CONGRATULATIONS TOMBOT

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/05/28/cyber.czar.obama/index.html

u will never stop my terrorist zombie computer spambot network NEVER

This month, a Transportation Department audit -- carried out after hackers got into a support system containing personnel records -- indicated the nation's air-traffic control system could be at risk.

well that's reassuring

I think we should all prepare for rendition.

well that's reassuring

Just another wacky day.

I think we should all prepare for rendition.

Rendering is more likely.

gross

Suggest bans end up at gitmo.

Hathaway expressed concern that critical infrastructures such as the nation's power grid and financial networks could be vulnerable. "God forbid if somebody were to take down and or manipulate our financial system, and what would we do, and would it make the current financial crisis look like a walk in the park?" she asked.

um, I have some bad news for you...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks about making soap when someone discusses torture...

How DARE he try and regulate the LORD's own internet? Why does this president hate America? His candidate for this job will obviously be TOTALLY unacceptable.

'grats tom.

Does it make sense for this office to be coordinated through the White House? I'm thinking yes, but only because I don't see a good way of making the other departments play nicely together unless you chair it from the White House.

happy bday tom

i think tombot said it best here

YOU JUST NIPSIED FOUR PROM QUEENS, YOU'RE EVIL, YOU ENJOY NIPSY RUSSELLS, I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR OWN

are you sure jw won't get this?

he'd have to relocate

http://blog.wired.com/defense/2008/07/obama-wages-cyb.html

hooray my job is important

― El Tomboto, Wednesday, July 16, 2008 8:51 PM (10 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

National Cyber Advisor

dear mr. barakha oblamma,
I have a master in science in cyber advice

thank you for your consdieration

― El Tomboto, Wednesday, July 16, 2008 8:55 PM (10 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

"cyber-espionage" is a fun word to say with a Sylvester McCoy-like lisp

― kingfish, Wednesday, July 16, 2008 8:57 PM (10 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I've been calling it "cybular warfare" because it's more fun

― El Tomboto, Wednesday, July 16, 2008 8:58 PM (10 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Have they let you put that one your bidness card yet?

― kingfish, Wednesday, July 16, 2008 8:59 PM (10 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

who will be his crack team of attractive, multi-ethnic 20somethings (and one erratic genius of a teenager!) that will act as the first line of defense against cyber-crime and cyber-terror? maybe a better question is: will we be able to catch our breath between their comical bickering, their hilariously astute pop cultural observations, and, oh yes, the pulse-quickening thrills that only riding the cutting edge between high technology and high stakes political drama (taken from the headlines!) can provide?

The goth from NCIS and the cat lady from The Unit.

And Jonny Lee Miller. Pleeeease?

theme song by Electrik Red (who should also be on the team)

h yes, the pulse-quickening thrills that only riding the cutting edge between high technology and high stakes political drama (taken from the headlines!)

Note that 'Leverage' on TNT is an awesome show and deserves to be watched by everybody.

And they're shooting it here in Portland.

you forgot the pudgy eccentric in Criminal Minds. And skinny eccentric Chloey from 24.

hip hip hooray for tombot! on his magical cyber-czaring day!

that stoner guy from the national lampoon movies in The Core was the worst fake computer guy ever imo.

lead guy from transmetropolitan

ok so

http://www.us-cert.gov/

(we do not have an official twitter yet, sorry, I actually pushed for that at one point even though I personally think twitter is DUUUUUMMMMM)

I swore in as a civil servant the day after obama's inauguration, strictly coincidence but I'm ok with carrying that the rest of my life

We're basically always hiring, go on www.usajobs.gov and search for DHS -> NPPD -> NCSD / Washington Metro area or whatever

Here is a pretty good rundown:
http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2009/05/obamas_cybersec.html

This is my fave column so far on the point at hand:
http://securitywatch.eweek.com/exploits_and_attacks/who_wants_to_be_cyber_czar.html

I haven't been on ILX from the office since I switched over from being a contractor/analyst to being a civil servant/watch officer. It really is nothing to do with not wanting to get caught dicking around on a messageboard. This will probably sound like some career-dick narcissistic shit, but fact: if I have time to sit down and hang out and chatter, I'm probably missing something. It took some adjustment but frankly I can't say I've ever felt at home in a job like I do now. I like the fits and starts, I like teaching the new kids how to do what I used to do instead of doing it myself, I like being the big brother who takes shit for other peoples' rookie mistakes.

There's a ton of horrible problems, but things really do get better every day. Napolitano just appointed new folks to upper management, which honestly can't be a bad thing, "better the devil you know," my pasty taint.

Anyway thanks guys for thinking of me and I'll always be lookin' out. Before you know it the internet will be as safe as a beaver dam.

Oh neat, I like the dual rss feeds.

Fucking jumpin' high fives to Tombot.

miss u boo glad 2 hear ur doin ok

Awesome, a thread of missing Tombot. May be in DC some time later this year working on a book, so...

Way to go tombot!

We're basically always hiring, go on www.usajobs.gov and search for DHS -> NPPD -> NCSD / Washington Metro area or whatever

i want 2 b director of butts

I want to be Minister of Optimism.

I believe this dept will be called the Committee of Swooning Bloggers to Re-Elect the President

Don't worry, Crustypants, you get your own department, too.

aw, congratulations, Tom!

So much excitements for the 'bot! Yay!

hoofuckinray for Tombot and his mecha-beavers

you guys will lol at this: today I was complemented by my director for my consistently sunny demeanor.

Hahah. Dr. Tom and Mr. Bot.

Hahahah

TOMBOT PLZ to pass this around to your fellow gubmint techies for amusement:

http://fjallfoss.fcc.gov/prod/ecfs/retrieve.cgi?native_or_pdf=pdf&id_document=6520213983

ok not to be a dick but we get 40x better "crazy" mail than that every day

although with the amount of trouble I had to go through to get that link to work there was no way I wasn't going to be disappointed

yr alterego, Sonny DeMeanor

Glad to hear yr doing good, Tom.

this dude writes us on the daily:
http://hotlineoncall.nationaljournal.com/archives/2009/03/ask_the_preside.php#comment-1319743

oh ralphpaws

is that the new godspeed you black emperor album?

far out. I'm surprised george hasn't had him on coast to coast yet.

congrats 2 tombot

http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y176/edwardiii/fbi_stop.jpg

I wonder if that guy ever got to the point where he wondered to himself, "How did my life take its turns to where I'm standing here on this corner holding this sign?"

I'm sure in his schizophrenic mind he is HERO

okay maybe I'm not sure but it seems plausible

woah he names a specific guy

I wonder what is going on in yr life where you ponder the question "should I take this concern to the police or make a sign and stand on a street corner" and you choose the street corner

it probably is the point with schizophrenia

Hi, Tombot! Good to hear you're well.

Something somewhere defined the difference between neurosis and psychosis thusly: neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them.

TB, to what do we owe the congratulatin'? Is it newjobnewhoos or generally breaking on through to the other side-related?

toms pregnant!

pause

http://chrissandel.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/juniormovie.jpg

l-r: dan, tom, chaki

http://dic.academic.ru/pictures/enwiki/82/RabbitTestEnglishDVD.jpg

jeezus Tombot congrats. Who knew career happiness would make you so pleasant?

His greatest challenge yet.

The sidebar ad says "Having spinal surgery? Do you want cut or uncut?" which is...wrong, terrifyingly wrong. In several ways.

id like to think that toms history of dealing with the rogue states like 77 and the lbzc has helped steel him for attacks from north korea

he's overqualified imo

id like to think that toms history of dealing with the rogue states like 77 and the lbzc has helped steel him for attacks from north korea

never more otm

quoth the raven

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/07/14/state-department-app.html

State Department apparat asks Clinton to let him use Firefox

Wow, that really IS a lame snipping of the actual answer for lol purposes

stupid fucking question to ask an appointee anyway. reminds me of the Q&A sessions from NSA where people would whine about parking and cafeteria food to Michael Hayden.

oh hey hi dere tom!

I start my fed job on Monday and if I don't get to use Firefox, heads are gonna roll

I should probably call Lisa Jackson and let her know that immediately

lol EPA

I had to start on a tuesday because nobody else is allowed to swear in the same day as the president.

Play Mad Libs with Tombot's professional correspondence:

Gentlemen,

The following quote from the below e-mail has me very confused:
"No one updated the (ACTIVITY) slide last night. I asked (FIRST NAME) about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The (PART OF A DAY) shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to (ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE). This leaves Mr. (LAST NAME) with 60 man-hours per shift under (ANOTHER ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE). Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the (COMPOUND NOUN) and the (NOUN), when on (DAY OF THE WEEK) nights, with roughly equivalent (ANOTHER NOUN) volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the (PART OF A DAY)shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

Needs more snark and particular pop references

that is the best passive aggressive note ever!
chain of command!

seriously though guys do I have to remind you of the mad libs, good clean fun on a bus ride, back in the day, young times, with a pencil and pretend-cleverness?

Gentlemen,

The following quote from the below e-mail has me very confused:
"No one updated the donut-makin' slide last night. I asked Ralfazon about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The lunch shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to Flibbertygibbeting. This leaves Mr. Starr with 60 man-hours per shift under Luger Cleaning. Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the Donkey Hater and the Quiche, when on Party nights, with roughly equivalent codpiece volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the lunch shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

ACTIVITY
FIRST NAME
PART OF A DAY
ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE
LAST NAME
ANOTHER ORGANIZATIONAL ROLE
COMPOUND NOUN
NOUN
DAY OF THE WEEK
ANOTHER NOUN
PART OF A DAY

Gentlemen,

The following quote from the below e-mail has me very confused:

"No one updated the jaywalking slide last night. I asked Berthold about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The early morning shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to Product Liaison. This leaves Mr. Patel with 60 man-hours per shift under Henchman. Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the charm bracelet and the crust, when on Monday nights, with roughly equivalent sweatshirt volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the late afternoon shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

"No one updated the doo doo slide last night. I asked Doo doo about it and he said his shift wasn't doing it. They had to much to do already."

The doo doo shift is staffed by eight people - nine counting their trainee; I understand that two of those people are assigned to doo doo. This leaves Mr. Doo doo with 60 man-hours per shift under doo doo. Why would it take 60 man-hours per night to produce the doo-doo and the doo doo, when on Doo doo nights, with roughly equivalent doo doo volume, it takes one person about 30 minutes?

I spent four hours with the doo doo shift yesterday, and I think I know the answer, but I thought I would raise the question up to my chain of command.

raise the doo doo up the doo doo

Is having a czar really like fighting a network with an org chart? http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2009/08/white-house-cyber-czar-resigns-good-riddance/. I get that the government doesn't control the internet in the same way they control FEMA's budget or whatever, but it seems like someone should be in charge to the extent that they do have any power.

I've actually made the comment several times that our intelligence community only really understands the "threat piece" insofar as it matches how they do business themselves, e.g. certain agencies are only really capable of comprehending the organizational model of the bad guys who already mimic them. So I have to agree with Tanji on that point, and I'm actually glad he points that out. To present a more oblique metaphor than is strictly necessary: Eliot Ness can fight Al Capone, but Eliot Ness cannot stop the greater menace of organized crime, nor can he stop the Torso Murderer.

A commander-in-chief is useful when the primary issue at hand is comprehensible and soluble from a policy perspective, which generally implies reform and preventative measures vice reactive catch-up nonsense. The position of "cyber czar" to date has always demanded a lot of the latter and never permitted much of the former. So in this regard, Tanji's suggestion of a solution (a guy who knows other guys, or whatever) is short-sighted and silly, because he doesn't recognize the real reason nobody in Washington or in the security industry wants this shitty job. One of my coworkers today suggested that Hathaway's desire for the position automatically disqualifies her, in a lovely real-life Catch-22.

To have any effect beyond being another irritating voice on the conference speakerphone, a cyber czar will have to have the kind of teeth to tell the major players (anti-virus companies, ISPs, platform vendors, etc.) that the US government is done with buying products that ship unsafe, that there is no longer going to be a marketplace for after-market bolt-on airbags and safety belts, and that there will be consequences for peering with criminal enterprises.

(Nevermind trying to encourage international law enforcement cooperation and making sure the local cops in china, korea and eastern europe know how to secure evidence that will hold up after extradition)

To my mind, the best option for a "cyber czar" at this point would be one of the RIAA's lawyers who already has a track record of putting service providers and software developers up against the wall and making ugly demands. And that still only works if congress ponies up and gives him or her the legislative muscle requisite to threaten people with. A seat at 1600 with no "Act" is going to be another waste of everyone's time.

Very interesting, thank you.

btw I have had beers with this dude and he and I basically end up on the same page every day

http://www.guerilla-ciso.com/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/07/AR2009080702805.html

lol

by "lol" I mean that I must refer you all to the office of public affairs for DHS at 202 282 8010 until what an official statement is made

I AM CURIOUS (RESIGNATION)

we're hiring again btw
http://bit.ly/7tRWgl

also my 1-year anniversary as a civil servant is this coming week. No longer a probie will I be! OTOH I'm going in Monday night for holiday overtime to do something that might help Haiti, or so I'm told.

I genuinely love my job. I never thought this could happen.

*applies for job*

*obtains much GS-14*

hey tom whats your take on this google/china thing

does it reveal fatal flaws in the cloud computing concept

also, i miss you

i love how max's brave facade just crumbled there

xo TB

MISSIN U

my take on the google china thing has changed daily since 1807 hrs last tuesday or whenever it flooded all the toilets

frankly after seven years of this business anybody who wants to play like reading somebody else's e-mail is evil/bad-ass shit is like a screamy homeless guy to me

I'm with the germans on this one (and btw US-CERT got there first in 2004)

yo Tombot, good to hear that you like being a govvie. I'm applying for some g5 positions right now.

(btw I am an Operating Thetan with +5 on any dice roll)

I'm with the germans on this one

From what era?

FIGHT THE POWER THAT IS TOMBOT

Hmmm... The IT Specialist position has "many vacancies." It would be nice to work with El Tomboto.

more like bates motel vacancy amirite, hi tom :)

DUDES

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/books/27book.html

MICHIKO KAKUTANI'S FUCKING BYLINE SHOWED UP IN MY WORK E-MAIL WHAT THE FUCK
SHOULD I REPLY-ALL WITH THE MCSWEENEY'S PIECE

declare cyberwar on the offices of the ny times

what mcsweeney's piece?

Think it's this one: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/1999/01/23michiko.html

One night Fred asked me if I was coming out with him and Peter for late night hot tuna grinders.

^greatest line

TOMBOT

DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT REVEAL YOURSELF AS INTERESTING AT WORK

THAT WAY LIES GREAT SADNESS

Blackouts hit New York, Los Angeles, Washington and more than 100 other American cities. Subways crash. Trains derail. Airplanes fall from the sky.

Gas pipelines explode. Chemical plants release clouds of toxic chlorine. Banks lose all their data. Weather and communication satellites spin out of their orbits.

JFK! BLOWN AWAY! WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!

I love that it's all "This may sound like a stupid Bruce Willis film with Bruce Willis in it, but I've just read it in a BOOK."

"This might sound like a takeoff on the 2007 Bruce Willis 'Die Hard' movie, a franchise which has graced the Sony Playstation 2 and the Microsoft Xbox, which has been compared with Justin Beiber in its hold on the American imagination, and which simply outmuscles rival films such as 2003's Bad Boys II starring Martin Lawrence and Will Smith (is this enough SEO juice yet?) (Ed: yes)"

I don't know that I can actually name 100 other american cities, anyway

I mean there's only 32 football teams

dammit I was about to start typing out 100 other US cities before realizing "wait, crazy OCD"

haha I was confused and thought michiko kakutani had personally e-mailed your office

Only Michiko tells the tough truth.

this line has such a wonderful cadence

So why do I have a feeling he was behind this?

http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2010/07/solve-the-mystery-code-in-cyber-commands-logo

too bad he won't see the Plame-Wilson movie I went to last night! wd love to hear the takedown.

How much lulzsec-type crap have you had to deal with, or used the opportunity to point out to idiotic higher-ups the need for evolved procedures?

TOMBOT SIGNAL TO ALL BOSTON PEEPS: I AM IN YOUR AREA NEXT WEEK, TUESDAY THROUGH MOSTLY THURSDAY

(this mainly: http://ieee-hst.org/ - but also some other things that DHS is putting on at BU and environs that I just found out about)

please to holler

sad face

this is our thread yo --> Boston -- Classic or Dirty Water?

yeah, boston is kinda lame. plus, geeta is in london. no, wait, she's in berlin. no, wait, she's in stockholm. kinda jealous that you get to catch plenary speaker mark s. borkowski, the assistant commissioner of the office of technology innovation and acquisition, u.s. customs and border protection. he hardly ever tours anymore and he never seems to make it to my neck of the woods.

el tomboto, i would be in-o.

yeah!

i agree w/yeah

btw dude are you actually going to be in waltham? is that where youre staying?

DOOD I MISSED THIS

WEDNESDAY WOULD BE AWESOME PARTIES TIMES

Wednesday would be good!

just nobody spill what you're #occupying next

#OCCUPYBAR

Sadface that I can't be there. (I always say this.)

So are we doing this or what?

ATTN BOT YOU STILL GOT MY CONTACT INFO?

Gotta represent in Malta next week. Anybody else gonna be in Malta?

awesome.

it's really too bad my trip to Malta was postponed til July.

Tombot what did you think of Prometheus

I was supposed to be rolling with some other feds but GSA dickwads fucked it up for everyone, so I get to be the solo joker carrying all of our GMT-5 water out to GMT+1 country. I was looking forward to this when I put my abstract in the CFP hat, now I'm like FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK SHIIIIIIIITTT

I can't see movies dawg, I got a 16 month old. I haven't even gotten to Avengers yet. Balkan Beat Box at the 930 this Friday though.

I wonder if my brother is going to that

sup bot man

Hi bot! Thanking u for taking care of the internets for all of americas.

hi tombot let's get our toddlers on skype with each other

how are the kitties

kitties update: Josie is retired. She gets along fine, occasionally exhibiting signs of dementia in the middle of the night but otherwise a perfectly affectionate and reasonable cat. Dr. Ben, on the other hand, seems to have lost the ability to not misbehave, as in, as soon as everybody else in the house wants to go to sleep, he thinks it is time for singing practice and/or mock interviews with the furniture. It would appear the diet food and the toddler have conspired to make his lose his tiny little mind. We'll pull through.

T'bot, get child ready for Nats' World Series run this fall

Gotta represent in Malta next week. Anybody else gonna be in Malta?

Aw that's fantastic! My old band got played on whatever the college/indie/pirate radio station is there. If you have a chance for tourism, check out the bar where Oliver Reed's Last Stand was. It's on Archbishop Street and it's just called "The Pub."

I miss your Google Reader shares... Where are you bookmarking things these days?

I am not. I read like three blogs now. on my blackberry riding the bus. It's kind of sad.

it's good to see you, tombot.

estela OTM

this is awfully indelicate but is the mother of your children a former ilxor or someone else?

dominique downer!

WHOOPS

it's good to see you, tombot.

I'll second that.

Very good indeed.

I miss your Google Reader shares

otm

this is awfully indelicate but is the mother of your children a former ilxor or someone else?

She posted on ilx like six times way back in the day because I told her you all were interesting people. then we both got distracted. hint: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431150/

I told her you all were interesting people

oh well

I have met her and she rocks.

anyhoo malta http://conference.first.org/program/index.aspx

just in the interests of open, transparent government, so you know what the $6,700 of our money is going towards. I was supposed to have a side meeting with a guy from EE GEE WHY PEE TEE but that's definitely gotten "fascinating" in the last 48

i have been to a conference at that hotel

El Tomboto, I have missed you super much

yah welcome back

I probably intend to use this thread as my internets respite from the 9-day work week I'm about to embark upon. this is going to be a trip.

an odyssey

an enchanted journey

I can only imagine a trip to Malta going down like Final Justice.

http://pixhost.me/avaxhome/67/48/000c4867_medium.jpeg

just in the interests of open, transparent government,

that was fucking exhausting

filed my Trip Report. FOIA it as you wish. CISK is not particularly good beer, but it is generally served cold and only comes it at around 3.3% ABV which is about right for the price and frankly I ought to be thankful for that statistic

So how did meeting up with the one guy from the one country go, if it went?

Oh man didn't you get to do anything fun?

did you see any falcons or templars?

it was hella stressful but I made it and I got a room with an ocean view patio.
The Pub closes early on Thursdays so all we have is a photo of the sign with the shutters down. All told, another amazing adventure for the Tombot and I managed not to get arrested and I still have a job. seriously though, representing a superpower is no fucking joke. I tried to be forthright (no good relationship is ever built on snappy patter) without sharing any official dirty laundry. Literally, because of travel budget cutbacks and previous commitments by people who weren't allowed to travel because of previously noted cutbacks, plus org chart shuffle, I got to play the roles of 5 people that week.

Next year it's in Bangkok.

Fun things I got to do: I smoked lemon shisha (basically a hookah) on a roof underneath a reverse bungee ride in downtown St. Julian's and there was a belly dancer who was highly qualified for her job. This was also while EURO KICKING BALLS 2012 was going on so it was kinda fun observing the hookah-customer conflict of attention-paying between SEXYTIME DANCING and SWEDEN V. ENGLAND

I got to explore the Malta Hilton which is basically a Dragon's Quest VIII town/dungeon level, minus the monster genocide part (but also minus the treasure).

Also I saw some actually really entertaining and edifying presentations by other nerds but those details is reserved for paying nerds

That sounds super awesome aside from the "playing the roles of 5 ppl" part

El Tomboto, I have missed you super much

THIS. But then I miss ILX so much these days. I am trying my VERY BEST (which isn't much) to log on more. BUt I guess lucky for you guys/girls I don't. lol

SEXYTIME DANCING and SWEDEN V. ENGLAND

i'd imagine after 10 minutes or so the choice became clear.. sweden v england was like an animated gif of unenthusiastic dry-humping

England vs Sweden much better from outside England, I am guessing.

Also Hey Tombot!

england-sweden was fuckin awesome from the central square in sopot iirc

*Waves at a TOMBOT*

Malta also holds Caravaggio's 'Beheading of John the Baptist' in its largest cathedral. Easily the best non-modern art I've ever seen IRL.

T'bot, get child ready for Nats' World Series run this fall