Jokes that you didn't understand for years after you first heard them

I remember when I was a pretty young kid hearing the line "that was no lady, that was my wife," and yet I was probably in high school or college when it dawned on me what that meant, because (1) I hadn't understood that sense of the word "lady" and (2) I didn't get the general idea that people made jokes implying unhappiness with their spouses as a schtick.

I only got the "other" meaning of the "why did the chicken cross the road" punchline recently.

Wait what

Oh!

This is how my own grandfather told me the chicken joke.

For a long time the chicken and the road were allies, right from when the chicken was just a chick and the road just an alley. If farmers on their way to market should spill a handful of grain, the road would make sure the chicken was quickly informed of exactly where it was, and the optimal moment, traffic-wise, to dart across and peck it up. Reciprocally, when the sun made the road's skin itch, the chicken came and pecked at the affected bits, soothing the irritation. And if the sun beat down so hot that the road's tarmac began to melt, the chicken - ever considerate - brought leaves to shade the melting area.

It was jealousy that sewed the first seeds of conflict in the relationship. The road fell in love with a toad. I shall not burden you with the details, except to say that the road was a pervert who doted on rough skin, and the toad's skin was almost as rough as the road's own. Spluttering and muttering with rage, the chicken decided to act. She signed a pact with the sun, a great connoisseur of eggs. If the sun would shine with all his might upon the road, the chicken would furnish him with free eggs for a year.

And so the sun stored up a year's worth of heat and unleashed it all at once upon the road, which promptly melted, losing all its macho rough surface and returning, when hardened once more, as smooth as a baby's bottom. (At this point in the tale my grandfather would usually slap my buttocks playfully.) The toad - which was also a pervert who doted on rough skin - immediately lost all interest in the road, and moved on to a sleazy affair with a choad.

The road was broken in heart and mind. All day and all night he could only whimper, stammer and mumble continuously: "Chicken, why did you cross me?" The chicken - who was now the sun's mistress and lived in a glorious shining mansion on the other side of the road - started to make the reply "To get to the other side!" Unfortunately, she had by now begun to suffer from early-onset dementia, which caused her to forget what she was saying halfway through each phrase. So her response came out as: "Tog, tog, tog…"

It's a sound you can hear her make to this day as the hen scratches around.

When I was seven or eight or so my cousin told this joke:
Q. What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A. We really do taste like chicken.
Which I didn't get because I didn't what oral sex was until eight or so years later, OR how two women had sex together. I thought the implication was lesbians were cannibals but that did not compute one bit. I knew there was some missing information but I obviously couldn't ask anyone about it – I was sent home from school once for writing a story about elves where I mentioned they were gay and I knew adults were just weird about gayness. So it was one of those things I rolled around in my brain periodically, mainly whenever I saw a picture of two frogs.

only instance I had of this was the one about the two nuns in a bath -

nun 1: "where's the soap?"
nun 2: "yes it does, doesn't it?"

my dad laughed heartily at this & then refused to explain it to me.

I was once asked for a joke to tell some foreign students and that was the only one I could think of. It didn't work so well.

why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side?
no! to get the chinese newspaper.
...
d'you get it?
no
neither do i, i read the times

wait, how did you casually mention in a story that elves are gay?

only instance I had of this was the one about the two nuns in a bath -

i feel dumb because i don't understand it even now

Nunez it wasn't a casual mention, the story was called Two Gay Elves.

there are a lot of yahoo answers etc about that nun joke

yahoo answers, that's more my speed huh

no insult intended

I know it's not intentional. And what's worse, I just read about it on Yahoo answers, and I still don't get it

*no

I don't get the nuns one either.

Is it like a "no soap, radio" thing?

Where's (wears) the soap

I am somewhat annoyed with myself that my first reaction to that joke was "she's wearing soap? I don't get it... OH"

Its a (rather stupid, imho) play on "where's" and "wears".

apparently it's of a genre of joke about nuns being horny

wears as in slowly erodes through typical soap usage?

two nuns riding their bicycles on a cobblestone street
"i don't think i've come this way before"
"must be the cobbles"

remember in old issues of mad, where one character will ask the other 'by the way, how's your mom, ed?' i still don't get that.

is the idea that she's masturbating with the soap?

i think so yes

he, he

that doesn't make any sense, because it would hurt

well they are nuns

The cobblestone one's much better. I can't picture anyone saying "Wears the soap?"

surfactants and vaginal tissues don't mix

That joke makes me madder than a nun in a dildo factory

I am going to pretend it IS a no soap radio thing and the dirty explanation is a retcon like the different 'why is a raven like a writing desk' punchlines.

that's nunsense

that doesn't make any sense, because it would hurt

Force of habit, I'd guess.

why wouldn't she just use her hand! soap seems like a totally lousy masturbatory aid!

maybe because you can pretend that you're cleaning?

look i really don't understand catholicism

This is the kind of thread that gets revived years down the road and I think 'why did I type all that stupid stuff'

Force of habit, I'd guess.

― heated debate over derpy hooves (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, July 9, 2012 3:02 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Ouch!

Good title for a nun dominatrix porn btw

Sister Act 5: Force of Habit

i don't get most of these jokes either, but i laughed at 'force of habit'

that doesn't make any sense, because it would hurt

that fits right into the genre

my favorite entry:

Two nuns were riding their tandem bike through the convent courtyard, giggling loudly. The noise carried up to the Mother Superior's office, who rushed down the stairs and accosted the pair: "Sisters! This courtyard is a solemn place, please be quiet!"

"Yes, Mother Superior," said the two chastened nuns. They remounted their bike and rode off.

The next day, the nuns were riding through the courtyard again on their tandem bike. As before, they were giggling and carrying on in a most impious manner. Again, Mother Superior rushed down from her office and stopped them, shouting "Sisters! What did I tell you yesterday? You MUST be quite when riding your tandem bike through the courtyard!"

"Yes, Mother Superior. We're sorry, Mother Superior," said the nuns. Cowed and subdued, they remounted the bike and rode off.

The next day, the two young nuns again were crossing the courtyard on their tandem bike. Once again, they were making all kinds of noise and commotion; once again, the Mother Superior left her office and rushed down the stairs to stop them.

"Sisters," said Mother Superior, a stern expression on her face, "I have told you THREE TIMES now that you MUST be QUIET when riding through this courtyard. If I catch you making noise ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to put the seats back on that tandem bicycle."

"entry"

The only thing I like about these jokes is they remind me of 18th c gothic novels but other than that they're making me cross!

yeah I don't get most of these either

:/

and I had no idea that horny nun jokes were a thing

my nun joke is better when I tell it and can do my sexy nun giggle

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_in_the_Cloister

Dan has a sexy nun giggle.

My head is melting.

and I had no idea that horny nun jokes were a thing

― (✿◠‿◠) (ENBB), Monday, July 9, 2012 8:14 PM (46 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Think it's been a thing for centuries, like all women are always gagging for 'it' so anybody who was having to go without 'it' would automatically find a close substitute.
Think Boccaccio and Chaucer probably both make mention of it. & also the term 'nunnery' in Shakespeare's day appears to have been a common slang for brothel hence Hamlet shouting 'Get Thee to a nunnery' at Ophelia.
Also seems to be a standing/common fetish which is why you get sexy nuns outfits at halloween etc.

I still don't get the soap joke, because "Wears the soap" doesn't make any sense as a sentence.

Yeah, I don't doubt it at all. I've just never heard a nun sex joke before. Weird.

yes the whole joke is vexing in far too many ways

It's a fragment.

Well, no, its a sentence fragment, but it is basically, "what you are doing there really wears the soap, doesn't it?".

Like - That masturbatory rubbing, it wears (down) the soap. Or something. I think.

Yeah but say if someone was using a different masturbatory aid, you wouldn't ask them about the possible damage they were doing to said aid as a conversational gambit. "Heats the motor?"

No. It's definitely stupid. I wouldn't have figured it out on my own had someone not pointed out the where's/wears thing.

Ohhh, OK. I was reading "wears" like "wears a garment."

or "wears" as in "stuff you wear" or "it wears down"

i am officially pissed off at this joke

this is like a straight reënactment of my foreign students, it's uncanny

aspirated 'h' in "where's" kills the joke.

{Let me preface this by saying that I can't believe I'm actually thinking about this joke, let alone arguing the semantics of it... but...)

Yeah but say if someone was using a different masturbatory aid, you wouldn't ask them about the possible damage they were doing to said aid as a conversational gambit. "Heats the motor?"

to be fair, soap does wear quickly than most other possible aids.

I was thinking surely no one is history has ever used soap, liquid or solid, to masturbate, but then I remembered Bill O'Reilly and his loofah, and now I am madder.

aspirated 'h' in "where's" kills the joke.

thank you, Stewie Griffin

the problem is it's meant to be a double entendre, but one of the meanings is something that nobody would ever say, so it's really only a single entendre. a ton of American sitcoms do this, but in reverse (where the "clean" meaning is something that nobody would actually say in a real conversation)

the soap joke is definitely reaching

otoh the cobbles one made me lol

the soap joke is definitely reaching

is it ever

imo no one would say "wears" like that in the US, just "wears down"

btw I am now brainstorming a joke that involves masturbating with a duck

ok that was def funnier than the joke itself xp

rmde

Three nuns out for a walk in the park when a guy flashes them. Two of them had a stroke, but the other one couldn't reach.

ok that's funny

I saw the video for Mojo Nixon's "Elvis Is Everywhere" as a kid and put "anything by Mojo Nixon" on a christmas list, so my grandmother bought me Root Hog Or Die from the Sam Goody in the mall she worked at when I was 10. I would normally stop the album before this song (it's the next to last track), and it wasn't until 7th or 8th grade that I revisited it realized what this was about.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IzWBMIq9ko

A very sheltered priest was walking through a rough part of downtown when he passed a hooker. "Hey Father!" shouted the hooker. "Want a blow job? It's only five bucks!"

"'Blow job?'" thought the priest. "What is that?"

Puzzled, he made his way back to the church, where ran into the Mother Superior. His encounter still on his mind, he asked, "Mother Superior, what are 'blow jobs'?"

The Mother Superior looked at him and answered, "Five bucks, same as downtown."

Wait, why couldn't she reach? xp

Short arms?

I am so happy that I didn't hear that joke until I was old enough to understand it so I have no mixed feelings about its classic nature

so anyhoo the one joke i can remember from school that took me a few years to get ended with the line "them jam sandwiches was delicious"

do you know what took me years to get? the whole "drinking problem" gag from AIRPLANE! i didn't get that gag until i was in college, after many viewings of the movie where i laughed heartily at most of the other jokes.

it's still funny (id argue funnier) without the double entendre

a woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre

so the bartender gave her one.

so anyhoo the one joke i can remember from school that took me a few years to get ended with the line "them jam sandwiches was delicious"

THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE WORST JOKE IN THE WORLD

one of the dudes from NNCK told me a joke once where the punchline was "age before hootie." that was a doozie, let me tell ya.

xp yeah there's a reason i didn't tell it in full

'wears the soap' is very much a comprehensible observation

Also seems to be a standing/common fetish which is why you get sexy nuns outfits at halloween etc.

There's pretty much an entire genre of film, mostly from the 1970s, that focuses on nuns being frustrated, masochistic, etc, etc. The idea of demonic possession, and modern psychological interpretations of it, probably plays quite a large role.

I didn't get: "my father always said laughter is the best medicine, maybe that's why he died of bronchitis" until I was like 20. Its not like I was thinking about it throughout my teenage years, but as a kid I always thought the implication was that he laughed so much that it exacerbated his weak lungs until he died.

the airplane! joke i didn't get for a long time was the "you want me to check the weather, clarence?"/"no, why don't you take care of it?" gag

No results found for "them jam sandwiches was delicious" ;_;

'wears the soap' is very much a comprehensible observation

I can't imagine a US/Canadian native speaker saying this instead of "wears down the soap" or perhaps "wears the soap down".

I'm totally lost re: that Aiplane! joke.

I've found a potential candidate for the jam sandwiches joke but it has an extra punchline about peanut butter.

Two nuns and Cee-Lo Green out for a walk in the park when a guy flashes them...

"you want me to check the weather, clarence?"/"no, why don't you take care of it?"

i didn't think this was a pun... is it?

is it clearance

Careful, we're about to teeter dangerously into viking/sleep territory.

Im suprised so many people didnt get/didnt be amused by the nun soap joke. You cant get mad at the slight grammar cheat - its the point of the joke! Its just a play on words. I cant see why it'd be that vexing.

Maybe its a UK/Aus thing. Also I thought "naughty nuns" jokes were as old as the hills.

i think it's a UK/Aus thing

you guys are obsessed with nuns and masturbation obv

otm

actually the dude I know who has a tattoo of a nun masturbating with a crucifix is apparently in town now, saw him over the weekend. he's a statistical outlier for this region, though

"wears the soap" makes no more sense in the British Isles, FYI.

notm

i like "worries the soap" better.

still don't understand the weather clarence pun if there is one. i thought it was just senility humor?

"you want me to check the weather, clarence?"/"no, why don't you take care of it?"

Asking for weather clearance, guy being asked was named Clarence. I think the joke was transcribed wrong though, asker should have said "Can you check ..." for Clarance to say "No..."

Surely it's not that hard to understand...

ha! it still doesn't make sense as a pun. also the clearance/clarence oveur/over joke was in a different part of the movie so it'd be weird to use it again.

well now i'm doubting my own reading but i thought the joke was that the captain thinks "me" is a third person?

Ha, never thought of that. Was there a character named Mee?

Im suprised so many people didnt get/didnt be amused by the nun soap joke.

I first heard it watching a Kenny Everett 'too rude for TV' video at the age of about 10. Even with the visual aid of two nude women in a bath holding the soap I took a while to understand it. Of course, I was 10 and distracted by two naked women in a bath, so there's that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVq4_HhBK8Y

so what's the jam sandwich joke

as i remember it, it involves an unlikely scenario wherein a young boy is forced to hide in a sanitary towel bin.

sorry.

I remember a similar joke, where to my young brain the shimmering waves of rudeness more than made up with the later-realised implausibility, regarding a boy confusing an errant used condom for a donut.

Oh, there's also the "can you smell fish?" joke.

It's not rude.

Hang on. What part of sex is supposed to taste like chicken?

1) Frogs legs, when cooked, taste like chicken
2) Sex joke re lesbs involves "eat" etc...

or 3) The substitute for the post-coital cig for non smokers involves Pret sammiches...

i didn't get "time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana" until a few days ago when someone posted the list of antanaclasis examples in the wiki thread. i think i liked it better when i thought it meant "fruit flies like a banana does"

I got that Clarence was supposed to be clearance, what's confusing is that the first guy says "do you want ME to take care of it," so responsing, "why don't YOU" take care of it totally throws it off.

xpost and the third one "tits like coconuts"

"well now i'm doubting my own reading but i thought the joke was that the captain thinks "me" is a third person?"

Ahhh, I missed this, which makes much more sense, in a now totally belaboured way.

the first guy says "do you want ME to take care of it," so responsing, "why don't YOU" take care of it totally throws it off.

THAT is the joke

People gruffly and authoritatively saying things that make little sense is roughly 50% of the humour in Airplane.

Did you not see the post I wrote just above yours?

On a similar note that Flash card trick that was everything online fooled the hell out of me when I was 12. It was the "I'll show you 5 cards, now think of one and click here, your card has disappeared!" thing. It took me a good 10 minutes to figure it out. Freaked me out hardcore for a while there.

Oh, yeah. Just tracked it down. And, nur...

as i remember it, it involves an unlikely scenario wherein a young boy is forced to hide in a sanitary towel bin.

sorry.

― coopflaggypost (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 10 July 2012 07:01 (6 hours ago) Permalink

And then what?

he gets... hungry

My guess is that he ate a used sanitary napkin thinking it was a jam sandwich

Very funny and probable

take it up with the kid who told it me in Junior school

Sorry I'm missing something here, can you fill in the blanks?

NO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caGzgKEgDTc

what in the shit

britains got talent

I've been avoiding this thread for like 36 hours but MAN the beginning of it really delivered.

<3 u, Abbottt! Like everyone else, lols @ "force of habit" and "look i really don't understand catholicism ― du. duplass. duplass mich. (goole)"

Thanks to this thread I was in bed last night trying to sleep and my mind was racing to try and make up not-funny dirty nun jokes. And thinking about the history of nun pornography in the 18th c as anti-Catholic propaganda. Thanks puns; "age of reason."

get thee to a punnery

OH MAN

If I'd have thought of that last night, the spell would be broken and I could sleep. Fuck,

I found this one via google:

The Mother Superior called out to the dormitory floor: "Candles out, girls!"

*Pop!*

hahaha ew

Think it's been a thing for centuries, like all women are always gagging for 'it' so anybody who was having to go without 'it' would automatically find a close substitute.

― Stevolende, Monday, July 9, 2012 7:21 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Also the prurience involved in the whole imagining the desecration of virginal young girls thing. All the factors are making me that special combination of angry/grossed out.

It's kind of a weird dynamic when combined with some of the articles/book summaries I was reading after La Lechera linked that book about the history of sex in western civ.

I think, in short, that everyone's gagging for it, if we want some new stereotypes

I believe I have watched a series of short documentaries dedicated to examining that stereotype, across a range of nationalities and professions.

I mean obviously it's the person fantasizing about nuns masturbating all the time who's probably gagging for it.

what make them gag? jam sandwiches?

No, why don't you take care of it?

It does, rather (lather)

Also the prurience involved in the whole imagining the desecration of virginal young girls thing. All the factors are making me that special combination of angry/grossed out.

My one year in Catholic school (age 6) made me never think of nuns as young girls.

maggie smith brings all the boys to the yard