Have you ever found porn in the woods?

yes.

does the pope beat off in the woods?

No, but I thought this was just an English thing?

Not in the woods, but when I worked for a highway department in college I was always finding it in ditches along the rural roads we worked on. I'm guessing people tossing it out the car window as they drove along a dark country road late at night was a popular way of destroying evidence.

tossing it out the car window

Unfortunate choice of words...

jon, I'd say a rural ditch is close enough to being "the woods" to count

I suppose "under the bridge" counts if that bridge is pretty much surrounded by woods?

does "in a bag stuffed behind a hedge" count?

Unfortunate choice of words...

lol

porn just wants to be free imo

Penthouse In The Woods by Scud Mountain Boys was a lovely song about this.

Railway lines seem to have lots of porn.

Yes in the woods, and yes carefully tucked under a garbage barrel (for later retrieval I assume) at the Stanton City Park in 1971.

I suppose "under the bridge" counts if that bridge is pretty much surrounded by woods?

IMO yes

does "in a bag stuffed behind a hedge" count?

Was this a hedge in the middle of nowhere, or was it in a city/town/village? I think in order to count it would need to be, like, a hedge on the border of farmland, ie something totally, unambiguously rural.

also kind of chuckling thinking of "Under the Bridge" being about someone losing their porn mag

Yes. in a grove of woods in UCSC (long since bulldozed) that was known as "Elfland"

there was also an, um, ziploc bag filled with guess what

maybe porn actually grows in the woods and ppl who sell it are specialized farmers

xp: oh god, please say weed because otherwise GROSS

no my hedge was in town. feel like i must've stumbled across grumble in the woods at some point tho

little baggie of porn juice.

*shudder*

not woods but an overgrown disused bit of green habitat, if that makes sense. voted yes.

was 10 at the time. a friends younger brother, maybe like 8, got really confused about the naked chicks penis was and we had to explain ladies to him.

just think, before the d34thdr0n3 debacle it never would have occurred to me that someone would spunk into a Baggie

Does behind a dumpster count as the woods?

a jizzloc bag.

if the dumpster is in the wood, yeah

wish i had a scanner so i cd show y'all "Porn Free", the classic Viz comic strip about a nature reserve for porn mags

took a dump in a dumpster

when i was a teenager i used to walk around the wooded highway cloverleafs of my little subdivision. Found a pristine copy of hustler back there once.

Only in a ditch in a suburban subdivision.

also kind of chuckling thinking of "Under the Bridge" being about someone losing their porn mag

I did not think anyone could possibly make that song any worse, but you just have >_<

I remember it so clearly, there was a long article about the Fatty Arbuckle scandal in it. I read every damn word. Never looked at coke bottles the same way again.

I had a paper route when I was about 10-12 years old that skirted a row of frat houses and a wooded area in my hometown. Found many many pr0nz that way.

Also when I was even younger we lived in the country, but after moving to town continued to own & rent the country place for a while. My dad and I found a motherlode-type stash dumped on the corner of our property, which was about 50% wooded. I rode with him and one of his buddies as they took it to the dump with a load of assorted farmhouse trash. I distinctly remember the friend saying "I like the ones where they send in pictures of their wives."

I remember it so clearly, there was a long article about the Fatty Arbuckle scandal in it.

Wait, are you sure it wasn't just The New Yorker you found?

Most of the stuff I found was copies of Barely Legal.

They don't have pictures of "slick wet beavers" in any New Yorkers I ever read.

No, just 35,000 word thinkpieces about them.

I've just never seen a porn with a detailed account of the Fatty Arbuckle scandal either.

the range of articles in Hustler in the 70s/early 80s was pretty amazing tbrr

Theodore Sturgeon wrote reviews for them for a while.

See my days of discovery of these mags in the wild was mid 1990s, when the days of articles were long gone.

This was like 1982, maybe summer of 83 at the latest.

Everyone used to find random porn out in the woods when I was a kid, and I always wondered how it got there or if this continues to happen.

When I was as senior in high school, I went to a friend's house early on a Saturday morning in the fall, like the first weekend of classes at the local university. The friend lived a couple blocks from campus and there was a young guy passed out in his driveway, in a puddle of his own urine, with a copy of Hustler in his back pocket. We stole the Hustler and my friend's mom called the cops to come pick the guy up.

Now its probably just usb drives full of porn discarded in the woods.

yes. A spinney near school.

yeah, the woods of my youth rang with poon

I remember when all this were porn

"found"

http://kevinmaher.info/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/payitforward.jpg

"I only read it for the articles, and they're about scandalized silent comedy stars of the 20s, why?"

I found a copy of "Blondes Do It Better" in the woods of a park by the Ohio River in Louisville, KY- it's a great gay porn film starring Leo + Lance, the copy I found was nasty / fungoid / damp / half-rotten, which made the images look leprous and disturbing

to explain, this was a printed color mag of stills from the film

We found porn in a woody place

I don't live near any woods.

Whose Club this is I do not know.
His house is in the village, though.

wish I had spent more time in the 'woods'

though where I grew up it was called the bush so lol

I remember finding one where rain/exposure had shifted the dyes such that everyone had turned green. Just Hulks and She-Hulks all over the place.

would smash hulk

^^^ irl lol

I was in Australia with my parents as a teenager (16?) and we went on a nature walk...there was a porn magazine ripped up and scattered all along the trail. The pages were mostly intact and the pictures were really obviously visible. All I remember is it was SUPER uncomfortable and the only time any of us acknowledged it was my dad saying "That's unfortunate..." really softly.

ha

DJP didn't we talk about this in person? WOODSPORN is ... a thing.

no, I didn't know this was a thing that actually happened

even worse is SANDPORN, when it washes up half-mushy on the shore and you are all... uh, is that boobs or a frisbee advertisement?

At my last workplace, they found a stash hidden above some acoustic roofing tiles in the ceiling

WOODSPORN is a rite of passage. I found WOODSPORN in an Airstream trailer behind the deacon's house, along with a lot of vodka empties. The Airstream sat on top of a big hummock, and my 11-year-old buddies and I tried to push it down the hill. We didn't succeed, but we knocked it off its cinderblocks and onto its side, so nobody could get in the door. A year later we climbed in the window looking for, you know, whatever was in there and found a few squirrels and really, really, really old pack of cigarettes that we smoked until we almost passed out.

iirc, woodsporn was usually found to be under something, typically a cardboard box or wooden plank, as though hidden even from the eyes of the lord

When I was a kid, I found porn twice in the park near our house -- once it was a magazine, the second time it was a book. The magazine was full of lesbian porn so for the longest time I thought sex = cunnilingus (I was 7). The book I found a year or so later, and after I read it I would tear out pages and sell them individually to the boys at school.

xpost nicole = early page hits entrepreneur

closest was a porn mag my brother stole from a construction truck. we hid it in THE WOODS.

lol, my brother went into business with a friend of his selling a large cache of foundporn (not woodsporn) to kids at school. got busted which resulted in my mom having to confer with the principal about the on school grounds appropriateness of old issues of hustler.

feel like the weathered aesthetic of woodsporn, gleaming objects slowly returning to the earth, is p amazing but sadly prob impossible to document considering no one buys porn mags anymore

guess i could buy some vintage porn scatter it through the woods then come back a couple weeks later to photograph

50 vintage mags + 1 lomo camera = tumblr project

xp

I am so glad I never got caught. My primary motivation in selling it was to find a creative way not to bring it home, because my mother would have murdered me if she had found it. She already was disapproving of Mad magazine, so porn would have resulted in death.

haha xp

about a year ago I was walking to some club night in town and there were three jazzmags in a hedge by the road, clearly freshly placed there

three hours later I walked back and they were gone

it was like the late 2oth century took a holiday in the early 21st century and it made me feel warm

^ a/i confusion

See iatee this why children should not all grow up in manhattan

cityporn is so much less wholesome

A few years back we were out for dinner one night and I was walking along a downtown street, just looking at houses and window shopping and and found a polaroid of a naked man with a large penis on the front lawn of one of the houses. CITYPORN

yeah, cityporn is more disturbing, imo. i once found a bunch of snapshots of naked middle-aged women with their faces crossed out.

at a bus stop

sure, "disturbing" :D

This thread is revelatory

It's Systematory..

sharing my story from comedy thread:

there was an area of suburban woods near my house that had some porn kicking around in it along w/fading empty beer cans, i always attributed it to the teens who rode dirtbikes, walked through a half completed condo development to get there

― lag∞n, Tuesday, March 6, 2012 4:03 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I too found porn in the woods. it was like a signal from the far reaches of the solar system - "your life does
have meaning after all"

Truly surprised by N1cole's entrepreneurial instincts! Maybe I
shouldn't be.

Wow sorry about the phone formatting there...

nicole small business woman is a inspiration for all

yes and it was near a TREE FORT

^^^^universal experience imo

only thing left out of Tree of Life

Whose Club this is I do not know.
His house is in the village, though.

― "marvellously inoffensive" (Eazy), Tuesday, March 6, 2012 2:49 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

sadly, my woodporn memory is of finding woodporn when I was about 8 and snitching to my parents about it

i bet yr dad was pissed

Nicole <3

does 3-dimensional organic cruising porn count?

a polaroid of a naked man with a large penis on the front lawn of one of the houses.

There's some potential misplaced modifier stuff going on here that's really making me laugh.

lol

in philly there is this bar that offers "citywide specials". which equals a can of pbr and a shot of jim beam. so, when i encounter the word "city" placed next to just about anything for some reason my mind roams to that. so i'm trying to think of the found porn equivalent to that. which is probably just one of several wrong steps i've taken tonight since waking up from a late nap. yikes...

I think the only porn I ever found was my dad's but it wasn't in the woods, it was in his night stand.

there wasn't 'a forest' near my house cause I grew up in socal but I never saw a mag on the beach or whatever, in any case, by the time I was old enough to understand what they were the internet was 'doin its thing'

lol 2x

hahah Phil! jeez my grammar

surely there must be a workable zen koan based on finding woodporn in the city. have no fear, dell's on the case.

DELL IS ON THE JOB!

In all honesty I haven't been this fired up since Designing Women was cancelled

hahahahaha <3

I saw some porn in a hedgerow while out cycling at the weekend! Good times.

so THAT was the bustle Led Zep were singing about...

I think the only porn I ever found was my dad's but it wasn't in the woods, it was in his night stand.

with a friend of mine, i found porn in his parents' closet. it was mustache guy + mustache guy porn, like cops with handcuffs & "nightsticks". this caused him untold distress, cuz his stepdad was super christian, and my friend had bought into it, threw out all his foreigner albums and shit. lol, betrayal.

i mostly remember the extreme, clipped, head-shaking sternness of his response. the refusal. i thought the shit was funny...

looool

xxpost wait it was gay porn???

btw I'm exceedingly jealous of all your woodsporn finders. never happened to me (prolly cuz I hate being in the woods/where disgusting tress steal all my oxygen)

tress = trees

holy shit @ contenderizer's friend

my brother and his buddy found a porno mag in the woods once. he got bored with it then gave to me. i kept it in my room for about a year until my mom found it and threw it away. bless her heart, she never said anything.

my brother was always the one to find porn

xp

Living at home is such a drag...
Ah, your mom threw away your best porno mag...
You've got to fight
for your right
to poooooooooooooooornoooooooooooo!

many many times

i found a pretty enormous stash in my brother's old closet when i was about 14. my bro is 11 years older than me, so he was long gone and a lot of it was pretty grody 70s stuff (velvet magazine etc). it was buried under a bunch of his 'cool' older brother stuff like old baseball cards and art class projects.

i remember a feeling of odd frustration, like, this stuff has been just sitting here for YEARS and i only thought to look in here now?

Damn Contenderizer that's, uh, quite a find.

I only found a couple of really old Penthouses. This must have been in the early 90s and the mags were at least a decade old by then. One of them was the Vanessa Williams issue which iirc. The pictures were whatever but the stories and letters were pretty, uh, educational at the time.

ladies always be liking the stories

When I was about 12 or 13 a couple of us acquired a porn magazine somehow and took it to the woods, I think. I don't think we found it there. We just sat in the woods and looked at it for a bit, and then went and played football. Good times.

We totally found a pile of panty hose fetish porn in the woods once. One day some asshole picked a fight with us on the bus, so we "hid" the soiled (by the weather, I hope) stash in his backyard.

Wait. He bullied you so you GAVE HIM PORN? Did you give him your Transformers willingly, too?

Found some ripped-out pages from some generic-brand porn mag in the woods outside the summer camp I stayed at when I was 16 or so.

Didn't realize this was such a universal experience! Don't at all get why ppl go out into the woods to look at porn.

Seems to be a lot of ppl going into the woods to look for it tho.

because WE KNOW IT'S THERE

Do kids not play in the woods any more? Coz that's kind of up there with "what, porn magazines don't have weird articles any more?" o_0

the woods don't exist anymore

part of me thinks that video games have ruined going into the woods for many Western children

not woods, but in some bushes behind a garage

> part of me thinks that video games have ruined going into the woods for many Western children

open up a beer
and you say get over here
and look for porn in the woods....

i'd blame suburban sprawl not video games but that's just me

some of us grew up in the middle of nowhere ¯\(º o)/¯

like, there was an abandoned mine shaft and rock pile across from my house that was all overgrown. you best believe there was some porn in there.

Also you never really went searching for porn, you just encountered it from time to time.

^ this. when i was a kid, it seems like i knew just about every square inch of accessible ground w/in a mile of my house, and sometimes much further out. i mean, there were some back yards you never went into, and definitely some public areas you spent more time in than others, but we covered the territory, especially wooded areas, fields, culverts, construction sites, abandoned territory, etc. i imagine that weird shit of whatever sort is still out three, maybe not porn mags so much, but something. difference is that, as an adult, i don't spend enough time actively exploring to find it.

yeah, I grew up in Michigan, where there is a 10 cent deposit on cans and bottles. so we'd go looking for cans and bottles all over the place to make a few bucks and buy candy. those sagas yielded a few porn finds.

Have you ever found woods in your porn?

one friend of mine found a dead body on one of his excursions

that did not count as "porn" btw

holy shit! was it human?

anyway, xp: hell yeah, tons of outdoorsy porn in the 70s

holy shit @ contenderizer's friend

yeah, was weird. only a few weeks before, we had been playing D&D and listening to the eagles, and he'd suddenly started in about how rock and roll was evil. triggered by the occult spookiness of "hotel california" iirc. we were pretty close, so gave him shit about it (he'd never been religious before). he showed me this copy of jesus christ superstar that his stepdad had given him. we listened to it, and it was pretty cool, actually, and he started talking about people burning heavy metal records and how he should maybe do that. he didn't seem really excited by the prospect though. more like he was trying these ideas on for size.

by the end of his summer he moved in with his real dad and went back to normal.

one friend of mine found a dead body on one of his excursions

http://activerain.com/image_store/uploads/8/1/0/7/6/ar118446634367018.jpg

holy shit! was it human?

yup

same dude also once got pulled over for a ticket and watched the cop who pulled him over get run over by a truck

again, not "porn"

Did that mean he wasn't cited?

that was the exact same question we asked

they mailed the citation to his home address

there aren't holy shits enough in the world for that

yeah, I grew up in Michigan, where there is a 10 cent deposit on cans and bottles. so we'd go looking for cans and bottles all over the place to make a few bucks and buy candy. those sagas yielded a few porn finds.

Yes, this is how I made both of my porn finds! I would look for bottles and cans to turn in for Archie comic book money.

I suspect kids today not going into the woods as much has less to do with video games and more to do with parents being a lot more cautious about children going out on their own unattended? I walked all over my neighborhood by myself when I was young, and I cannot imagine letting my child do the same -- even back when I was a kid I had a couple of scary situations being approached by predatory/skeevy dudes.

Great, now imagining Jesus out in the woods taking a dump. I wonder if he ever used woodsporn to wipe afterwards? Juggs of Judea? Narazarean nymphos? Sapphic Samaritans?

I was hanging out at a friends house and asked if I could take a look through his D&D magazines. He said he had them in order and didn't want me to mess them up. I thought nothing of this until we were about to leave to go elsewhere and he pulled some porn magazines from the pile. Then he disposed of them in some bushes.

PPS - in case the picture i've painted is more lurid than the reality, the mustache guy porn we found was pretty tame. lot of hairy dudes in and out uniform, mostly cops and firefighters, sometimes enjoying boners together, but nothing super hardcore (but then we didn't study it too closely, either). there was also handcuffs & a vibrator. we couldn't decide if it was his mom's or his stepdad's, or both, or whatever. surprisingly, he wanted to believe it was his mom's, because his stepdad was "too christian" for that. i could tell he had doubts though...

My parents let me run all around my neighborhood too, but I was talking to my mom the other day about letting my kid go to the playground across the street from our house all by himself, and she was really surprised that we let him do it. "It's harder to do that these days..."

xps to Nicole.

In the 7th grade my classmate had a co-ed slumber party when her parents were out of town. A nanny or maid was left in the house. I still don't know how she managed to pull this off. There was a huge German chocolate cake and tons of pizza. The whole class showed up and got into her parent's booze. Kids were playing spin the bottle and taking shots, things going on under heavy blankets...

I had to use the bathroom and used one that was near an office. It had a stack of porn that towered way over my head, I was 4ft 8" or so at the time. I was super impressed for some reason. I got down on the floor to see what the year was, they seemed to be in chronological order, it was 1956. I wanted to see that mag so bad but was too respectful to start taking down the stack. I spent quite a bit of time trying to see what it was made up of, Hustlers, Playboys, Penthouse, Oui and others.

That was the best part of the party for me. After that I went home. Next morning drove past the house and there was pizza vomit all over the driveway and street. Looked like there had been a cake fight too.

uh, guys - maybe the reason there's less forest porn now is that there's this internet thing where people stash their porn instead of wooded areas.

35 years from now the question will be "have you ever found porn on a storage device?"

Now its probably just usb drives full of porn discarded in the woods.

― stan this sick bunt (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Tuesday, March 6, 2012 9:58 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Have you ever found woods in your porn?

If there wasn't a strict NO POSTING ANYTHING YOU FIND ON CHEESECAKE ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE INTERWEB I would be quoting some King Of Limbs slash for ya right now...

Also, Sleater-Kinney slash.

Years ago, my tweenage cousin was nearly knocked off his bike when a guy threw a Penthouse magazine centerfold out the car window at him. "Don't say I never gave you nothing" is what the guy shouted as he drove past. Weird.

Distant xpost, we were not bullied into giving him porn, we planted gross fetish porn in his yard so that he would be busted for porn possession BY HIS MOM.

cub scout paper drive. dunno if we kept any but i remember wading through the huge collection bin and fishing out playboys. if anything i feel i learned to associate good works w/ reward.

When I was in 7th grade in the wilderness in Montana I found a cabin full of porn. Porn and so many rat turds and ENORMOUS rats.

The cabin had clearly been abandoned for ages ago. It was inn the woods about 1/4 mile from my house with no visible road or path anywhere. It had a loft with a mattress, which is where all the porn was. I liked that porn b/c despite not knowing I was gay then, I enjoyed *something* about the scenes with both women AND men....

Unfortunately my friend-turned-mortal-enemy (had a savage fight with him that involved a pipe, and he made his friends make death threats to me and my parents over the phone) knew about the cabin, too, so I was always terrified that we would run into each other.

Also in the cabin was a selection of books of "love poems." I think each one actually had "love poems" in its title.

The other porn shack in Montana was on the property of a crazy recluse who told me and my dad a few times that he would shoot my dog if he ever saw her chasing a deer. I was too scared to go there, so I brought the porn home and hid it in a furnace vent and damn if my dad didn't fucking find it. What the fuck was he doing digging around in the ductwork??

obv he was looking for a place to hide his porn

I showed him: 5 years after he found my stash, he discovered I'd been calling LUBED-UP-MAN-ON-PRECUM-DRIPPING-MAN phone chat lines. LOL bet he wished I'd give Hustler a second chance then.

Seeing what was clogging up the furnance vent most probably

xpost

But appropriate, still.

When I was in 7th grade in the wilderness in Montana I found a cabin full of porn.

The porn shack! This is a whole other area of porn discovery!

When I was in my mid-20s, I lived in North Carolina and shared a small house with M___, a guy I knew from work. Since the area had been populated for a long, long time without ever becoming urban or even fully suburban, the woods were full of abandoned shit, and M___ was an inveterate looter of the unclaimed. Once, while out exploring, we found an old house in the middle of nowhere that had apparently last been occupied by a bunch of hobos during the 30s and/or 40s. In one of the upstairs rooms there was a huge cache of old leather corsets and pages torn from Sears & Roebuck catalogs advertising the same. Early 20th century hobo porn! There were also a number of crude, handmade toys (?) constructed mostly of wire, wood and string, of the sort where you turn a knob here and a bunch of other parts move to and fro over there.

I kept a couple of the toys and one of the corsets for a while, but they were pretty decrepit to begin with, and I wound up getting rid of them eventually.

20th century hobo porn

^ underrated King Crimson outtake

That's kind of enchanted
x-post

Did you also find Bon Iver demos?

Contenderizer: That sounds like an awesome discovery. I don't think I could of taken anything except pictures though I'd be afraid too for some reason. No pictures?

Of course there was porn in the woods. Finding porn in an abandoned building / house is a youth staple. Yet to find a dead body, though. Beer cans were a more rewarding find.

Better still ...finding a pack of Marlboro's! Nothing funnier than a bunch of twelve-year-olds getting excited about a cigarette.

nah, no pix. oversight. the yard was also full of old stone mile markers, but that may have been from a different hobo/non-hobo.

I'm glad that ILX is relatively free of parody threads but was tempted by the spectre of "have you ever shot porn in the woods?"

There were also a number of crude, handmade toys (?) constructed mostly of wire, wood and string, and cardboard tubes filled with wasps.

For the life of me I cant remember if I found porn in the woods but I want to say yes. I'm not going to vote.

I'm glad that ILX is relatively free of parody threads but was tempted by the spectre of "have you ever shot porn in the woods?"

Yeh, I resisted "have you ever found poon on your wood" which is no great loss for ILX.

Does a porn shit in the woods

That's one of those German specialties, right?

poop shelf iirc

porn shelf. well, i guess we all have those.

And to address the original question, I found a porn paperback walking home from work one night as a teenager. Not in the woods per se, but it was stuffed in an oleander bush, luckily about eye level so I spotted it. I still remember the name "Yodel In The Canyon" and it was actually fairly well written, compared to subsequent books I read. My friend and I eventually amassed a collection of books/mags, which we buried in a field behind our houses for safe keeping. I know I never went back for them, and kind of doubt he did either. I imagine they were ruined by rain after a while even though we wrapped them in plastic. The field was later developed for houses, so maybe some teenager forced to dig a hole for something found them and got an illicit reward.

ha thats one of those things that prob seemed perfectly reasonable as you were doing it but would just be totally baffling to anyone who dug them up

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

I saw a torn-out page from a porn magazine on a bike path near the lake (in a more industrial part of town) once, I don't know If that counts.

yah it counts

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

Wow, that's impressive.

bravo ilx!

Is this the highest turnout for an ILX poll ever?

not sure i really believe this

xp: did you miss the Smiths vs. the Cure or what?

does a bear wank in the woods?

looking for porn in A Forest

If Morrissey leaves Manchester at 7:30PM heading South, and Robert Smith leaves Crawley at 7:45PM heading North, which of them will find some porn in the woods first?

So where do I find these woods?

"The girl was never there
It's always the same
just porn in a forest
again and again and again and..."

The Boy With The Porn In His Woods

Have you ever found porn in the woods?
Walking along, and finding the goods.
It's not always chicks, it's not always dudes,
Have you ever found porn in the woods?

(apologies to the Lovin Spoonful)

A Porner Forest

There was this aspen grove outside town my high school boyfriend and I liked to walk through/fool around in. Once he pointed out a large, flat rock and said, "If I had porn, I would hide it under that."

lol

that is like a short story/graphic novel right there

That's is a much better title for OJ Simpson's book, imo.