slaves, tell me about 50 Shades of Grey

As far as I understand it, it's a BDSM Twilight fan-fic that got purchased by Stephanie Meyer's publisher, dickered w/ to remove copyright infringements and stand slightly more alone, and became an extra-big bestseller.

how did it get so popular? many of the folks I work with are reading it any talking about weiner-slavery in the lunch room and how to use ben wa balls, and how they're into submission. a: that is a weird thing to bring up over lean cuisine and b: who is this targeted to and c: does it have a celebrity endorsement or marketing push i don't understand and d: i've heard it compared to both steig larsson and stephanie meyers and that makes me certain i will Not Go There

my mother in law was really excited to read this until I said, "I hope you enjoy vampire porn"; now she is not so excited

I leafed through a copy of it last night at the bookstore, and it looked pretty dull until I came to a list of SUPPLIES and RULES that included some variation of "nitrile gloves and "no defectation" and thought nope, not for me, not for little remy bean

from wiki:

The plot traces the relationship between recent college graduate Anastasia Steele and manipulative billionaire Christian Grey. Steele is required by Grey to sign a contract allowing him complete control over her life. As she gets to know him, she learns that his sexual tastes involve bondage, domination and sadism, and that childhood abuse left him a deeply damaged individual. In order to be his partner she agrees to experiment with BDSM, but struggles to reconcile who she is (a virgin who has never previously had a boyfriend) with whom Christian wants her to be: his submissive, to-do-with-as-he-pleases partner in his "Red Room of Pain."

lmao at 'weiner-slavery'

As far as I understand it, it's a BDSM Twilight fan-fic that got purchased by Stephanie Meyer's publisher, dickered w/ to remove copyright infringements and stand slightly more alone, and became an extra-big bestseller.

Exactly. It's really weird to me that this author isn't in any sort of legal trouble for borrowing so heavily from another work. I know a few public librarians, and they've all been shocked and disgusted at the popularity of this book because it's poorly written (apparently there's a lot of typos?) and basically fanfic.

Remy, I'm a little shocked that your co-workers are talking about this stuff at lunch!

So it's like The Story of O for deeply stupid people?

the hollywood pitch wd probably be Story of O crossed with Atlas Shrugged

The Story of O, The Oprah Magazine

Stedman, we hardly knew ye.

the most offensive line in the whole wiki is the phrase childhood abuse left him a deeply damaged individual

white, male, straight, & economic privilege left him a deeply damaged individual

I flipped to one scene in an airport bookstore out of idle curiosity and iirc it was a graphic description of him forcibly putting his wang into her pooper*

*ftr that may not have been what it actually was but now that I've typed that, I'm not deleting it

He put the wang in the pooper and drank it all up.

(sorry)

no you aren't!

http://static.rateyourmusic.com/album_images/fff0e18e796786245cb133b316809c7a/592373.jpg

This tumblr is funny, it has some choice quotes from the books.

Remy, I'm a little shocked that your co-workers are talking about this stuff at lunch!

Yeah, dude! Don't y'all have an HR department or somethin'?

The most egregious thing about this book's existence is that you know a slew of hack "writers" are gonna try to piggyback on the same idea (either via a million new S&M books or via writing barely-veiled fanfic of popular books and figuring out a way to successfully self-promote), a la the glut of post-Sense And Sensibility And Zombies trash.

meanwhile Jacqueline Carey is sitting at home going, "seriously, fuck all of you"

i wonder who she's sitting on these days?

Don Cheeseley and Brionie Grainchurch are gonna get it seventy ways from Sunday in Larry Cotter and the Chamber of Inserts.

double lol

I read this great thing from Erica Jong about it:
here is the link

“Argh,” she says, losing her virginity. This from a virginal contemporary college student, whose hymen is penetrated? The penetrator is one of the “Masters of the Universe” and he dresses in grey. And is named Christopher Grey, has gray eyes, wears gray ties, gray suits and speaks in clichés from badly-written romance novels (which are actually improving).

maybe she's a pirate?

“Argh,” she says, losing her virginity.

this is hilarious

I am interested in ebb and flow of the nation's interest in lite porny novels, though. It really seems to erupt at the strangest times.

Fear of Flying was a long time ago (that was definitely not a romance novel)

I love that she says "argh" like she's Cathy.

"Ack!" she says, losing her virginity as she crams chocolates into her mouth.

dying here

That's the kind of sound you make when you lose your keys down a storm drain, maybe, but not your virginity.

bleurgh!

Man, that would be some serious perversion, making your little virginal slave say, "Ack", when you're devirginizing her.

ACK! My hymen!

"Kloont!" she said, losing her virginity.

-- Don Martin's 50 Shades of Grey

what is the approved onomatopoeia utterance for losing one's virginity?

"Oomf?" "Guh?" "Owwie owwie owwie?" "Fuck you, you actual fucking clown." < blink > "POP!" < / blink>

Heavens! My virginity ;-)

Dr. Seuss's The 500 Shades of Bartholomew Greyins

Anyway, Erica Jong was mostly pissed about the gravy train/Hollywood adaptation aspect of the brouhaha around this book.

And its failure to be a proper "book of one hand"

A very cynical part of me says this is a calculated 'make' book in the way of Twilight, Julie and Julia, that David Benioff book about Soviet cannibals, the Dragon Tattoo, Hunger Games, Wimpy Kid, etc.

... this a book for pooping? or does that phrase mean something else?

Think again.

http://www.newyorksocialdiary.com/i/partypictures/05_16_12/erica/fiftyshades.jpg

Everybody Arghs

'make' = deliberately manufactured as a hit i.e. printed in huge runs on cheap paper and distributed in major lots w/ blitz/word-of-mouth advertising/in spite of reviews/tons. best comparison is, like, a blockbuster movie's PR campagin.

airport books?

Isn't there already enough anal probing going on with airport security?

TSA workers wear harlequin masks and grey contacts, it's a whole new experience

Wait - it's not even a one handed read? That was the only reason I thought for a nanosecond about reading it. Dammit.

http://perezhilton.com/2012-05-22-50-shades-of-grey-read-by-gilbert-gottfried

i have doubts this will be made into a movie, idk, i think maybe hollywood can handle some light B&D, but maybe not S&M (or poopers & wangs)

“I finished the series three weeks ago. I miss Christian Grey. I miss him so much,” said attendee Mabel, who donned a silver tie, a nod to the front cover of “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

E.L. James’s New York City book tour stop for her hot bestseller, “Fifty Shades of Grey” felt more like a Justin Bieber concert for an older group of women than a book signing. But when you keep in mind the author’s claim that the novel “brings women together,” the energetic atmosphere is to be expected.

The British author tried to explain the mass appeal of her series, which follows the multifaceted relationship between a recent college graduate named Anastasia Steele and a wealthy CEO with a flair for kinky sex, Christian Grey, to sexologist Dr. Logan Levkoff in front of a packed, hooting and hollering audience of about 200 at Barnes and Noble Union Square on Thursday evening.

“I don’t get [the books' popularity] at all,” said James. “I wrote this little love story…But it brings women together. I think that’s it.”

http://www.thejanedough.com/el-james-fifty-shades-of-grey/

James has said before that she wrote her books during her morning commute to work on the train, which begs the question: How can someone pen intense sexual experiences on public transit, which is just about the unsexiest place imaginable? James laughed at the question posed by Dr. Levkoff and said she got carried away in her own world of writing by listening to music.

“[I would sometimes] get lost in writing and miss my stop,” she said, adding she had a “Let’s Write Some Sex” playlist she’d turn on.

Though “Fifty Shades of Grey” has some very dirty sex scenes, James assured the crowd she’s a “dull and boring” person who’s looking forward to “four weeks of sleep” and time to redo her kitchen after the tour.

e. l. james, what's on YOUR ipod??

You guys I don't think we published this, this is not my fault, put down those baseball bats, please.

OK. So this isn't about the Monkees's song *backs out quietly*

can we start a "Donald Glover as Christian Grey" tumblr

airport books?

― game of crones (La Lechera), Tuesday, May 22, 2012 7:40 AM (2 minutes ago)

airport books exactly, but 'made' books tend not to be serialized or from established authors. IOW it's a way for publishers to maximise profits: take a small book by a no-name (or INTERNET FAMOUS) author writing an acknowledged genre w/ niche (and usually female, preferably young and uncritical) fanbase and print copies on the cheapo and bind w/ glue, flood book blogs/internet retailers/bookstores with promotional materials, get people talking about the book and then dump 100 copies in every b&m store at a v. reduced price. profit.

Wait - it's not even a one handed read? That was the only reason I thought for a nanosecond about reading it. Dammit.

― wolf kabob (ENBB), Tuesday, May 22, 2012 9:45 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark

Erica Jong says no. I haven't read it myself.

the scene I read was practically no-handed

'Let's Write Some Sex' is somehow the saddest phrase I've read all morning.

practically no-handed

Quite ambiguous...

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/hb00ZP8AJbg/0.jpg

;_; at this lady
I miss Christian Grey. I miss him so much,” said attendee Mabel, who donned a silver tie

the worst thing about that is that is the name of one of my wife's grandmothers

the worst thing is that she is wearing a silver tie

I miss Christian Grey. I miss him so much,” said attendee Mabel, who donned a silver tie AND NOTHING ELSE

completely misread "one of my wife's" as "one of my wives"

Her words are reminding me of the lyrics to Call Me Maybe, this was a mashup I never asked for.

completely misread "one of my wife's" as "one of my wives"

signed, Black Mitt Romney

can we start a "Donald Glover as Christian Grey" tumblr

Should be good for a boatload of (un)surprising racism lols!

imho as far as commercially successful erotic BDSM novels go, this sounds awful and boring. at least the sleeping beauty trilogy had a cat licking butter off the main character's nipples.

I agree that this sounds tasteless and boring. I'm more interested in the fact that people are so starved for material that they will apparently gobble this up ^^ in this fashion.

it seems an inefficient way to distribute butter, even given the serving vessel

courtesy of facebook, where else
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/p480x480/561383_10150795670397373_527187372_10067494_2105284245_n.jpg

Does "not a one-handed read" refer to the literal size of the book or to something about its insufficiently porn-y prose?

the sleeping beauty trilogy had a cat licking butter off the main character's nipples.

Trust me, that WILL wake you up.

It's not material, nec, it's "approved" material. Transgression without having to consider whether this makes you any different as a person than you already saw yourself as. The imprimatur of the book-that-shall-not-be-named's success gives this legitimacy above other BDSM books, which you would have to go to a different section of the bookstore to get, etc.

how likely is it that I could get published a novella titled "And Then He Spanked Me"?

e. l. james, what's on YOUR ipod??

― judas, a homo (elmo argonaut), Tuesday, 22 May 2012 15:50 (17 minutes ago) Bookmark

http://www.eljamesauthor.com/music/fifty-shades-of-grey-soundtrack

DJ Potter's "And Then He Spanked Me" is so sizzling hot that it will be topping the charts all summer...
Get it in ebook today!

Lakmé (Act I): Flower Duet Alain Lombard, Mady Mesple, Danielle Millet & Orchestre du Théâtre National de l'Opéra-Comique

okay guys, maybe we've been too harsh

Sex On Fire Kings of Leon

never mind, light up the torches and grab the pitchforks

that playlist has subzero imagination

Snow patrol, good lord.

I'm already working my own BDSM novel, "90 Grades of Shea" about a mysterious and domineering adjunct professor named Christopher Shea. How far will she go to remove that incomplete?

Spem in alium Harry Christophers & The Sixteen

man it's sad how much I'm willing to forgive her for her horrible books just by virtue of putting this out there

I thought it said sperm first

it's a seriously amazing piece of music; 40-part a capella organized into 8 5-part choruses with all kinds of crazy Renaissance counterpoint

I've been lucky enough to do it twice

As far as I understand it, it's a BDSM Twilight fan-fic that got purchased by Stephanie Meyer's publisher, dickered w/ to remove copyright infringements and stand slightly more alone, and became an extra-big bestseller.

― remy bean, Tuesday, May 22, 2012 7:48 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

wait wait is this actually true?? that is super fucked up

fanfic/slash fic writers really are the most disgusting savages

It's true, although apparently the connection to Twighlight was pretty tenuous anyway and it didn't take that much to rid it of any similarity.

shit, it is true

The Fifty Shades trilogy was developed from a Twilight fanfiction originally titled Master of the Universe and published episodically on fanfiction websites under the penname "Snowqueen's Icedragon." The piece featured characters named after Stephenie Meyer's characters in Twilight, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. After comments concerning the sexual nature of the material, James removed the story from the fanfiction websites and published it on her own website, FiftyShades.com. Later she rewrote Master of the Universe as an original piece with the principal characters renamed Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele and removed it from her website prior to publication.[1]

Can't wait to see how they're gonna turn this into a PG-13 movie

if anything it's sort of charming how quaint this phenomenon is. ime any kind of kinky sex media, from sade to porn, is not exactly hard to find. it's like the book doesn't really matter, somebody just found the last audience on earth who hadn't even heard of this kind of thing before

xp "Snowqueen's Icedragon" haha oh god

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Cn7ZW8ts3Y

let's stop talking about these books and talk about this instead

ime any kind of kinky sex media, from sade to porn

lol guess how I misread this

This book is ridiculously popular in the airport bookshop where I work. So much so that head office decided porn must sell well so ordered in a whole raft of titles most of which have 'punish' or 'slave' or 'mistress' somewhere in the title. Thing is '50 shades of grey' has a pretty nondescript front cover which people don't seem to mind picking up and bringing to the counter whereas the books they've ordered in have women in bondage gear looking either v distressed or resigned to their fate on the front cover. Not really likely to sell. Oh well.

A truley exquisite piece of music which I would never had come across had it not been for the book, dare I mention it's name. I agree that it's better to stumble into the sublime masterpiece rather than a 2 a penny pop tunes.My Christian is Max Brown aka Edward Seymour in The Tudors also patron of Thomas Tallis.

Janie Moore 20 hours ago

Can't wait to see how they're gonna turn this into a PG-13 movie

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/6/67/Exit_to_eden_poster.jpg/220px-Exit_to_eden_poster.jpg

The best thing about Spem in alium is seeing a live performance of it; the piece as written starts out in choir 1 and travels down through choir 8, has a big climax with everyone singing, then restarts in 8 and travels back up through 1. You have this sense of the piece actually leaping from group to group, traveling all around the stage/hall (usually there are groups scattered all around to create this stereophonic effect) like a stately dance.

also, you're being assfucked

I will never be able to figure that movie out. What was the thought process involved to turn that book into a comedy starring Ackroyd and O'Donnell, aka the two people you never want to think about having kinky bondage sex? xxp

also, you're being assfucked

by 40 distinct voices!

50 or no deal

A little weird putting a followup post from the Excelsior thread back on a source thread but:

--

There must be...fifty shades to lose your virginity.

― Doctor Casino, Tuesday, May 22, 2012 8:16 AM (15 minutes ago)

Just let out an "Ack!", Jack
Utter an "Oy!", Roy
Blurt out a "Yikes!", Mike
Then forcibly put your wang in her pooper

― Quiet Desperation, LLC (Deric W. Haircare), Tuesday, May 22, 2012 8:22 AM (8 minutes ago)

occurred to me that the Kindle is what has made this book so big, because who wants to be seen holding a porno book on the subway? but with the kindle you can read your porn in public and no-one knows. except for the person looking over your shoulder (which was me, one day, on BART....I realized later that the book the woman was reading had to have been this. it was pages and pages of someone getting fucked in a bathroom and included the line "put your cock in my mouth". she was a polite looking middle aged mexican lady.)

anyway I'm sure none of this is as good as the anne rice porn books.

I saw someone reading the second bk on the train just this morning, don't think the covers are putting anyone off, really. Or getting anyone off, unfortunately.

The Roquelaure books are first-class for budding dabbling in erotica.

my wife's fb feed has been full of Midwestern moms posting e.g. "reading 50 Shades & my husband is getting sore from all the pounding" so I'm just happy nice people are getting megalaid out of this

This Thomas Tallis fellow makes me want to convert to Catholicism.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6RgaPTo4hE

On the flight from Auckland to San Francisco I sat next to a woman about my age who was reading 50 Shades of Grey. I was about midway through the new Stephen King and was not at all tired, so basically her and I had this mini-readathon for almost the whole flight - there was never a time when we were both not either reading or sleeping, but mostly reading.

I'd seen the books at every airport during my trip but I didn't know anything about them so now I'm like ...well they can't be written any better than Twilight or she'd have been running off to the bathroom the whole time, lol

Also consider this: Muse inspired S Meyer to write Twilight. and now Snow Patrol/Kings of Leon inspire 50 Shades of Grey.
I think we need some kind of master plan to deal with these poisonous influences.

Are we about due for a terrible sexy pirate book inspired by The Script?

Movie soundtrack to include Kaizer Chiefs?

Louis XIV iirc

Ball gag with a skull and crossbones on it

Strap-on hook

Some of the most disturbing parrot sex in contemporary literature

A Red Room of T-PAIN, where they AutoTune the fuck out of you.

You beat me by 2 seconds, I was about to just post "Sex Parrot"

We need to get a Captain Morgan tie-in deal on this, too.

50 men shit on a dead girl's chest, yo ho yo ho

Perfection.

I kind of want to turn this into a Tallis thread

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9BnqgvHCNw

Can someone explain to me, actually, the phenomenon of women posting about reading this book on facebook? You don't really see guys posting "Ready for a relaxing evening -- a sixer of Sierras in the fridge and Anal Sluts 3 in the DVD player, lol!"

and really, thank god for that

I know, i mean i'm assuming whoever posted upthread about seeing that sort thing on his fb feed was exaggerating, but still it sort of boggles my mind

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120501163509AAQHAVt

i mean, not mentioning reading it, but more the added comments about sex life with their husband

i guess it ties in to the mass popularity/acceptance thing

I don't think it's exaggeration. I have seen TONS of people on Twitter mentioning that they're reading it. Like, every woman I know. (Although one of them tweeted the other day: "#FiftyShadesOfGrey I just finished it. Gotta say it did very little for me. What's up with all the women that go cuh-razy for it? #NotSoSexy.")

xp obvs

You can still read the original online but googling the title (posted upthread) + pdf. just fyi.

my stepmom brought it up at dinner the other night. and my dumbest coworker tried to convince us all to read it.

can anyone confirm or deny that the so-called tampon scene actually appears in the book? my belief in god depends on the answer, thx

He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

50 Shades of Grey: The Quickening

are they having sex or making bread

Oh jeez.

I am lolling hard at "oh jeez"

oops, there goes my skirt down under my feet, oh jeez

^^^ lolz

Oh, jeez. Argh.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me

Hahaha are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? This woman is now a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE for this?

a few comments down on that thread:

Originally in the fic he threw [the tampon] on the floor. When fans got insanely grossed out, she changed it to the toilet.

i don't know what's worse, throwing a used tampon on the floor or actively reminding the reader that all the sexy action is happening next to a toilet.

"oh jeez. oh gosh golly. oh... goodness! heavens to betsy!"

he raps as he grinds

it's just depressing i guess "the power of marketing". i've not read much airport bookstore kinda genre fiction but i get the idea that much of that stuff is at least very well-crafted

chapter in future version of "extraodinary popular delusions..." book: in 2012 tens of thousands of ppl convinced themselves that a poorly-written fanfiction novel was sexy

"I like big butts and I cannot lie," he raps as he grinds into me.

so basically the lead woman in this is a young Edie McClurg?

Or Eddie Murphy's Aunt Bunny.

I mean it can't ONLY be the power of marketing, otherwise it would be much easier to create runaway bestsellers like this, I'd think.

This author and her publisher just somehow, perhaps accidentally, found a way to package porn so that it's palatable to the average non-porn-consuming woman, and the timing was right. Maybe Mad Men opened the door for it a bit?

wait waht

Mad Men is lady porn?

Rich, powerful suit-wearing man will show you who's boss but not too much.

"well how do you like them apples!" i exclaim, as he grasps my underpants and tears them off my body

looool

Are you guys unfamiliar with romance novels? I opened up one of those harlequin paperbacks once and the first sentence I read was 'his penis was erect'. Pretty porny.

"Whip me again!" I groan, "it's really kewl!"

"Now that's different!" I gasp, as he turns me around and pulls back my hips.

it was a dark and stormy genitals.

^^ thanking u

Rich, powerful suit-wearing man will show you who's boss but not too much.

That's the basic plot of almost every romance novel ever. I think 50 shades just has more kinky sex?

As he plunges deep inside of me, my head lolls back and an involuntary "UFF DA!" escapes my lips.

lol amon

what was that fantasy conan-type novel some anonymous teenager wrote that would get passed around at conventions and ppl would take turns reading it out loud? the hero's name was "Glrg" or something...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gor

?

but i get the idea that much of that stuff is at least very well-crafted

Uh...

Gor blimey

xpost

"Now that's different!" I gasp, as he turns me around and pulls back my hips.

― i love the large auns pictures! (Phil D.), Tuesday, May 22, 2012 2:34 PM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lawl

oh, Eye of Argon.

"You make love well wench," Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.

A flying foot caught the mug Grignr had taken hold of, sending its blood red contents sloshing over a flickering crescent; leashing tongues of bright orange flame to the foot trodden floor.

"Remove yourself Sirrah, the wench belongs to me;" Blabbered a drunken soldier, too far consumed by the influences of his virile brew to take note of the superior size of his adversary.

Grignr lithly bounded from the startled female, his face lit up to an ashen red ferocity, and eyes locked in a searing feral blaze toward the swaying soldier.

"To hell with you, braggard!" Bellowed the angered Ecordian, as he hefted his finely honed broad sword.

nugs vs raspin vs grindage.

romance novels are nothing new, i think this one is only remarkable because 1. it's a breakout hit of self-publishing, 2. it had a built in niche audience appeal due to its origin as twilight fan-fiction, and 3. it is kinkier than most examples of the genre?

"Remove yourself Sirrah, the wench belongs to me;"

AMAZING.

Are you guys unfamiliar with romance novels?

u bet yr ass.

I might read this if it was written in the style of Penthouse Forum letters, better yet if G Gottfried did the audiobook.

The lead character sounds like the mom form Bobby's World.

Oh jeez is so midwestern, it reminds me of these guys:

http://www.totalpackers.com/images/dabears.jpg

I wasn't kidding about my wife's fb feed being full of mothers in their 30s going on about this book & the ensuing fuckfests with their astonished hubbies.

Times like these make me so happy I don't have a fb account.

man i need to step up my oversharing game. i mean, just b/c i haven't been gettin' any lately doesn't mean that there haven't been some... ~personal fireworks~ that i'm guessing my fb brethren would just love to hear more about

"Oh laws yes" she murmured as he harvested her cornfield

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DW-4Fn-d9OY

loool, bathtub mom hahah

"You're darn tootin'!" she exclaimed as he thrust into her womanhood.

"Boy howdy!"

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he put a boner.

"Rasps" makes me hear a Moe from the Simpsons type voice.

"That's right baby!"

"You'll feel this one right in ya hoo-hah, baby" (in Moe voice)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-15-bestworst-lines-from-erotic-bestseller-fif

holy lol

salsa/meringue line ftw

it was a dark and stormy genitals.

this is just killing me

lol @ stock photos!!!

"but holy hell is this erotic"

goly gee am I ever turned on right now

"inner goddess"

kudos to remy for this thread title btw, i've been giggling at it all day

I never before imagined women having inner goddesses that danced on clouds during S&M role play. I have learned something about women today.

we are apparently very mundane, erotic beings

"i stiffen"

"I'd like to bite that lip," he whispers darkly...

oh does he now

i.p. stiffenbacher

Cheese and crackers, this is erotic!

#9 sounds like some kind of stomach flu

My inner goddess has explosive diarrhea.

Could you put some music on, please?”
“Certainly, ma’am. What would you like to hear?”
“Something soothing.”
I see a smile play on Taylor’s lips as our eyes meet briefly again in the mirror.
“Yes, ma’am.”
He pushes a few buttons on the steering wheel, and the gentle strains of Pachelbel’s canon fills the space between us.

you guys have clearly not read the romance writer's phrasebook as extensively as i have

I want to madlib all these so bad

and I've been thinking of you LL this whole time, you are QUEEN of this <3

just sayin

the romance writer's phrasebook

that was a great thread btw

i've made a bunch more
in fact, i haven't even made it past chapter 6/12 on tumblr

“When did you start your period, Isabella?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err... yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.”

He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom so I’m bending down. He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And gently but firmly tugs my tampon out… Holy Fuck… and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Sweet mother of all… Jeez… And then he’s inside me… ah!

Blue string...sounds pretty fancy.

abysmal

sorry, "ugh"

...what!

jeez

cheese and rice!
gosh!

argh

dear publishing industry, please don't crap out before i finish my sexy french resistance fighters vs. vampire zombie hitler youth erotic thriller trilogy. thanks.

Forever Young Adult reviews 50 Shades of Grey

this book is actually worse than VC Andrews' novels

First of all, James falls victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is "never enter into a land war in Asia," but only slightly less-well-known is this: Never write erotica if your main character can't say the word 'vagina!'"

"Heavens!:)", I gush. xxxp

"Damn!," I burst.

"I am seeing red," he utters sternly.

Anastasia Steele

Bahahahahahaha THIS is her name?! How much 90s USA Channel and late night Cinemax/Showtime did you have to watch in your adolescence to come up with that?

Anastasia Steele is the illegitimate child spawned by the two leads of 'Silk Stalking' in some horrid fuck-ritual.

Also, I've been passing these things on prominent displayed at every airport bookstore I've passed today. I wondered what all the fuss was about with three King-sized tomes featuring b&w stock photo with the contrast level turn way down.

this sounds like that Python dirty phrasebook sketch

"My nipples explode with delight"

oh jeez.

holy crap.

oh darn.

I can't believe she calls her vagina "down there" in the book.

My shock is partly due to familiarity only with Fanny Hill in the erotic novel genre, which never really said 'penis' or 'vagina' but instead generated 53,842 colorful euphemisms, none of which were as embarrassed and stupid as "down there."

"Let me fix you something to eat," he says.

"Can't I just go to bed?" I mutter wearily as I place my hand in his. He pulls me up. I am stiff. He gazes down at me, his expression soft.

"No, you need to eat. Come."

Bossy Edward is back. Oh, it's such a relief. He leads me to the kitchen area and ushers me towards a bar stool as he heads to the fridge. I glance at my watch. Jeez, nearly eleven thirty and I have to get up for work in the morning.

"Edward, I'm really not hungry."

He studiously ignores me as he ferrets through the enormous fridge.

"Cheese?" he asks.

"Not at this hour."

"Pretzels?"

"In the fridge? No," I snap.

He turns and grins at me.

"You don't like pretzels?"

"Not at eleven thirty. Edward, I'm going to bed. You can rummage around in your refrigerator for the rest of the night if you want. I'm tired, and I've had a far too interesting a day. A day I'd like I'd to forget."

I slide off the stool and he scowls at me, but right now I don't care. I want to go to bed – I'm exhausted.

"Macaroni and cheese?" He holds up a white bowl lidded with foil. He looks so hopeful and endearing.

"You like macaroni and cheese?" I ask.

He nods enthusiastically, and my heart just melts. He looks so young all of a sudden. Who would have thought? Edward Cullen likes nursery food.

"You want some?" he asks, like he's asking about something else – something much yummier than macaroni and cheese. I can't resist him, and actually I am hungry.

I grin and his answering grin is breathtaking. He takes the foil off the bowl and pops it into the microwave. I perch back on the school and watch the beauty that is Mr. Edward Cullen – the man who wants to marry me – move gracefully and with ease around his kitchen.

"So you know how to use the microwave then?" I tease softly.

"Nachos?"
"Nutter Butters?"
"Lunchables?"

yerac, stop reading whatever it is you're reading. it's bad for you.

"Two words: Toaster Strudels."

"Celeste pizza?"
"Go-Gurt?"
"Teriyaki sauce?"

ummmmmmm why can edward cullen eat food in this fanfic, he is a vampire

the real edward cullen would be microwaving her a deer haunch

"The venison is well...hung."

Abbottt otm re Fanny Hill

how did it get so popular?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6ZtHrWiSAk&ob=av3e

Just wait until some brony's fan fiction is turned into a bestselling centaur romance novel.

@latebloomer: You don't have to wait if your smartphone gets the Web, honey!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUd0aYkAnic

"That's the ticket," I moan, as he drags his palm across my vajazzle.

"Boy howdy!" I shout as he vigorously punches me down there.

My inner goddess is doing a frenetic cha-cha slide.

"I want to remove your unmentionables," he mentions ironically.

"I can't believe this is only 60 calories!" I exclaim, spooning a luscious mound of vanilla yoplait into my mouth as he pounds my uh-oh.

Can someone confirm or deny for me that:
1. The writer's day job is in Public Relations
2. She wrote a shitty Twilight fan fic
3. She changed the names and a few details and made it into an original work
4. She spent her day job skills trying to convince everyone that this was getting a lot of buzz until it got actual coverage
5. PROFIT

All I've learned is that this woman must have amazing PR skills and should not quit her day job.

2-3 confirmed upthread.

I suspect that luck and timing have as much to do with it as her PR skills.

plus, TWILIGHT

"Holy crap," I mutter, as he gently taps my area with a $50 Target gift card. My inner goddess is doing Zoomba with added Cardio Abs moves.

oh jeez elmo, feel like that could have been written by someone I know, shit just got real

lolling so hard elmo

elmo and DJP, please co-write ilxor fan-fic romance novel

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what!

http://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000020449911-50xm6p-original.jpg?4606e00

omg lol

aaaahaha

haaaa

Lil Jon would make an amazing Christian Grey.

cannot get over "inner goddess"

ya rly, that's just such a "I must find you and slap you" phrase

So it's like The Story of O for deeply stupid people?
― i love the large auns pictures! (Phil D.)
^this needs to be in big flashing text at the top of this thread methinks.

also thanks to AP I am now forcibly restraining myself from writing paragraphs about ilxor's inner goddess

DO IT DO IT DO IT

You are turning your back on a best seller if you don't write this.

"Gee whillikers!" I posit, as my inner goddess merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.

He bends me over the Raymour & Flannigan sectional sofa and enters me suddenly from behind... I stiffen, and an involuntary "Oh, fudge!" escapes my lips.

I am pretty sure my inner goddess is going to get a leg cramp from this ceaseless meringue but that doesn't stop him.

He pulls my hips back and flips over my legs, twisting them 180 degrees. Then, he pulls back my head and folds my arms over my face. A sharp jolt snaps my hips into my shoulders and the transformation is complete. I am now a Volkswagen Beetle.

omg

Metamorphosis for the 2010s.

DJP we are clearly keeping you from irl fame and fortune

"Purr for me," he growls, his grey eyes glinting in my rear view mirror. "I want to hear my little love bug hum."

My heart skips a beat with every thrust. "Vrooom," I groan. "Vroom vrooooooooom.... Meep-meep!"

A sudden, sharp pain flashes across my hood, stinging especially where his high school ring scratches the paint. "No!" he shouts. "No Roadrunner shit! I only fuck sexy cars!"

Even this admonishment is making my tailpipe juicy with desire. Haltingly, I rev my engine some more, making sure to flash my brake lights. "Vroom?" I ask, craving dearly his approval and the feel of his love piston.

"Yes...." he moans, caressing my engorged leather interior. "Now let's see how you... handle."

Oh goodness. I don't know if I will recover from this ride.

...

dying

omglololo

btw thx everyone for helping me figure out what I'm doing for NaNoWriMo this year

can't wait for Chapter 5 when her distributor cap melts

argh spoilers I've said too much

omg dan

but what is a ceaseless meringue?

That was bad spelling correction; I meant the merengue the dance, although the mental image of neverending meringue created by sexual activity is probably worse.

I think "Even this admonishment is making my tailpipe juicy with desire," is the worst sentence I've ever written

but what is a ceaseless meringue?

symptom of an oncoming leg cramp

I don't know if I can sustain this for 50K words but for once I feel super compelled to try

you can do it DJP

"I don't know if I can sustain this for 50K words," he said, while she held his... pen. "But for once I feel super compelled to try"

oh dammit, now I can't use that

http://theworstthingsforsale.com/post/23540447802/let-me-admit-that-i-havent-read-cosmos-sexiest

i can just imagine DJP unintentionally appealing to the erotic desires of inner Volkswagons everywhere

"oh dammit, now I can't use that," she said, as he cast aside yet another tampon

omg H4A that is spectacular

also lol some dude

the mental image of neverending meringue created by sexual activity is probably worse.

Gives "santorum" a run for its money.

My god, DJP. You are a monster.

He’s like several different people in one body. Isn’t that a symptom of schizophrenia? I must Google that.
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 82.

Def straying into sissymh territory, though, with the juicy tailpipe.

A co-worker told me that Christian Grey utters the line "I am fifty shades of fucked up."

hahha H4A that is great, "huevos"

He continued to relentlessly, unflinchingly nookie me down there, causing my inner goddess to bake meringues

At the end of the day I did it all for the nookie, but he never took that cookie and shoved it up my hey.

bwahahahha

I cannot get the image out of my head of a "What he's thinking (scary guy with leather mask inflicting pain) / What she's thinking (goddess doing yoga on cloud)" cartoon

has this been posted already?
http://www.jest.com/video/174214/gilbert-gottfried-reads-fifty-shades-of-grey

if not here, it was posted on another thread, but yeah that was posted

Def straying into sissymh territory, though, with the juicy tailpipe.

― oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken. (Austerity Ponies), Wednesday, May 23, 2012 11:43 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

hey what

lol

haha that abbreviation was unfortunate

i was super amused by the gottfried thing but maybe i am more amused than most by the one joke that is gilbert gottfried. when he tips his head back and howls HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY FUCK (apparently a rare moment of abandon for prim anastasia steele!) i lol hard. i watched it like three times. idk what that says.

http://www.avclub.com/articles/fifty-shades-of-grey-hits-10-million-copies-sold-m,75540/

Don't fool yerself, girl /
It's goin' right up yer poop chute

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair again. “It goes back to being 50 shades of fucked up Isabella. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a certain way, and if you don’t … I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin, pink and warm up under my hands. It turns me on.”

Holy shit. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“So it’s not the pain you’re putting me through?”

“A bit, to see if you can take it, but that’s not the whole reason. It’s the fact that you are mine do with as I see fit – ultimate control over someone else. Look, I’m not explaining myself very well, I’ve never had to before. I’ve not really thought about this in any great depth. I’ve always been with… like-minded people,” he shrugs apologetically. “And you still haven’t answered my question – how did you feel afterwards?”

“Confused.”

“You were sexually aroused by it Isabella.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he re-opens them and gazes at me they are smoldering green embers. His expression pulls at that dark part of me, buried in the depths of my belly – my libido, woken and tamed by him, but even now… insatiable.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he murmurs.

I frown. Jeez what have I done now?

“I don’t have any condoms, Isabella, and you know, you’re upset. Contrary to what your roommate believes, I’m not a priapic monster. So, you felt confused?”

I squirm under his intense gaze.

“You have no problem being honest with me in print. Your emails always tell me exactly how you feel. Why can’t you do that in conversation? Do I intimidate you that much?”

I pick at an imaginary spot on my mother’s blue and cream quilt.

“You dazzle me, Edward. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun,” I whisper.

He gasps. “Well, I think you’ve got that the wrong way around.”

“What?”

“Oh Isabella, you’ve bewitched me. Isn’t it obvious?”

No, not to me. Bewitched… my inner goddess is staring open-mouthed. Even she doesn’t believe this.

I'm Not A Priapic Monster = please be someone's new ilx username kthxbye

oh barf, inner goddess OH JEEZ

“Touching is a hard limit for me Isabella,” he whispers.

“I know. I wish I understood why…”

After an age, he sighs, and in a soft voice he says, “I had a horrific childhood. I think one of the crack-whore’s pimps…” his voice trails off. “I can remember that.”

I feel the shudder that goes through him.

“Was she abusive? Your mother?”

“Not that I remember. She was neglectful. I think it was me who looked after her. When she finally killed herself, it took four days for someone to raise the alarm, and find us. I remember that.”

I cannot contain my gasp of horror. Holy mother fuck. I feel nauseous.

“Well, that’s pretty… fucked-up,” I whisper.

“Fifty shades.”

I turn my head and press my lips against his neck, seeking and offering solace. He smells heavenly, my favorite fragrance in the entire world… Edward. He tightens his arms around me and kisses my hair, and I sit wrapped in his embrace as Taylor speeds into the night.

I think one of the crack-whore’s pimps…” his voice trails off. “I can remember that.”

wait, what

I feel like someone is beating me in the face with an English phrasebook

smoldering green embers

his face was an ashen shade of bright orange

her ass was as red as a frozen hot pocket

"I'm a sadist, Bella. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother. I'm sure you can guess why." He says it in a rush, like he's had the sentence in his head for days and days, and is desperate to be rid of it.

Oh no. It's not what I expected, but it does explain why we all look the same. My immediate thought is that Lauren was right – Master is dark. I recall the first conversation we had about his tendencies, we were in the red room of pain.

"You said you weren't a sadist," I whisper. I am definitely not as shocked as I think I ought to be.

"I know. Like I said, I lied to you. And I lie to myself about it. I'm sorry." He looks briefly down at his manicured fingernails – and I would say he's mortified.

Mortified about lying to me? Or about what he is?

"When you asked me that question, I had envisioned a very different relationship between us," he murmurs. I can tell by his gaze that he's terrified.

Then it hits me like a demolition ball. If he's a sadist, he really needs all that whipping shit. Oh fuck. I put my head in my hands.

"So it's true," I whisper. "I can't give you what you need." I glance up at him briefly. This is it – this really does mean we are incompatible. The world starts falling away at my feet, and collapsing around me as panic grips my throat. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face.

My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face.

ahahahahaha

erica otm

there can't be much room in there with her subconscious and her inner goddess running around the place

simultaneously my inner goddess is wearing her georgette from the mary tyler moore show face.

A red haze falls over my vision. My inner goddess and my subconcsious are dressed up like Laverne and Shirley.

this is terrible twilight fanfiction, edward is no longer a vampire and has green eyes? everyone knows edward's eyes are LIQUID TOPAZ

"I know what you're doing." His voice is low and husky.

"I know you know, Mr. Cullen," I reply softly. "That's the point." I pick up an asparagus stalk, gaze slowly sideways at him from beneath my lashes, then dip the asparagus into the hollandaise sauce, swirling the tip around and around.

"You're not turning the tables on me, Miss Swan." Smirking, he reaches over and takes the spear from me – amazingly and annoyingly managing to not touch me again. No, this isn't right. This is not going according to plan. Gah!

"Open your mouth," he commands, softly.

I am losing this battle of wills. I glance up at him again and his eyes blaze bright green. Parting my lips a fraction, I run my tongue across my lower lip. Edward smiles slightly, and his eyes darken further.

"Wider," he breathes, his mouth open slightly. I can see his tongue. I groan inwardly.

I briefly bite my bottom lip, then do as he asks. I hear his sharp intake of breath… he's not so immune. Good, I am finally getting to him. My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.

Keeping my eyes locked on his, I take the spear in my mouth, and suck, gently, delicately, on the end. The hollandaise sauce is mouthwatering. I bite down, moaning quietly in appreciation.

it got 1900 5 star reviews on amazon. I need a new job.

his words drip from his honeyed tongue like cans of beans falling off a high shelf.

*inner goddess fist-pumps the air*

lol @ how we were complaining that suzanne collins narrated things too vaguely in the hunger games thread. thank god 50 shades of grey is here to narrate the millimeter-by-millimeter movement of an asparagus stalk from the plate to someone's mouth

"fuckin' a," hoops my inner goddess.

i foresee someone getting a good thesis out of the way anastasia denies ownership of her own desires by deflecting them onto some imaginary "other" inside her.

thank god 50 shades of grey is here to narrate the millimeter-by-millimeter movement of an asparagus stalk from the plate to someone's mouth

― producer / dj / humanitarian (reddening), Wednesday, May 23, 2012 8:19 PM (14 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

it's funny because this is very true to stephanie meyer's narration, except in twilight it's about bella's moment by moment experience of googling "vampire" and then clicking the pop-up ads closed. i thought of it is "microscopic realism" or "the new banality" when i was reading twilight.

"microscopic realism" and "the new banality" both sound like genres/movements that could contain both stephanie meyer and tao lin

yeah it's some zeitgeisty stuff, right?

sometimes i don't know how i feel about the whole enterprise of fiction anyway

I opened my web browser.

It hung for a while. The little circle went round and round the blank tab.

I ate some dead skin off the cuticle of my left index finger.

Then the browser fixed itself and I read horseshoe's new post.

oh my god, the "bella googles vampires" sequence in twilight was deeply, painfully embarrassing to read! there's a lot to hate about those books, but that sequence in particular was just so bad. look i know this isn't the twilight thread but i have to post it:

I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get myself a bowl of cereal while I waited.

I ate slowly, chewing each bite with care. When I was done, I washed the bowl and spoon, dried them, and put them away. My feet dragged as I climbed the stairs. I went to my CD player first, picking it up off the floor and placing it precisely in the center of the table. I pulled out the headphones, and put them away in the desk drawer. Then I turned the same CD on, turning it down to the point where it was background noise.

With another sigh, I turned to my computer. Naturally, the screen was covered in pop-up ads. I sat in my hard folding chair and began closing all the little windows. Eventually I made it to my favorite search
engine. I shot down a few more pop-ups and then typed in one word.

Vampire.

It took an infuriatingly long time, of course. When the results came up, there was a lot to sift through — everything from movies and TV shows to role-playing games, underground metal, and gothic cosmetic companies.

ughhhhhhhhh and to top it all off she puts the single-word common noun "vampire" into a search engine like the dumbest fuck to have ever existed ughhhhhh

About 366,000,000 results (0.18 seconds)

was she using lycos or altavista

pls tell me that scene is in the movie

CUT TO: kristen stewart views 366 million internet pages re: 'vampire' on a slow modem

Oh christ. That's almost worse than DJP's car-porn passage upthread.

She drove to Ikea at Kungens Kurva and spent three hours browsing through the merchandise, writing down the item numbers she needed. She made a few quick decisions.

She bought two karlanda sofas with sand coloured upholstery, five Poäng armchairs, two round side tables of clear lacquered birch, a Svansbo coffee table, and several Lack occasional tables. From the storage department she ordered two Ivar combination storage units and two Bonde bookshelves, a TV stand, and a Magiker unit with doors. She settled on a Pax Nexus three-door wardrobe and two small Malm bureaus.

She spent a long time selecting a bed, and decided on a Hemnes bed from with mattress and bedside table. To be on the safe side, she also bought a Lillehammer bed to put in the spare room. She didn't plan on having an guests, but since she had a guest room she might as well furnish it.

The bathroom in her new apartment was already equipped with a medicine cabinet, towel storage, and a washing machine the previous owners had left behind. All she had to buy was a cheap laundry basket.

What she did need, though, was kitchen furniture. After some thought she decided on a Rosfors kitchen table of solid beechwood with a tabletop of tempered glass and four colourful kitchen chairs.

She also needed furniture for her office. She looked at some improbable work stations: with ingenious cabinets for storing computers and keyboards. In the end she shook her head and ordered an ordinary desk, the Galant, in beech veneer with an angled top and rounded corners, and a large filing cabinet. She took a long time choosing an office chair—in which she would no doubt spend many hours—and chose one of the most expensive options, the Verksam.

She made her way through the entire warehouse and bought a good supply of sheets, pillowcases, hand towels, duvets, blankets, pillows, a starter pack of stainless steel cutlery, some crockery, pots and pans, cutting boards, three big rug, several work lamps, and a huge quantity of office supplies—folders, file boxes, wastepaper baskets, storage boxes, and the like.

according to a diligent amazon reviewer, "jeez" appears 81 times in this thing, and there are 58 references to the heroine's "inner goddess"

xxp she does do a vampire web search in the movie, but they set it to a cool soundtrack and make her face look all shadowy and tormented and there aren't any pop-ups

thank god she included all those ikea brand names, it'll be a really helpful reference tool when i construct my 50 shades of grey Sims house

that was Stieg Larsson. Just pointing out that crushing banality seems to be a prerequisite for huge book sales these day

"eventually making it to [your] favorite search engine" seems like a good acting class exercise to work on

now i'm going to have to watch that Kristen Stewart school of acting video again

well it got me looking and sure enough, there are 50 shades of grey sims:

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3giykTZiD1rrjldvo1_1280.jpg

i admit, i haven't played sims in a long time, i didn't know they added frottage as an option

Frottage and black mass, apparently.

Confused: is Bella in one of the sequels to 50 Shades? I thought the chick was named Anastasia

I think the Bella is from the version of this book before E.L. James used find replace.

Yeah, catch up, this is Twilight fanfic with diff names. And non-vampires initiate sex in the bathroom in case they need a place to grow a tampon.

THROW, lol

Throwing Tampons...that was Live's second album, right?

i'm sticking with grow

"grow a tampon" sounds like heathers-style 80s teen slang

tamponizer

grow one tampon, you munch...

Lightning crashes, an inner goddess cries
Her tampon is thrown to the floor.

http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/

Raiding the fridge once more, I gather potatoes, ham, and—Yes!—peas from the freezer.

"Good. Where’s the ice cream?”

“In the oven.” I smile sweetly at him.

He cocks his head to one side, sighs, and shakes his head at me. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Miss Steele.” His eyes glitter.

there needs to be a war and these two need to be drafted.

That Selena Gomez video linked to on the tumblr is very amusing, and Ms. Gomez is [quickly googles her date of birth] very appealing in it.

One day I will fuck you in this elevator, Anastasia

50 floors of grey

imagine what creative writing teachers are going to have to contend with after this.

btw would it be rude to ask if E.L. James is trans?

holy shit I thought NN wrote that Ike's bit as a joke. that's steig larrson? jesus.

IKEA bit, fuckin phone

that's steig larrson? jesus.

Yeah. I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo because so many people were recommending it, and he includes a lot of long boring descriptions like the Ikea one. I really don't need to know the precise specs on the computers everyone is using, thanks.

I seriously can't tell which are actual quotes from the book and which are people here making shit up to mock the book. Except for the Transformers porn that Dan wrote. That could only come from the deep recesses of his brain.

And just as I am getting used to the sensation, he sits up again and trails a spoonful of ice cream down the center of my body, across my stomach, and into my navel where he deposits a large dollop of ice cream.

Like, I know these kinds of books don't have editors in the traditional sense, but jesus wept, this is awful. "ice cream . . . ice cream." Come on.

Yeah has it been edited at ALL? Its shockingly shit.

http://www.eljamesauthor.com/

Hello and welcome to my website. I'm the author of the adult romance Fifty Shades trilogy, the first instalment (British spelling) of which was published in May 2011. I've been delighted and honoured by the positive response to my story from readers the world over, and I hope that this website will be a regular port of call for those who want to know more about the world of Fifty Shades and about the other projects I currently have in development. I hope you'll enjoy exploring the site and that you'll bookmark this page and come back often.

With love and thanks

E L James

(British spelling)

I moan softly, my inner goddess dressed up like T-Rex.

All my love,

E L James.

other projects I currently have in development

This gives me the fear.

Truly she is a gift from the (inner) gods.

so many women reading this book on the train these days. i don't know how people can read this in public without getting embarrassed. not even because it's shitty, but just because it's all sex scenes.

this is what kindles were made for, people!

it's a hip book to be seen reading

And just as I am getting used to the sensation, he sits up again and trails a spoonful of ice cream down the center of my body, across my stomach, and into my navel where he deposits a large dollop of ice cream.

can I just say I am in awe of this sentence

ice cream play, that's pretty hardcore

"he put a cushion on my head, he put a cushion on my feet, he sat on my butt, and pretended it was a cushion, and that I was a couch"

like, exactly how far down is her navel

and why would you put ice cream in someone's navel, that just seems wasteful

you could get the same sensation with a perfectly good ice cube but I guess dude reeeeeally gets off on butter pecan?

it puts him in a good humor

groan

enjoying yr mint chocolate chip, goole?

I would not waste good ice cream like that! What if the person had belly button lint?

What if she had an outie? He could paint it red and pretend it was a marachino.

my roommate told me a funny story about her friends' honeymoon and a can of whipped cream. I guess they used too much or took too long to get around to eating it off each other and, well, the moral of the story was it doesn't mix well with certain body parts, lol. They were both feeling decidedly ill afterwards :/

Oh gross.

i would have stopped my roommate at "honeymoon"

o_O

I want to read a piece about ice cream play that ends with both partners deciding going to make sundaes instead of fucking. "My inner goddess was dying for sprinkles!"

My head is pounding and I try to keep count, but I'm quickly realize I've lost track of how many Milano cookies he has inserted into my no-no place.

the icecream story should end with her spending the next couple of days trying to get rid of the 'off dairy' smell

"All day, you know, we make decisions, about what to make for dinner and that kind of stuff, and it’d be nice if someone else made decisions about everything. In the bedroom, at least."

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2012/05/fifty-shades-of-grey-the-how-to-class.html

That argument doesn't hold water for me because THE WRITING IS HELLA FUCKING SHITTY

i was reading this over the shoulder of the woman sitting next to me on the train this morning and the dude had sent ANASTASIA STEELE a macbook pro THAT ISN'T EVEN IN THE STORES YET for their dirty sex communications

at least nicholson baker is funny sometimes.
intentionally i mean

otm

I was just thinking about reading The Fermata in public when I was in college and being embarrassed by doing so even though the majority of people prob didn't know just exactly how dirty that stuff was.

Anyone else see this lady on The Today Show a couple weeks ago?

Christian lies beside me, his hand caressing my belly, his long fingers splayed out wide.

"How’s my daughter?"

"She’s dancing." I laugh.

"Dancing? Oh yes! Wow. I can feel her." He grins as Blip Two somersaults inside me.

"I think she likes sex already."

nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope

"i think she likes sex already"

Oh no. That's not really from the book, is it?

Blip Two

I want to unlearn how to read now please thank you

his long fingers splayed out wide

*shudder*

um

WHAT THE FUCK

so this is a book about will ferrell and rachel dratch's "lovers" characters from snl right?

I didn't think anyone could top "Jacob falls in passionate love with an infant" from Breaking Dawn but here we are

really in the book! (hopefully that works)

My god. This lady is a menace.

oh for the love of god don't read past that quoted section

come back VC Andrews, all is forgiven

Ha! I don't know if I'm willing to go that far.

Every generation gets the VC Andrews it deserves.

haha

I jerk awake, woken by a high-pitched squeal of delight from my son, and even though I can't see him or Christian, I grin like an idiot with my glee. Ted has woken from his nap, and he and Christian are romping nearby.

WHERE IS THIS GOING, LADY

I dunno about you but old VC's incest seems like frickin Dostoyevsky next to this blandrotica

“Christian! You are such a kinky –” He swoops on me suddenly, kissing me hard, his leg thrown over mine, grabbing my hands so they are above my head.
“You love the kinky fuckery,” he whispers, and he runs his nose down mine. I grin up at him, caught in his infectious, wicked smile.
“Yes, I love the kinky fuckery. And I love you. Very much.”

good god.

"You kids better cut out that kinkey fuckery right now or I'm turning this car around"

also the body descriptions remind me of Wizard of Oz - "then he took my legs and he threw them over THERE, and then he took my chest and he threw it over THERE"

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/50-shades-grey-author-jamess-interview-16154474

ice cream

followed by a dollop of ice cream

I used to really like ice cream.

a sex shop creeped her out, so she did her research "online"

the "ice cream followed by ice cream" thing is giving me huge flashbacks to the midthread lols here:

"Sink Immigrants Boats" says Nick Griffin

also the body descriptions remind me of Wizard of Oz - "then he took my legs and he threw them over THERE, and then he took my chest and he threw it over THERE"

dying

a sex shop creeped her out, so she did her research "online"

― goole, Thursday, May 24, 2012 2:44 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yet another detail that contributes to the novel's overall sense of having been written by a 14-year-old

I can't get past the kinky fuckery.

few can

fucky kinkery

(also thanks to that phrase, I am now picturing Christian as being played by Bert the Chimney Sweep from "Mary Poppins")

I'm going to start using "What manner of kinky fuckery is this?" whenever I'm confused or angry from now on. (Which is most of the time.)

you love the kinky fuckery
i love the kinky fuckery
you love the kinky fuckery
i love the kinky fuckery
you love the kinky fuckery
i love the kinky fuckery
you love the kinky fuckery
i love the kinky fuckery
you love the kinky fuckery
i love the kinky fuckery

you like-a da juice
I like-a da juice
you like-a da juice
I like-a da juice
you like-a da juice
I like-a da juice
you like-a da juice
I like-a da juice
you like-a da juice
I like-a da juice
you like-a da juice
I like-a da juice
you like-a da juice
I like-a da juice

this woman looks pretty much exactly like i assumed she would

"I think she likes sex already."

I was already sick to my stomach when I read this, but now I feel so much worse.

gaze upon the face of icequeen's snowdragon and tremble

Look how KINKY.

http://knopfdoubleday.com/files/2012/05/EL-James-for-web.jpg

so this is a book about will ferrell and rachel dratch's "lovers" characters from snl right?

― congratulations (n/a), Thursday, May 24, 2012 2:24 PM (31 minutes ago) Bookmark

lol

I am going to blame EL James when I leave work early today.

it is so crazy to me how that fan fiction is taking america by storm

your boss is going to hear that as "i need to go home and masturbate" fyi (xpost)

:/

btw keep an eye out for my 'eat, pray, love' erotic fan novel, 'gag, beg, fuck,' arriving in bookstores this fall

hey america! your fantasy life is creepy boring and stupid

xp lol

the next dozen or so US bestsellers -- you read 'em here first

comments.stories.xnxx.com

This Ain't The Munsters XXX: A Novel

one of those porn companies should do a 50 shades parody where there's no sex, just their bad actors eating ice cream and talking about their day

fucky kinkerbean

NASCAR Harlequin is far more respectable

fucky kinkerbean

lollllllll

Ben & Jerry's Kinky Fuckery

“This is for me?” I whisper.

“For you.” He nods slowly.

“This is the butt drawer?”

He smirks.

“If you like.”

I close it quickly, flushing like a stoplight. Tentatively, I open the second drawer.

“Don’t you like the butt drawer?” he asks innocently, amused.

I gaze at him and shrug, trying to brazen out my shock.

“It’s not top of my Christmas card list,” I mutter nonchalantly.

He grins.

“Next drawer down holds a selection of vibrators.”

I shut the drawer quickly.

“And the next?” I whisper, ashen once more, but this time with embarrassment.

“That’s more interesting.”

I meant to ask: what Yerac's been posting is obv from the orig twilight fanfic, and i know they changed the names and what not but was the actual published book at all edited? I mean is it exactly as we're reading here? Because christ on a crutch, it'd fail a high school english homework task let alone be published in a sane world.

the butt drawer

It is exactly the same.

(uh putting aside the obvious lols of submitting BDSM novels in english class, that is, haw)

xpost shit, really? Fuck, and I talked myself out of ever trying to be a published author years ago. WTH.

Plus why is she afraid of a drawer full of vibrators? That sure beings being used as a human ice cream dish or having your boyfriend pull your tampon out and twist your hips around and turn you into a car.

that sure BEATS being used

With this kind of writing, I could have a runaway best seller erotic paperback.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13572249-bared-to-you

So 50 Shades of Grey has thinly disguised fanfic now? Which is being picked up for publication? And will probably inspire its own fanfic?

The level of utter naivety/lack of knowledge of the subject matter is so crushingly embarrasing.

THE BUTT DRAWER

flushing like a stoplight.

I got so distracted by THE BUTT DRAWER that I missed "flushing like a stoplight." What even what I don't know what. What?

flushing like a stoplight sounds like a wacky britishism until you think about it and realize it's just the worst simile of all time

"Don't you like the butt drawer?"=First-round inductee into Question Hall of Fame.

tbh I am just imagining a chagrined stoplight on a toilet

i don't wonder what's in the third drawer.

Stopping by another airport bookshop last night, flipping open one of the books and skipping around a bit, I quickly found a section where he was twisting around a butt plug like she had a bad starter.

Clan of the Cave Bear this ain't.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4jfv2LnMN1qh9nffo1_400.jpg

dear little baby jesus, please let marc loi review this book.

he won't, but his inner goddess will

if he wrote the book the third drawer would contain plan b.

plan butt

flushing like a stoplight sounds like a wacky britishism until you think about it and realize it's just the worst simile of all time

Someone I know once said they were so embarrassed they were "glowing like a Belisha beacon" and I didn't know what that was and everyone ended up taking the piss out of me instead of the bad simile (even worse than "flushing like stoplight" tbh as who the fuck blushes orange?)

a what?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belisha_beacon

It's a flashing orange light on top of poles at pedestrian crossings in the UK. I managed to live in the UK for 30 or so years without knowing what they were called.

you must have been agate with fury.

His inner goddess sure was.

I gaze at him and shrug, trying to brazen out my shock.

“It’s not top of my Christmas card list,” I mutter nonchalantly.

For some reason I keep reading that as 'brazen out my sock'.

that reminds me, musn't forget to send the butt drawer a christmas card this year

'to brazen out' as a transitive verb phrase, that is some next level moron poetry

lol i suppose this is the thread where i confess that i once read an erotic gay s/m novel at the recommendation of a (straight, female) friend and it was actually, well, not a 'good' novel but at least compelling and decently written and i found it quite steamy despite my reservations

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41ce9aPvPAL._SL500_.jpg

also radically changed my view of robert guillaume forever

Unlucky-in-love crooner John Mayer thought he had discovered the ultimate serenade: putting erotic chick lit to music.

In an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Tuesday, the Grammy winner, 34, admitted he attempted--unsuccessfully--to woo a woman he was interested in by performing a page from racy bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey.

"I was trying to impress her, and she had [the book] on her Kindle," Mayer revealed. "And so I said, 'I'm going to sing it to you.' So I sang her one of the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey."

Host Jimmy Fallon cracked up hearing Mayer recount his story. "Oh my gosh. And she died on the spot? She's now dead?" he questioned his guest.

"She fell to the ground . . .laughing," Mayer admitted sheepishly.

He would.

lol Mr. Benson

lol enbb, i am imagining benson in a peaked leather cap with a riding crop in his mouth

No crop but: Best Beloved Benson

(maybe nsfw but because of words on image not image itself)

loling at "Mr Benson"

occurred to me that the Kindle is what has made this book so big, because who wants to be seen holding a porno book on the subway?

This is exactly what's happening here, with 10 million copies sold.

I'm sorry I'm still stuck on 'brazen out my shock'

you just need to bemused out your disbelief, vg

Joe Eszterhas has been gunning hard to write the screenplay (really).

xpost I think I'm just going to alcohol out my consciousness

Eazy please tell me you're not serious

and lo I beheld four horsemen...

what what? in the butt drawer

Adrian Lyne needs to come out of retirement for this one imo

A reanimated Coleman Francis could do the job

erogenous zone cuba

The Beast of Erotic Flats

imagining a monster who hates heels

a sexy monster

He gunned her hard in her *wink, wink*.

"I'm Cherokee Christian!"

lol

run a night train to mundo fine

http://thinkprogress.org/alyssa/2012/05/25/490132/fifty-shades-of-whatever-the-missed-opportunities-of-fifty-shades-of-grey/

For all its naughtiness, the book would faint dead away at anything so racy as an actual challenge to gender roles and sexual politics. Fifty Shades of Grey is the literary equivalent of telling a woman to meet her husband at the door dressed in saran wrap.

singing "mr. benson" in my head to the tune of "mr wendal"

http://m.gawker.com/5913971/florida-gives-in-to-horny-moms-lifts-the-ban-on-50-shades-of-grey

That was fast. Just a month after minivan-mom erotica 50 Shades of Grey was banned, Brevard County Florida has reneged on the ban and will return all 19 copies of the book to its' libraries

florida-gives-in-to-horny-moms

http://thinkprogress.org/alyssa/2012/05/25/490132/fifty-shades-of-whatever-the-missed-opportunities-of-fifty-shades-of-grey/

For all its naughtiness, the book would faint dead away at anything so racy as an actual challenge to gender roles and sexual politics. Fifty Shades of Grey is the literary equivalent of telling a woman to meet her husband at the door dressed in saran wrap.

― judas, a homo (elmo argonaut), Friday, May 25, 2012 12:48 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

IDK, if anything I find this kind of opinion sort of retrograde

is saran wrap some kind of old school patriarch fetish

I don't know that soccer moms are really looking for porn that challenges gender roles and sexual politics; that seems less like "porn" and more like "someone's senior thesis"

hurting, i certainly don't want to proscribe what is or isn't okay in the bedroom or erotic fiction. not my place, two consenting adults, etc. but that linked article (which isn't terribly well written, i'll admit) says something which i agree with 100% -- that it's an largely incorrect & simplistic depiction of sexual power dynamics & bdsm

I think we can all agree with that, but I think the larger point is that people are not reading to see if the depiction of sexual power is accurate; people are reading so they can fantasize about a rich man playing with their butt plug

hahaha, otm

A very large number of women apparently find this particular "incorrect" and "simplistic" depcition of BDSM power dynamics hot.

And blogging that trash fan-fic turned bestseller porn represents a "missed opportunity" to challenge sexual politics and gender roles is just, wow, BORING.

also fwiw a commenter on that blog says that the sequels do address some of the very issues mentioned in the blog so w/e.

xp it's a lot less boring than the book tbh

I'm sure the book is completely terrible and I will continue to enjoy its mockery

as long as we're all on the same page there.

i just think the success of this book, judged against its actual content, has a lot of ppl scratching their heads because it's boring, not-sexy, and not anywhere near as thrillingly transgressive as the fans would have you believe, i mean "controlling bastard spanks college co-ed" is not exactly breaking new ground

Fiction book found to be largely incorrect & simplistic, film at 11

Guys, I am gonna have to not go on occasional dates with a girl anymore because she bought this :(

depends on what you're into really

xp yeah if anything I think the curiosity is "why THIS book about a controlling guy spanking a co-ed"

I mean I assume there are a lot of *romance* novels about rich dominating guys, no?

boring fiction deserves buttplugs too

the lana del rey of books

lana del grey

Guys, I am gonna have to not go on occasional dates with a girl anymore because she bought this :(

― mh, Tuesday, May 29, 2012 4:52 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

don't not go on occasional dates because of this

on the plus side, soon she'll be hesitantly asking you to put a dollop of ice cream in her navel

Unless your occasional date is reading it for some kind of other purpose or can at least admit that it's loathsome, do the right thing and dump her. Do you want to date someone who thinks this is titillating?

lactose intolerance

as he ponders this mh's eyes gleam like an inner tube.

my wife reads some really really dumb romance novels. she knows they're dumb, and has good taste in actual literature (and has avoided 50 Shades specifically because of the Twilight connection), but she enjoys them, and i sometimes get laid as a direct result of that, so the idea of saying to her or someone like her "oh you find that titillating, how BORING" and dumping them or just being condescending because of that is pretty ridic to me.

likewise if they don't waka flocka

Well then clearly your answer to my question would be "yes." I mean I don't know, maybe mh DOES want to date someone who finds whatever this is titillating.

I don't have any desire to read 50 Shades of Grey, and I'm not thrilled with it as a book but I'm seriously not going to stop associating with people just for reading it.

I really hope this isn't a serious line of conversation because wow.

some dude and vg otm

soccer moms are the worst

it's boring, not-sexy, and not anywhere near as thrillingly transgressive as the fans would have you believe, i mean "controlling bastard spanks college co-ed" is not exactly breaking new ground

What makes me reflexively hate this tril just like I hated its progenitor series is that people who read other typical shitty romance novels DON'T think they're being transgressive, where as people who have made Fifty Shades famous are all "Ooooh this is so DARK, it's even more exciting because it's NASTY and transgressive, that's so hot, just look at all these things I would scorn and/or be disgusted by if a real-life practitioner brought them up to me."

You don't understand this whole other world now that you've read this, you just brought it into YOUR world that's safe and all cleaned up for you and made it safe and clean, too.

It gives me Outsider Rage somehow.

I mean have these people never heard of that Anne Rice pseudonymously-written shizz or what

so what you're saying is you don't like the kinky fuckery

It's like that band Fuck Buttons, man! They act like they're all avant-noise, but they're really tuneful!

when you download this book it should first automatically play the cream of wheat vid imo

as an intro to the real world

Or like, alt.sex.stories.text

lol

Hurting, don't you diss Fuck Buttons. ;(

so many verbs in that post

kink buttons

Or like, alt.sex.stories.text

lol

― mh, Tuesday, May 29, 2012 4:29 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ha i tried to make this joke/point a couple different ways

there is some kind of tipping point here going on re: the internet's reach into certain subcultures (slash fic, bdsm itself) and being a bridge into wider square culture. james is internet-literate, started as a slash fic writer, "researched" her subject therein, but the masses of purchasers of this stuff must be very un-savvy about either, or they wouldn't be buying it

Unless the book's success provides a kind of permission that otherwise wouldn't be granted. Doesn't 'Twilight' have zillions of middle-aged fans? Now we have 'Twilight' with kinky fuckery. I guess I will not condescend to even critiquing this. If this gets you off, so much the better for you. It's no worse than standard porn imo.

agreed, but there's a nice little blind where I don't have to see the people I work with looking at standard porn and all day long they're walking around with their noses in 50 Shades

yeah, i don't see anything particularly objectionable about this book, its audience or its success. as a "phenomenon" it's strange and a bit surprising, but no more so than any other internet enabled pile-on.

plus people like porn

Thanks for the insight

and for the sarcasm

I know it's not the same thing, but: I read all of the Twilight books. And hated them. My best friend was read them too...and while she mostly hated them, there was something about that world that she kind of liked...and she ended up joining an online community for Twilight fans, started reading all kinds of horrible fanfic, and made a few online friends. It didn't change her intrinisically except this was now a thing she liked, that she talked about with other people who liked it too. She was still the same person I was friends with before. You know? People can absorb themselves in really crappy things and not be horrible people for it.

It's a Twinkie. You're not eating it because of its nutritional benefits. I'm sure half the people who read the dumb book know how bad it is. I don't know that we should assume that we're the only ones who know better.

Sorry I'm journalling now, I'll shut up

Still really thrilled that estela mentioned me.

No, that's a good point. I doubt very many people think that 50 Shades is good, but they read it, nevertheless. I'm only turned off by its cultural ubiquity – I find its popularity mildly distasteful in the same way I'd find public Penthouse oogling distasteful. That probably marks me as a prude, and so be it.

i wasn't being snide towards you, i hope you know, i'm just enthralled by the all terrible similes in this book. xp

I doubt very many people think that 50 Shades is good

Now, see, I've seen multiple people on my FB timeline post that they do indeed find it "good" and, in some cases, "the best book they've ever read", unironically. Those people are out there. And, y'know, I don't begrudge my friends for liking what they like, but if one of them told me, in complete sincerity, that this was the "best book they'd ever read" - well, I'd have some thinking to do about how much I'd ever trust them again wrt to book/music/film recommendations.

I know it's not the same thing, but: I read all of the Twilight books. And hated them.

It IS the same thing, and I read those books, too, and I hated them, and so did p much everyone I knew, even though we all read them because lol publishing and being in the children's lit world and etc.

They also gave me outsider rage b/c of a lot of things, but majorly because of the reinforcement of mainstream/safe/approved values (in the original case a lot of sexual mores and religiously based conservative ideas) in the guise of giving you an "out" from those exact values. It's a bait & switch, and to me a really offensive one, profiting financially from an other, a forbidden world or bunch of ideas that might result in actual change if they were shared with any honesty, which they won't be, and also the profit of strengthening the stranglehold of the mainstream position because consumers of the media think they've glimpsed an "outside" and now they know what's there, when really they were just shown another scene painting.

I'm not putting this very well.

kinky fuckery for dummies

laurel I hear you loud and clear and you are v much OTM imho

why do you guys read things you hate? idgi

wait, I thought the point of these books being shit wasnt really about the validity or otherwise of the sexual dynamics, but THE TERRIBLE GODAWFUL INSANELY CHILDISH WRITING SKILL ON DISPLAY.

Well, I'm not going to read this one, but I had other reasons for reason the other series.

*for reading

lol shakey, surely you among all ilxors know the ego-gratifying qualities of hate

I mean from what I have read on this thread, I couldnt get turned on by this book even if it described my perfect fantasy, because the minute I got to an "ack" or "cripes" or "icecream dropped in my belly icecream" I'd be laughing too hard.

it's also kinda lol that so many people (especially dudes) are really getting high and mighty about how women have been flocking to some crude and artless erotica because, y'know, we're over here watching porn that has serious cinematic merit

Yeah tbh I couldnt care less about people finding the book a kinky read, for that reason. I *do* care about a completely not-edited, shitty fanfiction book getting published and selling like this because I hate fanfiction and the fanfic scene and want to set it all on fire.

yeah the mainstreaming of it is in and of itself pretty noteworthy and awful, just saying

we're over here watching porn that has serious cinematic merit

I only watch it for the interviews

amazing angles iirc

Yeah see I think if people want erotica there is already A HUGE AMOUNT of it out there (and lots of it is awesome!) and likewise if they want power-play or BDSM or to experiment with pain in certain contexts or w/e there is a lot of ground already broken for them by people who had to go outside mainstream thought and/or media and/or boundaries to create it or legitimize it or whatever. But the fandom around THESE books doesn't cognitively lead to discovering the real material, it just shoves junk food in the part of the self that was starting to have some ideas about maybe looking for something different.

If I dig down a couple more layers of logical complication, I think that is basically evil--boring, banal evil, redirecting people away from wanting anything they're not already being offered for someone else's profit.

some dude, it's the mainstream, bookstore-display, talkshow popularity & acceptance that's remarkable, not its shoddy sexiness per se.

p.s. i'll have you know i have downloaded some very artful porn in my time, thanks a bunch

the solution is obv to rid the world of soccer

soccer and hfcs

But the fandom around THESE books doesn't cognitively lead to discovering the real material, it just shoves junk food in the part of the self that was starting to have some ideas about maybe looking for something different.

If I dig down a couple more layers of logical complication, I think that is basically evil--boring, banal evil, redirecting people away from wanting anything they're not already being offered for someone else's profit.

― how did I get here? why am I in the whiskey aisle? this is all so (Laurel), Tuesday, May 29, 2012 3:26 PM (6 minutes ago)

eh, i see it as the sale of junk food to people who really, really like and want junk food. somebody's just managed to find a good way to inject some "racy" kink-sex into the equation. i imagine that if this book were different in any appreciable way, it'd be a good deal less popular. most books are a good deal less popular, after all, and it's not like there isn't other, more genuinely subversive erotica available out there.

Well, yes, there is that. Which is the best argument for pretty much dropping people who are really into junk food imo.

i keep trying to say this but idk if it really matters: the phenomenon of the books' sudden popularity is more complicated than it looks.

the media meta-analysis is "what is with this bdsm stuff being so huge now?!" but that's not really accurate. this is not "actual bdsm" emerging into barnes&noble, it's slash fiction

i'm sort of waiting for a salon article about for-real bdsm ppl rolling their eyes or getting huffy at all this, if it hasn't already been written.

It's the Pachelbel's Canon in D of erotica

ha that's great

the mainstream is the worst

the "debeers diamond song"

more like the taco bell canon mirit

cannot tell you how much i love pachelbel's canon in D

Which is the best argument for pretty much dropping people who are really into junk food imo.

let them have junk

Canon in Deeznuts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZn__5dT7qw

if ilx had avatars, i think 1:00-1:05 would be a popular choice.

SPLASH fiction

could SPLASH be the new *plop*

I'm half expecting this to be revealed as James Frey's latest project. Maybe this writer shouldn't write again, but she should be put in charge of the romance segment of a major publisher. However it happened, she felt, desired, and ultimately put her finger on the product that the pro's hadn't felt for her yet. Her solution was to give away the merchandise, build the interest, step 3, and then make a cover without a photo Photoshopped to look like a painting that resembled the cover of a romance book in the traditional sense.

My store has been setting record sales, but to Hunger Games fans. We don't have a good hand-sale for the next. We're weeks away. It's been fun, I'm drunk at the moment. I can't get it up anymore. When they ask for it, I always tell them they're already soaking in it.

I'm half expected the last post to be revealed as E. L. James's latest project.

Guys, I was standing next to this burly/fat mid 30s slightly smelly hispanic dude on the subway this morning, and I glimpsed, over his shoulder, on his iphone, a page of text with the word "jeez" and further down the word "Christian."

I find the entire concept of "subversive erotica" baffling

cumminists

stop right there

From each according to his ability, to each according to his need ...

the man said stop right there

ilx threads need a killswitch

Dictatorship of the Prostatariat

socialtits