things your mom said forever

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does it have to be that loud?

scott seward, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:07 (thirteen years ago)

"God bless America" as a curse

tanuki, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:26 (thirteen years ago)

a bored person is a boring person

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:29 (thirteen years ago)

you can't be that hungry if you won't eat an apple

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:29 (thirteen years ago)

a place for everything, an everything in its place

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:30 (thirteen years ago)

near enough is not good enough

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:30 (thirteen years ago)

I wish I'd never had children.

Nicole, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:30 (thirteen years ago)

you must get that from your father

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:31 (thirteen years ago)

Is that a want or a need?

dream words & nightmare paragraphs from a red factory in a dead town (Abbbottt), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:31 (thirteen years ago)

I don't have to like you, I just have to love you.

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:31 (thirteen years ago)

This is why we can't have anything nice.

Nicole, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:32 (thirteen years ago)

She liked certain little snippets of poems:

"Life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not its goal."
"Malt does more than Milton can to justify god's ways to man."
"The best laid plans o' mice and men gang aft aglay."

Invariable curse: god damn it to hell!

Aimless, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:34 (thirteen years ago)

Home, James and don't spare the horses!

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:35 (thirteen years ago)

^^^ That!

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:37 (thirteen years ago)

stone cold and dead in the market

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:38 (thirteen years ago)

share with your sisters

more like slayla (NZA), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:38 (thirteen years ago)

you're supposed to be the responsible one

more like slayla (NZA), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:39 (thirteen years ago)

If you're bored I can give you plenty of things to do

stet, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:40 (thirteen years ago)

(in disapproving voice): "....joseph...."

Prince Rebus (donna rouge), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:40 (thirteen years ago)

You only have one sister, and someday when I'm gone, you'll understand what that means.

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:42 (thirteen years ago)

oh, for PETE SAKES.

epistantophus, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:43 (thirteen years ago)

Touch it, and I'll break your arm.

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:46 (thirteen years ago)

oh, poop!

Check out these bent items: (arby's), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:47 (thirteen years ago)

"(in disapproving voice): "....joseph...."

SCOTT ANTHONY SEWARD!...(any time i swore/farted/burped/was even vaguely ribald)

scott seward, Friday, 17 February 2012 02:49 (thirteen years ago)

I reserve the right to say 'I told you so'

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 02:59 (thirteen years ago)

children should be seen and not heard

demolition with discretion (m coleman), Friday, 17 February 2012 03:07 (thirteen years ago)

get your elbows off the table

demolition with discretion (m coleman), Friday, 17 February 2012 03:08 (thirteen years ago)

"Tuppence ha'penny looking down on tuppence."
"The dogs won't lick your blood."
"...even in a joke", as in "don't tell people to shut up, even in a joke," or "don't slap your brother, even in a joke."
"If you're not going to do it with a good heart, don't do it at all," (to which my response was always "fine, I won't do it at all, then").
"I didn't ask you how you were, I asked you if you wanted a drink."
"I like Helen Mirren but I don't like Faye Dunaway," (you'd be surprised how often this comes up).

trishyb, Friday, 17 February 2012 10:41 (thirteen years ago)

If you can't say a nice thing don't say anything at all

ledge, Friday, 17 February 2012 10:46 (thirteen years ago)

My mum is French, so there was the odd mis-translation:

- When my sister was an infant my Mum took her home from the doctor's who had told her she had "cradle crap"
- If I'd lost something and she found it for me, she'd say "What is this, chicken?"
- Although now a very good English speaker, she still has difficulty with the consonant clusters in "strength" and "length", which end up as "strench" and "lench", which used to confuse me loads.

The Invisible Superstars (dog latin), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:10 (thirteen years ago)

"Drive carefully"--last thing she always said when you headed home from a visit. It was so automatic, she even said it to me once just before I hung up the phone.

clemenza, Friday, 17 February 2012 11:15 (thirteen years ago)

- "we'll all be rooned, said hanrahan"
- "it's where you left it"
- "if you cant remember what you wanted to tell me it can't have been very important"

Lindsay NAGL (Trayce), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:19 (thirteen years ago)

"You have a CHOICE"

Which then leads to a massive door-slamming row about Agency vs Structure, but that's what happens when your mum has too many degrees from Yale and you're a high school dropout.

White Chocolate Cheesecake, Friday, 17 February 2012 11:28 (thirteen years ago)

Douglas Douglas, strong and able, keep your elbows off the table.

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:33 (thirteen years ago)

"Tuppence ha'penny looking down on tuppence."

Ah, nostalgia for a phrase I never heard.

Mark G, Friday, 17 February 2012 11:33 (thirteen years ago)

stink 'em stank 'em, bee bow buck

TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:42 (thirteen years ago)

- "if you cant remember what you wanted to tell me it can't have been very important"

YES!

The Invisible Superstars (dog latin), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:42 (thirteen years ago)

a cat may look at a king.

estela, Friday, 17 February 2012 11:44 (thirteen years ago)

Look it up.

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:48 (thirteen years ago)

"he doesn't know if it's Tuesday or oranges"

"you'd laugh to see a pudding crawl"

iirc she inherited both of these from her mother, I have never heard either anywhere else ever

Sylv_ebanks (DJ Mencap), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:53 (thirteen years ago)

second one comes up in autocomplete tho fwiw

Sylv_ebanks (DJ Mencap), Friday, 17 February 2012 11:54 (thirteen years ago)

"Tuppence ha'penny looking down on tuppence."

this phrase is amazing

desperado, rough rider (thomp), Friday, 17 February 2012 12:10 (thirteen years ago)

mainly because i like the idea of an alternative to 'narcissism of small differences'

desperado, rough rider (thomp), Friday, 17 February 2012 12:10 (thirteen years ago)

Please use "you'd laugh to see a pudding crawl" in context. Is there a context?

trishyb, Friday, 17 February 2012 13:24 (thirteen years ago)

"oh dear"
"well, well, well –– three holes in the ground"

"renegade" gnome (remy bean), Friday, 17 February 2012 13:27 (thirteen years ago)

get your elbows off the table

―demolition with discretion (m coleman), Thursday, February 16, 2012
10:08 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Erica Erica willing and able get your elbows off the table.

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 13:37 (thirteen years ago)

Lol I hadn't seen beachville's post.

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 13:38 (thirteen years ago)

Don't be a goop.

Laurel will get that one.

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 13:39 (thirteen years ago)

You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sweet but v v loaded.

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 13:41 (thirteen years ago)

Don't make me wash your mouth out with soap!

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 13:42 (thirteen years ago)

Please use "you'd laugh to see a pudding crawl" in context. Is there a context?

― trishyb, Friday, 17 February 2012 13:24 (26 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

supposing you were reading an excelsior thread and noticed that there was a poster submitting lols there about every five posts, many of which weren't that funny, and you felt you needed to say something

that is what you would say to them

Sylv_ebanks (DJ Mencap), Friday, 17 February 2012 13:56 (thirteen years ago)

- Put your hat on!/Are you wearing a hat? (probably not)
- We're not heating the outdoors! (why is it hard for kids to close doors)
- elbows off the table! sit up straight! (ugh)
- no fighting! (fighting!)
- i love you (i love you too...)

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Friday, 17 February 2012 14:50 (thirteen years ago)

over the last decade my mom has heavily used

ISH!

instead of shit or dang or what have you

tmi but (Z S), Friday, 17 February 2012 14:53 (thirteen years ago)

something about the way it sounds makes the hair on the back of my neck standup

i should shave that hair btw

tmi but (Z S), Friday, 17 February 2012 14:54 (thirteen years ago)

"If you're cold, put on a sweater."

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 14:54 (thirteen years ago)

"If you're cold, put on a sweater."

― getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, February 17, 2012 8:54 AM (25 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

flesh, the devil, and a wolf (wolf) (amateurist), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:19 (thirteen years ago)

Mom otm about the sweater

tmi but (Z S), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:22 (thirteen years ago)

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

(Catholic Mom 3-alarm fire)

Literal Facepalms (Dr Morbius), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:23 (thirteen years ago)

Correcting my grammar any time I said "me and _____" instead of "______ and I". Continues to this day.

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:25 (thirteen years ago)

If you're cold, move around.

If you're bored, go outside and play.

In response to toddler tears: You must be tired. You should go to bed.

You get more with sugar than vinegar.

Virginia Plain, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:26 (thirteen years ago)

xp Even when "me and ____" was correct? That hypercorrection has much to answer for.

ledge, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:27 (thirteen years ago)

In response to "What's for dinner?": "What are you making?"

Virginia Plain, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:27 (thirteen years ago)

I don't know in which cases "me and _____" would be correct. My mom probably does though. I'm just talking about the general "Me and Mikey are going to the park." "Mikey and I!"

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:28 (thirteen years ago)

that is what you would say to them

Certainly is now.

"Who's she, the cat's mother?" Because you said "she" instead of the person's name.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

(Catholic Mom 3-alarm fire)

Sometimes can be "Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the holy donkey!" when the mood's right.

trishyb, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:29 (thirteen years ago)

xp:emphasis hers

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:29 (thirteen years ago)

"Jesus, Mary and Josephine!"

Virginia Plain, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:29 (thirteen years ago)

Yeah, "You'll catch more flies with honey" was a big one at our house, too.

Also a lot of bible verses tbh.

In response to "What's for dinner?": "What are you making?"

Looool. At our house this was:

"What's for dinner?"
"Food."
(very put out) "What KIND of food???"
"The edible kind."
"MOOOOOM! What KIND of edible food?"
"The kind I'm making."
...&tc

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:31 (thirteen years ago)

Also if you asked too many questions or stayed in the kitchen, she'd make you wash something.

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:32 (thirteen years ago)

Jesus, I have started having that exchange with my son at dinner time.

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:32 (thirteen years ago)

"Make yourself useful, and not just ornamental."

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:32 (thirteen years ago)

"Beauty is only skin-deep, but ugliness goes all the way to the bone."

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:33 (thirteen years ago)

The reason I get defensive is that I know he's asking because he know whether it's something he can complain about.

getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:33 (thirteen years ago)

My mom's favorite of-the-moment profanity, inherited from my grandmother, was "Shit fire and save the matches."

A Full Torgo Apparition (Phil D.), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:34 (thirteen years ago)

Why do you think she wouldn't tell us it was "camper stew"?

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:34 (thirteen years ago)

They should put her on a boat and sink it.

(said of whatever pop singers were pissing her off at the time: Madonna, Sinead etc)

Literal Facepalms (Dr Morbius), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:36 (thirteen years ago)

"Who's she, the cat's mother?" Because you said "she" instead of the person's name.

Yep!

The Invisible Superstars (dog latin), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:39 (thirteen years ago)

I don't know in which cases "me and _____" would be correct.

Same cases where you'd say just "me" if "_____" wasn't present. "The teacher asked me and _____ to stay behind after school." Basically everyone on TV now says "_____ and I" in every single case. I try not to be a grammar pedant but at least here I can lay the blame on (incorrect) grammar pedants themselves.

ledge, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:41 (thirteen years ago)

(not to pick on yr mum, my mum said it too)

ledge, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:42 (thirteen years ago)

People are for loving, not for hitting.

In response to my three-time sneezes: "God bless you! God love you! God keep you safe!"

We must be parsimonious.

And when she was apologizing sarcastically, she would sing (terribly, she has a terrible singing voice) the first few lines to "I'm Sorry" by the Platters.

carl agatha, Friday, 17 February 2012 15:48 (thirteen years ago)

I don't know in which cases "me and _____" would be correct.

Same cases where you'd say just "me" if "_____" wasn't present. "The teacher asked me and _____ to stay behind after school." Basically everyone on TV now says "_____ and I" in every single case. I try not to be a grammar pedant but at least here I can lay the blame on (incorrect) grammar pedants themselves.

― ledge, Friday, February 17, 2012 10:41 AM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

People say the it's "_________ and I" thing so often than actually knowing when "me and _________" is correct is still difficult for me to this day.

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:49 (thirteen years ago)

The phrase "trauma and drama" to describe any unpleasant or unfortunate situation.

"Well you know your dog is a shelter-rescue dog, who knows what kind of trauma and drama went on in her life..."

"Finally, a Christmas without all the trauma and drama!"

#1 Inspector Spacetime Fanboy (Viceroy), Friday, 17 February 2012 15:53 (thirteen years ago)

'Home again, home again; jiggety-jig.'

'Well-- there the damn thing sits!'

'This too shall pass...'

Axolotl with an Atlatl (Jon Lewis), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:16 (thirteen years ago)

"what you say may fade away, but what you write will never."

i think this is serious (elmo argonaut), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:21 (thirteen years ago)

was that pre-messageboards?

Literal Facepalms (Dr Morbius), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:25 (thirteen years ago)

"only fools names and face do appear in public places" wrt graffiti

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:28 (thirteen years ago)

"...take walk with frog" when announcing any and all imminent plans

this stems from all time literary classic

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/9/91/Frog_and_toad_cover.jpg/200px-Frog_and_toad_cover.jpg

in which Toad writes out a 'to do' list including the above

Sylv_ebanks (DJ Mencap), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:28 (thirteen years ago)

"Stick out your tongue"

If she thought I was lying she would make me stick out my tongue because to check and see if it was green because everyone knows that's what happens when you lie.

wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:29 (thirteen years ago)

God how I loved Frog & Toad Are Friends

Axolotl with an Atlatl (Jon Lewis), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:30 (thirteen years ago)

"only fools names and face do appear in public places" wrt graffiti

My grandmother said this! In her version it was "Fools' names, like fools' faces, are often seen in public places"

Which is like... what is the meaning there? That wise people stay indoors all day??

TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Friday, 17 February 2012 16:33 (thirteen years ago)

Which is like... what is the meaning there? That wise people stay indoors all day??

My understanding of it would be: fools go outdoors like everyone else, so their faces are routinely seen; however, with regard to names, only those of fools appear in graffiti.

dubmill, Friday, 17 February 2012 16:40 (thirteen years ago)

Whenever I said I felt sick, she would feel my forehead and pronounce: "Cool as a cucumber!"

Virginia Plain, Friday, 17 February 2012 16:44 (thirteen years ago)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGHT THOUGHT (in response to saying, upon getting in trouble, "but i thought..."). i still don't know what thought, thought.

you sound like a herd of baby elephants (walking too loudly around the house)

were you born in a tent?? (not closing the door after myself)

children should be seen and not heard (i feel like i heard that every day of my childhood)

(upon making a face) better be careful the wind doesn't change or your face will stay like that

if you ask, you won't get

just1n3, Friday, 17 February 2012 16:45 (thirteen years ago)

don't get pregnant!

horseshoe, Friday, 17 February 2012 16:59 (thirteen years ago)

waste not want not

took me about 20 years to figure out what that one meant.

ledge, Friday, 17 February 2012 17:00 (thirteen years ago)

"but he started it" "well you carried on with it!"

ledge, Friday, 17 February 2012 17:00 (thirteen years ago)

you're not getting down from the table until you eat everything on your plate (she meant it, too)

there are children starving in ethiopia, so just be grateful you have anything to eat (it was always ethiopia)

just1n3, Friday, 17 February 2012 17:03 (thirteen years ago)

"Why do you think COATHANGERS were invented?" (when I threw my coat in a corner or on the floor)

"I'm going to have to phone your school! They are making you way too smart for your own good" (when being a smartass)

"Because I say so!"

HO WBEAUTIFUL IS THE GENTLYFALLINGBLOOD? (Le Bateau Ivre), Friday, 17 February 2012 17:49 (thirteen years ago)

a lot of you have very poetic moms

Prince Rebus (donna rouge), Friday, 17 February 2012 18:03 (thirteen years ago)

"Funny how? Like I'm a clown, like I'm here to amuse you? Tell me--what the fuck is so funny about me?"

We all miss mom.

clemenza, Friday, 17 February 2012 18:12 (thirteen years ago)

an exaggerated sassy "thank you!" when someone says something she considers particularly OTM

andrew m., Friday, 17 February 2012 18:14 (thirteen years ago)

fight, ya buggers, fight!

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 18:16 (thirteen years ago)

Whenever anyone said " I don't care"...
"don't care was made to care, and made to care was hung"
Sometimes she'd sing it (badly) and add the next bit, " made to care was put in prison, made to hold his tongue"
Which makes no sense now I think about it .

Lindsay NAGL (Trayce), Friday, 17 February 2012 20:23 (thirteen years ago)

a lot of you have very poetic moms

Jenny kissed me, when we met
Jumping from the chair she sat in.
Time, you thief, who love to get
sweets into your list, put that in.
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
say that health and wealth have missed me.
Say I'm growing old--but add
Jenny kissed me.

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 20:27 (thirteen years ago)

True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare
False friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere.

Recited all the time. ALL the time.

Janet Snakehole (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 February 2012 20:28 (thirteen years ago)

Don't be sorry, be sensible.

Nicole, Friday, 17 February 2012 21:13 (thirteen years ago)

Nicole, I have been internally chortling all day at yours from v early on: "I should never have had children."

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 21:15 (thirteen years ago)

Mine would say, "There's no point in crying over spilled milk" and then tell the story of the day when her own mother, who had 5 kids, was alerted to one spilled glass of milk too many while trying to serve lunch, and instead of losing her temper she put all the kids in their coats and into their red wagon and walked around the block several times, pulling them behind her, until she cooled off.

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 21:17 (thirteen years ago)

She still says that every once in awhile! My favorite one is this:

"Want in one hand, spit in the other and see which fills up the fastest."

Who says this? She always used to say this if I was asking for a comic book or doll or something she wasn't going to get for me, and it still sounds like one of the strangest ways of telling a child no. xp

Nicole, Friday, 17 February 2012 21:18 (thirteen years ago)

'What's fir ye will no go by ye'

sleigh tracks (1933-1969) (MaresNest), Friday, 17 February 2012 21:18 (thirteen years ago)

"Save your pennies."

drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, 17 February 2012 21:19 (thirteen years ago)

"Patience is a virtue."

Trip Maker, Friday, 17 February 2012 21:49 (thirteen years ago)

"Want in one hand, spit in the other and see which fills up the fastest."

My grandmother prefers the more prosaic "Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

I know this is moms, not grandmothers, but my grandmother is my mom's mother so I'll share a couple more of her good ones:

You're like a fart in a storm. (If someone is being restless.)
She's like a goat: hard head, stinkin' ass.
Your eyes look like two holes pissed in the snow. (If someone looks tired.)
Go shit in your hat and pull it over your ears.
He's too dumb to pour piss out of a boot.

carl agatha, Friday, 17 February 2012 21:51 (thirteen years ago)

Also my grandmother called farting either "shooting rabbits" or "shooting Indians." :(

carl agatha, Friday, 17 February 2012 21:52 (thirteen years ago)

If my Grandfather ever heard the time mentioned on the radio or TV he would repeat the time and say 'Seven O'clock and all's well, an Irishman drowned in the Clyde' where the fuck that comes from I'll never know.

sleigh tracks (1933-1969) (MaresNest), Friday, 17 February 2012 21:58 (thirteen years ago)

"Want in one hand, spit in the other and see which fills up the fastest."

A whole bunch of the older farmer types I knew from the small town I lived in in high school said this, except it was "shit" in the other.

Gonjasufjanstephen O'Malley (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Friday, 17 February 2012 22:04 (thirteen years ago)

"You look like the Wild Man From Borneo" (hairstyle disapproval)
"This house/room looks like a cyclone hit it" (obvious)

Race Against Rockism (Myonga Vön Bontee), Friday, 17 February 2012 22:09 (thirteen years ago)

that woman looks like mutton dressed up as lamb

just1n3, Friday, 17 February 2012 23:35 (thirteen years ago)

Haha both my parents used the "wild man of borneo" one more than a few times!

Lindsay NAGL (Trayce), Friday, 17 February 2012 23:36 (thirteen years ago)

<3 carl agatha's grandmother

lil kink (Matt P), Friday, 17 February 2012 23:38 (thirteen years ago)

over the last decade my mum has heavily used

Bollocky-boo

instead of shit or dang or what have you

kinder, Saturday, 18 February 2012 00:11 (thirteen years ago)

Mine always says "BUGGERATION!"

Lindsay NAGL (Trayce), Saturday, 18 February 2012 00:14 (thirteen years ago)

(she doesnt swear at all, that aside, so if she ever utters "shit" you know she is VERY UPSET)

Lindsay NAGL (Trayce), Saturday, 18 February 2012 00:14 (thirteen years ago)

Nicole, I have been internally chortling all day at yours from v early on: "I should never have had children."

― drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, February 17, 2012 4:15 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is how i read my mother's urgent "i love you! don't get pregnant!" sign off to ever phone conversation i have ever had with her.

horseshoe, Saturday, 18 February 2012 01:48 (thirteen years ago)

"Let's don't and say we did."

andrew m., Friday, 2 March 2012 18:16 (thirteen years ago)

"take that pirate hat off at the dinner table"

large ornery cat (blank), Friday, 2 March 2012 18:24 (thirteen years ago)

My mom will always opine that the sex scene in a movie was "unnecessary".

MrDasher, Friday, 2 March 2012 18:29 (thirteen years ago)

haha my mom does the same thing -- "it's not that I have a problem with nudity in movies, I just thought it was gratuitous in that case." This is in every case.

simulation and similac (Hurting 2), Friday, 2 March 2012 19:23 (thirteen years ago)

When instead of 'you two' or 'you all' etc my brother and I would say 'youse' my mother would replay 'Ewes are the sheep in the street baa baa'

Uncle Terry's Tampon Tea (sunny successor), Monday, 5 March 2012 23:33 (thirteen years ago)

Also calling a woman 'she' rather than by her name my mother would say 'She is the cats mother'

I still have no clue what this means

Uncle Terry's Tampon Tea (sunny successor), Monday, 5 March 2012 23:34 (thirteen years ago)

To me in particular "My our cat has a long tail"

Uncle Terry's Tampon Tea (sunny successor), Monday, 5 March 2012 23:34 (thirteen years ago)

As a teen I collected every issue of every fashion and music magazine that came out. I would pile these on bookshelves, under my bed, stacked around the room. My mother would say 'I've told you paper attracts rats. THIS ROOM IS A RATS NEST! MY DAUGHTER LIVES IN A RATS NEST!! ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF??? A RAT'S NEST!!!!!'

Uncle Terry's Tampon Tea (sunny successor), Monday, 5 March 2012 23:38 (thirteen years ago)

totally proud btw

Uncle Terry's Tampon Tea (sunny successor), Monday, 5 March 2012 23:39 (thirteen years ago)

She is the cats mother --- all the time
Waste not want not

Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 5 March 2012 23:39 (thirteen years ago)

i went to stay with a good friend of mine at his parents house in Byron Bay (east coast hippie bullshit town in australia). We were watching some romantic comedy type thing one night. When the actors finally started kissing my friend's father leapt out of his chair, turned to us, and asked in a very loud voice 'Coffee? Tea? Bonox? Anyone?' and then scurried off to the kitchen for the next 20 minutes. I came to realize that any movie we watched where there was anything from kissing to nude scenes to sex he would always do this. "Coffee? Tea? Bonox??". Def the best part of every movie I watched on the vacation.

Uncle Terry's Tampon Tea (sunny successor), Monday, 5 March 2012 23:46 (thirteen years ago)

I have the weirdest bonox

kinder, Tuesday, 6 March 2012 02:29 (thirteen years ago)

"Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace."

"You can't go out dressed like that!"

and when she's upset, she just says, "Daaaaaammmmmmnnn". Like really drawn out, which is weird, because she grew up in a Polish section of Philadelphia in the 50s and 60s.

Sophomore subs are the new Smith lesbians. (the table is the table), Tuesday, 6 March 2012 02:45 (thirteen years ago)

'stop showing off'

owenf, Tuesday, 6 March 2012 11:36 (thirteen years ago)

Bonox is... beef extract that you drink? Do people often request a Bonox beef drink over coffee or tea?

carl agatha, Tuesday, 6 March 2012 13:32 (thirteen years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGhno2noppc

carl agatha, Tuesday, 6 March 2012 13:33 (thirteen years ago)

Who am I kidding, I would probably love that stuff.

carl agatha, Tuesday, 6 March 2012 13:33 (thirteen years ago)

DELL!!!!

Are you cold?

Why are you sitting in the dark? Here, let me turn on a light for you so you don't go blind

dell (del), Tuesday, 6 March 2012 13:34 (thirteen years ago)

east coast hippie bullshit town in australia

Australia has an "east coast"? I thought that when you were that antipodal everything just converges into some mobius strip situation. If anything is a direction it would be north. Fucking magnets

dell (del), Tuesday, 6 March 2012 13:37 (thirteen years ago)

two months pass...

(upon seeing me sitting around with my legs splayed in an unlady-like manner)

"close your legs, no one wants to see what you had for breakfast"

just1n3, Wednesday, 9 May 2012 18:46 (thirteen years ago)

omg my mum says that too!

Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 18:51 (thirteen years ago)

Must be an Antipodean thing.

Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 9 May 2012 18:51 (thirteen years ago)

girls be showin their breakfast

Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 18:55 (thirteen years ago)

so what DID you have for breakfast...?

zubaz fupa (elmo argonaut), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 19:05 (thirteen years ago)

a lady never tells

Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 19:07 (thirteen years ago)

You all have a strange way of eating breakfast.

Polly biscuit face (carl agatha), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 19:32 (thirteen years ago)

That's what I never understood!

just1n3, Wednesday, 9 May 2012 19:50 (thirteen years ago)

Whenever anything sexual occurs on TV: "Sex rears its ugly head." It's a real expression from the 1930s.

"Insurance pee": precautionary urination before a car ride. Origins unknown.

Träumerei, Wednesday, 9 May 2012 20:40 (thirteen years ago)

"close your legs, no one wants to see what you had for breakfast"

The only way I can understand this is as an implication that you ate pussy for breakfast? Which is the kind of crass joke my dad would crack, but never my mom!

Dale, dale, dale (Abbbottt), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:25 (thirteen years ago)

"no one wants to see what you had for breakfast" is just blowing my mind

40oz of tears (Jordan), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:28 (thirteen years ago)

it is gross/hilarious. maybe it means she can see up your butt into your digestive system?

congratulations (n/a), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:30 (thirteen years ago)

In that case, you must sit very strangely...

Polly biscuit face (carl agatha), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:31 (thirteen years ago)

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X7N46EsuPYM/TdT0uNQ2BMI/AAAAAAAAACA/qVI9LRGvKZA/s320/Mork+And+Mindy+4.jpg

Polly biscuit face (carl agatha), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:34 (thirteen years ago)

xps or if you sit that way it's just going to tumble right out of you? my head...

arby's, Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:35 (thirteen years ago)

this has quickly become my favorite thread

He's sick of the Swiss. He don't like em. (Austerity Ponies), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:38 (thirteen years ago)

Maybe it has to do with skid marks...

*burning shame* :(

Träumerei, Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:47 (thirteen years ago)

vulva over-easy

Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:53 (thirteen years ago)

instant regret

Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 9 May 2012 21:53 (thirteen years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tkl4Y0sxerQ

He's sick of the Swiss. He don't like em. (Austerity Ponies), Thursday, 10 May 2012 13:52 (thirteen years ago)

lol

andrew m., Thursday, 10 May 2012 14:07 (thirteen years ago)

at least once a day my mother eats a 'little bowl of nice greens' which is what she calls her spring mix salads. this isn't noteable in itself, except she always announces that's she's eating her 'little bowl of nice greens' to which my father always replies 'at least they're not rude greens, or horrid greens - no, you wouldn't want that.' it is their routine, but they never seem to enjoy it: my father is annoyed that my mother introduced her salad, and my mother feels mocked. but, like clockwork...

remy bean, Thursday, 10 May 2012 14:15 (thirteen years ago)

two years pass...

i still don't get the "see what you have for breakfast" remark. like...where did that turn of phrase originate?

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 00:04 (eleven years ago)

I have no clue. That is really strange to me and I'm glad I'm not the only one. But

"God bless his soul", as in..."God bless his soul, he tried"

Dreamland, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 00:11 (eleven years ago)

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=I%20could%20see%20what%20she%20had%20for%20breakfast

this....uh...helps? not really

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 00:23 (eleven years ago)

'Keeeeep going'. Said brightly and tensely when we dawdled.

ljubljana, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 00:27 (eleven years ago)

when I'd say "so?" to my mom in response to her saying something would happen, she would often reply "So? sew your pants."

Neanderthal, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 00:32 (eleven years ago)

New pickup line: "how about we go back to my place and you show me what you had for breakfast?"

I'll show you what I had for lunch

Dreamland, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 00:37 (eleven years ago)

I'm p sure the "no one wants to see what you had for breakfast" is just a ref to "I can see right up into you" sort of comment. Still gross.

the Bronski Review (Trayce), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 10:09 (eleven years ago)

Me:Hey...
Mom: Hay is for horses.

how's life, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 10:31 (eleven years ago)

I think we probably say most of these to our kids. but anyway, my mother to me : "you couldn't organise a piss-up in a brothel!"

thomasintrouble, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 10:32 (eleven years ago)

"And your room is a mell of a hess."

"Don't ask me; go ask your mother."

Orson Wellies (in orbit), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 10:36 (eleven years ago)

love this thread

blap setter (darraghmac), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 10:44 (eleven years ago)

"The job's not done until the tools are put away."

"I'm not yelling. You'll KNOW when I yell!"

"It's toilet time" sung in the tune of "It's Twilight Time", literally every night when I was getting ready for bed until I was about 12.

franny glasshole (franny glass), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 14:18 (eleven years ago)

absolutely loving remy bean's "bowl of nice greens" story. it's like a scene from a low-octane edward albee play.

TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 14:21 (eleven years ago)

Also 'Your mother wears army boots' in response to grumbling from children...which I never understood and omg, a quick google tells me it basically means 'your mother is a whore'. I am positive she doesn't know this.

franny glasshole (franny glass), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 14:22 (eleven years ago)

Save for a rainy day

, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 15:36 (eleven years ago)

Will wonders never cease!

Montgomery Burns' Jazz (Tarfumes The Escape Goat), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 15:42 (eleven years ago)

you need a gratitude attitude

the tune was space, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 15:43 (eleven years ago)

xps to discussion of momma wearing combat boots:

whoa! I had just thought it was a criticism of your mom's femininity. Like, she's doing what is perceived as a perceived man's job/she's butch. It sounds like your mother thought it meant she was really tough! I think I remember seeing the phrase in newspaper comic strips from the 70s or 80s (Bloom County? Doonesbury?).

how's life, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 15:44 (eleven years ago)

A bored person is a boring person

A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Waste not, want not.

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 16:44 (eleven years ago)

When we were leaving somewhere to go back home: Home James, and don't spare the horses

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 16:45 (eleven years ago)

don't get pregnant!

― horseshoe, Friday, February 17, 2012 11:59 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 16:54 (eleven years ago)

Whenever one of her teenaged daughters was leaving on a date:

"Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful."

frog latin (Aimless), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 17:16 (eleven years ago)

Ha, my dad's dad-joke was "Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful. And if you can't be careful, name it after me in 9 months."

curmudgeon, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 17:18 (eleven years ago)

lol

mattresslessness, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 17:19 (eleven years ago)

haha

, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 17:46 (eleven years ago)

"bit goes in a horse's mouth" apparently on the basis that you should use more specific language when referring to nebulously defined small quantities. ach this is absurd. I'm still annoyed.

"unzip a banana" from an ad campaign of her youth and irritatingly deployed at the slightest hint of bananas.

"I'm going to bang your silly heads together" usually directed at my twin brothers but sometimes all of us. usually in a tone of actual belligerence rather than a phatic expression of irritation.

"going to!" used if me or my brothers even gestured towards saying "gonna". also absurd, and get still the voice rings in my ears. my mum was and is a colossal snob, like her high church but lower middle mum before her. they ran a minor cottage industry in forging shibboleths that enabled them to claim superiority over those they were in competition with. this has disintegrated into straight misanthropy now for my mum.

Fizzles, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 17:52 (eleven years ago)

When my mom was genuinely angry at us she would say: "I'm so angry I can't see straight!"

Or else she would channel her anger into the mock threat: "I'll shoot you! I'll shoot you and then boil you in oil!"

frog latin (Aimless), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 18:06 (eleven years ago)

you hide and watch

bouts of remission, hot 'n fresh out tha kitchen (will), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 19:25 (eleven years ago)

did anyone's use Livia Soprano's "Poor you"?

son of a lewd monk (Dr Morbius), Tuesday, 15 July 2014 19:31 (eleven years ago)

"you don't have to like it, you just have to eat it"

my bf says that when he would say that he was thirsty, his mother would reply in the imperative: "Drink your spit!"

the tune was space, Tuesday, 15 July 2014 22:27 (eleven years ago)

Oh ha yes, "there's water in the tap" was my mum's response to thirst.

My mum also did "I'm going to bang your heads together" if we were arguing. Also "One of you kids is going to end up crying!" if we were getting overexcited/rough.

xps to discussion of momma wearing combat boots:

whoa! I had just thought it was a criticism of your mom's femininity. Like, she's doing what is perceived as a perceived man's job/she's butch. It sounds like your mother thought it meant she was really tough! I think I remember seeing the phrase in newspaper comic strips from the 70s or 80s (Bloom County? Doonesbury?).

― how's life, Tuesday, July 15, 2014 3:44 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

It's something to do with hookers in the war...in any case mum uses it (always jokingly) when someone (always a child) is whining or protesting or generally being saucy. I always thought it was a weird thing for a mother to say to her own kid. But as I say, I guarantee she doesn't know its origins.

franny glasshole (franny glass), Wednesday, 16 July 2014 02:19 (eleven years ago)

something to do with hookers in the war

I seem to recall the "aaaah, yer mother wears army boots" line in the mouths of 'tough street kids' in 30s Warner Bros movies, so the war in question could go back a while.

frog latin (Aimless), Wednesday, 16 July 2014 02:42 (eleven years ago)

eleven months pass...

I just got the Mom-est email from my Mom:

We can no longer get our TV upstairs in our bedroom to change channels. It seems that it will forever be stuck on the Weather Channel. I like to listen to the news in the morning while I get ready, but I have had to make do with only weather related news and highlights provided by MSNBC. I am telling you this because I can now pretty much tell you what the weather will be all over the continental US (and sometimes in Alaska and Hawaii).

<3 Mom

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Monday, 13 July 2015 15:14 (ten years ago)

two years pass...

when I lived at home if I dared open the fridge after midnight (even if mom was asleep and I planned to clean up afterwards) she'd get up and yell "I'M SICK OF YOU ACTING LIKE THIS IS AN ALL NIGHT DINER".

though tbh that's cos there were many nights we didn't clean up and left messy dishes in the sink and crumbs everywhere

Neanderthal, Monday, 14 August 2017 04:28 (eight years ago)


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