close to it

I wish I could be the kind of writer who just sits down and dashes something off, but it's always a nervous struggle for me.

My best piece of writing, which I'll never throw away, was a collection of complete ramblings, none of which made much sense. There was something in the mad short story though, which I'll treasure forever.

Does anyone else use strategies to complete tasks? Such as pretending there isn't a deadline and trying to focus on the task as if it's completely absorbing or some kind of game, rather than work.

Sheer brute force to get myself off my ass. Varying degrees of success.

This is a problem for me as well.

Yesterday, I had two big projects ahead of me at work that I had to do along with my bi-weekly clean-up duty at the end of the day. Just knowing that all of that was in front of me paralyzed me a bit so I spent most of the day reading ILX and metafilter until it was nearly too late.

If I can stay on top of it, I'm all right, in regard to bills and such. But letting just one go is like yanking out one of the bottom blocks in a Jenga tower.

My mom says I'm the laziest smart person she knows, and she's probably right that it's mostly laziness but there's some hardcore avoidance in it too. This was my DAILY PLAGUE in college.

Somehow the working world has largely scourged it out of me. It's so much EASIER when my work output is actual things that're measured by an objective standard, not just words that someone else will judge.

I think at least for me the crux is the quality of the result -- I put things off when I'm going to have to take the risk of putting the work under someone else's subjective judgment.

At base, what I'm saying is that if you never try, at least you can't fail.

i've posted my letter!!!

I still haven't finished reading that John Perry thing. Or any work.

I think at least for me the crux is the quality of the result -- I put things off when I'm going to have to take the risk of putting the work under someone else's subjective judgment.

This is me 100% - dull, time-consuming but ultimately easily achieved tasks where the results are straightforwardly quantifiable I don't have a problem with.

I mean, obviously I'd still rather not do them, but I don't procrastinate nearly as much.

This is why my room is so messy my thesis is unfinished and I am on ILX

Thing is, I'm prone to fairly severe anxiety and this shit builds up until I don't leave the house for several days until whatever it is goes away or doesn't.

i'm generally a fast writer but i don't write anything "creative," just like reports for school

i have a lot (a LOT) of time stress issues but for me it manifests itself in terms of me being really early for everything, turning in assignments a week before they're due ... i deal with the stress by just getting the thing done and off my plate, which isn't always good, since i just rush through things without giving them much forethought and sometimes the "finished" version could really use more work

i've just spent like 10 minutes reading this thread (in my mind, to inspire me to work) instead of actually doing my reading. evil cycle of procastination.

i've always found it helpful to befriend motivated people who are smarter and more concerned than me who'll wag their finger at me regularly to get shit done. when i didn't have anyone like this around this summer, i just become a terrible hermit who just watched movies and drank too much whisky. xpost.

wait, are you describing my life?

like seriously i could have written that exact post.

I worry that somewhere in the back of my mind I'm half-hoping that I die before any of it becomes a problem. Which would necessitate getting hit by a bus, and yet I look both ways when I cross the street.

Hahaha whenever I am in a bad state I have a fantasy of getting hit by a car every time I cross the street.

I think if writing were taught/presented in general like it seems to be in journalism -- as a workman's craft that can be learned, rather than as some kind of lightning strike of divine inspiration. High school English may be mostly about grammar and spelling, but pretty much since then writing has felt like something you have to be OPEN to, be OPEN to the WORK, let the inspiration shine in, etc.

Most of the time I can understand that metaphor, that you do the grunt work, the practice, in order to be ready when the right idea comes to you...but the routine is still based on the inspiration coming EVENTUALLY.

well it helps that the majority of my work work is based on having to write things really quickly

Ugh sorry, that was pretty fractured b/c work intervened.

But no, srsly, I remember being so far behind in high school math that it was impossible I would ever understand math again or catch up to the class. I took copious notes and worked really hard to follow the ideas when in fact math is really hard for me, and then something happened and I stopped paying attention for maybe a week, and then it was no good. I thought, "If I died right now, I'd never have to worry about this class again" and it was the first time it seemed like not a bad idea. But then I reflected that I would also never get to have sex, so....

Anyway, when I asked my teacher if he could help me get a tutor, he said, snappishly, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS." He was the high school football coach, though, so obv my expectations were low.

i dunno, i've never ever heard of writing being taught like that. you can't teach inspiration.

you can teach the mechanics of writing, how to organize an essay or a short story, that sort of thing, but by and large those sorts of things are guidelines, not absolutes like math and stuff when you have quadratic equations, etc etc

fuck it, i am turning off my pc and i'm determined to read at last 50 pages. thank you ilx for the inspiration, i guess.

i cant speak for anyone else but w/ me its not a writing-as-craft/work vs. writing-as-inspiration problem but rather anxiety about showing my writing to other people

most writers i know have a similar narcissism where theyre desperate for other ppls attention & approval and also deeply afraid of it

by "writers" i obviously mean "most people everywhere"

I think that writing for daily output like newspapers is much more about mechanics and less about the "aha!" moment or the ART REACHING THROUGH YOU to the page or whatever other overwrought language. I mean there's a reason the phrase "workmanlike prose" exists, right?

im not worried about other people seeing it, im just embarrassed to show ppl work that ive half-assed; when i really try im really proud of my work 99% of the time, its just putting that effort in is like ugh

I think most entry-level college writing as well as public-school teaching of writing is about mechanics these days. Unfortunately the way it is taught gives very little solid instruction about how to actually craft this type of writing. Sort of asking for a birdhouse to be built, handing over a blueprint but not providing the necessary tools.

the most important factor/variable for me to improve a piece of writing=time. and lots of it.

i dunno man i look at my pleasure writing more or less the same way i look at my work writing, i.e., how can i best show off how smart i am/make other people like me

lol j/k i mean how can i best create my intended effect/communicate my desired message/make pretty sounds

yah and im good at that when i just sit down and do it -- bu thats the hard part

Ugh, this thread is painful to read. I've basically spent the last three weeks trying not to think about the stack of work on my desk, and now it's all up in my face.

Max so OTM here.

Also, deej, I think part of the problem is um... half-assing stuff than is then judged "good" and rewarded. At some point it's hard to tell what "good" really is when you didn't have work for something....

I am this way with email.

― Nicolars (Nicole), Monday, December 1, 2008 10:49 PM (Yesterday)

i have this recurring nightmare where i've been registered for a music class all semester, and i haven't showed up until like the last class, and there's a big performance the next night and i'm completely unprepared and terrified that i'll be struggling to stay on book and follow along while everyone else has the material memorized.

― battered beauties (get bent), Monday, December 1, 2008 11:00 PM (Yesterday)

I never had to really work hard, so I never developed a work ethic.

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, December 2, 2008 12:12 AM (10 hours ago)

otmness

congrats, ken!

i guess its probably different for people for whom writing isnt so intrinsically tied to how they see themselves--like as a kid i was always "the good writer" and shit and its the thing ive always gotten the most compliments about--so its really important to me and i cant really make a distinction btw "kinds" of writing since i want to be good at all of them... for ppl for whom writing is just a whatever thing, its probably helpful to learn 'mechanics' but the best way to do that is read a lot anyway

hey look at me wasting more time

favorite trick while is to reach a sentence that im not sure how to resolve, go check ilx, spend 1/2 an hour doing absolutely fucking nothing, and then coming back and forgetting what i wanted to say in the first place

reading a lot is OTM, sooooooooo important

hahaha but reading ilx is not the same as reading a lot of course

B/c I work in publishing, people are ALWAYS asking me, "So...when will your novel be ready?" and I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I'd rather shoot myself in the head. Why in the ever-loving world would I spend several years on something that is a SHITLOAD of work, and then have it be edited within an inch of its life and potentially PANNED in reviews when it only pays a pittance??

Writers have my sympathy.

we dont want ur sympathy, just ur assurance that deep down inside we are good and smart and people like us

waiting around for inspiration before you create something good never works. creating something crappy until you create something good is your best bet. giving a shit what anybody thinks of any of it is missing the point. I know I've got to create a large body of work that I'm not satisfied with in order to create the small fraction that I am satisfied with, and over time the fraction grows (right?).

i think wanting people to like you and think you're smart is totally an AOK reason to write, just as long as it doesn't become an obsession or whatever

kerm you are right

As a blanket statement? Um...I like you, Max, but that's about as specific as I'm willing to be at this point.

my posts must not be very well written :/

a similar narcissism where theyre desperate for other ppls attention & approval and also deeply afraid of it

Oh dear do I ever have this. I fucking live for a pat on the head from good ole 'teach.'

I wish there were more stories about mold and less about writing on this thread, but the latter is a bit more pressing in many people's lives.

giving a shit what anybody thinks of any of it is missing the point.

i kind of disagree with this--i dont write "for myself" you know? i right for other people, and im making a big deal about how it has to do w/ approval and feelings of self-worth and shit semi-jokingly but really deep down (for me) writing is abt communicating and engaging w/ others, and to just not care what other people think about my writing, good bad or other, is totally alien to me

hmm maybe we can extend that to giving a shit about what the right people think, and the right people here are people who's opinion you trust, who get what you're trying to do with your writing, who are open and receptive to what you're trying to convey, who have genuine and honest criticisms and respond in length, etc. etc.

I wish there were more stories about mold and less about writing on this thread, but the latter is a bit more pressing in many people's lives.

This is because we'll even DO THE DISHES to escape having to sit down at the computer....

i right for other people

lol at myself

i lol'ed--you have my approval max

if only i could get deeznuts to like me

How much of motivation to stop putting things off is related to catching hell if you don't produce?

Ugh, work.

Again, I think that when "amount of stress over receiving a bollocking for not doing the work" (inversely proportional to the remaining time before the deadline) EXCEEDS "amount of stress over actually doing the work", THEN the work gets done.

Hahaha whenever I am in a bad state I have a fantasy of getting hit by a car every time I cross the street.

^^^ the exact same.

I have no stories about mould because my main form of procrastination (apart from playing tetris) is cooking, which is v reassuring because you never have to be more than competent at it.

this was definitely me in college. I remember I flunked several classes because I just never showed up out of fear of being that person showing up who never shows up. Also was made worse by the fact that I decided to show up to my adolescent lit class after being absent for probably a month and a half, only to have the professor stop me in the middle of class and ask, "excuse me, but who are you?"

I've gotten better since then I think.

as a prof I really really really hate skipping and would love to call out those who "show up to XYZ class after being absent for probably a month and a half" and say "excuse me, but who are you?" Advise: is this a good thing to do? why or why not?

This past summer, I had an internship in Colorado that actually went really well. I even got a quasi-job offer at the end of it, for the coming May. I didn't really want the job that much, but it was nice to have it as a backup. My last main assignment was to write a white paper on the economics of future energy generation in the interior Western United States, and then to write up a 2 page fact sheet on the white paper. I finished the white paper (after hilariously massive procrastination, of course), but didn't have time to write up the fact sheet. At that point, I had such a good relationship with the organization and my boss that he was like "Don't worry about it, just type it up sometime when you get home. Take your time, just sometime in the next month or so". After I got back to New York, I definitely took my fucking time. In fact, I waited until after the semester started, at which point all hell broke loose. This semester has been awful, the worst. Finally, 2 months after the TWO PAGE fact sheet was due, I quickly typed up a piece of shit fact sheet and emailed it to my old boss. The next day, he told me that it needed revising, but "not to worry about it, just over the next few weeks." Then the Lehman brothers thing happened, and all hell broke loose. Then the economy morphed into the econopalypse. Now, my entire white paper is pretty much irrelevant, and by extension, my fact sheet, which I still have not turned in, is a summary of worthless information. I haven't called my old boss in a couple of months. I think I pretty much fucked up my job opportunity there, just because I was too lazy to type up a quick little fact sheet during the week after I got home.

I once skipped so many classes for a particular subject, that a rumour started that I was dead...

hey zach i really doubt you fucked up your job opportunity there

Advise: is this a good thing to do? why or why not?

no, because i dont think it really makes anyone change their behavior--it just reinforces it.

You don't think so? I feel like when I left everyone was like "Who is that guy who looks like a little kid? He works pretty hard!", and now everyone is like "Remember that guy who couldn't find the time to type up a 2 page fact sheet over a FOUR MONTH period of time? LOL"

Our Latin classes at school were taken by an extraordinarily terrifying woman - a teacher feared by even the most wanton of bullies.

The first homework assignment we had was to copy into our vocab book the construction of the verb 'to love'.

I managed -

amo - I love
amas - you love
amat - he, she or it loves
amamus - we love
amatis -

I still remember waiting to go to the front and get it marked but I genuinely cannot remember what happened afterwards. I think I must have suffered a shitstorm of contempt and fury, but have no actual memory of this. A head shrinker would probably find it to be the cause of every single one of my many current problems.

bro, if he keeps telling you not to worry about it, dont worry about it

as a prof I really really really hate skipping and would love to call out those who "show up to XYZ class after being absent for probably a month and a half" and say "excuse me, but who are you?" Advise: is this a good thing to do? why or why not?

― Euler, Tuesday, December 2, 2008 5:00 PM Bookmark

why the hell would you do something like that?

i mean--do the fact sheet, like, today--but theyre clearly not that stressed, so why should you be

yeah I've never done it but I've wanted to, just out of meanness I guess.

Ugh school made me feel so judged all the time. I realize having yr performance evaluated and trying again is The Route to Learning but srsly I facking hated it. Everything you say or do is being held against you somehow -- whether you're right or wrong, profs will still either like you or not like you, and your participation and etc will be graded accordingly.

At least in the work world I can fucking MAKE something. And (as long as it's well-made), no one can say, "I don't think you made that well enough" or "Are you sure that's really You in that thing you made?".

Or "I don't think you're living up to your Thing-Making Potential. Here's a guilt-trip for you, to help you HATE IT MORE NEXT TIME."

or not meanness, but just trying to show them and the others that it's uncool to skip my class

I guess I should get over it, but *I* feel rejected when they skip on me, even though my classes are super highly evaluated by students and hard to get into

A head shrinker would probably find it to be the cause of every single one of my many current problems.

you never learned how to love ;_;

I guess I should get over it, but *I* feel rejected when they skip on me, even though my classes are super highly evaluated by students and hard to get into

if your goal is to make yourself feel better i say go for it, who cares

realize having yr performance evaluated and trying again is The Route to Learning

there's a fair amount of debate and reform about this ... getting feedback on performance is central, but evaluation is not.

as an example, imagine working in a subway sandwich shop. on the first day, you make a bunch of sandwiches, some sloppy, some nice. what would be useful feedback from your boss? would hearing "you're the worst sandwich cook ever" be helpful? or "you're a really great sandwich cook" help you learn? it would be better if your boss said "i like how you cut the bacon really thin" or "if you hold your thumb against the tomato it will help you cut them straighter" or "too much italian dressing, two shakes will do fine".

too much of school is evaluation - "you're a good student" / "you're a bad person" - rather than feedback - "improve this by doing this, keep doing this in this certain way, it is useful".

lol it's not my main goal but teaching isn't just some kind of service to others, the teacher is still a person with flawed desires etc.

or not meanness, but just trying to show them and the others that it's uncool to skip my class

sure, but wouldn't a private conversation be better? isn't that a bit like standing up in a restaurant, asking for everyone's attention and then chrewing out your wife/girlfriend in front of everone.

the obvious answer - because as a very human teacher, i sometimes get annoyed with students and chew them out in front of everyone - is that saying it in front of everyone generally rules out a response from the student, which gives you an easy out if you're worried about a response like "i'm being a jerk because your class is boring" or "i'm being a jerk because i missed a grade of school and i don't understand anything"

Thank you ilx, I just did 53 pages of reading I was supposed to have done a couple months ago. I am only about 30 pages from the end but I be hungry.

Euler - I have had lecturers do the annoyed 'who are you? why are you wasting my time by not showing up' thing and it didn't work, it just made me feel 2ft tall. Best approach from a students point of view is little reassurances that hey, turn up and you'll get a better grade + hey, everyones bloody unemployed now so turn up and you'll a) kill time b) learn something c) be in a better position to get a proper job when the world isnt in the shitter. etc. etc.

(I am going to make a nice cup of tea.)

as a prof I really really really hate skipping and would love to call out those who "show up to XYZ class after being absent for probably a month and a half" and say "excuse me, but who are you?" Advise: is this a good thing to do? why or why not?

tbf i would consistently skip any lectures that i felt were a waste of time and if a prof had called me on it wouldve told them so. obv not the case for everyone but i think many students do some kind of mental CBA about attending class.

xpost how is not attending a boring class being a jerk??

i honestly dont think the prof who asked who i was was trying to call me out, i think she genuinely had no idea who I was

this reminds me of my ex boyfriend who had an incomplete in a literary theory class or something from his undergrad days (this was in 1999); he was always talking about how he only had to write ONE paper to get the course completed and graduate (finally). I still keep in touch with him. He completed the paper only this year.

Ugh the most boring/incompetent teachers always grade down for missed classes -- I always felt like people who threatened to downgrade for skipping were basically acknowledging that they were failing to give you any other reasons to come to class.

Laurel OTM.

A lot of journalists and writers enjoy a symbiotic relationship with avoidance issues, moths to a deadline-shaped flame.

My assignment-writing MO goes:

Do the interview.
Esprit de l'Escalier: whoa great interview, yippee will write all THESE things OMG they said WHAT?
Consider transcribing
Consider transcribing
Fear and loathing of transcribing
Transcription: OW MY HANDS gah gah gah
Meh/eat/tea x 1000 percolation about What To Write - could be at least a week of this shit...
OH SHIT they need it in THREE HOURS and it's 2000 WORDS
Inner diatribe about the hurry up and wait-style holding pattern everybody kept you in for a week before, cue indignant procrasturbation entitlement/choom gang membership renewal
MMM, adrenaline! GO GO GO
FINISH LINE: editor inbox, exactly to word count, ping!

The Scooby snacks I get from editors who do not have to change a word of my copy make this rollercoaster hard to pass up. ARGH.

Fiction or long-form work is different: I'm very secretive about it with family. My mom kind of gave with one hand and took with the other with her opinion, depending on how compliant she thought I was being at any given time and one guess when she thought I sucked? YES when she was pissed off. I've always had specific friends to show things to, also teachers would ask to see contents of high school novels and if I liked them I'd allow it. BUT it takes a hell of a long time before I reach that point.

even when i hated the instructor i never skipped class in college

my parents have a friend who came 90 days away from graduating from princeton, decided he didnt want to take a pottery class that was satisfying a requirement, and peaced out

i had a prof who had a policy that you automatically failed after 5 missed classes. After my 8th or so missed class, I realized I was fucking screwed so went to that class and never missed another day until the end of the semester. I GOT AN A, SO WHAT A LIAR.

college profs who have super strict attendance policies are cooorrrrnnnyyyy

xpost

S/he admired your comeback skills.

my most hated college prof took attendance EVERY class and called our names and made us raise our hands and say here or some such shit

this is reminding me how much i hate school

i am crazy for going back next year

my ex who needed that one paper to graduate never wrote it ;_;

teaching university is so simple re: attendance: "you're the ones PAYING to be here -- dont't show up if you don't want to. if there's a participation mark it will suffer, and your paper will probably read as 85% bull and not addressing the questions in the way we've talked about. don't come! why would I care? it's your life/money/smoked-out brain."

i actually find this attitude is conducive to good attendance because it reminds students that they're adults who have (already made) a choice, and suggests that there may actually be some intrinsic value to the class itself in a way that a more punitive approach does not.

yeah makes sense. and if no one shows up the professor can just have coffee instead, the check comes either way.

yeah in my experience the profs who gave that speech were just as annoying. if you really want to treat me as an adult, assume that i understand why regular attendance is important and the consequences of not being there.

Ugh the most boring/incompetent teachers always grade down for missed classes

i had a differential eqns course where 10% of your grade was dependent on attending these completely worthless classes. i never went and so instead of getting an A i got a B+. i had to spend about a month fighting with my prof and then with the dept arguing that penalizing ppl for making rational decisions about how they spend their time is insane. i finally got my mark adjusted i think just becuz they were sick of dealing with my tracy flick bullshit.

this post is brought to you by ppl with completely different but equally crippling social and emotional problems than the one the thread is about

same way to get first year students to stop being disruptive/immature: ignore them, lead an engaging class, get more then half the class on your side, suddenly troublemakers feel immature & without momentum and on their own start to get involved. easy.

haha your advice is basically "how do deal with troublesome students: be an amazing and experienced teacher"

i refuse to read this thread because i have an exam tomorrow and even seeing it on the new answers page is giving me heart palpitations

and not addressing the questions in the way we've talked about.

This kind of thing is part of the problem, what about addressing class topics in ways you DIDN'T talk about?? When there's only one section of that class and you maybe don't have a choice about which prof you get, class content can be really limited. The REAL cost of going to a small private college, maybe?

Anyway, sorry, not the point here! But kudos, Vahid -- your ed theory always makes so much sense.

srsly, you posting that made me scroll up to read---vahid on education is always great

O that cycle of suck. You do look arrogant for half-listening and skipping classes. I was too embarrassed to talk about how I felt that it really became a dark, dark spiral for me. I'm still figuring it out.

I wish there were more stories about mold and less about writing on this thread, but the latter is a bit more pressing in many people's lives.

... as for a story about mold:

I once put off putting half the contents a large pot of soup away. I kept saying, I'll do it later... eventually something else traded places with my anxiety and I forgot about this pot with the soup. Eons later I was cleaning stove and thought to myself, "oh, that pot looks dusty" and opened the lid...I nearly passed out on the floor.

Thanks Mom for the really good pots and pans!

i was this way about the end of my college career. I'm going to try to fix that in the next two years since it's a shame I don't have my degree and only need to finish like 3 units. I used to be this way about bills, etc, but it gets very sticky. I still kind of have this habit though; I did it with a freelance gig recently, partly because they did not endear themselves to me by failing to pay me for the first part of work I did, but also partly because the work just got behind and I was terrified to get back on top of it.

Someone wrote,

"and if no one shows up the professor can just have coffee instead, the check comes either way."

but that's not true, if your classes get a rep as being skippable then this is going to show up on evals and your chair will see it.

I don't think the students who skip my classes (btw we're talking usually 5 out of 50 a day, not that bad) do so b/c it's boring---I work really hard to make them fun and worthwhile. They skip b/c they've got a problem, and I was wondering if there's anything a prof should do to help with this---or if there's anything any authority-type figure should do to help those with this. Or should it just be a matter of "let that person work through it for themselves, for better or for worse"?

This kind of thing is part of the problem, what about addressing class topics in ways you DIDN'T talk about??

that's not to say that a student can't come up with something out of left field in their answer, if it's good and convincing + novel, that's where the A+'s lie -- but i often found with students who never came to class a fundamental ignorance of the very terms under discussion, the reasonable points from which the answers can depart. even in a creative writing class, there usu has to be some adherence to ideas and methods that have been dealt with i'd imagine, since you're showing not only that you are smart, but that you can learn specifically the things the class aims to teach. if you write a good essay that happens to be adventurous and your teacher docs you on principle then yeah that would suck.

yeah in my experience the profs who gave that speech were just as annoying. if you really want to treat me as an adult, assume that i understand why regular attendance is important and the consequences of not being there.

that's what i meant, pretty much. but with the added allowance that it may take some students longer to get settled into that realization. i wouldn't make a speech anyways.

Or should it just be a matter of "let that person work through it for themselves, for better or for worse"?

i think there's a happy medium where you can encourage students to come, maybe one on one, without creating the destructive antagonism that needn't be there. but also remember that if they don't want to, there's nothing you can do. some just don't come around, so to speak. /obv

This is because we'll even DO THE DISHES to escape having to sit down at the computer...

i did the dishes about six times this past weekend and i was the only person in my apartment for three days!

i just wrote out a schedule of how many pages i want to have written of all my papers in the next two weeks starting today. this has helped me a lot in the past because it forces me to remember that yes, i do have to do some work and no, it can't be put off until another day

i'm procrastinating on something right now and trying to read this thread quickly so i can GTD, but the thread just keeps reminding me that i'm procrastinating. i feel like barton fink.

NO NO NO PLEASE LET ME FEEL GOOD FOR A DAY BEFORE THE NEXT ITEM ON THE NAGGING LIST IS LOOKED AT.

hahaha i'm like that sometimes. although when i'm in the zone re GTD, i want to do as many of those nagging little tasks as possible, because once i'm out of that zone, it'll take god knows how long to get done.

another reason for you to not do your shit: what does GTD stand for?

actually, while i'm here, what about TL;DR?

get(ting) things done

too long; didn't read

ilxors in procrastination shockah

when I was in college I would stop going to classes all the time. my transcript is a patchwork of A's, B's, F's, and withdrawals. this had nothing to do with my aptitude or interest in a subject, more with my inherent lack of constancy.

one that sticks out in my mind is "introduction to myth", an awesome class with a great teacher. eventually I stopped showing up and didn't submit the final paper. at the end of the semester I went to see the professor and he asked where I had been. I told him "I'm just feeling kind of lost." when I got my report card he had given me a completely undeserved C. I guess he recognized a kindred spirit because the following semester he had a nervous breakdown during a class and retired.

12 years later I went on ADD meds I was able to finish college with straight A's, graduated first in my class, etc. so there's hope.

one of the most frustrating things about grad school classes was receiving pretty much the same grade regardless of whether i turned in work that i felt proud of or work that i thought was lackluster. professors have really strange reasons for grading things the way they do.

thank you sir (xpost).

ms.

1 in 5 young adults has personality disorder
By LINDSEY TANNER – 19 hours ago
CHICAGO (AP) — Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.
The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.
One expert said personality disorders may be overdiagnosed. But others said the results were not surprising since previous, less rigorous evidence has suggested mental problems are common on college campuses and elsewhere.

This is why I am UEK and probably always will be.

a hoy hoy, for ref:

Getting Things Done (GTD) - Cult or Awesome?

I couldn't swing it, esp since HOOS lost his moleskine once & just the awareness of this would give me endless anxiety dreams.

Speaking of acronymicons – what is UEK, Mr. Rags?

Under-Employed KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGZ

I have been afflicted by this, and will probably always be intermittently.

The thing that has helped me get over it is the just baseline mantra of "Its always worse to wait for something to get worse."

Solutions abound from that understanding.

Fortunately, medication has not seemed necessary.

I, uh, put off reading this until it was the last window open on my desktop. Thanks this thread, I thought it was just me.

Get this though - the reason it took me so long to get to it is that (for once) I was actually working hard to finish something that I've got to do on Friday. So now I'm in a vortex of dread because I've got the opposite problem - what the hell do I do with myself in the meantime?!

Fortunately, medication has not seemed necessary.

a lot of people i knew in college took adderall to help them focus on their work (almost none of whom were actually on a prescription for it). i'm...less than keen on the idea myself

caffeine is my self-prescribed ADD drug of choice. except i can't get anything done until i've had it.

i'm tempted to sack off my admin job and just sign on benefits for depression or something. if the gov pays my rent, then i shouldn't be too out of pocket.

o shi wrong thread

problem w/ caffeine (which is also my drug of choice in these matters) is that sometimes it makes me really jittery and i have a hard time focusing as a result

hello

in lolcollege and going through this right now
I'm writing a paper that's due in 6 hours

seriously considering Provigil

tried GTD list making, it worked for like 2 days! and now i am sat looking at a list of things i was supposed to have done today and meh...

Ha my GTD fell apart once school ended. Once I lost the central organizing principle of my system I just had a bunch of stuff floating around with vague deadlines that I didn't bother organizing into discrete lists.

Generally during school a GTD'd moleskine would last me 2-3 months before it was full, but I've been using my current notebook since June and I've still got 30 blank pages.

notes from last semester:
@phone
-call leasing office to reserve clubhouse for 6/27
-make appt for marlowe
-call mom re: court advice
-call dad re: wii followup

Most recent 3 pages of notes:
-trash
-clean desk
[blank page]
-clean litter box
-trash
-feed cats
-exuent trash
+grocerybags

that second list is the saddest shit ever

I keep doing that in my appointments diary - a huge A4 day-to-a-page one.

23/11 - Take out rubbish
28/11 - Take out rubbish
03/12 - Take out rubbish
(...)
08/12 - Take out rubbish

I'm having a bit of a meltdown about my thesis in my room. All I can do is ilxor and listen to this

not this fucking thread again... I'm in the same spot ^^, my deadline is this month and I haven't really even started on it. every option feels like a lose situation right now

lol deadline for school #2 next thurs + gre tomorrow

ugh son, this is basically my life

― Ringtone Tycoon (The Reverend), Monday, December 1, 2008 10:37 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark

yep, me too. I tend to do this (in general, but esp.) with regard to cleaning. My girlfriend and I are living in different cities currently, but I figured I'd do a full-scale top-to-bottom apartment-cleaning session in anticipation of her return for the holidays. When it comes to this sort of thing, it's all or nothing for me, so this process involved the gutting out of closets, the reorganization of shelves, etc. I had finished the gutting process & had moved all of the living room furniture into the dining room in anticipation of cleaning the carpets in the LR, when I had a file error on a project I was working on & needed to spend the next 36 hours redoing that, which then left me with 0 hours to finish with the apartment. Then the holiday whirlwind hit hard, my girlfriend came and went (she could really care less about the apartment, so much as the bedroom and bathroom are relatively sanitary, and we spent next to no time at home anyway..), and here I sit with a wet/dry vac in the middle of the living room & a kitchen full or end tables, book shelves and such. I know this is stressing me the fuck out on an unconscious level, so I guess I should just buckle down, huh ILX?

not this fucking thread again... I'm in the same spot ^^, my deadline is this month and I haven't really even started on it. every option feels like a lose situation right now

Me too, word for word, although my "deadline" is just to have my proposal turned in. The other thing hanging over my head is applying for jobs.

zach did u ever clear up that thing from above about the fact sheet

tonight I make a list. xmas is over.

Hey wow I'm not the only person who does this shit

I have that horrible feeling in my stomach but I keep procrastinating.

http://www.observer.com/files/imagecache/article/files/Lapidos-ZoloftAnxiety1H.jpg
― moonship journey to baja, Monday, December 1, 2008 11:26 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark

I miss deadlines. My goals have gotten vague and ridiculous and I just remembered I made a list last week, while under the influence:

GOALS
JANUARY
Continue exercise habits
(novel) attack, full force
Learn SQL & apply it in a useful fashion
Website expand

FEBRUARY
Learn the piano
Start band "Laser Eye Steve and the Glasses"
Start running

MARCH
Invest

There's also a corresponding list of monthly "theme songs" in .MOD format. Jesus

I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS ANYMORE. My inspirational quote is "No happiness is possible as long as what we do is not in agreement with what we believe" which I'm probably mis-quoting but what the hell.

fuk u dudes im worried about paying my rent

Yah, me too. And I have to move like ASAP.

my thesis is due in first draft tomorrow and I have a chapter and a half to write.

im a terrible procrastinator. altho i find when im happy... i still do the same shit. takes a lot of concentrated effort to reverse my ways.

like for instance now, i have to do notes for something tomorrow, but instead of doing them, im wasting time on ilx.

Oh no, here we go.

Progress made: 0%
Ideas on how to start: 0
Vague ideas on things that would be nice to include eventually: 3, all too vague to implement and also mutually exclusive
Days left: 2
Estimated days required: would be 5+ at normal human work rate
Headaches acquired thinking about it: 7000
Sleep last night: down 25%
Thoughts of leaving country unannounced and never coming back: every 17 minutes
ILX refreshes: constant

project/assigment, marriage proposal or building a house?

Work project. New career building houses probably not advisable.

Q: How do you eat an elephant?

A: One bite at a time.

Just sit down and start to do what you think will be the easiest part of it to do. Then make a cup of tea, and do the next bit. And then the next bit. Getting started is always the hardest part, and then momentum takes over.

Make sure you keep a checklist of what you're doing and cross stuff off as you finish it, that's really satisfying and helps you keep going.

much research involved/available/to be done? found myself in this situation last week, but tbf had a large bundle of notes passed to me with six hours remaining. which helped.

The most useful thing I've found is to learn to not kick yourself for what you haven't gotten done. Shame and anxiety are part of the cycle that make you procrastinate, so you have to learn to say "Ok, I didn't get all of my reading done for tomorrow. I'll go to class and the sky will not fall in on me and I'll get it done for next class," etc.

Shame cycle definitely OTM. Breaking it down also OTM but my whole problem is that my brain goes too fuzzy to see what the individual steps are. Will try to make a list or at least identify some easy bits though.

Went for walk, which was no more productive but slightly headache-easing. And now...

how's it going?

i find there's a weird subterranean link between putting things off and horniness. which is why i hate trying to get things done at home - cuz that's the place where, if left alone, i get horniest. sometimes srsly can't get a thing done till the inevitable wank.

(hope i didn't kill thread?)

if that was your way of turning all the procrastinators away from this thread: A+

I think probably some of you are leaving out how your massive pornography addiction contributes to your lifestyle of procrastination.

if that was your way of turning all the procrastinators away from this thread: A+

aw didn't mean to. maybe they'll Get Things Done then?

man lately it was at the pt where if i didnt accomplish what i needed to my eye would start twitching no joke. just loading ilx w/out having sent out a job app yet for the day made me practically lose it -- i figured out i was much happier if i did what i needed to. pretty impressed w/ my body's unconscious "get it together brah" twitch

I don't think porn "contributes" to procrastination, it's just one of the varieties of procrastinatory experience.

I sent 55 fucking resumes out this weekend though. 55 FUCKING RESUMES. NON-PROCRASTINATORY CHEST BUMP TO SELF

http://img2.travelblog.org/Photos/23331/98344/f/642718-Vultures-eating-Elephant--Buitres-comiendo-Elefante-0.jpg

I havent done a tax return for four years. Luckily they owe me money, and like WTF, I WOULD GET MONEY but ugh numbers and bills and paperwork and it makes me want to shoot myself.

I find that, as far as my procrastination goes, I'm really only ever waiting to get caught. I procrastinate a lot of my deadlines for this sideline writing gig, and they're really lax with their deadlines...so if they're not asking for my stuff, then what the hell, I'm not doing it...until they ask and then I drown in guilt and self loathing, like I'm setting myself up to hate myself. Ugh. Such a basket case. I don't do it so much with my day job, but this sideline gig, I push it way too far.

no grad school next year

I think probably some of you are leaving out how your massive pornography addiction contributes to your lifestyle of procrastination.

I deleted my porn collection (80g!) about a fortnight ago, and it's amazing how much more I get done. It's not just the wanking, it's the fact that you can't be bothered to do anything afterwards cept watch panel show reruns.

IT BEGINS :(

I deleted my porn collection (80g!)

damn homie!!

like i don't have 80g worth of info on my entire computer!!

congrats tho glad u gettin more shit done that's to be 100% commended

80g's a lot of children man!

And porn is addictive in the sense of you never having enough. You'd think you only need so many videos of people having over-enthusiastic sex, but there you go. Coupled with the bog-standard collecting impulse your collection can balloon. If a video is 300-400mb, that's only about 200ish videos. Which is still a lot of porn, I grant you.

In a remarkable display of replacement, I've managed to start playing Civ 4 again this week, and my productivity has gone right downhill. But at least I'm not wasting babies, that's gotta be worth something.

Having a good wank is not to be discouraged, but it does lose its charm when you find yourself doing it for no reason other than you can't think of anything else to do. I'm as guilty as anyone, I guess.

Instead nowadays I redesign my linux desktop background and color scheme over and over. It's still a tweaky and OCD and useless thing to do, but it's not as dull as porn has become to me.

I've discovered I can play with iTunes for hours

Totally. I apparently love to make about half of a great mix CD, go to bed, then never finish it.

At the moment I can't be bothered to look for my degree certificates and transcripts, even though I need them pretty badly...as I saw this "PAID!!!" studentship on the information behaviours of healthcare managers (yeah, sounds a bit dry, but I'm okay with this sort of subject) that I could do, I'm pretty sure of. Instead of looking, I am reading comics and Edgar Allan Poe whilst listening to Within Temptation, in the vain hope that the whereabouts of the certificates will flash into my mind. It doesn't bode well really.

one wonders if The Creator created the Universe as an act of procrastination...like He was really supposed to be doing something else...

"the Big Wank"

so basically it goes like this; I moved into a studio about two months ago hoping to hash out a load of paintings Ive been thinking about for some time. But what with that being a short time and also the studio being far from my house which is silly really and work and having a lot on my plate I really haven't done a whole lot in there except for some drawings. Only thing is there is this curator coming tomorrow to talk to me abt this group show that I'm guaranteed a place in bc of this collective I'm part of, and the show is part of one of the largest and best regarded arts festivals in the country (though the record for visual art is not so great, galway is a theatre town) but really I have nothing to show this guy and its pretty fucking embarrassing, and if it wasn't for the fact that its too good an opportunity to turn down I would pull out bc, well. But knowing this guy is coming has paralysed me extra hard these last couple weeks especially.

But yeah I am a massive fuckup.

hey thanks for all the support this worked out great btw

shit didn't see this at all, sorry. not that i'd be much good to you or anything.

how did it go, really?

ha, thanks man, but yeah this actually turned out to be me really making a big deal out of not a whole lot, but i couldnt deal w/ it so I just didn't show but my friend i share the studio with said the curator guy came and apparently recognised the stuff I had lying about anyway, handed out a passage from Genet and said he wanted everything in the show to be in black and white and then went to the doomstep show in a gallery he was organising.

well that's about as good as a no-show meeting could have gone really!

Sorry, I was going to post later on but you know how it goes. Glad it worked out well, even if I suspect that might not've been the textbook way to get through this.

i kinda enjoy those situations when drama built up in your head is just some routine 'meh whatever' for the person you were sweating over.

Or the other person has totally forgotten what they asked you to do originally:

prof: "Ah, snoball, how is the work going?"
snoball: "errrrr... well... You recall that you asked me to do XYZ a couple of weeks ago? Weeeellllll I sort of..."
prof: "XYZ? I don't remember anything like that."

yeah im hoping that this is something im gonna learn a lesson from but im kinda worried this is not the last time i will pull shit like this

ime it's only when i don't get away with this kinda thing that i actually learn from it tho.

painful truth

experience is something you get just after you need it etc etc

yeah im hoping that this is something im gonna learn a lesson from but im kinda worried this is not the last time i will pull shit like this

yeah i am currently in a bad habit of doing this and then it working out OKAY - you would think i would not do it in the future just to avoid the constant sick anxiety, but somehow that experience is not bad enough that I learn from it. (Nor even the eventual miserable moment when I break and then have to ring someone up and pretend to be ~forgetful~ when i've actually had the damn thing a lead weight on my mind for months)

oh god, this thread-title

it IS descriptive and kind of accurate, though.

nono it's TOO descriptive and accurate

you forget I have 2 weeks to do an entire MA project

get crackin' then!!!!

aaaargh but it's almost too late

ok I'll do what I can

What's the project? Just post a suitable question & let ILX write it for you.

it's not written, it's a 15-minute radio piece that involves interviewing people, preferably climatologists and bird experts

you ain't gonna find anyone like that here, dude.

I know. I need to bite the bullet and zap off 10 emails, like, now

haha yeah, this thread title describes my life btw

i could be a bird expert on the radio if necessary, how much research is the prof gonna do into your sources?

I have gotten over this, a little bit.

How does one get over this? (PS if you really know you should probably go and make $$$ writing selfhelp books and not tell ilxors for free, but this is something of a recurring pattern of my life)

ps sorry plax, saw your post but did not reply as I know nothing about the ways of ~ART~, glad it turned out ok-ish in the end

Years and years of therapy, medication, hard work, introspection, willingness to change/try new things, and finding some people to project hatred onto that aren't me. Plus some unknowable factor.

Not that I'm like prefect now or anything.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I AM NOT A FAILURE I AM NOT A FAILURE REPEAT AFTER ME NOT A FAILURE

DO. THE. WORK. NOW.

but what if he in fact, is a failure

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Not that I'm like prefect now or anything.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/ba/David_Dixon_as_Ford_Prefect.jpg

:D

(xps) I have some hatred and some introspection and I've been on meds to no general effect, it is the hard work and willingness to change that kick me in the guts with their absence every day. Oh well.

(Though could really do with a better choice of people to hate. Just cannot stand my new coworker for combining cheery announcements of ignorance of the basics of what we do for a living while actually having a degree in a related subject like I dropped out of + actually being able to get complicated shit done promptly despite coming in late and leaving early every day. Meanwhile I'm in the office more than anyone but mainly I am refreshing ILX because I feel sick to death whenever I think about work and somehow manage to coast by not thinking about work until the last minute without any major bad consequences, yet. ugh)

Good luck LJ. Now go and email at least one bird expert and don't come back on this thread until you can tell us you've done it! Or something. (Yeah, that didn't really help, did it? Sorry.)

I just emailed one. I'm about to email some more.

Well done!

i don't think it's necessarily a bad idea to put a shout out to ILX, just in case someone here has actually achieved something worthy in real life though

otoh it's quite likely you're just wasting time being on ILX to begin with

wait a minute, acoleuthic is l0u1s jagg3r?!? get yer ass in gear, son!!!

lol display names, eh?

get yer ass in gear, son!!!

Seriously, get shifting. Don't be like the guy I knew at university who re-took his final year three times, then quit with a month to go and went back to live with his parents with absolutely zip to show for 7 years.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

(have emailed a few people now)

That's a good start – do any other necessary prep/research while you're waiting for a reply. Two weeks remaining is not the point of no return, but I reckon it's damn close. Like people always say to me, "Get crackin' McCracken!" (This might work better if that was also your surname.)

employ a nagger, j@gger

You don't want to end up as a supermarket bagger, J4gger.

Don't be a dragger, J4gger.

this issue/problem is one of the reasons i got an iphone tbh! and it has seriously helped my life - the idea of sending an email pops into my head and rather than going through the whole cycle of waiting for 'right moment with a computer' or whatever the fuck a 'right situation' is, i just send the damn email. or look up the reference or write the notes for a work project, etc etc. technology in the fight against anxiety a++

Sometimes I sing PROCRASTURBATION to the tune of Cliff Richard's 'Congratulations'.

have been intending to watch yojimbo for weeks and i'm rly too tired but i gotta see this fucking film

nice title sequence

FOR EXAMPLE I failed at least eight classes at Boise State because I would get terribly anxious about going to one lecture or such, and then not go to three more, and get terrified at what I imagined the teacher's reaction would be if I returned after my fearful sabbatical, and then never ever go again and fail the class.

I did this and it fucked me up sooooo much

when i didn't go to class (which was often during my freshman/sophomore years) and flunked, it was just because i didn't feel like going (or was too stoned/drunk, which is kind of the same thing). i didn't have the anxiety thing as a reason to not go -- but different people and all that.

I think I was a little more share-y in 2008 than I am now, but what can you do.

Ok, maybe not – but I think, to anyone who thinks ILX is like a conversation in a bar or whatever, just talking to ppl – the quintessential difference here is the conversation can be dragged up, in its entirety, at any point in the future, to be reviewed again and again. Not that I don't embrace all my wonderful failures!

i know that TOO well, abbott.

my deadlock with procrastination goes like this:
a) ah, i feel like shit, too busy writhing in anxiety to deal with this right now
b) ah, i feel great, no worries, will deal with this later no prob XD

seems i can only really get things done while in that sweet spot where i don't feel too much either way, just kinda cruisin

i have this thing. makes me not do stuff. used to see it as a semi-charming character quirk i would soon overcome. now see it at an inescapable death sentence. no damn good...

no end in sight.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

on the upside, this room has never been cleaner

:(

this is the worst, but thankfully i'm not in too much of a spiral atm

oh this is me again today

can't quite remember why i was putting work off, feel like i was waiting for a decision
but even if i go ahead now, i can also not quite remember, well, what the hell i was doing

zuh

xxp hey at least you can tidy your room! i have to put that off indefinitely as it generally involves uncovering unopened letters that i should have dealt with 6 months ago. (also am lazy as fuck.)

Kind of amazed I hadn't already posted on this thread. This is exactly what I do with everything important in my life, and it's why I'm turning 27 in just over a week without having ever had any semblance of a social life or any kind of relationship whatsoever. I kept thinking "oh, I'll figure out this 'not being terrified of other human beings' thing later, but right now I really need to hide in my room with the lights out,'" and here I am with two abortive degrees, no friends, and no idea how to fix things.

TT, I can't remember, didn't you say earlier that you were working on getting professional help?

rilly wish I'd work on my dissertation rather than sitting around planning to work on my dissertation as soon as I've finished watching Come Dine With Me / having my millionth cup of tea of the day / reading every topic on ILX.

oh, ledge, you see, i put all the unopened letters/bank statements/pieces of vaguely personal paper into a box so i can deal with them later. maybe in a year or something. i dunno.

this should not be so hard, why the hell do i not have any will power.

I did exactly what was described in the orig. post. I was just bad about going to class, I always convinced myself if I missed one that I couldn't catch up, and teachers were notorious for saying "are you ok, why weren't you here" in the smaller classes.

I got a 0.75 one semester. almost lost financial aid, but the school had a forgiveness policy. graduated with a 2.4. I'm not dumb, just lazy as HELL.

xps to myself I also wish my awful friends wouldn't rub it in my FACE by being all 'woop finished my first draft' in their FB statuses when I've written about a quarter of a first half-draft. Awful awful friends.

I'm 41. I married the first person that I ever had a serious relationship with. I met him at 23, six or seven months after I lost my virginity (my fault--I was frightened of penetration). I've dropped out of college three times and been ordered to drop out of nursing school by the staff. I'm a ten dollar an hour home health CNA. All of my friends are online. Get professional help as soon as you can, TT. I'm what you'll be in the future if you don't.

rilly wish I'd work on my dissertation rather than sitting around planning to work on my dissertation as soon as I've finished watching Come Dine With Me / having my millionth cup of tea of the day / reading every topic on ILX.

These daily Channel 4 Come Dine With Me marathons are killing me. The flat is even getting cleaned like it normally would.

cleaning as a way of putting off Important Things That Need To Be Done is unbelievably classic. cleaning right now.

cleaning is very often one of the things i'm putting off, just on a lower level of importance.

prior to being hitched, my double bed was half-filled with cds/dvds on the side where my sig. other should be. she freaked the first time she saw it.

that is very close to disgusting savagery, but being just one step away from it myself - my piles of stuff on the bed are thrown onto the sofa when it's bedtime - I don't have much room for judgements.

i think it was Chris Rock who once said it best, that men are basically all disgusting slobs until a woman comes along to clean em up.

stuff without organic content can't be factors in slobbery or disgusting savagery imo. as long as you keep it to things that aren't biodegradable, you're just 'untidy'

oh there was food remnants too, altho usually just the containers

hate to bust yr bubble, san te, but i've done the 'half the bed taken up with books and cds' thing in a single bed, for months at a time, and am female.

food remnants on the other hand is just plain foul

i think w/ me it was also a product of being depressed, then i also realized taht a clean room=feeling better about oneself

don't hurt when smeone's there to force it out of you too

cleaning as a way of putting off Important Things That Need To Be Done is unbelievably classic. cleaning right now.

― dyao, Monday, August 9, 2010 9:31 AM (32 minutes ago) Bookmark

see also: cooking

i have basically been cooking/cleaning/tidying away the hours of the last week or so, trying not to study. now i really, really have to and am sorta panicking

stuff without organic content can't be factors in slobbery or disgusting savagery imo. as long as you keep it to things that aren't biodegradable, you're just 'untidy'

― "It's far from 'loi' you were reared, boy" (darraghmac), Monday, 9 August 2010 14:48 (17 minutes ago) Bookmark

full disclosure is that I used to sleep with stuff all over the bed till my appalled ex convinced me over time that it was disgusting savagery.

see also: cooking

i have basically been cooking/cleaning/tidying away the hours of the last week or so, trying not to study. now i really, really have to and am sorta panicking

at least when you flunk out, you will have at least gone up several levels as potential dating material

This is the kind of thing where it is very easy to advise other people on what they ought to do (i.e. "cop yourself on and do the things you have to do - NOW!") but very hard to actually follow your own advice. Sigh.

cop yourself on tho! classic advice.

I'm getting professional help and medication, but that's nothing new. I've had nothing but professional help since I was about 12 and that's gotten me precisely nowhere.

to elaborate a little bit on the school thing- I got kicked out of college (the first time) for failing one too many classes under the most embarassing circumstances possible. I was having a lot of sleep problems, staying awake for days at a time and then crashing at inappropriate times, and this led to a lot of missed classes. Standard 3-credit classes met three times a week, and missing five was grounds for an automatic F. I missed four and got called to the dean's office to explain myself _during a scheduled class period_ and was too scared of authority/human contact/etc to actually let my professor know about it in advance. This was the second-to-last class of the semester.

I think I have just done this thing w/r/t getting pregnant. Kind of a downer.

so this year i had the chance to matriculate and finish coursework that i didn't finish last year because...well, because i procrastinated too damn long. the deadline for all the work i still have yet to finish is this week.

i'm nowhere near done, and bar my taking off work, i likely won't be by the end of the week, so i'm probably gonna blow this chance, too. except this time i'll get failing grades instead of placeholder incomplete grades. and i'll probably lose the trust of everyone who was willing to give me another shot, which for both personal and professional reasons is Really Not Good.

and so naturally i'm posting on ILX about it. gotta keep digging!

might be worth taking off work

yeah, my plan of action tonight might just be stay up til godknowswhen writing

the most frustrating thing is i never used to be like this? i was insane about turning all my UG work in on time, and my second year of my MA that all just completely went to shit

I can't believe I never saw this, this was basically my college strategy for two years.

Do a last ditch effort at the homework, tell myself I would cram up on studying with the next one, then tell myself I would study my ass off for the next test, and then get to the final and barely eke out a passable grade

I blame my somewhat miserable life circumstance on this, though I know it wasn't really the reason. It's a handy regret though.

take off work and get it done. it will be a few long days of misery and then it will be done. you can do it. by the end of the week it will be done. it won't be your best work but it will do and then you won't feel bad. if you don't get it done you will feel bad for longer than the few bad feeling days it takes you to do it.

...i've written ten pages since my last post O_O

I can be guilty of this - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-handicapping

go donna!

I'm marking the papers of aspiring fashion journalists and it's like stabbing my eyes with pins. Of course, I could've had it out of the way two weeks ago!

Sounds like the 3rd circle of hell. What is the writing of people NOT good enough to be fashion writers like?

i have this problem so bad and just recently i have been thinking very hard about it and trying to work on it. i make excuses not to do things that i actually want to do and like doing! it's awful. this week i have exercised even though i thought i was too tired to, and yesterday i got to work on time even though i didn't need to. i'm going to try to do that this morning too. these are big steps. i've even been thinking about reading a self-help book about the topic, if i get around to it :)

i also worked on spring cleaning this past weekend and i made progress i did not think was possible! it was surprisingly satisfying

Well, I'm doing the marking on the students' 360-degree peer reviews of each other, which are filled with assertions of perfectionism on the part of the authors... and zillions of spelling and grammar errors.

put off posting here for too long, hope it's not too late *throws up*

grading papers is classic activity for this
i should know -- i do it EVERY WEEK
i love my students, so i don't like to disparage them, but their arguments are...difficult to follow. argumentative papers are the worst.

my solution so far has been to (1) isolate (no internet) (2) time myself (3) mark, then start at the beginning and grade once i'm done marking/commenting, and (4) always listen to something far out

And can I help that whiny POV on assessments makes me think less of the writer?

i have this problem so bad and just recently i have been thinking very hard about it and trying to work on it. i make excuses not to do things that i actually want to do and like doing! it's awful.

Me too. I've done this my entire life and it's really a big problem. I push things to the very last minute and then wind up getting overwhelmed and paralyzed and not doing anything until I absolutely have to. Things usually get done but on a last minute sort of manic high and I kid myself by rationalizing this behavior with the "I work best under pressure" excuse.

Things I'm currently putting off

1) Two big work projects that need to be done by tomorrow
2) Mountains of laundry
3) Investigating car insurance
4) Buying a Mothers' Day card/gift
5) Several major life decisions
6) Art projects

I'm always conscious of this behavior and will go through periods where I actively try to change it and that will work for a while but I always seem to go back to this. This problem contributes largely to why I sort of suck at being an adult.

Things usually get done but on a last minute sort of manic high
me too, big time
my rationalization is that i enjoy the post-finish "ha, i got that done, damn right" high so much that i will wait for it

which is totally absurd and not a good idea

ugh son, this is basically my life

― Ringtone Tycoon (The Reverend), Tuesday, December 2, 2008 3:37 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i'm sure i've posted on this thread before, suffice to say that nothing's changed since

i am awful like this...trying to change. i do get some stuff done i guess. but many things fall by the wayside. i suppose that's life.

I can basically take my post from last year, cross out "27" and sub in "28". Still no friends, no life, and a job that makes me want to die.

so apparently removing the concept of time has helped me somewhat with productivity issues - i have actually covered up all my timepieces, not looking at my cellphone, etc., so i'm not constantly looking at clocks and feeling that awful timecrunch feeling when you're like NOOO I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET X PAGES DONE BY MIDNIGHT

good work & keep going, donna rouge.

thanks, estela :)

i did another ten pages today. why can't i be like this all my life?

The combination of a) having full internet access at work, ii) being chronically underworked for a long period of time, and 3) my already existing tendencies in this direction, have made it impossible for me to concentrate on work for any period of time. I'm looking at some code, trying to understand and fix it, and I just cannot spend more than 30 seconds looking at it without having to switch back to my web browser. This is insane.

ritalin

that was last thursday here. it goes away. there are times when you're just not in the mood (and coding is something that requires a mood). is there something else, something mindless, you can be doing?

editing his hosts file to block most of the internet perhaps

It would help if my work were marginally more interesting and slightly more urgent.

give the variables interesting names.

this is poisoning my entire life

im the warren beatty of this shit

is there anyone on this borad who behaves like a sensible adult and gets shit done?

i certainly don't.

well, not in a timely fashion.

obviously anyone getting shit done is not wasting time on this borad.

is there anyone on this borad who behaves like a sensible adult and gets shit done?

― ledge, Thursday, May 5, 2011 1:52 PM (40 seconds ago) Bookmark

we have one big thing in common beneath all the disputes about race, music, and bar etiquette: we spend a lot of time talking shit on the internet with strangers. so im going with 'not really'.

unfortunate truth bomb
if i didn't enjoy procrastinating so much, i would not be posting about "should i go to this show in three weeks?" or "check out what i've done with tilapia!" or w/e

when i was little, of all the fancy placards and embroidered samplers and cushion covers etc. that people like my old aunts would have in their cluttered houses, my favourite one ever was a card on someone's windowsill that said, 'little snacks, bigger slacks' and my least favourite was a framed sampler that said, 'lost: one golden hour, studded with sixty golden minutes. no reward is offered, for it is lost and gone forever.' it filled me with precognitive dread, it was like reading an embroidery of 'baker st'.

x-post totally

I think that these people do exist but I doubt you'll find them here.

Oh I sort of got the car insurance stuff taken care of yesterday so at least one thing almost done. Progress!

I do this, horribly, mostly when I have some trepidations about the thing and how it will turn out. This has been the year of facing up to that shit, though, and it seems to be going okay.

Ask me again in two months when I don't have anywhere to live....

http://nedroid.com/comics/2011-02-18-beartato-morningmotivation.png

^^ Me irl every morning and every time I nap which is p often.

i suffered from this in education, but my job has pretty strict daily deadlines. it's just boring admin bullshit like checking invoices against a supplier's contract or sending routine emails, but it all has to be done asap usually. i can't really procrastinate, if we had week-long deadlines i'd be fucked.

it does sort of hold me back now, because it takes me forever to start things like learning to drive, getting in better shape, applying for better jobs, etc.

i blame my easy-going, liberal parents. if i'd had a "tiger-mom" i'd be an amazing success now, honest.

so i managed to get a 25-page paper done in something like 60 hours, which i think is some kind of record for me. and the other lingering work will likely be done this weekend.

there's still the matter of whether or not my advisors can read the work and grade it in time, which is what has me nervous. just gonna tell myself that things'll be much better by this time next sunday and hope that'll see me through, i guess

good on you for getting your paper done!

totally do this all the time, least sexy form of self-destruction ever

donna, well done, you are nearly there, and your supervisors will want you to get through so they will help you i'm sure. :D

yay donna rouge!

yeah I do this all the time - but the thing is, even if I was super-with-it and got all my shit together and did everything ahead of time, I'd be rewarded to a long stretch of... posting to ILX. there's no reward! the game is rigged.

I can't believe I never saw this thread. Hi this is me too, I would like to join yr club.

I have freaked myself out so bad about late or looming writing assignments that I lose sleep and give myself sour stomach to the worst degree...and then when I get it done, even late, I'm alwasy like, oh shit that wasn't so bad I should do it ontime next time. But no. At work i have done it with some minor tasks here ans there and then spend weeks convinced my boss is having meetings about me and freak myself out so bad that i guilt myself into finishing whatever i out off, even if it is ridiculously late. And in a way, my self loathing actually enjoys being confronted about it by others, because then I can be all "See? you do suck. Told you so."

But the thing I've been learning recently is my imagined consequences of screamings and beatings and punishments of childhood nightmares just don't eventuate. The consequence is never, ever anything like what I imagine...and it's finally, slowly sinking in that it's only me who wants to punish me, and not my boss, or spouse or friends or whoever.

Not to say I've overcome this by any means. Hello giant laundry pile. Hello medical checkup that I don't want bc I am unhealthy and don't want to know. Hello writing project I put online that has now stayed 2/3 finished for over a year.

Hoo boy

i'm really feeling this idea of not constantly looking at the time

Yeah that is pretty genius, Donna

Friend of mine has a final due next week and said yesterday, "I need to finish it tonight because I don't like leaving things to the last minute". Oh how I LOLd.

And then you punched them, right? :D

man so I am going be taking a four day trip in shanghai in june and I had called the hotel that was recommended to me by a friend about two months ago, to make a reservation, but they told me they don't book that far in advance. and I just called them today and they're all booked out for june

d'oh

Doesn't sound too much your fault that one. Short of you phoning up e everyday to see whether they'd started taking bookings/were booked out yet. (Who doesn't book that far in advance? Is that common?)

Actually, I know the answer to that question. I don't book that far in advance and so always struggle to find somewhere.

I feel the thread title suggests things more like putting off a school project for so long that by the time it needs to be handed in all you've got is a front page saying THE STUARTS and nothing else, and feeling there was no other option but not to go to school and instead either hide or pretend to be ill and then this starting a two-year skiving binge because you can't bear the thought of having to explain yourself at school and the prospect becomes so frightening that you construct a whole web of lies about why you can't go to school (mysterious illness) which mystifies doctors and in the end social services are called in and no one quite trusts you for years after. eg.

hit the nail on the head

haha well the thing was I had called them about 1 1/2 weeks ago, they seemed to have availability then, got prices. asked around to confirm that it was a good price, and then just put off calling them back and sealing the deal.

anyway, it's shanghai, I'll be okay. but it's annoying to have to wade through travel websites/friendsourcing to find something else

so this year i had the chance to matriculate and finish coursework that i didn't finish last year because...well, because i procrastinated too damn long. the deadline for all the work i still have yet to finish is this week.

i'm nowhere near done, and bar my taking off work, i likely won't be by the end of the week, so i'm probably gonna blow this chance, too. except this time i'll get failing grades instead of placeholder incomplete grades. and i'll probably lose the trust of everyone who was willing to give me another shot, which for both personal and professional reasons is Really Not Good.

and so naturally i'm posting on ILX about it. gotta keep digging!

― spätzle logic (donna rouge), Tuesday, May 3, 2011 7:36 PM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark

oh yeah btw i FUCKIN DID IT

killed that albatross and made some delicious burgers out of it iirc

congrats donna, that's one helluva feeling iirc. when you are victorious over your weaknesses I mean - suddenly the whole problem of putting things off is nothing and you are all-powerful - 'I can do anything!'. it's almost worth the pain.

I seldom do this anymore fwiw.

I like to think I've knocked it on the head as well. Tho sometimes my kitchen can get a little uncivilised.

aaahh I can't get started on my homework

I mean it is for an optional evening class which does not result in any meaningful accreditation, so it is a different league from not getting started on paid work, or not getting started working on university work, or etc

but as a university dropout who is terrible at getting shit done at work, I was quite enjoying learning something so unimportant that I didn't stress myself out of doing the work, and yet, here we are

aaahh

this thing just gets worse and worse and it is paralyzing

oh look i posted on this thread a year ago about how i was trying to get better

the last time i went to a counsellor about this she said one thing you can do is write down all the preliminary steps that you have to do in order to get the thing finished, the ones which aren't really the thing itself but take a lot of time (e.g., i dunno, finding the telephone number you have to call, formatting the cv you have to send with the cover letter you can't write). And then you do those things, because they're not the thing itself so they're doable. And then it's easier to do the thing itself because you these extraneous things are no longer part of it.

obviously this would work better for me if it did not terrify me to write to-do lists (because those mean facing all the things i have not done)

prob just as well i don't have much to do

I don't like to-do lists, but it has helped me to make doable lists, stuff I know I can get done, so you get to crossing stuff off and doing things and work up to the harder things. and then break the hard thing into parts...

but don't make a big long list of everything, you may as well just flagellate yrself instead, lol

I guess that's sort of the same though, idk

yeah i used to be a decent list-maker. i would make a list for every day of the week when i was in law school, or just make one for the weekend, and i would actually do most of the things on the list. but now if i try to do it i don't do it right. i make the list of everything i need to do and it looks so overwhelming that i can't do any of the things. or if i make a small list i still don't do any of it and it puts me off the whole idea of list-making because it makes me feel worse about not doing what i'm supposed to.

http://image.allmusic.com/00/amg/cov200/drd200/d284/d28440ldp8h.jpg

the last time i went to a counsellor about this she said one thing you can do is write down all the preliminary steps that you have to do in order to get the thing finished, the ones which aren't really the thing itself but take a lot of time

hm, that could work! in my experience telling a counsellor anything like "I am a perpetual non-starter of tasks and it frequently makes me sad and angry at myself" just results in them saying "ah but no, that's not important, first we must find the underlying problem which just so happens to be the anxiety I wrote my thesis on which you have never thought you might have"

(shakes fist at universe)

I sometimes find to-do lists helpful but I need there to be at least 2 easy tasks which need doing before I can even contemplate writing the list. And even then the easy tasks will probably expand to fill all the time I should've spent on the difficult tasks. And then I'll feel so pleased with myself for having ticked two things off that I'll just think, eh, I'm being productive, no need to worry too much about the really big thing, yet...

if it helps, maybe share what the 'big thing' is, and maybe some ILXORS can help you look at it from a different angle, try and hack it down into smaller, manageable bits?

oh, I don't currently have a big thing (though I may soon as a coworker has dumped something on me, and she's the kind who is really snide/huffy about everyone else's work not meeting her ~standards~ and what terrible agonies this causes her, which = extra anxiety), but this thread is the repeating pattern of my life, so I always click on it when it gets bumped

(stands back to let people with a current "big thing" talk)

Always a good way to begin a big life-altering plan:

step one: make a salad
step two: eat it
step three: look wistfully out a window
step four: begin to creep up on thinking baout the task
step five: wonder where to begin, as it seems overwhelming
step six: locate a piece of paper
step seven: locate a writing instrument
step eight: look wistfully out the window again
step nine: write "write a to do list" on the paper
step ten: ask ilxors for aid and assistance in writing a to do list

I think I'm someone who got a LOT better at this in the last few years, but it's hard to say exactly how.

In general I think I've been able to take on this kind of "jumping-out-of-a-plane" approach to tasks, like when I have to do something I go , "ahhh...ahhh...fuck it here goes ARRGGHHHHHHH!!!!"

Examining the underlying anxieties and emotions is one thing that helps -- not ruminating, but just a quick "Why don't I want to do this task? Because deep down in an admittedly childish sort of way I am actually really fucking angry that I have to do it. And I acknowledge that I am angry, but I also recognize as an adult that doing it benefits me and not doing it harms me."

This was my hell in graduate school, struggling to finish five incompletes.

This is pretty much the fear that caused me to do really mediocre my first couple years of college. There were enough long-term deadlines and "catch-up" points that I would be too frozen to do any solid work for most of the semester and then I'd grit my teeth through crippling anxiety at finals time and then feel guilt about how I didn't properly work on that class. It's only in the last few years that I've really figured out how ridiculous this all was.

Bleeeeaching bathroom floor b/c I haven't washed it in months and I'm having company soon. Embarrassingly, I had to take an entire day off from work to get motivated to wash this bitch.

due to ilx I swiffer my bathroom all the time now

I feel your pain on the long stretch of motivation, though. My clothes are an unorganized mess in my bedroom and I really need to organize and move them to start my next renovation project but I do not want to and it's overwhelming.

sounds like weird psych 101, but my motivation has been a little better this month -- I got a big writing assignment and for a chance I started working on it right away, instad of hiding it away for 2 weeks. And I started feeling so good about doing that, I felt more clear-eyed about the depressing state of the house, and cleaned a LOT this weekend, way more than I normally do. It's like one thing feeds the next thing. I hope I can ride it out for a while, it's a nice feeling for a change.

Usually I leave my assignments to the very last, have sleepless nights about angry phonecalls from my editor, and then stare balefully at my dirty house thinking, I deserve this. And fuck it, it's going to stay that way.

It's allll connected maaaan

i'm on prescribed steroids at the moment for a crohn's-related thing and this problem has COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED. but! i'm only on them for just long enough to deal with all the crises the problem had already created and then i have to be me again, so i'm frantically trying to get acclimated to accomplishment before the drugs run out. in the meantime though our kitchen sparkles.

"one thing feeds the next thing" is otm and goes both ways.

never did ring back that cousin i mentioned upthread. Never heard from her again. PROBLEM SOLVED!

But with other things, I just mutter to myself "start something and then finish it, start something and then finish it" while I wash/hang out my clothes, vacuum, get my exercise done, actually go to that Social Occasion I promised I would, etc.

And yeah so otm about one thing feeding the next! I never really thought upon that as much as I should, but it is true. You start to get that glow of achievement and then its

http://sarahpainter.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/responsibility12alternate.png?w=595

my wood floors are so shiny that i was walking in socks and slipped and fell yesterday

i am at maybe-this-really-will-get-me-fired levels of putting shit off

a friend of mine came in late one night after his wife had Pledged their floors (but seriously who does this, so bad for wood floors)...he's walking down the hallway in his socks in the dark, slipped over, went ass over tit and broke two fingers.

I felt bad but lololol

Yeah I once stupidly Mr Sheen'ed the wood hallway floor (its WAX polish wtf was I thinking) and for weeks I was sliding all over the shop like Brian Boytano.

I used to Pledge our old crappy dining table and I'd get some on the floor occasionally, later on walk by the table in my socks with a glass of water and do the whoooaaaaAAAAohhh

btw that method almond floor stuff can leave things a little slippy, too

gotta admit, slippy is fun though

You know what makes floors really dangerous? Spraying them with spray starch.

^^^ OTM

danger will robinson

this is literally the worst thing, and i get worse at dealing with it and not better as i get older.

do you do drugs? this stopped for me, at least in terms of really major things or even medium positive things, around the time i cut way back on doing es.

My wife does this with some things and she's never been anywhere near ecstasy. As it were.

yeah i've found different people have different experiences.

That's a bullshit.

Is this related to that thing people do when they stop shaving until a large task is completed?

it's, like, a personal message to me that this thread is at the top of new answers when I'm only here to put off the work I need to get done IN THE NEXT HOUR.

he said, writing a post instead of fleeing.

it's kind of amazing how easy it is to spend a few hours, a day, a week, a month, ..., permanently on the cusp of finally getting started on something that needs to be done.

i just dropped an online biology class because of this

I was the master of this during college. I really should have understood that I was mentally ill or had an anxiety disorder, really.

Step one: do a mediocre job on an assignment or be late in turning it in, as you were otherwise busy or procrastinated everything and ran out of time.
Step two: next week, feel really guilty about it, try to do this week's work without really having had a handle on last week's, which you really want to return to and study what you did wrong until you understand it, but...
Step three: Overwhelming sense of dread
Step four: Finals come up, you have the weight of all these loose ends over you, and you just hope it goes ok and you can pretend to forget about the crushing anxiety and guilt. When not studying, depression and anxiety are bad enough you are hiding in bed ten hours per day.

Rinse, repeat, and have occasional guilt and anxiety attacks about that course for the next year or so.

(note that I am, thankfully, no longer this person)

i guess i still am so thanks?

get help now

I said that a little too quickly -- I mean, if it's really that bad, don't live that way! It doesn't require much more than a shift in perspective or a difference in viewing when something is "done" and you can get a sense of closure. Some things are never really done in life, but so many really are to the extent it's not worth dwelling on the others.

I mean, you dropped your class, that is a much more decisive action than I was capable of at the time.

maybe these things we hate doing and put off doing aren't actually worth doing?
tax season coming up.

exactly, "done" can mean "I have chosen to never do this activity"

life is disgusting and horrible, why do anything ever

I never it

whenever I read about people with ADHD or tremor disorders miraculously enter states of deep concentration when playing video games or performing complicated surgery, I feel like these aren't impaired people at all -- the world is just boring.

i have this problem so bad. a few things i have improved, like work stuff. sometimes i force myself to listen to my voice mails NOW and stuff like that.

my life :(

"get help now"

uh... how do we do that again? when I was officially clinically depressed and in the few years afterwards I would see doctors and counsellors and psychologists and my number one complaint would be basically this thread and they would all be all "never mind that, let us discuss some other problem that isn't even bothering you" so here I still am (although less of the hiding in bed, now I just hide on the sofa's internetty embrace)

i don't know how i could be helped, i don't have faith in it. occasionally i believe i can just take things one by one and get used to doing them NOW.

sometimes I have good days or weeks or even longer and I think "hurrah, I am fixed now and am finally a productive adult member of society" but then the next thing rolls around and I'm back to my old bad habits

I suppose I need to work out what the psychological difference between the good tasks or the good weeks and the bad ones really is

(or just get better at pushing on regardless, but that hasn't really been happening so far)

i hate how it's like i know i could make this better if i would be rational and just fucking do the stuff (like clean up after you make dinner) and not let it pile up but my brain is not working like a brain

oh yeah this includes not returning library items. i used to be obsessive about not being late to the library. i would walk there at night if the thing was due. recently i didn't return something (out of storage, no one was looking for it i'm sure) for like 4 weeks. now i have a dvd you have to pay a fee for i didn't return last week. the thing is i never even get to watching or reading these things. i used to be a consumer of books and movies and now i just move them from one building to another and back.

i have sort of been getting exercise lately but i have to talk myself into it

i know it should be fixable but i haven't figured out how to fix everything. at work i am required to manage my own stuff and there are severe consequences to putting things off. generally i am able to do that. i have a google calendar full of deadlines and i look at it several times a day to see what i could be working on. i calendar things within a day of getting new deadlines. that seems to work. it's where consequences are not that bad that i let things pile up.

i hate how it's like i know i could make this better if i would be rational and just fucking do the stuff (like clean up after you make dinner) and not let it pile up but my brain is not working like a brain
― veryupsetmom (harbl)

otm

c'mon, be a brain, brain (moran)

haw i just finally emailed something i had to email yesterday, server timestamp 23:58

i'm doing this volunteer work that i actually feel really strongly about and its genuinely really interesting and exciting for me and i just keep not doing it. like explaining it to myself rather than ever allotting time for it, i am constantly embarrassed by how long its been since worked on it last and how it needs just so much relentless work and then i burrow further and further into the most anxious part of my belly.

I get the boosters boosting, I get computers semi-deliberately puting

I deal with realizing it's not a matter of "wow, I am transformed into an adult human now" but a matter of vigilance. I mean, you don't hear people with diabetes saying "wow, I have shit worked out" and then throwing out their test strips and insulin.

As for the dishes in my sink, I solve it by prioritizing. Can I live my life and still have my dirtbag things I put off? Sure. Do they eventually make me feel bad? Yes, but I have a two part routine -- I follow it by going shopping for some foods I'd want to cook, coming home to see the dirty dishes, and roll the positive energy into cleaning them.

Also, drugs help.

I mean, it's not a fact of having faith in being helped per se, it's the idea that you have to change. If you are prone to depression, it's not "the time I was clinically depressed," it's "I have to keep shit level or I will lapse into this." Sometimes, maybe most times, it can't be avoided and you have to go the difficult routes. But I've reached the point where I'm realizing I'm self-enabling anxiety all over the place and have to get the hell out.

tbf I never had a handle until I saw several people completely self-destruct in front of me, and it nearly happened to me. As in, they lost or had to quit their jobs, broke their relationships, and nearly died.

I feel I've been a dick to those who are chronically depressed or anxious and have had little respite. Sorry, all.

I find myself relating to a lot of this, particularly with regard to creative stuff and the anxiety that entails. I feel like my creative output(if I can rather pompously call it that) has been totally negligible over the last few years, and it's almost entirely due to the paralysis that results from having ideas for things but no willpower to actually see them through.

For example, I have this blogging idea I've been toying with for the last two years - as often happens, I was really enthused to begin with but this soon turned into gloom at the prospect of having to produce updates on a regular basis. So it was effectively stillborn before I'd even finished writing the first post. Periodically I find myself loading up my blogspot page and looking at the still unpublished post, and sometimes I think "This isn't so bad, I could do something with this." And then I get distracted by something else and it just sits there in blogging limbo for another six months.

It's partly the whole thing of "If I start this, I know I'll just give up so why even start, etc" but also partly guilt that this is not the sort of thing I should be spending time on instead of doing practical things like looking for jobs. But most of all I really, really don't want it to suck. I think what someone said up there about being desperate for validation, but also terrified of it at the same time is spot on. If I were to share what I've been doing with people I like/respect and they weren't interested, part of me feels like there wouldn't be any point carrying on(er, I mean with the blog, not life). I mean, I know it's ridiculous to get so precious over a stupid blog, but still I wouldn't be able to stand knowing I'd done a half-arsed job.

how do you feel about tweeting vs blogging as a low-commitment, less-fraught-with-personal-investment compromise?

re: library return anxiety, my buddy has the world record of not returning a netflix disc. at a certain point it became a bigger achievement to not return it and not watch it.

Hmm, tweeting has never really done it for me - it doesn't scratch the same itch that longer form writing does. I always feel like a bit of a sham when I try and tweet, like in comparison to all the people I follow who are consistently witty and clever, I'm the annoying kid at the grown-ups table going LOOK I DONE THIS LOOOOK

i have a netflix problem too. i do watch the streaming stuff though.

i'm about to start doing some cleaning but every weekend i "start" cleaning and never do it. wishing myself good luck.

i keep trying to think of the best cleaning plan, like front of house to back, or clean 10 minutes a day, but i need to just do it and not think about it

i've been trying the 15 minutes a day thing, but that 15 minutes gets soaked up by things like the washing up every other day so it never goes anywhere.

i need to do laundry but most of the machines in the laundry room i secretly go to are broken and i don't want to walk a whole 3 blocks with all my clothes and find that out. this is fucking ridiculous what my brain does.

i'm having this thing where i signed up for satellite dish tv and it just never works, like most of my channels have at some point stopped working and have never come back on, and i called them about it once months ago and they said i had to pay them extra to have customer service and i said that was stupid and didn't really pursue it because i barely even watch tv anyway but i'm paying for it as part of a phone-tv-internet package every month and i feel like a sucker cos it's not working but don't care enough to know how to navigate the weird phone call where apparently you're supposed to tell them that you are threatening to quit their service even though you have a yearlong agreement with them and will be penalized? and i do want to switch services but don't really even know how to set that up because i don't want to pay cancellation fees + a week or two without internet would be an actual problem for me, so i guess i will just wait out the thing now, and so i guess i've been paying directtv for a few months of tv service that literally just doesn't work out of social anxiety at this point, and will just continue to do so for a few more months? dammit

i'm signed up for a service that has a person deal with phone trees and endless wait times as well. if you'd think it would help, I can gift you one of these tasks, and they can take care of it for you (well as much as a third party can anyway)

I have anxiety disorder, only one psychiatrist in my life has gotten this right. I mean, I panic in crowded areas and places with a lot of yelling. Only thing that helped was ambien - new doctor took that away. So I said "fuck these people" and quit trying. The doctors I see don't listen to me. One told me to cut down on coffee. Last time I had an attack I went go the emergency room, I didn't see a doctor. The CNA said my problem was that I stopped medication (which doesn't do shit for panic attacks. Now I'm in trouble....I'll never get the mess that work because the accumulation of so much bullshit - especially professionals who don't listen - I am afraid of psychiatry. If you tell them this they write you up as "paranoid". These people can really screw up lives. It's as if they all collude to prescribe the same medication for everyone. Bullshit , when do the suits start with all the misdiagnosing going on.

hi

http://images.45cat.com/abba-thats-me-rca-victor.jpg

I am being such a flake about replying to an email from an old friend, hating myself so much for leaving it so late, feeling sure they'll hate me for leaving it so late so I need a v v good excuse which I don't have so I need to put it off some more until I've thought of one, etc

the unanswered email was an invitation to an event (still in the future but probably now long past the date when final numbers were needed) which is totally setting off my social anxiety and shame at my terrible self, but every time I start to write "sorry I can't make it" I hate myself some more for wimping out and then go back down the loop of yes-but-no, thinking of all the overwhelming possibilities, and also how presumptuous to write that I'd like to come as if it were not surely far too late to say so, etc

("etc" includes further logistical complications which exist at a difficult intersection of my and my bf's anxieties)

Semi-deliberately puting on masks after it is almost too late to do that and then you become afraid to do that and then you basically never leave your house out of fear...uh...c/d, I guess?

I had to scrap my car in April this year.

Because I hate phone calls I didn't immediately cancel the annual insurance on it, but instead put it off, of course.

I initially didn't realise that if I did cancel my insurance I would be rebated for the unused portion of it, but even when I did, as per the thread title, I didn't phone them until just now when the renewal is looming. At this point the rebate I'm due is less than the policy cancellation charge, so I actually owe them money. Having told them that I no longer have the car, they also couldn't let the policy continue to the renewal date for me to simply let it expire, so I would have to either cancel it or put a different car on. As I have no plans to replace the scrapped car, cancelling was my only option.

So my own useless prevarication has not only lost me what could have been a decent rebate if I'd cancelled when I first got rid of the car, but is now actually costing me more money.

Big sigh of self defeat.