Battleship...the movie

Oh dear.

...Checkmate

CHUTES & LADDERS: THE MOVIE has to be next, right?

Connect Four? Mahjongg?

OMG I actually want to attempt a screenplay for Minesweeper.

Ridley Scott is attached to a Monopoly adaptation. I wish I was kidding.

So they've mined the Disneyworld rides, and they're working on the Milton Bradley boardgames next... I can only assume that a big-screen Captain Crunch adventure is just around the corner. Color me jazzed.

The phrase "Ridley Scott's Monopoly" has me confused as to which universe I am in.

This is about to start principal photography, and stars Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgard, and Rihanna.

The budget is over $200 million. The plot involves the navy fending off extraterrestrials, who presumably fire plastic pegs.

you're lying, you must be

lololololololol

OMG I actually want to attempt a screenplay for Minesweeper.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs

Taylor Kitsch is a fantastic name

they probably won't fire plastic pegs, but everything else i posted was 100% accurate.

got to laugh to keep from crying.

They gotta have someone scream "You sunk my battleship!"

they have to make that be the only line of dialogue in the movie

Hope the aliens have divided the earth into a matrix, targeting 'B-12' etc etc etc

"how can we see these aliens over this godforsaken wall?"

If they leave that line out it will be the dumbest move since "Connect, only connect" was cut from Howards End

xxp

I hope both the navy and the aliens stick to a 'one of each' mentality when assembling their respective fleets.

http://otakunogamers.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/futurama4.jpg

overheard some critics at screening last night say they were going on a Hawaiian junket for this film.

Glenn Kenny mentioned that on his blog today. Seems kind of pointless, but I clearly don't understand the ins and outs of Hollywood PR campaigns.

I know, G.K. was sitting behind me (in a Feelies shirt).

oh, New York.

Liam Neeson, reporting for duty.

Neeson plays Admiral Shane, the Naval officer whose daughter (played by Brooklyn Decker) is engaged to a young naval officer played by Taylor Kitsch. The pics shoots in Hawaii. Alexander Skarsgaard plays Kitsch's older brother, and Rihanna plays Kitsch's crew mate and a weapons specialist.

I hope they mean this kind of weapons specialist but I have my doubts:

http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/rihanna-hard-video.jpg

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/battleship.html?showVideo=1#belowNav

welp

cant wait for the scene where the dying alien says to liam neeson "you... sunk.... my ........ battleship"

Before it even got to the shot in the trailer, I said to myself, "Those alien ships are going to shoot peg-shaped things into the Navy ships to sink them" AND THEN IT HAPPENED PAY ME HOLLYWOOD.

lol max

Saw this trailer yesterday. had no idea when the big tittied girl was straddling the jock on the beach, that this would be a Milton Bradley production.

I want to commission a Twister movie

"Right foot blue...left hand red...but at the end of the night...someone will be DEAD!!???"

looks like a transformers movie, meh

but hang on, you're posts suggest this is actually linked to the board game? But I know that can't be correct as that would be RIDICULOUS

your

don't hate me

SYMBOLISM or something

http://www-deadline-com.vimg.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/battleship-movie-poster-2__120207064922.jpg

Related idiocy:

Ever since Universal announced its $200M budget buster Battleship, this sci-fi action adaptation of the Hasbro naval strategy board game has been a big question mark around Hollywood. Now, with just two months before the movie opens overseas in April and then a month later in the U.S./Canada, I’ve learned that Universal has hedged its bet. The studio has secured promotional partnerships amounting to $50 million for TV, print, and online advertising as well as the value of in-store packaging. And that doesn’t even count the cross-company synergy effort within Comcast whose home-owned inventory won’t be charged against actual cost. What’s even more important is that these promotional partnerships have come in response to the studio’s pitch to Madison Avenue for Battleship, with director Peter Berg screening 20 to 30 minutes of footage for partners and exhibitors across the globe. And the feeling is that, if the ad people like it and the theatre owners like it, then the moviegoers may not be too far behind. That’s certainly what Universal Studios COO Ron Meyer, Universal Pictures Chairman Adam Fogelson, and Universal Pictures Co-Chair Donna Langley are holding their breath for. One moment of relief: I’ve confirmed that Comcast chief Brian Roberts recently saw a rough-cut of the film and emerged “all smiles”. (NBCUniversal bigwig Steve Burke hasn’t screened it in its entirety yet.) Of course this is the fickle movie biz and the film could still flop.

the phrase "extinction level event" in the Battleship trailer makes me think Busta Rhymes albums, not board games, should be adapted as action movies

would play Buster Rhymes boardgame

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJwNmghVYv4

Just another movie that shows up Hollywood's reluctance to make anything unless it's based on an already existing IP. Probably not the bottom of the barrel though.

Studio exec 1: "OK, so we've got this idea for a hot summer blockbuster. Noughts & Crosses!"
Studio exec 2: "It should be Noughts versus Crosses to play up the conflict angle. Do you have a rough draft of the script?"
Studio exec 1: "Sure, right here..."

A street in the nightclub/bar area of the city. It is night time. Police sirens wail in the distance.
The leaders of two rival gangs (the NAUGHTS and the CROSSES) face off against each other, surrounded by their respective gang members.
LEADER OF THE CROSSES: "You're nothing but a zero!"
LEADER OF THE NAUGHTS: "Yeah? Well you're gonna be all crossed out!"

There's some green in that teal and orange film.

awful just awful

This is the second dumbest thing Rihanna has ever done.

what was the first one again ?
this looks so awful I'm intrigued !
I had forgotten I'd seen the trailer at the movies, previously. My memory must have blocked it !

tragedy this is coming out too late for the action movie poll

THE OCEAN

VAST

is anybody remotely prepared for the possibility that this movie could be ... entertaining?

not that i'm volunteering, mind

i'm always hopeful when it comes to giant spaceship movies.

the battle for earth begins at sea

o yea I saw this trailer before 'The Grey' the other day—just ridiculous. loved the "FROM THE COMPANY THAT BROUGHT YOU TRANSFORMERS"... did the entire art design process proceed via a series of plastic action-figures?

I'm trying to think of what the most ludicrous game movie would be

it's a toss-up between "Ants in the Pants: THE MOVIE" and "Pass the Pigs: THE MOVIE"

Need a dark, gritty version of

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_xfxmmOzXySs/SiBkijy32bI/AAAAAAAAAs4/T-4WBvZM-XE/s400/cootie.jpg

they did that already, it was called "Cabin Fever"

It's every other summer movie ever smooshed together!

Coming This Summer to a Theater Near You: Hi-Ho! Cherry-O: The Movie!

would watch Operation: The Movie

also Hungry Hungry Hippos

Hungry Hungry Hippos as a scary when animals attack movie would be RAD

Mousetrap The Movie: Missing scenes 2, 12, and 19.

Trying to imagine SORRY: THE MOVIE

UNO the movie could be fun. You could skip scenes, go backwards, speed scenes up. Think of all the fun. Fun, goddamnit!

Trying to imagine SORRY: THE MOVIE

This summer

You'll be... SORRY

Mastermind: The Movie! Directed by Terence Malick.

After years of languishing in development at Universal, Hasbro announced that Candy Land has moved to Columbia Pictures, with Adam Sandler slated to star and produce via his production company, Happy Madison.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTSpNa06lxs

somebody google cornhole movie and see if that's been done yet

Changing Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy to STRATEGO and naming each person after a game piece was a missed chance for synergy.

I'm certain it has, just not the way your local bros play it.

I heard that they were going to try to make Candyland some kind of weird LOTR quest movie? could be apocryphal, but still, lol

omg @ Hungry Hippos trailer. HAHAHAHA that is fucking great.

dudes battleship is ridic enough, none of these jokes are funnier than the fact that they are making a movie about BATTLESHIP

is someone going to say 'you sank my battleship'?

A friend and I like to joke about the gritty reimagining of Connect Four called "The Fourth Connection".

Please let the answer be, "Yes, Liam Neeson is going to angrily, intensely say that."

s1ocki why u not like our joeks?

im just saying

See I think it was already a missed opportunity by NOT having Neeson scream that in the trailer.

Connect Four: THE MOVIE

^ what i'm talking about

A friend and I like to joke about the gritty reimagining of Connect Four called "The Fourth Connection".

― Mike Love Costume Jewelry on Etsy (C. Grisso/McCain), Tuesday, February 21, 2012 2:37 PM (28 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

it'd be a romcom

it's a competition between two romantic consultants, a la Will Smith in Hitch. They have a friendly wager.

Risk would be the most boring war movie ever

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/ridley-scotts-monopoly-movie-hires-229944

first thing I looked for was a 4/1 publication date

no such luck

what is even happening JAAAAAAANE LET ME OFF THIS CRAZY THING

Human Centipede: The Game

*cries*

battleship potemkin: the game

das boot: the game

das boot: das game

hee

Mulholland Drive: the game

You are on the street

>Look North

You don't know who the fuck you are
Lez up with Naomi Watts

Berlin Alexanderplatz: The Game

"Average game play: 375 days"

irl lols @ aldo

there was this really terrible joel hodgson sketch show pilot that featured a life-size mousetrap from Mouse Trap.

Troll Hunter: the game

I would SO play that game

"Troll Stench sold separately"

>Infiltrate troll cave

Trolls discover you and chase you

>Fire light gun

You are a Christian
Tough shit
Trolls eat you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCwn1NTK-50

The Wicker Man: the game

cant wait for the scene where the dying alien says to liam neeson "you... sunk.... my ........ battleship"

― max, Wednesday, July 27, 2011 2:02 PM (6 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

oh shit i guarantee this is exactly how it's going to end

i doubt it, they clearly aim to be taken seriously by the target audience

>Fly seaplane

You are met by villagers in masks
You know there is a conspiracy

>Investigate conspiracy

You are scared by the depth of it
Everyone is against you

>Sleep

Rowan tries to seduce you
You refuse
You fucking idiot

>Visit Lord Summerisle

He plays the piano and fobs you off
You could have shagged Britt Ekland, you knob

>Dress up as jester

You are a Christian
Tough shit
The villagers burn you

aldo you're really good at this

If only it paid the bills.

And also, arguably, hie thee to my I Love Comics thread where I have reviewed DC's output for the past six months in order to play fast and loose with my sanity.

> there is a burned doll

how'd it get burned

> there is a burned doll

how'd it get burned

> there is a burned doll

how'd it get burned

> there is a burned doll

how'd it get burned

> there is a burned doll

how'd it get burned

> there is a burned doll

how'd it get burned

lmao

WARNING: you probably need to know something about my references to get the most out of it i.e. you should really understand a fair bit about shitty modern comics to get a lot of it. If you have little idea about who Geoff Johns is and how I hate him you will get less out of it. </pimping my stuff>

I just clicked over and read through that thread. I had used the New 52 as an opportunity to try to get back into DC after many, many years, hoping they'd disentangled continuity crap that I couldn't be bothered with, and after 5 issues I've pretty much given up on all of them except Animal Man, Batgirl and Batwoman. Action and Superman are such a mess I can't be arsed, and Detective started strong and went straight into the crapper. Should I keep up w/Wonder Woman y/n?

Y

to his proctologist:

"i want to have this thoroughly investigated"

The Mastermind box deconstruction thread already has the plot of Mastermind: The Movie.

http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Rihanna-Wields-Multiple-Massive-Guns-Battleship-Images-29550.html

http://www.cinemablend.com/images/news/29550/Rihanna_Wields_Multiple_Massive_Guns_New_Battleship_Images_1329851832.jpg

"YOU CAN STAND UNDER MY UMBRELLA! AND BY UMBRELLA I MEAN MACHINE GUN-UN-UN-UN!"

rumpapapum rumpapapum shot a battleship down

Dolores O'Riordan is in this, too?

http://www.cinemablend.com/images/news/29550/Rihanna_Wields_Multiple_Massive_Guns_New_Battleship_Images_1329851796.jpg

this was the look on her face when chris martin called her to colab

doh
http://www.cinemablend.com/images/news/29550/Rihanna_Wields_Multiple_Massive_Guns_New_Battleship_Images_1329851796.jpg

i work with some guys who worked on this and claim she's one of the worst human beings on the planet.

i'm still trying to process how this whole film isn't a colossal joke.

wait...how isn't it

http://io9.com/5892888/liam-neeson-is-commanding-in-his-role-as-red-peg-in-new-battleship-trailer

That is truly a stupid two minutes.

Battleship Independence Alien Iron Man Day

hahahah ugh

this is one Tim Riggins movie I doubt I will turn the corner on

The trailer was on before John Carter OF MARS last night, and it looked like stupid, stupid, stupid fun. I was almost tempted.

Oh yay.

http://io9.com/5894180/our-first-look-at-battleships-mysterious-aliens

Alex interrupts him, and sends Cora to the control deck while he leads the alien out onto the deck. He gets the crap more or less beaten out of him, but he and Cora have a plan. He buys her time to aim one of the cannons point-blank at the alien's head. It turns around to see the cannon about to be fired. Rihanna quips, "Mahalo, motherfucker" — and the cannon blows the alien away.

Namaste, motherfucker

peace be with you, dickhead

Go in peace and love to serve the lord, motherfucker

So that's what a quip is these days

the movie's ... zany sense of humor

Alex tries to win her over by getting her a burrito in five minutes. Unfortunately, the convenience store next door is closed, so Alex decides to break in and get her the burrito anyway. We switch to security cam footage - complete with Pink Panther theme - to see Alex breaking into the store, getting the burrito, and subsequently wrecking most of the merchandise in his attempt to get back out. The scene ends in complete chaos, with Alex running away from - and getting tasered by — the cops, a sequence that causes multiple cars to crash into each other to avoid hitting him. But hey — he gets Brooklyn Decker the burrito, and a true love is born.

Fuck OFF!

"From Hasbro the company that brought you Transformers"

so this sounds like starship troopers done sincerely

the aliens are called "thugs"

Huzzah

http://io9.com/5899767/first-clip-from-battleship-shows-off-the-aliens-board-game+inspired-firepower

"B-27!"

this would have been so awesome if it had the exact same cast but was set at a Battleship tournament

battleship the board game involved chain whips? p kinky

haha wow i hadn't heard of this till now, this is easily the most half-baked idea for a movie i've ever heard in my life

it will make back the 200 million opening weekend probably

I can't see this being anything other than a total flop, but I've been wrong many times before.

yeah I think there's little likelihood of a John Carter-esque 'you won't believe this but it's actually really fucking great' turnaround.

But then again...Tim Riggins DOES star in this also

> there is a burned doll

how'd it get burned

lol

so in all the film has nothing whatsoever to do with the board game? What is the point in paying the money, I'm assuming there was a licence cost, for the rights to use the board game name?

just to have the name attached to the movie, I think is what Hasbro wanted

i don't think there was ever much intention to make a movie OF the boardgame - more to reassociate the boardgame with something whizzbang cool so they can remarket it or something idk

they should have gone the Tron route. Some kid gets 'sucked' into a real life Batteships board game and has to play the Grid.

Or like 20 people in a giant Battleship costume

That would be some shit-head indie comedy though.

Michel Gondry/Charlie Kaufman present Tweetleship

baahaha

Father and son play battleship, then son gets pulled into a Time Bandits-esque midget alternate universe.

Ned I'm still giggling over tweetleship

How about, (and this comes from currently watching Deathrace - although I'm remembering the original movie rather than this prison variation), in the future people play real Battleships with real ships out in the ocean. Pimped up aircraft carriers and submarines! Televised annual event. etc etc

battleships transform into giant robots and do battle in the middle of the ocean

when i first saw the trailer, thats what i thought was happening for a moment.

I hoped, but alas, twere not to be

http://images.wikia.com/transformers/images/e/e6/Micron_Shockwave_toy.jpg

y are u not in the movie, battleshipformers

http://io9.com/5907006/8-battleship-clips-unmask-the-alien-invaders-and-they-all-have-goatees/gallery/1

Also the "Mahalo motherfucker" line is here.

Now they should license the rights to make a board game of "Battleship: The Motion Picture" that has nothing to do with "Battleship." Like one of those myriad Monopoly versions or something.

Battleshit

Battleshart vs Giant Octopus

http://www.tmz.com/2012/04/27/universal-american-battleship-lawsuit/#.T6BFzMRYuMd

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Yr-Y8IeWymo

looool

Universal Studios claims its new big budget movie "Battleship" is in jeopardy -- all thanks to a low budget straight-to-DVD knockoff that's coming out

This is what the business world calls "managing expectations."

this piece of shit was in jeopardy when they were doing reshoots for like 2 years

hey guys this movie looks really bad!

I don't have much use for this generally cretinous blogger, but he's upset.

I could call it stunningly idiotic alien-invader CG sludge for gamers but what's the point? What it is, boiled down, is yet another metaphor for the decline of civilization as it was once known and nourished by the likes of Norman Mailer, Anne Bancroft, Ernst Lubitsch, Jean Seberg, Gunter Grass, Bernardo Bertolucci, Jean Genet, Rainer Werner Fassbinder, William S. Burroughs, Francis Coppola, Sting, Gary Cooper and Jerry Lewis, et. al. Damn the ComicCon-ers for movies like this. Damn them all to hell.

If Battleship is a state-of-the-art 2012 Hollywood popcorn movie then kill me now. Stab me in the chest with a screwdriver.

http://hollywood-elsewhere.com/2012/05/alien_flotsam.php

Chuckled at "Sting."

He meant Sting in Dune.

I'll gladly stab him in the chest with a screwdriver. Nothing to do with hating on Battleship, mind.

get in line

I can feel the spittle spray from here

Battleship is obviously a popcorn movie, made in hollywood, released in 2012, with state-of-the-art effects. Dude really wants to get stabbed.

He was hoping for a Das Boot sequel, y'see.

would you rather see 2 das 2 booteous or das boot: tokyo drift?

I heard The Das Boot Rises is the darkest one of all.

Das Booty Call

i dunno if i'm even pronouncing it right but jurgen prochnow is a very satisfying name to say on any occasion.
rafe finnes who i always confuse with liam neeson is a very unsatisfying name to say.

so yes, dude is justified in preferring live free or das boot to battleship

this was a quality comment:

I dabble in languages and translated Jeff's comments into German then ran them back through Google translate.

Interestingly, they came back as "Who if I cried about BATTLESHIP would hear me among the angelic orders, for BATTLESHIP is only the beginning of a terror I can barely endure."

lol

Michel Gondry/Charlie Kaufman present Tweetleship
― Ned Raggett, Friday, April 6, 2012 9:02 PM

still cracks me up

Rainer Werner Fassbinder, William S. Burroughs, Francis Coppola

Had no idea I should be holding Hollywood films up against a list of The History of Western Literature & Filmmaking 101 Required Summer Reading and/or Viewing.

Also, where does all the Rihanna hate come from? She's just a Barbadian goddess tryin' to make it in this crazy world.

I think Wells was just writing a "We Didn't Start the Fire" sequel

Boggle! The Story of Boggle

Dare I make this joke:

Das Boot 2: Eletrik Boot-a-loo

(Elektrik)

http://gawker.com/5910266/battleship-director-peter-berg-to-israeli-interviewer-you-gotta-join-the-army-motherfucker

Words fail.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPBIDPIo92Q

Ha, the other day me and my brother were talking about how shit like Battleship makes it feel like we're closer than ever to Coupon: The Movie

I saw the shit out of it!

If they did manage to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie, though, I would see it.

Only if the hippos are something more like Brick Top's pigs in Snatch

Just occured to me that what the hell is Liam Neeson doing in the U. S. Navy?

Also occured to me that "TRANSFORMERS + Neeson speechifying" is a really good selling point.

Neeson is more American now than anything. Didn't you see Taken, where he donned the stars and stripes to shoot the shit out of foreigners?

i think the citizenship test is now just doing the "i have a particular set of skills" monologue

lol

lool so apparently I'm seeing this tomorrow for a work outing.

Boy o boy I'm so excited to see Tim Riggins Joins The Navy, Fights Transformers

The only reviewer that matters (aka Rick Juzwiak, the man who helped codify Punisher: War Zone as the slice of genius it is) takes it on:

http://gawker.com/5911532/battleshit

Rich Lawson's opinion carries more weight with me and he liked it.

He would.

Um...so I saw it this afternoon and I actually kinda dug it.

....

I know. I'm still working through the realization, lol.

It kinda felt like, Sunday afternoon tv movie rerun, like watching Independence Day or something and just laughing your ass off at the sheer ridiculousness and fun of it all. It was weird.

No matter how much I eyerolled through the lead up, the stuff with the USS Missouri in the final climax was really fucking cool. I swear. I couldn't help myself. I had to grin like an idiot.
It totally tapped in to the silly war movie thing without being all 'MURICA FUCK YEAH, totally tapped into the Navy thing without being a recruitment movie... they even use a Gulf War vet amputee as a landlubber hero in a sidebar story and it's a little corny but...I dug it.

It was over the top and it knew it, is what I think it was.

I would have hated it if like, Bay had made it. But Berg just seemed to have fun with it. Didn't take it too seriously, didn't make me watch ten thousand hours of indecipherable giant robot battles...and they did some cheesy shit with working the game into the movie that was kinda funny. And I got my wish: Plemmons and Kitsch pretty much acted out "Landry and Tim Riggins Join The Navy" in almost exact versions of their characters in Friday Night Lights.

I give it 3 out of 5 navy jet flyovers :D Good dumb fun.

plz tell us you snuck 40'z into the screening

no alcohol involved

But it would be funny as hell drunk