Is this the most awful piece of writing ever to appear in a mass-circulation newspaper?

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/lifestyle/article-23853152-gay-party-animal-richard-dennen-is-making-up-for-lost-time.do

http://i.thisislondon.co.uk/i/std/siteimages/eveningstandard/columnists-2/richard.dennen.gif

got this far before agreeing with you

omg

LES will really print any old shit now, won't they?

:O

woah

Oh so this is your version of the Onion, then.

LOL

comments aren't bad

The second blow came from Dominic, aged 23 (only five years younger than me)

he's 28, wtf

this is like when i worked out that one of the dreadful nu-idolator bots was IN HIS THIRTIES

he's older than me! just...i can't even

his THIRTIES oh NO

Richard Dennen writes for Tatler.

More like Twatler amirite?

can you send punches via a comments box?

lol, i didn't mean that being in one's 30s is a terrible thing, it's just that...his cack-handed use of language and lack of critical faculties suggested someone a bit younger, like maybe 13

http://professional-geek.com/personal/images/kibology/tcpip_punch.jpg

AHAHAHAHAHA

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1999416,00.html

My town is totally unfamiliar to me. The Pizza Hut where my busboy friends stole pies for our drunken parties is now an Indian sweets shop with a completely inappropriate roof. The A&P I shoplifted from is now an Indian grocery. The multiplex where we snuck into R-rated movies now shows only Bollywood films and serves samosas. The Italian restaurant that my friends stole cash from as waiters is now Moghul, one of the most famous Indian restaurants in the country. There is an entire generation of white children in Edison who have nowhere to learn crime.

Er, maybe if you hadn't stolen from all these places they'd still be in business?

Wow. Man writes "Immigrants who came to my town are stupid and they ruined it" and then wonders why people got upset? And then says he was just trying to explore his own feelings in order to understand how we can have better race relations? Amazing.

fuck white people

drunk posh boy >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> racist moron

omg the apology at the end of that time piece

wonder if tatler is all like this guy

I truly feel stomach-sick that I hurt so many people. I was trying to explain how, as someone who believes that immigration has enriched American life and my hometown in particular, I was shocked that I could feel a tiny bit uncomfortable with my dothead curry bollywood gandhi samosas lolololol

Blimey, someone even worse than Liz Jones. Good luck Londoners.

Coming soon: Nick Griff1n writes for LIFE.

and we started to understand why India is so damn poor.

this is the funny bit right?

I am very much in favor of immigration everywhere in the U.S. except Phoenix, AZ. The mostly white suburban town I left when I graduated from high school in 1989 — has become home to one of the biggest Mexican communities in the U.S., as familiar to people in Mexico as how to instruct stupid Americans to eat an enchilada.

My town is totally unfamiliar to me. The Pizza Hut where my busboy friends stole pies for our drunken parties is now a churro place with a completely inappropriate roof. The A&P I shoplifted from is now an somberero store. The Italian restaurant that my friends stole cash from as waiters is overrun by feral chihuahuas

I know that as a breeder I cannot possibly understand but I am having trouble reconciling the shameless rush of TMI-divulgence in that posh guy's piece with him not coming out until his late 20s

Edison, NJ sounding pretty rad tbh, wd hang out, watch Bollywood films and eat samosas

Maybe it wouldn't be much better but my own version of that piece if I were him would just be "HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS GREAT FOOD HERE NOW!"

Richard Dennen wrote an article in last month's Tatler entitled 'The Interns: Never have so many battled to get coffee for so few'.

i can't even believe that that is a face

it comes to something when the times is owning you from the side of justice and fairness

I kinda love this article, and would love it if ILXors wrote the fictional further adventures of this guy.

HM, it's not surprising when the writer is Sathnam Sanghera. NOT a Thatcherbaby.

Part II:

“What's it like being you, Richard?” a journalist asked me a couple of years ago. I'd been papped leaving the pub with Prince William and there were a lot of them waiting outside my door next morning.

“It's a bit like being you. Only better,” I'd spat on the way to grab a coffee on Westbourne Grove. But my life was definitely not better than anyone else's last Sunday as I awoke to my phone blaring its Stones ring tone.

ok, not clicking on that

I'd been papped leaving the pub with Prince William

this wd be a pretty funnie line if i felt the guy could be credited with a jot of self-awareness (i.e. oh, yes, you got papped)

I kinda love this article

Me too

Are we sure this isn't Chris Morris?

I slipped out of the reception for a fag and thought — it's harder to find happiness if you're gay. It's even harder if you're posh and gay.

:-D

His flatmate is the woman in this article in guess which paper?

lol yeah i googled

what the hell is the appeal of that shit for the standard's readers? who enjoys reading about how fabulous dim rich people are? maybe this sounds naive.

'I just didn't like school. I was too creative for Cheltenham; everybody wanted to be a doctor.'

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00000FBTA.jpg

I think it's mostly that Geordie Greig lives in a weird aristocratic cloud cuckoo land where he thinks people give a shit about it. He did edit Tatler after all.

I completely assumed Willa Keswick was a made up name.

Admittedly the Standard HAS just gone back into profit which is pretty amazing in this day and age. Maybe the combination of massive distribution plus the activities and inane witterings of very rich people play well with advertisers?

woah. i guess the freesheet competition is dead too.

There are so many of these people.

http://www.celebritiesworldwide.com/NameInNews.php?Year=2008&ContentID=3384

Willa Keswick 20s
‘The Willmeister’ is the ridiculously cool and sexy queen of the Queensgate Crew who, from the Union Jack chair in her sitting room, commands unswerving loyalty from her friends. She’s simply amazing and has the best boobs in the borough.

Are we sure this isn't Chris Morris?

― R. Stornoway (Tom D.), Tuesday, 13 July 2010 14:45 (18 minutes ago)

Thought this while reading the article. This guy Dennen is so lacking in self awareness that surely he must be some posh Nathan Barley grotesque character.

I'd been papped leaving the pub with Prince William

^ better line than Chris Morris has come up with in a while, mind you

Richard Dinan 20s
Floppy-haired blond Richard is the blue-blooded and silver-tongued founder of student magazine Ammunition. He possesses razor-sharp cheekbones and a massive collection of guns. Keeps it real too and there is a definite whiff of Zoolander about him. Which is no bad thing.

Ammunition, you will want to know, has it's own brand of water.

She’s simply amazing and has the best boobs in the borough.

pics or gtfo

her band's name tattooed on her arm: 'Bromance'

Maybe it's just me but I think if your idea of "things to call a band" overlaps with "things to have permanently tattooed on your flesh" you may be doing one or the other wrong, or in this case quite possibly both

Neither of those things should overlap with the word 'Bromance'.

genuinely at a loss for words here

Umm... I'm pretty certain this is a spoof, no?

You tryna tell me Mr. UK Waistcoat is a fake?

All too real.

In all seriousness anyone not looking at that celebritiesworldwide link in Ned's post is missing A++++++++ comedy

Lily Balfour 20s
Quite simply the most fun girl in London. Does uptown reluctantly – she’ll be much more impressed if you take her east to some gritty gig.

oh dear, willa keswick has quite a .....strong.....profile. no word as yet on those boobs.

Ben Hypolite 20s
A ridiculously sexy and well-dressed advertising man, ‘Ben Ben’ is an unswervingly loyal friend and, along with partner-in-crime Jake Morant, Arsenal’s No. 1 fan. His ambition is to be in a Skechers ad campaign. Has ultra-strong arms.

... a hoy hoy unmasked

Jonny Cohen teens
Cute Westminster kid into Bob Marley and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Get your kit off and ask for a swim in the giant-sized Norman Foster-designed pool that venture-capitalist dad Ronald is building in their Notting Hill house at the moment.

In all seriousness anyone not looking at that celebritiesworldwide link in Ned's post is missing A++++++++ comedy

it's a DJ Mencap Facebook status goldmine!

Tyrone Wood 20s
Cheeky chappy Ty’s hilarious and currently the curator at family art gallery Scream. Beer drinker into Arsenal and models. Occasional beer spiller. Sometimes.

Pattern emerging

all utter cunts?

That Joel Stein piece is weird. Not sure of the point he's trying to make, even as satire. This guy has written for TIME for like 15 years, too.

lol @ James Blunt being in there like it ain't no thing

Jonny Cohen teens
Cute Westminster kid into Bob Marley and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Get your kit off and ask for a swim in the giant-sized Norman Foster-designed pool that venture-capitalist dad Ronald is building in their Notting Hill house at the moment.

― Psychic... Octopus... Another Mertesac (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 13 July 2010 16:00 (4 minutes ago)

PAUSE

this guy was loose friends with my brother at school!! until my brother decided he hated absolutely everyone at Westminster. still, he got a paid trip to a Test match out of him

idk who wrote these descriptions but half of them seem to have a REALLY REALLY SUBTLE allusion to narcotic consumption eg "whose fridge in his flat off Gloucester Road contains only orange juice and chardonnay", "Can go for days without sleep" etc

"Can go for days without sleep thinking"

a new most awful piece: <a href="http://www.asianreporter.com/stories/polo/2010/p-19-10.htm";>here</a>

"here’s a strong possibility that she’s about to re-form her school band, We Run In Techno-Colour"

this list is two years old so guess that never came to pass, sadface

"Reading a book about Albania at the mo."

totally (not) gonna have a Suzy-off about how many of these people I have second-hand knowledge of

Mika 20s
Take the Michael (Penniman) with the prince of pop and Gloucester Road’s finest. Has the biggest wardrobe in the Royal Borough and is very proud of his new bathroom. Nest in his Egyptian cotton sheets after a couple of pints in the Hereford Arms.

two years above me at school; never rly spoke to him but often observed his beret

Xan Morgan 20s
Utterly charming, floppy-haired Xan has ditched the odd dress sense to wear a suit every day. He’s drawing up plans to refound Chelsea’s groovy Sixties fashion boutique Granny Takes a Trip. Legend at football.

Legend at football

xp
could you get close enough to kill him now dyou reckon?

"Dab hand with a needle too."

another drugs ref?

Has the biggest wardrobe in the Royal Borough

narnia ref

Nest in his Egyptian cotton sheets after a couple of pints in the Hereford Arms.

i promise to make this a cryptic crossword clue in 5 mins

btw can I stipulate at this point that my family hasn't been going to Westminster for generations, but that I seemed to do quite well out of it so my brother took the scholarship exam as well and whaddaya know landed a 2 in 2 scholarship record for the J family. Legendary at scholarships. Sadly, my brother was and is a keen exponent of narcotics, hence didn't really spend much time buying into the Westminster ethos. That bit's not so sad.

et yourself back to his loft apartment (complete with river view), which is stuffed with a decent art collection (he’s got a Hirst).

says tamsin egerton, who im p sure id blap, has never had an injection. does this mean she 'chases the dragon'?

ok got as far as PHARMS ARMPITS and gave it up as a bad job tbh

Anthony Chin teens
Quite possibly the coolest person on the King’s Road, this chicken-loving budding rap star is nicknamed ‘Sideshow Bob’ (he has a massive Afro like The Simpsons character). Word from his calculus beak at Eton is that he’s a secret maths genius. Just don’t let on you know. Genius dancer too.

Is he in the Cabinet yet?

no fuckit these are all cryptic crossword entries

fuckwit crossword entries more like...

Yeah would be kinda great if this website turned out to be the internet version of watching hat video in ringu

Alex Finlay 20s
Drives around town in her leopardprint Smart car, known as ‘Barry Bongo’. If she wasn’t the mastermind behind Fin’s Shoes, she would be the sixth member of Girls Aloud. Take her out for karaoke. Only heirs need apply.

Angel horsing around? Take her out for karaoke (9)

BAN THIS SICK SOCIOECONOMIC SUB-CLASS

jealousy is a terrible thing

superclass, surely

<insert computer programming joke about 'inheritance'>

That Joel Stein piece is weird. Not sure of the point he's trying to make, even as satire. This guy has written for TIME for like 15 years, too.

― jaymc, Tuesday, July 13, 2010 11:03 AM (26 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

yeah i remember reading his quippy back page stuff in high school...really bizarre offputting article.

There should be a poll to see who'd be first against the wall come the revolution.

it really is the hitlist eh right

gatling imo

ah sure some of you would sound pretty bad given the tatler three sentences treatment.

some people are born entitled, some achieve entitledness, some have it thrust upon them.

people just have to learn 2 deal with my entitledness

dear ledge,

The Hon Will Pelham teens
Paintbrush-wielding Eton rogue who sent shockwaves through Sloanedom when he dyed his hair blue. Has a T-shirt that proclaims: ‘I only listen to unsigned bands.’ Aptly nicknamed ‘Crème’ because he is so edible. Hilarious.

i didn't say i wouldn't shoot any of them

two years above me at school; never rly spoke to him but often observed his beret

In my year, have been to house of - one of the most amazing & beautiful people I have ever met - fuck anyone who hates on this guy imo.

All the others sound v. awful.

well now that we know you know him, he sounds completely different to the rest of them

:)

ta be fair to the lad the Mika one is probably the least offensive one there. Likes clothes, has a nice house, enjoys the pub.

but he's Mika

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWpUFEXjVkE

As long as I never have to listen to a note of his music every again I have no particular problem with Mika.

im reasonably sure i never *have* heard mika </professional shut-in>

You must have done. When did you last buy a frap?

From what I've heard about Mika at Westminster, he didn't enjoy it very much and isn't the sort to seek placement on a ridiculous Tatler list.

Huge numbers of bullied public schoolboys go on to be in bands, FWIW.

...and schoolgirls. One former Britpop superstar was bullied by her posh classmates for a) being Jewish and b) 'YOU? Live in Kensington?' So she bought a flat in Kensington at the first possible second, with her own earnings, for all-important NERRRRR-type reasons.

There is no way Alma Cogan went to public school.

Friend on the Standard told me ... Geordie Greig firmly believes that Dennen is the voice of modern London youth. For his first column, the subs tried to squeeze the space down to 200 words because they were so horrified at that had been filed. They were told not to, and took their revenge by giving it the maximum possible space, meaning that to fill the slot every single word had to be printed and not a single execrable sentence could be removed - and also meaning as many readers as possible would notice and write in to complain,

bless those subs

geordie greig is obviously way more boggle-worthy than dennen

can this be a rolling thread for shitty newspaper articles? because holy shit i am in hate w/ this

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/travel/Life+shocking+gamble/3139627/story.html

it's a canadian paper but it is possibly relevant to britishes due to yba

can't believe i've just spent 2 minutes asking myself whether dennen is WS or not tho

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/lifestyle/article-23857965-stumbling-at-the-first-stereotype.do

Yeah okay this has to be a work of fiction.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/royal-wedding/8341490/Wedding-Day-Countdown.html

Sweet Jesus...

232 people recommended that article. 232.

And the names, oh lord the names...

Seems like a masterpiece of postmodernism to me!!

This week we’ve also moved out of London to our converted barn near Cranleigh in Surrey.

I (almost) feel sorry for Anthea Turner.

Surely Binkie is a man's name.

probably short for Bincastriona or something

for a minute i thought everyone on twitter was talking about binkie from electrik red ;_;

more here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/kate-middleton/8326591/Diary-of-a-Wedding-Countdown-I-know-just-how-Kate-feels.html

“I think we both knew deep down that we were the ones. Our families are very similar, too. Both our mothers have poodles and a parrot."

seeing 'Auchinleck' trend is a bit odd considering north africa is in the news

trmdedr

“We’d meet up at the Cowdray Gold Cup polo tournament each year but either one of us would be with someone so it wasn’t the right time.”

ya i was reading auchinleck's wiki a while back....cuckolded by another general and spent his last decades in marrakech iirc

A memorial plaque was erected in the crypt of St Paul's Cathedral. The tour guides relate how in 1979, as plaques for the other great Second World War military leaders were being installed, no one in the establishment had been in contact with his family for some years. Cathedral officials telephoned to enquire the date of his death only to be told "Auchinleck here - but I won't be keeping you much longer!" [50]

''It made sense,” she says, which is exactly what Prince William said about living with Kate in a farmhouse in North Wales, where he is posted with the RAF.

But almost a year before William proposed to Kate in Africa, Charlie went down

linebreak

on one knee on a skiing holiday in France.

Surprised they're getting married at a place with 'Chav' in the name.

The names are killing me.

"As a young girl I had a vision of being a bride with lovely flowing hair, much like Kate Middleton’s, so I booked myself in to get hair extensions at Daniel Hersheson "

The very first sentence makes it seem like she got the hair extensions when she was a very young girl. But that doesn't make sense, or does it? Oh, Binkie!