What sorts of things do you pretend your pet is saying or thinking?

This is the thread for pet owners like myself that have developed the strange habit of saying out loud what they want their pets to think. Please describe any pertinent detail, from the kind of voice that you pretend they have, catch phrases that they have, preoccupations that you imagine them having, and so on. Be warned, though - you're fucking crazy.

I realized this morning that I'm using a voice approximating Cartman from South Park (even though I never watch that show) for my two kittens. They like to ask if I'll please pick up some catnip when I go the store.

A friend of mine had a big Black Labrador with deep Boston accent that always called everyone Boss. "Hey boss, can I get some dinner over here?"

I hope this habit is as common as I think it is, so if I can get some New We're-All-Insane-Together-Boss Answers in here I'd appreciate it.

dog: "this....is.....AWESOME!!!"

I pretend he's apologising. No such luck.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2552/3893634581_fcdbf3a34c.jpg

I imagine my dog's voice as Chris from "Family Guy."

"Hey Dad, watch this, I'm going to run in run in circles until I sprain something HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OW OW OW OW OW OW OW"

Elroy says "Sorry 'bout that!" in a disgustingly saccharine tone whenever he does something wrong.

pretty sure my cat is a sassy black woman

"Hey Dad, watch this...

That reminds me, do you pretend your pets call you mom and/or dad? My gf does that, but I can't bring myself to it (yet).

"it really bothers me that you wont let me sit on you at all times, especially while working, even though i weigh like 60 or 70 lbs."

Snitter talks in a semi-lispy bass voice. His most common catchphrase is "I'm a dog, I can't go to college." More frequently, he talks about his home country, Snitlandia, and it's cultural traditions such as the Bellen Hat, the Snitlandian Orthodox Church, and their nation's beers (most notably the Schmettelwink, a trippel bock).

He also talks about how sexy female basset hounds are.

"I'm a dog, I can't go to college."

ahahahahahaha

Willie either has the voice of William F. Buckley or William Jefferson Clinton, depending on which member of my family you ask. He'd say "I'm a poodle. I don't need to go to college."

The stuff about Snitlandia is exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping to get from this thread, oh man!

Sorry to go on about Snitlandia, but I can almost guarantee Abbott has named a city in SimCity this.

The Bellen hat is a sepia-colored bowler, indented at the top, with pheasant feathers in the brim. His collar tag used to say "Ambassador of Snitlandia," but I decided maybe it should say his real name in case he ran off.

Ha ZS it's the name of a town I made in Animal Crossing.

with a name like maggie, i can only assume my dog speaks in the voice of a dickens urchin.

He still complains about how I won't buy him "Underdog on DVD or Blu-Ray disc today," which is how he requests it every time.

After sex: "smoooooth moves!"

ex gf always insisted that our cats called us "mom" and "dad" and it didn't really creep me out until after we broke up. my cat pretty much stopped talking once i moved into my own place.

It makes me imagine I gave birth to the damn thing, having it call me "mom" = creepy.

That's the thing about using mom and dad - it's kinda like a divorce if you break up!

my cat calls me "dude" and "asshole."
i call him "little man."

i could go on forever about my late cocker spaniel, but i'll start by saying that he has had several unsuccessful campaigns for Dog of the Block that consummated in him being named, by default, Dog of the Building. In his 16 years, he never successfully ran a campaign for anything, but man did he try.

He also spoke with a Southern accent and was extremely judgmental. He also unsuccessfully started and managed a fantasy basketball team that contained players such as Eric B@chmann, Will Ferre11 and our friend Jason. He was extremely proud of this accomplishment.

(he never called me mom or anything, as that was beneath him)

he was also an enthusiastic singer

http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/5/52/Garfield_zalgo_3.jpg

http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/5/52/Garfield_zalgo_3.jpg

It makes me imagine I gave birth to the damn thing, having it call me "mom" = creepy.

made me think of:

http://visibletime.ararchive.com/_Calvin_and_Hobbes3_.gif

max says "big day, guys!" when he jumps up onto the couch and sprawls out.

he also says "you forgot to give me all your attention" whenever I kiss my fiancee - he usually jumps in between us and/or puts his paws on one of us to divert us from each other. Jealous dog.

http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs254.snc1/10128_131230803577_516053577_2485852_3816733_n.jpg

Francie jumps on the bed every night and yarps in my ear for attention, and I always imagine her saying, "HEY-O! It's Francie time!"

Francie is a cat, btw, but she doesn't meow so much as make cat noises that are freakily similar to human speech patterns. Like, it really sounds like she says, "HEY-O!"

Whenever I move Morrie from my chair, he stomps over to the scratching thing and furiously claws away, muttering "this is your FACE" in his pissed off old man voice.

i don't have a pet right now but when i was taking care of cat this summer and she let her tail hang down from the windowsill i would sometimes grab it until she noticed i had it in my hand and then she'd look at me and i imagined she was saying "hey, that's my tail!" in a cute girly voice

My cat is 15 years old now, and I be thinking she be thinking all like fuck you dood for keeping me in this shit, which is no doubt some serious projection...

One of my housemates walked into the kitchen the other day and said to the cat, "You wouldn't have any intentionality if I weren't here to give it to you." It was the single nerdiest thing I've ever heard anyone say to an animal, amazing.

my cat mewls and cries like crazy, the most mournful thing you have ever heard, whenever she... finds one of my socks on the floor.

she sometimes brings it to me and presents it somberly like a fallen hero

and at that moment, she says...

"forgot your sock, boss"

At 6am on weekends: "Hey it's 6am, Dad. You might not remember but like every other day you get up at 5am and feed me and get ready to take me out. So why are you sleeping late today? Makes no sense from a historical context. . . although I do recall a similar aberration five days ago perhaps. Maybe if I whine a little and nudge your hand repeatedly and sit on Mom's head you'll realize your mistake. Yup that worked. There's the food. I'll just eat that now. Hey why are you back in bed? Did you forget about the take me out part? It's what happens after the food part. Okay okay you seem to be trying to rest. I'll let you do that for 10 minutes and then remind you about the take me out part again."

My cat goes "Where's mah dinner, bitch?" in this crabby voice.

http://www.memorygongs.com/yampy.jpg

She's not crabby at all though really, she's the politest cat ever, I'm just projecting on her.

Also tho, my cat does speak! Only when she thinks no one is listening - late at night R has said he's heard her, she makes this odd sound that sounds srsly like she's saying "hurro? Hurrro!" at the walls. Or insects, or something.

My two goldfish only say two different things, with the voice of the orangish fish in Pee-Wee's Playhouse:

"Feeeeeeeed us!" and "Thaaaaank you!"

My dog growing up said only one thing:

"oooooh boy!"

This thread is quickly turning into my indisputable proof that I am a total idiot

i am the small cat

i like toytles

My guinea pigs say, "WHEEP wheep" in this really satisfied way, to anything. They're so cheery, but so stupid! Dierdre was trying to quote the TV to me when I went to sleep and she said, "You ARE the wheepest link, good night." She has no brain, the sweet hairy peanut girl!

My last guinea pig, total Marlon Brando, would mostly tell me how classically handsome he was and how manly his paunch was. New guy is a lot more feisty and talks about his days in junior high track, and his desire to do freestyle climbimg. I can't bear to break it to the dude, who can't even climb over a brick.

The guppies say nothing. They're fucking guppies, do you think they can talk? Sheesh.

I'm pretty sure all fish say "feeeeeed us!" with the little underwater sound effect where you pucker your lips out and smack them back and forth with your finger.

Mine's catch phrases when whiny or hungry are "Life is pain" and "Everything is bad."

My cat, i should say. Fish do not talk.

Ok sometimes fish say "blarrgh i am ded."

Whenever we laugh at the mishaps and antics of our cerebellar cat, she says, "you jerks!"

Enid is a 5 1/2 month old puppy and doesn't have a voice, but we often state what she is thinking to each other in what we imagine is a very matter-of-fact but hyperactive tone. We are referred to dismissively as "people" or "you fuckers" depending on how exasperated we've made her by not letting her sleep or doing something unexpected.

I am loving the fact we all narrate our pets, btw.

WILL WORK FOR FOOD:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2468/3895264561_c7812ea06d.jpg

"You think I'm coming out today? FOOL."

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2567/3895288735_cf9b7e2a34.jpg

Look at those soulful eyes, though.

tbh i don't actually do this but i DO talk a lot of nonsense to my cat

If Willie's showing the whites of his eyes, that means he is EXTREMELY pissed off. He was trained to bare his teeth to the command "smile" before he was old enough to snarl in anger.

Both my cats, including the female one, have gruff cockney geezer voices, like "oi! where's my fackin' dinner you cunt?"

my cat mewls and cries like crazy, the most mournful thing you have ever heard, whenever she... finds one of my socks on the floor.

she sometimes brings it to me and presents it somberly like a fallen hero

Francie does this with the belt to my robe, which she pulls down from its hook every morning, mrrrrrrawing gutturally the whole time, and then drags out into the living room. Once she is satisfied that it is good and dead, she just leaves it there.

Also tho, my cat does speak! Only when she thinks no one is listening - late at night R has said he's heard her, she makes this odd sound that sounds srsly like she's saying "hurro? Hurrro!" at the walls. Or insects, or something.

And our oldest does this. We call it the "Lost Meow" because it sounds like she has somehow managed to get lost in our tiny apartment, and if we call her, she comes running pertly into the bedroom and says, "Oh! Thank goodness I found you! It was dark and I didn't know where I was and I was scared."

The different kinds of tea that cats like

I just absent mindedly asked my cat did she want any camomile tea, and to my surprise she said 'yes, please'! This is amazing, really. Did anyone already know about cats liking camomile tea? I feel such a fool..

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Friday, March 14, 2003 6:56 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink
Twee-est thread ever.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Friday, March 14, 2003 7:01 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

old ILX died the day people stopped saying "twee" all the time on ILX

RIP twee ;_;

"why are you paying attention to the cat that is not me?"

"I can't open the door, I don't have opposable thumbs"

Elroy, when running away upon hearing any music with drums: "No beatzies please!"

Heheh I always go "ha ha opposable thumbs!" at my cat while waving a can of food at her. But I'm sure that's pretty common.

"Can you please put Milo & Otis on your Netflix queue? It's really one of the best movies, just saying'"

"Drop your plate of food on the floor, NOW."

GF & I have started referring to her cat as my "stepdaughter."

Yeah, she has a six-year-old named Lily. We call her my stepdaughter. She's really cute, getting a little chubby. I was a little uncomfortable about the whole stepdaughter thing at first, but she's never really had a father figure in her life, so...

my cat developed a long distance affair with a raccoon she saw in the yard who she says is her boyfriend. his name is "bandito".

she also speaks only in fake spanish whenever we are trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do.

henry pretty much has a running monologue all the time. i will report back with highlights. also, his standard interjection whenever something surprising happens is "Um....guys?"

Last night my gf told me "I really like what you make the kitties say", and although I shrugged it off in the outside world, on the inside I was like "yesssssss"

When I was traveling all the time, I would get silly crazy emails from the cats - who had their own yahoo account. I've kept them all and reread them every so often.

one of our cats also speaks in what I've always called a "modified Cartman"! weird.

Our cat does not talk to me, but I am often told that she secretly agrees with what my GF is saying, or has made up some new nickname for me. In spite of the not talking, I believe that she would like to be a cook and that somewhere or other she has hidden a small, white chef's toque, with matching wire whisk and mixing bowl, and that she plans sometime soon to make cookies for me. I think about this fairly frequently.

xpost

J0hn our pretend cat voices are like long lost brothers

Recently I've been making Elroy whistle Queen's "You're My Best Friend" when I get home from work, and I like it. I've also been expanding my repertoire of Milo & Otis references so that they talk about how cool the bonus features are and how the movie syncs up perfectly with Squeeze's "Cool for Cats" if you start it at the right place.

I have a particular low dopey voice for the dog. Sort of a cross between Droopy, Keanu Reeves, and Patrick Warburton. He mostly says stuff like "oh hey hi umm is that some chicken? because umm chicken."

Our cat says one-syllable things in response to conversation, like "So?" and "No!" and "Why?" and "Now!"

She also says a lot of things silently, with her adorable/hilarious facial expressions. Most frequently she tells us that we suck.

haha thread of cutest weirdness

my kitten sounds like a really curious, adorable, low-attention-span 6-yr-old boy, like "oh, oh, so today, i was running around and there was this toy! and i grabbed it! and it went up in the air! haha wow..." and "hey, what're you doing now? can i do that? please? pleeeease? okay i'll wait. whoa, have you SEEN this string right here?! wow!" (runs off with it)

dogs tend to sound like snuffleupagus, cats sound like rosanne rosannadanna

maybe the cutest is when he's half asleep and i ask him if he's tired and he seems to say, eyes closing, Oh boy, am i (yawn), what a day (smile) (out like a light).

my old big black cat was just a chill dude who said 'Sup a lot but when he was angry was all WTFF, people, WTFF.

xpost

My new dog is going through this teenager phase of exploring spirituality by dabbling in different religions. A few weeks ago she was trying out Jainism (too into meat to keep it up). This week it was some watered-down neopagan thing, but she said she's interested in looking at Shinto if "it comes up high enough on my Beliefnet quiz."

Jimmy the mod kinda otm! at least re how strangers' pets talk. Also: lolll

banjo tends to talk in kind of a dopey kevin from the office voice: "i would like to come sit with you on the couch now please. why are you not moving. i think you should be moving now. will you move? will you move now? will you - thank you for moving. I love you very much. i am going to lick you now."

we talk TO the cat, not FOR her. sheesh.

My roommate's doggo, Jack:

http://hphotos-snc3.fbcdn.net/hs464.snc3/25500_369810716595_681036595_4267719_3380288_n.jpg

"Someone needs to feed me cheese, or a squirrel"

I've also been expanding my repertoire of Milo & Otis references so that they talk about how cool the bonus features are and how the movie syncs up perfectly with Squeeze's "Cool for Cats" if you start it at the right place.

hahahahahaha

I will let two of my recent FB status updates of mine answer this question.

ENBB - Made up another song for Benson tonight. It's called "We like to Cuddle" sung to the tune of the Vengaboys smash hit "We like to party" because it's true, we do like to cuddle

ENBB - Benson now has a theme song. It's called "Full Time Rascal" and is sung to the tune of "Part Time Lover".

The latter I sing to him but the former is sung in my a cutesy Benson voice because he is still a little floppy puppy.

Yes, I realize I am crazy.

Missy is perfectly capable of telling me all about her life without me having to put on stupid voices for her. We had a lovely conversation about the spring birdsong this morning.

this dude's imagined voice is like an amalgam of some posh elderley member of the house of lords, stewie from family guy, meatwad from aqua teen hunger force, and whatever i imagine cornelius bear from achewood talks like, depending on his mood. i also change his name on a daily basis - today he is droolie andrews, for perhaps obvious reasons.

this is what you do, when you work from home.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3221/3074243362_cab58dfa4f.jpg

I always imagine cats as saying "fuck you you asshole, stop trying to pet me, where's my food?"

I feel bad for how much lolcats have changed my perception of cat-speak; cats used to be very 1920s upper-class British and frightfully correct, but now they say "giiiiive, yesss? you gives now, yes?"

but the main concept here is the giving, by me, to cat, of my dinner or whatever else is around, and various foodstuffs (e.g. salmon, goose, caviar, roast great auk, etc) which aren't around but the cat imagines might be hidden about my person, waiting for a cat of great enough importance to present them to

hahaha, Erica, my cats have songs, too! One is called "I Know Where Food Lives" sung to the tune of "I Know What Boys Like": I know where food lives! It's in a bucket! Inside the cupboard! I want to EAT IT!

xpost: roast great auk!

Kate I may have to steal your cat's song only Benson (err "I") will sing is as so, " "I Know Where Treats Live" sung to the tune of "I Know What Boys Like": I know where treats live! They're in a box! Inside the cupboard! I want to EAT THEM!

There is another ditty, sung to the tune of "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath, but it is too embarrassing to transcribe here...

We sang the treats song this morning btw. It was a hit!

i object to the use of "pretend" in the title, this stuff is EXACTLY WHAT HENRY SAYS AND THINKS

:D

"I have a bone! look! its here! in my mouth! is where the bone lives! i love it! lets wrestle!"

"i am outside! i love you! you pick up my poop! lets eat dryer sheets!"

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

"who is that guy? that car is loud! i think there are birds over there! whats that thing? the cat upstairs smells weird! i found this toy outside and it tastes like mildew and mildew tastes awesome! i want to kiss you! let me smell your butt!"

"soon I will destroy you"

nothing because he died in 2007 :(

sorry dude

Time to consider a cat.

picture to look at while reading henrys direct transcriptions wirelessly transmitted to ILX:

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4063/4444240905_262ee975c1.jpg

<3

That is a handsome animal!

ahhhhhh I love him! also, I just watched the Henry/Benson video again and it's so good! <3

Our cat says one-syllable things in response to conversation, like "So?" and "No!" and "Why?" and "Now!"

Lou Lou mostly says "Wow!" and "Yow!" She also makes a quacking noise, which translates to "Wack!" when she thinks something is wack.

This morning lilly had a bluejay in her mouth and was sitting outside the window saying, "look dad, let me in, look I caught him all on my own, Let Me in!!!!!"

this is thread is kind of garfield minus garfield

Common breakfast-time conversation with any one of our dogs:

"Em, what's that food you have there? What is it?"
"It's coffee. Coffee is not for dogs."
"But my mammy says I can have it. My mammy always lets me have coffee, she says I can. Can I have yours?"
"No. It's not for dogs."
"But I love it! What can I have then?"

The cats will often say "this demeans us both!" when we have to pick them up, or "you'll never hold me!" when we have to put them in a catbox.

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4053/4438693327_f6ac666a2c.jpg

"Why? Why you do this to us?"

LITTLE DOGS, BECAUSE IT IS REALLY FUCKING CUTE, THAT IS WHY.

I envy your pets their rich internal lives.

"pretend"

My sister's Cavaliers appear more dumbfounded than the poodle, because they are much less clever. The poodle is a pretty good communicator. Does a front-leg bow to ask for food or OUTSIDE, shows whites of eyes whenever annoyed, posts on ILX. You know where you are with the poodle.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/146/354111117_1d2127ab94.jpg

totally unrelated repost but

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t214/ZachRScott/lovethisshow.gif

Actually, I think his jones is for the neighbour's Bichon.

ha, JohnJ, your dog-voice is pretty much like this old Dexter's Lab cartoon I loved where he uses SCIENCE to allow a stray dog to talk, and the dog basically runs around going "it's a thing! look at the thing! I found a thing!" and staying up all night yelling out the window ("I'm a dog! I hear you! you're a dog! I'm a dog too!")...

... and you think that seems appropriate, for a dog, but then in the end the dog's owner shows up to retrieve it and it's this stonerish guy who's all like "it's my dog! look at my dog! I found my dog!"

this useless old-cartoon summary was brought to you by

p.s. i'm not sure what about our dog keeps him from having that voice, but there's something in his body language that prefaces everything with "umm, hi." if he's being particularly clever or really wants something, it's almost a whole "umm, hi, umm, I don't know if you remember me, but I love with you, and I was wondering if I could have your dinner maybe please"

(i LIVE with you)

what the heckers, chess and checkers

my 61-pound 8 1/2 year old dog likes to blurt out "I'm just a tiny baby! I don't take up any space at all, really" as i fiercely defend the left-most 5-10% sliver of the bed that she allows me to sleep on

My wife and I are both working outside the house some weekdays; Tuffy the cat says "where are you going?" as he stares at us with sad eyes. When we come back, he purrs and rubs and says, "now you never have to leave again!"

hahaha

Tuffy is a great cat name, too

I WILL KILL YOU!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!

Oh hi, what's up?

Wow, the long-gone dogs in this thread!

Widget has such a wide array of vocalisations that they might as well be speech, but the bark that sounds like ‘RI-roo!’ means nobody is paying attention to him and this is very bad, and there’s a particular growly bark when he’s being challenged by humans that is definitely ‘fuuuuuuck yoooooou!’

If someone calls me Widget’s ‘mum’, I correct them absolutely instantly. I hate that shit - he is not my baby either; he is my widiot.

Dagmar is basically a pokemon who trots around going "dag dag dag i am dag", Jun has a voice that veers between French and Russian (b/c she is deposed aristocracy) and says things like "my sister eez a goblin" and "get zis peasant away from me".

When energetic, my cat will lightly chomp my hand or ankle then immediately lick the spot, which I always imagine her as saying, "Just playin'".

Dog: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

a classic thought!

https://i.imgur.com/MrYpwqA.png

i think this one captures a lot of it too

https://i.imgur.com/Qtf10rB.png

I think Tuffy's equivalent of a joke is running across the top of the stairs sideways with his back arched when he hears me climbing up, he never does it otherwise.

xp And its companion piece

https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ULEBmIw8JvI/VppTuDjXtqI/AAAAAAAAedo/2uv9_P4cMmQ/s400/far-side-cats.jpg

lol, hadn't seen that!

with my last long-term cat pal, Ralphie, i gave him an arch-villain kind of personality early on that seemed to suit his personality. he used to completely own the living room (and really all living spaces) by standing on the corner of a table and taking swipes at my poor dog every time she walked by. then loudly trimming his nails and letting the pieces fall in a pile. but then - similar to how i realized upthread that i was basically just using the cartman voice for an earlier cat i had - one day i realized that i was just using Brain's voice, from Pinky and the Brain. so i started adding a dracula affect as well, but it's still 90% Brain

i don't know the rest of you imagine, or what you do in general, when a relatively large cat makes a habit of standing on your chest and repeatedly jabbing the clavicle and adam's apple area, pawing and kneading and poking at it, just fucking _pressing_ it, over and over, until physically separated from your body. for me, it was all in the Brain's voice, it was the only way i could rationalize what was happening

Back in the summer, I was playing Henry Thomas's 'Bulldoze Blues" with the window open and watching a neighbour cat in the garden. Whenever the quills(recorder) kicked in, its ear went wild as if trying to get a fix on it. I'm pretty sure it was thinking 'What the fuck is this?"

https://fourandsons.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/FourAndSons_OffTheLeash_05.jpg

We've gone as far as to invent a nemesis for our cats called "Tea Towels" who speaks in a gruff cockney accent, much like my grandad did, and lambasts our cats for being "little boy lemons from the la la school", much like my grandad did me

one day i realized that i was just using Brain's voice, from Pinky and the Brain

Ha, there is definitely a Pinky and the Brain dynamic to our two and I have been known to sing "Dagmar and the Jun Jun Jun Jun" at them.

When any of the cats is tearing madly at the cardboard scratcher: "This is your FACE!"

lol

when it's a rough day at the office you have to let it out somewhere!

whenever my cats were scratching i always had difficulty imagining them saying anything other than "this is your irl couch! ha!"

It helps if they glance back at you balefully while shredding like mad tbh

Whenever husband lifts Bittser the dog out of the warm human bed in the morning to make him come to the kitchen and have his breakfast: "Noooooo, save me, mammy! I don't like to go!"

I once saw a nature documentary where a small monkey (a macaque, maybe?) was carried off by a troop of marauding baboons. The look of despair and terror on its face is similar to the one my cat wears when I pick him up and sing to him.

Decided to make this related thread: Songs You Sing To Your Cat