Would you consider this infidelity?

About a year ago, I was in a relationship that was starting to head downhill, and we both knew it. Eventually, I went out of town for a week, during which we had a horrible and stupid fight. It was concluded by her saying that I shouldn't bother calling her again until I got back home, because we needed to talk. I was fairly certain that this meant that she wanted to end it, and honestly, I didn't really feel that averse to the idea. A few days later, I met up for lunch with an old friend of mine whom I'd always had some chemistry with, and we both wound up talking about our rapidly declining current relationships. By the end of the week, we had hooked up, and I had consciously decided that no matter what, I was finished with my girlfriend back home, and ready to call it quits as soon as I returned. When I arrived back, the first thing we did was go out to dinner, where we both agreed that it was over, and walked away as amicably as possible under the circumstances. I didn't see the point in mentioning what had happened over the trip, since it would only be cruel and wouldn't accomplish anything.

Since that time, I've remained with my friend I reconnected with, and have also tried to remain on good terms with my ex, who is aware that we're together. However, the other day, while chatting with my ex, the topic of our breakup came up, and I let loose that I had met up with my current partner during the trip, which she had not been aware of before. She then asked me point-blank to my face whether or not anything had happened then. As almost a year had past, I'm a horrible liar, and I prefer honesty, I answered that some things had. She was understandably hurt and said that I was the first one to cheat on her.

Here's my question to you guys - would you actually characterize this as anything other than "technical" cheating? I didn't do anything until I had decided to break it off, and upon returning home I did so absolutely as soon as I could see her to break it off. Just to be clear, at no point was I intimate with the ex after hooking up with the friend, nor did I attempt to continue on with the relationship with my ex while pretending nothing had happened. Her point is that as long as we weren't broken up, it was cheating, which is technically true, but I don't think that would make it any better if I had had the "decency" to break up over the phone 15 minutes before hooking up with my friend. My point of view is that if I had no intentions of continuing the old relationship after entering into the new one, and concluded the old one as soon as feasible, then I wasn't cheating. Basically, this comes down to a "letter of the law" vs "spirit of the law" interpretation...just minus any actual legal implications.

Anyway, just wanted to get some other thoughts from unbiased parties. Thoughts?

the spirit of the law is that you were cheating imo

counterpoint -- I hate "spirit of the law" arguments

Letter and spirit, it was cheating. If you're exclusive with someone and haven't ended the relationship/exclusivity, even if you were going to or it was about to happen or w/e, getting frisky with someone else is cheating.

cheating but on the lighter side of it

ps don't talk to exes ffs

Deciding your current relationship is over is, I suspect, what a lot of people do before they have sex with someone else. It's still cheating.

ps don't talk to exes ffs

good advice

I wish I had any of the problems you just described.

Also Darraghmac otm

Fidelity means keeping faith. The fact that you were quite ready, willing and able to end your prior relationship doesn't mean that you were not untrue to your commitment, it only means that you chose infidelity as the means by which to end that commitment and not some other means.

If it is true that you fully intended to break your relationship and end your commitment, then it is reasonable to say that the relationship was all but over. But, it is not reasonable to say that you chose an honorable or unhurtful means to finish it.

if it hurt her feelings all the same does it really matter if it was technically cheating or not? you still felt the need to hide it from her in the first place, so you knew all along that the hookup was at least different than what it would've been if you were properly broken up.

derail: i've always wondered how these breakup dinners go, like do the two people break up and then small talk until the check comes or does one person leave and expect the other one to pick up the check or what. and if you only want to break up, why do it over dinner when there's only one thing to talk about and everything else is either awkward or hostile, and the breakup itself should either end very quickly (ie amicably walking away) or disastrously (starting a screaming match in the middle of a restaurant). why do people stretch out a breakup talk over a whole meal?

or do you just go to chipotle or something

given how things worked out not sure why this is even something to fret over

zach otm

pps it doesn't really matter what ilx thinks about this

what's wrong with staying friends with your ex?

i can't wait to see 750 new answers by the time i get home from work tomorrow.

nothing wrong with staying friends with an ex, i got lots of friends i never see or talk to!

ha

eh what you did was mean in the sense that it's humiliating for your ex to know you immediately hooked up with someone else before you'd even bothered to end it with her. but the reality is that the relationship was over and you both knew it, even if it was unspoken. yes, it would have been better if you had ended it first before hooking up with someone else, but tbh i don't think a break-up ph call to her and then hooking up with the new person that night/next day/later that week would have left your ex feeling any better about the situation.

the thing is, is doesn't really matter what is 'right' or 'technically ok' in this situ, bc it won't make your ex feel better. just accept that what happened was pretty shitty for her and move on.

There's not really any argument to suggest that this is not cheating - it obviously is. You seem concerned, though, that the term 'cheating' automatically brands you as evil. It doesn't - it's not a good thing to do, whether or not you know your relationship is over, but you're not evil or a 'cheater-for-life'. Trying to explain yourself to the person you cheated on is a terrible idea, though, even if it's long over.

ps don't talk to exes ffs

I don't know why people keep saying shit like this when it's obvious that different people have different relationships with our ex-partners, and no rule like this ever works for everyone.

why say anything at all ever

cheating but on the lighter side of it

― deconstructive witticism (darraghmac), Sunday, March 18, 2012 9:09 PM (21 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i've maintained relationships with exes. why not?

or do you just go to chipotle or something

lol!

You cheated but it's not th end of the world

Yea was abt to say the aame thing. Cheating happens. Eh.

^^^

given how things worked out not sure why this is even something to fret over

― buzza, Monday, March 19, 2012 12:16 AM (7 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

given how things worked out not sure why this is even something to fret over

― buzza, Monday, March 19, 2012 12:16 AM (7 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

agreed, but it's still cheating

fretless (first) bass

the thing is, is doesn't really matter what is 'right' or 'technically ok' in this situ, bc it won't make your ex feel better. just accept that what happened was pretty shitty for her and move on.

― just1n3, Monday, March 19, 2012 4:28 AM (8 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Yeah, it sounds like you are looking for something to make yourself feel better, or to make your ex's feelings less valid.

Nothing good could possible come of you and your ex arguing the semantics of whether this was cheating, btw.

seems pretty clearly infidelity to me. you had not formally ended the relationship you were in. there was a reasonable expectation that you would not get squishy with anybody else.

Nothing good could possible come of you and your ex arguing the semantics of whether this was cheating, btw.

Maybe a screenplay?

Nothing good could possible come of you and your ex arguing the semantics of whether this was cheating, btw.

also I was going to otm this and then I thought: well, the good that could come of such a discussion would be if the original poster were to say in the course of that conversation: you're right, that was cheating, I tried to work up some mental gymnastics that'd make it not be cheating but it was, and that was wrong of me & I apologize. which won't do any real good, either, but might feel validated for "the wronged party," as the terminology has it

I think the worst thing about cheating is the intention to deceive; you are guilty of this to a degree because you didn't intend to tell her what happened, however it doesn't compare *whatsoever* to someone who cheats on a partner they have no intention of leaving, and thus enters into deceitful behaviour on a daily basis, for as long as they are having an affair or even covering up a one night stand.

Still, everyone otm that you have to accept how hurtful this is to your ex, that it was a pretty rotten thing to do whether it was cheating or not, and not get defensive about it unless you want to make matters worse w/ her.

ts, as the wronged party here- being validated/apologised to or never hearing about it ps answer is the latter

Just curious, and this is all hypothetical, of course, but what if you would have returned home (after cheating) and the "talk" with your ex was surprisingly really productive and reversed things? Like, she admitted that she needed to change some things, told you how she was planning to do it, asked for your patience, told you she loved you, and asked for you to maybe change a few things as well?

But darragh, the wronger can never be certain of controlling what the wrongee gets to hear about.

xpost

this entire situation reminds me how tiresome i find wilful relationship ~drama~. what does it matter whether you can put it in the box marked "cheating" vs the one marked "non-cheating"?

to you i would say "stop trying to make yourself feel better or justify yourself retrospectively through pedantry and semantics"
to your ex-gf i would say "this relationship is OVER, why on earth do you care"

In a shocking turn of events, lex is a hard man.

Damn autocorrect decapitalized hardman and put in a space, further ruining an already badly formed joke.

so many relationship crises are really simple to resolve, it's just one or both of the parties doesn't want to face up to how they actually feel or what their actual issues are, and/or want to cause a scene

probably 75% can be solved with either

a) well DUMP HIM then
b) well TALK TO HIM then

*cryyyy* but i ~love him~ / but ~what will he think

DUMP HIM OR TALK TO HIM, AARGH

The ex was the one that got dumped, even if it was a horrible breakup they may not necessarily be over it. It's perfectly reasonable for them to want to know whether the original poster fucked someone else before breaking up with them, it's not wilful drama.

no no wait lex has more advice to share

my advice to you, iatee, is stfu and get out my face

hey lex tell us how hot girls only date asshole next

lex would make a great tv relationship counselor cause he 'tells it like it is' and 'doesn't hold back'

Dudes, chill.

ime most hot girls date perfectly nice boys, mostly because i try to avoid friendships with people prone to wilful relationship drama

and laughs

people with willful relationship drama have the funniest stories though

like this one couple I know had a bunch of issues because she's Filipino and he's Haitian, so therefore he thought her parents would disapprove of their relationship, so she never told them about it even though they were living together

this culminated in a visit by her parents where they decided to leave their hotel early and come by the apartment before he had the chance to leave, at which point she panicked and pushed her boyfriend into a closet saying "I'll get them out of the house in 10 minutes tops", only her folks said "oof I'm tired, let's make some tea and relax for a while" and ended up watching TV for several hours with poor dude hanging out in the closet

these two are now married and have kids

i'd say that's perfectly understandable relationship drama!

i'm pretty sure all of that also happened on saved by the bell

xpost: lol that is fantastic DJP

As much as I enjoy listening to tales from the front and am flattered when asked for advice, I'm beginning to think, "No, don't ask me for advice; it's useless, you know the answer already" and enjoy the free round that comes from being asked by my bro to hang out.

xpost oh man!

Alfred otm: wilful relationhip drama rarely gets solved, just vented.

argh small but important typo:

so therefore she thought her parents would disapprove of their relationship

this culminated in a visit by her parents where they decided to leave their hotel early and come by the apartment before he had the chance to leave, at which point she panicked and pushed her boyfriend into a closet saying "I'll get them out of the house in 10 minutes tops", only her folks said "oof I'm tired, let's make some tea and relax for a while" and ended up watching TV for several hours with poor dude hanging out in the closet

these two are now married and have kids

― thuggish ruggish Brahms (DJP), Monday, March 19, 2012 9:42 AM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

is he still in the closet? do the kids know he's there?

the best thing was that they had a huge fight about the whole thing SEVERAL YEARS LATER where he basically said "tell your parents about me or it's over" so she finally did, and her parents were all "You're dating your friend who wants to be a dentist? WONDERFUL!!!!!" So basically she was imagining or grossly exaggerating her parents' disapproval

xp: lol

Cheating? Probably.
Shitty thing to do? Yes.
Would I have done the same? Wouldn't rule it out.

djp have you ever spoken to r. kelly y/n?

the best thing was that they had a huge fight about the whole thing SEVERAL YEARS LATER where he basically said "tell your parents about me or it's over" so she finally did, and her parents were all "You're dating your friend who wants to be a dentist? WONDERFUL!!!!!" So basically she was imagining or grossly exaggerating her parents' disapproval

gotta say if i was the haitian dental student this would make me feel a lil weird

gotta say if i was the haitian dental student this would make me feel a lil weird

I know, right????

robyn otm: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6ImxY6hnfA

lol monogamists, part 643678

gaaak -- instead regret on that post

I recommend not fretting, as said above. proceed with caution.

made me laugh.

my take on the q:

It couls be construed as "Relationship on last legs, see if I can hook up before officially ending it, just to be sure I have continuity"

She's upset because presumably she did not have someone to immediately take up with , and had that 'end-of-relationship-mourning' period. And now she's found out that you immediately hopped on a new bus.

Insight into the male animal: my instinctive wish in reading your account was that you were a better liar.

"Honesty is a vanity, you felt bad lying, now she feels even worse while you feel better about yourself"

That's entirely out of context with regard to the current question, but.

"The one thing worse than being a bad liar is being an inappropriate thruther"

I know you guys hate on lex & get lols from it but from a healthy-people-in-relationships standpoint he's pretty otm - if people are honest with themselves/one another about what they want from a relationship, whether their hearts are still in it, etc, that's (kind of obviously? to anybody? at all?) the best scenario

Of course I agree with lex, and strive to be that person in a relationship who cuts through the bullshit; but we often fall in love with people who think otherwise.

Just checked on Lex's statement.

The "To You", yep.

"To her", um, ref: what I said, above.

buzza, lex, darraghmac, Morbius otm

-stomps off-

i think you were OTM about the jealousy angle

djp have you ever spoken to r. kelly y/n?

this made me reread all of my posts on the "Trapped in the Closet" thread and lol

I know you guys hate on lex & get lols from it but from a healthy-people-in-relationships standpoint he's pretty otm

I disagree strenuously re: "don't befriend people with willful relationship drama" but that is mostly because of my deep-rooted addiction to schadenfreude

I don't know how you avoid relationship psychodrama. Stuff just happens sometimes.

It's really best to go no further than kissing.

otm dr. soto. any two reasonable, communicative, drama-free people spending lots of time together HAVE ISSUES and develop little grudges and petty grievences but sometimes there's unavoidable butthurt.

What kind of Catholic are you?

xpost

I'm guessing he's a Charismatic.

Daviesian

cheating is such a weird word, bc it's what you do when you circumvent the agreed upon rules of the game. like, if you sneak money from the monopoly bank, then you're cheating. when you sleep with someone else when you've pledged fidelity to your partner, though, the biggest problem isn't that you broke the game rules. the problem is that you've hurt the person and betrayed their trust, and undermined some of the integrity of the relationship. for op, i'd say maybe you technically cheated in the sense that you broke the rules of the 'going steady' game, but at least in this example it seems like a lot of the other baggage isn't present. you're certainly not like, an adulterer.

like, to sit in judgement over whether someone cheated or not, as if it matters whether that switch is technically toggled or not is to totally miss the point.

even if it was a horrible breakup they may not necessarily be over it.

When someone earlier was like "There's nothing wrong w being friends w exes", this is the #1 problem with that. Throw in talking about the breakup (???) and you have a recipe for disaster. But yeah it's fine being friends if both parties are 10000% sure it is over and there are no leftover feelings.

Here's where Lex's statement comes in. Why does she care if it's over?

Yeah, I don't really get that. I wouldn't want to know, it's in the past.

Because they're ostensibly maintaining a friendship and she wants to know if this guy can be trusted or not?

Because.

(xpost)

obviously he can't be trusted to not sleep with someone he has chemistry with when he feels that his previous relationship is all but over. i don't think that should preclude her from trusting him in other matters?

Yeah, I don't really get that. I wouldn't want to know, it's in the past.

ime, this is not the norm. almost all of my exes have wantde to go over the past, to get some sort of "closure" on the relationship. and I've definitely been guilty of this myself, but I learned that its wiser to just not go there.

Okay then, because they're ostensibly maintaining a friendship and she wants to know the extent to which this guy dicked her over because it impacts upon the friendship as well?

mark g otm. the answer is "because". because people have feelings, and they're often complicated and conflicted. she cares because she cares, and that's good enough. if PN really wants to maintain the friendship, then he has to take her feelings seriously, even if he feels that he didn't do anything wrong.

taking her feelings seriously means lying about it imo

You want to be friends with an ex, here's what you get imo.

i'm the guy who said "what's the problem with being friends with your ex?" earlier and i have actually had the cheating conversation too. granted, i'm not super-friends with that one; we're on good terms but i don't exactly hold her in the highest regards.

i don't think it sounds like either of them should be friends with the other in this case.

people should work on not being beholden to their emotions imo.

I think the reason why it that matters to her is more the milestone, ie the 'first person to cheat on her'. Which I dunno, maybe lets her file the relationship away in a different box? idk. But if she sees herself a certain way, then the realization that he 'cheated' on her, maybe is now causing her to want to reassess the relationship, herself, or him...who knows.

Everyone has a personal narrative they've created about a past relationship, and it's usually a story that you revise and rewrite so that you are comfortable with it. So when you find out additional truths after the fact, there can be a little bit of an adjustment period while that person, in this case the girlfriend, rewrites the story.

I don't think there's anything particularly bad about her needing to do that. Whether or not it was 'actually' cheating, if that's how she sees it then you kind of have to let her absorb that and hopefully, if you're friends now, help her to move on.

blah blah whatever just pulling stuff out of my ass now

people should work on not being beholden to their emotions imo.

yeah, but people should work on a lot of shit. until we fix the human race, we have to deal as best we can with the friends we've got. including their unfortunate attachment to their own feelings.

taking her feelings seriously means lying about it imo

lol, maybe, but that ship seems to have sailed.

people should work on not being beholden to their emotions imo

god all you HUMANS and your stupid FEELINGS

Mordy's post about the word "cheating" is interesting, and i wonder if anyone has ever written about how the legalisms of modern romantic relationships are at the core of so many personal dramas/emotions. it seems surprising when you step back from it how much of the day to day emotional life of people (young people at least) is caught up in this stuff.

friends vs. close friends vs. acquaintances

maybe she cares about it because she feels like he "won" the breakup by getting into another relationship so soon after (ie being okay, not having to sit around feeling lonely and unlovable), by basically having this new one lined up? and sleeping with the future girlfriend before the old relationship was properly over is, like, not just having won. but having won by cheating.

last time i told a friend not to be beholden to her emotions i literally wagged my finger at her. it was about a guy she'd begun dating but he kept dicking her around w/r/t "exclusivity" (ie, was still seeing his ex behind her back and maybe others). my friend was all like "but i really think i love him" and "we have such a good connection" and "i have such strong feelings about him" but i had to go, HE IS DICKING YOU AROUND, in your own words he's being a twat to you, your feelings are not doing you any good so SUPPRESS THAT SHIT AND GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET HURT.

taking her feelings seriously means lying about it imo

― TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Monday, March 19, 2012 11:13 AM (23 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i dunno if i agree with this. as he says he's a shitty liar, so if that 'skill' isn't there, what can you do

i think the best thing to do in this situation is just own up to it and don't be defensive at all. you cheated! technically and in spirit. knowing nothing about either of you, i think if you just said 'yes i cheated on you' instead of excuses it would be best. even explaining what you were feeling at the time is too close to excuse-making probably.

trying to win a breakup, or figure out who won a breakup, must be some kind of coping mechanism bc it's pretty bizarre

otm

Yeah "yes, I cheated, it was wrong, but even if I hadn't we would still have split up" is probably the way to go here.

saying 'oh jeez look at the time great to catch up with you we'll facebook ya?' would be better,

this really feels like a semantics argument, so I'm expecting another 600 posts out of you guys

lex - did your friend end up ditching the guy after your tough love speech?

Yes and she is now in a very good place in her life :)

Yes, and became an R&B critic.

xp - good! It just seems like an eternal question - when is it appropriate to tell people things they don't want to hear?

Lex: I bet it was the finger-wagging that did it

When they've spent the whole meal to that point talking about this guy

Xp I hope so. Finger-wagging over vietnamese noodles

so it was borne of STFU AND LET ME ENJOY MY DAMN DINNER :)

Pretty much!

The issue with human relationships is you have to have some level of cognizance of your own feelings, those of another individual, and balance that with the objective reality of the situation. So, I have no idea wtf counts as an "infidelity" in the original poster's question but:
- it was an infidelity to the ex
- her reconciliation of the breakup/mental recovery was contingent on her understanding of what happened

I could see being taken aback if you find out your understanding, and emotional recovery, was based on false premises. Logically, yeah, it doesn't matter. But there are lots of people who I could logically confide in, be friends with, etc. but a certain level of emotional engagement is why your friends are your friends! Well, unless it's just because you're coworkers or whatever.

Emotions shouldn't rule over all, but you can't throw them out the window, only logically address them and work to reconcile your feelings with your path.

Didn't this happen on Friends?

I would say no, this was not cheating. However, maybe the two of you had some understood rules and agreed that something like this would be cheating in which case then I guess you cheated. Some people feel looking at porn and masturbation is cheating. Um, no... but I think infidelity is defined by each couple.

Had this happened to me, I would have been who cares, it is a whole year later. It would have also made me feel better about the decision to break-up, had I felt it was cheating to begin with and were into befriending exes.

from dan savage today:

I am a 21-year-old gay male. For the past six months, I have been having an affair with a man in his mid-40s. After our first hookup, he told me he was married and had three children. I was shocked at this. However, we continued to meet up for sex. I have come to the conclusion that I am fine with this man keeping me a secret. I have fallen for him and he has fallen for me, but I have no desire to break up his family. His wife was his high-school sweetheart, and he says she is his best friend. He also tells me that if I were to quit our sexcapades, which happen to be the best sex I have ever had, he would find another man, or other men, because he is attracted to men. We hook up every week in discreet locations where he would never get caught. I don’t plan on telling anyone. I am torn, because we both acknowledge that, if the situation were different, we would make excellent life partners. I am deeply in love with this guy and want more out of our relationship, however I do respect him and would never out him. I just want to know if I should continue our relationship.
His Secret Love

No.

Sounds like a healthy, monogamous heterosexual marriage to me that this young man is just trying not to ruin.

last time i told a friend not to be beholden to her emotions i literally wagged my finger at her. it was about a guy she'd begun dating but he kept dicking her around w/r/t "exclusivity" (ie, was still seeing his ex behind her back and maybe others). my friend was all like "but i really think i love him" and "we have such a good connection" and "i have such strong feelings about him" but i had to go, HE IS DICKING YOU AROUND, in your own words he's being a twat to you, your feelings are not doing you any good so SUPPRESS THAT SHIT AND GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET HURT.

I am not joking about this, lex should be a life coach.

In theory that's great advice but not everyone cause just "suppress that shit" at will.

lex comes by your home and screams at you every day to remind you

It would be better than Dr. Phil.

x-post - lol, that might just work

this is how I got my brother to stop smoking, I just smacked the cigarette out of his mouth and told him FUCKING STOP THAT SHIT, ITS BAD FOR YOU and just like that, cravings gone

In theory that's great advice but not everyone cause just "suppress that shit" at will.

well no one can do it just by clicking their fingers as if getting rid of your emotions can happen by magic but that's kind of the point, you have to work at it! it's hard but if your emotions are putting you in a bad place it's worth it. think of it like getting fit! you can get fit at will and a lot of the time exercising sucks and feels like an uphill struggle and flat-out hurts, but if you persist it totally works.

OBV this doesn't apply to depression or stress as a medical condition but personally it was a bit of a lightbulb moment when i realised that things like happiness and contentment didn't happen *just like that*, one had to work at/towards them.

ugh my typo is bugging me there - I obv meant to write "can" not "cause"

x-post - You are absolutely right and it's something I've been realizing more and more myself lately. I just liked the idea/image of you being like "Girl, you have to suppress that shit!". Yes, that is all possibly and sometimes necessary but I think that for some it's harder than others and can be an extremely difficult and long process.

"don't do that" is sometimes the most difficult thing to do! not that I've ever decided that I'm not going to have any whiskey this week and then found myself at the grocery store ten minutes later

on the rare times when someone comes to me for advice, i've found it really clarifies things to just ask people what they want, what they would want to have happen ideally in a given situation. it's usually something they don't have any control over and is really unlikely to happen, given the evidence. or it turns out that wanted thing is for someone else to want something they clearly don't. so it's like, you can continue doing x but really you won't get to y and you know it, more likely z (where z = shit)

"suppress that shit" is sort of the short version i guess

this is how I got my brother to stop smoking, I just smacked the cigarette out of his mouth and told him FUCKING STOP THAT SHIT, ITS BAD FOR YOU and just like that, cravings gone

― frogbs, Wednesday, 21 March 2012 14:40 (9 minutes ago) Bookmark

I would probably kill anyone who did this, member of family or no

"how did I get here? why am I in the whiskey aisle? this is all so confusing!"

sometimes you have to hit absolute rock bottom with a relationship before the logic of "don't do that" kicks in. sometimes people have a rock bottom that is so low that it might be below the "whoops I'm married and have a kid" level

No one can suppress their emotions, but everyone has the power to stop getting treated like a doormat. You are either running away from bad shit or running into it. Finger wagging is a good thing in this situation.

A lot of people think that thought replacement is better/easier than trying to deny impulsive thinking.

I guess this means next time you want to buy whiskey, tell yourself you are buying a flask of piss instead.

'supress your emotions' is plain bad advice imho. i don't mean you can't work on them and try to get over them, but in my experience that involves NOT resisting them, just feeling your emotions deeply, trying to figure out where they're coming from (hint: they're coming from INSIDE YOU and your past and your history and issues and personal brand of crazy), question them, investigate them, look at them for the messy crazy bullshit they are, and eventually (hopefully) letting them go.

for the sake of your dining partner, you might even consider doing all this processing in private. or in a journal. anything to avoid a finger-wag.

if you stuff them down without even looking at them they usually end up rancid and bitter and unresolved, imho.

It depends what kind of emotions! It's like the recent studies on PTSD -- people do not necessarily get over emotional responses to things by talking about them, but by moving past.

i'm british btw

I just liked the idea/image of you being like "Girl, you have to suppress that shit!".

sometimes people view this stuff as being a downer, or as not being understanding in some way

its better to view it as empowering - people nearly always have the power they just need to realize it

british people somewhat otm

I think I would say "drop" more than suppress, really. Suppress in an emotional context tends to refer to feelings that you've buried but may still be under the surface. Snuff those thoughts out like a lit match/.

mh, i think that coping with severe trauma is p different than the sort of emotions we're talking about itt, but i understand what you're saying.

also sort of an all american thing: "Get out of here and move forward. This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened."

shouldn't necessarily suppress a feeling but no need to get married to it either

i'm not really talking about severe trauma elmo, more...the kind of self-pitying or over-analysing relationship type stuff this thread has been centred on that it's all too easy to wallow in

lex might be like the bobby knight of life coaches. this works well for some ppl, less so for others.

Sometimes it's better just to let people make mistakes and have the emotional crash, purge the bad stuff from the system, rather than walking away and risk slipping back in the future.

on the rare times when someone comes to me for advice, i've found it really clarifies things to just ask people what they want, what they would want to have happen ideally in a given situation.

^^^ my approach the last two years once I decided to stop giving romantic counsel that (a) he or she will politely ignore (b) exhausts me. Let your friend do the talking; that's all he or she wants, really – a sympathetic ear.

There's something true to the idea that the trouble you do have will expand to be the trouble you can handle. If you don't have much occupying your emotions/time and are prone to using your emotions as a sink for your energy... then emotions about others is a big target for it.

Results may vary, though. I am prone to weird anxiety and will overthink and dwell on relationships or anything else. I'm better now, but in the absence of anything to worry about I used to suddenly think about an argument from five years ago, or a car accident I was in, or some other random thing and worry about how I didn't resolve things correctly.

al and goole and matt dc otm. no one ever really wants advice they just want you to justify the choices theyve already decided to make.

i make a fierce old man face and tell ppl not to bother me 'less it's important, and i never get asked anymore a+ advice imo

al and goole and matt dc otm. no one ever really wants advice they just want you to justify the choices theyve already decided to make.

― max, Wednesday, March 21, 2012 10:44 AM (5 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

p much

friends suck

also sometimes when you ask people for advice they start giving you advice that sounds suspiciously like advice ~they~ ought to be taking/would like to hear and follow-through on

so very true, I think I told people "ditch the horrible crazy abusive lady" for a couple years

I am a 21-year-old gay male. For the past six months, I have been having an affair with a man in his mid-40s. After our first hookup, he told me he was married and had three children. etc etc

this stuff makes me bothered & judgemental about ppl in general but specifically the gay culture that excuses this brand of infidelity

i know ilx covered the topic some time ago but just to restate my position: ugh just ugh wtf is wrong w/ ppl

Giving society its cake and trying to eat yours too

could not possibly care less about the fidelity of some (perhaps imaginary) married man in his mid-40s that someone wrote to dan savage about. i just hope that they're all happy, whoever they are, and that things work out okay for everyone. sounds dicey.

what if they lied about the ages and it's your dad

makes you think

oh, it was my dad, believe me

I can think of a couple people I've met who have been casual about cheating or about hooking up with someone who is in a relationship, but have gotten really cranky and sadface when they have been cheated on. You'd think that would inform their perspective.

They just think the moral failing is on the part of the cheater, obviously. Which they perceive they were not.

Play on, players.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTAlfag61kc

this is how I got my brother to stop smoking, I just smacked the cigarette out of his mouth and told him FUCKING STOP THAT SHIT, ITS BAD FOR YOU and just like that, cravings gone

If u did this to me I'd put the cigarette out in the middle of yr forehead.

seriously

yep

I think he may have been...joking.

so angry right now...need a cigarette

/this is how I got my brother to stop smoking, I just smacked the cigarette out of his mouth and told him FUCKING STOP THAT SHIT, ITS BAD FOR YOU and just like that, cravings gone/

If u did this to me I'd put the cigarette out in the middle of yr forehead.

I'ma look vaguely Hindu after I meet Trayce.

if u stand up she won't be able to reach your forehead

HEY NOW.

Also, I am going to assume mh is just being caringly concerned for my health, and not a prat :P

trayce, smoking is gross. knock it off.

i am very concerned about the effect your grossness is having on your health. knock it off.

seriously.
knock it off.

love, thermo thinwall.

I like how this thread hearkens back to pre-registration days when an anonymous somebody could start a thread, it would take off, and the OP would never be seen again.

Dear Thermo: STFU <3

an anonymous somebody

only u would know

You cheated but it's not th end of the world

Exactly. I don't think cheating should be a relationship breaker anyway. I haven't experienced it in my marriage (I hope so anyway!). But I have always said (and I hope I stick with this): it shouldn't necessarily end it. Of course it depends on the extra-marital relationship (one night stand,...).

People make mistakes.

ugh just ugh wtf is wrong w/ ppl

This should probably be the new board description as it describes like 75% of the threads contained within

self-loathing human

hey guys, i wanted to share some wisdom from kim kardashian with u all. this is from an interview she did with internet mogul JR Ridinger in 2010:

What are the biggest issues facing your generation today?

There are so many different issues my generation is facing. This certainly is not a huge issue but being the hopeless romantic that I am, I find that old fashion love is hard to come by now in days. Too much communication... no more sweet letters and cards, it's all e-mails and texting, so impersonal. I do know that life was definitely more simple even when I was growing up. No cell phones, myspace, facebook. Seems like monogamy is an issue.