if it's possible for a condom to be thinner than normal and still be safe, why wouldn't all condoms be that thin?

that is my question

Virgins

was askin myself this a while back

ok just googled "extra-thick condoms" for the lolz and found a bunch of premature ejackylaters beggin for em so maybe tahts the point

why don't they just make the whole plane out of that material?

so they're for guys who cain't skeet?? i can think of several better solutions for that

Didn't Seinfeld figure this one out in the 90s?

I'd always assumed 'extra safe' meant 'for bumsex'.

libcrypt i hate you for making me think of jerry seinfeld's cock

'now in goat-strength'

ew, Seinfeld's goat-strength cock

Hell, I didn't even know Jerry was a farmer.

whoa condomusa.com

"HOS Global Corp" will be shown on your credit card statement. The word condom will not appear on your packages or your credit card statements.

"What's the deal with Foot and Mouth disease?"

The word condom will not appear on your packages

cue obvious joke

thinner are more expensive.

just like models?

If it's possible for a condom to be sprayed-on, why wouldn't all condoms be sprayed-on?

If it's possible for a laptop to be lighter, why wouldn't all laptops be that light? Same answer. Except, you know, substitute sheepgut or something for titanium.

I'm not trying to ridicule the original question. I'm just repping for spray-on condoms.

http://www.toxicjunction.com/get.asp?i=V1295

word condom
http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/6664/lookandread3ka2.jpg

if it's possible for chips to be salt & vinegar, why aren't all chips salt & vinegar?

If it's possible for all ILX threads to be about condoms, why ... oh, no, really. I give up.

Also: spray-on condoms. Thoughts:

1) What if you miss a bit?
2) How long do they take to, umm, harden?
3) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?

Spray on butterscotch and settle for a bj, bros.

okay that is an idea

"settle"

lol wuz gonna say

Couldn't you just use that hardening chocolate ice cream topping stuff and kill 2 birds with one stone?

"kill"

Also, "birds".

"death by chocolate"

"one stone"

keep 'em comin, boys

"jokes"

Dear fucking god what is it with people who eat food off each other? Or food-like things such as dessert toppings? God man for some reason it grosses me the fuck out.

"hardening"

Don't hate the topping, hate the game.

Dear fucking god what is it with people who eat food off each other? Or food-like things such as dessert toppings? God man for some reason it grosses me the fuck out.

― Abbott of the Trapezoid Monks (Abbott), Friday, January 9, 2009 1:30 PM (51 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i think at least a 3rd of the girls ive srsly long term dated have been really into this & i played along while being either bored or wtf-ing the whole time

What about the sushi girls they hire for business parties nowadays Abbs??

hey i like bjs and goin down on a bitch but dont get why im supposed to like it more with honey and (not lying here) YOGURT involved???

yogurt all over my screen

That wasn't yogurt, bro.

xpost

*vomits*

is it a thing to want to eat sushi off your OWN naked body?

*vomits*

― Abbott of the Trapezoid Monks (Abbott), Friday, January 9, 2009 1:33 PM (27 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

http://www.myvideo.de/watch/2199202/Smut_Peddlers_Feat_R_A_The_Rugged_Man_Bottom_Feeders

You know if you use the yogurt just right you never have to add any more for future excursions.

Iron Chef/Lover: this week's ingedient is...

See, I just think it is gross because fuck licking stuff off people anyway. Fucking licking stuff off anything. Also, does it not imply a woman would not be on your cock had you not thrown some retarded grenadine or something on it? You are making yourself the urban legend cunnilingus peanut butter woman, and you are making your partner the urban legend dog.

went to restaurant last week and had raw human flesh served on a live barramundi for a plate. true story.

no it's not.

I had raw baby flesh served on a live barracuda.

This nasty girl in my high school was "bragging" about how the way-older dude she was dating worked at KFC and would bring home buckets of mashed potatoes and gravy to eat off of her. I think she thought everyone was going to be titillated but it just made everyone sick.

http://www.stop-obama.org/wp-content/uploads/farrakhan_3.jpg

You are making yourself the urban legend cunnilingus peanut butter woman!
and you are making your partner the urban legend dog!

omgxpost

most of this thread is amazingly revolting, but in a bewitching way

http://brandstrategy.files.wordpress.com/2006/10/bumper-bucket-kfc.jpg

huge lol at eazy

How about a Bum Per Bucket?

my colleagues are starting to look at me funny because I am laughing myself to tears, here

KFC mashed potatoes and gravy is gross even if you eat it off a solid gold plate with a solid gold fork

ever had that shit a day later out the microwave? i don't even know how to describe it

Now think of it eating it off a pasty, snaggletoothed girl with big permed mall-hair and a Yooper accent.

(xpost) I used to work as a plasterer - it's exactly like a cheap knock off version of P0lyfi11a

mmmmm pasties with gravy

(xpost) ...and tastes like it as well

?! the plastering cartel is pretty paranoid huh

looooool i was gonna say

fucking LOATHE R4w1p1ug5

This nasty girl in my high school was "bragging" about how the way-older dude she was dating worked at KFC

"The Colonel"

m4gn01i4 366sh311 m4tt fini5h...

I think the act of eating KFC mashed potatoes and gravy off of someone in a sexual manner should be dubbed a "Tijuana Picnic":

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r295/possum_11/ColonelSandersLP2.jpg

What are you, some kind of mad genius??

what's even better is that KFC is now a 50/50 KFC/LONG JOHN SILVER'S

Continuing the painting and decorating/fried chicken crossover theme...

"In 1975 Heublein Inc. unsuccessfully sued Sanders for libel after he publicly referred to their gravy as "sludge" with a "wallpaper taste"."

^^^ from the Wikipedia article on Colonel Sanders - and I didn't actually realise that he really looked like that.

I think we had a problem like this in my proofs class. only not about condoms

Don't the ones that are 50/50 KFC/TACO BELL

pretty sure condoms are key to constructing a stable marriage tho

http://users.informatik.uni-halle.de/~jopsi/drand04/marriage_algo.gif

Thread has given me a new interpretation of "taco bell" tbh

Couldn't you just use that hardening chocolate ice cream topping stuff and kill 2 birds with one stone?

― ShamPowWow (libcrypt), Friday, 9 January 2009 18:25 (50 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Can I just point out the flaw with this idea? Those ice cream toppings harden because of the cold of the ice cream. So it wouldn't work unless you were Iceman or someone like that. Hey, actually... Who would win in a fight, Darth Vader or Iceman with his cock covered in M4gic She11?

now we've become rec.arts.comics.marvel.xbooks

better that then alt.sex.food.binaries

yeesh

I don't understand why anyone would involve food in their sexual activities. I mean, I get grossed out when someone arranges a plate of mashed potato, peas, and a sausage into a smiley face.

better to get grossed out than to cum, IMO

For snoball

I mean, I get grossed out when someone arranges a plate of mashed potato, peas, and a sausage into a smiley face

What about two very small peas and one enormous sausage?

(And not as a face.)

two baked potatoes and a strand of spaghetti?

(xxpost) remember, it's just a small step from playing with your food to, er, yeah... in an adult cinema

Who would win in a fight, Darth Vader or Iceman with his cock covered in M4gic She11?

This is what I actually love about ILX. When and how the fuck would I ever have come up with this question on my own?

clue: you'd have to be sitting alone in front of your computer and bored for a very very long time

Tijuana Picnic

The ice cream toppings front is apparently also very paranoid.

Actually I remember Richard Fairbrass appearing on "Never Mind The Buzzcocks" and admitting that he'd used a Tob1erone for sexual purposes.

(xpost) I just don't want people to google search any of those words, end up here, and think we're all a bunch of foodie perverts. Like that Lloyd Grossman.

CARLOS D TOBLERONE THIEF

The thing is, I like Tob1erones, but to eat...

70b13r0n3

Instead of using up the supplies of edible Tob1erones, they could market a rubber version for the perverts. It could vibrate or something. And why stop there? I've got a T3rry's Chocolate 0range here, maybe people would like a rubber version of that too?

Stephen Toblerone

http://a7.vox.com/6a00c2251e13128e1d00e398ac38ff0002-320pi

I can't ever find the thread it was originally posted on, but there's a post somewhere on here about this dude at a bachelor party. The stripper comes out (who's black) to the tune of "You Sexy Thing" playing on the jambox. The ILXor claps his hands and exclaims rather loudy, "ALL RIGHT, IT'S HOT CHOCOLATE!"

The whole room, including the dancer, kinda glares at him for a moment since apparently no one knows it's the name of the band playing at the moment.

Wish I could find that thread since I think about it everytime I hear that song.

― Pleasant Plains, Monday, August 4, 2008 9:20 PM (5 months ago)

Well, better Hot Chocolate than Sauce Anglaise

i would eat food off a chick

http://www.ubergizmo.com/photos/2008/3/sega-chick.jpg

http://www.fastnfab.org/Photos/assorted%20photos/banana.jpg

It's not something I'm into, but it's hardly difficult to see how some people might be into the crosswiring sensual pleasures thing by combining food and sex. If you personally think it's kind of gross, fine, obv, but to state that you just don't get it or see the appeal makes me think maybe you never enjoyed a drink while watching the sun set or (insert two hedonistic activities of your choice here.)

OK, back to joex.

cmon it's totally something you're into

Hey, baby, lemme put this scotch bonnet pepper sauce on you...

bbqsauce_topsheet.jpg

Hello my name is LaCromwell Tiegs and this is my story.

I was buying a box of Lifestyle Ultra-Thin condoms at an Osco on the west side and the check-out man said ULTRA-THIN!? You're going to have some BABIES.

Thanks for listening and spread the word to your message board that this can't be tolerated.

- LaCromwell Tiegs

West side of what????

LIFESTYLES? You're going to have some BABIES.

Entered into the record as evidence:

contraceptives - S&D, POX, C/D, etc.

xpost - re: food

Gross out alert: one of my first girlfriends knew that I liked apple butter and decided to "surprise me" by filling herself up with it.

It did surprise me and I have not touched the stuff in over 18 years.

True story. Fuck.

what in the hell

tmMFi

wow

I'm surprised she didn't end up with a nasty yeast infection from the sugar tbh.

Hahaha "but I thought you liked apple butter"

It's lucky you didn't tell her you liked beef vindaloo.

looooooool

xpost - re: food

Gross out alert: one of my first girlfriends knew that I liked apple butter and decided to "surprise me" by filling herself up with it.

It did surprise me and I have not touched the stuff in over 18 years.

True story. Fuck.

― Nate Carson, Saturday, 17 January, 2009 8:59 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

wooooooooooooow, at a 100% complete loss for words

xpost APPLE BUTTER OF ALL THINGS, I mean maybe you like eggs benedict too, but geez

In any case I hope this person has since learned important stuff about responsible ownership of a vagina

this is killing me

that's up there with the headband/90%/crossing the streams post but far, far nobler

ugh i really hate you, ilx

thread needs abbott's opinion imo

Gross out alert: one of my first girlfriends knew that I liked apple butter and decided to "surprise me" by filling herself up with it.

It did surprise me and I have not touched the stuff in over 18 years.

True story. Fuck.

― Nate Carson, Saturday, 17 January, 2009 8:59 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

that was really sweet of her though

Thanks for the mental image of the beef vindaloo which is somehow 1000x worse.

"Responsible ownership of a vagina". I have just applied for two community health organizer positions that involve working in STI/HIV infection with teens and other at risk individuals. If I get one, I think I'm going to have to make "responsible ownership of a vagina" the catchphrase of my advising sessions.

that should have said STI/HIV prevention, btw

thread also needs introduction to the phrase "vagina goulash"

I hate you Louis.

ugh i really hate you, ilx

― horseshoe, Friday, January 16, 2009 5:06 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

otm, i p much never want to eat OR bone again now

Latebloomer OTM, it seems fundamentally kind and generous (if really, really dumb) to be like "well he loves apple butter, so . . ."

Either that or she was resorting to grand last-resort HINT HINT gestures re: cunnilingus

LaCromwell Tiegs deserves a medal for bumping this thread

where's Dan when you need him

lol canks otm

apple butter story reminded me of this : \

You're seriously asking people to click a link to a video of something you were reminded of by THAT story?

I'm curious whether or not she packed it in before a big date or if you just walked into her bedroom one day and she was spread-eagled with a jar of Smucker's on the nightstand?

(xxpost) "Right, Madge!"

Although now I have the mental image of a clown car full of curry going around in circles in a circus ring...

Milo, no! We don't need to know this.

I am trying not to remember any other details from this event, thanks.

with a name like smuckers, it has to be good

smuckers sounds like a name for a dog.

oh wait it is a dog on Seinfeld.

Let's just say that pussy & apple butter is no chocolate & peanut butter. Not by a long shot.

However, a really hot vindaloo is probably beef curtains for her.

Hey wow I think we've killed it now

I'll just go off and shoot myself now.

i think it's pretty hard to find good uses/times for apple butter but that is sure as hell not one.

― the ref (ed hochuli ha ha) (call all destroyer), Saturday, 27 December 2008 01:18 (3 weeks ago)

i may be able to top that with a friends room mate who thought it would be erotic to stick a cadburies cream egg in the back door then lay it like a hen at easter. didnt occur to her it might melt and also end her relationship in a hurry. She then preceeded to tell me about this with a head full of ropey hallucinagens and freak me to bits out

^^^ now that is how to kill a thread...

gershball

holy hell

how did I miss this

hahahahahahahahhahahahaha

As if Cadbury's Creme Eggs weren't gross enough...

Nate's apple butter story is heartbreaking.

would just like to have that sentence spelled out for posterity's sake

"As if Cadbury's Creme Eggs weren't gross enough, here's a women who has filled her vagina with apple butter."

T/S: A vagina filled with apple butter or an anus filled with melted Cadbury's Creme Egg?

is it a boon or a curse that, as a species, we have the ability to answer this question

holy hell

how did I miss this

you didn't, you posted on it!

I missed the apple butter story!

ENBB, did you indeed incorporate "responsible ownership of a vagina" as a catchphrase?

where is the tijuana picnic??

As if Cadbury's Creme Eggs weren't gross enough...

― might seem normal but is actually (snoball), Thursday, March 18, 2010 3:52 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark

RONG.

ENBB, did you indeed incorporate "responsible ownership of a vagina" as a catchphrase?

― kingkongvsgodzilla, Thursday, March 18, 2010 5:09 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark

Sadly no but now that I've been reminded of this I may have to do so.

holy hell how did i miss this

where is the tijuana picnic??

Tijuana Picnic

I had completely forgotten about the apple butter story

What made you think of it today?

goddamn it.

http://mybrands.com/images/products/xlarge/tap-n-apple-butter-spread.jpg

https://bellview.com/images/7340516001.jpg

What made you think of it today?

I was talking to VegemiteGrrl about urbandictionary on the politics thread, which made me wonder which thread was the one that led to me submitting a definition of "Tijuana picnic" to UD, which led me to Tijuana Picnic which eventually led me to here and me sitting at my cube crying from laughter

god all of these threads chain together in a neverending lol loop

pooping right before showering

hey i like bjs and goin down on a bitch but dont get why im supposed to like it more with honey and (not lying here) YOGURT involved???

― and what, Friday, January 9, 2009 1:32 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yogurt all over my screen

― s1ocki, Friday, January 9, 2009 1:33 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

That wasn't yogurt, bro.

― Eazy, Friday, January 9, 2009 1:33 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

xpost

― Eazy, Friday, January 9, 2009 1:33 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

can i point what a great xpost this is, and it went unnoticed

"Tap'n Apple"?? Really?

*add bookmark*

xp: yeah that leapt out at me on this readthrough (before it got steamrolled by apple butter and Cadbury eggs again)

one of my proudest ilx moments

anyone who would call themselves an "underachiever" is probably severely overestimating their potential

― congratulations (n/a), Friday, January 16, 2009 6:23 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Sometimes, I'm sure. I think the people who do acknowledge that they're underachievers, though, have actual sources for their assumption ... like, I never studied for the SATs, but when I took them I got like, 99.999999999th percentile. Look at me now, you're dripping with envy.

― burt_stanton, Friday, January 16, 2009 6:27 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

no, that's apple butter

― congratulations (n/a), Friday, January 16, 2009 6:28 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A++++++++

ayo dawg, I heard you like apple butter

Literally crying.

you know how there's no anon posting here anymore?

mmmm

apple butter story , read for first time, in hysterics right now

spoon dipped in apple butter

As if Cadbury's Creme Eggs weren't gross enough...

― might seem normal but is actually (snoball), Thursday, March 18, 2010 3:52 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark

I suggest that going on a first date with someone you met on a social media platform and then discovering that they have inserted a Cadbury's Creme Egg up their anus should be referred to as a 'Tinder Surprise'.

This may be the funniest thread on the entire site.

ew

don't forget that apple butter is not a contraceptive

might end up with a baby with apple butter genes

snoball at 1:46 9 Jan 09

KFC mashed potatoes and gravy is gross even if you eat it off a solid gold plate with a solid gold fork

goole at 1:48 9 Jan 09

ever had that shit a day later out the microwave? i don't even know how to describe it

☺♑ (joygoat) at 1:49 9 Jan 09

Now think of it eating it off a pasty, snaggletoothed girl with big permed mall-hair and a Yooper accent.

apple butter jeans
boots with the fur

Apple butter doesn't seem like having the right viscosity for this exercise.

does it congeal?

TIL

Peter Kuran reminisces during The Terror Takes Shape how a major studio ordered multiple "five-gallon pails of K-Y Jelly" in order to "slime up" the Dog-Monster for the infamous "kennel" scene from The Thing. Copious amounts of K-Y Jelly were also used to simulate saliva and to give the eponymous Alien of the 1979 film an overall slimy appearance as well as the blood of the eponymous Predator of the 1987 film which was mixed with chemiluminescence fluid from green glowsticks. K-Y Jelly was used for the Dilophosaurus's venom in Jurassic Park.

xpost I haven't had apple butter since I was a child. I feel like there would be a certain plopping factor when trying to get it out. You know, if Nate got full.

(MEANWHILE, IN A CONCURRENT THREAD:)

wow oh wowie wow why is our board so homogenous, can't imagine what might drive some people away

what

look hear me out

what if she left the creme egg wrapped

I skimmed a few posts in this thread and quickly withdrew my metaphoric toe from said waters.

creme eggs are great, idk what yr problem is

on a diet

i wouldn't put one in my butt tho

this is another one of those ilx is a bit on the prudish threads that i could spend a bunch of time playing devil's advocate on

beef vinadaloo was perfect

xp this thread hardly prudish, or are you referring to the odd nose-holding tut-tutters reacting to it?

Okay so out of curiosity I looked up spray-on condoms. Wiki:

some men found it intimidating, and were not willing to insert their penis into the device, opting to test it on their finger instead. The applicator emitted a loud hissing sound upon use, potentially "killing the mood"... The biggest problem, however, was that the drying process took 2–3 minutes before the condom was dry enough to use, which was too long to be truly marketable.

By 2008, the idea had not been developed further.

How about a second device that the penis is inserted into that has heating coils to dry the spray-on condom quicker?

if the erect penis is cooled sufficiently an application of Magic Shell would serve this purpose in both chocolate and butterscotch flavors

How about a mechanical contraption that guides the penis into the desired orifice on voice command...

Compatible with Alexa!

The idea was inspired by the mechanics of a drive-through car wash The idea was inspired by the mechanics of a drive-through car wash The idea was inspired by the mechanics of a drive-through car wash The idea was inspired by the mechanics of a drive-through car wash The idea was inspired by the mechanics of a drive-through car wash The idea was inspired by the mechanics of a drive-through car wash

i'm talking about the ppl being grossed out by combining food and sex

Like no one here’s ever used the eggplant emoji

i've used eggplant

You've gotten eggplant in her apple butter!

... emoji ?
Xpost

No just eggplant

apple butter jeans
boots with the fur

― sir chesley bonestell, qc (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, March 28, 2018 4:31 PM bookmarkflaglink

I know it's two years too late but this was amazing

great revive

ffs

Hello my name is LaCromwell Tiegs and this is my story.

I was buying a box of Lifestyle Ultra-Thin condoms at an Osco on the west side and the check-out man said ULTRA-THIN!? You're going to have some BABIES.

Thanks for listening and spread the word to your message board that this can't be tolerated.

- LaCromwell Tiegs

― LaCromwell Tiegs, Friday, January 16, 2009 3:37 PM bookmarkflaglink

Wow @ apple butter.

I'm going to go ahead and draft divorce papers and put them in the nightstand in case my wife ever did this.