"My mom thinks I'm cool" - the lamest boasts you've ever heard

I love these, you know, like " I had my first beer when I was NINE"

"I don't know how someone who hasn't ever leveled past 18 can even talk"

Way back in 1987...

dork: "snoball, I hear your parents have just bought a microwave."
snoball: "Er, yeah."
dork: "How powerful is it? How many watts does it have?"
snoball: "Well I think it's 650 watts."
dork: "Pah! My parent's microwave has 750 watts! Seven. Hundred. And. Fifty. You're pathetic!"

"I drive better when I'm drunk"

Haha, I had an argument with a friend recently about microwaves, it was all about who could prove that they use their microwave less. It was basically just a guy dick-waving thing, with microwaves as a mere pretext.

boasting about how much you are able to drink and/or eat

why am I supposed to be impressed that you can drink 20 beers in one evening?

(have not heard this kind of boasting since I finished school though)

Way back in 1987...

dork: "snoball, I hear your parents have just bought a microwave."
snoball: "Er, yeah."
dork: "How powerful is it? How many /watts/ does it have?"
snoball: "Well I think it's 650 watts."
dork: "Pah! My parent's microwave has 750 watts! Seven. Hundred. And. Fifty. You're pathetic!"

Waht

person one: goole i like those pants you've got on
goole: thx
person two: [semi joking] yes you are always so well put together, excellent dress and comportment
goole: [also joking] thanks, i try to read all the men's magazines, check it, [made-up fashion tip about pants fitting correctly in the seat or something]
dude: YEAH, uh, i don't even READ men's magazines

Boasting about all the inventive loopholes you've found to get out of your second DUI.

boasting about all the drugs you've done

Same lunatic former co-worker:

"My family has owned like thirty cars. Look I have a powerpoint presentation with all of them."
"Yeah I actually operated on my grandmother. Well okay I didn't literally operate on her... but I was in the room when she was being operated on and I held the scalpel."

boasting about how much you are able to drink and/or eat

why am I supposed to be impressed that you can drink 20 beers in one evening?

(have not heard this kind of boasting since I finished school though)

Ugh, I worked with a grown man (with wife and kids) who did this. With the eating AND the beer drinking. It was just about all he would talk about.

lol @ alex scalpel

guys, i don't even own a microwave

^^^^^right there w/you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mldDHI9l1v8

>"My family has owned like thirty cars. Look I have a powerpoint presentation with all of them."

Years ago, I had a colleague who was like this about his own car collection: problem was he owned three cars, inexplicably since he was a 22 year old single guy, and they were a diesel Audi, a Nissan of some kind and a Corsa. His other main bragging rights related to his classic watch collection, which included a crummy looking Rolex and some QVC "RRP £1000, we sell for £150" Patek Iglesias style tat.

this kid in elementary school once bragged that his glasses were thicker than mine.

it's no wonder that kid got picked on royally.

matriculating at an ivy, particularly if its brown, pfft brown whatever

no wait saying 'i couldve got into harvard if..." thats much lamer

SAT scores. is there anything less impressive these days? Besides I work with total dumbshits that got great scores on them.

braggin abt how yr friend knows a famous person

"I drive better when I'm drunk"

― Darin, Wednesday, September 29, 2010 6:05 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Who says this,a nd how can I avoid them, pls

xpost uh oh hope a certain someone doesn't read this thread

braggin abt getting a bj, i mean did u get LAID or what man DID U

bragging about who got Super Mario 3 first.

braggin abt how many frequent flyer miles u hav, i have more

braggin abt how long u waited in line for yr new iphone, dude its an IPHONE, give me that

braggin abt yr stock market acumen, the stock market, for sure

bragging about farts

haha ice cr?m is funny

braggin abt being good at dancing, oh yeah, watch this

braggin abt how yr city has good public transpo, i bet you dug those tunnels yrself smug guy

braggin abt taking the bus everyday, you take the bus everyday

braggin abt not having a tv, tv is amazing, you are way out of touch

oh u cooked this amazing meal last night, have me over for dinner then and I'll see

your sunglasses are expensive, great

braggin abt japanese raw denim, sir you cannot be serious

you work so hard, you didn't even sleep, ok you're better than me, you'll go far

you beat mortal kombat? ya but it was on 'easy'

braggin abt limited edition anything, its called marketing and you are not a genius

wow you've been to a lot of countries

you have a bicycle? yea you probably stole it...

braggin abt smoking tons weed, this one speaks for itself

lol @ digging tunnels yrself

you bought a ton of something and sold it for ten times the price on Ebay, you know how to make money

braggin abt getting blackout drunk, hint you blacked out because you were embarrassing yrself

i fuck more girls and take more drugs than you
― charltonlido (gareth), Friday, June 17, 2005 5:50 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark

With love, Gareth. Always with love!

are there any cool boasts? prob not

braggin abt having a sweet yacht, can i plz ride to italy on that shit , no, fuck you

you're from New York, good for you, well why don't you live there then

braggin abt being carbon neutral, you are not carbon neutral trust me, your numbers are off

braggin abt how where youre from people are polite, its not polite to brag fyi

braggin abt how where youre from people are hospitable, yeah slavery that was super hospitable

hahaaaaaaaa

your parents did drugs, yeah and then they made you

Man, I could fill a thread with just ones from law school.

The ones I find most obnoxious are those

"Heh, I didn't even do the reading" kind of boasts. Like ok cool guy you are not in college anymore don't you want to get your money's worth and maybe learn something about the profession you profess to want to profess?

braggin abt how much you can bench press, cool way to waste yr life man

Yeah, that. It's like "Ok, I guess if you ever get trapped under some relatively lightweight rubble that might come in handy"

Art school ones are always

"I saw [teacher X] in my local Trader Joe's"

Yeah guess what, when they're not working they sit on their ass and eat microwave gnocchi just like you. Also, you're in your 30s, aren't you too old to be hot for teacher?

is that even a boast?

amazingly, I think it is!!

braggin abt meeting bill clinton one time, you know how many people bill clinton has met, so fucking many

yeah "i didn't do the reading" and "i never do the reading" are like, wow, congrats

i did all the reading, btw

It's like "oh we go to the same grocery store and we had a real conversation, you know like PEERS".

It can be a very sad place at times. I guess a lot of these people have parents issues. Lord knows I have mine

xxp

"i won my trial" yeah well you lost the next one

brggin abt eating at a fancy restaurant, oh yeah whatd you do walk in there and sit down, later i bet you paid huh, wow

just kidding harbl you are not lame

i told yall that bc i didn't want the first one to be so boastful :(

on the flipside, when I was growing up with this next door neighbor who was famous for his misapplication of words, I played him basketball a lot. One day, I hit a wicked skyhook, I cheered because it wasn't a shot I was any good at and I was happy it went in.

He began crying, said I was "bragging", then rang the doorbell to tell on me to my mother, who promptly told him to "shut up".

this is my favourite thread in a long time btw

it wasn't boastful, it was the truth!

braggin abt a lawsuit settlement, congrats u r a boon to society, can i have like ten thousand dollars

i always note when i see ppl i know from elsewhere in the grocery store, or when i see "celebrities" in the grocery store. like when i saw john waters in whole foods, and when i saw a local radio host/newspaper columnist in safeway.

brggin abt eating at a fancy restaurant, oh yeah whatd you do walk in there and sit down, later i bet you paid huh, wow

― ice cr?m, Wednesday, September 29, 2010 8:50 PM Bookmark

This is also a thing that law school people will sometimes do! On facebook!

yes but John Water is at least famous

I mean tbf I guess it's easy for me to be condescending to these 22 year olds getting excited about dropping big bucks on a meal for the first time because I'm, ahem, THIRTY YEARS OLD.

lol john water

braggin abt how you dont really shop at whole foods cause it costs so much, guess what they have high quality food and it costs money

i shoppe at whole foods because i am saving the world through capitalism

haha that is sort of a weird one. Are you on commission?

xp

Haha Jobn Water

John =/

saying you got in the Who's Who of (American High School Students/Employees/Kobe Bryant Impersonators), yea those things are scams, congrats for ponying up the cash..

Sorry

braggin abt being good at poker, in that case IM ALL IN, yr action big man

I just saw a celebrity like 15 mins ago

Your dad was a japanese spy, ok but they still lost

she waved at me because I was carrying a baby

oh adam beat me

uh oh i'm having a baby

haha you can be lil john water

haha that is sort of a weird one. Are you on commission?

― Faerie Liquide (admrl), Wednesday, September 29, 2010 8:54 PM (47 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i just feel like its a pretty high quality store and if you dont want to shop there then dont or whatever

Yeah, ok, you're the president...of DENMARK

braggin abt how yr parents were totally hardcore committed socialists, yr family sounds SUPER FUN for sure

braggin abt getting free movie passes, movies cost like ten dollars

you've got a big cock, it's still going to look terrible when you're in your 60s

my grand uncle was friends with fidel castro and won the lenin award but he was a rapist

braggin abt how yr parents were totally hardcore committed socialists, yr family sounds SUPER FUN for sure

― ice cr?m, Wednesday, September 29, 2010 8:58 PM Bookmark

I do this, except it was my grandparents. I kind of enjoy saying they were communists because it freaks some people out.

braggin abt yr full head of hair, this is not v considerate to bald people who might be somewhat self conscious

i just go ahead and tell ppl i'm a communist

no i don't lol

braggin abt being down 2 fuck, thats not a v attractive expression, but txt me l8r

thread feels like an intervention.

braggin abt all the sweet punk shows u saw when you were younger, kind of a strage way to define ones self

your family has a chateau in the Dordogne, but the peasants think you're a bunch of cunts

braggin abt voting democrat, ok great you are less retarded than half the people

braggin abt being so happy, this is just like saying 'im afraid to look in the mirror' fyi

braggin abt how many lps you own, i am definitely not ever helping you move

braggin abt how fast you drove once, so let me see if im understanding this correctly, you depressed the accelerator until you were going faster than usual

braggin abt going in a hot air ballon once, it better have been shaped like garfield or dont even talk to me

braggin about how many mp3s you own, yeah but is your data backed up properly? offsite?? din't think so..

braggin abt something your dad did, grow up now, youre 30

some guy hit on me by trying to impress me about how many mp3s he had downloaded and then he offered some to me. I was working at a radio station at the time and had more than him so neener neener.

you speak French, yeah well so do 79,000,000 other people

you drove down route 66, it's a road

braggin abt how chicks worship white guys in japan, you shouldve stayed there, then we wouldnt be having this convo

this is my favourite thread in a long time btw

― acoleuthic, Wednesday, September 29, 2010

you're posting this from a poolside cabana, you're on the internet in a poolside cabana

braggin abt how you only drink the best kind of vodka, fyi that shit all tastes exactly the same

bragging about some guy hitting on you, really, one with a penis?

braggin bat how you never brag, oh really how abt right now

braggin abt going in a hot air ballon once, it better have been shaped like garfield or dont even talk to me

dying at this!

braggin abt a deep spiritual experience you had, dude tell that bullshit to a girl maybe youll get some or whatever, i have no idea why youre talking to me like that

irl heard a guy brag about needing to buy an external hard drive because of all the porn he has, "i got like 70 gigs of the stuff man" "wauuuww no wai"

braggin abt how clear the water was, let me get this straight the water had less sediment than youre used to, hmm

I once tried to belittle a friend of mine in 6th grade because, when we were both sitting in a certain way, it appeared that my kneecap was bigger than his. I guess I was obsessed and embarrassed with my own frailty, so I was grasping for straws wherever I could, and that was the only thing I could think of: my knees are bigger than your knees, sometimes, at a certain angle.

braggin abt how something is 'bespoke' and you 'iterated', yeah i read tech blogs too, but im not proud of it

xpost
the sad(dest) part was that he quickly demonstrated that no, his knees WERE bigger than mine. I was undeniably wrong.

braggin abt how big yr knees are, smdh

braggin abt how you were into that internet meme like yesterday, are you even listening to yrself

you can't see magic eye paintings, you're not special you're just missing out

you studied film theory, but you still can't understand the plot of the Big Sleep

braggin abt how many books youve read, you know what percentage of all books ever published youve read, 0%, better keep reading smart guy

you read infinite jest, the infinite jest is on you, my friend

;_;

you came second in a competition, you were not the best in that competition

you watched like 20 episodes of lost when you were sick, everyone in the world has done this, you are exactly lik everyone else, seriously you have no distinguishing characteristics

you were an olympic hopeful, shouldve picked trampoline huh

i've never seen lost, or been sick

you came third in a race, you're from an exotic background, you designed the shirt you're wearing, it's 6pm and you haven't even had breakfast yet, you found this amazing painting just left on the sidewalk, you make better homemade bread than any of the bread in the supermarket, you've got friends in foreign countries, you made this rad digital art piece, you talked your way out of jail, you got a huge christmas bonus, you're a dick

you can explain the theories of special and general relativity to me, kind of, but not really, also you are drunk

you saw an amazing meteor shower, this is not really the sort of thing one can describe meaningfully, feel like you should know this by now

half of these are like sfw anal cunt song titles

you own a motorcycle

your uncle is rich

you can put your whole fist in your mouth, great...that's the wrong orifice

you havent slept in 32 hours, go to bed now

you were smarter than an idiot once

you got a free thing

you smoke weed with your parents, that sounds like an awesome party, your parents, and you, stoned together

ice cram killing it on this thread <3

you are filled with loathing

haha max made his count

you are overly familiar with the internet, guess what, me too

you made a funny post on the internet, I wonder how many people read it

xp lol

the bodega guy hooked you up with a discount on your bag of peanuts, terrific, you guys are best friends, when are you going to invite him over for dinner, you should just get married, you and the bodega guy

you are into old movies and dont like new movies

you have roof access, awesome, i bet your view of some other buildings is better than anyone elses view of the same, or different buildings

you have a preference abt something inconsequential

you sure know a lot about beer, tell me, what is the difference between these two beers, actually, dont, because i really could not possibly give less of a shit

you dont give a shit about something someone else cares about, you must be really fun to hang out with

you're good at haggling, no you're not, you paid exactly what they wanted you to pay

you died once, like actually died, i shouldnt have to explain to you what 'died' means

you have a sweet deal on your apartment, thats cool, can i live there instead of you

you "shit your pants". really? and you're telling me about it?

you know a guy

half of these are like sfw anal cunt song titles

― Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile (dayo), Thursday, 30 September 2010 02:27 (6 minutes ago)

was thinking this - "you own a store" is an actual AC st

wow great job parallel parking. no really great job. terrific spatial reasoning skills bro.

ohhhhh you opened the door by kicking the handle, that looked cool

you get free cable that must be great im super impressed with your skill at giving the cable guy fifty bucks terrific job

you ran a marathon this weekend, nice try but u cant run from death

ok louis is into anal cunt, how the fuck did this happen << serious unbragging related question

u go to ethnic grocers, u saved 90% per volume on spices, nevermind u dont know know what to do with 2 pounds of fennel seeds

wow several low budget comedies were filmed at your college over the last three decades, are you the president of it? or something? no you just graduated from there? two years ago? still, cool

one time you did a dumb thing, yet you are bragging abt it, im confused, is this another dumb thing, are you preparing to brag abt it

it's been 5 years since you even looked at a mcdonalds

you've slept with over 50 women well I bet that all went smoothly

u pulled all-nighter huh, bet u rly enjoyed the preceding week of dread from not working on that paper

jho I have a vast and encyclopaedic knowledge of all the music in the world

youve seen a lot of hong kong movies, cool, did you sit down and watch them or

wait ur shiting me uve been to mexico????

you found these awesome organic tomatos at a farmers market, cool man, did you eat them too or did you just find them

U bought a roomba

jho I have a vast and encyclopaedic knowledge of all the music in the world

― acoleuthic, Wednesday, September 29, 2010 9:40 PM (11 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i feel somehow personally responsible

those tomatoes cost you 50 cents and they are REALLY fresh

you own a first pressing of what, sry i cannot give a shit no matter how hard i try

the cashier forgot to ring up your bottle of pom juice, did it feel good sticking it to the man

your girlfriend got stopped on the street and asked to be a model, good luck with that

haha so journalists drink a lot, ok lol and then, wait thats it

omg u can make pad thai?!!? i heard only 6 people in the world can make pad thai. AND YOU MUST BE THE SEVENTH

this bar you go to, the bartender make good manhattans??? and sometimes you talk to him?? tell me more

you have a blog, hey everyone this guy has a blog, is it abt food, it IS

you took a class with WHO in college? thats a person people know about? oh well im sure it was enlightening.

ur band is playing a gig this weekend, i can't make it but i will email u a picture of me struggling to feign excitement for your post-hardcore band

your last job called and begged you to come back

youve ripped over 200 dvds since joining neflix a month ago, and you keep them in binders? wow, you are a man of the 21st century

you rode on a train, its a better way to travel in many respects, ive heard that, from retards iirc

you used to deal drugs, in college, weed

no that's awesome tell me about that goal you scored again and also maybe your last night's dreaming

"I am the third-strongest mole in this cave."

u gave blood and u have o+, hold on im on hold with the nobel committee ill see if they have an opening 4 u this year

in all your years of drinking youve never thrown up? not even once? congrats on the good genes

yes, I have heard of John Cage

you once sat courtside at an nba game, hold on are you jack nicholson, no, nevermind

u drove that car for 5 years before buying ur new car, u r a walking embodiment of fiscal restraint and resistance to consumer frenzy, i will go to ur financial seminar after all

this chick loves you but youre not that into her, lucky for you huh, not for her

A window seat? all the way to Tokyo? and you say there's no other city like it? wow what time do you want your breakfast

you have a theory, before you start let me just say i bet its completely unoriginal and wrong

ladies first, huh pal, more like, she walks 1st then u look at her ass then she sleeps with u oldest trick in the book

u own that on vinyl, great i guess that means we're listening to npr in the car

you used to get into fights a lot? well thank god for me that you dont any more, huh? i mean for my personal safety. because you might fight me!

you know how to make cocktails because you used to work in a bar

my wife of 26 years left me to be with you, and plus I just found out that you're the boss of my boss and you just fired my boss so that you could become my boss so that you could fire me in a more direct manner, and you're also my landlord somehow and you evicted me even though I am a good tenant, and I'm supposed to care?

your team won it all, are you on the team, here let me answer for you 'no'

HOW late did you stay up the other night?????????????? FIVE A M????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? you saw the SUN??? RISING?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME PICK MY JAW UP OFF THE FLOOR HERE

hahaaaaaaa at z s

u won 50 dollars on texas hold 'em after buying that bookshelf worth of titles on bluffing strategy wow what a good investment u know how to beat the system

omg...dying

you maxed out your credit card I mean is this even a boast or a cry for help

you dont believe in gender, compelling theory, did you come up with that yrself

o u used 2 bag groceries here, and somehow u became a fully function adult, u r a truly shining beacon of ~inspiration~ 4 me during my 8-hour shift of tedium

u were atheist b4 it was cool

you're actually a committed christian but you don't like to talk about it

you visited this foreign country and everything was really cheap, wow, how does it feel to have been born into a seat of privilege

u own a gun but uve never even killed a man with your bare hands, so bitchmade

you were told not to tell anyone this, but ok you'll tell me

holy cow! you're above/past sexual identities and consider each individual a continuum of variable perversions and preferences just like me but still i won't smear poop on your chest with my scrotum

you like to fart and are crazy

you got an awesome job, now you have to do work, every day

you beat me fair and square and you would like me to get off of your lawn now? well fuck yoooooou too, laaaaame

wow what great french you speak, and that accent, no, its not grating at all, you sound terrific, i just have to leave to find an interesting conversation elsewhere

wow you guys sure have heard people boasting about some ridiculous stuff!

you were once complimented on your looks by a gay man, well did that go anywhere? exactly

omg icey yr killing me in here

hey look at that you memorized a poem!! and its a FAMOUS poem too! do you get double points for that or--oh you dont get any points? do you get money? no you just memorized it? huh well i guess thats one way to spend your time

u r surprised by the internet

i am glad you made 100k last year but you still have an ugly nose and smell of the expensive cologne purchased only by those people clinging to newfound social class with tenacious, overly-manicured fingernails.

you say that youre not politically correct, fascinating, how does it feel to be the racist boor at the parties you go to

u consider yrself r old-fashioned because u dont text or proposition anal sex

your apartment has great storage, for putting things in

you dont like twitter, i have news for you, twitter is AMAZING

holy crap - can i please pet your new hybrid of hypoallergenic designer dog for which you paid the same as a used corolla? strangely, i remember a similar animal when the plumber's terrier raped the shit out of my dachshund twenty years ago.

u feel emotions more intensely than other ppl, o so then i guess u should feel a lil icy hot from this cold shoulder BURN i am giving u RITE NOW

i am so highly impressed that your shoes are organic, sustainable, fair trade, a "more natural" way of walking, biodegradable, and donate a pair to african street children that i will walk barefoot in shame

you stood up to injustice once, thank you for changing the world, man

your parents forced you to learn the violin, and you were amazing at it, then you hit puberty and rebelled and stopped playing

you hate people who dont recycle

or vote

or tip

you have perfect pitch, mmm bop

you have a theory, before you start let me just say i bet its completely unoriginal and wrong

Wish I had he balls to say this to people at work.

you like to fart and are crazy
cracked me up so much!

you maintained a real actual conversation with the busdriver, I did not know you spoke lowerclass

you have a photographic memory

i am in awe of your commitment to unfriend everybody on facebook who voted republican

u drove 2 extra minutes to the gas station with $.05 a gallon cheaper gas, congratulations, your time is worth nothing, is there a suicide station close by?

you read a book, the same book everyone else read, the one full of bullshit or the one abt food

yes we all remember VHS tapes, and I suppose it is a little funny how you had to wind through them and stuff

you only shoot film, wow, have you ever heard of digital

=/

you directed a documentary, me too dude, me too, sike

haha

u studied abroad in england, wow must have been a culture shoc to be around so many white ppl speaking the same language as u, ya ur rite i mean they dont even have thanksgiving taht does sound like the worst

they call the bathroom the loo?? more liek the lol

you went on an american road trip, ate beef jerky and met someone who thought London was in Russia

you went to Roswell, you know where the UFO crashed, I wish I'd thought of going there

you went to Graceland, it was like the movies

ur ethnic grandma has an accent

you fired a gun in a straight line and killed an animal and someone else cooked the animal and you ate it

u came up with the idea for tivo, must suck 4 mr tivo guy to be getting all those patent dollars while u work customer service

lol americans dont know ANYTHING abt canada, hate to harsh on you but americans dont know anything abt many many things, i know, im from there

uve never had an impure thought aka ur a thoughtless rube

u wont even touch a dude's arm, p strong commitment to h8ing gayness there friend

you've never liked coffee, it's the man's drug

you are really into some wacky stupid thing, feel like yr persona is somewhat affected tbh

u havent been 2 church in decades, way to lose favor with god asshole

you''re having an art show...but it's a group show and it's in Fresno

you jerked off seven times in one day well you must be damn good at jerking off

you dont give a shit huh, know what, me either

don't bring it in to show me so you can prove it, let's just say I believe you

you have a good cell phone plan, cause its a family plan, ive heard of that

your cat has such a colourful and endearing range of expressions! especially when it is hungry or tormented

you have a clever subway route, i have like five just as clever as that, and two that are clearly superior, didnt realize who you were talking to did you

your cat is unusually smart, but it still poos in a box

you go to the store really early in the morning? because nobody else would think to do that?

your neighborhood will be the next hot neighborhood, OK I will wait and see

you are soo tired and hungry because you ran seven miles today, but you cant stop posting on a message board, kudos

there was a murder right outside your building, wow you're tough and street savvy

you had lunch at a lovely little family-owned cafe and you plan to return there soon

you have some dank nugs, man these nugs are so DANK

uve got...whoa six black friends on facebook? congrats, someone's joined the 2nd hand club.

you remember when facebook.com was called thefacebook.com, did you attend an ivy league school too?

thats a lot of effects pedals for someone who cant play guitar

the person who cuts your hair also cuts a famous person's hair, someone on television, you therefore have a "television-quality" haircut

you're right, that DOES sound like the biggest burrito shit in the world hey can we talk about anything else at dinner

something you wrote made someone cry, and you didn't understand until then how powerful you could be with words

you've got a perfect internal sense of time huh, did you happen to notice how many milliseconds into this conversation I stopped giving a shit

it's cool you've pegged this subculture as containing loads of people with low self-esteem who might sleep with you

you were the what of all your high school friends at super smash bros? the BEST you say? out of all six of you guys??

gee dad I bet the school bridge team was happy to have your talents at its service

wow you're right, that is an eerily accurate napoleon dynamite impression, inasmuch as it blows

nice job immediately recognizing that track the DJ just put on, stick with it and maybe someday *you'll* be the guy playing shit music for drunk assholes

uve never broken a limb before, hope your deathbed is not filled with regrets of never taking even minor risks like climbing trees or fighting men twice your size, actually im writing your tombstone rite now it says "i lived half a life, put your disrespectful funeral home peepee HERE"

seriously, a week and a half, and you still hadn't gone to see a doctor, maybe you should get a lower pain tolerance

You can draw Garfield just like Jim Davis, you've been drawing on tracing paper over his books, so you really know his style

u really can taste the ginger in this, it is fresh isnt it

hahaa

You decorated this entire room for less than $200? I'd never have guessed

u went to the farmer's market, u made no difference on the environment btw but its prolly still ok to feel superior right now because the supermarket was only going to save you 3 dollars on strawberries anyway

you've worked your way right through experimentation, and that's why your stuff is so conventional, it's all been 100% resolved

u don't "get" it

you're reading this great book for the third time, buy a new book

"Man, I was listening to Beefheart when I was 15."

you don't trust my dashboard GPS, wow are you some kind of hardcore survivalist navigation luddite, no wait you're just a moron who got lost once because you can't drive and listen at the same time

you dreamt all of this last night so you knew it was going to happen

u went to the protest, ur armpits are in a picture in the newspaper

you're so special that the bus will pick you up between stops

you knew i was going to say that, bet u didnt see this com-- fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u

the book was way better then the movie, guess what smart guy, you still saw the movie

you would go to that yoga/meditation class, but it's a very watered-down Western version, and much too easy for you

wow you started drinking coffee in 4th grade, I wonder if that's why you peed your pants so much in middle school

you made a dope smoothie

it filled you up until, like 3 in the afternoon

u were the first in your family to go to college, ya well youre 50 and yr dad killed nazis and saved america, what the fuck have u done

you lost your virginity at age 14, sounds like a screen memory bro

when u die yr getting a coffin with ur favorite team's logo on it, way to piss on your family name in pursuit of a childlike slavish devotion to a squadron brain-damaged meatheads paid by octagenarians who made their fortunes selling african childrens' bones to southeast asians who in turn make food additives to poison inner city youth with obesity, no dude it was totally worth it to get the upgrade with the matching liner fabric, no one will forget u and ur love 4 the game pour one out

you dumpstered some totally fresh kale and half a loaf of sourdough, I know homeless people who eat better meals than that

omg this thread makes me sick, im never bragging again, swear

u got sick on the internet

you built that bike yourself, congratulations, your time must not be very valuable

you can make yourself fart on command, okay that's actually pretty cool

Ok, so you're a rocket scientist...

THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH

How'd you get to this side of the shark tank? awesome motorcycle btw....

you got two box seats tickets from this guy at work, the game was fun, too bad your team was playing the pirates and you didnt actually get to see anyone cool

you post to this online message about music that actual music journalists also post to? what's the link, man?

bragging about being bored by your meaningful metropolis: go die in the country or become a sex tourist, isn't there any other choice?

That's a good one Sébastien

Couples who brag about never getting a babysitter and have kids who are like 5 years old. That's like bragging about letting an open wound fester imo.

you have an ethnicity.

scratches and cuts make you feel like a man

your hangover is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, is it possibly because your brain is collapsing in on itself out of embarrassment over you

"I really SCHOOLED that asshole on the internet!"

You mastered cynicism.

you get internet memes

"more people agree with me than you!" -- k, so you managed to find a group of people with likeminded opinions, doesn't elevate the validity of your opinion one bit.

Poodles are just the so super coolest like trendy california, especially being able to play them on tv!!

^^^^^uhhh, what?

this guy.

you pointed out an error the instructor made on the board, i guess this one instance of you knowing more than the instructor makes you their intellectual equal, hmm.

waiting for the school bus once, i had an argument with a guy about mario kart. i said snes kart was better, he said n64 was better because the game had a speedometer, and you could see that you obviously go faster in 64

n64 was miles better though

That's all very well, but what are the brakes like?

you were at disneyland the same day that guy got killed on a ride, awesome, you could have conceivably died in a really novel way rather than in a conventional way like getting into a car crash on the drive home from disneyland.

you don't even recognize the celebrity on the cover of people magazine, wow, i bet you have fun sitting at home with your monocle reading the paris review.

You can write rap lyrics in 5 minutes that are more inventive than most mainstream rap, yea, ok, then how come it sounds like bad Dr. Seuss when it comes out your mouth?

medio litro coca cola

In algebra class you were asking questions that the teacher couldn't answer, proving the book wrong, ever sto to think that the teacher wz patronizing you, just like I am right now?

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you're a genius. A genius that drives trucks.

you were in three countries yesterday? that sucks.

you did four shits yesterday? well, i dunno, if it happens again today maybe make an appointment with your gp. shut up though.

Yes, everybody but you is an idiot, you have all the answers, that's why you work a minimum wage job and are on the verge of getting fired from it for excessive complaints.

you did four shits yesterday? well, i dunno, if it happens again today maybe make an appointment with your gp. shut up though.

― caek, Thursday, September 30, 2010 9:52 AM (18 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lols

good stapler

31 branches and 55 atms conveniently located throughout eastern massachusetts

tonight we have a very special guest from the south - ChickenMan USA!

1/2 hour after the first pitch is thrown the gator pit will be open to any fans in attendance interested in having steak tips, ribs, chicken wings and much more.

the city that reads

Innocuous things make you irrationally angry? well, that's a drag. bye!

you can really like relate to "fear and loathing in LA" because you had some pretty wild and crazy nights, man, you did all sorts of shit back in college... like you would maybe smoke some weed and have a few beers... ahh, back in the good ol' days

your band's myspace lists a handful of vaguely hip bands you supported before they were hip: congratulations, you have won the lottery of some promoter thinking "uhh, venue is booked, what 3 bands who sound nothing like each other are free that night?"

you have a band, *shoots self*

Somebody, somewhere is doing an activity! Why not sit home on your arse all day, complaining about how boring and stupid other people and their activities are?

You claim to have discovered the Y2K bug in 1970, yet you did nothing about it? Wow move over Alan Turing...

you bike everywhere, even in the rain, good work, you stink like a musky scrotum all day

you have not taken a day off sick in 10 years even though you get paid sick leave - well, you gave a shitty cold to all your officemates at least 7 times and made them listen to your complaining and nasal rearrangement noises for a week each time, and also, you did not get to go back to bed at 9am and reflect on the awesomeness of not being at work. sucks to be you i guess

you lost so much weight eating at subway, hey awesome that sounds like a totally healthy balanced diet you can sustain for the rest of your life

you scored a 5 on an AP exam in highschool

you lived somewhere that gets hotter than it does here

your truck can drive right through the snow

you can eat an entire large pizza

you drank a bacon-infused martini

you don't have a cell phone or facebook account, I guess that's a good way to cover up the fact that you don't have friends

you sewed this dress yourself, it looks awful and you look awful in it

you print zines and you bike around town and you put your zines in bikes around town and nobody cares

you have that on vinyl

your brother's birthday is on christmas day? well done?

your baby did something cute? that baby is going to end up costing you over $100,000

You have a blue my little pony? STFU YOU WEIGH LESS THAN 40 POUNDS!

Your dad can beat up my dad? THAT'S NOT TRUE!

you were on tv, at a sporting event, in a crowd, for 7 seconds

you are one of nine living humans who have walked on the moon? so what. my calculator is more powerful than the computer in your space rocket.

You are ozymandias? LOL

you were something creative for halloween? congratulations, sorry for stabbing you to death right now

You can count to 100? So what, I've been able to that since ~1983 when I was your age

you car gets really good highway mileage

aw that's a classic boast it testifies to my awesome research skills and my practical environmental approach

you were on tv, at a sporting event, in a crowd, for 7 seconds

― tangelo amour (elmo argonaut), Thursday, 30 September 2010 15:01 (31 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Ha, a mate of mine was on TV, at a snooker event first row, for 14 hours!

You were on live radio? Oh that was because THERE WAS A QUIZ AND YOU PHONED IN.

you broke a board in karate? awesome, considering IRL humans aren't made of wood and have the ability to move and hit back.

you're pregnant? congratulations.

youre a street artist, watch me guess 'b&w stencils' while yawning extravagantly

you saw a cloud that looked just like a what, you are very immature for an adult

the criterion edition is better *mental note*

haha

you just got done playing an awesome metal show

You have a superhumanly keen sense of smell? sucks for you i just farted.

You have a perfect sense of direction? so you shouldn't have any trouble finding your way out of my face

You have (celebrity's) autograph? Yea so does the DMV.

so that's what your desktop looks like

http://i.imgur.com/kML1D.jpg

You go to the Farmer's Market

you have unreleased ultrasound songs that you stole off a computer

You have a perfect sense of direction? so you shouldn't have any trouble finding your way out of my face

LOLing at this.

I once started this thread where other people made really cool posts.

A+++ thread by the way.

Someone asked me at work today why I was moistening a paper towel and I told them it was to cover my corn muffin so it doesn't dry out while I microwave it. I ended by saying, "I'm really good at microwaving things."

Wtf stupid kind of thing is that to say?
I'm really good at microwaving things.

are you sure the moistening trick works? this sounds like a mythbusters experiment.

Classic I carried a watermelon moment Abs.

microwaving things to a high level of competency could be an underrated talent imo

maximizing popcorn poppage/minimizing burn is probably harder to master than sous vide, no lie.

You don't need Adam & Jamie to do this, you just need two corn muffins, one moistened paper towel, and a microwave.

I do the same thing with flour tortillas sometimes. Works.

so you read your meter and the elec company gave you a refund? great wheeling and dealing dude, lehman brothers will be in touch

- special merit awards to m bison, Robert Spiralli, max, adamrl, remy bean
- certificate of superior distinction to ic3 cr4m!!

your kid used a large word yesterday, congratulations he must be a genius

you're so busy these days? a pity, i'm listening to records and making out with my girlfriend

you're listening to records and making out with your girlfriend? congrats i'm actually doing something with my life

he got down on one knee in front of the eiffel tower, no that's really cool, sure

I don't remember ever posting to this thread or that soulja boy DN

am reminded tho that ice cram lagoon is the lols capt of this ship

not that I ever 4get

no you're right, that IS a great lamp

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v134/tracerhand/hiuh.gif

i just read through this whole thread and now i'm hesitant to ever say anything about anything i've ever done.

inc. saying that i just read through this whole thread.

great use of your time bro

In awe of ice cr?m.

i just read through this whole thread and now i'm hesitant to ever say anything about anything i've ever done.

― shart practice (Merdeyeux), Friday, 24 February 2012 14:00 (4 months ago) Bookmark

ooh you just read this whole thread

ooh you just commented on someone saying that they read this whole thread...

I live in the Eastern time zone, a full THREE HOURS ahead of you lame-os on the West Coast!

editor @ work who told another co-worker, "my buddy had a bachelor party and he had a dozen hookers brought in, and let me tell you...i tried EVERY SINGLE ONE."

later was fired for generally being a douche and also watched porn when he was supposed to be editing.

ppl who are desperate & insecure enough to actually refer to their own IQ number in conversation.

you fell from a balloon, congrats on having mass

whoa, you VOTED for the people's choice awards?

http://i.imgur.com/Qiu8BcR.png