amazing questions that never needed to be asked, or answered, but are thanks to the internet

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Doors-Jim-Morrison-443/2008/12/Leather-Pants.htm

(non-ilx edition, btw)

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Sting-609/Likes-dislikes.htm

lol max

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Electric-Light-Orchestra-451/Belly-buttons-1.htm

About Simone
Expertise
I don't claim to know the man personally so as to which way he clips his toenails I have no idea

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Teen-Music-3029/2008/11/TYPE-1.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Worst-Web-3072/2008/3/porn-1.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Teen-Music-3029/2008/2/MOOD.htm

ok this one is absolutely blinding

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Worst-Web-3072/ethics.htm

This is wonderful. Who is answering the questions?? Also, lol at the paedo "researcher".

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Worst-Web-3072/Rotten.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Kids-Penpals-2896/2009/2/fractured-fairy-tale.htm

What do Satanists believe about abortion?

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Inventing-New-Products-1406/2009/6/creating-inventions.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Anthropology-2291/2008/11/honey.htm

some of the expert bios are HILARIOUS btw

About Hayden
Expertise
I can answer most questions about LaVeyen Satanism. Theistic isn't my area but I'd be happy to research it for you. I can correct stereotypes and debunk myths about Satanism. Rituals are also in my area.

Experience
I own both The Satanic Bible, Satanic Rituals, and Satan Speaks

Education/Credentials
High School Sophmore :D

thank you for enriching my life, jjjusten. that high school satanist is adorable!

the high school satanist on devil horns: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Satanism-3672/2009/7/Horns.htm

Hayden would probably enjoy last month's WDYLL thread.

http://www.google.com/search?q=%22pro-life+satanist%22&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

Is it true that Mary and Candyman stick together?

Is it common for girls to collect guys' used underwears?

erections?

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Staying-Virgin-2103/2009/7/masterbating-1.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Staying-Virgin-2103/2009/7/hymen-water.htm

Something interesting about this subject that others may not know:

Satanism is atheistic, and rejects violence against children and animals.

Something controversial or provocative about this subject

All the Christians are like, "omg god bless u and ur soul u worship satan lolol." No, I don't.

x-post - ;_; oh dear

Also, "my buttocks hole".

the self-proclaimed expert on Sporty Spice: http://www.allexperts.com/ep/600-2371/Spice-Girls/Angie-Hung.htm "I want to know why Melanie C still seems so angry/sad despite achieving her dreams of pop stardom."

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

answer is not funny but the layers of confusion here are worth reposting

Staying a Virgin - i not squriting
Expert: Wil - 3/25/2009

Question
I am a 12 year old girl i love masturbating i just cant seem to squirt or get an organism and i let me dog lick me and a still don't do anything i am wondering if sex will make me squirt or have an organism??

Woah Christ that's depressing. If anything the whole teen sex advice section has only reinforced my belief in what I studied and ultimately want to do for a living.

*hilarious but creepy reply*

(self-censored)

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Jokes-Comedians-1535/2009/1/Improve-speech.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Mexican-Culture-2916/mexican-residences.htm

the answer to this is AMAZING in about 3 different spots

Oh God: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Teen-Pregnancy-862/2009/2/im-14-adopted-brother-3.htm

x-post lol @ edith

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Irish-Culture-2878/2009/4/Irish-Prince.htm

and again we watch the experts slow descent into madness

the answer to that teen pregnancy one is the wrongest thing in the history of wrongness

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Irish-Culture-2878/2008/4/ireland.htm

more chestnuts of wisdom from our irish scholar

x-post - right? :-(

The really good poet, Seamus Heany, recently had a stroke and in any event doesn't drink and

the adverst underneatht he question really do a much better job in describing irish culture than the douchebag in residence

eh, excuse the keyboard.

"The US is not in the Bible." Helpful: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Misc-Religions-949/2008/10/during-armegedon.htm

wow that motherfucker's crazy

Education/Credentials

I hold a Calvary Chapel (Christian) Ordination, an independent Missionary Baptist (Christian) ordination, an MA in Religious Studies from JFKU, an ordination in Ministry and Spiritual Counseling from the Interfaith Seminaries, an ordination from the Universal Life Church, and am Pastor Emeritus of Grace Inclusive Church. To varying degrees I have worked and studied with many different groups including: the Noahide Nazarene sect, I attained the position of Vaisnava brahmana within the International Society for KRSNA Consciousness and in the Sri Gopinath Gaudiya Math (both members of the greater Brahma Madhva Gaudiya Vaisnava Sampradaya), I'm a former student of Swami Muktinanda's Sidha Yoga Foundation, an initiate of the Yoga Society (of Sri Ramamurti Mishra), was initiated as a Welsh Pagan priest, have been a Sunni Muslim, a Taoist, a member of various Buddhist sects (including the Dharmad Hatu of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche) and various diverse Hindu sects, numerous Christian denominations and movements, was a Missionary to Central America, carried a 12x6 foot wooden cross on my back from Atlanta Georgia to San Antonia Texas, and have been involved with numerous other groups and movements too numerous to mention

"I discovered something unimaginable": http://en.allexperts.com/q/Misc-Religions-949/discovered-true-Identity-false.htm

yep, the crazy motherlode

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Mythical-Creatures-Bigfoot-2209/sight.htm

Why should i answer this? So you are twelve... You're young? Its not true, though i do say your a little immature in diction.

good find!

xp

beautiful: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Misc-Religions-949/4-6-find.htm

wow, just

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Misc-Religions-949/Half-angel.htm

Godly angels do not produce these half breeds, nor do they engage in sexual relations -- Matt 22:30. Any spirit being that appears (or otherwise manifests) to you enticing you to sexual activity should be considered an incubus (a male sex demon; succubus are female sex demons that seduce men) and should be shunned.

It is my considered opinion, based on the limited amount of information at my disposal here, that you are at the least being overshadowed by demonic forces and may actually be possessed by one or more of them. If you continue in this direction, it is quite possible that you will conceive and give birth to a fully human child that is either possessed or heavily overshadowed by demonic influences from the womb. ** Should this happen, the child should be considered FULLY human (ie NOT a nephilim). Just like adults, such children can be freed from these influences through the prayers of righteous persons and God's love. If and when you are ready to seek help, it can be found. The wisest course of action would be to stop now.

woah

I am changing my "one name change per week" personal rule because... well... hopefully the reasons are self-evident.

:D

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Scottish-Culture-2999/2008/10/irish-chemist-migrating-late.htm

really kind of embodies the thread title

found my new log-in name

haha, oh crap

hahaha

great minds

you got it first

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Finland-139/2009/6/Needed-cell-number.htm

so obv if you are interested in stalking someone in finland allexperts is the place for you

underwear collecter ftw

x-posts LOL at u two.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Treasure-Hunt-3037/grave-yards.htm

UH

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Latter-day-Saints-958/2009/4/womens-equality.htm

It is believed in the church that women have the gorgeous, divine and glorious ability to bear children, nurture children and be a help-meat for men.

best typo ever

I am introducing my wife as "my help-meat(sic)" from now on.

"let me tell you its not had great of a place to hunt. Most people I know who have graveyards say they are low producers." WTF

My sick help meat.

"Excuse me, do you mind if I run a metal detector through this graveyard and DESECRATE SOME GRAVES BY ROBBING THE INTERRED REMAINS if it beeps?"

Stop taking Beeps's name in vain.

If one doesn't not believe in GOD. Isn't one a ATHESIS. Beleiving there's NO GOD. Therefor NO GOD, NO BELIEF IN SUCH - Makes one an ATHESIS

http://en.allexperts.com/q/AIDS-339/2009/7/HIV-sanity-pads.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Prodigy-565/Prodigy.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Ethics-2216/Phone-Calls.htm

hahahahahaaaaaaa HIV sanity pads is awesome

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Van-Damme-Jean-74/Jean-Claude-Van-Damme.htm

"PS and of course he loves chocolates!"

omg John that reply from John Marshall is incredible!

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Male-Masturbation-3326/2009/7/masturbation-40.htm

!!!!!

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Male-Masturbation-3326/2009/6/penis-size-1.htm

Amir J is the world's scariest person to me, today.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Jokes-Comedians-1535/Debate.htm

this guy is completely insane

Men who ejaculate once or more on a daily basis may eventually 'lose their minds', since 20 percent of male semen is composed of cerebrospinal fluid.

okay now

http://www.allexperts.com/ep/3326-91562/Male-Masturbation/Amir-J.htm

Expertise
Taoist expert(old chinese sexual traditions)which study The relationship between ejaculation and longevity. Any problems or questions related to masturbation , intercourse, ejaculation frequency . i give u the knowledge in life to avoid the worst ravages of old age, retard the loss of vital energy and live longer lives than those who didn't practice any ejaculation control

Dude has SO much more cerebrospinal fluid than you.

http://www.allexperts.com/exppics/47836.jpg

oh god that guy!

he is certainly full of bollocks

omg LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL ~can't breathe~

Male Masturbation - Effects of Teenage Masturbation on later Married Life
Expert: Amir J. - 7/12/2009

Question
To which extent a male becomes sexully weak (masturbating at a rate of once per week during his teenage continuesly) during his future married life? What is the basic treatment for curing the weakness and other symptoms i.e curvature etc caused by masturbation and how long would it take to gain permanently the sexual power again with treatment?

Answer
well,generally ,masturbating at a rate of once per week is a good frequency and may never coz harm to a teenager ,
however ,increasing sea foods in daily meals is a great thing especially oyster full of zinc ,recent medical evidence indicates that with each and every ejaculation men suffer a significant loss of zinc, a rare but vital trace element.

Do these "experts" get paid at all? I want to make money for making up total horseshit!

Question
i masturbate 1 a day. i wanna use a masturbator like a fleshlight.any ideas

Answer
first of all,,u should never masturbate 1 a day because semen must be regarded as a most precious substance. By saving it, a man protects his very life.
When essence storage exceeds the capacity of the body to fully replenish semen, men experience chronic fatigue, low resistance, irritation and other symptoms of essence and energy deficiency.

maybe one day we'll have a thread about an internet q/a site that isn't a depressing nuthouse shithole.

in the meantime, tho,

http://www.allexperts.com/exppics/47836.jpg

someone ask this dude if it's okay to masturbate in front of a baby

oh man I so wish I could make "i masturbate 1 a day" my display name.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Jokes-Comedians-1535/trick-question.htm

IN JOKE FORM!

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Jokes-Comedians-1535/Jokes-small-asians-Quam.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Male-Masturbation-3326/2009/7/penis-problem-due-masturbation.htm

holy hell

Hello! This is a receipt for a question you recently asked at allexperts.com of Amir J.. You should receive your reply within 3 days unless you see another number in parentheses by the person's name in the previous sentence. Thanks for using our service!

Your question was

"Hello Mr. Amir J.,

I was wondering if you have any thoughts on whether or not it is bad for a baby to see you masturbate. Please help. This is an urgent issue that I must know the answer to.

Thank you."

and was asked on 08/04/2009

MAGIC

the answer is long and unfunny but the question:

You are here: Experts > Comedy > Christian Humor > Jokes & Comedians > making fun!

Jokes & Comedians - making fun!
Expert: Matt McDonald - 2/10/2005

Question
Dear Mr. McDonald

Hi how are you doing, I've been reading a lot of your Q&A, and I had a question about making fun of a state, You said that only none funny people would make fun of WV and cousin loving, well I'm not looking to make fun of WV, but I do currently reside in Delaware, and I hate it. I hate everything about it, from the differences in social interaction to the fact that almost any body of water in this state supposable cause's cancer. I have also seen this state being made fun of on the Late Show with David Letterman, the Simpson's, and the movie Wayne's world. And I just find everyday so many reason's why I hate this place, and why it should be made fun of. So my question is would it make me a hack to want to make fun of this place in a stand up routine? And if not how far would be appropriate to take it. I really hate this place, but there are many true short comings about this place to make fun of, and by living here for four years I have an arsenal full of jokes at my disposal. The reason I'm asking is because I've never done stand up before, Honestly I've wanted to try to start doing comedy for sometime, I've just been involved with the local theater and haven't had the chance to do anyting but drama, but I've always been a big time idea man, and have always wrote down any ideas I have had from straight drama to, blue, and dick comedy. I just recently have fond free time since being castrated from a part in a play, after conflict with one of these small towns' folk. So now I find my self uncastable in a fifty mile radios, and looking to new was to indulge my creative side, and since I live near Philadelphia, D.C., New York, and Baltimore. I figured I could take sometime and write a stand up routine and try it out on an open mic night. One last question, out of these entire cities's is there any club you would go to for your first open mic night?

Thanks,Christopher

xpost enbb you are a holy warrior

. I just recently have fond free time since being castrated from a part in a play, after conflict with one of these small towns' folk.

harsh director

LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pvUOrxAlbg

I've always been a big time idea man, and have always wrote down any ideas I have had from straight drama to, blue, and dick comedy.

^^^ the new Judd Apatow?

This is the best thing that's happened to me all day.

I am almost sad (almost) that I get to leave work soon because I could seriously read through this shit for another couple hours.

Experts > Comedy > Christian Humor > Jokes & Comedians > making fun!

Great breadcrumb trail there.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Concerns-Genital-Size-2335/2008/2/boobs-rash.htm

I sincerely hope many of these are made up.

dude did you read the experts bio on that one?

About Andy
Expertise
Do you have Sex questions? I can mostly answer all your sex questions. ;)

Experience
lot of experience with women.

Education/Credentials
college student. I know a lot about penis sizes, since I was in porn for a few month and saw a lot of action. Ask me any question, If I know the answer I would answer with a truthful answer and quick! (I also speak Spanish)

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Amateur-Erotica-2713/good-thing.htm

i should also be keeping track of the excuses the experts use when they are delayed in answering questions. the current front runner:

Answer
Im sorry im replying so late to your question, my computer is seemingly trying to commit its suicide ,though i wont allow it.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Mythical-Creatures-Bigfoot-2209/help.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Scientology-1751/2008/10/Letters-Man-real.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Aphex-Twin-2054/Applesauce.htm

The amateur erotica one: "There are allot of young go getters looking to become the next BIB SEXY" I nearly DIED. Christ. This is a beautiful, beautiful thread.

Posting the whole exchange here, because if AllEpxerts ever goes down, humanity needs it preserved:

Hi Bobby,

I make armature porn, I make my own home movies and sell them on-line. My stage name is Big Sexy, you may have heard of me if you are a pornography conusor. I have been doing this since 1984, when I stared in "Top Cock". Anyway things have changed these days. I am now in my mid 30s and have trouble getting it up, the women no longer excite me and these days I am forced to wear condoms. Which has allot to do with the disappearing of the ozone layer if you ask me. The problem is I am getting to old for this game but yet I am much to young to retire. Money is an issue when you have a junkie wife and 12 kids. I need to find a second lease on my sex life, and fast. There are allot of young go getters looking to become the next BIB SEXY. I also need to learn to adapt to the will of the people. Now a days they want to see gang bangs, and sometimes even two men together. I mean can you imagine Big Sexy having to share a girl with another man, that would be abuse of those poor girls. I mean Bobby they don't call me Big Sexy because I LIKE TO EAT SALADS. Or even worse the other day they asked me to do a shower seen with another man. "just let him kiss you and touch you up a bit" they said. There all fucking mad I am sucking another mans cock and all I can hear is my mother saying "not Big Sexy my boy would not to those kind of things. But this is what the people want to see. How can I perform with all this pressure. Do you have any advice on recreating that spark.

Regards
Tim Tam

Answer
Tim,Well mabey lay off of the pudding for a while and see if that ole spark comes back.....I think condoms are here to stay ,so better get use to the idea.......As for the man thing,no way,but a gy=uys gotta do what a guys gotta do to feed mama and te lil ones....Id rather dig ditches than pull another dudes string.....So good luck,the world or porn is a tough one for sure...Thanks for writing,,,bobby

Amir J. came through!

http://www.allexperts.com/user.cgi?m=6&catID=3326&expID=91562&qID=4865948

Subject Masturbating in front of Babby?
Question:

Hello Mr. Amir J.,

I was wondering if you have any thoughts on whether or not it is bad for a baby to see you masturbate. Please help. This is an urgent issue that I must know the answer too.

Thank you.

Answer:

well,,within the first year ,,baby's memory still didn t grow enough to remember what he has seen during his first year ,but i prefer ,if u can do it away from him or at least do it in a far angle so that he don t pay attention very well,so it would b better.

a far angle

RIDDLE SOLVED

what is an infant's range of peripheral vision anyway? this only complicates matters

oh my god this is fantastic

http://www.businesspundit.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/gold.jpg

:D

Well done. :-)

I feel like there is room here for a follow-up question esp in regards to the whole angle issue, no? I don't feel like I've received a definitive answer tbh.

I think you should indeed ask.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Punk-Rock-2966/2009/4/Thought-Patterns.htm

Question
How long does it take for punk rock to effect your thought patterns?

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Buffett-Jimmy-406/Jimmy-Buffett-Harrison-Ford.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Mythical-Creatures-Bigfoot-2209/Licnathropy.htm

http://en.allexperts.com/q/UFOs-Aliens-2138/2009/5/aliens-Q.htm

Question
Hi Earth Sister

I understand that the aliens, such as the Grays, have really high IQs; However, do the aliens have any 'mentally challenged' of their own?

Answer
Hi, fred. Thank you for your question.

All of the races that visit Earth are much longer evolved and technologically advanced then we are yet. They have all refined their genetics to eliminate specific kinds of problems.

However, no race is perfect. Certainly advanced races are way ahead of us in these things, but they can't control everything organic. Nor can they prevent every injury.

In advanced races, when they have any kind of medical, psychological or genetic problem, they treat it as early as possible with the most advanced and appropriate methods available to them. They take care of all of their people without limits of society.

On our own world, we are still creating medical, psychological and genetic problems and are still not even trying to control or treat them efficiently.

ok wau to that last one and SUPERWAU to babby masturbating answer!!!!

Am taking suggestions for possible follow-up q.

"How far an angle? I can only bend it so far before it starts to hurt."

omg

Say that and then also note you're a woman.

^^^ yes

# how do i get rid of maggots inside of a newborn living squirrel? by Nadine Leslie 1 week 1 day ago Answer

* take it to the vet that is your best bet Add Comment

almost all of these links are still live. thank you miraculous internet

It is our new God I guess