pro tip

1. if you have a spoon or fork you don't need a butter knife. flip that spoon around and use the handle. #livingalone

2. don't spend money on an expensive cotton terry towel. a cheap beach towel works just as well and serves double duty. #beach

3. if you make coffee and oatmeal in the morning, you don't need a pot and a kettle. fill the pot with water, boil it, use that water for the coffee, then cook your oatmeal. save gas and countertop space. #coffee

4. a desktop computer is heavy, wastes space, and requires a separate monitor. get a laptop instead and enjoy your new desk real estate. #laptop

5. a toothpick makes an ideal "javelin" for a mouse #mousejavelins

6. kebab skewers make excellent drink stirrers

#skewerstirrers

7. if you're buying two oranges, save the environment and forgo plastic bag. a bra makes an excellent carrying case for two oranges. depending on the size of the bra and/or oranges, you may carry up to four oranges. #twooranges

8. if your city's recycling program won't accept compact fluorescent bulbs, you can safely store used bulbs in a glass jar with a tight-fitting lid until a recycling program is implemented. #mercurysafety

9. you really only need to hear about ten Lil B songs. #based

10. there's no need to buy poisonous bug sprays to get rid of fruit flies, just spritz 'em with windex and they'll fall out of the air. #pestcontrol

i've done that.

11. a fingernail brush makes an adequate bollock scratcher when bathing.

12. do one push-up tomorrow. the following day, do two push-ups. continue to increase your push-ups by one with every subsequent day. by 2013 you will be world famous.

13. Every morning, leave a few minutes too late to get where you're going on time and then jog all the way to the subway. You will be tricking yourself into enjoying a few more minutes in your home AND getting exercise. #timesavers

14. hey everybody, stop drying your hands off with paper towels or electric hand dryers. let's let the magic of evaporation do the work instead and save 1 billion trees

15. You're using shampoo, which dries your hair out, and then conditioner to moisturize it again. Save yourself the cash, and the time, and just don't wash your hair. #grooming

yeah,and as Seinfeld noted, not using them will make you get out of the washroom much faster - a target all of us aim to.
xpost

I really need to find more opportunities for using the hashtag #twooranges

16. discarded potato skins can be fashioned into envelopes

17. don't need to wash your legs in the shower, the soaps gets there eventually #gravity

18. if you murder someone, try not to be seen, as its illegal

#murder

19. If the brakes on your car fail, just drive around until the petrol runs out, and the car should gradually come to a halt be itself. #roadsafety

20. Don't calculate the tip on credit card slips, just cross it out and leave a padded total. #drunktipping

21) heroin in itself is not addictive, merely its consumption

22. 90% of things you dream of doing will either never come off or will prove to be not worth the effort. #reality

23. When you start a business, try to come up with a product or service people might want to use more than once #makeaplate

24. walk your dog in the park as a way to meet chicks. #dogchicks

25. If you need to use the restroom, excuse yourself right away – never wait. #tychobrahe'sdeath

#cautionarytale ^^

26. getting up to get water multiple times during the day at work is a great way to stay hydrated and avoid doing work #worksucksiknow

obv not recommended if your job isnt soul sucking remedial busywork

27. trick yourself into exercising by biking places that are downhill, you will need to come back #uphillstrategies

28. create an appropriate hash tag for everything you post onto the internet so that you can easily search for it if you ever need to reference yourself. #internet

25. If you need to use the restroom, excuse yourself right away – never wait. #tychobrahe'sdeath

― 17th Century Catholic Spain (Abbbottt), Sunday, October 24, 2010 8:22 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

25a. and don't feed your pet alcohol and let it walk down the stairs for it may stumble and die. #tychobrahe'smoosedeath

26. when you masturbate - prepare some toilet paper to be near you in advance

not to mention the hairbrush. how many times have i had to look for that thing under the bed, with my moist wang picking up dust.

Now that's what I call a pro tip...

10. there's no need to buy poisonous bug sprays to get rid of fruit flies, just spritz 'em with windex and they'll fall out of the air. #pestcontrol

10b. there's no need to buy poisonous bug sprays to get rid of fruit flies, just put that last bit of wine in a cup and put one drop of liquid soap in to break the surface tension. the greedy fucks will drown. #pestcontrol

27. If you hate mopping just leave an old towel on the kitchen floor and when you spill wipe it using yr foot.

28. if you hate cleaning just don't clean and die from disentery

29. if you contribute to this thread add hashtags to your tips #smh

30. instead of drinking either expensive good bourbon or cheap nasty bourbon, buy a single bottle of the former and hold it under your nose while sipping the latter #aromas

31. no phone? pay a friend who you see often to act as your designated 'phonesman', pretending to be you and passing along any important information #socialnetworking

32. shit in public toilets, you will need to clean your home toilet less often #freeriderproblem

33. Working on a deadline, need to turn in some work, but too broke to pay for your own internet? cafes will often neglect to turn off their wi-fi, take your laptop and sit on the sidewalk in front. #haveactuallythoughtaboutdoingthis

34. its pretty easy to make pasta, just put it in some boiling water #pasta

lol <3

35. goth 2 boss #goths

33. Working on a deadline, need to turn in some work, but too broke to pay for your own internet? cafes will often neglect to turn off their wi-fi, take your laptop and sit on the sidewalk in front. #haveactuallythoughtaboutdoingthis

33b. A team of two -- one to drive, one to man the laptop -- can easily locate unsecured wifi networks by trawling middle-class suburban neighborhoods. #torrentingdoctorwhoepisodesonvacation

^^this is how identity thieves work

36. blackface seems to be on the outs these days #blackface

37. your online identity is gonna get raepd #thievery

38. need to know what a word means? check the dictionary, it has most of them #words

39. when you collect 100 coins in super mario brothers, you get an extra life. be careful, however, as you will stop gaining lives when you reach 99. #100coins

40. an easy thing to steal from your roommates is laundry detergent, cuz no one ever remembers how much they have #savings

earlier i tried to c and p my friend a youtube link, instead i c an p'd

18. if you murder someone, try not to be seen, as its illegal

― max, Monday, October 25, 2010 12:14 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

#murder

― J0rdan S., Monday, October 25, 2010 12:15 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark

lol

41. Coming into work late makes the day go by all the faster. #iphonealarmclock.

42. got rice? got beans? cook both and eat them together for a meal that is heartier than either one eaten alone #foodsynergy

43. a necktie makes a good "tourniquet" should your business lunch be strafed with gunfire. #endtimes

44. two knives can basically be used as chopsticks if you don't have forks #twoknives

45. two knives can be used to kill someone twice as fast #needmoreknives

46. want to drive faster on the highway? try the leftmost lane. #travelinamerica

47. So you've got a lot of salsa but you're down to the tiny broken shards of tortilla chips in that bag of Santitas? Mix them in a bowl and eat it with a spoon! #mexicancereal

48. robots will eventually do all our household chores, so it's ok to put off doing the laundry and dishes. #rationallaziness

don't like a thing? no problem! there are lots of other things #things

50. music sounds aboslutly fucking amazing when youre drunk get drunk more often #getdrunkmoreoften(#hashtagswithinhashtags(#howfarwillItakeit(#idunno)))

51. if you find something funny, laugh out loud #lol

52. drink water to stave off a erection #lifesavers

wait I meant hangover

...#shit

53. Want to drive slowly on the highway? See no. 46, but do the opposite of that. #converse

54. A little nutmeg might make it taste better, but it might not. #mysteryofnutmeg

lol @ #mysteryofnutmeg

#seriouslywhatsupwithnutmug

55. nutmeg is spelled nutmeg #nutmugfail

56. ipad not big enough? buy 5 and throw 3 into the river. #biggeripad

lol

A+++

57. if you find walking too slow for your tastes, and driving too fast, try a bike! #goldilocksprinciple

58. tired of losing your cordless mouse? use string and hot-glue to attach it to your computer -- just like a real mouse!

59. #forgettingsomething #memoryaid #postswithonlyhashtags

60. Cool with smelling bad? dont shower #terribleadvice

61. Never date anyone who thinks "Bad Romance" is a legitimate blueprint for a relationship

62. Never date someone who forgets hashtags #miloz

63. If you have lots of Excedrin but don't know what to do with it, try reading ILX for a while #bamnomoreexcedrin

64. Do you like pretzels and do you like hummus? Dip your pretzels in hummus #tastysnack

65. today i didn't want to cross the house to get the dustpan after sweping, so i used windex and a paper towel to "sweep up" the dust pile #dirtbagcore

Do you like pretzels and do you like hummus? Dip your pretzels in hummus

This one sounds like it should be said by Dr Steve Brule.

"dip your pretzels in hummus, dummy! For your health!"

Hitting the snooze too often? Place your alarm across the room so you have to physically get out of bed to turn it off. Program a second alarm to go off a minute later even farther away, in another room. Keep strategically placing alarms around your house at important stations, like your bathroom and kitchen, and spaced every 50 feet or so along your path to work or school. The final alarm is placed at your desk at work or school, along with a tasty muffin. Now you're cool AND on time! #efficiency

67. if you make a sock, keep that account logged in a separate browser. for example, if you use firefox, keep that shit on ie or chrome. #banaka

if it's raining out and you drive to work, try to leave a little earlier than usual or you might be late #weather

68. ATMs are located in every drugstore and department store (as are weapons dealers and medicine peddlers). Never carry a lot of cash with you; leave it in your account. If you die, you come back with half the cash you were carrying #gameproprotipsarenotjustforEarthbound

69. Don't waste time with shit attorneys take matters into your own hands.

70. Don't try to sneak up from behind on someone using a hula-hoop. #stalking_the_sockhop

On any messageboard, it's important to have one area reserved where people can fight to the death. #ilm_battleroyale

stuck on a halloween costume? try going as a ghost or a skeleton. #death

71. go big or go home #going

72. Hungry? Go to bed #diets

73. Tired? Have some coffee #theslowdeathofsleeplessness

I did that one this morning! Pumpkin coffee at the diner.

74. If you've shattered a glass on the ground, leave it. Eventually it will erode into beautiful stones. #homedecor

75. watching a movie with a girl you really like but dont know how to make a move? pretend to dramatically yawn while stretcingh out your arms, and then subtly lay your arm across her shoulder. #orelsetrythepopcorntrick

76. If you have problems, start drinking. #life

77. Instead of wasting soggy corn flakes by throwing them away, place the mixture into cupcake tins and bake at 350F for 15 minutes. You've just made a delicious snack. #sandralee

78. got a boner at an inopportune time? that's cool, so do I #bonersolidarity

that joke is gonna stiff

79. If you are at a concert jumping around and grabbing people's heads and they push you off, they do not want you to grab them by the head. #sexualharassment

80. You can order grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon. #lunchtime

81. not everyone is good at sports #theproblemwithsports

82. can't sing? then don't. #notevenintheshower

83. Hash tag puns will impress your friends. #browns #cakes cornedbeef# madeacomplete#ofthis

84. Rolling a joint and stuck for something to help tamp down the top end? Oh look, there's a chopstick! #pokeandtoke

85. when offering a cigarette to a homeless person, remove it from the pack yourself and hand it to them. do not offer the pack to them so they can take one. #dirtyfingers

86. make sure you change a few large notes into single dollar bills before you arrive at the club -- don't expect the bar staff to break a hundred #makingitrainondemhoes

87. bonita applebum? you gotta put me on #pro-tip #q-tip

88. if you have dots in your gmail username you don't even need to enter them when logging in! #usernames

89. Don't wash your hands, dummy, they're only gonna get dirty again! #science

90. always vote 'no', works eveytime #voting

91. You can ride a horse anywhere! #vehicles

92. If you attend a halloween party, BRING CANDY!! Because A) so few ppl think to actually do this (ime) and B) everyone loves candy and, in turn, you. #raddudes'r'us

I don't know about the rest of you, but I like to imagine these pro tips as spoken by Dr. Steve Brule

93. read these pro tips in the voice of dr. steve brule #stealingotherpeoplesgoodideas

94. itchy bedbugs driving you crazy? no, actually, you've just contracted leprosy #imsorryman

Ahem.

This one sounds like it should be said by Dr Steve Brule.

"dip your pretzels in hummus, dummy! For your health!"

― Sunn O))) Sundae Smile (Trayce), Wednesday, 27 October 2010 16:44 (1 week ago)

D'OH

<3

If your boots are made for walking then that's just what they'll do #walkalloveryou

96. The best rubberbands come free with asparagus #rubberbands

97. If you think seeing people pick their noses is funny then move to a city with good public transportation #golddigging

98. are you a non-nerd looking to make conversation with a nerd? just say "i don't really understand how role-playing games work" and hold on tight! #nerds

99. if you're wanting some nutella on your bread and you find that there isn't any in the cupboard, melt whatever chocolate you do have in the microwave and then immediately stuff the bread into your mouth afterwards for maximum effect

#tastyasfuck

100. you should always try to be #100 at any activity in which getting #1 is not the best outcome #baseten

101. replace all instances of base with based #basedten

102. need to impressive a girl? turn up the bass as much as possible, girls LOVE that! #waystomakeyourbuttitch

need to impressive a girl?
need to impressive a girl?
need to impressive a girl?

why because she look intersting

103. Have a rusty, annoyingly difficult-to-use can opener? Just fucking buy a new one and live a happier, more time-efficient life. #timesavers

104. Relive a golden Doctor Who moment by watching any episode ever made before 2010.

#goldenmoments

105. if you're going to buy a cheap three-pack of underwear at Target, make sure it's the last thing you pick up, not the first. #walkofshame

106. Get a space heater! They're awesome. #itsfuckingcoldoutside

107. If you want to complete a task very quickly, drink a couple of glasses of water beforehand and then use "going to a bathroom" as a reward completing your task. #Isortofaccidentallydidthiswhilewashingthedisheslastnight

108. If someone at work hands you a sheet with a long list of crazy instructions, and the first instruction is "be sure to read all of the instructions before going on", you should quickly scan the bottom of the list, because there's a chance that the final instruction is "do not follow any of the previous instructions". #getapromotionin30daysorless

109. If you're planning to make tuna salad and are worried about the thumb strain of using your old-style can opener to open 4 cans of tuna, simply open one per day in the days leading up to the day you want to eat your tuna salad. #distributingeffort

counterpoint:

103. Have a rusty, annoyingly difficult-to-use can opener? Just fucking buy a new one and live a happier, more time-efficient life. #timesavers

― Matt Armstrong, Monday, November 22, 2010 8:23 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark

not on my budget.

110. are you poor? get a better job, or steal something #money

whoa

111. if multiple females and relations tell you that "i normally hate facial hair, but your beard _really_ suits you," you are probably not handsome under that hair. #groomingepiphanies

oh DANG

112. awake, in agony, and paralyzed while under anesthesia? don't telepathically threaten the surgeon with a malpractice suit. just chill, bro. #ouchouchmakeitstop

That actually happened to my mom once

was she in any pain? what an awful, traumatizing experience it must be, especially if people don't believe your story afterwards.

it was actually rhinoplasty (which she totally regrets), and it wasn't ouch-pain but she could, like, feel the saws and stuff. She didn't even sue, either.

frightening stuff. I imagine it's not even provable (in court or otherwise) in most cases, athough I've heard of $$$$$$$ damages being paid out in rare instances.

During a very minor liver biopsy I recently had (they gave me Valium and morphine in an IV, but I was fully awake), they seemed to be doing an audio recording (documenting times at which certain things were happening). I wonder if that is commonplace. If so, perhaps the patient could quote what she heard as evidence of her being conscious.

audio recording is pretty commonplace iirc

actually, wait

when i was in surgery, all those "audibles" were just entered into a computer, not recorded.

yeah, it's transcribed in real time, not usually recorded.

yeah guessing surgeons would completely stonewall any attempts to record surgeries as std practice---p sure some ppl might not appreciate the fact that most ORs encourage a pretty light mood, lots of banter, jammin tunes, etc

most ORs encourage a pretty light mood, lots of banter, jammin tunes, etc

because surgery is so goddamn boring!

sorta!

genuinely liked most of the ortho procedures i've scrubbed into, tho

they're interesting and all when you first see them and surgeons generally work bankers hours, but fuck doing that everyday! Very little critical thinking involved, just muscle memory.

113. put beans in your chili one time. #avantgardecooking

114. If your favourite t-shirt hasn't quite dried this morning after you were late doing the laundry last night, simply put it on straight after your morning shower without drying off first. The small amount of moisture already in the clothing won't even be noticed, by you or by anyone else.

115. Awake at 3am? You can occupy time and delay the moment when you have to take off your clothes and close your laptop and go to sleep by reviving threads on internet message boards! #latenite

5. a toothpick makes an ideal "javelin" for a mouse #mousejavelins

goat

116. If you get caught throwing a brick through a window, tell the police that you were actually aiming at a guy standing in front of the window but missed. That way it's an accident. You'll probably still have to pay for the window though. #windowbricks

117. vinegar makes an excellent floor cleaner in a pinch and makes your house smell like one third of a delicious salad

117a. But mix it with a lot of water #andincludeahashtagnexttimestupid

118. you're gonna need a LOT of alcohol #worksinanycontext

don't eat grapefruits in front of a laptop

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq8uqo5zoN1qzp6i2o1_500.jpg

I cut my nails right after I shower so I don't have to file them (inspired by laurel)

people file their nails?

Must disagree--only a file can make all smoove. Do not file while damp.

So, protip nail summary:

Cut after bathing while nails are soft
File with GLASS file (U&K) while nails are hard

119. Never, ever order a PBR without a wedge of lime. It's OK to be a cheapie, just do it in style.

That is a thing?

Tecate is the same price and awesome with lime.

120. Bring limes with you everywhere #thatguyalwayshaslimes

Tecate is never the same price :-(

or be a Hot Sauce Dude and only drink enlisted mans

119. Never, ever order a PBR, without a wedge of lime if your'e over 30

that is some p brittle elitism, even for you

120. order whatever you want, human beings

thanking u

121 Whiney is not the boss of me #beer

122. When making a list, be sure to use the number 120 twice #funwithnumbers

123. Never put your faith in a pro tip from someone called Aimless.

124. If someone says "Here, eat this, a bear dropped it," don't eat it #don'teatthingsbearswereholding

125. When two well-dressed strangers approach your door & one is carrying a satchel, they aim to talk to you about Jebus #deadbolt

I think the point is that by the time you're 30 you ought to have a stable enough income that you can afford to get whatever's more expensive than PBR.

o rly

126.
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/089/406/Protip.jpg?1318992465

lol

thanks, website

is #lifehack the new pro tip?

http://i.imgur.com/mswBZGi.jpg

put your phone on "do not disturb" and not just silent so it doesn't audibly vibrate when you're using it in the toilet stall at work

are you sure that's a phone you're hearing, dude?

OMFG that is brillaint! Holy smokes!!

I have wished there was a way to do this!

what do you mean hearing? I'm the one texting from my phone

alternately use poo wavs for your texts

real pros turn keyboard sounds on in the john

whale sounds

you don't need a tongue scraper. just scrape it with floss, it works better anyway.

cats #cats #protip

12. do one push-up tomorrow. the following day, do two push-ups. continue to increase your push-ups by one with every subsequent day. by 2013 you will be world famous.

― Z S, Sunday, October 24, 2010 3:06 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

hey did anybody do this

yes i am world famous now thanks z s

Don't write cheques your butt can't afford, as if it had some sort of influence in the matter literally or could receive and dispense payments similar to how a conventional "ATM machine" can. #bankbutt #justimagine

take all your money, give it all to charity

-dy-dy-dy

if you're thirsty, maybe you should, you know, drink some water. you know? oh, and be a scientologist.

don't waste money on manicures; they don't last. Either pay someone to paint your toenails with your own polish or do it yourself, then touch up chips/hit it with another coat of color or topcoat for the next four to five weeks #hotfeet4cheep

idg the ph thing?? every ph i've ever had has a separate setting for 'silent' and 'vibrate'.

iPhone's default is to vibrate when you have the ringer off, Do Not Disturb mode turns that off

you can turn off vibrate on silent (under sounds) so you can just switch between silent and ringer on rather than putting it in do not disturb mode

yeah but I _want_ it to vibrate on silent! just not when I'm trying to sext on the toilet

oh i see why u would to that then

tips for living the life I live

make your hot cocoa on the stove...and then strain it to get all the clumps out

BOOM!

http://i.imgur.com/3ZLA1uA.jpg

pro tip: a taco shell you can stabilize with a fork is an abomination. avoid such taco shells as you would a rabid raccoon.

taco purism is unamerican

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gSKeCvSCpw

pro tip: being stupid and wrong-headed is worse than being unamerican

being stupid and wrong-headed is worse than being unamerican

anyway the original 'merican crispy taco with lettuce and diced tomatoes is from the Mitla Cafe in San Bernardino which is still in business and on my bucket list

purist tacos are delicious but i've been known to enjoy a hard-shell taco too

otm

I have even bought the ridiculous ground beef seasoning mix for comfort food

sniffing at US hard taco shells but acting like taco "shells" exist outside of that context

this whole country is a fucking shell maaaan

fake mexican food is tasty obv

I find it p hard to go back when the real thing is available just down the street. Will never give up nachos though.

waiting for the inevitable modernist/Serious Eats "perfect hard shell taco" recipe tbh

oh totally if it's just down the street the difference between tasty and delicious doesn't need explaining

Xp

hard shell tacos are hard to handle though, I mean, they break, and I'm not sure how to eat them right

you rotate the taco 45 degrees and your head 45 degrees in the opposite direction

just a lil tip from a pro

thread delivers

obviously you take the hard-shell taco and wrap it with a soft tortilla so when it shatters into a thousand shards you don't have to slow down your taco intake at all.

not to cloud up this thread with ~ deep thoughts ~ but isn't the story of american food the story of appropriating/crispifying/salting already decent ethnically identified carbohydrates and selling them in rectangular boxes in a supermarket?

isn't the story of american food the story of appropriating/crispifying/salting already decent ethnically identified carbohydrates and selling them in rectangular boxes in a supermarket?

― remy bean,

the splinters from a hard taco shell present a puncture hazard to one's soft palette. highly dud, unless you are a masochist.

I love it

pro tip: always be a masochist

i prefer cutting my tongue on a glass-sharp fragment of Tootsie Pop

pro tip: scotch tape your taco upside-down to the ceiling. put magnets on the inside of the hanging taco shell. now you can throw other magnets toward the ceiling and see if you can get them to stick. don't forget the hot sauce!!

people have definitely choked to death on hard taco shells. people are dead.

i envy them

https://i.imgur.com/1eaCaMY.gif

Ok lol

O_o

Hot

wow

that truly is a pro tip

I seriously considered purchasing magnetic eyelashes the day

Your phone should be able to fit in your mouth! If it doesn't, bring it back to the phone store for a replacement. #oralfixation #protip

infinite free drinks at fast food places if you just have the restaurant cup - yes this is technically stealing but i have never gotten caught in weeks

easier if there is a back door entrance to slide in through the side

b-b-b-but you shouldn't really drink a lot of soda?

brb, heading to the apple store to attempt to shove each of the demo phones into my mouth

you can use a 3D printer to make prop phones at home and test how those fit in your mouth without leaving the house!

When you say "in my mouth" do you mean the whole thing? Because

and by "in my mouth" do you really mean in my mouth or...