Obvious jokes/puns that people always make as though they were the first persons to think of them

E.g., jokes about the Dalai Lama when llamas are mentioned, or vice versa.

can we put "lamestream media" and "barack HUSSEIN obama" type stuff here too?

As-Salamu Alaykum // OSCAR MEYER BACON

smh @ kanye and nicki minaj in 2010 with this one

When I was a waiter at a seafood restaurant, people would often order the halibut by saying "I'll have the halibut [turn and look at fellow diners, maybe elbow somebody in the ribs]....for the helluvit!" [sounds like "halibut"]

In retail: at the register someone would see someone else they knew and tell the cashier, "HEY, charge him double!! har har har!"

When I used to work in a pub, every time I called "Time" on a Sunday night the same dude wd look at his watch and go "It's half past ten" with a big grin on his face. So badly wanted to glass him.

I've never heard anyone call out "Time" at closing. Usually "Last call!"

would have been better if he'd slammed a #2 pencil on the table and handed you a filled-in Scantron form

do u reckon NV unconsciously WANTED the idiot to tell him the time?

i remember reading on "tip the pizza guy" or a similar website that delivery drivers regularly encounter idiots who say shit like "yo, that pizza's for me!" or "yo, where my pepperoni at?"

when I waited tables and said "can I get you anything else?"

"Winning lottery numbers!"

I used to laugh to brownnose for tips, but by the end I gave the customers a lethal look that made them feel like Death was looking them in the eyes. There's just some lines you don't cross, bronco....

"HERE'S a tip... don't quit your day job!"

UGH - yes, "winning lottery ticket!"

I delivered flowers for a while and I got a lot of "OH! You shouldn't have!" or "For me?!" from people I passed. I wanted to just say dryly, "No." In fact, I am pretty sure I did, but only to men.

I've never heard anyone call out "Time" at closing. Usually "Last call!"

Under the old Britishes licensing laws you'd call "last orders" at 10 minutes before time and then "time" at the point where you legally had to stop serving booze. It's mostly gone nowadays.

My dad, who could be very witty when he wanted to be, would call my mum's favourite soaps "Dull-Arse" and "Dyssentry" every week for years. Not quite as hilarious as time wore on.

i remember reading on "tip the pizza guy" or a similar website that delivery drivers regularly encounter idiots who say shit like "yo, that pizza's for me!" or "yo, where my pepperoni at?"

One of my former coworkers, caught in a snowstorm that turned all of Boston into a parking lot for 7 hours, offered a woman walking home with a takeout pizza $50 for it because he hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was $8:30 PM. This started a bidding war among the cars around him, going up to I think $350.

The woman laughed at all of them and took her pizza home.

"HERE'S a tip... don't quit your day job!"

― 808s and Hatebeak (get bent), Friday, September 24, 2010 11:55 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

my sister-in-law was a waitress at a nice-ish restaurant one summer and one night she had a really bad time with a table (spilled coffee on some guy if I recall) and when they left the dude wrote on the receipt under the tip space: "Here's a tip: be a better waitress."

Laughing and saying "Oh ho, I didn't order THAT" when the waiter sets the check down on the table.

xp: that's really fucking mean

I'm not immune to this myself

server: care for some dessert?
me (after eating haddock for dinner): not tonight dear, I have a haddock [sounds like headache]

Again, waitering: When clearing a plate that is wiped clean, the eater says "Oh, I hated it! Can't you tell?!"

oh god, I actually do that one *ashamed*

you don't understand, haddock is the name of my dog!!!!!!!

well usually it's the "the meal was so disgusting, I just had to eat it so I could stop looking at it" variant but still

ok you guys have convinced me to never tell a joke to a waiter again

Again, waitering: When clearing a plate that is wiped clean, the eater says "Oh, I hated it! Can't you tell?!"

― DUMPLINGS! (Jesse), Friday, September 24, 2010 6:04 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark

the other night i overheard my waitress make this joke with 3 tables!!

My Dad does that all the time. Also: pretending to send back a bottle of wine after tasting it.

haha oh I love our text substitutions so much

I'm going to redouble my joking efforts. I think i'll start by going to the track and ordering the steak. plenty of fodder (lol) right there.

When I worked at Planned Parenthood, I would joke with the abortion patients, "No fetus can beat us!"

I do this. I've never thought I was the first person to think of it, though, and it's code for "this was really fucking good," so I'll be doing it again.

xpost re "hated it"

loooooooooooool xp

there's a whole threadsworth of music related shit puns alone. Hello "Rap? More like crap" and all the awesome joke artist names like Olivia Neutron Bomb etc etc

also see "gaydiohead" thread obv

xp Let's get cynical...

I say, "you can tell we hated it," about empty plates but it does mean that we really liked it, obv, and it's usually met with indulgence.

guys these are basically "dad jokes" right?

my dad makes a lot them yes

Sometimes I jump up indignant and point to my empty plate, screaming "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? HOW DARE YOU SERVE ME THAT DISGUSTING SWILL? I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD" and then I flip the table, then I sit down and say "no seriously, that was great; can we see a dessert menu?"

E.g., jokes about the Dalai Lama when llamas are mentioned, or vice versa.

"hello, dalai!"

Dunno about you guys, but I'm fucking printing this thread out and taking it with me tonight.

Just gonna hand it over at the end of the meal eh?

actual lol at hi dere

xpost. Ha ha, my dad used to say Olivia Neutron Bomb as well. It was topical once.

"the meal was so disgusting, I just had to eat it so I could stop looking at it"

I've done this, but not as a joke. there's something genuinely captivating about uniquely terrible-tasting food that there's a compulsion to take another bite to vainly figure out why it tastes so bad, but you never can, and before you know it, the food is finished. then hours later you figure out it was kale or something.

that is actually pretty legitimately funny TBH

wtf, sautéed kale is good stuff

Political puns of the Tony B. Liar variety are the worst.

There is a really awful, terrible bar (fratty as fuck, they have a stripper pole for the clientele to use) in Chicago called Good Bar. I don't think I need to tell you the jokes that you find on Yelp.

Philip, kale is not only great but I'm a little confused about the places you dine at. Do they have a 'chef's surprise mystery meal' option and, if so, why do you keep ordering it?

Jesse, is one of the strippers' last name, Turr?

Is that joke, if so, I don't get it.....

(in case that's not a joke, there are no strippers)

lol

If I am in a bar full of frat boys and stripper poles, I'm usually there for the handbag house music.

Okay, so maybe she's a regular...

Some classics on the Guardian Bono thread I'm reading: calling him "Bongo" or "Bonzo" and saying "Make Bono History". Comment threads are a gold mine of people cracking ancient jokes as if they've just thought of them.

mary j bilge is another one of those

TOTAL side-eye to people who do that

Man, I only ever call him Bonio.

ok you guys have convinced me to never tell a joke to a waiter again

It's alright to tell a waiter a joke he's heard a million times before. We don't mind that much. You're not actually there to entertain us. But don't make any sort of joke about tips or tipping. That's, at best, innocent and well-meaning, but really gauche. And at worst, you might come off as the kind of asshole who gets off on being able to order people around.

^^^

fuck all those old men with twinkles in their eyes who proclaimed "you are a gentleman and a scholar!" when I bagged groceries for them as a high school kid. very hard not to interpret that as a veiled gesture of disdain, e.g. "haha you are so vulgar and servile and probably retarded, but thanks for not putting the cabbage next to the fish sticks, slave."

Here's another line I freely admit I use with waiters, specifically at a steakhouse.

Server (delivering my steak): Do you need any A1 or 57 or ketchup or anything?
Me: I hope not! I'll let you know after the first bite.

Best server response, which I've gotten a few times: "That's what I like to hear!"

xpost

Or maybe they were trying to be friendly?

probably

fkin' friendly old people...disgusting savages

Oh shit, I'm one of them.

Next time I eat out I'm going to say nothing, grin a lot and leave a 50% tip. These guys are prickly.

I'd advise you to eat a bag of dicks, WmC, but then you'd probably bust out with, "a plastic bag of dicks? oh no, we wouldn't want to kill any PLASTIC TREES" ha ha" and I just can't deal with that atm.

It's alright to tell a waiter a joke he's heard a million times before. We don't mind that much. You're not actually there to entertain us. But don't make any sort of joke about tips or tipping. That's, at best, innocent and well-meaning, but really gauche. And at worst, you might come off as the kind of asshole who gets off on being able to order people around.

― Two Red Ducks, Friday, September 24, 2010 12:40 PM (9 minutes ago) Bookmark

True. I've had people joke "Uh-oh, there goes your tip!" about a minor error like inadvertently calling pinot grigio pinot noir (I know the difference, just misspoke). Definitely in poor taste.

OK, I haven't turned that much into my dad yet. xp

But as for the rest of the jokes, whatever. In any dealings with the public you're going to hear the same thing over and over.

srsly what sort of cunt would do that

even cunts ought to be aware they are fucking with the people who will determine the sanitary level of the food they are about to eat

ha that just reminds me of the woman who pooped in her own ice cream in an attempt to scam a restaurant with a lawsuit

omg

I think a lot of movie quote usages fall into this too.

E.g. when someone quotes the Luca Brasi line to a person getting married -- "May your first child be a masculine child"

otoh usually when people quote something like "an offer he couldn't refuse" they usually do it with self-awareness about the cliche

Oh man I bussed tables at a "we grill up your own giant pile of shit" restaurant ("Mongolian Grill") for a month or so and anytime I walked by someone opening a fortune cookie, I got read the cookie with "in bed" at the end. It made me wish everyone was like my friend's fundie Christian dad, who refused to open fortune cookies because they were an "occult" form of "false prophecy."

Pro Creationism Soccer 2009

omg the poop ice cream family got $50K

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=662674&rss=yes

unbelievable

haha, dude, you totally made my day with friend's dad fortune cookie thing. that is the best.

Wait, so did the family crap in their own ice cream or not? And how has the world devolved to allow me to type that sentence?

from what I've read, signs pointed strongly towards them crapping in their own ice cream, but apparently the hotel couldn't prove it so they still got a payoff

You will achieve great prosperity after crapping in your own peach sherbet.

There's a "don't shit where you eat" joke in here somewhere.

I don't sprinkle jimmies in your toilet, so please don't pee on my sundae

I was thinking a 2 girls 1 cup joke...but those are not funny.

i was always confused by the reaction video where the teenage girls show it to their various family members, including parents, grandma. is sharing scat-theme pornography with your family a normal thing to do these days? am i just old-fashioned?

I don't sprinkle jimmies in your toilet

Um, actually...

the video presumably got coverage cuz showing/pretending to show 2g1c to old ppl is pretty transgressive

there are quite a few friends, and my dad, who will always say "did everything come out all right?" after a bathroom visit, and giggle like they told the most hilarious joke.

next time, I'm going to describe the contents of the bowl in such detail, nobody will dare utter that again.

For a while saying "internets" was one of these. Thankfully that has died down.

(xp) admittedly i say "i'll be in my office" a lot when i go to the head.

there are quite a few friends, and my dad, who will always say "did everything come out all right?" after a bathroom visit, and giggle like they told the most hilarious joke.

next time, I'm going to describe the contents of the bowl in such detail, nobody will dare utter that again.

the correct answer is to look slightly shell shocked and say "...no. I think I need to go to the hospital..."

Oh man in my house that would totally result in me calling 911...I'm not good at irony in that department.

I say 'more like Jeremy Pacman' at the beginning of every episode of University Challenge.

I'm annoying, and kind of a twat.

the correct answer is to look slightly shell shocked and say "...no. I think I need to go to the hospital..."

― Monkeys? Um, no. (HI DERE), Friday, September 24, 2010 2:59 PM (9 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

My favorite is "It looks like a Salvador Dali painting in there..."

hahaha

Turning the lens back on myself is hard.... One that I repeat over and over and over: when asking for a bite of food: "Can you just whack off a little piece?" It stopped being at all amusing after the first time, but it appears that a decade of repetition combined with the fact that it is utterly juvenile and an appropriately here-we-go-again delivery keeps it afloat.

There is one that I often say to store clerks, and I always hate myself for it, but I can't remember.....

my go to line:

someone: "did you get a haircut"?

me: "no, I got them ALL cut" *slaps knee*

For a while saying "internets" was one of these. Thankfully that has died down.

― rammer jammer jan hammer (Hurting 2),

In England - t'internet. Or Interweb.

Grr.

At New Year's, just before midnight:

"SEE YA NEXT YEAR!"

Making obvious jokes around random people is a simple social lubricant.

When the check arrives:

"HEY, I DIDN'T ORDER THAT!"

dads are the king of this

there are quite a few friends, and my dad, who will always say "did everything come out all right?" after a bathroom visit, and giggle like they told the most hilarious joke.

the variation i usually hear - and heard tonight, from my older brother, addressing my younger brother - is "didja fall in?"

Working at a supermarket in high school I got really sick of the thousands of people who call loose change 'shrapnel' and beam at you in the pause, waiting for you to laugh. I told my dad years later about it, and he was crestfallen - had been saying it for years and totally thought it was brilliant.

there are quite a few friends, and my dad, who will always say "did everything come out all right?" after a bathroom visit, and giggle like they told the most hilarious joke.

the variation i usually hear - and heard tonight, from my older brother, addressing my younger brother - is "didja fall in?"

Or, when it's *them* coming out of the bathroom, it's "Woooh! I bet I just lost 20 pounds!"

Ugh my most recent ex's dad is the WORST for terrible dad jokes in public/cust service situations. It always made me cringe. Hes a lovely man, but gah!

working hard or hardly working

"just off to the loo"
"have fun!!!!"

working hard or hardly working

― dynamicinterface, Saturday, September 25, 2010 7:25 PM (13 minutes ago) Bookmark

if I didn't say this my non-emailed work communication would be cut by 50%.

"just off to the loo"
"have fun!!!!"

― henri grenouille (Frogman Henry), Sunday, 26 September 2010 00:37 (36 minutes ago)

o shit. this is secretly the thread where we all realise how unfunny and unoriginal we are, right?

idg the off to the loo one

working hard/hardly working is also a staple for me

o shit. this is secretly the thread where we all realise how unfunny and unoriginal we are, right?

― Antoine Bugleboy (Merdeyeux), Sunday, September 26, 2010 1:16 AM (42 minutes ago)

At dinner tonight, I got the big pan of dessert put in front of me to cut, and I grabbed it and said "So what are the rest of you having??" and immediately thought of this thread.

One that I repeat over and over and over: when asking for a bite of food: "Can you just whack off a little piece?"

Ha, I remember my dad saying that once, unironically, and my brother and I stifling giggles.

Jesse's other long running fave is to ask people to adjust the volume of something by a "cunt hair" but that still makes me giggle which is probably why we've remained friends for so long,

That is not a joke. In the Seventh Day Adventist culture I grew up in, we measured things in cunt hairs, taint breadths, and cock's reach.

So Jesse will know the best way to get rid of doorstep JWs is to tell them you've left the 7DA.

Working at a supermarket in high school I got really sick of the thousands of people who call loose change 'shrapnel' and beam at you in the pause, waiting for you to laugh. I told my dad years later about it, and he was crestfallen - had been saying it for years and totally thought it was brilliant.

― franny glass, Saturday, 25 September 2010 00:45 (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

idk if this is a US/UK thing but shrapnel seems pretty ubiquitous as a thing ppl say - if I said it and someone laughed I would think they were sort of nuts

m night shamalamadingdong pisses me off

have been guilty of mary j bilge tho

Shrapnel is pretty standard description of British change, which isn't all that small - most people have been lumbered by enough one and two-pound coins to appreciate the description and *cashiers* have been known to apologize for a lack of notes with 'sorry, all I have is shrapnel'.

Same here, ppl say shrapnel all the time. It isnt meant to be a joke, its just a saying.

I also hear 'smash' a lot for the same thing.

I've been racking my brain for my father's own horrible Dad jokes but apart from the usual pullmyfingerisms and 'I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy' it's just a cavalcade of stupid nicknames for his fellow drinking men.

Wd put "shrapnel" into the large category of words that started life as a witticism but now are taken for granted as slang.

"How many of you work here?"
"About half of us hahahaha j/k"

My Dad substitutes "not too bad" with "not three terrible" when people ask how he's doing. I don't think he even notices he's doing it any more.

i love that

Now that I've heard that, I feel like I'm going to have to restrain myself from using it. God, that's awful.

yeah, I'm scribbling furiously over here

"scribbling"

Oh oh guys what about "What can I do ya for?"

I've always thought of shrapnel as coppers and 5 pence pieces, not larger coins.

Yep.

A guy I dated breifly recently got pissy mad at me for saying "I resemble that remark!". His argument was, people have overused the joke so much, that many people now think that's the real saying.

I was all uh, no, I don't really think so, I think people are quite aware of the pun (or self deprecating grin) theyre making. Was a pretty o_0 thing to get pissy over.

Thank you Stevie D for channeling my dad.

God, my dad has been saying "not three bad" for so long that I've seriously never really thought of it as being a thing! I say "what can I do you for" all the time as well, I don't even notice I'm doing it any more.

the only bad joke i remember my dad saying (he wasn't fond of telling jokes):

how do you capture a unique bird?
you nique up behind it!

... hilarious, i know.

a friend of mine told me every time his dad reverses the car he says wistfully, "ah...this takes me back"

i fucking love this.

Friend's Polish dad called Argos, the catalogue shop Britishes endure, AGGRO. In a heavy Polish accent.

just remembered that my childhood friend's dad would often ask us "well, if you call a quiz a quizzicle, then you call a test a..."

and peals of laughter would follow, obviously

a friend of mine told me every time his dad reverses the car he says wistfully, "ah...this takes me back"

i fucking love this.
--I see what this is (Local Garda)

This is p funny tbh.

yeah it's amazing!

comments about dyslexia when something is spelled wrong.

ian hislop always finds these HILARIOUS on hignfy.

*winces* I've been known to say 'lysdexia' when passing someone else's typo-ridden copy to my editor for LOLs.

"Who was this written by, Sid Lexia?!"

irl lol at "this takes me back" over here too

Have to say I imagined that said in a Terry Wogan voice.

my Dad is also fond of the "why was six afraid of seven?" joke

I say "what can I do you for" all the time as well, I don't even notice I'm doing it any more.

went 30 years and never noticed this is actually a dirty joke.

one time when I was a boy scout, I said to an old lady "How's it hangin'?" and then when she looked weirded out, i realized IMMEDIATELY where the saying actually came from...

Little and Large would do "Hang Loose" at the end of their TV show, with the hand gesture...

Yes, Whiney, it was kind of mean to remind that lady of the agony of Christ on the cross!

I laughed heartily at the reversing the car/"ah...this takes me back" joke.

Shrapnel is pretty standard description of British change,

Okay, that makes more sense. I grew up in NZ, and it was all old people who'd make the 'joke', so were more likely to have strong ties to England than us young'uns. I never heard anyone say it except old people to checkout girls, as a joke.

one time when I was a boy scout, I said to an old lady "How's it hangin'?" and then when she looked weirded out, i realized IMMEDIATELY where the saying actually came from...

my dad loves to respond to this with "a little to the left"

instead of saying 'bye' he likes to say "see ya round like a stiff one"

"This takes me back" is genius.

My dad can't drive past a cemetery without saying "that's the dead centre of the town".

My dad's were 'make like a preacher and get the Hell out' and 'make like a foetus and head out'.

This isn't a pun and hardly a joke but at my call center job I frequently encounter answering machine messages recorded by a couple alternating the words between themselves, like:

"Hi!"
"you've reached..."
"John"
"and Jill"
"please leave a message!"

does yr job take place in the 1980's? didn't think ppl had answering machines anymore

my dad loves to respond to this with "a little to the left"
--just1n3

Richard Pryor says this in "Moving" iirc

or yr job is set in present-day but occasional calls are routed back in time

Yes, Geordie's visor just discovered a temporal rift in the middle of our office.

My Dad substitutes "not too bad" with "not three terrible" when people ask how he's doing.

Not three bad is a standard one among a certain kind of Dublin man who we call the great little aul' fella. I don't know what the term for these men is in other countries. They all make these jokes, and quips along the lines of "have a nice trip" when they see you trip up. Oh, the hilarity.

Oh, and the other one is when you say that anorexic people "look in the mirror and see themselves as really fat", "I must be anorexic so, that happens to me!"

Maybe a little arcane, but last night I had to get all real and shit on a dude who was like, "Randy Newman, pfft! Stupid Disney songs" etc. Not a deal breaker, I don't guess. Some people just don't know. I wish they did.

is there a joke or pun in that i'm missing?

WYSIWYG

you shat on a dude??

lol

No. Not quite that drunk.

But I was a cunt hair away.

Making obvious jokes around random people is a simple social lubricant.

― Aimless, Friday, September 24, 2010 8:38 PM Bookmark

This is totally otm, but there are people who makes such jokes as though they had just occurred to them in a flash of brilliance and are not in fact obvious at all. There are also jokes that lend themselves to this to greater or lesser degrees -- e.g. "working hard or hardly working" is so cliched that I think nearly everyone who says it is aware it's obvious.

E.g. one that comes to mind is ironical variations on "I laughed, I cried" after a film or play.

"I laughed, I shit on a dude."

"This takes me back" is genius.

My dad can't drive past a cemetery without saying "that's the dead centre of the town".

People are just dyin' to get in there.

It's amazing how the first of those jokes provokes the clear image of an Awesome dad whereas the other two project dull jerk.

(sorry alisa)

"I laughed, I shit on a dude."

― kenan, Sunday, September 26, 2010 12:56 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

IRL LOLz

Randy Newman's Army employs some unorthodox strategies, I tell you what

:-(

My dad is an awesome dad, but he does have a terrible line in dad jokes, it's true.

When my family was on road trips, every time a "rest stop 1 mile ahead" sign came up, my dad would say, "Speak now or forever hold your piss." I think he made that one up himself.

stealing that one for sure

"Don't drink and drive. You might spill it."

All of my dad's jokes were basically lines from movies he thought were funny but weren't indented to be funny. I remember a big joke whenever we asked him were someone was, like our mom and he'd go, ala Clarence from Its a WOnderful Life "She's... she's just closing up at the library!!"

Similarly, if we were to pass by some old crap, he'd be likely to bellow "That belongs in a Museum!" ala Indiana Jones.

Now I do the belongs-in-a-museum joke and I'm not even yet a dad!

My dad does "YOU CUT THE TOIKEY WITHOUT ME" from Avalon for like every single thanksgiving since the 90s

Viceroy, I like those. Your dad has a good sensibility.

After a really depressing movie I often make a crack about its hilarity. I know better, but I do it anyway.

"So I walked onto the dancefloor and he was surrounded by birds"
"it was like that Hitchcock movie"
"The 39 Steps?"
"That's the one"

^my friend and I earlier - pretty sure we have done this 'joke' for maybe five years now?

crewsh side-issue thread btw Simpsons quotations

Hah yeah Simpsons episodes are my terrible-pun/saying achilles heel as if that even needed saying ;_;

Similarly, if we were to pass by some old crap, he'd be likely to bellow "That belongs in a Museum!" ala Indiana Jones.

That's a good joke. Well done your dad.

*somone is cooking in staff kitchen, smell wafts over*

"mmm... something smells nice!"

"yeah, i just farted"

my Dad is also fond of the "why was six afraid of seven?" joke
--Ed Kranepool borrow Chico Escuela's soap and never give it back (Eisbaer)

I do this as well, except that my punchline is "because 7 attempted to impose a neo-Fascist dictatorship on what as previously a democratic society"

"did you guys sleep together??"

"well...we didn't do much sleeping..."

*FONZIE THUMBS*

Stevie, that's wonderful.

"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it"

(I miss your dumb, corny jokes that you always told to me like it was the first time that I was hearing it from you, Dad, RIP)

"Can you sing solo? How about singing so low that I can't hear you"

(You thought that I wasn't going to remember this shit. Didn't you, Dad?)

I preferred Zoidbergs take "I'm on a seafood diet... I see food.. BUT NO ONE LETS ME EAT IT *sob*"

Hahah KMS on a similar one with my dad:

"Is that shit hard to do?"
("no, why?")
"its bloody hard to listen to!"

Coworker used to work at a liquor store and says she was guaranteed to get this line from customers at least 2-3 times a night:
"Would you like a bag for that?"
"No thanks, I've got one... she's waiting in the car haw haw"

Que syrah syrah! = wine joke

Me, my brothers and my dad were taking a stroll round the headland at our holiday house one year. Dad had been out fishing the day before. He points out to see and says:
"see that area out there?"

We nod.

"Well that isn't where I went fishing".

Points out to SEA. Gah.

"i had a quesadilla once. i was in bed for two weeks!"

"quesa"/"case of"

"Well that isn't where I went fishing".

i love this.

my dad does a thing where if you ask a stupid or even just conversational question like "oh, you're washing the car?" he'll go "no no, i'm washing the car." funnier in person prob.

Oh, my dad is really bad when watching football for inserting the name of another, unlikely-to-be-playing-football, celebrity.

"Scott MacDonald? You'd be better with Liz MacDonald! Scott Brown? More like Gordon Brown" etc etc. I suspect if he was young enough to understand internet-speak, he'd be all LOL AMIRITE afterwards. He really does find himself hilarious when he does this.

My dad's remix of 'the seafood diet' was to chew for a bit, open his full mouth to reveal the contents and then say "See? FOOD."

Also: "how hangeth the hammer?"

"You bastard" - Jesus

People who substitute "squirrel" for "girl" in the lyrics of popular songs:

"Squirrels! All I really want is squirrels! In the morning it's squirrels! etc."
"You think you got squirrel problems, I feel bad for you son..."

Seriously, dudes...

Friend of mine would subst: Trees..

"Trees, love the things they know, love the things they show, got to be where they grow
pretty trees, sunshine in their leaves..." (etc)

Yeah, and then there are the cow people. All "Mootallica - the Milkster of Puppets" and shit.

my friends and I do this with eggs - eggstistentialism and all that

My friend Courtney replaces "girls" int beastie boys tune with "beer" which I like.

"i had a quesadilla once. i was in bed for two weeks!"

"quesa"/"case of"

― 808s and Hatebeak (get bent), Monday, September 27, 2010 12:51 AM (9 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

this really pisses me off for some reason

I have a friend who substitutes "sausage rolls" for "rock and roll" in songs.

Best bud in high school came up with new lyrics for "Eyes Without a Face" when he worked at McDonald's. New title, "Fries Without a Taste."

hat for heart, glove for love. It's genuine classic material every time I tellsya.

lunch for love...
Feel Like Making Lunch

Friend of mine called Stewart substitutes 'Stew' for 'you' - "Everything I do, I do it for Stew" "I can't live if living is without Stew" etc. Never gets old.

Is there a song which cannot be made funnier by dropping the word "Trousers" in there somewhere...

Old Goons joke:

Me: (Hitting my head on a low chandelier) Ouch.

Mother: (In Peter Sellers voice) Don't walk into the light...

"Fries Without a Taste" is hilarious

You shoulda heard the Belinda Carlisle song turned into "Mad About Jews"

Steve Perry's 'Oh Sherrie' became 'pop a cherry, whoa whoa' in my gym class.

"Doctor, doctor! Gimme the news! I gotta... bad case of lovin' dudes"

we turned the song "Venus" into "Penis" with the immortal lyrics:

Got her on the mountaintop
We were hot and heavy again
Spontaneous combustion occurred
I was never the same

I got it
Yeah baby, I got
I have a penis
It caught on fire
Flames go higher

"You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to drugs."

ILE?? more like LIE amirite guys?.????

hahaha, yeah, that one brings the thread back to its title. xp

See also Depeche Mode "I just can't get it up". Yeah NO-ONE's ever said THAT before.

"hold me closer, Tony Danza"

You guys are veering off a curve here.

http://www.duntemann.com/kissguy.gif

see also: "Wrapped up like a douche/Another runner in the night"

but rewritten ≠ misheard

also: "Playing with the Queen of Farts"

lol, i should get my 5-year-old on here to regale w/ endless poop/fart song parodies

One of Dad's after-dinner Komedy Klassics: "Well, that was a meal fit for a king. Here, King! Here, King!"

obvi no-one thinks they invented it but ELF AND SAFETY LOL

see also: "Wrapped up like a douche/Another runner in the night"

Just realised I've no idea what the actual lyric is. Wrapped up like a deuce? That's makes as much sense.

(first line quoting Hi Dere dere)

Confession: I do quite like saying "hey, don't get all revved up like a douche"

couple of dad faves:

"'I see,' said the blind man."

upon returning from short trip:
"Back the same day we left."

"'I see,' said the blind man."

hahaha, I say this one.

Just realised I've no idea what the actual lyric is. Wrapped up like a deuce? That's makes as much sense.

"Revved up like a deuce" (aka a deuce coupe aka a hot-rodded 1932 Ford Model B) I believe

Every time "Sunny Came Home" comes on I always hear it/sing it as "Sunny came home with emissions"

I'm sorry I did this to this thread, guys.

My real name is Damien and when during my 9 year plus stint 'on the phones' for a leading UK telecommunications company, i would say my name and people would then respond by making some kind of musical sing-song with their mouth in an approximation of 'The Omen's theme. Invariably they might also make a spooky noise at the start of this or at the end. All that would be fair enough a few times a day every day for a decade and all 'cept it was rarely the actual Jerry Goldsmith 'Black Mass' tune from the film itself but rather some kind of weird "Dun dun duuun" / Twilight Zone hybrid. In the UK this was all exacerbated by the most popular sitcom of the late 80s/ 90s (Only Fools And Horses) having a character called Damien in it and whenever he would appear other characters would get *that kind* of music in their heads.

sister christian:

"MOTOR-OIILLLL - Whats your weight rating?!"

"you can't polish a turd". like...I mostly see this one on message forums, and it shocks me how people LOL at it like they just heard it the first time. that and "I just threw up in my mouth a little" or "if you <activity>, the Terrorists win".

people who say any of the three should be disemboweled imo.

so when would you like to schedule your disemboweling, since you just used all 3

b-b-b-I used quotes doesn't that give me diplomatic immunity or something

If you can't polish a turd, the terrorists win imo.

"you're from tennessee huh? tuh-tuh-tuh -- tennuhSEE! hahahahaha"

PS I saw these in NYC yesterday and was immediately reminded of this thread:

http://i934.photobucket.com/albums/ad184/sdolnack/d432b107.jpg

Jesse's other long running fave is to ask people to adjust the volume of something by a "cunt hair" but that still makes me giggle which is probably why we've remained friends for so long,

― Jenny, Sunday, September 26, 2010 1:54 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

A female in-law of mine uses this turn of phrase and I want to totally throw up. Not just in my mouth. Not just a little.

lol Stevie D

"'I see,' said the blind man."

A brother's horrible, nasty mother-in-law says "'I see,' said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw."
My brother needles her by saying "'I see,' said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and chainsaw." It bugs her.

can i have the halibody, instead of the halibut?

(hali BUTT see.)

halibuttcheeks xp

oooooh gonna go CRAZY and have a jalFRAZI!

ok no one says that

my best friend used to say "that's an OXY, you MORON".

we obviously pelted him with projectiles everytime he said that

I believe in violent response to bad jokes

IT Guy sitting at someone else's desk, repairing a workstation, has to put up with folks coming up and saying "Oh Jennifer! YOU LOOK DIFFERENT TODAY!"

^^^^^ should break their cpus when they go for coffee breaks

At first, I thought you misspelled "cups".

me too, until i read your post

i think breaking their cups as they hold them while on coffee break is a funnier image

i think breaking their cups as they hold them while on coffee break is a funnier image

i think breaking their cups as they hold them while on coffee break is a funnier image

i think breaking their cups as they hold them while on coffee break is a funnier image

flight attendant pulling the old 'welcome to flight 123 going to <WRONG DESTINATION>' joke

I guess you really do!

I think it's a chant that we are meant to participate in

i think breaking their cups as they hold them while on coffee break is a funnier image

that's what i meant

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_96Qi693ZMTs/Sp3Jc_LVCXI/AAAAAAAAAQk/M0aztX9OfIk/s320/billy_batts1.jpg

"Hey, settle down, don't get nervous. Just breaking your cups a little here."

wait. what? what's happening here?

something... WONDERFUL

hahaha I am so beyond confused!

I didn't realize I posted that over and over and over. Then I read San Te's re-post and thought it was a clarification of what I wrote. Then a;lskfj;asdlja;sgihawognw2N9403

http://www.observer.com/files/full/ZZ0244FDEB.jpg

"Motherfuckers.... all of you!"

I don't know if it's your browser or if the server just decided you were super OTM

Jesse why you braek internet ;_;

OMG, I'm stilling LMAO-ing over here.

this thread has inspired me to break one of my co-workers mugs, brb after i have done this

How long before we get tired of jokes about "breaking cups"?

I order my meds through a mail-order pharmacy. Every time the UPS guy delivers them he says "Here's your Viagra." And it never stops being funny.

Related, when my co-workers get packages in the mail, I say "Here's your pipe bomb."

when my co-workers get packages in the mail, I push them down the stairs. always a riot.

the packages or the coworkers?

either way, i agree tho

lol at pushing the packages down the stairs

"what do you think this is, a [whatever it actually is]???"

When my coworkers get packages, I break their cups while they hold them (the packages).

packages meaning parcels containing objects or meaning.....

Flight attendant on little prop plane from Sagninaw, MI to O'Hare, over Lake MI much of the way: "If this flight should turn into a cruise, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices."

^Class.

have we done folks dressing up better than usual at the office "how was the interview?"

I loved her! She had a few other cheeky things to say. It was a tiny plane on a tiny route, so I think she could get away with a lot. xp

well, you're on a plane.

you can't complain

^ an answer to thread question, obv

possible mad men obv joke/pun: un-lucky strike MOAR LIEK

twitter more like TWATTER LOL

facebook more like FACEFUCK ROFL

myspace more like MYSHITE HAHAH

ilx more like I LOVE COCK HAHA

cock doesn't start with an x

foreplay, dude.

Cocks are XXX.

And "Snarks on a Plane" (x-post).

LOL ALANIS MORISSETTE IS NOT IRONIC

LOL TROLLEYS HAVE BENDY WHEELS

LOL TROLLEYS WITH WONKY WHEELS IS AN OVERUSED JOKE

TYPING IN CAPS

http://www.bikesure.co.uk/bikesureblog/uploaded_images/halt-715807.gif

well, you're on a plane.

― HOOS' THE BOSS (ken c),

you can't complain

― HOOS' THE BOSS (ken c),

I actually laughed at this :|

Me too!

at work you walk in with lunch and someone says "what'd you get for me" or some variation

Oh ugh, I used to get that all the time when I worked in the tower IBM were located in. I'd have hot chips or similar and EVERY TIME some wag would comment "oooh, I'll have to steal your lunch!".

still catching up on this thread but i wanted to join the chorus of support for "this takes me back." Also I kinda like "dead center of town," perhaps I should pursue a new career as a hokey dad.

this one's spread like poison through my extended family: on any gift-giving holiday, when opening presents that are obviously books or DVDs, saying "i bet it's that basketball you've been asking for!"

i wanted to join the chorus of support for "this takes me back."

Someone was playing Deee-Lite the other night, and someone said, "This takes me back," and I said, "This takes me back to earlier today when I was listening to this album."

I am not socially rewarded for these kinds of comments.

"You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to drugs."

― Mormons come out of the sky and they stand there (Abbbottt), Monday, September 27, 2010 11:24 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i would defriend someone if they tried to pass off something this infuriating as a joke, is, thinking something is a joke but actually just returning a joke to original meaning

*ie not "is"

have we done folks dressing up better than usual at the office "how was the interview?"

Or "up in court, were you?" or some equally amusing joke implying that you have finally been caught for drink driving/child molestation/dodging taxes, etc.

At the end of a flight, the captain using the following in their goodbye:

"If you've enjoyed this flight then thank you for flying <airline you're flying with>, if not, then we've been <insert competitor>!"

True enough, I thought it hilarious, clever and very daring when I first heard it though.

XP I think it becomes funnier when the person really has been in court and they answer in a deadpan manner with the horrible crime they're up for. This seems particularly common here in Glasgow amongst our record shop clientele who would not be seen near a suit otherwise, but we still persevere with making the joke.

Has no mentioned post-haircut joke(s)?!

"I see you've had your ears lowered!"

"If I told you I'd have to kill you" needs to be pensioned off forever. I remember finding it funny once but that was many years ago.

"I see you've had your ears lowered!"

Not heard that, feel sad that thanks to this thread, I'll never get to use it with a clear conscience.

"i'm gonna take a walk." "hopefully it'll be a long walk off a short pier!"

this must have been said already but when chicken/dessert/other hearty foodstuff has been laid on the table but not yet dished out it is an iron law that some wag must say "but where's everybody's else's????"

OK, for all you northerers who have moved down south:

Variations of "What do you think of Electricity then?"

or even "how about that fresh air then?"

or as one of my french in-laws asked me, holding up a banana, "do you know what this is?"

i'd have thought air is fresher up north?

That's especially funny if you're from Hartlepool, btw. (xpost re: Banana)

Kenc, yes it is, you're never longer than 15 mins from countryside up there, but Southerners don't know that.

Yes, a lot of waggish behaviour gets trotted out when you go to the U.S. or the UK from Ireland as well. Potato jokes are the best ones.

As with all these things, two minutes of it is okay, but two minutes of it with every person you meet when you meet upwards of 30 or 40 people in a day is too much.

for awhile i leaned very heavily on "i ate that hummus too fast... i falafel"

i have the dadjoke gene don't i

Our Alice has something of a grown-up wit, so it would be bad of me to tell lines over&over, she might get the idea that repeating yourself is good.

Unusual wearing of suits or new haircuts can also be the set-up for jokes along the lines of, "hey, where'd krakow go!?"

I stared at that line for ages until I realised it was your name.

ages = 43 seconds, obv.

"didja get a hair cut?"

"i got em ALL cut!! hahahahaeheheh!"

Jokes about Krakow and Phuket rule this thread btw.

True story - waiting at the train station in Venice, a voice came over the PA and announced: 'Would all passengers that are going to Krakow please go to the end of platform 7'

Ew

this must have been said already but when chicken/dessert/other hearty foodstuff has been laid on the table but not yet dished out it is an iron law that some wag must say "but where's everybody's else's????"

― progressive cuts (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, 28 September 2010 09:31 (56 minutes ago)

my favoured variation is "so what are you having?"

I've now come to accept and indeed embrace the fact that my life is a million clichés intertwined in one giant cosmicliché.

you people just hate irl conversations dont you?

looks more like people hating 'obvious jokes/puns that people always make as though they were the first persons to think of them' but eh..

cheer up, darragh! It's not that bad!!

dont talk to me

"Clichés happen!"

You don't have to be mad to work here...

Actually you do.

xps to bearx3- yeah fair enough but some of this stuff is nothing more than verbal lubricant! irl ethan hawke doesn't walk up to you and utter deep meaningful truths to you tailored you your own soul & spirit out of the blue, doreen from accounts just wants to say something so as not to ignore you, but she's not got a clue who you are so she throws out a standard. i'm just bemused that this is a 'thing' that really annoys people. really?

dmac bowling into a thread and letting loose without a clue what's going on-

lazy cliché, tbf

I like obvious jokes/puns, they give me a warm fuzzy feeling

yeah I'm ~feeling the love~ itt much more than the annoyance!

I think we've deviated away from "obvious jokes/puns that people always make as though they were the first persons to think of them" towards "obvious jokes/puns that everyone knows are obvious and dumb and rubbish but we use them anyway and the result is some kind of warm and fuzzy collective recognition of how obvious and dumb and rubbish they are."

.. amirite?

.. araldite?

... eremite?

hermaphrodite

Does mimicing a drum roll after jokes count as this?

one I'm guilty of, after someone says something questionable, going "Survey sayyyyyyyyyyys...."

"Oh, you're from New Jersey...which exit?"

one the local Fundie church said when in their Mormon-bashing phase

"you spelled 'morons' wrong".

it's a wonder I lasted there as long as I did.

one the local Fundie church said when in their Mormon-bashing phase

Only in America...

it was more the youth group members making that joke, but it WAS after we watched a Mormon-bashing video sponsored by the leader, who was a middle aged adult, so can't let them off the hook....

"didja get a hair cut?"

"i got em ALL cut!! hahahahaeheheh!"

― progressive cuts (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, September 28, 2010 5:51 AM (3 hours ago) Bookmark

I use this joke ;_;

xxp to darraghmac: sure, i wld take a handful of these over ethan hawke reality biting in my ear, but on the real, if i were to hear the "workin hard/hardly workin?" or any of these customer to waitstaff jokes IRL anymore i'd be a little sour and i truly do love small talk 24/7

but, it's cool and i've definitely been hella laughin at dads in reverse sayin "ah, this takes me back"

do they all wear wacky pants at a fundie church?

"didja get a hair cut?"

"i got em ALL cut!! hahahahaeheheh!"

"His hair is thinning"

"Well, who wants fat hair?"

^ like this one, it's from a Spike Jones record

my hair might be fat now but your hair will always be ugly.

My Dad's building a full routine of haircut jokes including

"Was that the last haircut in the shop?"
and
"Did you get a free pair of knickers with that haircut.. coz they made an arse of it!"

Back when I used to only get my hair cut about once every 6 months, when people would ask if I got a haircut I would compliment them on their observation skills

everyone commented on my new haircut when i was twelve at school even tho i'd only washed it for the first time in 3 months

my dad always tells me I'm funny. funny looking, that is.

hey san te you're pretty. pretty UGLY!

;~)

I like my mum's comment whenever she's told she has a young sounding voice (which she has): "Now, if only I had a young looking face". Never gets old... unlike my mum's face (sorry mum)

xpost lol, my dad usually follows it with "But looks ain't everything. In fact, in your case, they're nothing".

sometimes to piss him off I say it simultaneously with him.

"Oh, you're from New Jersey...which exit?"
--kkvgz

A) idgi
B) when I went to Rutgers this was very commonly used to actually figure out where in Jersey people are. I quickly learned to just say "exit 2" instead of my actual town when people asked where I was from.

When I lived in California, and met people from Jers, they would get very indignant if I asked them this question.

those bumper stickers that say "Keep the Change" attacking Obama. HEELARIOUS :/

that's pretty funny!

My Dad's building a full routine of haircut jokes including

"Was that the last haircut in the shop?"
and
"Did you get a free pair of knickers with that haircut.. coz they made an arse of it!"

― meta the devil you know (onimo), Tuesday, 28 September 2010 13:31 (2 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

"Who cuts your hair, the council?" is my staple zing - I ganked it from a Smash Hits Q&A with Shaun Ryder

Classic teacher joke, when someone arrives late to class: "Evening."

"Glad you could join us"

"where the fuck were you?"

oh the lols

When someone exclaims "God!" or "Jesus!" there is often someone there to look up and say "Yes?"

when turning on a light: "let's shed a little LIGHT on the subject!"

when dearly beloved guest makes to depart at the end of the evening: "can't you go? must you stay?"

"he went very quick in the end" upon hearing of an RIP

"I'm hungry"
"Nice to meet you, I'm Alan"

One of my brother's, when passing a down-and-out or vagrant:

"Of course, I knew him when he had nothing"

Similarly:

"I remember when all this was fields" (points at fields)

My dad used to have a series of jokes when my sister and I were kids involving inappropriately placed commas:

"What have you got on, your mind?"
"How you been feeling, all weak [week]?"

. . . etc. Ah, dad jokes.

can a mod put a scary red "might induce nausea" tag in the title of the thread?

When someone exclaims "God!" or "Jesus!" there is often someone there to look up and say "Yes?"

― DUMPLINGS! (Jesse), Tuesday, September 28, 2010 11:56 AM (5 minutes ago) Bookmark

Doesn't actually belong on this thread because it's pretty uncommon and I kinda like it, but I knew someone who upon hearing the oath "my God", would reply "why does it always have to be about your God?"

Was it Steve Malkmus?

No, is that a Pavement line?

Did we do a 'Obvious jokes/puns that lyricists make as though they were the first persons to think of them' thread?

Is it one of the lines on that "Golden Sounds" song that everybody's talking about?

It's from 'Shady Lane', most of which I could probably sing w/ gun in place

It's pretty unlikely to me that she would be a Pavement fan, though.

When someone exclaims "God!" or "Jesus!" there is often someone there to look up and say "Yes?"

Ha, sometimes I do "You rang?"

"Well..."
"That's a deep subject."

I really hate it when my dad goes "Well, I'm glad they're gone", or something similar, just as guests are leaving the house. It's not that funny and it is really rude. Then I was out with some friends recently and one of them did it, thinking it was very funny. He was horrified to hear it was a dad thing to do.

What about "get the fuck off my property"? Is that daddish?

It's not that funny and it is really rude

how's it rude? assuming they can pick up on the fact that they're meant to hear it, that is.

When someone exclaims "God!" or "Jesus!" there is often someone there to look up and say "Yes?"

Hi Dad. See also waiting for an answer and going "Bueller...? Bueller?"

this one's spread like poison through my extended family: on any gift-giving holiday, when opening presents that are obviously books or DVDs, saying "i bet it's that basketball you've been asking for!"

Haah now I'm wondering whether we share extended family or this is actually even more widespread!

I think Dad jokes are pretty universal, my dad (and my husband, who isn't a dad and isn't old enough to be doing this shit really) says about half the things on this thread and I don't even really register them as even being a thing.

"I'm hungry"
"Nice to meet you, I'm Alan"

― rhythm fixated member (chap), Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:00 PM (51 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

in junior high, one of my friends would do this one all the time:

"I'm thirsty."
"I'm Friday, come to my house Saturday and we'll have a sundae!"

on any gift-giving holiday, when opening presents that are obviously books or DVDs, saying "i bet it's that jock-strap you've been asking for!"

My step-mom used to have a parakeet who lived by a window in the dining room, and when we'd have turkey on Thanksgiving, my dad always said, "Oh this is such a good ham."

Not an obvious joke, but I've been looking for an "in" to use that one for the past 20 years.

aw, i like that one

Sweet

my brother and I, at various events often say at the end "This was by far the WORST performance of Porgy and Bess I have ever seen".

(i'm fairly sure most of ILX knows where we stole that from).

The first time I heard "Bueller......? Beuller......?" was when a server I used to work with asked "Would you like a beverage" to her table and no one answered and they all sat there as if in a trance. They laughed aloud at "Bueller....?" and then ordered some drinks.

carlos bueller, server of the year.

the number one way kids ragged on each other when I was in middle school was making fun of wardrobe, chiefly, suggesting that you got your clothing at K-Mart.

a million variations of "Oh, I didn't know K-Mart had a sale last night".

^ not obvious puns that people make and actually are the first (and) last person to think of it

xpost

My retort to that was always 'that's because you were over at Goodwill'. xpost

someone accepts trivial accolade in a work setting: "i'd like to thank the academy..."

The whole "That's what she said" thing when I was in sixth grade was "what did your dog say?"

'when turning on a light: "let's shed a little LIGHT on the subject!"'

can we declare amnesty for all schwarzeneggerian puns? because they are always awesome.

is Steve Milliband played out?

this one's spread like poison through my extended family: on any gift-giving holiday, when opening presents that are obviously books or DVDs, saying "i bet it's that basketball you've been asking for!"

my family do a variant of this - the person receiving the gift spends a few minutes inspecting the wrapped present and guessing increasingly improbable contents. lots of 'is it... a hamster?' (spoiler alert: it is always a book).

but no-one ever acts like they were the first to think of it, it is pretty much just ritual.

"I feel like a hamburger"
"Funny, you don't look like one"

(i'm fairly sure most of ILX knows where we stole that from).

Wanna clue me in? This is the only Google hit for "worst performance of Porgy and Bess":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Alfred_Mosher_Butts

it was from an episode of The Critic, Jay Sherman's senile Dad said it.

^ ha, oh god, I forgot that one - this was the only thing I ever said at any time which anyone at my school ever thought was funny. I was a celebrated wit for approx ten minutes for the only time and it was such a shite joke compared to my usual repartee (which was usually met by deathly silences, tbf, because everyone in my school was a moron).

xposts re "feel like a hamburger"

At the newspaper I once worked for, I spent about 6 months sitting across from our food critic/classical music writer guy who was unlovingly referred to amongst some of us as The Troll. Every single Monday, without fail, he would use the same line on the phone. All day long. Every Monday. It went:

"Greetings!"

(silence while person on other end asks how's it going)

"It could be worse. It could be Monday!"

(silence while person on other end says, ummm, it is in fact Monday)

"Yes, that's the humor in it. Anyway..."

Also, when I was putting all the newsroom mail into folks' slots he would waddle back there, clear out his slot and say the same thing every single time: "Let me give you a little working room." He would also step aside and bow deeply and theatrically whenever a lady would pass him in the aisle. The Troll.

I read that first line, conjured up an image in my mind, and then got to the username at the bottom and realized exactly who you were talking about.

Like if Peter Jackson was one of his own Hobbits.

I thought you might figure that one out, Tre. He's also really into dinner theater and considers himself a stand-up comic.

He yelled at me when I was in high school, so I pretty much have no sympathy for his slovenly status.

"Haha look at this interesting story in the news! What if one of the people involved had said what Kanye said at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift?"

Argh Ive been known to pull out the "anyone? ... Bueller?" line more than once :/

"His hair is thinning"

"Well, who wants fat hair?"

^ like this one, it's from a Spike Jones record

How long ago? Cos Kenny Everett did this in a routine on his show in the early 80s!

(or did u mean Spike Milligan?)

- "did you just fart in front of my wife?"
- "sorry, i didn't realise we were taking turns."

"keep your eyes on your fries!" *reaches over and takes a handful of fries from someone else's plate*

- "could you please help me out here?"
- "what comes before ten?... NEIN!"

"i'm hungry"
"pleased to meet you hungry. i'm jim"

When people first find out my surname: "He's a good un!" (It's G00den)

I'm glad no one makes jokes on my surname (its the name of a mag about Rich Ppl)

Your name is Rich List?

Yes, yes it is.

Hray!

My full name is Trayce ftang ftang ole biscuit barrel Rich List.

my last name provides endless entertainment for others, it seems

Actually, to be fair, your full name helps the bad puns along nicely.

At the newspaper I once worked for, I spent about 6 months sitting across from our food critic/classical music writer guy who was unlovingly referred to amongst some of us as The Troll. Every single Monday, without fail, he would use the same line on the phone. All day long. Every Monday. It went:

"Greetings!"

(silence while person on other end asks how's it going)

"It could be worse. It could be Monday!"

(silence while person on other end says, ummm, it is in fact Monday)

"Yes, that's the humor in it. Anyway..."

Also, when I was putting all the newsroom mail into folks' slots he would waddle back there, clear out his slot and say the same thing every single time: "Let me give you a little working room." He would also step aside and bow deeply and theatrically whenever a lady would pass him in the aisle. The Troll.

this is incredible

How long ago? Cos Kenny Everett did this in a routine on his show in the early 80s!

It's from "The Man on the Flying Trapeze", it's one of the Spike Jones tracks with Doodles Weaver doing a fake commentary. The exact line is:

He floats by his hair. Ooh. Not by his hair. That would hurt!
Speaking of hair, a man came up to me and said,
"Doodles, your hair is getting thin."
And I said, "Well, who wants fat hair?"

I don't know for sure, but I'd guess it's from the late 40s.

Ah! OK well then :)

I was just at Dairy Queen ordering a milkshake and I almost quipped "i hope it brings all the boys to the yard."

This thread had killed all the joy in life tbh.

DO *YOU* COME WITH THE CAR??

ha! I laughed at that picturing some guy staring very intently (accusingly?) at a brand new set of car keys dangling from his thumb and finger, and also picturing that this bewildered guy is mark wahlberg.

another dad fave:

"You're going to wear yourself out jumping to conclusions like that."

My dad tended to say things like "Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first" or "You want a pony? People in hell want ice water" or "If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass a'hoppin'."

My dad just said "Shit in one hand."

Advice you cherish and follow to this day v

Sometimes "Let me shit in your hand".

Sometimes when I'm using the ATM at work someone will walk by and say "Get some for me!" and I'll at least try to let out an insincere chuckle.

You have an ATM at work?

might work at a bank / convenience store?

Or its in ze lobby?

tell me if anybody else has heard this lame one.

dude in front of me getting breakfast this morning had his laptop in a bag. lady cashier asks him if that's a laptop in the bag, he says yes. He says "it's really heavy today -- I'm gonna have to get rid of some of the information".

????????

I mean I get it but it isn't funny.

"I think I should empty it's wastebasket" works better, but still not funny.

Think Ill send it to Harry Enfield.

Yes, we need to rework this joke and find its target market before we roll it out to the general public....

That's the key to a good review in the Times.

Big Issue/Hobo gags about anyone remotely beardy or scruffy.

at the end of a brief email from one of my magazine's columnists (and millions of others):

"Please forgive my 'smart' phone for its typos!"

I don't have a smart phone. Is this a tag or something you can add to every message sent? I see variations of this all the time.

"please consider the enviornment before printing this email"

haha oh shit that teaches me to post on ilx with my smart phone

(i didn't, actually, it'd be quite hard to spell "environment" wrong that way with an autocorrect keyboard)

saw this bumpersticker "1 cross + 3 nails=4given".

OH DIE ALREADY

xtian groaners are a whole 'nother thread surely

one I'd rather not start!

I dunno, Christian Groaners are...

sorry, what are we talking about?

WHAT'S MISSING IN
C H _ _ C H
????????

Cheech?

i think you mean ch_rch

although it's true that there's not enough robert hood and dj rolando played at most worship services

Cage article in the NYer reminded me that one of the worst examples of this is variations on 4'33 jokes, like

"Hey, let's cover 4'33!"
or
"Dude is he playing 4'33?" when nothing is happening.
or shouting out "4'33!" instead of freebird.

Etc.

have done the above several times :(

at the end of a brief email from one of my magazine's columnists (and millions of others):

"Please forgive my 'smart' phone for its typos!"

Ugh, I have a friend (well, "friend") named Todd, who refers to his iPod and iPhone as "iTodd," and signs his emails, "Sent from my iTodd, please excuse the typos as I have big hands :)" Yes, with the smiley face.

This should really go on the "things that make you irrationally angry" thread . . .

http://rlv.zcache.com/ch_ch_whats_missing_ur_mug-p1685833765073430782ln5a_400.jpg

http://wordlywisdom.net/images/church.jpg

I have a relative who recorded voicemail message i third-person, saying, "Hello! You have reached _______'s cellphone. She's too busy to take your call right now..."

^ found in google image search

xpost

The 4'33 thing is a direct relative of "hey, it's the Jesus and Mary Chain!" whenever there is ever any feedback from a microphone.

Hoos missing in CH-RCH

have done the above several times :(

― officer i didn't know it was a penguin (San Te), Friday, October 1, 2010 10:23 AM Bookmark

Yeah so have I. It's kind of the archetypal "LOL I'M A SMART DOOD IN COLLEGE" joke. Which is exactly what makes it a perfect candidate for this thread.

I've been guilty of saying "This is the Schoenberg version" everytime a choir sings bad notes/off key

haha that's like a joke my dad would make

CD skips:

it's the Oval remix!

see a beach ball lying around
"oh darren bent's been training here"

every time we used to drop lines, our pacing would get too slow, or there would be too many dramatic pauses during a show, one director of mine would say we were doing the Pinter version of the show

when we're in the movie theater and watching a really dramatic/sad movie and the end credits start rolling I'll sometimes wonder out loud if they're gonna show some bloopers during the credits

Have had to train myself to stop saying "if he'd been any further offside he'd have been in the car-park" whilst shouting at football matches on TV.

as backpass rolls towards the goalkeeper
"CAN'T PICK IT UP!!!!"
and keep kicks it away
"OOOOH T'WAS LUCKY I REMINDED HIM"

Shouting "boo!!!!" as somebody runs in to kick a penalty.

sometimes it is funny like wot that time almunia or someone didn't do it

xpost lol

when we're in the movie theater and watching a really dramatic/sad movie and the end credits start rolling I'll sometimes wonder out loud if they're gonna show some bloopers during the credits

― peter in montreal, Friday, October 1, 2010 10:45 AM Bookmark

This actually made me lol

fabianski it was

There must be a "Schindler's List blooper reel" gag on Family Guy or something.

One that made me laugh out loud (giving respite whilst stuck outside Kings X station at 1am) was a homeless guy shouting "YOU'LL NEVER SELL ANY ICE CREAMS GOING THAT FAST!" at a speeding ambulance.

ahahahaha

LOLOL

Morecambe and Wise,.

Mark G - yeah, i know about that now (in fact i think you might have pointed that out before.

"tell me how you REALLY feel"

After someone's just said something incomprehensible or difficult to pronounce, saying "That's easy for you to say"

^ Stolen from Peter Cook in "Bedazzled". I confess i say this one a lot but then I like saying stuff like this

"They said it about a load of nutters as well!"

Peter Cook is a source of a lot of mine: "That could confuse a stupid person" is another.

"You were lucky!" after someone tells an self-pitying anecdote about their youth.

went out for drinks with classmates yesterday for the first time. felt like i spent the whole evening doing this thread :(

any type of Viagra joke isn't funny, never was funny, never will be funny again, and is an abomination against man.

I think my UPS guy's "Here's your Viagra!" joke is hiliarious.

*hilarious

not about obviousness but seems v popular and v lame stuff like beer o'clock

There is actually a beer now called Beer O'Clock.

a little part of me dies every time i ask whether someone would like sugar in their tea and they reply "no i'm sweet enough". it happens a lot.

is "cool beans" a pun? it seems like a strange response to anything if it means literal cool beans.

shyamalan jokes

grrrr shyamalan jokes

I still believe Disney somehow found a way to inject cool beans into our daily lingo and won't believe any reports otherwise

"there is an event happening across several state"

^^ fukken hate when people say this

stateS

After someone's just said something incomprehensible or difficult to pronounce, saying "That's easy for you to say"

I do that. Also when drunk/drinking people fuck up their pronunciation I sometimes say "Try saying that with a drink in you!"

variations on "this must be the schoenberg version" or "cd skipped LOL it's oval" or "[child's drawing] has a bit of matisse" make me irrationally angry.

oh god I make the Schoenberg variation joke all the time (sometimes I switch it up with Webern or Pinkham)

"this must be the schoenberg version"

dude i must be running with the wrong crowd but i can't think of a single person that would make this joke, or how it would be obvious to like 99% of the population

xp dan makin my point for me

also the "child's drawing" joke surely has to be the other way around---cf ppl chuckling about how their kid could do that

yeah that is a joke I use with my classical musician friends, not my co-workers

although maybe I should start *strokes chin, eyebrow arched in reflective thought*

whenever I actually make the Schoenberg joke, my friends laugh, not because they got it, but because I said it like a punchline so obviously it was SUPPOSED to be funny, so they laugh dutifully, and I die a little inside.

my friend with the Masters degree in composition got it but kind of chuckled in a "lol, you think everything discordant or atonal sounds like Schoenberg and I can think of 9 other artists that this sounds more like, f**kin' newb".

^^^ this is where knowing yr Webern/Harbison/Pinkham/etc comes in handy

(so you can be an annoying dick with terrible jokes, in case that wasn't clear)

(sigh, my life)

I should probably stick to obscure 80's metal references when I make jokes

"Are they playing or just tuning up?"

my friend with the Masters degree in composition got it but kind of chuckled in a "lol, you think everything discordant or atonal sounds like Schoenberg and I can think of 9 other artists that this sounds more like, f**kin' newb".

i love how dickish this is; well done, friend!

i wonder if they carried astronomy magazines that have uranus on the cover.

― got electrolytes (The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall), Friday, October 1, 2010 3:35 PM Bookmark

Quips about DNA or blood samples when asked for ID.

"oops! Shoulda left my guns at home" when going through airport security.

Man, airport security jokes are like the ultimate in STFU

I really wish people would actually get arrested for them

like that MIT girl form a couple of years ago, lol

my friend with the Masters degree in composition got it but kind of chuckled in a "lol, you think everything discordant or atonal sounds like Schoenberg and I can think of 9 other artists that this sounds more like, f**kin' newb".

1. Les Dawson
2-9. ?

I suggest that each person on ILX have a triple gin and tonic with lime juice/crushed mint leaves, then read this thread in its entirety. I lol'd at like 50+ of these things, I guarantee you it is worth the cost in time, alcohol and irl friends.

I totally busted out the "hope there's bloopers" joke at the movies today. This thread has really enriched my already well-stocked selection of bad jokes for many occasions.

^^^ I lolled hard IRL!

i wonder if they carried astronomy magazines that have uranus on the cover.

― got electrolytes (The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall), Friday, October 1, 2010 3:35 PM Bookmark

― i know why the caged bird slings (Hurting 2), Saturday, October 2, 2010 4:39 AM (6 hours ago) Bookmark

jokes about uranus are never not funny

The whole "That's what she said" thing when I was in sixth grade was "what did your dog say?"

Upon close evaluation & further drinkz, this one takes top honors -- probably b/c i never heard it in middle school... but oh lord i was in stitches for like 3-4 min when i read this shit. TWICE.

Bad jokes and classic rock: what gets me through every day working with the homeless.

When introduced to several people at once: "Don't worry, there's not going to be a quiz!"

Also, person at head of table says "I suppose you're all wondering why I've gathered you here tonight..."

(9:41:40 AM) jesusthegirl: Nice! I used to live in Tempe. I'm outside of San Jose
(9:41:51 AM) jesusthegirl: (CA)
(9:41:53 AM) manalishigreen: I wish I knew the way there!

And then I realized what I'd done!

I almost think anyone should be forgiven for sins like that when they're in a city that's part of a popular cliche. My host in Berekely was trying to take us to some beach southeast of San Francisco a few years ago, and she kept saying, "All I remember is that we're supposed to take the San Jose exit..." and I finally had to let go with that phrase after ten minutes of holding my tongue.

It's like how once when in college, we drove all night to Chicago, couldn't find the place we were supposed to stay, parked downtown and started walking around. One of us pulled his light jacket into him and said, "Damn, it's windy here." And how we laughed.

Can't wait to go to Rome one day.

jokes about uranus are never not funny

Es verdad. A couple weeks ago I posted on Facebook about International Observe the Moon night, and a friend responded with, "Hopefully they won't run into the same confusion that caused last year's International Look at Uranus Night to be such a fiasco." I real-life LOLed.

Our Amber mentioned one today:

"how come whenever anyone on TV has a lucky rabbit's foot, someone always says "It wasn't so lucky for the rabbit!" like no-one's ever said that before?"

She's right.

"Please be careful when opening the overhead compartments as the contents may have shifted during flight."

"I BLOODY HOPE THEY HAVE LOL!"
I make this joke every single time, and I'm not ashamed.

Please tell me you pronounce the "LOL" too when you say that?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuE_jqYNi3c

Also: bad Chinese restaurant puns. Last night we were really hungry and waiting a while for our food, and I said something about how I should have ordered the Cum Nao.

I immediately dropped to the floor and begged God for forgiveness.

i lolled

Just did one of these yesterday and then I realized what I had done:

Wife: "...I just want to keep it kind of low-key."
Me: "So I should invite the Norse trickster god?" (Loki)

I let her punch me for that.

Neil Gaiman jokes, oh dear lord

would have went for "thor-tainly" myself

noises that sound like farts occur (ie, shifting on couch/chair making rubbing noise) and someone immediately pipes up and says "Excuse you".

Also one that I'm glad passed mostly due to the temporary nature of pop culture, but given how humid it gets here, someone would always say completely innocently "It's getting hot in here", and ten idiots would be in line to say 'SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES'.

"there is an event happening across several states"

^^ fukken hate when people say this

― goole, Friday, October 1, 2010 4:10 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

??????????????????????

No results found for "there is an event happening across several states".

??????????????????????

yea it's a shame people don't have mouths anymore

the event was beatles being broadcast on a radio

Love San Te's display name BTW.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvmytj56Tck

Co-worker wore a suit to work this morning and I pulled out "Hey nice suit... so, how did the interview go?" and... lolz all around, actually!

yeah i have a creeping suspicion peope are using this thread for material

not me...paper doesn't really work for clothes

plus you can't make thread out of wood. you need cotton, or something synthetic.

So where did you find a wooden computer monitor?

Co-worker wore a suit to work this morning and I pulled out "Hey nice suit... so, how did the interview go?" and... lolz all around, actually!

I had a co-worker come back to work after a funeral. He was standing in the hall outside my office when the office smarty-pants walked by and asked, "Who's funeral?" The co-worker (who looked like Brian Eno) deadpanned, "My great-aunt's."

Smarty-pants quickly walked away and I'll never forget the pleased look on the first guy's face as he turned to look at me, confirming that yes, someone else had just seen that.

I wooden have the faintest idea corey, my work got it for me

:D

I'd be happy to axe around bough

if you're coniferous

No that's oakey. I cone look on amazon fir it.

you won't find firs in the amazon

firs are a kind of evergreen iirc

no elm done

Guys you really need to branch out more with these jokes.

Dunno, I think you could stick with it for a while

I'm rooting around trying to find more, but I think I'm barking up the wrong tree.

I've had it; I'm leafing

Upon learning that someone has turned 30: "now we can no longer trust you!"

you're eating or talking about junk food and someone says "breakfast of champions!"

daniel sturridge has gone to chelsea!

Percussive ones:

Tapping out the bassline to Losing My Edge when the conversation is dominated by the laments and criticisms of aging scenesters.
Tapping out the bassline to Vienna when someone says 'this means nothing to me!'
Similar desk-drumming action prompted by several Adam Ant tracks.

I have never witnessed nor read any observation of any of those events taking place.

you're eating or talking about mushrooms and someone says "breakfast of champignons!"

I lol'd.

me too :)

"i hope you like this curry i added a lot of cum in"

more chinese restaurant
"OH I THINK TODAY I FANCY SOME HO FUN"

Tapping out the bassline to Losing My Edge when the conversation is dominated by the laments and criticisms of aging scenesters.
Tapping out the bassline to Vienna when someone says 'this means nothing to me!'
Similar desk-drumming action prompted by several Adam Ant tracks.

― are you robot? (suzy), Friday, October 8, 2010 3:45 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I have never witnessed nor read any observation of any of those events taking place.

― http://tinyurl.com/hommphommp (Pleasant Plains), Friday, October 8, 2010 3:49 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

i'm just trying to figure out how you tap out a bassline on a desk

tho i have, more than once, heard someone in the aging scenester context reference "borrowed nostalgia for the unremembered 80s"

Man, I must be going to the wrong parties.

Or maybe just not going to any parties.

;_;

suzy lives in some apartment in williamsburg that's cooler than williamsburg

what human being could recognize the bassline to fucking vienna as tapped out by a pen on desk

LOLLLLL you say that, but it's easy to tap out Vienna or LME on a desk or the table at an editorial meeting and have it be recognized.

In trying to train ex-editor NOT to say he was 'adamant' that things happen all the damned time, we took to saying 'you're what?' and B would answer 'adamant' and whoever it was would get him to say he was 'adamant' a couple of times before saying 'that's OK, ridicule is nothing to be scared of' :/

bug splats on windshield: "i bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again." thanks for that one, dad.

There's another new one that I really like.

"know what the last thing that went thru that bug's mind was?"

Person #1: I lost 15 pounds! (turns around)
Person #2: (staring at their posterior) I found it.

"know what the last thing that went thru that bug's mind was?"

his ass

'you're what?'

tin roof rusted iirc

I just used "I love babies, but I could never eat a whole one" and felt this thread tapping me on the shoulder as I did it.

This morning I saw a survey stake planted in the back yard and imagined a future Dad version of me pounding such a stake into the ground and then declaring, "The world is a vampire." Thanks, this thread.