My life sucks, buy me gifts. (ETHAN AND ANTHONY STAY OUT OF THIS THREAD THANKS)

IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL

Slow dulcimer, gavotte and bow, in autumn,
Bashõ and his friends go out to view the moon;
In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter,


The secret courtesy that courses like ichor
Through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke,
Impossible to tell in writing. "Bashõ"


He named himself, "Banana Tree": banana
After the plant some grateful students gave him,
Maybe in appreciation of his guidance


Threading a long night through the rules and channels
Of their collaborative linking-poem
Scored in their teacher's heart: live, rigid, fluid


Like passages etched in a microscopic cicuit.
Elliot had in his memory so many jokes
They seemed to breed like microbes in a culture


Inside his brain, one so much making another
It was impossible to tell them all:
In the court-culture of jokes, a top banana.


Imagine a court of one: the queen a young mother,
Unhappy, alone all day with her firstborn child
And her new baby in a squalid apartment


Of too few rooms, a different race from her neighbors.
She tells the child she's going to kill herself.
She broods, she rages. Hoping to distract her,


The child cuts capers, he sings, he does imitations
Of different people in the building, he jokes,
He feels if he keeps her alive until the father


Gets home from work, they'll be okay till morning.
It's laughter versus the bedroom and the pills.
What is he in his efforts but a courtier?


Impossible to tell his whole delusion.
In the first months when I had moved back East
From California and had to leave a message


On Bob's machine, I used to make a habit
Of telling the tape a joke; and part-way through,
I would pretend that I forgot the punchline,


Or make believe that I was interrupted--
As though he'd be so eager to hear the end
He'd have to call me back. The joke was Elliot's,


More often than not. The doctors made the blunder
That killed him some time later that same year.
One day when I got home I found a message


On my machine from Bob. He had a story
About two rabbis, one of them tall, one short,
One day while walking along the street together


They see the corpse of a Chinese man before them,
And Bob said, sorry, he forgot the rest.
Of course he thought that his joke was a dummy,


Impossible to tell--a dead-end challenge.
But here it is, as Elliot told it to me:
The dead man's widow came to the rabbis weeping,


Begging them, if they could, to resurrect him.
Shocked, the tall rabbi said absolutely not.
But the short rabbi told her to bring the body


Into the study house, and ordered the shutters
Closed so the room was night-dark. Then he prayed
Over the body, chanting a secret blessing


Out of Kabala. "Arise and breathe," he shouted;
But nothing happened. The body lay still. So then
The little rabbi called for hundreds of candles


And danced around the body, chanting and praying
In Hebrew, then Yiddish, then Aramaic. He prayed
In Turkish and Egyptian and Old Galician


For nearly three hours, leaping about the coffin
In the candlelight so that his tiny black shoes
Seemed not to touch the floor. With one last prayer


Sobbed in the Spanish of before the Inquisition
He stopped, exhausted, and looked in the dead man's face.
Panting, he raised both arms in a mystic gesture


And said, "Arise and breathe!" And still the body
Lay as before. Impossible to tell
In words how Elliot's eyebrows flailed and snorted


Like shaggy mammoths as--the Chinese widow
Granting permission--the little rabbi sang
The blessing for performing a circumcision


And removed the dead man's foreskin, chanting blessings
In Finnish and Swahili, and bathed the corpse
From head to foot, and with a final prayer


In Babylonian, gasping with exhaustion,
He seized the dead man's head and kissed the lips
And dropped it again and leaping back commanded,


"Arise and breathe!" The corpse lay still as ever.
At this, as when Bashõ's disciples wind
Along the curving spine that links the renga


Across the different voices, each one adding
A transformation according to the rules
Of stasis and repetition, all in order


And yet impossible to tell beforehand,
Elliot changes for the punchline: the wee
Rabbi, still panting, like a startled boxer,


Looks at the dead one, then up at all those watching,
A kind of Mel Brooks gesture: "Hoo boy!" he says,
"Now that's what I call really dead." O mortal


Powers and princes of earth, and you immortal
Lords of the underground and afterlife,
Jehovah, Raa, Bol-Morah, Hecate, Pluto,


What has a brilliant, living soul to do with
Your harps and fires and boats, your bric-a-brac
And troughs of smoking blood? Provincial stinkers,


Our languages don't touch you, you're like that mother
Whose small child entertained her to beg her life.
Possibly he grew up to be the tall rabbi,


The one who washed his hands of all those capers
Right at the outset. Or maybe he became
The author of these lines, a one-man renga


The one for whom it seems to be impossible
To tell a story straight. It was a routine
Procedure. When it was finished the physicians


Told Sandra and the kids it had succeeded,
But Elliot wouldn't wake up for maybe an hour,
They should go eat. The two of them loved to bicker


In a way that on his side went back to Yiddish,
On Sandra's to some Sicilian dialect.
He used to scold her endlessly for smoking.


When she got back from dinner with their children
The doctors had to tell them about the mistake.
Oh swirling petals, falling leaves! The movement


Of linking renga coursing from moment to moment
Is meaning, Bob says in his Haiku book.
Oh swirling petals, all living things are contingent,


Falling leaves, and transient, and they suffer.
But the Universal is the goal of jokes,
Especially certain ethnic jokes, which taper


Down through the swirling funnel of tongues and gestures
Toward their preposterous Ithaca. There's one
A journalist told me. He heard it while a hero


Of the South African freedom movement was speaking
To elderly Jews. The speaker's own right arm
Had been blown off by right-wing letter-bombers.


He told his listeners they had to cast their ballots
For the ANC--a group the old Jews feared
As "in with the Arabs." But they started weeping


As the old one-armed fighter told them their country
Needed them to vote for what was right, their vote
Could make a country their children could return to


From London and Chicago. The moved old people
Applauded wildly, and the speaker's friend
Whispered to the journalist, "It's the Belgian Army


Joke come to life." I wish I could tell it
To Elliot. In the Belgian Army, the feud
Between the Flemings and Walloons grew vicious,


So out of hand the army could barely function.
Finally one commander assembled his men
In one great room, to deal with things directly.


They stood before him at attention. "All Flemings,"
He ordered, "to the left wall." Half the men
Clustered to the left. "Now all Walloons," he ordered,


"Move to the right." An equal number crowded
Against the right wall. Only one man remained
At attention in the middle: "What are you, soldier?"


Saluting, the man said, "Sir, I am a Belgian."
"Why, that's astonishing, Corporal--what's your name?"
Saluting again, "Rabinowitz," he answered:


A joke that seems at first to be a story
About the Jews. But as the renga describes
Religious meaning by moving in drifting petals


And brittle leaves that touch and die and suffer
The changing winds that riffle the gutter swirl,
So in the joke, just under the raucous music


Of Fleming, Jew, Walloon, a courtly allegiance
Moves to the dulcimer, gavotte and bow,
Over the banana tree the moon in autumn--


Allegiance to a state impossible to tell.

― Josh, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

exclamation point:eTHAN P23> we're abe simpson

exclamation point:eTHAN P23> and ned is mr burns

from "the black riders"

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side one

1) basement jaxx - do your thing

ps ethan there's no such thing as "dick"

I'm sorry

you know it was just...

well, it was the best

Ha ha there was a great bit in the Harry Potxx0r video where Seamus tries to turn his water into RHUM - now there is a young wizard after my own heart!

And no, I forgot to turn off email notifications. Thanks for filling up my fucking email too, assholes. Switching to the happy birthday Ally thread now, where people are actually being halfway decent human beings. Thanks a lot, boys, for proving me right on my opinion of men as scumwads meant to be fucked with til I find a rich one ripe for dying.

oh, and best thread ever.

although i'm beginning to think theres some sort of conspiracy to have fun when my computer crashes and i say fuck it and go to bed.

I hear he's working on a challenge to the chickenbear.

Yes. We can all bear each other.

Ally, DG has a no-deletions policy and I don't think drunken late- night thread hijacking is the worst crime in the world. But I'll see if I can stop the e-mail alerts somehow.

yeah ho ho ho the brits don't go in for frat boy machismo and group humiliation. wonderful that you got in on it at the eleventh hour though jess.

Depends on the end results.

Bad end results can result from... well, almost anything possible, though.

Is it already too late to just say "TO THE CAFETERIA.. ALL OF YOU!" right now?

Ally, go have some fishsticks. They're so horribly processed that a vegan could eat them with no qualms and it's hard to stay mad at the world when you're eating a fishstick.

Drunken-late-night-hijacking is one thing, though I think I've detailed my problems with Ethan enough times that quite frankly I'm a little goddamned tired of being told by people-who-enjoy-drunken-frat- morons (ie about 5 people here, judging by my emails today) that he's not remotely suspicious or weird. It's another thing to post weird porn (sorry to the person who wrote it originally) about two posters. If anyone does a search on me or Rainy, what are they going to find? Porn. Lovely. And considering Rainy had nothing to do with it, it seems a leetle bit more strange, don't it? I was going to let it go with my curse out of Ethan until someone pointed out that post to me - I mean, I'm sorry but say I did that to, oh, Anthony and Ethan - how fast would my throat get jumped down? Oh, sorry, it's me and Rainy, it's quite ok round these bits.

No one's asking for sensitivity. I'm asking for Ethan to stop bloody harrassing me all the fucking time - it's childish, it's not my fault he's embarassed that I know he told someone he wanted to fuck me, jesus christ. I have no respect for Kortbein at all at this point and would gladly spit in Ethan's face if he ever came to NYC, but you don't see me pointing that out EVERY SINGLE POST HE MAKES now do you?

I would ask again "Does no one else find this weird?" but I already know quite a lot of people find it creepy and weird. THANK YOU to those people who emailed me, and I feel a bit sad that two of them said they didn't even like ILx anymore seeing things like this.

Josh is reeling. She takes Ethan's hand and looks deeply into those eyes. 

They've always been so odd. Seeming to be so many colors...green, brown, 

grey...



Ethan leans forward and takes Josh in her arms. The whole scene has an 

unreal quality to it. "I won't be able to do anything like this for a long, long 

time, you know...."



Josh's heart is beating fast against her ribs as Ethan tilts her head back and 

kisses her.



She is absolutely blindsided. Ethan hasn't done anything like this...ever. Why 

now?



Ethan kisses her very, very slowly, enjoying the rare experience of catching 

Josh by surprise. She pulls Josh into her lap, legs awkwardly out to either 

side. While she still has a fairly tight grip, she tucks Josh's head under her 

chin and noses her hair. She rubs her cheek against it, breathing Josh's 

scent.



Josh gains leverage by holding the back of Ethan's head, sending her hair 

into disarray. She kisses Ethan's chin and along her jawline.



Ethan kneads her back with strong but gentle fingertips. There are knotted 

places all along her spine and she tries to ignore the distraction of Josh’s 

mouth long enough to work them out.



Josh traces her tongue along the perimeter of Ethan's lips. She feels Ethan 

shiver slightly as she does so.



Ethan's hands lose their rhythm. She falls back against the sofa, head back, 

surrendering to Josh. His eyes are closed, but the hands are still tense on 

Josh's back.



Josh winds down Ethan's neck with her lips and tongue, when she feels a 

shirt button in her mouth, she reaches up to fumble with it and get the shirt 

off as soon as possible. She feels the soft down of Ethan's chest hair on her 

cheek.



Ethan is breathing faster, lips slightly parted. It is a very vulnerable feeling, 

lying there exposed to Josh.



Josh realizes Ethan has never felt stubble on her skin before. She rubs 

against Ethan with her jaw, marking him like a cat. Ethan scoots down to lie 

flat on her back on the floor, shirt hanging loosely open. Josh straddles him, 

gripping him with her knees, and stubbles mercilessly.



Ethan's back arches slightly and she gives a small moan.



Josh continues the tickle. She has Ethan pinned down with her weight and 

she knows this is something close to torture, but she continues to rub, 

marking Ethan, teasing him with her warm breath. She sits up, looming over 

Ethan and willing him to open her eyes.



Ethan peers up through her dark lashes, Josh reaches down very slowly and 

touches her face. Ethan watches the hand fall, the anticipation of the touch 

almost more sensual than the touch itself. Josh brushes her lips, feather-

light. 



Ethan lifts up her own hand and grabs Josh's wrist. She doesn't take it away 

though. She just guides Josh's hand around her face. 



Josh lets the hand go limp. But with the second hand she is teasing the 

edges of Ethan's ear, buried in her hair. Ethan's squirms a bit at the 

sensation stimulation of her ear causes him. 



He lowers her face until they touch noses, breath mingling. Josh pins Ethan's 

hand above her head and rubs stubble against the sensitive edges of her 

lips, still rubbing the ear and even scratching it lightly with her thumbnail. It 

seems right to lower himself down until she is lying on top of Ethan, still fully 

clothed.



Ethan gasps sharply at the feeling of stubble on her lips...it's like sandpaper. 

She enjoys it as it pains her. 



Josh licks her nose, then works a knee between Ethan's thighs. 



Ethan reaches up and fingers the collar of Josh's t-shirt. It is buttonless. She 

vaguely wonders how she is going to remove this shirt from Josh.



Josh chuckles. "First thing's first.."–as she unbuttons Ethan's trousers. She 

catches Ethan’s hands in her own and holds them down over her head, 

pinning the guitarist’s arms to the carpet. But at the same time she had 

caught one of Ethan's legs between her own and is moving, very slowly, back 

and forth against Ethan's hips.



Ethan can only lie there and react as Josh works her way downward, sliding 

her trousers off her legs without using her hands. She shivers as a draft 

along the floor of the house reaches her thighs. 



Josh finally releases him, but Ethan has had enough of this torture. She sits 

up and pulls hard on the hem of Josh's shirt, pulling it halfway up. It binds 

Josh's hands for a few seconds, and Ethan proceeds to have her way with 

Josh's trousers. In her haste, she pulls off a bit more clothing than she 

expected... 



Ethan almost giggles at Josh's slightly ginger pubic hair. 



Josh laughs at Ethan's enthusiasm. She is about half as excited as she could 

be, and a bit cold. She kicks off her shoes and sheds the remainder of her 

trousers, then lies on Ethan's legs and deals with him similarly.



Josh lies full length on Ethan, reacting ticklishly to the chest hair. It has been 

a long time since she had a male lover. Ethan's flat chest is a whole new 

terrain to explore next to Rachel's ample breasts... 



He teases Ethan's nipples with her tongue. She also moves her hips again in 

a slow circle, pressing into the sensitive area below Ethan's belly button.



Ethan is lying passively, head back and eyes closed. With every sudden 

movement, she gasps and lets the air out as a quiet groan. Josh hooks a 

hand in the waistband of her shorts.



Ethan shows her pleasure quite obviously. Feeling this, Josh moves her head 

down lower, tracing from Ethan's nipples, down her chest, and finEthan 

reaching the tip of Ethan's erect penis. She pulls the shorts down, freeing 

her. Ethan is writhing a little from side to side as Josh strokes her with gentle 

fingers. 



Josh breathes warmly on the head. Ethan feels like she's being set on fire. 

Her pelvis moves uncontrollably in small thrusting motions. She moans softly.



Josh explores with the point of this tongue, hands very hot on Ethan's thighs 

to hold him still. Ethan has no choice but to be pleasured.



Josh slides down her shaft, face among the hairs. She never dreamed he'd be 

here. With her tongue, she slides back up the underside, leaving a wet trail 

that burns cold. She throws more weight into those hips, which are bucking 

at him now.



Ethan has gone flushed, eyes squeezed shut. There is a warmth rising in her 

shaft and she is helpless to stop the feelings that are running through him. 

She wants Josh. She is almost ashamed at how shamelessly she wants Josh. 

She reaches for Josh's hair as the feelings overwhelm him.



Josh opens her mouth and takes Ethan in.



Ethan makes an incoherent sound and her hand knots into Josh's hair. Josh 

abruptly releases him, then seizes again. She works against her gag reflex, 

taking Ethan deeper and deeper. She moves her tongue in small circular 

motions. 



Ethan makes a strained sound and spasms. Sparks go off behind her eyes as 

she climaxes down Josh's throat. 



She can feel Josh still around him when it's over. She is soaked in sweat and 

gasping. Josh licks her, but she barely feels it. Her hips are still gyrating 

slightly. 



Josh lies on top of her, moving in time. She is still very hot and hard against 

Ethan's stomach. Josh clears her throat a few times. She licks her own lips 

and then kisses Ethan's throat. As Ethan slowly regains composure, with 

determination she switches her and Josh's positions, wrestling with Josh until 

she manages to pin her down on the floor. Ethan straddles her. 



Josh senses what Ethan has in mind and fights back. "Have you ever done 

this before? No, of course not."



"Of course not." Ethan grins. 



Josh struggles to get out of her hands. "You won't like it." 



"You don't know that." Ethan has the same firm look on her face that she had 

earlier that night. 



Josh struggles up until she is sitting in Ethan's lap. She kisses Ethan's ear 

and says, "Are you sure this is what you want?" 



Ethan responds by shoving Josh back down onto the floor. With one deft 

motion she has pinned Josh's arms to her sides, and she starts kissing the 

nape of her neck. Tendrils of her hair lightly drag across the surface of Josh's 

chest. 



Josh doesn't know why she feels compelled to resist Ethan. But Ethan has 

tenaciously strong arms and she can't get enough leverage to push back. 



Besides her grip, everything about Ethan's approach is gentler and softer. 

Josh tries to deny that an odd, cold, ticklish wave is sweeping her limbs.



"You can't do this! It's not fair. I'm taking advantage of you." Josh realizes 

how ridiculous that sounds the moment she says it.



Ethan responds by slowly grabbing Josh's now swelling penis, she is a bit 

scared...he will start slow. 



Josh winces. She realizes suddenly that she is afraid Ethan will be clumsy and 

rough.. 



But Josh needn't be so nervous. Ethan's fingers trace a spiral pattern around 

Josh's head. Soft, just enough to stimulate. 



Josh lies back, eyes dropping shut. For some reason, small amounts of 

pleasure are very relaxing. She tries to lie still and let Ethan have her way 

with him. But it's hard to do. Josh seldom surrenders to anyone. Still, she has 

a very warm, sensitive reason to. 



Ethan's light touch slowly increases in intensity. Josh's eyes are closed in 

pleasure, suddenly she feels Ethan's breath honing in on the tip of her penis. 



Josh breathes fast. Her pulse beats hard in the warm, very soft skin Ethan 

touches with her lips. Ethan only takes in a little bit of Josh at a time, gently 

exploring with her tongue. Josh twitches uncontrollably. The slow, light 

touches are almost unbearable. 



Ethan finEthan takes in all of Josh. Her gentle suction seems as simple and 

intimate as a child drinking her mother's milk. 



Josh can feel Ethan's hair against her inner thighs. She wraps her legs 

around Ethan, trying to control how deeply she goes in, but the red fog of 

sensation makes it hard to do anything but thrust in as hard as she can.



The sound of Josh reaching climax scares Ethan though...her first time...she is 

afraid. She retreats just before Josh comes. Josh spasms all over the carpet 

in the darkness. She realizes, with the tiny part of her brain not orgasming, 

that Ethan let her go, and is irrationally relieved.



She falls back onto the carpet. She has no idea where Ethan is.



She can't believe that they've actually gone through with it.



"..Ethan?"







Ethan is sitting next to him, back against the couch. She can hear her breath 

in the darkness. She can't tell if he's upset or just tired.



Josh pulls herself up and sits next to her, uncertain of her reception. Is Ethan 

embarrassed by what they've just done?



She feels Ethan's hand reaching for her in the darkness. Josh abruptly flushes 

warm, feeling happier than she has all night. She ducks under Ethan's arm 

and cuddles at her naked side.



"Thank you," she hears herself saying. 

I find that ILE slash now exists to be beyond hilarious.

As for the porno post, I'll happily delete it right now because it could be seen as out of order, but in context I think it worked more as a running joke than any kind of harrassment. (And I think ILE's record in dealing with harrassment is pretty good, cf. "The Truth" a while back). But it's your and Rainy's call so away it goes.

1. Ethan is a mentalist who is harrassing Ally. If this is true then Ethan should stop harassing Ally (i.e. replying to her) and Ally should not provoke the person who is harassing her (i.e. putting his name in capitals at the top of a thread)

2. Ally is a mentalist who imagines Ethan is harrassing her. If this is true then Ally should stop imagining things and Ethan should stop replying because he knows it will make things worse.

The crucial thing is that it does not matter which of these things is true (let alone which if either I or anyone else believes), the outcome is the same - Ally ignores Ethan, Ethan ignores Ally. There is no way of actually enforcing this and it's not the moderator's job anyway but that's what I'd like to see happen, personally. I personally thought the thread was very funny when I read it this morning - but it's stopped being funny now and I think it's time to end it.

(Sorry. Just testing a hypothesis.)

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http://www.tothcorp.com/thre esuns/

http://www.lavent ure.net/tourist/prezdisc.htm

God, I love this thread. I'll dryhump it, cause Josh has gone and there's noone left now.

Huh.

From Excel to bancruising

bancruisin' - no G

I finally got a full-time job as a sub-editor, allow me my quirks.

ethan, i love you.

-- ethansgroupie, Sunday, May 12, 2002 8:00 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Link

luriqua was here in '02?

get your own name u noize board weirdo i dont say 'lolz'

-- 3, Monday, September 5, 2005 5:09 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Link

wha

cant even remember the time i didnt say lolz and hated on "noize board weirdos"

xp fyi luriqua was here in 02

http://www.chicagoreader.com/pdf/050819/050819_ot_highjinks.pdf

i still love ethan the most y'know.

that "radiohead erotica" is the WORST THING EVER

-- geeta, Sunday, May 12, 2002 8:00 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Link

not exactly stepping out on a limb there are you geeta

-- Josh, Sunday, May 12, 2002 8:00 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Link

after 6 years i just got this

lol

"Olafsonskid"