how do i shot wedding and marriage

i got engaged and i haven't had a goddamned second to think about anything yet, but i do have Qs on my mind.

kinda feel like i just want to do a courthouse thing and have a huge party afterwards that everyone can attend with bands and such. however, the kind of party/show i would want to throw would likely be unfriendly to our parents and the kids in the fam. i don't know. i feel like any wedding his family would like would be square as fuck and not me/us. my family probably doesn't care. how do i balance this? i want them to be involved, but i don't want to feel like i'm trying to please them with a day that's supposed to be exactly what we want.

maybe courthouse with fam and then a decent fam friendly reception, with depraved metal party to follow?

also my best friend is a man, and my best girlfriend is my sister but i have 3 sisters, so "bridesmaids" are like a huge headache i'd like to avoid altogether

andy has expressed that whatever i want is fine, but he personally prefers as little "pageantry" as possible. lol, same

congrats on the impending nuptials!

i'm no help though...

I have many thoughts abt this but I am in the middle of watching a movie where a rock band fights ninjas so I will have to get back to you tomorrow

you could have a family party and a separate friend/band party.

ty. also is this thread title dated ilx or what. does anyone even use this meme anymore besides me

i really should be watching the rock band ninja movie too...

we got married and then had a party at a bar in philly/big dinner at a restaurant a couple of months later. nothing depraved though. it was nice. we invited everyone to come to that. cuz they weren't at our wedding.

there are so many dumb traditions associated with marriage that represent things i hate, but i also feel like i might not feel strongly enough about the traditions themselves to really take a stand and refuse to participate in them (what they represent, yes, i feel very strongly - the traditions, idk, they feel detached from their origins in some cases). i haven't really meditated on any of this at length yet though because i totally was not ever the type of person to ever sit around and imagine what my wedding would be like. i have literally never given 1 thought to it.

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

like, the idea of a first dance in which everyone you know and love has to watch you do some dumb dance with your new spouse which you will never, ever do again and are only doing to fulfill an obligation, probs to dumb music or "the rainbow connection" or something at best - why would you ever wish that on anyone

the groom's cake, however

that is a dumb tradition that i would be pleased to honor

fuck pageantry, do your own thing. who says you can't make up your own rules on your day?

i for one have thought about my dream wedding and it is going to involve me in a stevie nicks/'70s cult-hippie dress, maybe with some kind of ecru crocheted shawl.

I'd say make concessions to the fam,but don't do anything that the both of you are too uncomfortable with.

i got married feb 1st.in front of 10 of wives fam and friends and my parents (via skype - I live in b.c. canada,they live in scotland) in a ceremony in a hotel suite.i wore semi casual navy shirt and chinos,wife wore a second hand dress she bought that mornin.i

It was nice,intimate and informal.which we liked.our reception is next month,almost 6 months later.it's going to be similarly informal.small hall,40 to 50 people including some far flung fam from both sides,free bar,buffet,dj playing music we like but that is middle-age-relative friendly,some speeches.

fuck a first dance,tbh.although I once heard of a couple having "nothing else matters" which our friends would find funny.

I have many thoughts abt this but I am in the middle of watching a movie where a rock band fights ninjas so I will have to get back to you tomorrow

Hey Miami Connection is THAT crucial.

i actually really enjoyed getting married too.i was p choked,in a good way,during vows.hope yours is a similarly pleasant time.

Two words: Dessert Cart.

Get a small cake for y'all to cut and do that whole thang, but a dessert cart for everyone else. Like a boss at our nuptials: "You know? I'm kind of feeling like an eclair for dessert at this fine wedding."

BLAM!!!!!

And so it was.

That's a pro tip tbh. The best wedding I ever attended served little individual sized pies of different types on tiered cake stands. Pumpkin, blueberry, rhubarb etc. Great idea

Married people: did you have a joint bank account before you were married? Does anyone keep this seperate even WHEN married? What are the benefits/drawbacks of each?

Not long after the wedding we settled into 3 accts, his/hers/ours. Kept it that way for 6-7 years -- by that time we had a better understanding of each other's spending habits and just rolled it all into one.

Congrats btw!

1. it is hardly ever about what the couple actually wants - we kept our wedding tiny so it would be all ours, and it STILL didn't work out that way and my MIL tried to pull the wool over my eyes about a couple of things.

2. i'm not a big believer in bridesmaids/matrons/bestmen, esp if you're not doing the whole traditional thing. just flag it if you don't want to do it. who cares. then ppl won't feel stink you didn't pick them.

3. a great photographer is pretty important imo. it's a special day - why the hell else are you having a party?? - and it should be documented for posterity. find a photographer that will take the kinds of photos you want. i think our photographer was about 90% of the money we spent on our wedding.

4. be straight up on your invites about gifts/registries/whatever. if you have a house full of stuff, tell people not to buy that shit. if you prefer donations made in your name, tell people. also there are some cool registries out there that aren't department store things (like you can set up a registry where people contribute towards your honeymoon. not sure of the websites, but one of my BFFs used something like that). my MIL told me it was ~gauche~ to state where our gift registry was on the actual invite, that it should only be relayed to guest by word of mouth, which kind of blew my mind. i think that is a stupid etiquette thing. and as a result we ended up with a gift of a huge lead crystal sculpture of a uterus.

5. personalized thankyou cards are a sure way to make you look awesome. we only had a dozen or so family at our ceremony, but a big brunch of my inlaws' friends the day after. i sent lengthy-ish (at least 4 sentences), and very specific/personal thank you notes to everyone, and those old people all ate that shit up.

6. bank accounts: this is a totally individual thing. we've had a joint account from the moment i moved here, and it's been so much easier, but that's bc ytth does all the bill-paying. plus i make a pretty paltry sum compared to him, so my paychecks go straight into our savings account anyway. tons of ppl prefer to keep separate accounts and just a joint one for the household. i don't think there's a particular right way or anything, it's whatever works best or makes you feel most comfortable.

congrats!

3a. if you find an amazing photographer who is super expensive, it's worth contacting them and trying to work something out: ytth knew i really wanted the best, but i didn't think we could afford it, so he secretly contacted this guy and worked out a cheaper deal - our wedding was in march and the "wedding season" doesn't begin till june or something, so he was willing to work for cheaper, and we also only had him come for a couple of hours, rather than the full 8 that are normally factored into his price packages.

7. it's just a wedding. the marriage is way more important.

fyi i regret almost every decision i made regarding our wedding (should have had it in SF, not fuckin chicago, then i would have had my actual friends there instead of a bunch of strangers), but who cares, my marriage is amazing and perfect. and our wedding cake was totally rad.

Biggest thing learned from mine: do what the hell YOU want. (not because mine was bad, but because it was kind of a difficult thing to realise that we COULD do things our way, and it was all the better for it!)
Making concessions to the family is kind of part of it but it shouldn't make you do anything you don't want to.

We didn't have a first dance either because what the hell even is that? Don't bother with bridesmaids if you don't want to, it's not like they do anything (sorry bridesmaids).

It's a great excuse to have a mad cake so do that obv.

I think you'll work out what you want, what you'll have to keep your/his folks a bit happier, etc. If you want to involve them you could give them a task to do or invite them to, idk, be witnesses or something?

btw I've never had a joint bank account in 9 years of marriage.

Whether or not to invite kids can be a difficult one but I have no problem with saying no kids, it's not like the kids partic enjoy it anyway.

a day that's supposed to be exactly what we want

this is the problem right here, a wedding is decidedly NOT supposed to be exactly what you want. the wedding is for your family, the entire rest of your life together is for you, pretty fair division as far as I'm concerned.

Sunny and I had a month to put together this once-in-a-lifetime event. Had in the lobby of this "historic" hotel (that's now government housing.) No bridesmaids. No best men. No DJ or band. No professional photographer. Cake, we did have cake though.

And I have to say, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Just wish I could've enjoyed it a little more rather than posing for 100000000 photos with different combinations of our extended broken families.

We've just got the one account now. There was too much robbing Peter to pay Paul going on, writing checks to ourselves from one bank to another to cover something.

You know I work for a bridal magazine, right? Here's a wedding that was pretty metal, at least for a couple of blue-bloods. The bride even wore black.

this is the problem right here, a wedding is decidedly NOT supposed to be exactly what you want. the wedding is for your family, the entire rest of your life together is for you, pretty fair division as far as I'm concerned.

― Guayaquil (eephus!),

this makes me sad & is what i hate about weddings. my sister is getting married in a year and i hope my parents don't ruin the wedding with demands. (they won't!) why is it ok for parents and in-laws to feel entitled to have what they want even if it makes everyone important miserable and poor. i like the courthouse wedding ---> reception ---> depraved metal party idea. i think roxy answered her own question.

Roxy I'm super happy for you and as a gift, I will give you 0 advice about how to do your wedding. Just do it however you want.

I'll have a decade of marriage under my belt in December, and I'll refrain from giving advice about that too. Just do what works for you without handwringing or remorse. It's your life! Enjoy it!! Cheers to you both!

congrats!

i had a pretty great wedding experience, semi-traditional in a lot of ways but we tailored every aspect of it that we could to stuff we like, stuff we knew our friends/family would enjoy, in terms of location/food/ceremony/music. i think my best advice would be: indulge yourself, but remember that you don't wanna look around that day and see half of your loved ones bored or rolling their eyes or leaving early (unless they're old jerks and you don't care what they think or w/e). it's so much more fun to just keep the good vibes going and see everyone else enjoying themselves as much as you are, y'know?

also, i'm glad i just programmed all the music for my wedding (again, balancing what i like with what people would actually enjoy and dance to) and didn't try to get a band or anything. i feel like turning it into a concert or something would turn it into a hassle and not the kind of wedding day i'd wanna have -- you take so much time preparing, and it goes by quickly, it's more fun to be able to just hang out and talk and eat and dance with as many people as you can while they're all there. maybe you could do a day wedding and then an after-party/concert thing at a nearby club, or a show the next day or something?

our wedding was on t.v. so i had this guy dupe a zillion vhs copies of it and we gave one to everyone at the party we had after the fact. great party favor. if you had a wedding before a party (a wedding that not too many people go to like at a courthouse) you could film it and give everyone a dvd of it. cuz nobody has a vcr anymore.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/521462_10151590483387137_792656380_n.jpg

A wedding may seem like its all about you two, but really the whole point of doing it is that you do it publically and include your community in what you are doing and what you're saying to each other about your futures and your commitment to each other. It's up to you guys to define who is in your community, but if you end up making family members feel like they are being held at arm's length, they'll feel it, and you should be prepared to live with having defined them as less important to you than your present set of friends. Sometimes that is the correct approach, but only you two can figure that out.

I'd counsel you not to make those decisions solely on the basis of avoiding hassle, but again, it's really up to you. It's kind of a defining moment, whichever way you go, so there's always going to be some stress over these kinds of decisions.

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Saturday, June 22, 2013 1:33 AM (15 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

my wife was v. insistent on no first dance where everyone was watching us; this was solved by me stepping up to the mic and asking (demanding) that all couples in attendance join us for the first slow dance. it was a great rush watching everyone spill out onto the floor.

i did all the music, we asked everyone to pick a song on our rsvp cards, shockingly about 80% of the responses were usable and made it onto the playlist, and i got a lot of nice comments about the music. we paid the brother of one of the bridesmaids 300 bucks to watch the laptop and keep an eye on levels and stuff.

i don't really have any strong thoughts on bridal parties, i did have one friend who was my best man and would have been hurt if we had said "no bridal parties at all" so ultimately we had 4 guys and 4 ladies and that was fine.

Married people: did you have a joint bank account before you were married? Does anyone keep this seperate even WHEN married? What are the benefits/drawbacks of each?

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Saturday, June 22, 2013 2:36 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

we have a joint account that is basically her account at my bank, which makes for quick and easy transfers when one owes the other money or is kicking in for a bill or whatever -- i think that's hugely convenient, because otherwise we'd be writing each other checks or struggling to keep track of that stuff. otherwise, i don't really think completely uniting your personal finances is for everybody, and i don't do it anymore than i have to (i regret deciding to file taxes jointly, because as a freelancer i always owe way more than her and it's not really fair to her to deal with that). but we've been basically broke for our entire marriage so far, it probably makes more sense to pool assets together when you actually have assets and own a home and stuff.

We've done our finances several different ways since we started living together. We finally decided that what worked best for us was to have both individual accounts that we could control for personal expenditures and a joint account for everything else, with clear agreements about what money belonged where. The less money we had, the more important it was to be really clear about it.

we didn't have bridesmaids/groomsmen per se -- we each had like seven people stand near us and wear whatever they wanted (as long as they didn't look better than we did). there was no hierarchy; my stepfather was one of mine.

neither of us came under pressure to do anything particular -- her family was too fucked up and mine was just grateful that someone seemed to like me. i would say the best part was having a reason to get all our friends from around the country to come hang out with us. and also the pie. so i guess i would plan the type of party you think both you and your friends would like.

i don't think it's a big deal to not invite kids? i dunno. we hired a babysitter, but i feel like that was above and beyond.

suggestions:
- invite bill steer to perform the ceremony
- bernard as ring-bearer

I have had this discussion enough times on ilx so I'll shut up but 'writing each other checks' is like something from the 60s! I guess if you have to do that (we didn't even inthe US) a joint account makes more sense.

A lot of people are "no kids"! I can see it if its an evening thing. I dunno, the only wedding I had a hand in planning as my sister's and it was in our yard so kids just ran around playing and if they got tired someone put them to sleep on a couch and there were lots of parents and aunts to watch them. If you end up having it in a rented space etc I can understand and adult music, late party, booze, I can understand leaving kids out tho.

i didn't really care one way or another about the photography tbh, but my partner found this documentary photographer who did weddings as a sideline. he shot in black and white, entirely candids, and it turned out pretty grebt. (except my mom is in way too many pics with this dewy-eyed omg-my-son-just-got-married expression.) all those posed shots with every possible family subset is party time wasted imo.

also i reckon you can set up a flickr or instagram account so ppl can share their own pics of the blessed event

congrats, roxy!

imo the wedding is primarily for whoever pays for it, so do what you want unless somebody else is coughing up the lion's share. we had a brief ceremony at the location but most of the night was dancing (populist but not too bland - "rock lobster" not "love shack") and stuffing people silly. as far as finances go, i figure eventually people'll both be digging out of the same pot but no reason to rush the sense of entrapment that until it becomes necessary due to joint purchases or whatever. sd's freelancer chivalry aside (dude hope you're taking advantage of the expensing potential!), married filing jointly is usually smarter that not.

So happy for you, roxy :)

However your wedding day plans go, try to set it up so you guys have as little stress as possible. I'm all for small group courthouse, family thing, massive afterparty - pretty much how my brother and his wife did things when they were married last year. Ceremony on Thursday at a campground for family, we all stayed the night and had a cookout reception. Then Saturday party w/ bar and cake and food and band and dancing at a club venue my brother's band played at frequently - which blended into a CD release party for another band and then into the rest of a long partyful night.

Me and Mr. Jaq have separate accounts and split up the bills - do what works for you.

yeah congrats Roxy. seems like a lucky fellow!

your wedding day is the day for you to do exactly what you want to do. everyone knows the bride is the boss so make it a day they wont forget. good luck!

congrats, roxy!

this is the problem right here, a wedding is decidedly NOT supposed to be exactly what you want. the wedding is for your family

― Guayaquil (eephus!)

haha yeah not if im paying for it and planning it. they attend and celebrate our blessed union or lump it/take it up the street and dump it as far as im concerned, after reading y'alls responses and thinking about it more. i love both of our families but planning a wedding to someone else's idea of what a wedding should be (esp someone who has completely different taste and values from you) sounds like the most stressful and regret-generating thing ever. they love us and will accept what we do, i'm sure, so it's kind of a non-issue anyway

pp i had no idea you worked for a bridal magazine. kinda intrigued by this theme tbh

just as long as your values include an open bar

there will definitely, without a doubt, be no "first dance". that sounds like the least enjoyable thing that could ever happen in a life

We were married downtown at the Baltimore courthouse. The only witnesses were our son and my father-in-law. We were all kinda biz-caz. My kid was wearing a Tony Hawk hoodie. After, we went to a diner and had spanakopita or whatever. Then we went and bought rings in a strip-mall out on route 40. We have not gotten around to merging all of the accounts and stuff, or even legally changing her last name, because what a hassle, you know?

Married people: did you have a joint bank account before you were married? Does anyone keep this seperate even WHEN married? What are the benefits/drawbacks of each?

Marriage number 1: his/hers/ours accounts. Worked fine. Significantly different incomes, so we each put in same % (not dollar amount) into the ours, which went to common expenses like rent, etc.
Marriage number 2: one account. Also works fine. But was a royal pain in the ass to consolidate, especially all of the various and sundry bits of 401(k)s we had accumulated over multiple employers each. We are more or less equivalent in income and spending habits, which helps. If there is a significant differential in either, the his/her/ours model is one I very, very strongly recommend.

changing name: no

his/hers/ours seems like a great idea

Yeah, that was great. Never ever had arguments about money, ever, which can be a big prob if you have different spending habits (even if consummate with income differences). Also:

Marriage number 1: wanted wedding to be what we wanted. When (my) family were pains in the ass about it, we did the courthouse thing and then got the families together for a dinner at a nice restaurant a couple of weeks later. It was fine for us, but parents were totally bummed that they were not there.

Marriage number 1: older, questionably wiser. My family learned the lesson from marriage number 1 and were just delighted to be there, no interference. Had the wedding at our (small) house, which was very effective in giving us complete and utter control of the very small guest list. Decided that our priority was getting the families (who had never met) together, period. Guest list limited to parents, siblings of parents (aka our first-degree aunts and uncles, with spouses), our own sibs (with SOs, thankfully we only have one sib each), and would-kill-for friends, ten total. So about 35 people, many of whom I will never see again until funerals TBRR. Drinks and cheese at the house after, then walked down the hill for a nice dinner in a private room. Mission accomplished, had a work colleague do photos and never really bothered looking at them--just sent CDs to the parents. Mission accomplished. Blissfully happy (truly).

Another scenario that dear friends did: courthouse ceremony with only parents and siblings in attendance (with spouses). Had a photog take courthouse pics; they selected a really lovely nice shot and included a print in the invitation to mega party months later, at their (large) place in DC. Immediate family and the friends who had flown in from out of town (as far as Tokyo!) invited to a dinner the night before at a Himalayan restaurant--anyone who asked about registry was directed to a honeymoon website for contributions toward their Nepal honeymoon. Great party (catered, with hired bartender) the next evening, then everyone left late-night was issued a drink ticket to a nearby bar so they would gtfo. Excellent plan and execution, everyone had a blast, including bride and groom.

Oh and for wedding #2 I had a killer red dress made in exactly my favorite kind of style and wore a black fascinator with a bit of black veil. Whole thing, custom-made in gorgeous silk, cost under $400 bucks and I have since worn the dress to like a billion weddings/other cocktail-attire events and break out the fascinator every year for a great Derby party that we attend.

"how do i shot wedding and marriage"

wait, did you really want to know how to shot marriage too? cuz that's a whooooooole other weird thing. may god have mercy on your soul.......

yeah wedding and marriage have only the most barely tangential of relationships ime

lol, you guys are all awesome.

we got married by some lady we found online, in our apartment, with family and v v close friends present. pat played the harp. then we took everyone who was at the wedding out to lunch, and then had a party at a bar later for all our friends & our family. this way our families got to be there for the intimate/special part, and it wasn't in a courthouse, but everyone still go to hang out together later. it was quite nice imo.

my family is a BIT bigger than hers, but none of us has tons of family. it helps that a lot of her family are far away, so just her sister & her sister's husband and their kids came. but all my family are nearby and if i was gonna just invite my mom/dad/sister i kinda had to invite the grandparents, and then the aunts and cousins... but it still wasn't huge. ymmv with this. if we had a backyard, we prob would have gotten married there.

i went out and bought a suit to get married in and promptly changed out of it into shorts & t-shirt cuz it was 100 degrees in august. still have never worn that suit a second time.

we still have separate bank accounts though... maybe we should consolidate.

i am certain i will have questions about marriage too that's why i included it in the title! iirc my banking q falls under that category

marriage advice totes welcome

But I don't like to give nonspecific advice! It makes me feel like a pontificating asshole. As for the finances q, we do hers/his/ours accounts and it works great for us.

our wedding was mostly paid for by my wife's dad and we were compelled to have a somewhat hippie Jewish ceremony ( the halfway pt between what my FIL would have wanted and what we wanted, one on hand a scenario wherein I converted and attended temple every day with him and on the other a completely religion free whiskey soaked boozy event.) anyway it was great. We even managed to sneak the pogues' "whiskey you're the devil" as the second part of the hora. And the dj was great.

My advice is make sure you eat your fill of food before you have your fill of drink (it's easy to forget to eat after the wedding) and take a few minutes after its official to wander off and alone time with just the two of you. Like do it right between walking off and beginning the reception. Just five min to chill and process. Also if you don't invite kids that's cool, not a big deal. I don't think anyone would or should take offense.

Congratulations obv!

not so much sweeping grandiose advice about big picture stuff. more like "pro tips". haw. like the his/hers/ours accounts - that's a good one. but mostly i will ask stuff as it occurs to me i guess

hippie jewish ceremony sounds p fun!

we're in the process of combining accounts. i rly don't think i can be trusted to manage his/hers/ours at this point in my life. she's a good check on me :)

Here's what we did, and do—take as much or as little from this as you like.

We were married on a Friday evening in June by the mayor of a town neither of us grew up in, on 10 days' notice (that's how long it took for our blood tests and paperwork to be processed). I was 21, she was 20. In attendance: Her parents, my dad and stepmother, my brother, and two friends of ours who we don't talk to anymore. Her parents paid for the rings; afterward, my dad took us all out to dinner, then we went home, which was my wife's room in her parents' apartment. (We got our own place a month or so later.) We both went back to our crappy retail jobs the next day.

We have a joint bank account, and a single credit card (we had multiple cards in the past, but paid them off and cancelled them). For a while now I've been the only one of us working, though there have been times when we've both had jobs. We don't have any kids, a factor I honestly think has been crucial in preserving the relationship and our mutual sanity. We celebrated our 20th anniversary a little under two weeks ago.

I guess I have an idea -- we put all mutual expenses (housing & utilities excluded) on shared cc that we pay off every month. It's a way of tracking expenses, reaping max rewards for spending, and sharing responsibility. Once we used the cash back from the cc to buy a new computer.

the biggest ongoing argument my wife and i had over the years was about bunting. i held that while there is in general too much bunting, a major league professional baseball player should be able to bunt and know where to bunt in a given situation. she felt that it was more difficult than that and that players are not suitably practiced in the process. i mentioned that from a young age when taking batting practice i was made to bunt toward first base and then toward third before being allowed to swing away. she thought my experience was irrelevant to the conversation. also she is a yankee fan.

anyway, i trust that you and yr groom will be better about these things. phillies tho, jeez

well we're in different leagues so we don't fight about baseball that often tbh

phils/sox

we disagree on whether or not "elegant" is an appropriate adjective to describe tim lincecum's pitching style

<3

my wife has a tim lincecum obsession, ever since she saw him pitch in the 2010 World Series. she has always had a bit of a "thing" for hesher dudes.

suggestions:
- invite bill steer tim lincecum to perform the ceremony

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbo-FBLdMH8

fwiw my take on the "what we want" vs. "what family wants" is that it should be something like 70/30 or 75/25 or even 80/20, unless you hate your/his family with justification in which case fuck them. If you're bothering to have a wedding at all, you're kind of conceding that you're having something that's not "just" about you imo.

You can have fun with it, though. We were married in a church (MIL paid for a large amount) but I walked down the aisle to a Modest Mouse song, carrying a bouquet made out of hair clips! I did not get a child in a bear costume to be my "ring bear" however. Compromises!

but i also feel like i might not feel strongly enough about the traditions themselves to really take a stand and refuse to participate in them (what they represent, yes, i feel very strongly - the traditions, idk, they feel detached from their origins in some cases).

this is how they get you

obv its not "just" "about" us but its planned to our taste and not someone else's

i mean if it was just about me i would marry myself and invite no one. it's shitty to try to convince someone they're being selfish by staying true to themselves with their wedding imo!

(btw ned knows how to shot things)

!! <3

it's shitty to try to convince someone they're being selfish by staying true to themselves with their wedding imo!

I don't want to belabor this unnecessarily but I guess I don't even know what it means to be "true to yourself" at your wedding -- a wedding isn't a self-expressive activity! I mean, obviously, you shouldn't have a wedding where you pretend to be Hindu if you're not Hindu, but I don't feel like that's what you mean. If somebody invite your whole family to your wedding and serve them food you know they won't like because it's "truly them," that really is selfish imo. But I don't actually think you're planning to do that! I think "courthouse with fam and then a decent fam friendly reception, with depraved metal party to follow" sounds awesome.

also, at least for us, joint bank accounts and everything done jointly immediately upon marriage but not before. taxes filed jointly, no oversight by either of us over what the other chooses to spend, just all one pot out of which we draw as needed.

The thing sunny and I argue about most is whether the letter 'y' can act as a vowel or not. I won't say which one of us is on which side of the argument since the person who thinks 'y' is never a vowel would be shamed forever. But that said, one of us will also vouch for 'w' even being a vowel sometimes as well.

Also the money. Good lord the money.

If "y" cannot be a vowel then "rhythm" must be a voweless word.

^^ Apparently that shoud be spelled "vowelless".

My number one suggestion abt weddings is that if somebody wants to do/pay for something, let them. The only roadblocks we had wrt stuff for ours were trying to nobly refuse charity and then dealing with bummed out parent etc damage control, which disappeared one we were like "yeah fine, pay for the booze/invitations/whatever.

Also

1. Make your own mix. You know what people will deal with, and what sorta classic stuff you are down with that will please the olds.
2. Get on top of your venue, and watch for bullshit charges for stuff like cake-cutting etc. Rent/bring your own PA. Find a venue that allows you to bring in your own booze. Avoid anywhere that charges you stupid $$$ for keg fees, or preferably avoid them by buying everything in cans/bottles. Make sure the venue knows that you are taking any left over cans/bottles/booze with you when you leave, and assign somebody to do that, because what's up dope honeymoon/recovery week/bacchanalia. Make sure you can return unopened wine/champagne. Seriously. Do this.
3. Assign someone to do all the shit you think you are going to do at the end of the night. Because you won't. This includes loading up gifts/cake/edible leftovers/flowers/booze/cleanup/cake toppers/whatever.
4. Make someone with a car responsible for getting you back to wherever you are staying. No passengers or hanger ons allowed. Don't trust the goddamn hotel shuttle. You will feel like a dick standing outside the venue wondering if they forgot about you or bailing while uncle joe is trying to tell you how good you look, because they don't show up on time. EVER.

the biggest ongoing argument my wife and i had over the years was about bunting. i held that while there is in general too much bunting

Thought you meant
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_p4PTL1wC-QQ/THO9D6KAIgI/AAAAAAAAAmY/R9Bz6ct5TX8/s1600/bunting.jpg

Eephus, please. I am not going to purposefully make people eat food that only I like. I hope that you are just willfully misunderstanding me at this point tbh

To "be true to yourself at your wedding" in my case means not to have my father "give me away" to my husband just because his family wants to see it. Etc. Obviously, I would think, if you've read this thread

how about you compromise and have a father-daughter dance to "Give It Away" by RHCP

best wedding I've ever been to: bride and groom getting married at the registry office with just family in the afternoon, then have a dinner for everyone that night

cocktails were included and I made it through three long island iced teas before the entrees got served, so there was no way that it was going to be anything less than awesome

however, the christian parents of the groom left relatively early on after early-90s songs that hinted at sex got a spin after dessert was served

3. a great photographer is pretty important imo. it's a special day - why the hell else are you having a party?? - and it should be documented for posterity. find a photographer that will take the kinds of photos you want. i think our photographer was about 90% of the money we spent on our wedding.

this is the one thing we really cheapassed ourselves out of and I don't wanna be too harsh on mother imago but yeah seriously make sure it's someone who at least knows about light levels, shutter speed and focusing

and doesn't disappear a couple of years down the line so you have no way of getting more copies
i.e. prpobably not someone based out of the local hairdressers
(still bitter, it was the one area we let my parents sort out and we really should not have)

We had a super traditional wedding in the campus church where we sang as undergrads, with the service performed by the associate minister from our undergrad days. We got about thirty of our friends to sing a bunch of our favorite anthems and had the reception at a boutique hotel with a large ballroom that turned into a huge dance party. My takeaways from the experience:

- Make time to eat. Our strategy was to eat for the first few minutes after a course came out, then circulate among tables until the next course came out.

- Accept help. We were determined to do everything ourselves and were having serious venue issues as a result. Finally we allowed my mother-in-law to set up a meeting with a wedding planner who got us into said boutique hotel for under our budget. She also did our invitations and our flowers; anything she didn't do, we didn't have to pay her for (like music, which we were all over).

- Pick your battles. There will be something that will come up which will cause conflict in the planning stage and you have to realistically assess whether it's a dealbreaker or just an annoyance. It's semi amazing how flexible your vision for the perfect wedding can be when everyone is having a good time. That being said, it's still your wedding. Don't do things that will make you want to call the whole thing off.

Congrats again!

To "be true to yourself at your wedding" in my case means not to have my father "give me away" to my husband just because his family wants to see it. Etc. Obviously, I would think, if you've read this thread

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Sunday, June 23, 2013 6:09 AM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I had both of my parents walk me down the aisle - one on each side - because my they're both equally important to me and because I was really uncomfortable with the whole giving away thing.

The thing sunny and I argue about most is whether the letter 'y' can act as a vowel or not. I won't say which one of us is on which side of the argument since the person who thinks 'y' is never a vowel would be shamed forever. But that said, one of us will also vouch for 'w' even being a vowel sometimes as well.

there is an easy answer to this question, but i don't want to ruin your marriage by raining shame down on either one of you

Enbb that is the best idea and thank you so much for bringing it up. Why didn't I think of that?!

Also dip great advice all around!!

we both had our parents go down the aisle with us at our wedding, which was nice for all of them I think.

:D No problem and, yeah, I think they really appreciated it too.

We hired a wedding day Cordinator, pretty much just so that he would order a pizza at midnight. I highly suggest midnight pizza, but order more than you think you will need, because we didn't get any slices. The Coordinator should have saved us some, but didn't. :(

Sorry, using phone dictation and my phone apparently thinks Cordinator is a very important word. And doesn't know how to spell it!

Congrats, Roxy!

As someone who's had two weddings, two marriages, and two divorces, I'm either very well or not at all qualified to comment on any of this, but I agree with the overall ideas that a.) you should do what you want, and b.) none of it is worth having big fights and hurt feelings. Figure out what's most important to you, to him, and to any immediate family or friends, and probably there will be ways to accommodate all of them. I totally endorse the idea of a post-reception after-party -- it's a good way to narrow the crowd to the people you really want to hang out with, get out of your wedding duds and just spend a little while relaxing at the end of it all. (NB, the after-party doesn't have to be the same day or night, you could always do it a week later if that fits your schedule better.)

On finances, I've done it both ways, joint and separate, and I think that arrangement matters less than how much you trust each other. I do think it's worth agreeing on the details up front, so everyone understands the expectations. I think a lot of problems come from not wanting to talk about it or figuring that somehow it will just all work out, which tends to leave one or both people feeling resentful or guilty (about contributing too much/not enough). One cautionary note (admittedly based only on my own bad experience): Be careful with joint credit cards. No matter who uses it, you're both legally responsible for it. Which is one thing to know, and another thing to actually have to deal with.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll do it all awesomely.

I forgot to mention an important detail about wedding #2. We had a day-of coordinator, who was totally awesome, and one of her jobs was not to let anyone over the age of 35 upstairs where we were getting dressed and ready. Especially not parents! This meant that we had a great time hanging in the bedroom with our small clutch of friends, drinking champagne from the bottle while all piled up on the bed. Great time!

Then the friends went back downstairs with the olds and we did our entrance/processional thing by coming down the stairs together. BUT BUT BUT (and this is the important detail) we were proceeded by a friend carrying my decrepit old cat on pillow. It was awesome; cat is now dearly departed and I love the pictures of her leading the procession.

Now I want to get married just so I can drink champagne out of the bottle while all piled up on the bed with my friends.

a great photographer is pretty important imo. it's a special day - why the hell else are you having a party?? - and it should be documented for posterity.

I think my total participation in this thread is just going to be "eephus learns his opinions about weddings are non-standard" but at least for us, 10 years into marriage, i have no idea where our wedding pictures are or if we have any -- or, better way of putting it, I'm sure there are pictures but it has been many years since I had any need or inclination to know where they were. I guess someday our kids might want to see them? Like, once? Not saying I regret having photos taken, just saying that I can't see it being high on the list of priorities.

Roxy, please forgive, I think I was placing too much emphasis on the words "square as fuck" and imagining that this conflict w parents was about, like, what songs you would play or something; obv I agree that issues like "am I going to have my father 'give me away' like a prize ox because in-laws think it appropriate" is a different fish kettle -- as I said, your plans sound great

on the day, i decided i wanted to walk down the aisle with ytth, but my dad got butthurt so i let him do it instead. as for the photography - my mum/stepdad were broke when they got married and did everything on the cheap, except for the photographer, and their wedding album is absolutely beautiful and timeless (and they were married in the mid-80s so this says a lot). so i was always pretty set on making that a priority.

i was trying to think of good marriage advice, but nothing seems universal, everyone has a different relationship. i think the most important thing is that you both have the ~same expectations~ of your marriage, that you both want the same things out of it. but if you've been together a while, you've probably already figured this out anyway.

My very best friend is an excellent photographer, and he will probably be butthurt if I don't let use him for the event, but his style is kind of war photographer-esque and i def don't want gritty realism and zits and stuff. haw. i need to get someone who will make everything look even better than it was.

haha lol upthread i said "thanks dip" but i meant DJP. v hard to type on kindle

A marriage pro-tip that I have come to embrace if there is any tension around housework: hire a cleaning service.

Our wedding, briefly:

Actual ceremony was in our living room with only immediate family and a pair of close friends in attendance. Wrote our own vows. No aisles. No bridesmaids. No nuthin' except a chaplain who 'officiated' and filled out the papers afterward.

Rented a big room in a nearby church for a midafternoon reception/party with the larger family, friends and some workmates. About 65 or 70 guests in all. No caterer. My mother and sister helped to make the food. Other food we bought. Very simple fare. We provided sparkling wine. Sister in law was a pastry chef and she made the cake for us. We hired some other friends to play (irish) music. Photography was by another friend. Mrs. Aimless loves flowers, so she bought them wholesale two days beforehand and put together the arrangements. We paid for almost all of it ourselves. Total cost ran about $1000.

BUT BUT BUT (and this is the important detail) we were proceeded by a friend carrying my decrepit old cat on pillow. It was awesome; cat is now dearly departed and I love the pictures of her leading the procession.

HOW ON EARTH do you get a cat to sit still for that?

wait for it to become decrepit

Re: marriage finances, we ended up with a joint savings and checking account that gets the majority of our money with side savings accounts for us to put incidental money we get from our various freelance gigs. Most of our expenses are drawn from the joint accounts and the personal ones get used for things like gifts or special purchases that only one person is going to use. It's ended up working quite well for us.

haw yes "bernard as ring bearer" is by far the #1 most common suggestion i've received, but hes a total spaz and would never consent to participation in pageantry of any kind unless under the influence of quaaludes

we had a cake topper personalized in our images along with our cat, who was regrettably unable to attend.

Offbeat bride is a fun antidote to wedding mags

Everyone on ilx suddenly appears to be married! Which is great, but seeing all these users weigh in is sort of... whoah. Esp the I Love Football posters = image of you watching football alone, miserable and unmarried, as it SHOULD BE, is SHATTERED.

I am in an enduring relationship but happily unmarried, I have no advice, but wish u Roxy all the very best of luck. Ps you rock <3

3. Assign someone to do all the shit you think you are going to do at the end of the night. Because you won't. This includes loading up gifts/cake/edible leftovers/flowers/booze/cleanup/cake toppers/whatever.

― Hi i am your great fan suces (jjjusten), Sunday, June 23, 2013 1:50 AM (17 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is great advice. our venue was awesome and well-staffed but ultimately it was still me running around with our event coordinator and a couple waiters loading shit into my car when i was abt 6 drinks deep (nb i did not actually drive anywhere, it just had to get out of the tent)

oh man you should have told me, I was only about 4 drinks deep before we hit karaoke

(nb I may be misremembering due to the number of drinks I had but I think I was relatively sober before hitting karaoke)

Yes, the shit-rounder-upperer role is urgent and key. See if the venue has a lockable store room where you can dump this shit and then someone can come round the next day and sort it/bin it/shift it - we never thought to ask and had everything piled into the boot of my mum's car which we left in the venue car park overnight and she picked it up the next day.

Also U & K - if you're staying in a hotel the night of your wedding, drop a properly-packed bag full of normal clothes and other necessities there the day before so you're not sitting about for breakfast in your wedding dress the next morning and scratching about for a pair of contact lenses or whatever, which would have happened to me had my mum not been super-organised and bossy.

is that a BFF's job? or a pro's?

it's the job of someone who will not get to messy to execute it, or someone who can do it before they get messy or while totally drunk

the most important part is that it should be someone else's job, not yours

I got my mum and brother to do it. We didn't have a wedding co-ordinator or any sort of organiser though.

i wonder if i can meet someone who doesnt get messy between now and my wedding

jk. i think this could be a sister's job.

maybe your cat can do it?

he gets the MESSIEST!

Also a useful exercise - if you get gifts on the day, try and keep them with their packaging fairly intact, and when you get back home you can write what the gift was on the gift tag before detaching it from the wrapping so that you know who gave you what when it comes to thanking people.

Oh, and if you're going to need stuff like make-up, cigarettes, spare contact lenses or whatever throughout the day, drop them in a bag to the venue before the ceremony so that you're not carting them around with you.

Also, I wish I'd had this thread around before my wedding!

And congratulations, btw.

^^^yes. i highly recommend keeping a google doc to track invites, gifts received, whether thank-yous were sent, etc.

I actually got a text today asking me what one of my aunts gave me as a wedding gift. I was like "... we got married almost 14 years ago, I have no idea"

I think we had a spreadsheet but it was probably on Excel 95 or something, at any rate it's lost to the winds of time

To "be true to yourself at your wedding" in my case means not to have my father "give me away" to my husband just because his family wants to see it. Etc. Obviously, I would think, if you've read this thread

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Sunday, June 23, 2013 6:09 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This is the kind of thing I think you should absolutely not give in on tbc, because it's so fraught with meaning and in this case a meaning that is offensive to you. Your beliefs and desires absolutely take precedence on something like that. The kind of things that I think should be more open to compromise are more like offering some food that is against your taste to please everyone (you think salmon is played out but a lot of people like it or w/e), playing some "standard" wedding songs even if you don't like them so everyone has fun dancing, etc.

agreed. the best wedding reception i ever went to was held in a large garden with a gazebo. they had installed a dancefloor and played tunes preprogrammed by the couple - no dj or band. there was an open bar with wine, champagne and liquor drinks, and a serve-yourself buffet. the gazebo was filled with various individually-sized pies of various kinds. everything was fun and low key and awesome and informal. it's totally the model for my reception.

for the food/buffet - i was thinking sweet p's bbq including a veg bbq option and such trappings would be perfect til i realized everyone would end up covered in bbq in their nice clothes. haw. maybe i should discourage nice clothes.

maybe just southern comfort food buffet

i went to a wedding with bbq buffet and nice clothes, it wasn't that bad

that is all the encouragement i need tbh!

i guess the best way to think abt it is ppl *should* be like, "whoa, i'd better be careful with my nice clothes near that bbq" and then they are indeed a little more careful.

good bbq is worth getting messy tbrr

My brother and sister-in-law served breakfast food! Pancakes, omlettes, sausage, bacon, doughnuts, etc., all with an unlimited amount of mimosas.

Quirky, sure, but after the fifth mimosa, I was kinda digging it.

oh yeah that's awesome

i would dig that

oh man you should have told me, I was only about 4 drinks deep before we hit karaoke

(nb I may be misremembering due to the number of drinks I had but I think I was relatively sober before hitting karaoke)

― DJP, Sunday, June 23, 2013 7:44 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You should have told ME! I'm not drinking anymore so I didn't drink at all that night. I totally would have helped.

Also, the fact that I danced stone cold sober (and next to Dan and Joei the best dancer I've ever seen) means you picked some good tunes.

whatever you do (and congrats!), open bar is essential. I knew a couple who married on...New Year's Day at a dry ceremony. Her parents were religious.

Also in order to appease family but also have a good time with our friends and something that was more us we had an afternoon wedding reception with a sit down dinner that was traditional in most ways but later that night we rented out a bar, ordered snacks and finger foods, and DJ'd an awesome party ourselves. It worked out well because there was something for everyone.

Yeah spend money on drinks and photography imo. You can cut corners elsewhere.

oh man you should have told me, I was only about 4 drinks deep before we hit karaoke

(nb I may be misremembering due to the number of drinks I had but I think I was relatively sober before hitting karaoke)

― DJP, Sunday, June 23, 2013 7:44 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You should have told ME! I'm not drinking anymore so I didn't drink at all that night. I totally would have helped.

― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Sunday, June 23, 2013 10:36 PM (9 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Also, the fact that I danced stone cold sober (and next to Dan and Joei the best dancer I've ever seen) means you picked some good tunes.

― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Sunday, June 23, 2013 10:37 PM (8 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

aw thanks u guys <3

by the time i finally realized stuff needed to be moved i was more in just "lets get it done" mode--ideally i should have asked someone well in advance of the day.

We were young and short on money when we got married, and although H's parents could help pay for the wedding, my parents weren't in great financial shape and nobody wanted her parents to have to cover everything (including her parents), so we agreed on a pretty low budget for them to split and then we'd cover whatever was over that. We used our alma mater's botanic gardens and a simple covered picnic structure they had there, so we got the cheap alumni rate. We ordered turkish food from our favorite place (which was basically a take-out restaurant with a few tables), and I think they had literally never done a wedding before and gave us a ridiculously low price. My bandmate, a pro photographer, did the photography for a low fee. My friend's band played during dinner and then we had a programmed playlist for dancing. Beer and wine only, no open bar. We hired servers separately, and rented linens and silver from another vendor, and tables and chairs from another, allowing us to get the cheapest price on each thing (and not get shafted with the "wedding" rate). We wound up only having to kick in a couple thousand above the budget, and it was a beautiful wedding. I sort of regret not being able to give my friends a really long, raging party with a full open bar, but at the same time why should a wedding have to always be that?

so yeah yay roxy congrats! suggest first slamdance!

some random smash hits from nuptials I've attended...

best wedding ceremony exit music: theme from raiders of the lost ark

best ancillary food option: taco truck parked outside reception hall

best location: colonial-era assembly hall in salem mass, lit by candlelight, in autumn. venue is important. someplace old & beautiful is best, and it doesn't have to be expensive if you go for venues that don't normally do weddings. tho old might be a challenge in TN. I'm sorry we burned down all yr old shit during the war of northern aggression.

best DJ stunt: only works with a large traditional audience in attendance I guess, but I like the bit where they get all the married couples on the floor for a dance, and then have them leave the floor in ascending waves of marriage longevity (1 year or less, 5 years or less, 10 years, etc). it sounds kinda cheeseball, but it was surprisingly effective. I've been married for 18 years, which sounds like a long time, but when you get down to the dancing couples married 25, 30, 40 years... sure, the herd thins, but you start to just *feel* the weight of time amassing, and there aren't many places in our culture where that commitment gets honored publicly, and why not at a goddamned wedding goddamnit.

personal anecdotes: my wife and I intended to have a small gathering of friends & family, but that was quashed when hyperactive friend entrusted with wedding planning started turning it into a major event of the year. so we secretly eloped to alaska. like good virgos we made a list of all the places in the country we wanted to get married, then listed pros and cons for each. alaska had the most pros and one con (expensive - ended up going in the off-season). it was fun to call friends & family and have this convo 50 times:

us: hi, we're in alaska
them: wait whut why?
us: we got married
them: ...

when we got back to the mainland we had a big ole wedding reception slash pool party and everybody got drunk and had fun. we've always been the black sheep of our respective families, so elopement was not a completely unexpected outcome.

I guess that personal anecdote does not help yr event planning conundrum problems BUT having told this tale to many married folk over the years it's surprising how often I've heard in response, "I wish we did that." usually from someone who goes on to lament that their wedding ended up being some big dog & pony show for their parents, and somebody getting stuck w/ a huge bill. so I'm guessing the lesson here is to trust yr instincts and don't cater to the requirements of others. if anybody gives you grief just yell at them THIS IS *MY* FUCKING SPECIAL DAY STOP RUINING MY MEMORIES BEFORE THEY HAPPEN.

if the proceedings represent & reflect who y'all are and the ppl in attendance really truly luv ya then it's all gonna work out fine like wine. unless grandma is dying, and her final request is to see you get married in a pink dress w/ a 50 ft train to the strains of barry manilow. then I got nothing.

we did the minimal-pageantry-ceremony-to-appease-family-with-plus-depraved-party-with-friends-later thing and that seemed to make everyone happy. our son recently pulled out the pictures and gave us major grief about hairstyles. we always kept separate banking but eventually got a joint checking too.

major CONGRATS btw. there's an old post about the two of you that's one of my all-time ILX faves, just an offhand thing but so cute and funny and loving.

but I like the bit where they get all the married couples on the floor for a dance, and then have them leave the floor in ascending waves of marriage longevity (1 year or less, 5 years or less, 10 years, etc).

I have never heard of this but it sounds wonderful!

there's an old post about the two of you that's one of my all-time ILX faves, just an offhand thing but so cute and funny and loving.

― screen scraper (m coleman), Monday, June 24, 2013 5:49 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

haw, now im wondering what it is!

xp and yeah, honoring the couples who have been married for a long time is really sweet. that probably wouldn't work out with our friend/family group though. ha!

did i just xp myself? nagl

open bar thoughts--

our venue allowed us to do a mixed bar, i.e. we agree to pay for everyones drinks up to a certain dollar value, they keep a running tally, and then if we were going to go over they would convert to cash bar. we budgeted roughly three drinks per guest and the total came in $200 over what we budgeted (which i agreed to cover, so as far as everyone was concerned it was a full open bar).

this seems like a great approach as long as no one attempts to hoard drinks or get like 4 at once or w/e. oddly i think the fact that it did seem like an open bar encouraged ppl to pace themselves a bit (as opposed to like timed open bar or something), and in general our crowd was not full of ppl who were gonna get really crazy.

Yeeeeeah, I feel like that would be a problem for a number of ilxors, were they to use the same strategy.

We probably could have done an open bar for not much more money since we had limited venue time anyway, but it was definitely a way to keep things less expensive, and it's also just not my or her family's style to get wasted. I felt a little concerned that a lot of people were going to be driving home decent distances from my wedding, although I guess that's a concern at any wedding.

yeah that is a really smart strategy but i feel like i would be a fool to not predict drink hoarding

we said free house beer and wine, cash for spirits

that didn't stop certain members of the wedding party from going SCOTCH crazy, ahem ahem

im thinking of maybe a limited bar- just beer, wine and bourbon. idk.

best cheap food option: potluck. one of the best wedding meals i had was a giant potluck buffet, they invited tons of friends (because they didn't have to worry about paying for their dinner) and everyone brought a-game dishes.

another friend had a catered family-style meal but the dessert table was potluck, that was amazing.

also i finally went to a wedding that had Indian buffet for dinner, good move.

there was no appreciable difference between the cost of spirits and the cost of beer/wine at our venue, we def would have considered open beer/wine or something otherwise.

agree you have to sort of read your guest list and what they might do. for us i think the fact that i never told anyone what the actual bar sitch was helped (if you think it's completely open, there's no need to get tons of drinks at once). i would have gone up there and announced cash bar if i had to, luckily we were able to nail our budget by last call.

The bar tab at my brother's over the top San Fran wedding was $18,000

Not a typo.

$18,000

Whole shebang must have clocked in at over 100 grand.

It was more fiasco than fun, tbh.

We restricted our bar so that there were no "shots" but you could still get cocktails, etc. I had been to a few weddings with a coworker who would frequently order 20 shots for the table and fall over drunk by the end of the night, so we wanted to avoid that. Our bar bill was about $2000 but we'd budgeted three because we're all a bunch of lushes. We were lucky though, because we had our reception at Canadian Legion, sort of veterans clubhouse? All the drinks were cheap, about three dollars for a beer and $3.50 for a cocktail. We also spent about $700 buying a few bottles of wine to go on to each table. The food was a Thanksgiving style spread with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc. Cost $20 a person, and no one seemed unhappy. A friend also made cupcakes with tiny little records with accurate artwork on them. I wish I had better photos of them! I remember one was a modest mouse record with a little tiny ship on it! Cupcakes have become popular to escape the cake cutting fee that was mentioned up thread.

Originally, the woman we dealt with at the Legion said that we could come in the night before to decorate, but the room got booked accidentally. She told us that she could set it up herself after the party had cleaned up, but it would cost us. When she said $50, we practically threw the money at her before she could change her mind! We were also only charged $100 to rent the room for the night, in contrast to some of the wedding venues around Toronto which wanted $1000 for the night and only worked with caterers that charge upwards of $100 per plate.

Throughout the night, people kept telling us what are unique and fun wedding we were having. We did not bother with fancy linens and silverware, I gathered old records and used them as chargers under the plates (& 45s for table numbers,) and set up a photo booth in the corner of the room that yielded 800+ photos of our guests in feather boas and cowboy hats. Also on the tables were goofy bird figurines collected from thrift stores & birds nests that I weaved out of willow branches, and filled with chocolate mini eggs. ("Rockin Robin kicked off the dancing.. THEMES!) I made buttons that corresponded with the 45s used as table numbers, so each person had a little mini record button Attached to their name card. Our favors were mixed CDs that we made, and I photo shopped us into famous album covers.

Sorry, I love talking about my wedding, I wish it was every day! The marriage is nice too, of course. ;) No real advice for that part, but we do share that his/hers/hours banking account approach. Might shift to the paying everything by credit card approach mentioned by LL, Because I want those frequent spender points too!

Holy crap quincie! Glad we cheaped out in everyplace possible, our wedding probably cost about 12 grand overall for 150 people in toronto (cabs & transit for most drunkies!)

My brother-in-law set aside the top layer of our (small, for pictures of us cutting it) cake for us, then my sister and her drunk 19-year-old friends stole it, and dropped it immediately outside the venue. We had to step through it to get into the cab at the end of the night. :P

also can i use this to show off the awesome placecard thing my dad built?

http://i1359.photobucket.com/albums/q782/braudimusprime/425289_701735085200_693822209_n_zpsabc0040b.jpg

My parents knew the owner of the venue so they got a pretty good deal on an otherwise pretty pricey package. We had passed martinis and Champagne during the cocktail hour and then a full open bar with the meal. Only one guest went overboard in the afternoon and supposedly tried to climb some trellis at the venue. Thankfully I did not witness this and nobody else seemed to go too nuts. The party we threw later that night was also open bar but I think only with whatever their pouring liquors were so if someone wanted something specific they might have had to pay for that. The bartender there was a friend of my family's and started making people pitchers of cocktails. People were a whole lot less civilized by the time that ended but in a good way that resulted in a 20 some odd person sing-a-long on the bus back to the hotel which included the first verse of Straight Outta Compton. Needless to say several friends were too hungover to attend the brunch my dad cooked the next morning but I'm sure they'd say it was worth missing despite the fact that some people were still raving about his sausages years later.

x-post That placecard thing was really cool!

We managed approx $16K for 175 ppl in Boston*; given the reception venue and food we had, I'm still shocked that we were that close to our budget number ($15K)

* this was lol over a decade ago though, I'm sure the exact same wedding in the exact same venues now would be a $30K affair

My brother's thing was a like a huge study in Do Not Do This. Particularly the part where one of the groomsmen swung at the brother of the bride, and the SIL of the bride (not me! Wife of the bride's brother) slapped the bride and called her a fucking cunt. A big factor was six hours of open bar, a recipe for disaster for this crowd.

SIL of the bride (not me! Wife of the bride's brother) slapped the bride and called her a fucking cunt

OMG

honestly quincie, were this not your brother's wedding it sounds like the most amazing event to witness

Yeah I was just thinking that I'd kind of kill to have been a guest at that.

Exactly, it would all have been like a hilarious episode of Real Housewives of San Francisco had it not been my only sibling, and the bride's only sibling. Oh and my father had to step over the body of a groomsman who got so drunk that he just laid down on the sidewalk after the thing and it took three dudes to get him in a cab to get him home. And the some of the bridesmaids were so loaded that they were actually refused entry into a divey bar afterward.

damn

Oh and the only thing that prevented the groomsman's punch from connecting with the brother of the bride was my mom stepping in between them.

It makes it sound like a totally redneck wedding, but this was very high SES people behaving badly. Gorgeous venue, though (San Francisco University Club; they rented out all 4 floors).

One of my co-workers was telling me recently about a wedding she was in where they had the bachelorette the night before (never really understood that) during which the bride-to-be god so shitfaced that they had to take her to the ER at 6 in the morning on the day of the wedding to get a banana bag so she could be well enough to attend her own nuptials. I can't even begin to imagine how bad that must have sucked.

wow, the after party at our wedding reception only had a groomsman dancing barefoot on broken glass

(I say "only" but hearing the story later was pretty epic)

absolutely nothing epic happened at my wedding, but honestly i'm proud to have such simpatico friends. we had a good time, and no one was an asshole. and there were friends present who i hadn't talked to frequently in years but have been friends with since 3rd gr. it was a real "la lechera & spouse, this is your life" guest list. i guess i'm most proud of that being successful and it was more memorable than if i had put more time/effort into party planning deets. also my MIL was there and she passed shortly afterward, so it was a memorable family experience for me too (i don't have a lot of those)

i remember it fondly, but will never ever ever watch the video (there is one, i have no idea where it is)

One of my co-workers was telling me recently about a wedding she was in where they had the bachelorette the night before (never really understood that) during which the bride-to-be god so shitfaced that they had to take her to the ER at 6 in the morning on the day of the wedding to get a banana bag so she could be well enough to attend her own nuptials. I can't even begin to imagine how bad that must have sucked.

― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Monday, June 24, 2013 12:08 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This kind of thing makes me think the bride really did not want to get married and/or should not have gotten married.

just for the record - we were married locally in a small ( > 10 ppl) ceremony in december followed by a big (90 ppl iirc?) party/afterparty the following june so fam/friends could write it off as a fun weekend sponsored by us and i didn't have the pressure of party planning AND nuptials

that would have been way too overwhelming for me

if you need more fun reception activities, my wife and I have one called the wedding whore. basically involves identifying as early as possible the person who will lose their shit, dirty dance, and inappropriately flirt w/ everyone they come into contact with (nb: does not have to be female). unfortunately I can think of two occasions where this game ended uncomfortably, with the indisputable champs being a) the MIL of the bride, and b) the bride herself.

The only really shit-faced person at our wedding threw up in a bunker on the golf course (we had our reception in the clubhouse). Pleasant surprise for anyone landing in the bunker the next morning, I'm sure (I didn't find out about this until about four years later).

For drinks, we had bottles of wine on the tables and my dad put money behind the bar so that people could get a couple of drinks on arrival, which no-one abused at all. We also made sure that we chose a venue where the bar was really cheap though - fuck going to a wedding where you have to pay £10 for two drinks all night.

Oh, and our video is excellent. My brother did it, and it starts on the minibus my mum hired to take my family and their friends down from my hometown the night before, so the first ten minutes is just my dad and brother passing round a hipflask and starting singsongs. Also some lovely shots of people arriving at the church, which was nice because obviously I didn't see any of that I was back in the house getting champagned up with my dad.

I have never regretted not getting a wedding video.

late to this thread

Mr Veg and I got married in Reno with immediate family and a handful of close friends. We went out for ribs after the ceremony, and then got druuuuuuuuuuuuuunk the rest of the night.

We had an engagement party with my family and a big group of friends in Australia a few months prior, so that was taken care of as well.

Then we spent the next 2 months putting together a big blowout reception in our inlaw's huge backyard for all the extended family and 10,000 cousins and aunts and college friends. We had some catering I think, or maybe barbecue (I can't remember), but we started it early-mid afternoon, so that older relatives and kids could come and hang for a while and have dinner with the group....but we let the party go on well into the wee hours and people just brought tents and whatever to camp in the backyard afterwards. That way we could be civilized and nice for the daylight hours, and then crank up the music and get loaded with our party friends. Best of both worlds imo.
And because it was 10 years ago we did the disposable cameras on all the tables so everyone took photos of each other and we got a truckload of weird photos taken of dogs and noses and butts taken by 5 year olds which were awesome

If you can find a way to that, it kind of satisfies all the things on the list.

But we were super chill and didn't do a lot of the wedding-y things except get married, lol

Video exists of our wedding, but I have yet to see it. Seeing it from the POV of a $200 camcorder, like a clip on America's Funniest Videos where a candle catches the bride on fire, would cheapen my vivid memory of the whole event.

video AND pictures exist of our wedding and I have yet to see them and am in no rush to do so because see I have this thing in my head that stores episodic memories

we made everyone pay for their own drinks at our wedding because we are poor. ppl didn't seem to mind. and we bought lunch for the family before the party @ the bar.

when you're young and poor everyone just thinks that stuff is cute, so the moral is get married while you're young and poor

i remember it fondly, but will never ever ever watch the video (there is one, i have no idea where it is)

otm

when do you send out invitations?

FIRST ANSWER: Two months or so before the wedding. You can even be cute and send out a "save-the-date" card before that.

REAL ANSWER: After the SEC College Football schedule has been released for the season.

^this is the kind of input i need

It also depends on whether or not there will be people traveling to the wedding from places that require plane tickets/days off work/etc. I think sometimes I've gotten them much earlier because everyone was coming from out of town.

do people make facebook events for their receptions, lol? is this gauche?

xp i think the only ppl coming from out of town are fam and already know, that's a good pt to consider tho

Make sure you put little cards on the reception tables denoting what official hashtag your guests should use in their tweets and instagrams.

Party full of locals sounds like a lot more fun because no one's gonna be all travel-frazzled.

No idea what's gauche then or now, sorry :(

FAM indeed

Make sure you put little cards on the reception tables denoting what official hashtag your guests should use in their tweets and instagrams.

― pplains, Tuesday, January 14, 2014 5:20 PM (41 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

there's apps for this (and I wish I was joking)

haha god. i could not care less

we did save the date cards abt 5 months before the wedding. invites roughly two months before.

basically take the day your venue needs a final count (if applicable) and start working backwards through the amount of time you need to catch up with nonresponders, the time you want to give ppl to respond, etc.

haw, just saw this one in a project I'm working on.

http://i.imgur.com/UR7rqCT.jpg

ROXY HAS A FIANCE

#damnyallmarried

#lolhitchedyo

#marriagerox

aw

winner

#yogmo

#weddinggras at my wedding but it made my wife's friends happy so whatever, people love that shit

the food was for us far and away the most expensive and frustrating part and no one really gave a fuck. like, it was good, i suppose. would rather have gotten popeye's and banh mi etc.

saw our caterer sitting in first class on a charlotte-to-NOLA flight and it was like oh so that's where the money goes

Deciding on a country to get married in isn't proving easy but seems a fairly crucial first step if you are going to actually start planning anything else.

Has anyone had particularly good or bad experiences of getting married abroad?

no but i have had pretty good experiences since i married a broad!!

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/2661044/old-man-laughing-lol-o.gif

I got married in India, Andhra Pradesh state. I wouldn't recommend it.

got married in italy in september last year, it was awesome

Although the idea of making a couple of dozen Irish in-laws who can't bring themselves to eat mild curry go to Hyderabad for a wedding is perversely appealing, Italy may be a safer option.

Whereabouts was it?

And congratulations, btw.

I got married in Chicago and it was awesome; this is partly because it meant that my lovely wife - living in Chicago at the time - took the lion's share of the work on, and she makes awesome decisions.

We did courthouse with immediate fam -> photos in the park with friends and fam -> party with all concerned and it worked beautfifully. The face that £1=$2 at the time made it even sweeter for me.

xp thx! it was in puglia. ours was pretty small, we had about 45 people -just friends + immediate family. we rented a house that 16 of us stayed at, and then had it on the grounds outside.

when did yall have your bachelor/bachelorette parties? a week before or something?

Ours were about a month before, but that just came down to scheduling. They were also extremely low-key and the bachelor/bachelorette parties were on the same day, which was nice because the two groups met up towards the end of the night (fwiw, this was great for our group, ymmv).

we did ours the night before the wedding, just because everybody was already all together, which was probably not a great idea -- we didn't do anything wild but somebody broke out a nice bottle of scotch for the occasion after I'd already had a couple beers, and so I basically learned the hard way that the "beer before liquor" thing was no joke the night before my wedding. i was was fine by the time of the ceremony, but i don't drink often so it seemed kinda dumb to have a hangover on my wedding day.

i think i'm doing mine a week before. also i'm having a twin peaks themed bachelorette party.

hardcore, murdering a bridesmaid the week before and wrapping her in plastic

"an invitation to love" iirc

a blue rose for the lapel of every bridesmaid

better keep an eye out if he has a twin peaks bachelor party.

haha. he WAS jealous of my theme.

which country to get married in probably depends how many guests (if any) you want to have attending?

ukraine, syria, afghanistan all elite choices

"it's like ukraine on your wedding day"

isn't it erdogan

how long should a reception be??

not long enough

*narrows eyes, allows the koan to sink in, grins*

you should leave before it's over so why not just let the stragglers figure it out

reception length correlates to amount of booze you can afford ime

how long should a reception be??

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Wednesday, March 19, 2014 11:13 AM (10 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

our schedule went something like this:

4-5 ceremony (actual ceremony didn't take that long but getting ppl in and out and whatnot did)
5-6 cocktail hour, pics of couple and families
6-10 reception

i think we had another hour in us, but leave 'em wanting more. many folks also decamped to a nearby restaurant for drinks and karaoke from 10-1 am.

i just have to figure out how long to reserve this place for. people are going to decamp across the street to the Pilot Light for a metal show in our honor around 9pmish. our actual wedding is in the smoky mountains at noon, but only family is going to that. do most people do it as an evening thing or do some do it as an afternoon thing? this is going to be a damned long day.

so from a logistics standpoint, how long is it going to take you to get from your wedding to the reception?

we're doing pics afterward (not many, its super informal) and then the drive will be like, an hour

but our wedding ceremony itself is only for close family. the reception is for our friends + extended fam. im thinking our fams might go back to their hotels and chill first before walking down to the reception, which is in a building downtown next to where they'll be staying. so a lag between is ok right?

yeah for sure, i think you'll need it. so wedding/pics 12-1, drive 1-2, three hours downtime, reception 5-9. (or 4-9 but for the metal show crowd and you guys that might be long).

yeah that works! just making sure i dont accidentally do something stupid.

xpost of course it's ok; it's your wedding! as long as Smokey the Bear is officiating the ceremony.

are they getting dinner at reception?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/62/SmokeyTheBearHeadshot.GIF

only you can prevent false metal

i wish!

xp yeah theres gonna be a BBQ buffet

my little bro did bbq too. people loved it.

is there anticipated dancing at the reception?

How about garter belts, first dances and drunken speeches?

Really wish we could've done that chair thing even though we're not Jewish.

I regret not having any plate smashing, Greek style

i didn't do any of that but i did control the music. regret that there was no dancing, but i would have probably been the only person dancing and that would have been awkward.

we did all the things and my friends & I danced up a storm til 3am or so, weddings are awesome, I never understood the bride and groom leaving early! Stay and enjoy the most expensive party you've ever thrown! (Unless people are throwing you a metal show, woo!)
We left about 3 hours between ceremony and our re-entry so we could go get our pictures taken in subways and alleyways.. But people were free to enter the reception before we got there

there will be no first dance and no garter throwing. there will almost certainly be dancing. ive rented a space in a building downtown with hardwood floors and exposed brick and little lights all over the ceiling and room for 100. i'm positively thrilled to have a reception space, cause everything else will be the fun kind of planning, but finding a suitable and cheap reception space has been the stressful kind of planning, and i promised myself no stress bc this is a small and casual damned wedding. so hooray that i can chill now. everything else seems to be taking care of itself. one of my friends is a professional baker and she's doing the cake, another is a printer and he's doing the invitations, another is a photographer, another's doing the music. it's so helpful to have friends with a lot of various skills!

i need to figure out a venue for the metal show after party, but there are like 3 backup plans in place, and there's always my place as a backup behind that, so i'm not stressed over that.

there will almost certainly be drunken speeches as well

my carefully curated reception playlist was trashed within minutes to make way for like the entire kanye west discography. so what i'm saying is make sure there's no internet/kanye access.

computer's pw protected

disappointed that your cousin isnt making the cake

otm

hahaha that same joke was made by my sister yesterday

Sis is on it.

venue, permit, music, and officiant secured for wedding
venue, music and cake secured for reception
invitations out
RSVPS coming in
venue and bands secured for after party
dress secured
shower being thrown
registry complete
bachelorette party being thrown

now to worry about food and drinks and how to afford that and how to serve them. this thing is in a month

when do i get to plan my honeymoon

aw

If you can swing a "day of" planner person, the serving of the foods and every other hassle during the event(s) becomes his/her problem instead of yours. I highly recommend.

One of our "day of" planner person's jobs was to not permit anyone over the age of 40 (which was, like, 90% of our guests) upstairs while we were up there getting dressed and dranking champagne with the very few non-family friends who attended our small thing. Otherwise my mom would have been all up in my grill!

you got this thing rox

Oh and we only decided to spring for a "day of" person like two weeks before the wedding, when we realized that everyone would be coming to ME (why because I'm the bride and god forbid anyone expect the fucking groom to do anything) for guidance/directions/requests/complaints/etc on the day of, unless I had someone to be like "oh yes HERE'S PATTY she is on that."

Among other things, Patty made a cigarette run for us :)

Neither of us really smokes. But this is what happens at weddings: you suddenly need a smoke.

the day after will feel like a honeymoon even if you're just lazing about on the couch :)

our "day of" guy ordered midnight pizza :)

P sure my day of guy is my sister. I'm broke btw

Determined to keep wedding under $700 total. Doing damn well so far. I think I'm going to at least partly cater it myself tbh. Catering costs are gross. I have a fridge and chafing dishes and friends to help. If I can save myself 500$ then I shall IMO

My brother made gallons of muscadine wine for the reception, and my sister in laws dad made tons of moonshine. My baker friend is baking 100 maple cupcakes. I can make BBQ for 80 I think! I make BBQ for 20 on the reg. I'm gonna get the sides catered though, it's cheap

what about potluck style

oops i missed that response. i already sent out invitations so it would def be lame to now be like, "oh and bring food." but i don't know. i'm just gonna get a keg and a bunch of bottles of wine, some tea and water for teetotalers, BBQ, coupla sides, buns, plasticware and paper plates. also, a jar of moonshine and a jug of muscadine wine on every table. it aint fancy, but nothing else is either so it doesn't really matter

oh and maple flavored cupcakes for the wedding cake. my baker friend is baking them as my gift <3

can't think of anything better than BBQ tbh

also, i may have asked this before, but is it pitiful to have a registry on amazon? and then also is it pitiful to request donations to the honeymoon fund in lieu of a gift thru paypal?

also my mom is literally insane

nothing else to report

a bbq meal followed by maple flavored cupcakes is pretty incredible sounding

i've known a lot of people who have had registries on amazon.

better Amazon than being tied into some store and their prices. I remember spending quite a lot on a gift where the wedding list was knowing I could get p much the same thing elsewhere for cheaper.
they don't pay their UK taxes though so everyone claims to hate them

honeymoon funds a totally normal thing too, I would've loved an amazon registry but we still can only really buy books off it in Canada >:|

Yeah, I've bought Amazon vouchers and honeymoon vouchers as presents, it's pretty much the norm these days.

roxy my little bro had a honeymoon fund for his wedding, they literally did not even have a registry, just said plz give us money for a euro honeymoon and lo the ppl made it rain

I would probably have a back-up list of actual gift suggestions though for internet-averse older relatives and the like though. Though most supermarkets over here sell Amazon vouchers by the tills, so I guess even technophobes could manage that.

honeymoon fund and amazon registry are more than fine imo

but i'm not american, as was made clear when i was making our wedding invitations, and my MIL told me it would be really 'gauche' to put the place we were registered at in the actual invite - "that's something that should only be passed on by word of mouth" which sounded totally crackers to me but wtf do i know

i think there are wedding registry websites out there, specifically dedicated to things like honeymoons or trips or things-to-do - i remember my BF had one for her wedding, you could contribute to different parts of their honeymoon.

oh and also: i really didn't want crappy useless junk gifts (lets be real - they just end up being tossed, which is a total waste, i'd truly rather not get a gift at all), which is why we had a target registry with a good price range, but we still got a bunch of crappy gifts, including a really expensive lead-crystal sculpture that looks like a uterus.

pics?

maybe tonight if i remember!

haha i feel like i remember this uterus thing being discussed somewhere else on ilx

my cousin used some site that was like a money-for-honeymoon thing but a lil' more fun/creative in that it broke up honeymoon costs as like actual things you could register for, so like

• breakfast one morning: $20
• dinner at this dope restaurant: $120
• nite at a hotel: $250
• some gondola ride: $30
• gelato: $4
• museum passes: $40

yeah my bf's was the same kind of thing

For four dollars, you can feed these hungry newlyweds some gelato. Just think, in one month, that's only 13 cents a day.

haha yeah i dont have patience or time to make one of those tbh :/ and i think an honest breakdown of what we'd be spending money on would scare our families

o you dont need to be honest fwiw

yeah we made a breakdown with all sorts of goofy honeymoony shit that we totally didn't do. couples massages and stuff. then we went and did whatever with our pile of cash. it was awesome. we used wanderable which had the least onerous fees and policies.

the wedding was fun. being married is fun too.

i went to a backyard wedding 2 weeks ago and was the de facto spotify DJ, it was awesome.

i hope you didn't play any todd terje

i did!

wasn't a smash hit but wasn't a flop either.

2 days!

here is my to-do list:

buy 3 chafing dish racks (?)
get a cake stand
obtain shoes
become rich
GET OUR MARRIAGE LICENSE?!
get buns, ice, cups, salt & pepper
plan my honeymoon?!>1.1.1

yeah!!!

My friend was like "I have tons of chafing dishes you can just have." He brings them over.......... They are not chafing dishes I don't even know what they are

congrats Roxy!

roxy i know you worship the dark lord & all but i'm sure w/ your past jobs and volunteerism you've made a friend or two at a church who could maybe get you some chafing dishes on loan

Meantime what was this on FB about your dude's bachelor party being all carbohydrates and violence

Friends at a church???

lolol

I just had to google 'chafing dish'. I never knew that's what they were!

we were given a chafing dish as a wedding present, but i don't remember what one actually is

roxy are you telling me you are a friendly busy & outgoing altruist who lives in the southern US and has a total of zero acquaintances who attend a church

they're the things you put shit in at a buffet that have the flaming sterno things underneath to keep them hot. my dad used to have tons cause chef.

I have zero friends who attend church. Maybe one of my mothers in law, I don't think she goes regularly tho

I just had to google 'chafing dish'. I never knew that's what they were!

― kinder, Thursday, May 15, 2014 7:53 PM (31 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I'd imagine those can be hired from any caterer?

dude read the thread

You can def rent them from places in toronto (without food in them) but I think roxy wanted them permanently for shows afterward. Two days, eeeee! Have a blast roxy!

Sam's has chafing dishes (presumably Costco too?), if you have an acct there or know someone who does.

I've found that on the rare occassions when I've had to carry my fine dining dishes in my trousers they've been chafing something fierce.

a dash of WD-40 will fix that

does anyone else find it weird that it can actually be quite hard to get married without any kind of religious (even if only nominally) imprimatur? if you don't have an ordained religious figure, you need to enlist a justice of the peace, and assuming you don't _know_ a justice of the peace there's no clear indication of how you might enlist (let alone pay) one to officiate your wedding.

i don't want to have a friend ordained in the "universal life church" or whatever it is, it seems like a stupid cop-out/workaround.

i'm talking about the usa of course, and of course different states likely have quite different rules about it.

i don't even want some kind of protest like having an "athiest minister" or some bullshit. just: no religion, at all, not even invoked in its absence.

We had a JP do ours. He wasn't hard to find, and trust me, it was clear from the outset what the fee was. ($60)

hmmm, all i come up w/ are "officiants" who are ordained in some churh or other (again, typically nominal ones, but still).

i don't get why you can't just get some clerk at the state house, or some notary in a bank, to do it.

i know, i'm pretty romantic :)

call up your county courthouse ... some places it will be a magistrate judge or something similar, it's not hard to set up

i don't want to have a friend ordained in the "universal life church" or whatever it is, it seems like a stupid cop-out/workaround.

we ended up doing this, but because our first option fell through. but the friend that did it was very happy to do so and got really into it, it was wonderful. we also selected her because she's a very spiritual person, but not a very religious one.

a ship captain can officiate a wedding as well

rox

see if you can find a restaurant supply store/wholesaler in yr area. They can sometimes be cheaper than the club stores and they usually have a wider selection of sizes etc. Plus cheap utensils, fking everything you could ever need

mr veg goes to one out here for bbq supplies like foil trays, fancy knives etc, worth a try if you can find one nearby

roxy there is a restaurant supply store on that road where the old man offered me a ride! i walked past it a few times and noticed bc i love restaurant supply stores.

!

the one we go to has free popcorn except it looks like they made it last year and they think heatlamps are magical freshness lights

i bet she already knows about the store i just thought i would provide a lol

In my state, it's a two-step process - go to the circuit court clerk (only one of you needs to show up, but must have ID for both) and get a marriage license, wait two days (?), then go to the state house to make it official. Must both be 18 years old, unless the woman has a child or is pregnant in which case she need only be 16 (nice that our law encourages teen pregnancy). Spouse-to-be can be of either gender. Total cost about $80. In many cases the fancy wedding ceremony is just for show, the couple is actually already married by that point.

lol i had to get a blood test (for the syph!) before getting married in dc, but it seems that is no longer required

rather than encouraging teen pregnancy they are encouraging pregnant teens to forge a nuclear family!

a ship captain can officiate a wedding as well

yessssssssss. well, as long as he looks like popeye.

and sounds like popeye, of course.

and fills the ceremony with lots of nautical puns.

roxy there is a restaurant supply store on that road where the old man offered me a ride! i walked past it a few times and noticed bc i love restaurant supply stores.

― funch dressing (La Lechera), Thursday, May 15, 2014 7:05 PM (34 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i love that store!! i went to partayyyyy city and bught my own shit. now i can start a catering biz

i wish you a very fun and great wedding, roxy, and a happy life ever after.

Amateurist, there was a link on our county clerk's website of JPs who perform weddings. Where ever you get the license, I'm sure they could hook you up.

wait, i can get the JB's for my wedding?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUkfiLjooxs

James Prawn and the JPs

The big day! Congratulations to mr. and mrs. Muzak!

congrats roxx, wish i could be there

kill it!!! congrats roxx!

have a blast

WAYD'N DAY! Be awesome.

It was A+ great!! I'm at our afterparty atm with noted ilxors crutis and and what!!!!!!!!

(Note: there are other ppl here too. Lol)

http://i.imgur.com/zi7hd.gif

Congratulations!! :)

http://www.tumblr18.com/t18/2014/02/Congrats-on-emo-wedding.gif

No black dress and corpsepaint, no credibility.

Did you do this thing?

http://i.imgur.com/BklHah7.gif

so "up do" is a phrase that exists

Duh

Happy wedding to both of you!!

(Note: there are other ppl here too. Lol)

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Sunday, May 18, 2014 12:33 AM (17 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

SO ecstatic for y'all!!!

congrats and love on ya

Yay, congrats Roxy!

Congratulations Roxy! Sounds like all the hard work was worth it.

I'm making progress with my wedding plans. I have decided the main musical theme (Eurodisco / Eurodance) and what i'm going to wear and i'm going to assume the other, less important, elements (location, date, catering, guest list etc) will just fall into place after that. As i wear a suit every day at work, i'm going to go for the Rajkumar look:

http://i.imgur.com/dJRBU0M.jpg?1

Also has the advantage of being 10x more baller.

Unfortunately, i've come to the conclusion that my first two choices of location (Bran Castle and the Wieliczka Salt Mine) are probably not enormously practical so i'm gravitating towards Islington Town Hall. If anyone can recommend a nice, not overly expensive, venue for a smallish (60-75 ppl) reception in London (or anywhere else in the UK / Ireland, really), i'd be grateful for any pointers.

love that look, yr wedding sounds like it's going to be dope

Would dance all night to Eurodisco / Eurodance.

A friend has asked me to playlist ~2 hours of her wedding next month but I'm playing it safe as I only know about 25% of the people who are going.

Me and my fiance are putting together our own playlist for our upcoming small wedding nuptials. This is time-consuming

congrats roxy! my own planning observations are that "scope creep" applies many times over.

its hard to resist the all obvious favorites playlist.

Yes. Oh, and of course, congrats Roxy

Congrats Roxy and also curmudgeon!

thx guys. im in a hotel in salem mass atm. tomorrow we soak up witchy vibes, then head to maryland deathfest

\m/

My bride and I had a wonderful small wedding with immediate family and some close friends in a restaurant on Sunday outside D.C. Everything went great. Afterwards we took more photos in town-- at the US Capitol, Smithsonian Folklife festival, Washington Monument, National Gallery of Art, and the Howard Theatre. Gonna take our honeymoon later-- still deciding where.

Congratulations!

congratulations to you and mrs. curmudgeon!

Mazel tov!!!

Thanks y'all

Right on

omg this thing is spiraling out of control

You got this!

yeah you can do it

wtf is going on horseshoe

give us the crazy 411

^^^

organizing a wedding is just the worst. Sorry horseshoe :/

I am having a great time organizing my wedding, so it's not categorically horrible. I hope I'm not jinxing myself.

Stay strong tho!

yay jody i am glad to hear it!

i think i'm just behind? and i made the mistake of going to a happy hour thrown by wedding vendors last night and freaked out about all i have to do. (my students keep asking me how the wedding planning's going and i'm like what wedding planning???)

i am bad at organizing things. and i feel like, though i love my venue, it's kind of schmancy, so that has ratcheted up expectation levels all around. two nights ago we had our wedding tasting with the caterer (that was awesome, tbf) and our caterer lady was like, what are your wedding colors? and i was like, do i really need wedding colors? and she was aghast.

it will be okay. i need to get a photographer and a florist.

weddings are so weird

Wedding industry people make me want to begin some kind of cull on heteronormative, matchy-matchy people.

None of this shit will matter on the day, just enjoy it.

"wedding colors" was a pretty laughable concept ime, unless you have some particularly heavy decorating thing going on it's basically to make sure that your table linens don't clash with your flower arrangements.

YOU DO NOT NEED WEDDING COLORS

also, from the very first post here:

"i don't want to feel like i'm trying to please them with a day that's supposed to be exactly what we want."

I think is part of the problem. A wedding is NOT supposed to be a day that's exactly what you want. It's a party you're throwing for your guests. It's when you put a lot of weight on it being "exactly what you want" or "perfect" or "expressive of ourselves" that it starts to get really stressful. If you're married at the end of the night, the thing was a success.

OK maybe I should have read more of the thread and noticed that I already made this exact comment 18 months ago

I'm old and have been married a long time, we forget things

We went into ours going "book church, book venue with good food, no more than 50 guests, book some way for them to get from A to B, buy rings and wedding clothes, book photographer, get some friends to play music and that's it". Eventually if family members feel particularly strongly about eg flowers they'll offer to deal with it themselves because they have literally nothing else to organise or pay for. It worked pretty well and we ended up with a considerably less minimal wedding but without having to deal with that sort of oppressive scope-creep.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uxiEg34jwHQ/Tp6lFDBUuuI/AAAAAAAAL4c/g1z_czNPmIg/s640/RogerAndMe_074Pyxurz.jpg

a happy hour thrown by wedding vendors last night

Child, you realize that's the belly of the beast, right? It's their J.O.B. to make you feel horrible. HARRIBLE!

Shake it off, c'mon, you got this.

p. sure we had no 'wedding colors'

is yr event in b'more? i can attest that dangerously delicious pies make a fine alternative to cake

Marriage is a big deal.

A wedding is not a big deal.

Unless you want your wedding to be a big deal, in which case that is a choice and not an imperative.

Basically eephus OTM.

my wedding colors are "fuck" and "you"

orbit otm, wedding vendors are insane. avoid as much as possible, stick with normcore crowd & you'll be fine. they're like 90% of the problem

If I could do it again, I'd elope to Vegas, for real.

Let us know when you get your engagement photos in.

Leaning towards the "haunted castle" venue option at the moment

http://i.imgur.com/Vhspf2e.jpg

hot tip of the day: avoid holding an outdoor wedding anywhere that armed drones are patrolling.

xpost wait sharivari are u getting married? :D congrats!

Thanks! Got engaged ages ago but have been very slow to do anything about it.

no shame in a long engagement :)

congrats sharivari!

http://visittoukraine.com/uploads/images/sights/lastochkino-gnezdo2.jpg

currently watching Don't Tell the Bride where they go to Thorpe Park. They may have a haunted castle there?

The on-the-door entry fee at Thorpe Park is actually more expensive per-head than the all-inclusive package we've been offered at Kinnitty Castle, pictured above.

Ireland looks like great place to get hitched at the moment.

yah but that's before you factor in your ilx invitations

tbf, i did not invite an ilxor to mine, but mine ended <2 years later, so there's yer warning

None of this shit will matter on the day, just enjoy it.

but it does matter, because women end up bearing the brunt of the responsibility for anything that goes wrong on the day -- of course guys think it's unimportant, they're not the ones who are getting told CONSTANTLY how important it is and what a shitty, cheap, thoughtless person and bad friend/relative you are if one thing's out of place.

and there's a certain luxury that comes with saying "so what, just ignore them." sorry, i can't.

getting told CONSTANTLY how important it is and what a shitty, cheap, thoughtless person and bad friend/relative you are if one thing's out of place.

good lord. my family and in-laws aren't like that at all, thankfully. I know this is never to be taken for granted and I am very lucky that way. you have my sympathies.

btw, simple things are harder to screw up. the more of a huge production it is, the easier it is for things to go wrong.

ur already a bad husband sharivari grats

Got my wedding in 3 weeks. ilxor count: 1.

that's not counting me

(& congratulations sharivari!)

you left the strawboys out last I heard can u pls confirm the latest

the bride's not biting
It was going ok till she saw the pictures
:(

surely it's a job for strawmen not strawboys

made that pun in UK ilx thread like six hours ago smh

eh, mine was better

blowin u a strawberry rn

It's ok, Darragh - i'll have double strawboys at mine to make up for it.

Congrats Sharivari.

Why not try a basic setup? Some bread and cheese and fine white wine.

Oh I never really posted about this.

We away and married late last year after eleven years together. Civil ceremony, two witnesses and nobody else. Drinks, lunch, change clothes, taxi, plane, few phonecalls, social media post of 'hi everyone we got married see ye in a week'. Went like a charm tbh.

We had anticipated problems with one of her parents in particular, her choice was to let them know only a few weeks in advance that we were doing it that way. On her lead, we dropped it fairly brutally on them in person and then after a few excruciating minutes we jogged on our way, being advised en route not to darken door again for a while.

Radio silence apart from a few proxy attempts early on through her brother to do it properly - mass, decent notice period, big bash with all relatives and neighbours and what have you. Other than that no parental contact for her for a few months, not til well after the deed was done in fact.

Everyone else was thrilled for us, so all in all it wasn't a bad effort. I recommend. Any questions?