Classic or dud: pissing on your belt

damn button fly pants

lololololololololololololololololololololol

just to continue my european bathroom series

I go to Germany tomorrow so you know shit will get stirred up something proper then

did you do this because you had to piss in the dark due to outside light switches?

I wish ILX had "sticky" functionality, I would pin this to the top of SNA for MONTHS

xpost no, I did it for love

I'd do anything for love but I won't do THAT

is this a euphemism that i've never heard of, or some weird sex position?

German toilets have the 'shit inspection shelf', J0hn. Have fun!

. . . curious to see if anyone will say "classic."

suzy as I mentioned between a few choice Tuomas koans, the fragrant platform is well-known to me, I often use it as a metaphor for everything that's wrong with being alive

what's wrong with peeing on your belt? it's just urine, and i thought urine was sterile </tuomas>

is this just some weird thing where Americans are afraid of their own urine?

i don't understand the physics of this

i'm not afraid of urine, i just don't understand it

What is the shit inspection shelf?

Nick, I think this happens when you undo your belt to pee and it dangles into your urine stream.

xp LOL

omg mr que have mercy

it's a cruel thing, what you guys are doing to a poor dude who just pissed on his belt

for SHAME

It could also happen if you remove your belt, put it on the floor, and piss on it.

Jesse otm

Americans want to control their own pants so badly they have to use belts

is this just some weird thing where Americans are afraid of their own urine?

classic or dud, dropping the pear you were eating on a hotel room floor because you were lol'ing too hard at mr que's tuomas impression

xpost LOL, LOL, FUCKING STORM OF LOL

Is it true that in Europe, the belt goes on the inside of the pants?

someone please tell me about the shit shelf?

toilets in Germany look like this:

http://jingalex.files.wordpress.com/2007/05/toilet_bowl.jpg

hahahah look at that fuckin german toilet, it looks like a goddamn shit jacuzzi for SHIT

that seems like it would result in a lot of "painting of pictures" xp

they are the worst thing in the entire history of the world.

in an underheated German apartment, they will teach you that God is a lie.

it looks like a goddamn shit jacuzzi for SHIT

this... this is like a koan

shit hits the pan...

Normal non-german toilets have been having the same effect for my 5-year-old, which has been a bit of an issue lately.

is this just some weird thing where Germans are afraid of their own shit-splashback?

in an underheated German apartment, they will teach you that God is a lie.

I bet God would be an even bigger lie in a hot German summer with no AC.

this is pure hero material

http://www.banterist.com/archivefiles/000212.html

do button fly jeans really make this more of a danger? i don't think i've pissed on anything important since i started wearing them.

if a person has used the fragrant platform even once and still purports to think Germany is "nice," that person should be considered insane & incurable

is this just some weird thing where Germans are afraid of their own shit-splashback?

no, the main thing is German males love the prospect of "accidentally" letting their nutsacks brush across the top of a steaming pile of their own fresh waste

Do they have diarrhea in Germany?

that is one for the Zen Book of Poop

oh hey, come on now; there is still tons and tons of beer in Germany so I can endure a little bit of shit shelf every now and then

Do they have diarrhea in Germany?

yes, it is awarded to several lucky people by lottery each week

Germany has awesome bakeries

btw the true secret to navigating the German toilet is to sit on it BACKWARDS

i don't understand how flushing works on those things. not that i entirely understand how it works everywhere else but that's a needless digression

btw the true secret to navigating the German toilet is to sit on it BACKWARDS

just visualizing this makes me very very sad.

It's diarrhea time
There's no need to be afraid
At diarrhea time, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at diarrhea time

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones
At diarrhea time it's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the poo shelves that ring there are the clanging
chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

no, the main thing is German males love the prospect of "accidentally" letting their nutsacks brush across the top of a steaming pile of their own fresh waste

― a full circle lol (J0hn D.), Tuesday, October 13, 2009 1:50 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

aka the "weiner shitzel"

When you've eaten sauerkraut
and your bottom drops right out
Diarrhea

Whoa I did not know about this German toilet thing. Such a design flaw! So. . . un-German!

oh my god1

i would argue that it is very German because Germans are the kind of people who need to inspect their poop before they flush to make sure there's nothing Fahrvergnügen going on in Der Bowels

This is why my ppl are a superior ppl; we leave nothing to chance.

you guys are fucking killing me here

btw the German word for diarrhea is "Durchlauf" (literally, "runthroughiness")

you guys are fucking killing me here

^^^^

I hope the album 'The Fragrant Platform' is being demoed on your European sojourn, John.

i hate you all

holy wow, the comments:

http://www.toytowngermany.com/lofi/index.php/t764.html

The following is an excerpt from an article I wrote a few years ago on this topic.

The title is: "The Continental Shelf"

The idea of a shelf in a toilet means, in practical terms, that you either defecate very small turds like rabbit pellets or if you’re a person like myself who eats a lot and therefore lays large logs, you have to balance precariously with one hand on the toilet roll holder and one hand one the bath and lever yourself upwards inch by inch so that you can release the pasty. Otherwise you end up with piles and conical shaped shits where you’ve been forcing it against the porcelain. Either way, you inevitable end up with „Bremsstreifen“ (skid marks) along your inner thigh as the last and usually the sloppiest bit of the turd does „the scrotum scrape“. All this first thing of a morning coupled with the fact that whichever f*cker did say "yes" to the blueprint of "The Shelf" decided to add insult to injury and put a lip on the shelf and a pathetically weak flush that simply will not move the turd - no way. this means that you have to reach inside the bog and shift it with your hands. You have to wash your arse, your hands and the toilet. Stupid stupid stupid Appalling idea.

I don’t consider it taboo to talk about poo and I’ve asked a few Germans why, oh why does this phenomenon occur. The usual answer is „Well its practical if you want to take stool samples“.

Now. I, myself have a hereditary bowel condition which means that I probably have to take more than your average samples. Chefs, people who cook professionally, have to take I think three samples a year to be checked to make sure they are not passing on cholera or something. But your average person on the street - let me ask you a question. How many stool samples have you ever taken? I’m afraid I have to say, that even if I had to take a stool sample every time I dropped I would still prefer the old „turd in water“ model any day of the week. I mean it’s like a car with square wheels. The answer’s no, isn’t it?

Although these totally inconvenient toilets are becoming more and more rare, they still represent shit design.

The traditional brit crapper anytime.

I don’t consider it taboo to talk about poo and I’ve asked a few Germans why, oh why does this phenomenon occur. The usual answer is „Well its practical if you want to take stool samples“.

I mean, waht

From the comments on http://www.banterist.com/archivefiles/000212.html:

I sent a link describing the poop-shelf technology to a friend in Berlin last year, inquiring as to the possible reason for this phenomenon. His reply:
---
The question of the toilet is VERY EASY to anwer. As practically every German is health-insured, we tend to go to the doctor (as recommended) at least every two years for a throrough (and practcally cost-free) check-up. For that, you will have to bring some of your, er, feces in a specialized container the doctor will give you. So how do you get at your, er, sausage if it is swimming in water? With a German toilet, this is dead easy.

A second reason is the Germans' concern for health. We usually look at the, er, deposit, so see whether it is black (meaning that there is blood in it, could be cancer!) or has some other unusual colour not explainable by what has been taken in foodwise. So a light ochre means liver trouble of some kind and so forth. You may also see whether you got worms and so on.

So the riddle of the German toilet is none. It's oriented towards everyday health-monitoring.
---
So apparently, as bizarre as this practice may seem to us foreigners, there is some reason behind it.

Germany has awesome bakeries

I've been in France for two days & there is nothing a German bakery can show me except the quickest path to Italy

Also this thread caused pretty much the worst-case-workLOLs-scenario to happen to me just now, in which my boss heard me laughing, asked why I was laughing, and then shared with me her own unrelated and horrible poop story.

what a disaster for poop

better than pissing in the wind...

Germany has **suprisingly** awesome bakeries, for being a place that gave us the poop shelf, and also for not being France or Italy. I expected food awesomeness from those countries.

the thing that makes the fragrant platform so insulting is that, normally, if your gaze happens upon the water-filled bowl as it's carrying your shit away, no big. but every time you forget to shield your eyes when you flush the shelf toilet, which you will do, because the flushing mechanism is often a button on top of the tank, you will be greeted by a very 3-D demonstration of the specific heft of your payload. the water will rush out from behind it, and the whole mound will be carried, Marshall Will & Holly on a raft style, by this flush-wave down into the lower hole. it will leave streaks. these, too, will be washed away like tears in rain. time to die.

these, too, will be washed away like tears in rain. time to die.

LOLOLOLOL

and the whole mound will be carried, Marshall Will & Holly on a raft style,

dude.

there is something achingly existential about watching a pile of your own shit get pushed off of a shelf by water, though; I felt much closer to Kafka after my first shit shelf experience, as if I had gone through my own metamorphosis, only instead of turning into a giant cockroach I turned into a dude who had to wrap his hand in toilet paper and nudge shit into a hole due to low water pressure

'cept Kafka lived his whole life in Prague, which doesn't have shit shelves.

instead of shit shelves, they give you this:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3202/2810792993_77691c8278.jpg

imagine shitting in one of those

exactly, what was he so miserable about

xpost

Lol! That's the bathroom in a mall. I've pissed in front of those ladies a few times.

Here's my fun (non-shit-shelf) toilet:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Aw5TUvbjcKI/Sc_AX08cVcI/AAAAAAAAADU/SD0HQjXqsPw/s1600-h/toilet.jpg

the solution to this problem is obviously to shit in the bidet

I was pleased to have learned so much about American light switches from the other topic, but I'm not sure I'm quite so pleased to be an expert on the shit shelf.

That said, now I have to try one at least once. Before my metaphysical suicide, presumably.

errr.. that should've been
http://i34.tinypic.com/2e3y6if.jpg

hey that's pretty cool

secret message to thread starter:

is your belt dry yet?

"for some reason, it smells like bologna"

Chefs, people who cook professionally, have to take I think three samples a year to be checked to make sure they are not passing on cholera or something

Is this correct? American cooks don't have to do squat (heh heh) except show up for work and not bleed in the salad. (By law anyway, individual restaurants may ask for shit samples, I don't know.)

pretty certain Quiznos asks for shit samples, which they then put in the sandwiches

is your belt dry yet?

never dry again, never forget Night of the Wet Belts 13/10/09

xpost lol Dan

Related: pissing on your pants and underwear while taking a shit. It happens. The nozzle goes out of control and the stream shoots between the seat and the bowl onto your clothes.

that is the stuff of nightmares

Does anyone else have the constant battle with the "last drop" that manages to soil yr fresh underwear no matter how much you shake?

really enjoying the pisscussion here

it's a stream of conciousness

Does anyone else have the constant battle with the "last drop" that manages to soil yr fresh underwear no matter how much you shake?

there used to be a poem about it, at first a rhyming one but the free verse version was more powerful

no matter how you shake and dance
the last drop always falls
like snow on cedars

if you wanna talk about the "no. 1" of yore urine the right place

Related: pissing on your pants and underwear while taking a shit. It happens. The nozzle goes out of control and the stream shoots between the seat and the bowl onto your clothes.

Jesse you are like almost begging me to post something here that you probably don't actually want me to post.

wow i'm just gonna savor the "yore urine" euphony y'all. goddamn.

shit's getting heated on this thread^^

SPEAK JENNY SPEAK

last drop of what?

xp - Jenny, is this related to the dimensions of my manhoodliness?

(xxpost) absolutly steaming

few things are worse than the morning split stream

wait i just clicked 'bookmark'

why did i do that

dan otm

No, it's related to a similar mishap that might happen when you are standing up to pee and accidentally poop on the floor.

Whoops.

also jesse is otm, i have had ,,this'' happen

xp wait, no, god

holy lolz

looooooool

Why would I not want you to tell everyone that you did that? I don't care.

lol to that xp

yoga flame for all time

split stream
http://bornandbreded.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/crossed.jpg

when I saw that woman accidentally shit on the floor on Flavor of Love, I thought that culture had peaked. UNTIL NOW.

lock thread bathroom door

is the first part of your post too long to make a username xp

am twittering to friend with German wife about this mysterious poop shelf design, will report back

twitter.com/poopooshelf

Is it true that in Europe, the belt goes on the inside of the pants?

A++++, sir

Not only that, but in the UK, pants go on the inside.

btw interactions like the above are why it's so delightful to hang out with jesse and jenny in real life (not being sarcastic)

Does anyone else have the constant battle with the "last drop" that manages to soil yr fresh underwear no matter how much you shake?

In high school we dubbed this P.U.D. Post-urine drip.

btw interactions like the above are why it's so delightful to hang out with jesse and jenny in real life (not being sarcastic)

Except for the part where Jesse poops on the floor sometimes.

Jenny wears a ShamWow instead of a tampon.

archers of durchlauf

WOW

can I just... wow

quimwow

can't wait till I go to class tomorrow and explain what I was doing instead of the reading.

omg @ all of u

yeah i'm supposed to be working, i can't be farting around in this thread all day

i mean shit i have an exam tomorrow

(xxxpost) the prof is unlikely to accept your watered down excuse...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwRISkyV_B8

you might say...that shit got shelved

another day down the crapper

Perhaps tomorrow you can make a U turn and be flushed with success.

Um, my father and I discovered the Japanese toilets with the "heated car wash" option on trip to Asia a few years ago. He has one in his remodel, and I've added the electrical outlet for one of my own, someday. I feel as though I've been a filthy savage for most of my life.

WASHLET

great now I have Del's "Pissin' on Your Steps Belt" on loop in my head

uh derelict please elaborate???????

I thought the shit shelf was designed to allow Germans to inspect their shit specifically because of the amount and variety of pork (and raw pork, can that be right?) they ate. This made them particularly susceptible to tapeworms, which gave them a special reason to want to inspect their shit.

ew ew ew, suddenly this thread isn't awesome anymore

piles of shit on a shelf is okay but piles of wormy shit is a step beyond the pale?

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH

nope, still funny

IMAGE POST

this thread has gone to shit

this thread is a shitshow

As a 1/2 German American, I can attest to the compulsion to marvel at my feces.

classic because then wolves will no the belt is yrs and not to borrow it

again, holy lolz

this thread is such a treasure, i want to print it out, put it on a shelf and inspect it

Can I just slightly derail to note that sometimes in English it is deemed useful to add "own" to make "your own" and sometimes it isn't? Compare this thread with the R.I.P. Boyzone singer one: Pissing on your belt / Choking on your own vomit. Nobody blinks at that "your own vomit" but what if this thread had been called "Pissing on your own belt" ?

English is weird sometimes.

Thank you, carry on! :-)

this changes the meaning of a girl having a shelf forever.

the thing is Stan, pissing on someone else's belt is unambiguously classic

And choking on someone else's vomit? :-/

unambiguously dud

I have nothing to add at this point, but I feel like it would be a crime if I didn't post on this thread

GBX, for about $700-800, you can purchase a toilet seat (Toto Washlet) that will fit atop your standard western toilet that draws water from the tank, heats it electrically while you are seated, will spray said warm water either from the front or rear. The spray can be adjusted for pressure, temperature, oscillation, and positioning fore and aft using a wireless control pad at eye level. There is also a warmed air drier.

By inventing this, I think the East has bypassed a lot of slow cultural evolution, much as some developing nations have simply bypassed wired telecommunications. We cannot allow our nation to fall behind in toilet technology. Cue Also Sprach Zarathustra.

http://www.chinasmack.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/squat-vs-sitting-toilet.jpg

(xpost) You were risking court marshall!

geez i turn off my internet for one hour to finish a paper and LOOK what happens, shit everywhere

when I think "heated car wash", I think of this:

http://www.badgerlandcarwashequipment.com/images/topBrush.jpg

and that + my scrotum = not a good time

they have sex toys like that...smaller scale of course

I was lucky enough to be present at an example of someone choking on somebody else's vomit. New Year's Eve in the pub, a friend of mine had drunk excessively, to the degree that when he suddenly realised he was going to be sick it was too late, and all he could do was jam his hand up to his mouth in an attempt to stop it going everywhere.

The rather remarkable an extremely memorable effect of this was, because of the pressure of vomit building up, to send violent jets of vomity liquid shooting out at various angles from behind my friend's hand.

He was sitting down at the time, and to the side of him, standing up, was the local wide boy, volubly telling a humorous tale of some sort.

One the jets of vomit shot into his open mouth. He stopped quite quickly and started saying 'Ugh, what was that?' a question he never finished because it had become clear what it was, as my friend was now vomiting all over his hand.

The sounds that the chap made were quite remarkable. Gagging and shouting at the same time, uncertain of whether to drink or spit. It was, to everyone bar the two main participants, incredibly funny.

Next to each other? Is that for couples? How romantic!

not to spoil the fun, but can i just say i have been living in germany for nearly a month and have not seen a single shit inspection shelf toilet. how often did you actually see them dan?

the family I was living with had one, so every day!

(mind you this was 1991, things may well be different now)

holy balls I'm old

http://www.totousa.com/Default.aspx?tabid=272

"As practically every German is health-insured, we tend to go to the doctor (as recommended) at least every two years for a throrough (and practcally cost-free) check-up. For that, you will have to bring some of your, er, feces in a specialized container the doctor will give you. So how do you get at your, er, sausage if it is swimming in water? With a German toilet, this is dead easy."

Oh boy. This Friday is not going to be fun.

okay so at the point in that video when she sat down I got very, very scared

"do what you came to do, then reach for the remote"

we need an I Love To Shit In Germany board imo

could ILX coin a new German word for shit shelf: 'Scheissbrett'?

I like "Scheissbord" or "Scheissablage"

i hated those toilets when i lived in germany. i enjoy a good dumpread from time to time, and the smell precludes that.

plus if it's a big one there's the nagging thought that will this last bit actually have nowhere to drop?

is there a German word for skidmark? xp

guys maybe these toilets are there to keep people from wasting time on the shitter, and getting back to their damn jobs

is there a German word for skidmark?

Bremsstreifen (from a link I posted earlier that was swallowed up by the middle of the thread)

always on the job

with a scheissablage and diarrhoea does it just... pool?

lol Dan P why did I know you would know that

yes the solid bits if any hang around in the darkening pool while liquid runs over the lip every now and again. xp

I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do ain't pretty.

I'm disgusted that an innocent thread about #1 has turned into an unholy thread about #2.

Hope that it doesn't turn into a thread about #3's

http://www.mybadpad.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wavesink-2.jpg

and the whole mound will be carried, Marshall Will & Holly on a raft style

NEVER FORGET

xp water slides for babies seem really impractical imo

I've been browsin and inspectin / my own faeces, you know cuz I'm German

i'd like to try a crap in that sink

That would be worse than men who urinate in the sink (a pet hate of mine)

it would have to be a durchlaufer though

Ugh that sink is awful. I keep picturing all the toothpaste spit and loogies that would get stuck halfway down the slide.

i think that if you own a sink like that you do not have to wrry about cleaning yr own sink

I would only have a sink like that if I were rich enough to have a 24-hour on-site sink cleaner who would rush in like a Nascar pit crew and sanitize it after every use.

That's probably my basic requirement for voluntarily installing a German shit-shelf toilet, too.

lol, through tears of laughter I thought that waterslide sink was a toilet.

This person could also be in charge of cleaning/replacing any belts on which I might pee.

or if jesse poops on the floor

you horrible, horrible people

>: (

the theme of today's ny times crossword is toilets, btw

holy shit this thread

oh my god i remember i was in germany once and totally clogged one of those shit shelved toilets

they are bad news

I <3 this thread! Erm. In a non-coprophiliac way. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

yes, there is

not to spoil the fun, but can i just say i have been living in germany for nearly a month and have not seen a single shit inspection shelf toilet. how often did you actually see them dan?

Was gonna say... I've been to Germany a few times, and the only place where I saw the shit shelf was in an old Eastern German apartment building. I don't think newer toilets have them.

old germans staring with worried brow into the shelf-free depths of their children's toilets

you guys are trying to rewrite reality but ppl know the truth, and the truth is on the shelf

Cultural ambassadors:

http://www.scheisse-forum.de/

that shit ain't right

This would actually be really handy, the shit-shelf. Do you know how many phones I've lost texting while peeing, and I drop the phone in?! More than I'd care to count. Not fun, peeps, not fun.

Granted, I should probably not be texting while peeing.

neither is picking it out of the last person's crapping

true.

Just had lunch with 4 German med students and they said the flagrant platforms are rapidly being phased out for obvious reasons and seemed kind of embarrassed about the whole deal.

this is you: "*bites into sandwich* so tell me about your shitshelves."

Blimey if they were flagrant platforms I can imagine they would want to phase them out, ouch. ;)

What if they were flaming platforms?

Erm

Colonel Poo

I have nothing to add at this point, but I feel like it would be a crime if I didn't post on this thread

― Colonel Poo, Tuesday, 13 October 2009 21:52 Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Just sayin'

they have these in the netherlands too, where i first encountered them.

Someone I know just told me that they have to give a stool sample today. Very timely. That person has posted here.

recently-returned-from-Germany buddy sez:

"I can tell you all about the poop shelf. K's grandma's bathroom has it. We talked about it. Poop shelf pro: displays your poop on a photo ready background so one may inspect it without any visual obstacles. Poop shelf con: increases stink factor 1000%, especially embarassing when pooping at wife's Grandma's house. Conclusion: the poop shelf, while charming, has some pretty serious design flaws. Better to submerge that stuff."

LOLx10000 this thread has redeemed my miserable day.

It's funny, I first learned of the German shitshelf from a tour diary in Maximum Rock n Roll circa 1986 (i think written by pushead?) from which I remember the following A+ phrase: 'this allows you to examine your shit free from any aqueous distortion.'

Good to see you're all keeping this shit alive today.

Might as well, just for shits and giggles.

Good job too.

If there's a market for this in Germany, there's bound to be a market for it elsewhere. I can see it on the shopping channel already:

Mr. T: "My doctor asked me to bring a sample but I told him - yo, my feces is all wet and submerged, fool!" (frowny faced audience, nodding at each other in a "yeah, happens to us all the time too" manner)

Man in white lab coat enters and exclaims: "your worries are over, Mr. T! (pulls away curtain to reveal the all new poopshelf 3000)

obv the proper solution is a poopnet

We'll throw one in for free if you order NOW!

oh for Christ's sake I had forgotten how all the toilet paper here is left over from the GDR and has the texture of 3-day stubble

http://daviddoctorrose.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/getsomenuts.jpg

German toilet paper:

http://geomaps.wr.usgs.gov/parks/coast/sand/images/echinoderm.jpg

Alternately:

http://earth911.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/single-brick.jpg

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/images/uploads/9-10-pisa-book-shelf.jpg

would trade the toilet paper in here for that brick tbh

next thread will be "Classic or dud: posting while pooping"

seriously, I will overnight you this toilet paper and you send me that brick

think about it ok, situation's gettin critical

a brick for a brick, so to speak

"Ja...Herr J0hn? wie haben ein spezialdeliverie hier, ein brick von Herr Perry im der Haus der Lols"

chances of me opening anything DP ever sends me that is purportedly a "brick" = absolute zero

looooooool

shitting bricks

J0hn, you need to buy some packets of Kleenex.

you can use them to line the insides of your pants in the recovery stage

I did buy some Kleenex in Hannover, I used it to sand down the frets on my guitar

Mebbe in the german view a bit of anal exfoliation due to ruff paper is desirable from a health point of view?

well that way you can get the stool sample and some bloodwork done in one go

AIIIIEEEEE

oh my god i remember i was in germany once and totally clogged one of those shit shelved toilets

Miss ya, Mand.

Kudos!

No poop or poop shelves involved in my german medical : (

http://www.kormoc.com/pictures/albums/Silly/badgers_arse.jpeg

Viz how I love thee

It's like wiping your nick on a cheese grater.

john wayne toilet roll

rough, tough, takes shit from nobody

True Grit

http://www.westons.com/acatalog/iza23v.jpg

Rooster Assburn

Brown of Harvard

Sagebrush Trail

"Fill your hand!"

http://gsc.nrcan.gc.ca/org/atlantic/images/unclos_2_e.jpg

Sorry for the revive, but this came up in a nutrition thread and I just had to get it out of my system. I've been embarrassed to admit it, but I've been living with a poop shelf for months now. It's bearable, though I generally try to use public toilets if possible. But the other day I had a nightmare scenario. I guess it was due to some combination of the shape and density of the poop, but the water just WOULDN'T flush it down the toilet. I tried and waited several times and it wouldn't budge. After the 5th flush I was running late for work and just had to shove it into the hole with the toilet brush (which really unleashed the smell of the turd).

great story, gonna go have lunch now

NEVER be sorry for reviving this thread IMO

Excellent revive. I'm sorry about your toilet.

I'm trying to figure out why on earth I had this thread bookmarked...

Because it was piss-on-your-belt hilarious?

wait - your home loo is so bad ("poop shelf") you'd rather use public toilets?

fetchboy's post raises an interesting question, 1.) could God create a poop-shelf toilet so powerful that it could flush away any poop deposited on said shelf and 2.) could God then deposit a poop on that very same poop shelf toilet so massive that even His specially-created poop shelf toilet could not flush it away

question 3.) is fetchboy thereby God

hahahah look at that fuckin german toilet, it looks like a goddamn shit jacuzzi for SHIT

― Andrew Kornfan, Tuesday, 13 October 2009 19:45 (7 months ago)

btw the true secret to navigating the German toilet is to sit on it BACKWARDS

― as strikingly artificial and perfect as a wizard's cap (HI DERE), Tuesday, 13 October 2009 19:52 (7 months ago)

ok I'd forgotten how ridiculously funny this thread was

I'm trying to figure out why on earth I had this thread bookmarked...

you'd rather use public toilets?

Better conversation, and if you run short of bogroll there's always someone there to pass you some more.

(x-post)

It was just a horrible moment of self examination when I noticed I had bookmarked a thread about urinating on belts and the cultural complications of the can.

no I mean I bm'd it too!

sadly this was to be the zenith of poop threads - and the tidal wave of shit it ushered in barely justifies its existence

i love this thread so much

We've been flushed with success ever since.

Every time I see this thread, I want to buy a new belt.

sadly this was to be the zenith of poop threads

"the last time you shit your pants" thread was the undeniable zenith, my friend.

no I mean I bm'd it too!

― gbx, Thursday, June 10, 2010 12:15 PM (41 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

abbrev LOL

:)

The public restrooms here in CzRep are pretty clean, especially the ones at malls, which conveniently seem to be built over every other metro station.

The unflushable shit made me laugh at first because it was kind of shaped like a dick and balls, with the penis pointed towards the back of the toilet. Little did I realize that the northward-pointing fecal glans penis was was so hydrodynamic that it'd ruin my morning.

Little did I realize that the northward-pointing fecal glans penis was was so hydrodynamic that it'd ruin my morning.

Thank you so much for this amazing sentence, the likes of which the world may never have seen previously.

and

Thanks for not posting a photo.

Did you think the response to your statement would be two kinds of gratitude???

Gives a new meaning to the term 'shit-dick'.

That raises two questions, namely, is that a term to begin with and if so, how different could the original meaning have been?

No I did not. I figured living with this monstrosity must've earned me something by now. I'd like to think that that sentence breaks new ground but the sad fact is that these toilets have existed for decades, possibly even a century (ugh), so it must've at least been iterated in German or Czech or something.
xxp

The combinatorial possibilities of natural language far exceed the number of particles in the known universe. Your amazing sentence has a very high chance of being historically unique.

Poop humor is the best frickin' humor in the whole frickin' world!

That raises two questions, namely, is that a term to begin with and if so, how different could the original meaning have been?

― sinister chemical wisdom (Jenny), Thursday, June 10, 2010 3:00 PM (24 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I hope you googled this and are not sitting there wondering.

Waiting for a sign.

I googled "poop shaped like a penis and balls" and deeply deeply regretted it. It's much worse than pictures of poop.

After some consideration, I decided my questions were rhetorical and opted to live my life in blissful ignorance.

thats how it starts, and then next thing you know youre taking pictures of yourself sitting in a comically oversized sundae

I will never not <3 this thread

xpost LOLOLOLOL

I googled "poop shaped like a penis and balls" and deeply deeply regretted it. It's much worse than pictures of poop.

fkn hell, no shit! ugh

How much worse could it be?

it is maybe 100x worse than an actual poop shaped penis and balls, believe

I'd say 1000x worse

I have a bad feeling about this, which thankfully I can't confirm b/c I'm in public atm. In about 4 minutes however, I will be off the bus and I doubt that I will.have enoughwillpower to.keep from looking up some emotionally scarring shit.on the internet.

Is the search with quotes around it or no quotes?

No results found.

oh, safesearch was on.

Nope, still nothing.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

ok i am also getting nothing when in quotes, are you GISing?

just let it go guys

ok why do i want to find this terrible thing anyway forget i asked

Post links to representative results?

Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman...

I see plenty of gross stuff as it is so I don't feel the need to search that

still waiting to do my first fecal disimpaction tbh

An important rite of... passage.

HA ha ha hahaha!

GIS without quotes, for those of y'all still struggling with it and with an dire need to know. It's like three or four rows down. I'm not looking at it again to tell you with any precision.

holy shit

I was only looking at the top row; dns tht the first time round ugh

lol @ all of you trying to share the pain

I feel that if I successfully never saw 2g1c, I can successfully never see this

An important rite of... passage.

Kane_claps.gif

god i miss mr. que

so many lols in this thread

I could swear someone posted a pic of such a turd, that they made themselves & then photographed, on ILTMI once. I mean, I hope that really happened, because if I have memories of looking at pictures of dick-shaped turds on ILX & those memories are dreams, then my dreams are sadly lacking in dreaminess.

although it sounds like something i would do, i do not think i have done this.

classic or dud: pissing on your gelt

http://diabetesdietdialogue.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/hanukkah-gelt-msn-divine-chocolate.jpg

I could swear someone posted a pic of such a turd, that they made themselves & then photographed, on ILTMI once. I mean, I hope that really happened, because if I have memories of looking at pictures of dick-shaped turds on ILX & those memories are dreams, then my dreams are sadly lacking in dreaminess.

― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, June 11, 2010 6:38 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

this did happen, and the turd was dick-shaped iirc

excellent shits that i have taken

hit 'previous page' for shit-dick!

i saw an elephantiasis pic and ANOTHER pic and i choose elephantiasis. fuck. fuck.

http://i49.tinypic.com/fc37kg.jpg

ZS otm

classic or dud: pissing on your gelt

You'd better make sure that it's chocolate in those coins...

fuckin urine streams, how do they work? at least it wasn't a fabric belt.

Pissing on the drawstrings of your pajamas.

oh man any kind of bathroom precipitation is 10000x worse when yr wearing scrubs

a goddamn shit jacuzzi for SHIT

I don't understand the last two posts very well. The second not at all.

btw the true secret to navigating the German toilet is to sit on it BACKWARDS

― as strikingly artificial and perfect as a wizard's cap (HI DERE), Tuesday, 13 October 2009 19:52 Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Making me think of this, and not in a good way

http://i27.tinypic.com/2lwunue.jpg

http://mimg.ugo.com/200911/31163/cuts/madonna-open-1_288x288.jpg

well i've done this a few times now but never has the piss been so spectacularly and widely diverted off of the surface.

xp "open your shart"

Thought this was a revive of this thread for a second:
i need to pee. does ilx dare me to wet myself?

Yeah, me too.

This thread is the only google search result for "poop shaped like a penis and balls" (in quotes).

^^^ me three. one of the best things to ever happen to ILX. Anyone still keep in contact with Hari Ashurst?

Fuck pissing on a cat.

We lock our cat in the bathroom at night because he had been jumping on the baby in her sleep. It's a pretty big bathroom and we rig it out for him so he's comfortable. He's lonely in there and I feel bad about it, but it's not cruel or anything.

Anyway, so I popped in there to take a piss on my way out the door to work and - trying to rub against my legs - he walked right in between me and the toilet. I didn't even notice him until I was pissing on his tail. It wasn't a lot, but then he turned around and rubbed his tail against my suit.

lol tough break, homie :(

A friend of mine used to have a cat who was very interested in the "piss arc" formed when you pee standing up. A couple of times when I did that, it was in toilet at the same time and tried to hit the arc with its paw. I dunno if this is common with cats, these days I always pee sitting down anyway.

I was rereading this thread as was going to repost some lols from it but Tuomas's last post is bemusing the hell out of me

Excellent setup, great premise, very mysterious Tuomas-esque conclusion. a+

Tuomas's conclusion is so letter-perfect one can only stand, pee, and applaud

remembered today why I never use urinals: the backsplash was severe enough that I may as well have just pissed myself.

there is some technique involved, yes

theeeese days

There's no technique involved in using a urinal; they all have a parabolic design which causes the urine to splash perpendicular to the direction it hit the back wall, so if you are getting splashed that means you are either using a dirty urinal or standing in the urinal.

Classic or dud: pissing on your belt while standing in the urinal

xp ok but dirty urinals aren't exactly some rare species in the wild

No, but considering that a significant number of guys basically hump them while pissing (you know you've all seen this), it's not really a surprise that something designed to to splash them during use might splash them

in a way the best urinals are the old-fashioned ones that go all the way to the floor

how about the ones that are just a slanted wall with water running down them?

by the way I wish DJP had chosen a picture of a german toilet that did not look like it uses jagermeister as flushing water upthread

sometimes I take my belt off before I piss and just drag it against the back of the urinal as a sort of opening gambit, just get all the suspense outta the way and wet up the belt, I know my belt pissers feel me

yeah i used to attend a teen disco where it was the wall, with a trough running along the floor. Good times.

and it was packed for space so the tall fellas would just stand akimbo over the short fellas and have at, i was, thankfully, a taller fella.

i feel you, aero

"opening gambit" just killed me

guys its true its all true

we have a nozzle we can direct anywhere and a prostate, not that hard to keep it where you want it imo

What's the prostate got to do w/ it?

/tinaturner

nah the sceisseschelffen

they are worse here than in holland. i dont think theyre as deep...

*looks it up* ok pc muscle, it's close by, you know what i mean xp

Oh. No, I thought there was something about the prostate that I didn't know. Something specific, I mean.

I've never seen the shelf in Holland! I guess the advantage there is you might be stoned as fuck and what goes better with weed than the powerful smell of your own rich poop

besides "literally anything," I mean

The Dutch have to make their shelves slightly higher so that your poop sits above sea-level. It's the law.

the continental shelf

stansted hasn`t much going for it at midnight on a thursday but the cooling backsplash of a released turdtle makes up for almost anything

I'm serious about that Dutch law btw. They did recently have a debate about it in parliament, and though the upper chamber held it up, the motion was eventually passed.

true, but a few months later it was blocked in a lower circuit court however

yeah I heard about that - it seems every year it's harder to push stuff through that lower court

the early day motions can be particularly sticky

they all have a parabolic design which causes

what the actual fuck, america

love/hate this thread

new (ish, since February) flatmate has caused much bafflement chez sktsh with his terrible aim and mystifying insistence on always putting down both lids, which - coupled with the fact that he either doesn't notice or doesn't care enough to clean it - means you basically have to hope that there's not a hidden puddle of urine on the porcelain when you lift the lid to go next. (There usually is.) You can always tell when he's been because a) the top lid is down; and b) there's a little puddle of piss on the floor in front of the toilet

is your flatmate 5?

i know rite

(he's 29 I think)

i told a doctor friend about this in the pub and he looked very serious and said "perhaps he's got dual streams"

piercing?

the thing that makes the fragrant platform so insulting is that, normally, if your gaze happens upon the water-filled bowl as it's carrying your shit away, no big. but every time you forget to shield your eyes when you flush the shelf toilet, which you will do, because the flushing mechanism is often a button on top of the tank, you will be greeted by a very 3-D demonstration of the specific heft of your payload. the water will rush out from behind it, and the whole mound will be carried, Marshall Will & Holly on a raft style, by this flush-wave down into the lower hole. it will leave streaks. these, too, will be washed away like tears in rain. time to die.

― a full circle lol (J0hn D.), Tuesday, October 13, 2009 8:31 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

bravo!

xp hadn't occurred but i fucking bet that's what it is. what's the best way to surreptitiously find out? magnets?

mystifying insistence on always putting down both lids

why is this mystifying?

oh no sorry, badly worded: mystifying in the context of pissing underneath it first.

in other circumstances i'd heartily approve

We got a new toilet, which has a long and shallow bowl and while it's not a shit shelf toilet, let's just say I think about this thread and JD's post a lot.

xp hadn't occurred but i fucking bet that's what it is. what's the best way to surreptitiously find out? magnets?

― sktsh, Tuesday

pissin magnets, how do they work

Michael Lewis's Vanity Fair essay relating a German fascination with scheisse to the European economic crisis merits a mention.

Right after I started to piss, the lower panel of my top coat, which I thought I had positioned safely to the side, fell back into place in front of me. Most of the stream was deflected onto the floor, but some splashed back onto my trousers too.

#safespace

the cheap toilet seat in my apartment has this horrible habit of occasionally drifting down while i'm in the act and the result is, when the stars align and i'm the right mix of sleepy or otherwise reaction-time-inhibited, just really awful.

what is my life

oh yeah, we've got a "soft-closing" toilet seat or somesuch and you really have to keep your eye on that fucker or it might start drifting down mid-stream.

"european bathroom series"

I will piss on my belt, video it and post to ilx to create the positive energy required here

Watching anvil the story of anvil