Bah Humbug - The Elf on the Shelf

This Elf on the Shelf business needs to die down a little. First, you can't call something that started in 2005 "a tradition." O gather 'round children and let me tell you the tradition of the Elf on the Shelf. It was a night that I was downloading Kelly Clarkson mp3s off of Limewire...

Second, yeah I get that the whole narrative of judging children on whether they've been nice or not has always been part of the game, but having a physical representation of Santa's unblinking eye hiding in the corners and sending back reports to headquarters? Just another way that adults in 2040 will think nothing of having government cameras monitoring them in their own homes.

And thirdly, don't touch the elf? Hey, here's a doll in the house BUT DON'T TOUCH IT. Don't hug it. Don't pat it. I get that this artificial rule is written in so [spoiler]the adults can move the elf to its next location[/spoiler], but it strikes me as rather cold.

I'm just so damn sick of hearing about this doll and booklet, available for $29.95 from all major retailers including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books A' Million.

I just learned about the elf on the shelf today while shopping at the mall. I agree with what you're saying. The relationship between Christmas and the concept of surveillance has always been disconcerting to me but it seems central to the whole enterprise. Santa is really just a children's version of God; a way of getting them used to thinking the paradoxical concept of an omniscient, judgmental being who is also supposed to be absolutely benevolent.

I'll say this in Santa's favor: unlike god, there are tangible, material rewards for believing in him.

http://www.iheartfaces.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Elf-On-The-Shelf-Ideas10.jpg

literally every single photo of these lies on a scale between 'mildly creepy' and 'utterly fucking terrifying'

http://chocolatecakemoments.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/christy-and-elf-on-the-shelf.jpg

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GLo795JFfpg

would lose my shit if something kept mysteriously appearing and reappearing around the house every day for a month.

http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5165/5275982120_2b914a80c2_z.jpg

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me

i'm imagining coming back to my room and finding like, hundreds of them, all perfectly posed.

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/481020_4771501576667_688643845_n.jpg

"isn't it cute, kids. DON'T TOUCH HIM."

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7010/6406074119_2bb9cefab5_z.jpg

"psst, Hey honey. Thanks for letting Madison ruin Christmas."

http://l.yimg.com/os/590/2012/12/07/68455-10151218281997961-887563704-n-jpg_194344.jpg

YOU CAN'T TOUCH HIM

i have to admit that i have no idea what elf on the shelf is

"Have you ever wondered how Santa knows who is naughty and who is nice? The Elf on the Shelf® – A Christmas Tradition is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list. This interactive holiday hide-and-seek tradition is perfect for children and families of all ages."

You take this doll, hide it around the house in different places for your children to spot with the whole idea being that the little fucker is keeping tabs on their behavior and reporting it to Santa every night.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me8dayj0b01r755nso1_500.jpg

i also just learned about this. all my 40-ish coworkers treated it as de riguer.

I'm pleased I could avoid it this long tbh. Now I know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCKdtBWT0Bs

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdglz6m5hG1r755nso1_500.jpg

Sometimes Dad helps out.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwf03tRbA01r755nso1_500.jpg

Srsly, this year can't end soon enough.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_meazfnmuJE1r755nso1_500.jpg

No results found for "elf on the shelf engulfed in flames".

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdglsfGMZe1r755nso1_500.jpg

I like to think of this one as more of a "before" picture.

...the fuc is this shit?! That creepy little "I'm waaaatching youuu peeeee" smirk. Dear god.

http://i.imgur.com/43MVr.png

this is the thread in which we watch pplains lose it completely

i'm right there with him, that shit is fucking creepy

bad enough that the doll is MEGA kewpie-doll creepy from the get go, nevermind the fact that he's(paus) Watching You (clap clap)

ugh

(pause)

Oh, VegemiteGrrlpaus.

elfin stalker looks creepy

lol nick :)

I found out about this thing last year and it really creeped me out for some reason.

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/c105.0.403.403/p403x403/66093_254199361374007_1063219755_n.jpg

It reminds me of that Twilight Zone episode about the Talky Tina doll.

YES

http://media-cache-ec2.pinterest.com/upload/287808232407366389_djwa3QqJ_b.jpg

Take that, Elf!

From the "about us" section on the web page:

The tradition begins when Santa sends his scout elves out to Elf Adoption Centers. Waiting for their families to bring them home, these patient elves hibernate until their family reads The Elf on the Shelf, gives their elf a very special name, and registers their adoption online. Once named, each scout elf will receive its Christmas magic and become a part of the family’s Christmas each and every year.

Excellent listeners and even better observers, these scout elves are the eyes and ears of Santa Claus. Although they cannot be touched, or else they may lose their magic, the elf will always listen and relay messages back to Santa. Taking in all the day-to-day activities around the house, no good deed goes unnoticed; these scout elves take their job seriously.

Chanda Bell is one of the true visionaries behind the best-selling book, The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition. A former reading and English teacher, her ability to hone in on the desires of the American consumer to create more meaningful family moments...

Christa Pitts is the business mind in the family owned and operated company that created The Elf on the Shelf. Before joining forces with her sister and mother, Pitts spent five years as one of the most beloved hosts on QVC, where her warmth and upbeat personality made her a household name.

omg the scout elves blurb makes me want to KILL MAIM TORTURE

"Occasionally a scout elf may be forced to rendition a wayward family member to one of our undisclosed 'black' sites. Know that your loved ones are in full care of our highly trained scout elves and will be returned to you safe and sound as soon as the desired level of compliance has been reached. Trust us, and you will have no reason to fear."

Santanamo.

Of my four siblings, I'm the only one with any true memory of my great-grandmother, who died in 1979 just before I turned six. Let me tell you about this woman.

Once when we were visiting her in Memphis, she told me she wanted me to see something. We walked past the bedroom and there was some (fake) dog shit. "Oh, look at that," she said to me. "Someone must've let a dog in here!"

There was no dog.

We walk past this couch/bench thing she had in her kitchen where there was a puddle of (fake) vomit. "Oh, no!" she said. "Someone threw up in here!"

The only people I knew of in the house was her, me, my mother and two-year-old sister. And none of them looked sick.

That's when we sat down. She took a bottle of Coke, popped the cap off with the bottle-opener that was screwed into the door-jamb, gave me the bottle and sat down next to me. As I started to drink from the bottle, she focused through a doorway of the kitchen toward another refrigerator she kept near the back door. And that's when I saw the (fake) hand sticking out between the doors.

She also had in her house above the curtain rods these golden cherubs, who at night when the lamp shone up through the lampshade and toward the ceiling, would cast very passive and blank judgement on whatever it was I was doing.

So yes, this thing stirs a few forgotten vibes in me. There's no way I'd introduce sentient toy elves into my home, having them appear over here and now over there to my children. It seems like the adults had a grand time thinking this one up, but there's no way a kid was involved in this invention process. If I'm a little unnerved by it all, I can only imagine how my five-year-old – who we sorta had to talk down the first time she saw Woody and Buzz go limp in Toy Story – would react.

The monkey with the bloodshot eyes, bared teeth, and clanging cymbals scared the crap out of me as a kid, but I wasn't permanently scarred by it. Kids need just a touch of fright every now and then.

pplains you're so otm about no kids being involved in this garbage

the condescension of it really pisses me off

I can guarantee you NO KIDS were included in the development of this thing.

http://www.mikecornelison.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/joe-biden-cymbal-crashing-monkey.gif

i am *this* close to flagging u for that JF

JERK I HATE U

Beeps' least favorite part of Toy Story 3 -- and that includes the part where all the toys are nearly incinerated.

That toy-guilt stuff ruins Toy Story imho. Can't the toys have an adventure without continually being under threat of getting chucked out, imprisoned, given away to bad kids or violated in one of dozens of ways? It's like fucking Vietnam. None of my children enjoyed Toy Story 3 because they were so stressed out about the continual threats of torture etc on the main characters.

As for the Elf on the Shelf, I've ignored the "naughty or nice" part of the Santa yarn with my children. It's only little kids who believe in Santa anyway so why give them more stuff to worry about? I am a hippy though.

Ugh my mother in law brought this up on the weekend - apparently all her friends' grandkids have one; I can only assume we will receive one as a gift from her eventually. My kids are too little for it still but even when they're older this will not be for us.

Through playgroups I know lots of families who have one and I think they're a bit mental, but some mums I've talked to have foregone the surveillance aspect with their kids and just done fun things like "oh look the elf drew you a picture last night!" Or whatever. I'm still not on board with pretending a doll is literally alive though, and vg is otm about it being super condescending and just really unnecessary.

I had no fucking clue what this thing was and now I'm super creeped out by it.

Whoah

They always said that clicking on strange threads late at night would lead me to a bad end. I never knew how right they were.

Buying some sort of doll for our son, showing it to him, then telling him he could never touch it would lead to like an ultimate meltdown. So cruel. Even setting aside the fucking crazy surveillance aspect. Of course, hey, the government needs to indoctrinate these kids somehow, right?

Once when I was five, it was near Christmastime and I was playing in my room. All of a sudden I heard my dad yelling from the living room and this clatter. I get up, run out to see what's going on. Dad's running back inside from the front porch and telling me, "Santa was just here! He left something for you, but took off before I could do anything!

He goes over to the fireplace, reaches up into it, and pulls out a rolled-up poster that turned out to be that one of John Denver posing with the Muppets. Right about then, I started to realize (maybe not in these terms) that holy shit, Santa Claus had just been to my house and I was too busy fucking around in my bedroom.

I didn't care about the poster. I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened and more importantly, what I had just missed. My dad was pretty pumped, and he had only gotten to see Santa's sleigh take off. The fact that this was happening on something like December 19 didn't even faze me.

Seriously, anyone who's pulling this shit on their children are either sociopaths or they're somehow that rare human that was never a kid to begin with.

Haha have I told the one about how my mom couldn't figure out why my little sister didn't seem to be looking forward to Christmas on the first year that she was old enough to understand what Christmas was? Eventually my mom found her in tears, wringing a blanket in her hands or something, terrified by the wrong-ness of a strange man coming into our house while we slept. Some reassurance was required.

It's like, Do you grown-ups hear what you're saying to us?

So who'll be the first here to have an elf on the shelf at work? He'll be like that monkey on the hat stand in the UK Office.

My dad pulled that trick on us all once, he snuck out front, hid behind a wall some way away and yelled HO HO HO, maye thru a toilet roll or somerhing, it sounded far away and hollow like it was.... oooh i dunno, UP IN THE SKY?

I *totally* bought it. Then later on at school I mentioned and got laughed at for still believing santa actually existed when I was in 3rd grade or whatever it was.

PP, I think you're ready for Festivus.

i was the last person in my grade to find out about santa claus

(whispers) grade 6

The cruel hoax known as santa abated early on for me, largely due to the kindly insistance of old siblings who tore the scales from my eyes.

http://i49.tinypic.com/2dkmwc8.gif

flagging u too z s godDAMMIT

;_;

At a very young age, I snuck down to discover my mom wrapping presents. Don't remember ever actually believing in Santa, but I'm sure I did.

My mom has very warm memories of seeing Santa outside her childhood house in the country. She thought those memories were fabricated until she was in her late 40s when her mother recounted the story of her aunt dressing up as Santa and walking through the snow around the house and into the trees.

it wasn't a hugely traumatic thing to find out about santa - I mean, I remember being upset, but then I still had a younger brother and sister. And Mum had asked me if I would be able to play a long for a while until they were old enough to find out. And I was so happy. Like, I could still behave the same way I always had. Nothing really changed. And even when my brother and sister found out, we all still got a kick out of saying to each other 'hey look want santa brought me'. Becuase I think we all sort of didn't want to be like our friends' families, where the kids are all surly and get money for christmas and get drunk at a club on christmas eve and go out wiht their friends after christmas lunch. christmas was always fun in our house, so we kinda had this weird unspoken agreeement to just keep it fun.

not in a creepy way. my parents never dressed up or put out reindeer hoof prints or anything like that. but I felt like I was lucky that I didn't have to really get that let down?

There are so many things wrong with this elf, including the fact that it doesn't officially wake up from it's coma until you register it online.

You are a grown woman, Stephanie.

http://i.imgur.com/kH8sK.png

...

Who's up for a little scatplay?

http://i47.tinypic.com/2cx998l.jpg

and

there

is

this

|
|
|
V

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/293220_514292148593009_1100191092_n.jpg

"Don't touch it."

oh my god

See also the squatting over a cookie one upthread.

http://www.blogspot.com/photos/elf_on_the_shelf_fisting_ball_gagged_cat

it's a running gag!

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/393049_10151342769616293_2060939532_n.jpg

Ugh my mother in law brought this up on the weekend - apparently all her friends' grandkids have one; I can only assume we will receive one as a gift from her eventually. My kids are too little for it still but even when they're older this will not be for us.

― franny glass, Tuesday, 11 December 2012 03:59 (2 weeks ago) Permalink

Yup, we received one yesterday as a gift. Even though my husband and I have already agreed on it creepiness and general unacceptability, we feined enthusiasm. So now I'm worried how to respond next year when she wants to know what we named it etc.

"His name is 'Boxy' because, guess where he lives!"

Box Hill

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Box_Hill,_Victoria

I think there's More to the No Touch rule than PPlains is willing to investigate. Think Santa requires a visit from the authorities.

Yeah, human services workers might want to use something else in their investigations.

"Now where on this doll did he touch –"

"DON'T TOUCH THE DOLL! HE WILL NO LONGER BE PURE AND MAGICAL IF HE'S TOUCHED!"

now the bloody thing is on my feed too
GET IT OFF GET IT OFF ugh

posted today:

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/pp201/sharonjoy666/D6BBD6C4-4454-496E-AC54-ADAC275EEBFE-1953-00000173221613F6.jpg

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8357/8267871198_7f8e421c1c_c.jpg

Finally, someone remembers the Reason for the Season.

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8343/8243932772_dd7a32b5fe_z.jpg

Coming up next: Genitals

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8204/8232570253_bceedc406c_z.jpg

Note the straw placement

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8057/8269767947_327c76ea7a_c.jpg
http://adventuresofagrownup.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/goodfellas_body_meat_freezer_09-300x225.jpg

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8489/8284431873_3b641ab1b5_c.jpg

God, Santa. No seriously. I can't tell you how much I love watching that girl swim.

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7161/6582609673_62cb402735_z.jpg

More syrup. Don't think that this Barbie is officially licensed by Mattel, if you get my drift.

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7014/6503669673_0605d1026e_b.jpg

*sighs* *puts camera down* *sobs*

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7168/6510917541_a413455907_z.jpg

jesus christ. I mean, i love christmas more than most normal ppl and I seriously want to murder these people so much

I have never heard of this.

http://www.lilblueboo.com/wp-content/gallery/elf-on-the-shelf-pg-13/elf-in-a-blender.jpg

They're airing the Elf on a Shelf special this year alongside The Michelin Man's Holiday Drive and Charmin's Dingleberry Bears' Christmas Pooptacular for maximum marketing synergy.

I'd never heard of the elf on the shelf until last year. Not I invoke it all the time, all year.

December 11, people. December 11.

http://alittlemoore.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/alittlemooreelf2013calendar.jpg

This is definitely the kind of thing my family would give us and if we get one, I'm sending it to pplains because I don't want the vile thing in my house.

Send it to me piece by piece, starting with the fingers, and we'll be ok.

then you will forever have a small vicious ghost in your house, the ghoul of the yule.

This is awesome! You all act like Christmas isn't supposed to be creepy...

I hadnt heard of this until earlier this week. When people are saying surveillance that is just figurative/epistemological isn't it? I was just getting an image of it being a recording device, like a baby intercom thing or something. Much too creepy but it would explain why one shouldn't touch it,

yeah i think so. to me the worst part is how blatantly it's marketed, like clearly xmas is already commodified beyond recognition but making a "tradition" out of something that was manufactured from day one to be a huge cash cow seems like a symptom of a larger problem

So it's cheap plastic crap. Looks like a doll from the €2 store. I should have waited until I had a better view of the photos before commenting, still I had it in my head that surveillance might be actual before seeing the thing.
Is this going to become a tradition or are the public going to wise up? How long does a fad normally last at the outside? Just wondering if it's still a fad if it lasts 2 or 3 years.

& are all the elfs the same? there aren't any ethnic variants are there? Must be doubly creepy to have the white boy looking at you if you aren't white.

Also how good is a pair of eyes permanently looking off to the side going o be at keeping an eye on things? They didn't this one through did they?

don't know if this makes him the ghoul of the yule, but maybe Ghost of the Christmas Roast

http://elfward.robinwoodphoto.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Elf-on-the-Shelf_0175.jpg

to me the worst part is how blatantly it's marketed, like clearly xmas is already commodified beyond recognition but making a "tradition" out of something that was manufactured from day one to be a huge cash cow seems like a symptom of a larger problem

I hadn't heard of this til I saw this thread a couple days ago, and to me the worst part is that I didn't come up with something like this. I'd love to cynically fleece people with a fake christmas tradition.

Finally, for once, Facebook comes through for me.

https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/q71/1493205_10153585717635494_1939651066_n.jpg

Note the 'death lights' in the background. Another totally authentic not-in-any-way-bogus Christmas tradition brought to you by XmasMegaCorp Inc. Also available in a flashing 'photo-epilepsy' edition.

Yup, we received one yesterday as a gift. Even though my husband and I have already agreed on it creepiness and general unacceptability, we feined enthusiasm. So now I'm worried how to respond next year when she wants to know what we named it etc.

― franny glass, Wednesday, 26 December 2012 17:37 (11 months ago) Permalink

Haha. We responded to this situation by conveniently forgetting it in the box at her place since last Christmas, and not bringing it up again.

Haaaa nice one.

I used to get a lot of tacky, inappropriate stuff from my step family that I would "leave" at my parents' house when I went back home after the holidays. Good tactic.

Waitamo:

Although they cannot be touched, or else they may lose their magic,

If the point is these things are santa's eyes n ears, then surely the *first* thing any enterprising kid would do is touch, nay, DESTROY the elf, that it may never get the truth back to Santa!

...or was I just a twisted little kid?

KILL THE ELF. IT KNOWS TOO MUCH

So what's Santa going to say if Dingles the Elf doesn't show back up to report on the Muldrew household? What if he sends MORE ELVES to investigate?

I don't think you've thought this through, Trayce.

Obvious as hell, but I LOLed.
http://i1301.photobucket.com/albums/ag118/floralefay/elfonshelf1_zpsb806003c.png

So what's Santa going to say if Dingles the Elf doesn't show back up to report on the Muldrew household? What if he sends MORE ELVES to investigate?

I don't think you've thought this through, Trayce.

Aw shit.

I have a pretty dope shelf elf. It's at least 50 years old (family heirloom). It goes on the bannister.
It's an actual doll, though. It's an elf on a shelf, not The Elf On The Shelf (tm). It looks kind of like Liza Minelli

I have one very smart and literate friend who has been posting these to fb, and I'm sort of taken aback, but at the same time I know firsthand how stupid being a parent can make you

Idk about this magic business, i just like to be festive.

these elves are so shitty. they all need big velvet coats with gold trim or something.

There are a lot people with posts today about Elf on a Shelf. First of all, I know not everyone likes it and that is okay with me. However, don't tell me that I'm not a Christian because I do Elf on a Shelf with my boys. That is not okay with me. I'm a Christian because I have asked Jesus into my heart and he is Lord of my life and I have a personal relationship with him. This is why I'm a Christian and it has nothing to do with Elf on a Shelf. That is my rant for today!

Unfortunately, the Elf knows what's in their heart - that they haven't really accepted Jesus into their life and are just pretending to be a true Christian.

This elf makes me hate christmas.

The Elf is YOU.

http://files.mom.me/photos/2013/10/29/135-54572-mensch-1383084459.jpg

When our elf first showed up at our house I knew my kids didn’t know the rules of not touching him, so I covered our front room door with streamer to block them when they first woke up. It is also how our elf on the shelf got the name Streamer.

http://i.imgur.com/q7frDRJ.jpg

what the fuck

which came first, manic passive agressive parents or elf on the shelf?

I'm thinking.......... manic passive aggressive parents.

“Elfing” Just Got Easy for Parents with an iOS Device. Elf Help is the Absolute Best Elf Planning and Organization Tool Available

JACKSON, GA (December 11, 2014) – As it is for many parents, the Christmas season is one of the most hectic times of year for Georgia mother Jennifer Symmes. When she considered introducing the wildly popular Christmas elf tradition into her family of four, she was excited but overwhelmed at the idea of keeping up with the “magic” every night for an entire month. Between real-life responsibilities of being a wife, a mother to two toddler girls and full-time work as a professional communications specialist, the idea of “elfing” seemed more like an extra chore than actual fun.

“But then I thought, ‘Wait! I bet there’s an app for that,’ ” said Jennifer. “I searched and came up with nothing. I was looking specifically for an app that would help simplify the tradition of daily elf antics with a customizable daily planner. I couldn’t find one so I decided to create it myself.”

Elf Help’s customizable daily planner is what makes the app truly unique and useful compared to any other elf-related tool in the mobile app market. Jennifer said “Elf Help is not a resource for finding ideas for elves. Elf antic inspiration is abundantly available through thousands of other online resources like Pinterest pages, blogs, Facebook, Instagram, and even other apps. Elf Help is different. It’s extremely handy because it allows parents to choose their favorite ideas from all that they see online. Then, they can easily organize those ideas into a daily planner with the option to enter simple descriptions, upload photos, and enter supplies that are automatically added to an easy check-off shopping list.”

Elf Help also features an important custom message reminder tool so parents don’t forget about the elf’s nightly return to and from the North Pole. To help protect the elf’s “magic,” ambiguous alert messages like “Teach the dog to roll over”, “Train for a triathlon”, or “You Know!” can be selected as reminders for parents to take care of “elfing” business before they go to bed.

For those who like to share, a photo and camera tool is available through the Elf Help app so parents can take pictures of their elf each day to archive and share online via Facebook, Instagram and twitter.

A secret parent pin code can also easily be set so the elf’s magic is always protected from young curious eyes.

“Elf Help is a practical and modern day solution to accomplishing a simple but magically memorable holiday season with the Christmas elf,” said Jennifer. “Every ELFING family deserves that!”

Arrrggggghhhhhhhhh opt out! Opt out of the elf! Opt out of burdensome holiday traditions that mean more work and less sleep! Don't get an app! Just quit!

Death to the elf on the shelf!!!!

I spent my childhood watching my mother drive herself to exhaustion trying to make every Christmas perfect while my stepfather grumbled about his modest "honey do" lists and drank beer and it was sad and made me feel bad and annoyed and I'm not going to do it. You know what that elf can kiss my ass on the shelf is what.

The whole Elf on the Shelf phenomenon has a forced, Hubbard-esque "invent-a-religion" whiff to it.

Judging by how many "hilarious" pictures I see of elves pooping out Hershey Kisses, even those who take part realize, on some level, that the whole enterprise is full of shit.

FUCK ELVES, #MontyThePenguin 4 LYFE. Santa's elves are obviously bullshit, as we know from Tolkein they are busy making treetop castles and taking down those giant elephant motherfuckers.

I think I need to start a poll.

Judging by how many "hilarious" pictures I see of elves pooping out Hershey Kisses, even those who take part realize, on some level, that the whole enterprise is full of shit.

I haven't posted as many pictures this year as I did when this thread first got started. With all the naked Barbies, weed and torture now depicted in a casual image search of "Elf on the Shelf", seems like the magic might have gone away on this one.

Elf on the Shelf is the new flag pin. "W-w-what do you mean you're not wearing a flag pin?!?"

really into the mensch on a bench tbh

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/style-blog/wp/2014/12/16/the-elf-on-the-shelf-is-preparing-your-child-to-live-in-a-future-police-state-professor-says/

Now I'm waiting for someone to create The Laddie With Zawadi

Second, yeah I get that the whole narrative of judging children on whether they've been nice or not has always been part of the game, but having a physical representation of Santa's unblinking eye hiding in the corners and sending back reports to headquarters? Just another way that adults in 2040 will think nothing of having government cameras monitoring them in their own homes.

Vindicated!

Also, didn't realize until now that this picture wasn't photoshopped.

http://img.washingtonpost.com/rf/image_908w/2010-2019/Wires/Images/2014-11-27/Reuters/2014-11-27T180140Z_01_NYK009_RTRIDSP_3_USA-THANKSGIVING-PARADE.jpg&w=1484

guy who stands outside of cvs all the time asking for money was there today and he kept saying "he's watching! who's watching?" trying to provoke people into saying "santa claus."

So there's 24 days of the advent calendar = 24 different wacky scenarios for EOTS. Multiply that by... we'll aim low and say eight years. That means 192 different wacky scenarios to be used.

So maybe you get to recycle one as "tradition" each year. Maybe you move to a new home in those eight years with a fresh game architecture. That's still 92 ways to fuck around with an elf doll you gotta come up with.

All that work and the kids will still hate you for this. Good job, elf people.

You could always just stage a wacky EOTS torture and dismemberment scenario over a number of days and then never have to worry about kowtowing to this scam ever again!

good luck, pp, I have a few magic-believing 12/13 yo students who are still freaked out they maybe killed elf on a shelf

You're kidding me.

Afwiw, there is no elf in my house a surprisingly low number of shelves, all things considered.

http://i.imgur.com/dCLxKCv.jpg

s/emptily/creepily

Also, why is he holding his hands in front of his crotch like that?

Probably freak out your guests if they can see his erection.

There's a rule when it comes to Elf on the Shelf: No touching.

That's why a 7-year-old Old Bridge, New Jersey girl panicked recently when she accidentally threw a ball and knocked over her Elf on a Shelf. Fearing that the Christmas magic was gone (that's an Elf on the Shelf rule, too) Isabelle LaPeruta made a desperate call to 911, NBC New York reported.

A 911 operator patiently told the frightened young girl that she can just explain she made a mistake and that no harm was done.

Police are required to visit a house where a child places a 911 call, however, even if it is just about a toppled elf. Once at the house, they found the girl in tears but were able to comfort her, according to Old Bridge Police Lt. Joseph Mandola.

"To her, it was an emergency when she touched the elf, and she's going to ruin Christmas, so that was her emergency," said Old Bridge Police Lt. Joseph Mandola. "In her mind, she did right, and it was fine with us."

The police said they girl apologized and won't call 911 again – unless it really is an emergency.

http://www.al.com/news/index.ssf/2015/12/girl_calls_911_after_knocking.html#

"We're happy that children are becoming more comfortable with notifying the authorities at the slightest indication on an aberration inside their household. Parents keep an eye on their kids, sure, but who keeps an eye on the parents?"

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http://dangerousminds.net/comments/fck_the_elf_on_the_shelf_heres_krampus_in_the_corner

I... I thought this was a joke at first. Like a Liartown gag, but no, you can really buy this.

https://i.imgur.com/7KzHxSQ.jpg

https://www.amazon.com/Elf-Surveillance-Santa-Camera-Dummy/dp/B0773S4KXM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511967511&sr=8-1&keywords=Elf+Surveillance+Dummy+CCTV+Camera

why is it called "dummy child surveillance camera"?

(also: "elves behaving badly" -- indeed they are, spying is not very elfin at all! but this too seems a strange up-front admission)

Because it's not a real camera - just a shiny black dome with a blinking red light.

I mean, a real surveillance camera - a cheap one - wouldn't cost much more than this thing.

One day the kids will discover they hadn't been recorded the whole time, a fake eye watching over them. Then their belief in Santa will disappear. Then they'll stop believing in God. Then they'll get caught shoplifting at Target because, hey who says those cameras are real anyway?

https://www.askideas.com/media/16/One-Ear-Funny-Scared-Cat-Face.jpg

i have never heard of this but it reminds me why i moved out of the united states

https://i.imgur.com/uLqBRDu.jpg

If I've learned anything from the movies this year, kids love festive charlatans holding red balloons.

if i saw that i would run screaming out of the goddamn house

https://i.imgur.com/8nOJ4eK.jpg

"Daddy, it's hugging me too tight!"

https://i.imgur.com/98RZREq.png

Note to any social media marketers out there: When the comments on your post are nothing but people tagging other people, you have struck gold, my friends.

Ok, Ronan Farrow. Good one.

https://i.imgur.com/EaZ02ci.jpg

Heroes.

https://i.imgur.com/6d2q87m.jpg

That's all I've got... for now.

https://i.imgur.com/F0IXwoX.jpg

That dummy survelliance camera is just a ruse to get all the younguns USED to being MONITORED all the time so the MAN can get away with the ORWELLIAN STATE

I love the picture of the kids jumping with joy that there's now a camera watching them

https://i.imgur.com/j8fPh7U.jpg

Poor guy

Dinovember is what we do instead, we just have dinosaurs doing goofy stuff and causing "trouble" every morning she thinks it's cute

Those kids are jumping for joy on the bed! This is a clear breach of household rule #34 and must be punished. Too bad they chose to enact their criminal deeds under the watchful eye of Dummy Surveillance Camera!

https://www.thecut.com/2017/08/cognition-builders-family-intervention-parenting-help-adhd.html

For God's sakes, let's not bring Rule #34 into this.

At a friends house and who do i see walking in but this fux0r hanging from the curtain

That cognition builders story, wtf

(xps to Karl Malone) David Bowie's "The Barfing Gnome"

https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/120204164_625933848316217_1136268561088120593_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=vF540pjFlwkAX_5tWUG&_nc_ht=scontent-sjc3-1.xx&oh=5a2489bc23b23c98d8fc6a9f6572bfa7&oe=5F95BD90

When the link dies: An EotS skeleton made out of chicken bones, with barbecue sauce on it. Text: "The elf was delicious, had the cookies for dessert. Thanks! Santa"

I guess that's ketchup, not BBQ sauce.

For hope in national politics, one must still look toward Georgia:

Robert Leonard, a judge in metropolitan Atlanta, is doing what he can to stop the tyranny of the Christmas tradition of “Elf on the Shelf,” issuing an order banning the tiny creatures from sitting and spying, then dropping lumps of coal in the stockings of mischievous kids in Cobb County.

tackling the important issues

He’s got my vote!

You will hide when I say you must hide
Elf on the Shelf

I was born for spying!