"Fear of missing out" in one's late 30ies - still a thing?

All my life i've been extremely prone to fretting about my weekends and whether i was having as much "fun" as I could, blablabla - now in my late 30ies with wife and kid, is it normal that I'm still getting mild panic about the fact that I'm spending most of my weekend nights in?

I get fomo when thinking about friends who have kids, so yeah I suppose it's normal

A friend of mine got tenured yesterday and I got academic fomo. And he's a dad. Double fear.

i've had this kind of feeling most of my adult life. i don't know or care what "normal" is but you're certainly not alone there. panic isn't great tho - maybe you should try and analyze why you feel that way, because it's a false idea, i think. after all, the reality of going out is usually pretty mundane too when you look at it.

I think I'm quite lucky in that I honestly do not give a shit about this (full disclosure; 34, no kids). Maybe I went out alot/enough when I was younger or something, but our weekend evenings generally consist of a bottle of wine and something on TV, or (very) occasionally having people over for dinner. I pack plenty in the rest of the weekend though, I think; this weekend I got a haircut, ate a burrito, cycled 47 miles, got stung on the lip by a wasp, made a quiche, baked a cake, popped in to town a couple of times, bought an album, played a shitload of Alter Ego...

i've had this kind of feeling most of my adult life.

Man, you can't do everything.

yeah it's weird - i've spend the last 15 years going out all the time, often tagging along with people I despised just for the sake of not staying in. So I should be quite aware of the mundane reality of going out, and yet...
Now I feel more and more constrained by this mentality, which pushes me on a friday night to go for a drink with anyone and scoffing at the idea that I could go to bed early so as to get more done the next day. In a similar logic, I still can't consider moving out to a lovelier yet smaller city, eg in Italy where my wife is from, because I still cling to this idea that I need to stay close to all those rooftop parties and pop up store openings (which I never attend these days anymore).
I don't know at this stage it really feels like an antiquated and immature psycological reflex I can't get rid of.

a lot of us don't want to get old, i think that's understandable. maybe the best thing is to make the changes without thinking too hard. 12 months into a different life and i'm sure your perspective would be different.

some days i'm really angry and bitter that i'll never be 20 again, it's okay i think, cos i also remind myself that this is the hand we're dealt

yeah well - you can often quite easily pretend you're still in your 20s. I live in an environment full of single 30 somethings who've created this microcosm where it's completely normal to be "living for the weekend", partying by night and playings PS3 by day.

My fomo (lol love the acronym OP) was more of the "omg I havent bought a house and had a family" kind, but it passed in my early 30s. I actually partied more then than in my 20s.

Now after some years of hermitage I'm forcing myself back out to things cos I really DONT want to waste what remains. It mostly involves band practice,occasional gigs and drinks with mates quietly; I dont feel the need to party it up in clubs anymore. Def dont feel like I'm missing out on that front.

That said, I spent 4 hours on Sunday playing SimCity on my new PC and felt vaguely guilty I'd wasted my weekend.

I've spent my life since I was about 21 shearing off the unwanted bits - was when I realised that no, I'm not actually that into going out, mingling, chatting, getting wrecked, or whatever - I'm pretty lucky in that I've pared down to what I'm into and that those keep me busy.

Of course there are other things I'd like to do - spend whole days-on-end exploring mundane Britain, play sport, watch films, take holidays - but ultimately I would rather have a family, knees that work, a job that (finally) pays pretty well if I keep at it, hope of buying a nice house, so you make your peace with that I guess.

going out and partying all night is fun, quiet nights in are fun, insecurity that doing one or the other means you're ~doing life wrong~ is not fun

and people who turn their insecurity about aging into an extension of their personality are just boring

had a funny conversation with my oldest yesterday about how both of us wanted to listen to music in clubs but neither of us could handle clubs

vagues sr and jr otm

would like to have a longer response to this thread but my chest hurts when i think about it

and people who turn their insecurity about aging into an extension of their personality are just boring

so otm

that goes equally for the type who can never stop vocally moaning about how they don't go clubbing any more and they're in bed by 9 and oh no, old old old, as if 20-year-olds don't have quiet nights in, and also the type who do the exact same thing from a super-smug perspective, all with the undercurrent of what even are these alien young people

Wouldnt swap knees with klata but that finally wellpaying job and house sound nice.

By dint of being settled down for lyfe (or so i thought) and tied thereby and in other ugly ways to a deadend shithole town from the age of 18 to 24, i've actually enjoyed a big renaissance in my social life after my mid-20's and, after moving to the big city last year, another jump again after 30. Tho tbf it's mainly movie nights and quizzes and organised sports as opposed to raving nights on the batter. No harm in that, rly.

only a few years ago i was still stuck in the childish trap of feeling awkward if i didn't have something going on on a friday or saturday night - but it was pretty much only the fear of people thinking me a billy-no-mates, not the fear that there was somewhere better I could be. I don't know if that's worse than FOMO?

I'm sure loads of people I know are having fun without me! but... it's not like i'd necessarily be having as much fun as them even if i was there? I can find it quite difficult to go out to something, even when it's organised by people very dear to me, because much as I like being sociable it can be emotionally draining-- and also because the awkward bits of making conversation with vague acquaintances and drifting from group to group are still pretty terrifying to me ("oh god i am so boring and plain no-one likes me"). I have a largish group of acquaintance and I like lots of people, and I feel like I could see people more and do certain things more - i definitely don't go out dancing enough! But i'm not missing anything by not being there. I'm just... not there.

so for me I think having FOMO would require fundamentally not knowing myself? the choices that I have made and keep making about what I do, where I go, how i react to situations: those make up the person that I am. I can feel regret about not having done stuff, not having got myself into a different position in life. But I'm not "missing out" on anything. There's no alternate me who might be doing whatever other thing; there's only me.

I'm busier, more active, healthier, and happier now than when I was at uni or in my 20s. Easily. Getting older and shedding neuroses is awesome.

Until recently I experienced not panic so much as self-consciousness about being a single gay man who isn't going to the bars on Sat night or ordering in from OK Cupid. But I've also reached the age at which long dinners with friends -- two nights ago, for example -- trump those other options. I love dinners.

No fomo

I have this a bit about having kids - I can't say I have a strong desire to procreate, which is just as well since my wife is adamant she doesn't want any children, but over the last couple of years most of my friends have made babies, and now one of my closest and oldest friends who used to say she didn't want children either has decided to try and get pregnant. I'm not sure fomo is a good reason to want to have children, tho.

everybody OTM on this - in my case, it's not really the idea that I'd be having so much more fun hitting the bars than cooking an elaborate meal at home - it's more the semi-conscious ache, when going home from the supermarket or w/e and seeing youngsters getting fired up - of letting go and accepting that I'm in a different team now. So basically, this is just me struggling to come to terms with the fact that life changes.

oh FOMO is definitely a thing but it's part and parcel of being a sociable person imo - i'm never going to be the sort who retreats into one's immediate circle of friends and family, i still love socialising and meeting new people, whether that's via raving or dinner parties or whatever.

also all these things are not mutually incompatible! one weekend i might be out clubbing, another i might watch a dvd with the bf, another a sedate dinner party. whichever one trumps the others is whatever i feel like on a given night. i do not confine myself to any particular mode of socialising and neither do i reject any of those as being "for old people" or "for young people" because AGE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER, this is actually true.

but I don't call hanging with friends and or family a retreat

the important thing is to do whatever you feel like doing at that moment

Even if you don't like the Cure...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bhbChiA5D4

The lyrics to this one, which Robert wrote when he had just turned 40 or so, are highly applicable to this thread:

http://www.metrolyrics.com/spilt-milk-lyrics-the-cure.html

I live in a semi-constant balance between young and old due to the nature of my job -- when you're constantly working with a slew of 18 to 21 year olds, either as clientele or workers under your direction, it's hard to miss the constant roil of activity. At the same time I was always enough of a 'relax at home and read' person that I don't feel like I miss the energy so much as acknowledge its presence.

As for alternate paths for the current me? I try not to regret, and where I am right now has been the best in a long while on a personal level -- knowing the risks and uncertainties of life in general, as I was talking with someone the other day, if you told me 'hey you can go back over and see where it takes you this time,' I'd say no. How would I know that actually made for a better life, when maybe it could have been worse?

Been working on a private writing project in memory of someone as well that has caused me to think about this already. I don't know if different actions or decisions would have changed anything at all for either me or the other person, though. I think we made the best out of who we were.

ant and grasshopper. i've spent 46 years having a good time (.............all the time) and now get fomo abt house & kids type stuff.

the important thing is to do whatever you feel like doing at that moment

Yes well - sometimes life is not strictly about doing whatever you feel like doing, eg when family/kids come into the picture. I guess in those circumstances the key is to accept that some things are mutually exclusive. You have to choose what you want more and accept to lose some possibilities in the process. Easier said than done, of course

Oh sure. I was going to add "as long as you don't hurt others" but I thought it was understood.

hen you're constantly working with a slew of 18 to 21 year olds, either as clientele or workers under your direction, it's hard to miss the constant roil of activity.

^^^ this. The other problem -- only tangentially related to this thread -- is how I often lack for adult chatter for a few days because I work with students.

feigning bafflement at young people and their world is one of the pleasures of getting older, as long as you include yr younger self in the mix

Ismael is definitely on to something with the idea that you pare down your interests and wants as you age. I'm very bad at branching out and trying new things, so I often felt like I was missing out on something, whatever nebulous thing that may have been. Now that I'm older I can confidently decide when things are _not_ for me, so I don't feel guilty doing what I know I _do_ like. There are occasional twinges where I feel like I might be missing out on something, but I think that's normal.

I don't owe the world or myself some life that includes everything.

I've said before but there's a weird thing on this site where everyone over 33 is "old" and everyone under 30 is a "kid" (with I guess a 3-yr window of being neither a toddler nor a geriatric), which doesn't even display a lack of perspective so much as an inability to do basic arithmetic

it's true, only we 30-33 year olds are normal here

I go out a lot, but "out" is a relative term, too. It's not always a big night, you know? Sometimes it's Tuesday and it's happy-hour drinks and a slice of pizza. Once in a while when I have no plans on a Saturday night (like this week), I wonder if I should have tried harder to find something to do, but I'm usually too deep in a good dinner and multiple hours of streaming netflix at that point to worry much.

I remember the frantic, fingernail-clawing feeling of anxiety from my teenage years in a small town that things were happening and I was missing them. I don't have a specific memory of feeling that kind of attack again in adulthood, not with the same force.

Yes! I've been around people who think that for some reasons weekends are special and if you don't go somewhere on Friday/Saturday night then you're lame. It's like an eternal high school mentality.

Going out all the time is expensive, I need to cut that out.

yeah it's weird - i've spend the last 15 years going out all the time, often tagging along with people I despised just for the sake of not staying in. So I should be quite aware of the mundane reality of going out, and yet...
Now I feel more and more constrained by this mentality, which pushes me on a friday night to go for a drink with anyone and scoffing at the idea that I could go to bed early so as to get more done the next day. In a similar logic, I still can't consider moving out to a lovelier yet smaller city, eg in Italy where my wife is from, because I still cling to this idea that I need to stay close to all those rooftop parties and pop up store openings (which I never attend these days anymore).
I don't know at this stage it really feels like an antiquated and immature psycological reflex I can't get rid of.

I submit that you're feeling anxiety about something else and expressing/displacing it onto this social thing. You say yourself that this is irrational and you didn't even like the things or ppl from before...so obv you've been affected for a long time by something that's not being accurately identified? Suggest mulling that over and seeing if you can pinpoint what's underneath it.

It could just be a lack of finding something that does feel right to be doing. I've found that the sense of obligation to certain social exercises disappears when you find something you do like.

I'm more the opposite. Naturally I would rather stay in and read/draw/play music/etc. than go out. In my 20s I really went all-in on becoming a social creature, but since turning 30, I have felt that pressure less and less. It's become easier for me to say "No thanks" to going out to a show and just do what I really want, and I love it!

not into getting older being equated to not going out as much tbh OR this continuing ridiculous binary.

what does change though is, oddly, you feel less time pressure...i remember in my early 20s i'd feel like i HAD to go out because i needed to strengthen my relationships with friends, i didn't know how long all this would last, i didn't even know whether a night as potentially great as this could happen again. all illogical obv. now i'm just a lot more sanguine, it feels like my chances to hang out with people in whatever setting will never end.

everything ends bro

FOMO is something that I certainly experience, but it's a subtly destructive force in an adult's life (particularly a married one with a family) and something to be worked on -- I say it's destructive because it can cause you to be absent with or even resent the people to whom you have purportedly devoted your life.

OTOH, one nice thing about getting to do less stuff, is that when you finally do get to do stuff, you appreciate it much more. E.g. yesterday we left K with the mother-in-law for a few hours and went to PS1 and ate at the M.Wells dinette. Just getting to experience some interesting food and to see good art and enjoy some pleasant weather was so exhilarating, whereas we probably would have been jaded about the experience a couple of years ago.

I do agree with Adam that there's also sometimes a certain freedom in having an "excuse" not to go out all the time, when a lot of times I really would rather stay in. There's something very of-our-time about the idea that we're supposed to be accumulating "experiences" constantly -- the bucket list approach to life. But having some genuinely close interaction with your family at home can be a lot more powerful and life-improving than checking yet another box on the restaurants-eaten-at, places-traveled-to, or bands-seen list.

it feels like my chances to hang out with people in whatever setting will never end.

yh and isn't this weird? because actually people are dropping off the radar all the time -- but not in a way that makes me feel frantic. Maybe it's the way social media long-tails relationships but I tend to feel that people could pick up again where they left off without much effort. But then the social group we share has a pretty positive turnover, doesn't just slough people off but picks new and old friends up. And in it there's not a lot of people who've settled down into childrearing, which I imagine would make more of a significant difference.

I always wonder what it says about my choice in friends that so few of them have settled down, whereas so many of my wife's have.

Looking back, I've had a lot of different social phases, and I have enjoyed most of them, but it has always been with the understanding that if I want to do something (anything) I am going to have to do it myself because no one is going to make it happen for me magically. With that in mind, there is no fomo because I am not missing out on things I want; only things that other people want (whether it's going out or having families or w/e).

In some ways I've settled down, and in others I am apparently just getting started. That's ok. It's my life so it's not anyone else's business anyway.

The main thing is that getting older, you are more comfortable with yourself - you've already done the self-definition/self-mythologizing thing. It's not necessarily about stayin in or settling down, it's about doing what YOU really want to do.

I don't have any FOMO right now.

sometimes that fear of missing out is well-founded though -- sometimes the thing(s) that will make you happiest and professionally/emotionally/artistically/spiritually fulfilled are challenging and taking the path of least resistance isn't for the best -- besides, eventually you get arthritis and cancer and need bladder control accessories and die.

Everybody otm, interesting thread.

because AGE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER, this is actually true.

Paradoxically this is especially true for people 30+

i think i got this more when i was younger, the sense that if i stayed in everyone was having some amazing night. it's not necessarily easier to stay in now - but i don't worry that i'll have missed something big if i do. i think it was more common when my nights out were a sort of odyssey over a few days, or they involved seeing djs or something.

i guess the things that excite you kind of change too, at the moment i'm working and studying drama and between those two going out is just a way to let off a bit of steam and relax, not really as big a part of me anymore, not that i don't love it.

i like meeting new people but i think i prefer meeting them in a more protracted way like through my class, it's a lot easier to get to know people like this, i don't find bars and clubs great for getting to know people, prob as much because i or others might be drunk.

i think it's pretty good to make sure you have some activities you can do for happiness that don't depend on anyone else really, and perhaps even that none of your friends do or are involved in.

Paradoxically this is especially true for people 30+

otm - i guess cos nobody in their teens has societal pressure trying to make them feel past it.

xp absolutely, i regret none of my FOMO! FOMO has given me excellent experiences, friendships etc etc.

FOMO isn't a negative imo: it's otherwise known as a hunger for everything life has to offer.

in a way i don't think it's healthy to be so content with your lot and what you know at a young age such that you never get FOMO

i think for some people it's healthy - they just tend to end up boring

I go out a lot, but "out" is a relative term, too. It's not always a big night, you know? Sometimes it's Tuesday and it's happy-hour drinks and a slice of pizza. Once in a while when I have no plans on a Saturday night (like this week),

^^^ this. Dinner will start at 5:30 or 6 pm., and after drinks, entrees, after dinner drinks it's over by 9:30 or so and I'm on my way home content.

I love being over thirty

me too

@ baadertonixx do you do the dinner party thing? man, having people over for dinner once or twice a week is pretty much all the hangs I need

If I could fuck someone on the invitation list I'd be content with doing nothing but read Browning monologues all week

I sometimes have a slight fear of missing out, but for me, it has to do with your point of reference. I mean, missing out from...what? Having 'fun' can mean a few different things. Sometimes socialising is not fun. Sometimes people drain me out.

So, the fear of missing out, for me, has to do with the unrealistic goals my family and parents set for me, which I spent most of my life somehow trying to achieve, which is kind of sad. So, many times I'll choose not to socialise or do anything that does not contribute anything valuable in my life. Basically, anything that can be viewed as wasting time, in a traditional sense, which I actually don't agree with, but it has been so deeply ingrained in me, it's like a habit. I feel bad whenever I'm just 'there', not doing anything of worth. But I think this has to do with having very successful parents/family. So, I was taught that 'fun' should mean 'valuable' or 'meaningful in the grand scheme of things', on a 'macro level'. And this fun = meaningfully valuable = x, where x can be various things, depends on your set of circumstances and beliefs. And that's how I like to see it. Because it's difficult for my father to understand that, he didn't exactly have it easy, but he lived in better times, in general, or times which gave more chances to those looking for it. Kind of don't want to get into too much.

But in the end, I end up staying home and have learnt to enjoy my time alone and have fun learning something (new), even though I feel like telling my dad, "Uh, you know very few people can ever be a super genius and be one of few great physicists that ever lived, right?"

My apologies if this is uncomfortably personal, but I'm sure many have felt like this or have been in a similar situation.

It was FOMO that meant on Saturday I went to bed at midnight, but found myself dancing in a club at 1.30am. FOMO also caused me some anguish earlier in the year when I broke five bones in my right foot. Pretty glad I was only inactive for 3 months, surgeon said it could be 12..

I had an interesting experience re: fomo when I was 22. I had had a breakup and a promiscuous follow-up summer and decided to try celibacy for a while, see what effect it had on my life. It lasted five months (and ended with me hooking up with and staying with my partner of ten years). For that celibate period, I was leaving parties at the correct time, turning down social activity that I felt skeptical of, and generally getting a higher quality of social life. It made me think that a lot of my desire for social activity (or fomo) was rooted in sexual desire and the ego-fulfillment of satisfying those desires. Or just the feeling of being invited somewhere.

i'm worried about how many people seem to think intense, hedonistic socialising in large groups is a bad thing, or a necessary evil, or something to be tired of. i regret none of it, and choosing quiet nights in over it doesn't exclude it. also it's LOTS OF FUN. partying is fun, staying out too late is fun, hanging out with lots and lots of people who aren't necessarily your very best friends (and some who are) is fun. old people on this thread are making me feel young again

I think the F of fomo is probably the most important part -- if you are being controlled by fear, you are already missing out.

i do agree w/ lex that FOMO can be a positive force. i suffered from it the most when i was stuck in a small town after university in an unhappy relationship & living situation. most of my friends were in london or other places that seemed infinitely more exciting than where i was. i was actually missing out and the fear was justified i think. it motivated me to reconsider what i wanted and change my life for the better.

as i approach 30 i definitely feel the FOMO less and it's very liberating. the balance of staying in and going out comes more naturally to me now. i still enjoy the occasional odyssey every few months but i'm never afraid to call it a day when i've had enough. a new job with a lot more responsibility changed my outlook significantly in a way i didn't really see coming beforehand. i thought the only way i'd stop going out all weekend was if it started becoming noticeably bad for my health. pleasantly surprised by getting older!

lex, some of us do not get joy from socialising in large groups.

i'm worried about how many people seem to think intense, hedonistic socialising in large groups is a bad thing, or a necessary evil, or something to be tired of.

lex, some of us do not get joy from socialising in large groups.

In response to both:

Recently read a biography of Nureyev about how he loved to have parties and things going on more often than not wherever he was at but how he liked to be to the side of it all so he could pick up the energy but still chill. The most extreme moment mentioned was when Ferdinand Marcos took his request for a boat ride in Manila's harbor as a sign to call out everyone and send him on a big fancy presidential yacht with tons of people. Nureyev confessed to Marcos during the ride he just wanted a small boat and proceeded to enjoy the rest of the day while chilling on a sailboat tugged by the yacht, where he could hear everything going on but didn't have to directly deal with it all.

I'm actually more myself in big parties: it's easier to carve a space in which I can be myself without being myself.

*without being BY myself, rather

Yeah I've pretty much got that down as well. Very handy at the right moments.

hanging out with lots and lots of people who aren't necessarily your very best friends (and some who are) is fu

I think key to this enjoyment is the ability to maintain the illusion that you have something in common with these people, some sort of shared attitude or point-of-view or mutual appreciation of something.

but it is pretty illusory usually, beyond the most basic "organisms enjoy intoxicants and potential for sex"/biological stuff

Is it? That's what I meant about being myself though. It's easier for me to drop into other people's conversations and be welcomed for using Soto-esque banalities.

i agree with alfred. i get a little anxious meeting new people but eventually i find it relaxing to be able to tell my shit stories and jokes to people without repeating myself

I'm referring specifically to large events - clubs, concerts, sporting events, etc.

xxp - i acted on my fear of missing out yesterday, and ended up hanging out with Shakey Mo and his fam.

parties of music nerds are a-okay with me obviously :)

would love to give Shakey Mo Soto-esque banalities

did you know his daughter is an Alison Moyet fan?

WAHT

Until now this knowledge was to him...invisible.

I think key to this enjoyment is the ability to maintain the illusion that you have something in common with these people, some sort of shared attitude or point-of-view or mutual appreciation of something.

no it's not! i mean, anyone i consider a close friend, sure, but with big house parties where i get to see casual friends (of increasingly long standing: people in the same wider social circle that i don't actually see that often, but whom i still like) or people i don't know if i'll see again or not, i love socialising with people who aren't within my friendship bubble.

I agree with lex

Recently read a biography of Nureyev about how he loved to have parties and things going on more often than not wherever he was at but how he liked to be to the side of it all so he could pick up the energy but still chill.

this is the most alien to me tbh. when i want to chill i don't want to be near any parties. when i want to be near parties i don't want to chill by myself. this sounds like the worst of both worlds.

Yes, lex. And again, you can be whoever you want. I've found that with age I get better and better at it. The one part about Beltway media I don't get is the dismissal of Georgetown cocktail parties. If I could I'd hit one of those once a week!

there is nothing banal or illusory about socialising with other humans imo

but then I get the increasing impression that I'm more extraverted than a lot of ilxors, like, if I only socialized once or twice a week, I'd feel like Catherine Deneuve in Repulsion

this is the most alien to me tbh. when i want to chill i don't want to be near any parties. when i want to be near parties i don't want to chill by myself. this sounds like the worst of both worlds.

not sure this is what Nureyev (or Ned) is saying? Especially since I've seen Ned work a room in a party. What they mean is that the energy emitted by other people enlivens your own performance.

The one part about Beltway media I don't get is the dismissal of Georgetown cocktail parties. If I could I'd hit one of those once a week!

Like they exist. Probably just Sally Quinn asking you if you want another Shirley Temple or Old Fashioned.

not sure this is what Nureyev (or Ned) is saying? Especially since I've seen Ned work a room in a party. What they mean is that the energy emitted by other people enlivens your own performance.

True. I'm not Nureyev (on any number of levels, starting with alive v. dead), but it wasn't that he was explicitly antisocial in such a social setting, more that he went with the flow and managed it well in the way he wanted.

(Wait I work a room? I suppose I do. I just talk to people!)

i meant the yacht anecdote

What is 'socialising'? I talk to people all day at work most days, play football with people twice a week, have two record clubs and a boardgame club I go to, a handful of people I cycle with... Evenings off are a break from this!

I think there's a wide gulf between house parties and the bar scene, tho

The Nureyev thing makes a lot of sense when you remember that he was the most famous dancer in the world at the time

Rather.

i'm worried about how many people seem to think intense, hedonistic socialising in large groups is a bad thing, or a necessary evil, or something to be tired of.

I don't think anyone's making any value judgements itt (except you obv), people are just saying that they personally don't enjoy these things anymore?

Almost all of my friendships are close, in that I'd go out to dinner with or an event with one or two people, and that'd be it. lots of conversation about shared interests and in-jokes and so on.

On the other hand, I have a few friends who seem to invite groups of no less than 5+ out every weekend. It's a completely different type of interaction. I like that occasionally, as it's kind of difficult to branch out socially if you only are with one or two people at a time, but it's just not a social interaction I'm all that into.

House parties versus bars is a tricky line. With a a house party that's more dinner party-style or one where everyone's playing a game, it can end up being more tiring. If it's one where there are lots of small conversations going on that you can selectively join, or small groups that meet each other, it's a lot more like a bar to me. Bars are great in that I can feel "social" without really conversing with more than one person at a time, and there's the ability to possibly strike up a conversation with one or two people without feeling like you have to belong to a large group.

I'm not sure if this a textbook form of introversion, or just a preference.

<q>i'm worried about how many people seem to think intense, hedonistic socialising in large groups is a bad thing, or a necessary evil, or something to be tired of.</q>

Yeah not sure anyone is saying this. I still love socialising in large groups despite the fact that I don't do this that often now not because of age but as a result of life obligations (family, work, house, etc).
I think the point is that FOMO is pretty counter-productive when it prevents you from enjoying the life path you've chosen, whatever it is. For me it's probably part of a bigger problem I have of always worrying more about what I'm missing out on than what I'm actually doing (also applies to books, music, restaurants, etc - where I'm always thinking about what else I could be reading/listening/etc right now)

I agree with Scik Mouthy and mh.

spring break foreveeeeeeeeeeer

otm

I like going out with large groups of hedonists to late night comedy clubs

Yeah well trying the only person in the audience for a particularly zingy stand-up

I like going out with large groups of hedonists to late night comedy clubs

most dinner parties i go to or host end up with everyone wasted and dancing.

sort of elephant in the room of this discussion is drugs. major hedonism becomes less easy if you decide you don't want to do certain types anymore - ime everybody has a diff blend of drugs that suits them, and i'm obv including legal ones here too.

yeah tuttutting at teetotals for not enjoying parties as much as you is nagl

It really depends on the local social environment, but the people who are 25 years old and bargoing are a bit different than those who are 35 years old and bargoing.

there's also teetotaling versus people who binge drank as youth and now don't drink versus people who are career alcoholics

well, and people who still enjoy bargoing and drinking in moderation

Do we have a binge drinking story thread

you mean like individual stories of nights out? we really should.

I'm too old for this 'bargo-ing'

haha, I just saw that and thought "wtf did I type"

bar-going

most dinner parties i go to or host end up with everyone wasted and dancing.

I have no idea how this is supposed to be a response to darragh's comedy thing but this is my experience of dinner parties too (though I haven't been to many and never host them)

m-bargoing-h

my dinner parties are lame, no one dances, maybe I should move the coffee table

My dinner parties end with movies and everyone going home no worse than tipsy

play more mid eighties McCartney

maybe you should stop embargoing h xxp

i mean it prob wouldn't lead to dancing tbf

I have no idea how this is supposed to be a response to darragh's comedy thing but this is my experience of dinner parties too (though I haven't been to many and never host them)

ah i guess i just meant to back his point (if it was his point) that hedonism can occur at a wide variety of events.

most dinner parties end in dancing? seriously? dinner parties ime involve eating, talking, usually moderate drinking, and going home. lots of talking. but dancing? i haven't gone to a party that ended in dancing in YEARS. fomo sad trombone.

I turn 30 in a week and I am freaking the fuck out over this pretty much constantly

lol lg I assumed he was just trolling lex tbh

a few weeks ago i went to a party that ended in dancing to New Order and Drunks With Guns, a disco ball being smashed, and lots of binge drinking (i turn 39 in 3 months)

although I still agree! xp

you're prob right actually. naivety on my part.

I expect that from you, sarahell

idk, it depends on where you live and the life you live

our weekend in Ogunquit had a surprising amount of twerking

idk, it depends on where you live and the life you live

was just trying to illustrate that point as well

you living in party city, capital of coolsville

with me it's just that I know some cool people who manage to lead stable lives AND hold dinner parties that turn into mini-raves. I would never be able to do that kinda stuff under my own steam, I rely on being pulled into the orbit of these kinds of people. It's funny, my first reaction to the word "party" is always "oh man a bunch of strangers WHOM I DON'T EVEN KNOW, thanks but no", but when I'm actually at these things I remember that people and drinking and dancing and drugs and conversation are all great

i should be invited to more dinner parties like that bc i am a lot of fun, but alas

i'm worried about how many people seem to think intense, hedonistic socialising in large groups is a bad thing, or a necessary evil, or something to be tired of.

The way you phrased this is so perfect. The thrill of doing something bad is the thrill of rebellion. Part of this is societal norms, part of it is marketing. At any rate the same beer and cigarette companies are happy selling you their products where you are a working stiff who just wants a beer while zoning out to TV on the weekends, or the punk rocker who drinks while saying "Fuck the man!" Both are going to have hangovers the next day, both are going to feel shitty, and both are going to kill brain cells.

where whether

My 'dinner parties' are either LAN parties or playing strategy/turn-based board games (Risk, Axis & Allies, etc.) whilst drinking tea or watching movies.

Am I the only one here who's played Dungeons and Dragons? :S

I played D&D in junior high - but that was over 25 yrs ago

local area network parties?

hmm learned today that the word 'fomo' really annoys me

you're missing out

I used to have LAN parties back in the day. That's cool that even in the age of the Internet there are still LAN parties going on! What do you guys play, Unreal Tournament?

I have friends nearing 40, and they still get together once a week to play D&D.

Diablo, Civ, mixed with A&A in between.

The transfer over to Steam put us off, though. Anyway, I don't play/do any of this stuff since I've moved recently.

I think I have mild agoraphobia or something, because when I reached the stay at home w/the kids phase, it felt more like relief than missing out.

I guess I get fomo sometimes, but, really, when has leaving the house every actually done anybody any good?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blitz

xpost:
"Both are going to kill braincells"
A quick google search out of curiosity tells me that you're wrong

i don't think that brain cells not actually getting killed really detracts from the point

see I hate parties because I have social anxiety, but I LOVE clubs because I can just people watch and be a creep voyeur and not talk to anyone.

Someday h2 and I are going to realize we've creeped at each other that way in some random place

I realized last week that life (well, at least my life) has too many "wrong place, wrong time" punch lines. Most recent ones would be that I was kind of at a place where working remotely a while would have been a great idea last year, but I wasn't at a place where my job/manager would really make that possible. By mid-this year, I have a different manager and several people in my group have worked remotely for months at a time.

I also would have really liked to visit friends in the northeast a couple times when I was on a nearby vacation over the past couple years, but they temporarily moved away so one of them could finish nursing school. Now that they're back, it's a year when I haven't been able to travel that way for much time.

However, the opportunity for free donuts at work has been high, so I've been honing my sweet tooth.

I get fomo when thinking about friends who have kids, so yeah I suppose it's normal

― -- A smile on a dog, Stephen answered, (flamboyant goon tie included), Monday, August 12, 2013 5:45 AM (17 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

about to turn 37 and i don't really feel like i'm missing out? i've been pushing myself to do more creative things lately -- i actually got into a slump in my earlier thirties because of writers' block/depression/complacency, but i think that's over now. as far as going out and "partying," a little of that goes a very very long way with me. as long as i do it once in a blue moon, i'm okay. i do like throwing parties, but small ones, with food and music. my last dinner party was so much fun!

I didn't mean to sound missing-out per se, just that my life is on a weird alternate track

OK, longer answer: 35, (common law) married. Went back to school last year to obtain a Masters (with much urging from my bf) after the anxiety over my life going nowhere got to be too much. The FOMO over our mutual fear about not being as far ahead in life as we should ties into the FOMO over not having children yet--obviously more difficult for us as it is for heteros (we're still debating adoption vs. surrogracy, for one thing)--which, for us, is less an issue of keeping up with our friends our age who have kids than it is of not wanting to be too old when it finally happens.

I do consider it a major sign of personal growth, however, that my recent FOMOing is centred around these kinds of issues rather than "do I go out enough?" and stuff like that.

^ yeah that's basically the same as me. My 30s fomo has been almost entirely "children y/n" instead of "partytime y/n". The ins and outs of surrogacy and adoption for homo couples is a whole other discussion tho

My internal reaction to new parent-friends who're complaining about poo diapers and no sleep is WELL GEE MUST BE NICE

I do consider it a major sign of personal growth, however, that my recent FOMOing is centred around these kinds of issues rather than "do I go out enough?" and stuff like that.

dunno why you'd consider this growth

lex nobody is oppressing your right to party through your 30s

*pours lex a glass of crémant*

lex, there are some cultural norms or even ways to spend time that some people view as difficult to achieve or even not that interesting, but still feel some sort of societal pressure to participate in. Right now, you're being that societal pressure, so knock it off.

Yeah. Not suggesting that hitting 30 = time to settle down, stop partying, etc. I'm just saying that where we are at right now is wanting to have kids, stability, careers and all that adult stuff. Are we unconsciously conforming to cultural standards that dictate that this is where you should be at this point in life and all that? I dunno, maybe. I'm not gonna spend too much time analyzing it. All I know is that the time I spend mourning not going to shows (was never much for the clublife unless it was for the purpose of seeing live music) or whatever else pales in comparison to the time I spend mourning not yet being as far ahead, careerwise, as I could be, and not yet being a parent.

(xpost, I should add. I wasn't suggesting lex knock it off. I was just engaging with the question he posed.)

lex, there are some cultural norms or even ways to spend time that some people view as difficult to achieve or even not that interesting, but still feel some sort of societal pressure to participate in. Right now, you're being that societal pressure, so knock it off.

being told to settle down, grow up, stop partying, have kids because that's what sensible adults do ISN'T this?

i'm not criticising other people's choices or desires, i just don't like the "all that arduous socialising is only for kids!!!!" tone

people can suffer contradictory societal pressures!

if we were only being told to be one kind of person all the time life would be a great deal less anxiety-inducing.

I've not noticed anyone in this thread tell anyone else to settle down and have kids.

i've not noticed anyone tell anyone else to go partying, either

yes, but people have posted about feeling guilt about not even wanting to go party

idk, party if you want to, have kids if you want to, do both if you can. but don't feel any obligation to do any of the above

yeah not sure why this thread is going in that direction - it's generally more to do with a grass being greener complex than social pressure

have all the kids you want to but continue to party it up three nights a week too

I experience a strain of this, or something much like it, more or less constantly now. I think it's got a lot to do with loads of my mates getting their first jobs out of uni in London. They all seem to be having a cracking time of it on a semi-permanent basis now (seem - facebook is the absolute worst for exacerbating these concerns) while I'm stuck living in the same house in the same suburb with the same people I've been with on-and-off since I was born.

I definitely have an overwhelming sense that I didn't make anywhere near enough of university and now the golden sands of my youth feel like they're flowing ever faster off into the ether; meanwhile I keep going to the same pubs and doing the same commute to work I did twice a day for years getting to and from school.

Tbh this thread (and ILX generally actually - no snark intended -) make me feel quite a lot better about getting older. I mean obvs I know that life doesn't stop at 30, but christ if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. The occasions I feel that way always lead to me attempting to do something youthful and impulsive, which more often than not is a total let down. That's probably quite telling I suppose

Facebook etc are highlight reels. You always compare them to your own cutting room floor.

It's not about "oh i'm too old to party" it's about growing comfortable doing what you want to do. There is immense pressure to spend your time 'really living' by going out to parties/clubs and not staying home painting/reading books, and this pressure feeds into the guilt.

I've found that going to 2-3 shows/art openings/house parties/etc a night and staying up til the sun comes up is fine but offers diminished returns. Nowadays if I do go out to a party, it's a more rarefied occasion, and it's more special because of that. Also I think I have Agoraphobia, I've always been sort of edgy about being in enclosed spaces packed with drunk people.

Andrew W.K. to thread. He'd probably say that staying in and reading a book is just as PARTY as anything, if it's truly what you want to do.

don't worry, Andrew W.K. is out somewhere partying for you

and if not, lex can always fill in

facebook is the absolute worst for exacerbating these concerns

seriously! even though one knows, intellectually, that most people only talk about the positive stuff going on in their lives on facey b (bar the odd post to elicit quick sympathy/agreement), you still get tricked by its diaristic style & immediacy into feeling dull and unengaged by comparison. (apparently the engendering of feelings of inadequacy is even worse with pinterest, but i don't even know how pinterest works so w/e)

xxpost - Oh yeah of course, I'm only too aware of how unrepresentative Facebook photos of people when they're out and about usually are. Plenty of photos of me looking like I was out on some sort of bacchanalian rampage when in truth the night stank and I was tucked up in bed by 2. Still, not so easy to rationalise like that after the fourth drink at 11pm on a lonely Friday night.

lex should be happy some people are fine with not partying, because those are the ones that were only there because they were young and uncoupled and trying to find a mate to buy a house and have kids with, imo

more partying for the rest of us

xp-to-self though actually the effect of facebook in my life is more to make me hate everyone i follow for their trite reblog choices

haha very true

I'm sure this would be more of an issue if I didn't have kids. They create such an immediate obstacle to going out all the time that staying in becomes the social norm and the fact that I do still manage to enjoy concerts, parties, festivals, drinks with friends, etc fairly regularly feels like an achievement. I know some, esp those who moved out of the city, who effectively gave up on a social life - next to them I'm Bianca Jagger riding a white horse through Studio 54.

I like Lex's attitude itt.

Well beyond 40, I have simply accepted missing out, bcz others (like my friend with the lucrative job who I see at a bar once or twice a month for exactly two drinks) may be "missing out" more (in some ways).

"missing out" implies that there's some sort of life balance that you feel is imbalanced. if you're making one choice at what you believe is the expense of another, that's compromise, not missing out, imo.

This thread is great! I've always referred to it as FOMS (fear of missing something.) It's a very real thing, and I do suffer from it occasionally, much to my wife's amusement/chagrin (she's much more satisfied as a homebody than a goer-outer.) Even far past late 30s, with two kids, I do manage to practice and gig with two bands, and see the major shows/events that mean the most to me. There's a hell of lot of stuff I'm invited to and put on the calendar that I pass up, though. Yeah, it's about compromise.

FOMO vs. Fear of not Accomplishing Great Things

hanging out w. ppl i feel guilty for not pursuing important projects. pursuing important projects i feel guilty for not hanging out with people.

i take a weekend day to just relax and sleep in and i keep telling myself 'this is ok, you're allowed to do this, you didn't waste the day'

and then i just screw around on ilx anyway so lol

It would be more rational to fear you are missing out on where you are this moment and what you are doing right now, through distraction and inattention, than to fear you are missing out on some unidentified other place and other activity that you can't be sure exists outside your imagination. But then I am one of those people who hates fun anyway.

idk seems like being somewhere else is a lot more likely of a way to miss out on something tbrr

I've heard all the stories
The failures and glories I haven't had either
Boast and toast I'm the best and I'm a mess
I know I'm not neither
Thought I was down as far as any man could go
Thought my highs were giant size
I know now that's not so
I know you heard, know you heard, know you heard
Don't believe a word, not a word, one word
It's been overblown, the truth should be known
Til now I couldn't see
Put my cards on the table while I'm still able
I guess I really don't know how to party

It's blown out of whack, the truth is what's lacking
Til now I couldn't see
The long and the short I'd like to report
I guess I really don't know how to party

Really don't by any shape or form
Whether straight up in the sunshine
Or passed out in a storm
Don't know how but now I know I don't
Will it help me out?
No, it probably won't

Ten nine ain't no hero
Number one at bad behavior
Five, four, three, two, what? not zero
Don't go counting on a savior

I was playing it safe when I'd fall on my face
Entertainment was what I was after
Harmless fun, no damage done
I was out and about for the laughter
Thought I was something really something no one was gonna touch
Ace in the place, kingpin of sin I didn't know too much
Don't believe everything you've heard
Don't believe a solitary word

It's been overblown, the truth should be known
Til now I couldn't see
Put my cards on the table while I'm still able
I guess I really don't know how to party
Really don't by any shape or form
Whether straight up in the sunshine
Or passed out in a storm
Don't know how but now I know I don't
Will it help me out, no it probably won't
I don't have a notion and I don't have a clue
An iota or an inkling where to start or what to do
The foggiest, the faintest, the slightest I ain't got
Will it help me out? Nah, probably not

Theoretically, of all the places you could exist at any particular moment, there is a non-zero chance that being some other place would result in a greater amount of immediate or eventual pleasure than being where one is, so that anyone may feel confident they will never reach the theoretical maximum of pleasure they might have attained through optimal management of one's opportunities. Once you've grasped this inevitability, it becomes as reasonable to fear this as it would be to fear having to breathe or blink. There's no getting around it, like death it is outside your control.

ah that's not helping at all at all

try a bit of the old om mane padme om.

Yes, I've thought alot about this recently. It is human nature to look back at a time and wish it had gone _this_ way, to wonder what life would be like if you hadn't made the choices you made. As a child I used to spend time thinking about what life would be like if I had been born in a different time period.

There are several reasons why this is a huge waste of time. First of all no-one can know the future, so there is no telling if you DID have the chance to go back in time and try to fix things for the better, if some freak accident would have killed you that you missed by doing what you did in the real timeline. Along the same lines, even if you survived long enough to arrive at the same point in time, you would likely have VASTLY different experiences, and would for all purposes be a completely different person than who you are. At that point things start getting paradoxical. If you could truly travel back in time and do things differently, you would be turning your back on all the experiences, all the memories and lessons, that made you who you are. The more you wish things could be hypothetically different, the more you deny your own - very real - existence.

I wish I could put it a clearer way but at a certain point it almost makes logical sense that the sequence of events through time is per-determined. Maybe they get per-determined after they happen?

For me, when I used to get this fear, it was based on the panic that each opportunity would NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, that I was missing some wild and unique experience that would advance my development as a person, that if I had only been there would have opened up whole new worlds and opportunities to me. So I went to a bunch of crazy loft/factory parties, several hundred dance nights, some good, some bad, some a total waste of my time, lots of them amazing and rich with hilarious stories.

I've been in New York now for around 15 years and just don't have that fear anymore, but I did get to partake of most of the types of events I used to want to do, so I guess I feel like it's okay now? I pretty much know the script for those things, I can be more selective now.

Fear of missing out, the suspicion you already missed out that one time that would have opened all the doors you'll never know even existed

Does it matter? Probably not. And yet...

Yes but why focus on a party or a show or other Important Events? Why not be terrified that if you don't walk out your front door right this second, you won't meet the love of your life? Or what about if you put away your clothes in one hour rather than right after doing the laundry that it will set about a chain of events that will END THE WORLD?

I wore my black socks today instead of the dark navy blue ones and because of that my life in 2046 is a complete mess.

@ Adam: Those things have been true my whole life, but being from a small town with no options meant feeling absolutely crushingly certain that Things Were Happening, somewhere, that would fulfill me, but that I had no access to, and time was passing, and I would never get that wasted time back. I think I went a little numb to that after a while because life was hard enough as it was, and 10 years later I would be in NY and finally being the self I had imagined being, and it WAS fulfilling, and here I am.

But maybe if you had been from NY in the first place it would never have felt fulfilling and you would have been jaded from day one.

Maybe you would have ended up fantasizing about living in a small town with no options!

Sure! I'm only speaking from what happened to me. I don't feel that anymore because I did what I wanted, and it was what I had been missing, and it worked, and now I don't worry about it anymore, I don't think.

Man, this thread. Yeah.

You know what? All I want is a little more. I'd like to get back to seeing 6-8 new movies a year, go on a vacation at least every two years, get to know the art/culture spots locally, turn over a leaf now and again. Just have the sense that I'm not calcifying. Making small steps that direction. That aside, I'm cool.

36, married with a kid. Don't miss partying, never liked clubs or even live music, really.

All your dreams will come true
All my dreams came true
But now, I have a bunch of other dreams

in orbit 100% otm, that's exactly my experience too! right down to having become the person i wanted to be (and FOMO propelled me into that). also important that not feeling the need to constantly do them derives from that "knowing the script" rather than having been jaded by them.

i really, really love in orbit's posts there, resonating so much with me, wish ilx had a favouriting button

FOMO vs. Fear of not Accomplishing Great Things

Oh yeah I used to set my watch by FONAGT; always had some unfulfillable career plan or get-rich-quick scheme in mind, a book half-plotted and part-written, some project for self-improvement nebulously gestating. It passed the time but is a bit of a frustrating way to live because these things generally don't come about - or more likely, they do if you really go for it more than I ever do, and get lucky to boot. But it turns out having kids cured it at a stroke - even if I do write a decent-seller or put out an album, or get elected to parliament or whatever, it's going to be just a hobby against the actual significance of my life.

Idk it's kind of an unexpected bonus because I didn't realise it'd happen, but for now it's completely clear to me what the point of me is. Now I'm just getting on with things and bad stuff's got to be pretty bad indeed to get under my skin because, hey, I've got to be home in an hour to get the dinner ready, so

I had a Fear Of Not Getting Away From This Family which swamped FONAGT completely and once #1 was achieved i wasnt too fussed about #2 tbh

But maybe if you had been from NY in the first place it would never have felt fulfilling and you would have been jaded from day one.

― Emperor Cos Dashit (Adam Bruneau), Wednesday, 14 August 2013 03:56 (7 hours ago) Bookmark

holla

But maybe if you had been from NY in the first place it would never have felt fulfilling and you would have been jaded from day one.

― Emperor Cos Dashit (Adam Bruneau), Wednesday, 14 August 2013 03:56 (7 hours ago) Bookmark

holla

― r|t|c, Wednesday, August 14, 2013 10:39 AM (55 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

sup.

isn't it funny how people

I had to google fomo.

Anyway, fear of missing out precedes the (obvious) realization that in your late 30s, married with a kid or kids, your life is so totally different from what it used to be that to compare your current self to your former self is folly. Best to just move on and go with it. I'm not a different person, but considering just about every aspect of my life is different, I might as well be a different person, too, and I spend so much of my life doing stuff I never used to do that staying in Saturday night (god forbid) is just another different thing I do now. I'm acutely aware of other routes my life and career could have taken, especially those routes my current life prevents (relocating, say, or traveling), and it can be a bit depressing, but I also think emotional wanderlust is enough of a part of the human condition that there's really no avoiding it, no matter what you do. Grass is always greener, etc.

This is why I'm not much of a fan of Getting Things Done or bucket lists...they encourage this kind of mentality where you're trying to pack in as much as possible against a stressful oppressed sense that time is running out. Soon the pleasure of activities can fade away as the important thing is to get them done and to not miss anything.

I was recently around some friends that had a lot of great experiences that shaped who they are and their group dynamic, but most of those interactions happened in their late teens and early 20s. I didn't really feel like I missed out -- there were a lot of factors that made me take a different path (living just outside of town, not having a fake ID, not really being into that scene) but it made me realize that there's not really a time limit on finding things to do.

The same people had other very life-altering and amazing experiences in recent years, and it was mostly because they haven't settled into a niche. I feel like some people have a comfortable niche while others really don't and constantly need to explore new realms in their lives.

If you're afraid you're missing out on something, there's always time to delve into it, as long as you balance it with the choices you have made. As long as you're not a middle-aged crisis dude who gets divorced, dates a 21 year old, and buys a corvette you're probably ok.

idk thats a p sweet route too

right down to having become the person i wanted to be (and FOMO propelled me into that).

This is similar to Gore Vidal's line about hating when your friends become successful; it also becomes a spur. Envy is underrated as spur and vitamin.

I've been thinking about this the past few days and wanted to express myself more than a few pithy comments.

In my opinion, fear-of-missing-out is being used to describe a number of different situations itt. Situations that are relatable but not equatable.

Me, I've always thought fomo was specifically a late-teen, early 20s thing, and strictly social. The desire to be somewhere regardless of how much fun you'll have there. Envy of Instagram accounts, posting Instagrams to incur the envy of others. Fomo at its most active, in my experience, is when you see people in their 20s at a party and on their phone looking for a better party. I've totally been there; I did Coachella at age 24 and thought it was lame but still felt the feeling of being left out every year afterward when I wasn't there.

In short, a lot of the other things expressed itt (including baaderonix's original post) in my opinion, are not really the same thing as what I've come to think of as fomo.

As a side note: noted friend of a few ILXors M1chael C0bb is writing his next book on this idea of fomo.

In my 30s, I have felt what baaderonix has described-- the feeling that my social life just isn't what it used to be. I've also felt lex and in orbits feeling of "being better able to navigate toward good social activity and away from lame social activity". Overall, though, I've felt diminishing returns since age 24.

The source of these diminishing returns has in my experience been possibly related to several factors:

1. Age 20-24 was awesome and my body was indestructible and despite poverty it was hilarious fun.
2. With each year more of my friends have moved away, lost touch, or died.
3. Others have started families or deliberately given up on the nightlife for other reasons.
4. Still others have monetized their social life, usually through working in bars, either as bartenders, bar owners, DJs, hosts, party promoters, or working in art galleries, or theatre, and so on, to the point that at age 32 there was reliably two or three things a night that I could go and see happen, but my friends there would be working and

whoops, hit Tab accidentally...

... my friends there would be working and/or the social interaction would be mitigated by loud music or a show or whatever.

Anyway, regardless of what caused it, I started to feel as if every night out was a poor imitation of an awesome night I'd already had. I couldn't walk by a club-closed-down or a restaurant without remembering some fantastic night of all-night-dancing or late-night-Chinese and I basically got caught up in the flotsam of my own nostalgia.

So I moved to a new city and everything worked out great. Every night out feels new and exciting, I've made many new friends and had many acquaintances upgrade themselves to close friends. So yeah: baaderonix, maybe you should try a year in Italy and see what happens.

I definitely agree with the feeling that going to social events or places and mostly relating to the owners/bartenders/artists is definitely a thing.

definitely, apparently

Fomo at its most active, in my experience, is when you see people in their 20s at a party and on their phone looking for a better party.

otmfm.

Also bands not wanting to headline their own show because there is another better show that they want to go to. They just want to play first and get out of there because they have someplace cooler to be.

Anyway, regardless of what caused it, I started to feel as if every night out was a poor imitation of an awesome night I'd already had. I couldn't walk by a club-closed-down or a restaurant without remembering some fantastic night of all-night-dancing or late-night-Chinese and I basically got caught up in the flotsam of my own nostalgia.

^ love this, i'm not even sure i recognise it but it's beautifully put

I graduated to mostly staid friends when I hosted a low-key NYE party and with the exception of two couples who were party-hopping, everyone stayed there the whole night

I fear that having a pretty active social life means I don't get enough time to read

oh god yes piles of unread books related guilt

"i can't put this on the shelf otherwise i won't remember to read it" = books scattered around my desk as 'reminders'

Oh god yes.

I do this with records and CDs, my to-play pile that sometimes waits almost a year.

oh jesus most of my living room becomes stacks of things to read or things I am "reading" because I wanted to revisit an article

hauling the same two books and copy of the baffler around in my bag for months because i will 'read it on the train' and never do

piles of unread books related guilt

Oh shit, this. We're moving soon, and starting to pack some stuff up, and my wife suggested I take the opportunity to cull some books. I told her I didn't want to, and she said if they were books I wanted to read again, that's fine. I told her they were mostly books I've had for years that I've never read. And then the cloud descended ...

This reminds me of a time when I used to keep my class notes because I wanted to revisit them. So I would have stacks of notes from a class I took three or four years ago.

I don't feel guilty but sad that there are books I will never read or be aware of their existence.

Books unread I sort of understand if buying a bunch on a particular topic but records never played? Don't get this at all

Not unplayed new records, but old stuff I'll think about and pull out. Like man, I should really listen to Country Life by Roxy Music again, it's been years, but I need a free night at home after the wife and kids are asleep to crack a beer and really listen. I might have vinyl night once or twice a month, tops.

I have a couple unplayed records :/

that's better than nothing
why all the pressure, ppl? enjoy those 1-2 nights per month and carry on!

I have a few unplayed records due to getting a FLAC/MP3 album version of it. I don't want to wear them out, and I just happen to not have a good sound system at the moment.

Bit bemused that 'missing out' seems to focus on evenings out, books and records... by the late 30s isn't it more about relationships, children, jobs etc?

And once you have all of that, you can miss out on missing out.

I think the point is rather that ppl have those latter things and are wondering if they're missing out on the first three. xp

You can always worry that you're missing out by not having better relationships, children, and jobs...

Bit bemused that 'missing out' seems to focus on evenings out, books and records... by the late 30s isn't it more about relationships, children, jobs etc?

― mohel hell (Bob Six), Wednesday, 14 August 2013 19:45 (17 minutes ago) Permalink

I apologize for projecting too much, since I'm still on the other end of 30s for a lil' bit

I kind of think lex is jumping the gun further, but it could be because I feel he has an aura of perpetual youth

Haven't read the whole thread but Lex pretty much OTM throughout. I admire people older than me who still know how to go out and have fun without appearing embarrassing or desperate to hold onto some sort of youthful ideal. I also cringe when I see people my age (32) acting like they can't wait to reach some sort of stereotypical middle agedness, especially people who don't have kids/mortgage/demanding career yet but still think that because they've reached a certain number it's time to start wearing sensible shoes and sneering at young people (not to mention older people who still like going out or dressing 'cool' on occasion). The difference is marked where I live because venues and pubs seem to have very strict age borderlines. I was greeted with horror when I told some of my friends I was going out clubbing in London on NYE this year - 'isn't it going to be full of YOUNG people?!'... As it happened I was among the youngest of the group I went with and didn't feel old at all when I was there.

one of the funny things about dance music is that certain types of it have become almost a heritage genre, so that when certain DJs play in london you can be sure the median age of the crowd is like 35

i.e. the famous chris rock line about guys in the club who are "a little too old to be in the club", and how you don't want to be that guy, has become overtaken by events

The sneering tones itt aint coming from us settlers dl

haha when I reviewed the Chemical Bros the other year it was all exactly like that, crowd was entirely middle-aged ex-ravers who'd got the babysitter in and gone out for a nostalgic night on the pills

I also cringe when I see people my age (32) acting like they can't wait to reach some sort of stereotypical middle agedness, especially people who don't have kids/mortgage/demanding career yet but still think that because they've reached a certain number it's time to start wearing sensible shoes and sneering at young people (not to mention older people who still like going out or dressing 'cool' on occasion)

SERIOUSLY, this 4 real.

I'm not sure if the attitude's as common in the city where there's a lot of selection on offer for people of all ages, but certainly out in the home counties I noticed an almost over-night change in many people my age where suddenly they felt they had to stop doing things they'd always done because it's for young people. I've nothing against staying in with a good book or a DVD or takeaway on a Friday night - lord knows I could certainly do with a few more quiet nights in, if only for the sake of my wallet and health. It also sucks when you see people my age/older still regularly getting sozzled down the pub on the weeknights, but no matter what age you are there should be a bit of give and take. It's great that people in their late 30s can pay a babysitter and go out on the berries once in a while. Some of my friends did exactly that when we went to Eastern Electrics the other week and there was absolutely no stigma involved. This weekend I won't be doing anything other than playing music and watching Swedish crime dramas.

also cringe when I see people my age (32) acting like they can't wait to reach some sort of stereotypical middle agedness, especially people who don't have kids/mortgage/demanding career yet but still think that because they've reached a certain number it's time to start wearing sensible shoes and sneering at young people (not to mention older people who still like going out or dressing 'cool' on occasion)

like idk you've investigated and discovered this motivation, or what

this is a huge %/demographic acting in this way, or what

i mean the projection here is significant and quite pass-agg

wonder why people live their lives

not sure i follow, darraghmac - i've not done a survey, it's just something i've noticed in a few of my immediate peer-group, but it is very pronounced in some people.

i honestly have no problem with people saying 'you know what? i really don't enjoy doing the whole going out/being trendy/what-have-you thing, so i'm not going to do it'. i have one friend who says this and he has no excuses other than he genuinely would prefer staying in with a good book than going out and socialising on a weekend, which i think is cool and somewhat brave because of course there are times when he has to argue for the right to do so, and it's not something everybody understands.

OTOH i also have friends, some of whom i've known for years, who somehow seem desperate to become the epitome of what they perceive to be middle-agedness, and this seems to be based on nothing but a number. not only this but it comes with a level of sanctimony that makes my skin crawl. it's not so much about whether they go out on friday nights or whether they dress a certain way, but rather the attitude that such behaviour is now beneath them, reserved solely for people in their 20s or that they have to leave behind 'childish frivolities' simply because they are a certain age.

Do you think that's because they didn't really like that stuff in the first place? I have friends who embraced parenthood as license to stop pretending they wanted to go out clubbing or keep up with music, as if they were only really going along with it because that's what students/20somethings do.

in fairness to lex and dog latin it totally ~is~ a thing. It is not a thing in this thread though and tbrr lex is what 33? so any "makes me feel young again" stuff is super O_o afaic

i am nowhere near fucking 33 -_-

27?

O no? lol sorry xp

I have friends who embraced parenthood as license to stop pretending they wanted to go out clubbing or keep up with music, as if they were only really going along with it because that's what students/20somethings do.

i honestly just feel disappointed with this attitude. luckily in my social circle it's not that common, but for someone to turn around and be all like "oh i always hated that stuff" is a bit like...so you were lying and faking all along? our friendship is based on a lie? and you can't help but notice the subtext of "i never liked all that 20something socialising" is "i never liked your company" so it's like ok fuck off then

I've experienced that, and I think it's largely a projection. Of like "parenthood is not stressing me out AT ALL". Or one of somebody who wants to drink less, like, that's a big one, if somebody's like "I've moved on" I usually assume they're just trying to stop drinking

i have one friend who says this and he has no excuses other than he genuinely would prefer staying in with a good book than going out and socialising on a weekend

and to reiterate i still don't get how this is either/or. a friday or saturday night when you commit to a quiet night in with a book and falling asleep at 10pm can be bliss, this was the case when i was at the peak of my going out as well.

I do deal on a weekly basis with "my kids have made my time more important than yours" sort of attitude from my new parent friends. "Sorry I couldn't text you back that important info you needed for several days, but My Kid was being a handful." Or "please don't call me after 9pm again. This phone doesn't ring after 9pm." But I find that stuff more amusing than annoying

This 'wish to be the epitome of middle-ageness' is definitely something I've met a thousand times. Actually, I've not bothered to stay in touch with some people over it. "Do you STILL go clubbing??" I kept getting asked, like it was something deeply depraved and desperate. Well, yeah, I do. Not every weekend, but I still like music that is played out in some clubs. In the end it was like I should just 'grow up' after 35. It's not like I criticise them for having children. And, no, I do not want to move to fucking Guildford (or equal suburb).

I wish to hell I could manage to both take care of my kids and go out to shows, but I don't feel like I'm "missing out" per se. I've seen all of the bands that I had wanted to see when I was a teenager and young adult. I'm still discovering both new and old bands that I'm bummed I can't see, but I'm happy to leave the experience to those who were there.

I never liked the "bars" aspect of being young, but I do miss gathering in weird places in the middle of the night - rooftops, parking lots, the middle of the woods, etc. I don't think there are a large number of people my age who I'd want to hang out with who hang out in parking lots these days, but some of my friends - even ones with kids - still manage to get together regularly for solstice/equinox celebrations in the woods at night. I'm envious of them, but I can't manage to get away right now. My wife and I both work together to take care of the kids at night. I'm needed.

Or "please don't call me after 9pm again. This phone doesn't ring after 9pm."

When people call me after 8 I make them feel real guilty about it.

AFTER 8 is fine; it's BEFORE 8 when kids are awake that's the problem

now that i'm a parent i have turned into the person who shows up at the pub at like 10pm rather than 5pm.. too much to do beforehand!

Man I feel like I belong with the partiers itt but I'm reluctant to commit if it means I have to keep being a dick because of the "attitude" of imaginary people

I'd go out more if I could afford it. But I've spent a lot of money on sofas and kingsize beds and bespoke shelving and mortgages over the last few years, so, y'know, priorities, innit. I've always been a homebody.

lol wins

I have friends who embraced parenthood as license to stop pretending they wanted to go out clubbing or keep up with music, as if they were only really going along with it because that's what students/20somethings do

I can think of at least three good explanations:
- they've changed their minds at some point
- it's taken a long time to realise they're not that into it
- they never did like clubbing, but they did really like hanging out with you, so they did it because it was a big net positive. They'd be pretty gutted to hear you think it was the opposite.

"Do you STILL go clubbing??" I kept getting asked, like it was something deeply depraved and desperate. Well, yeah, I do. Not every weekend, but I still like music that is played out in some clubs. In the end it was like I should just 'grow up' after 35.

i honestly just feel disappointed with this attitude. luckily in my social circle it's not that common, but for someone to turn around and be all like "oh i always hated that stuff" is a bit like...so you were lying and faking all along? our friendship is based on a lie? and you can't help but notice the subtext of "i never liked all that 20something socialising" is "i never liked your company" so it's like ok fuck off then

These ^ Listening to dance music, going to gigs and clubs and keeping up with trends are things I've always done. They're as much a part of my personality as reading books, eating nice food, mooching around the house in my tracky bottoms and sleeping - I'm not ready to give any of these things up just because it's somehow expected of my age group. And I'm certainly not going to start behaving more like my parents did in their 30s just because that's how they went about their business.

Having kids or a really demanding career or some sort of health issue is one thing. That said i know plenty of parents who, despite having had kids in their mid-late thirties, mental breakdowns and whatnot, have managed to avoid socks and sandals and still occasionally find the time to get dressed up and go out together. Like Lex says, the two aren't mutually exclusive. Your age and circumstances shouldn't dictate your character, tastes and activities too much.

To go back to the initial question, i do often feel like i'm missing out (or have missed out) on a lot of things in life. i spend a lot of time worrying that i never made the best of myself. i came to the realisation very recently that i'm actually quite good (or at least better than average) at a number of things that a lot of people struggle with. i know i'm good at these things but i never learnt to sell myself as anything other than some sort of enigmatic crackpot, filling people with doubt on paper and only proving my worth in practice. it's led to a lifetime of self-doubt and frustration and a career that has done nothing to stimulate any sort of nascent talent i might have.

But this is superficial and occasional angst, i suppose. on the whole i think i've managed to achieve a fair bit: a regular job which, even if i don't absolutely LOVE it, still pays relatively well; a fantastic partner who cares for me, shares common thoughts and goals and who i love as a soulmate; a roof over my head if not a mortgage; a great group of friends etc... On top of that i've managed to organise a successful series of gig and club nights in a difficult-to-please town; i'm regularly published as a music writer; I sing and play in two bands; I DJ and have rudimentary experience in creating art and design. In all, I can't complain about my life and achievements and while none of these activities pay the bills, i do get a lot of respect and self-worth out of them and i wouldn't trade these achievements for much else. What's important, and what i keep having to remind myself of, is that i have done these things and that there's always something new on the horizon - a chance to improve and to grow, to discover new experiences, new skills etc. That's another thing I feel I have to fight against sometimes (a sincere doubt in my mind), that once I get to a certain age there will be no point in learning any more, no reason to develop my knowledge beyond childcare and mortgages - and that scares me, irrationally so I grant you, but it scares me nonetheless.

that was a few xposts

ts scorn towards 'socks and sandals' vs scorn towards old ppl at dance clubs idk

#FOMO that's the motto

new moniker

xxpost damned if you do...

xp to Ismael - I don't judge them for it. If lots of your friends are doing something, naturally you'll have an incentive to do it when you're all young and relatively commitment-free. I bet every year at Glastonbury you'll find a ton of people who may well be enjoying themselves but wouldn't have gone if not for their friends and probably won't be going five years from now. Some people see going out (and I'm not limiting this to clubs and bars) as a phase rather than something that lasts into your 30s and beyond. I find that weird but I enjoyed their company back then and I still enjoy it, in quieter settings, now.

Re: some posts itt, I sometimes feel like there's more common cause between Hamas and Likud then there is between parents and non-parents.

just sayin.

most people settle down in their thirties. they don't, so far as is my experience, do so because they hated the lex in their twenties, or because they love socks and sandals, nor because of numerology. their priorities, desires, abilities, energies, circumstances change, is my experience of it.

persistently stating that these people hate young people and hate clubbers and hate fun and are sooooo old now and whhhhhyyyyy don't we all just do what we did in our early twenties itt, eh idk.

idk.

idk?

^young fogey got a point

i'm still trying to figure out what "sensible shoes" are in this context and why footwear seems so vital to this discussion.

Corns, man. corns. In our 40's we'll be talking back braces, ilx 2030 will be 90% scatalogia

mephisto wingtips

ts: ecco vs. mephisto

Clark's flexisole look smart enough for work but you can walk all day in em, my soles thank me every day

most people settle down in their thirties.

But that's the point - do they really? Why should they? I think the main complaint from people like me and Lex is the attitude of 'Oh, you're still into that huh? Isn't it about time you settled down?'

it's less of a thing if you're gay ime

They do

For many individual reasons, i suggested some myself but rly dk anything. everything. whatever.

The main complaint from you and lex is imaginary ppl doing to ye what ye are unimaginarily doing itt.

people like me and Lex

now there's a subset of humanity

gays keep the party going ad infinitum

Gus van Sant, BlaB, John Waters to thread

The main complaint from you and lex is imaginary ppl doing to ye what ye are unimaginarily doing itt.

Forgive me lex but I can't help but read your complaints itt as self-affirmation. Like, you want people to tell you that 30s partylife is OK because you have some niggling doubts. We have already told you it's OK, yesterday I poured you some sparkling wine iirc, resounding support for 30s partylife

I am seriously a going-out fanatic and no one has ever said to me, "Oh, you're still into that?" but I think there's a slightly difft attitude to this in the US vs UK perhaps--also my circles are self-selecting by being in a huge city where if people don't want to go out in it, they move somewhere with less night-life and more lawns. Also idk what "clubs" and "dance music" are, jk I sort of do, but that's only one possible thing whereas there could a ton of events on any given weekend--book releases, art openings, two ppl's birthday parties, this show, that show, a bbq at someone's home, a going-away thing, whatever. No one is going to say, "Oh, you're still into being there for your friends and having fun?" in a sneering way, which is basically what it is.

What people DO say though, is "oh I don't have time for ~that~ any more" in a needless way. And again, I don't read that as dismissiveness of a social 30s lifestyle, but as an affirmation of their own choices toward domesticity

people who need to put other people down in order to feel good about their choices are not good people to listen to

No, in either direction

I also cringe when I see people my age (32) acting like they can't wait to reach some sort of stereotypical middle agedness, especially people who don't have kids/mortgage/demanding career yet but still think that because they've reached a certain number it's time to start wearing sensible shoes and sneering at young people (not to mention older people who still like going out or dressing 'cool' on occasion)

I cringe when I see people MY age doing this, and I'm 40.

I wonder a lot, actually, about settling down vs. not settling down -- is one of them better? Is there some reason for life to "progress" and "evolve" in a certain way other than just that's how people do it? Are people who settle down and have families mostly happier than those who don't? It's sort of epistemologically impossible to answer, because once you have a family you can't really just un-have the family, so you either choose to build your expectations around the new life you have or you wallow in bitterness and resentment. Not (eventually) having a family might be "lonely" sometimes but having a family doesn't mean you never feel lonely either. And maybe the former is partly lonely because most of your friends eventually do settle down. There's supposedly a whole generation delaying starting families now and extending their more communal/network-oriented lifestyle much longer. Maybe if more people did that, more people would feel happy doing it.

That said, I totally use the "I'm a dad" excuse to wear cargo shorts and tevas in NYC and I'm loving it.

guys i think what we are all forgetting here is that the most important thing is to judge other people and find them faintly pitiful if their choices don't align with what you've ended up doing.

sneering at young people is awesome tho, don't forget

laughing at them behind their backs is ok, observing them anthropologically is ok, sneering is for weaklings

young people should be able to wear cargo shorts and tevas too, it's a lifestyle choice, not an age-based lifestyle choice

you just chose a lifestyle switch

Yeah, you can wear cargo shorts at any age and a relatively slim section of society will judge you about them.

relatively slim indeed

I don't know, I'm not that slim and I will definitely judge you for them.

I miss my awesome Tevas ;_; RIP 1993

I have the ugliest Tevas -- they have that horrible snaky/barbed-wireish pattern on them -- I figure if you're gonna have Tevas you might as well go all the way.

http://kjpugs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Teva_Hurricane_3-620x362.jpg

Sup brah, see you at the everclear show later?

I wore cargo shorts a lot in my 20s and 30s on the grounds that they were more comfortable in hot months. But now that I've discovered linen-blend pants -- which are even more comfortable in hot months and look a lot better too -- I spend plenty of time being quietly appalled at how terrible most guys look in cargo shorts.

i'm in my late 20's and i have gotten married and had a baby before many of my peers. i do not have a FOMO i have a FOGO (fear of going out) that is terminal and my domesticity is v well-suited to that.

but i need cargo shorts, too hot for jeans in texas like half the year.

they make shorts without cargo pockets

The thing is, most people don't really look that bad in cargo shorts. Maybe if you're into finnish fashion blogs or something, but it's just something that most normal people wear and find useful. Like, look at everyone around you. They are all wearing cargo shorts and no one gives a fuck.

i have lots of cargo, i need cargo shorts.

i like clothes but i am not judgmental in the least about what other people wear, also i'm not very observant, sometimes as an exercise i'll try to remember what someone i just spent the whole day with was wearing and i often can't remember.

u wear black

i'm judging each and every 1 of u cargo shorts wearers.

i hate clothes and clothing and wearing clothes but it and they are the best of all possible alternatives, personally speaking

ts wearing clothes or going out

I wear shorts pretty much 100% of the time when I'm not at work from like April through to October. But never ever ever cargo shorts. Fuck no. Disgusting.

It's hard to find shorts around here that aren't cargo shorts.

what are cargo shorts? are they shorts with pockets on the side? if so i have those.

Yes, they are. Horrible.

I haven't worn cargo shorts in a good while but why are people so fucking offended by them? idgi

like why do you care so much about how all the beautiful multifaceted human beings around you are covering their legs

I'm currently wearing some Gap shorts. No pockets on the side. My favourite shorts are Carhartt carpenter shorts, which have a small pocket (no press-studs, gah, awful things) and a loop, for hanging a hammer from.

what other kinds of shorts are there these days? other than business shorts, which are weird.

sorry, xpost

It's just the awful shapeless beigeness of cargo shorts.

I hate wearing shorts period. My bf thinks thinks this is a bit psychotic.

I also have some semi-tailored fitting corduroy shorts, in light grey. They're good.

idgi neither. Shorts aren't a great look period, adding or subtracting pockets doesn't change that.

i just googled 'cargo shorts' and 'carpenter shorts' and they look exactly the same from where i'm sitting.

Shorts are a magnificent look if you've got good legs.

It's just the awful shapeless beigeness of cargo shorts.

― they all are afflicted with a sickness of existence (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, August 15, 2013 11:07 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

fwiw mine are more greenish and have kind of a slim line and thin material. I think they're a good compromise.

I'm in no position to make a judgement call on my own legs. I just feel uncomfy in shorts. Or in anything other than jeans and a tshirt, really.

i can't muster any indignation about shorts festooned with saggy and probsbly unnecessary but easily ignored pockets.

i like shorts when it's hot. mine are not beige, more a black and white tartan pattern.

i have a pair of suit shorts that cam with my last suit, climate change pointer imo

shorts are great my legs are rad
brb going to the body image thread

Not lying, I cycle a lot and play football, I've got great legs.

Thread has gone in hilarious new direction!^^

I don't care if people wear shorts as long as they understand enough to be ashamed of themselves.

we need a wdylll thread obv mine are 300-level but hairy

i like it when men wear shorts if it means i can see their knees

this lady has some great ideas

really love how these threads always turn into discussions about cargo shorts

Cargo shorts are foulness personified. I don't really care if other people wear them but I find it problematic that it has become sometimes difficult to find shorts that aren't cargo in certain stores. It's like the great, horrible pleated-pant catastrophe of 10-15 years ago.

it's pretty easy to find long shorts that aren't cargo shorts?

http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/kevin-smith.jpg

i like it when men wear shorts if it means i can see their knees

― no fomo (La Lechera), Thursday, August 15, 2013 11:20 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

is this fondness for knees a common thing? When I was first dating my wife she told me I have "cute knees" which I thought was hilarious at the time.

some people like knees
it's a "thing" in that some people like knees but not like a #TREND afaik

My mom has sometimes let it be known that she likes looking at men in shorts, which is not something I needed to know, but whatever.

As a person with "cute" knees I'm always glad that some people like that kind of thing.

good thing i have chosen not to have children, lest they find my occasional knee-ogling distasteful

:( :( :(

this comes and goes for me but right it feels a little intense

It's now so cold that I've not been wearing shorts in the evening.

But general thread update, now 36 with 1 kid, and experiencing slightly more FOMO than I was 2 years ago, but only very slightly, and also a kidn of weird reverse nostalgia FOMO wherein I think "why didn't I do this when I was younger so I could have done more of it?"

"why didn't I do this when I was younger so I could have done more of it?"

yesssssss

where do you cargo-shorts haters keep your sunglasses is what i don't get

OVER MY FUCKEN EYES

Me, too, when I'm wearing them, but where do you keep your sunglasses when you go inside, and put on your regular glasses, which, if you're me, you've been keeping in the pocket of your cargo shorts while you were outside wearing sunglasses?

in a shirt pocket (if you have the right kind) >>> on the neck opening of your shirt >>>>> on your head >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> in cargo shorts

why even bother wearing sunglasses at that point you ain't cool!

I wear contacts in public because I'm vain.

flip-ups yo

My wife carries my regular glasses in a case in her bag, generally. Or I carry them in my bag. Because fuck cargo shorts.

my dad has those photosensitive glasses which tint in response to sunlight #dadstyletips

(he still wears cargo shorts tho)

Perfectly happy to pick up a pitchfork against cargo shorts, don't get me wrong, but just checking, it's the specific combination of pockets + shorts that's wrong, right? So say cargo trousers, that would be okay? Even if you rarely wear any other kind of trousers?

Asking for a friend.

if anything, cargo trousers are worse

in your 50s you know youve missed out and dont give a fuck

as I get older this is less prevalent in the going out sense than an gnawing existential dread that my life is speeding by and being totally wasted.

i've had that feeling since at least my mid 20s.

xp same here

gnawing existential dread that my life is speeding by and being totally wasted

Yep

I tried non-cargo cotton shorts for a while, in an attempt to conform to ilx standards, but they made me feel like angus young. Now I just wear basketball shorts.

they made me feel like angus young

trying and failing to imagine a world where this is somehow an undesirable outcome

they made me feel like angus young

They made me feel like there's songs to be sung

By 'cargo pants' I assume you mean 'combat trousers', ie fucking horrible foul beige things like the Manic Street Preachers wore circa This Is My Truth, with horrible bulky pockets on the side of the thigh?

Yeah, those are WORSE.

Even if you're 22 years old and going out all weekend every weekend, you're still missing out on more than you're experiencing. You could have gone to that different pub, that different club, met that person you will now never meet, heard that amazing tune you'll now never hear. Feels like the anxiety in this thread is less about missing out on individual experiences and more about life paths being closed off. It's an impulse that keeps you looking for new things but it's not entirely constructive either.

It's not really about whether or not you still go out partying in your 30s. Still, there are certain things you can do in your early 20s that for health reasons are really not advisable as you get older, and that feeling can sting a bit from time to time. As it stands I usually find that one big blowout every six months or so scratches that particular itch for me, but it's not as if I'm not out doing *something* most weekends, even if it's just going to a restaurant or a pub or whatever. If anything, London feels like it's more geared towards 30-something social lives than it ever has been, precisely because people are having kids later in life.

Staying at home every weekend evening probably isn't healthy for your mental wellbeing, but it's not as if your social life can't take other forms.

This is the problem with growing older. You make more choices, your paths narrow, and you have to try not be haunted by the things you didn't do.

this has hit me badly this year. I lost a lot of time in my early-mid 20s before I got more centered and I feel like I'm trying to make up for it now that I'm 34.

I've actually logged ~6,300 miles in road trip driving this year for concerts alone (~1,600 by air). don't get out to as many parties and can't drink anywhere close to what I used to (nor do I want to - I've cut way back after my near-DUI).

where years ago I felt content to sit indoors on a weeknight, I often feel the itch to leave the house and just do shit, all the time. With or without other people. the latter is much easier to do for me now than it was then - I don't feel that it's lame to be able to entertain oneself. but I do like the company of my friends too, had to force myself to spend time with them all last weekend to make up for all the nomadic adventuring I was doing alone.

Even if you're 22 years old and going out all weekend every weekend, you're still missing out on more than you're experiencing. You could have gone to that different pub, that different club, met that person you will now never meet, heard that amazing tune you'll now never hear.

I always feel like this after every festival or big night out - 'wish i could go back and do the whole weekend again but totally differently'.

in your 50s you know youve missed out and dont give a fuck

― skateboards are the new combover (Dr Morbius), Thursday, July 30, 2015 6:16 AM (2 hours ago)

Speak for yourself, Mr. Pitiful. I've missed out but still give a fuck.

this is only vaguely related, but this thread reminds me of a conversation two of my friends were having recently about a shared mutual desire to just go off into the wilderness and live alone for an extended period of time. one of them said they couldn't understand the mindset of not wanting to do this, as it had been an itch he'd wanted to scratch for a long time (at this point i'd point out that i don't see either of them lasting more than 48 hours in the wilderness - one refuses to go camping with us because it's uncomfortable and he won't sleep. the other has trouble buttering toast)...
but yeah, i said i had little or no desire to rough it alone and the idea of it would probably drive me a bit mad. part of the reason (other than my outdoorsmanship is sorely lacking), is that not only do i sort-of crave society and other people (i like alone time of course, but it's nice to know there are people nearby i can see if needed), but i also feel that it would be a waste of time. literally, i think i'd feel as though i wasn't making the most of my life on earth because it wouldn't be working towards anything particularly creative or productive, which is when i feel most at-ease.
i've come to realise that unless i am being productive in some way i get extremely anxious. i don't often feel like i can just switch off and watch trash tv all evening - if i watch something, i would have to feel it's rewarding me or challenging me in some way. i can't really go on a night out without thinking of it as some sort of networking opportunity. if i go on holiday, i would much rather turn it into a cultural visit or set myself some sort of mission, unless i use the time to read books. i love sleep, but increasingly on weekends, i feel myself getting up earlier than my partner because i want to make the most of my freetime. the only times i switch off and phase out are when i get absorbed on internet - facebook, ilxor etc, but even so this is generally when i am on public transport or in work downtime, and even so a big part of this is about networking, learning, self-enrichment through communication in a way.
i generally feel as though i have to be learning or making or doing something or fulfilling myself in some way or else i see it as a pointless waste of time. i don't know if that's a common thing or not. it probably is, and what constitutes 'worthwhile things' varies for most people, but it's only after having this conversation that i've really thought about it.

I was never like that til I had a kid. Now those 'spare' 20 mins are precious.
I mean I still arse around on the internet for stupid amounts of time, but now I feel bad about it.

I quit playing live music a few years ago, not entirely intending on it, but things had reached a point where my bandmates were all getting married and having kids, or moving away, etc. Now I have no idea what to do w my social life, it was always tied to all those years spent going to parties and clubs and shows.

The funny thing is the last handful of shows we played, there was always a stink from one of the groups about when we were playing. This is because there was always something better going on, something that the performing bands thought was a more worthwhile thing to go to than their show. Nobody wanted to headline because if they went on 2nd they could leave and make it to the better show across town.

This happened multiple time ffs.

oh yeah i know that. 'if i don't get to bed by 11, i can't function...' etc. you're supposed to be in a rock band ffs.

Heh well yeah it's cool if you have to cook the morning shift, I'm talking they want to go to a competing show/party that same night.

i'm out like every night, it's overrated fwiw

I find that my standards for going out have gotten unrealistic at times. like everything has to be an 'event'.

not that I don't like just having a quiet conversation with people (I prefer that to really large crowds) but I tend to prefer more exciting venues now. I guess I really must have hated how boring my 20s were.

the other thing is I make enough money now to where I can do things that years ago I couldn't

interesting point about retreating to the wilderness dog latin. totally agree, i could not do that and i don't have any desire too. maybe for a weekend here or there. i think i've realized more and more as i get older is that social connection, friendships, & intimacy are what i value in life, that's what feeds me, things like nature and creativity do too but only insofar as they enhance connection to other people. solitude is important yea and i'm somewhat introverted but solitude for me is only valuable as a balance to connection w/ other people

things like drugs and sex are obvious things that i wish i did more of in my twenties before marriage/kids -- not just because of the pleasure they induce but most really most importantly because of the social and connective experiences associated with them

i realize that not all drugs/sex experiences are connective and intimate but for me that is really what i like most about both of them. i will still smoke some weed here and there by myself as a way to "reconnect with my own energies" (quoting will oldham here, i really love that language re: smoking weed) but getting high w/ my friends or my family is way fucking better because we having a shared experience

solitude for me is only valuable as a balance to connection w/ other people

this, totally. it's always a tough balance for me. the other issue of late is that my dad is temporarily living on my couch (he and my mom moving back to my state next month, getting their own place), and the lack of privacy due to his incessant prying tends to make me want to leave the house to get the 'me' time I used to get at home.

re: the connection with other people, even when I go on solo activities, I tend to try and meet new people more than I ever used to. ie concerts, which if I went to alone was this "sit aloof in the corner until band takes stage" type thing, usually just try and strike up a convo with strangers. have met several new friends that way.

xp to marcos re: wilderness - i could maybe handle it for a day or two, tops, then i'd start to get anxious and lonesome.
since i started going to the gym more regularly, i've been savouring it as meditative alone time which i can have for a few hours a week. i get to reflect on ideas i've been having or things going on in my life. of course there are still people around me, but i don't technically speak to them unless i have to. it's just me and my headphones and that's really quite therapeutic, but still i'm y'know, exercising, so it's productive at the same time. there's a goal in sight. whereas just disappearing for 6 months on my own feels counter-productive.
i guess i understand the appeal of being at one with nature, learning survival skills and maybe discovering what it's like to be self-sufficient for an extended period of time, but i've never felt the need to disappear completely or actively shun social interaction. i don't see how that would necessarily be fulfilling or a good use of my time on earth.

I've always liked doing nothing. I think I'm quite good at being bored. I think that's why I like cycling so much; you don't do anything but pedal and look around and think about... nothing, usually... for hours at a time (if you're lucky).

I guess my job is all about productivity, about ideas and websites and brochures and strategies, so I no longer have the impetus to do that productive stuff (write, blog, photograph, whatever) in my spare time like I did in my 20s, when my job was pretty dull. So in my downtime now I cook, I hang out with my wife and baby, and I play sport.

(Also I don't know ow people afford to go out all that much; I guess now I earn a decent salary it all goes on mortgage and living costs and baby etc).

I do totally feel a slight wanderlust about living out in the wilderness, though - again, that's part of cycling, going out and getting deep into countryside, especially Dartmoor, way away from civilisation. That doesn't feel like wasted time to me; time spent not doing that feels wasted. But then I follow a load of cyclists on Instagram who seem to regularly cycle out into the emptiness outside Austin or LA for days on end, bikepacking in small groups (not alone though, mostly, I note); so yeah, that's about enhancing connections to other people.

I feel less and less desire to be a significant human being as I get older, I think. This was happening anyway, but having a baby has accelerated it I think.

I definitely feel that way -- being so deeply significant to a couple of people really diminishes my vague need to be "significant" in general.

I feel less and less desire to be a significant human being as I get older, I think. This was happening anyway, but having a baby has accelerated it I think.

yeah, me too. i'm happily married, i have a good job, i have hobbies i enjoy and that's what feels important to me at the moment. the prospect of not leaving much of a splash at the end of my life doesn't seem like something to fear as long as i'm happy in life - even the most celebrated of us will be forgotten eventually and anyway it's not like there's any personal benefits to making a mark which you can enjoy after you're dead

And I feel really happy, actually, to be past that anxiety of wanting to feel like you're part of everything, in the know, "not missing out", "having experiences," etc. One thing that's never on the list of "1000 things to do before you die" is find some peace about all the stuff you'll inevitably miss out on.

Being happy is really the only thing that matters. I've heard enough complaining millionaires and billionaires to know that money and material success doesn't add up to a whole lot in reality.

Yeah, exactly; Em and I were talking the other day about what Nora might want to be when she grows up, and, both working in higher education, we've gone "oh a scientist / doctor / academic / engineer" whatever, but honestly, when she gets to the age of expressing what she wants to be when she grows up, I hope she just says 'happy', cos that's basically what I decided a few years ago.

Sometimes when I think thoughts like "I've seen a lot less of the world than my friends" I counter it with "and more than almost any middle-class person 100 years ago, other than maybe career military or sailors"

Be happy at doing reasonably well; do not be upset at not doing amazingly.

I've also recently found what I think is a great job for me, and that helps a lot, being the thing that occupies more of my waking hours than any other single aspect of my life.

it's going to be very strange starting my new job because it'll be so much more creative than anything else i've ever done. compared to my current job, which is pretty samey and unimaginative, i'll be having to think on the spot all day. so i wonder if that might change my outlook? i've spent so many years feeling bored and frustrated at work and then dashing home so i can get on with making music or writing or what have you. hoping this new role will satisfy the creative itch, but i'm also hoping it doesn't dull me outside of work, which is increasingly possible as i draw towards my mid-30s.

Feels like the anxiety in this thread is less about missing out on individual experiences and more about life paths being closed off. I

xp to this quote from matt dc, yea, it is very much about this tbh. i was a different person in twenties, i had a lot more fears about embracing or acknowledging many aspects of myself that i am not starting to feel more comfortable with, and i think those fears i had in my twenties hindered me in a lot of ways. there were a lot of life paths and relationships and experiences that i closed off, for better or worse i guess.

i think certain mythical societal narratives, too, about what we are supposed to achieve, attain, or accomplish before your 30s set in, did a lot to fuck with me in my twenties, too -- "i need to have marriage/career/kids lined up by early 30s, and if i do that i am ahead of the game, if not i am fucked" -- very much bullshit. i am grateful for having some of these things established and but yea those narratives are bullshit and i definitely didn't need to be try to live up to them as early as i did

woops "i had a lot more fears about embracing or acknowledging many aspects of myself that i am not now starting to feel more comfortable with"

it's going to be very strange starting my new job because it'll be so much more creative than anything else i've ever done. compared to my current job, which is pretty samey and unimaginative, i'll be having to think on the spot all day. so i wonder if that might change my outlook? i've spent so many years feeling bored and frustrated at work and then dashing home so i can get on with making music or writing or what have you. hoping this new role will satisfy the creative itch, but i'm also hoping it doesn't dull me outside of work, which is increasingly possible as i draw towards my mid-30s.

― (no offence to people) (dog latin), Thursday, July 30, 2015 10:33 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I found a job in my same field, which is still somewhat dry, but the approach to work is totally different -- we're given tons of freedom to set our schedules, a lot of autonomy on projects, etc. I'm coming from a neurotically and unhealthily micro-managed place. There's definitely relatively more room for creativity just because of the attitude of management.

travel is one thing i regret not having done so much of, but then not really? i know that in my late-twenties i suddenly got a sense of anxiety because a lot of my friends had been and come back from taking gap-years or going travelling in far off places and coming back with photos and stories etc, whereas i'd never had the chance.
but i came to realise there was a reason for that - and the reason is similar to the 'disappearing' thing: i've never strongly felt the need to backpack around australia or go snorkeling in thailand because these things seem like indulgences; fun diversions that get little done beyond 'i have done this, i have had this experience'. were i to go travelling for any extended period of time, i'd want to have some sort of mission, like going out to investigate something specific or to write a blog about, say, an obscure pop music scene in a far-flung country or something like that. i'm not denying that the former experiences weren't enriching for my friends who went, but their stories and photos were rarely enough to galvanise me into wanting to go myself.

younger people generally seem p silly to me so I don't feel like I'm "missing out" on their shenanigans. I do envy their ability to sleep whenever they want for however long they want though.

we are all silly dude

yes but I assume my silliness is only evident to those older than me

haha

Feel like some of the titular fear is due to commercial brainwashing. Like if you add up all of the Cheerios commercials you have ever seen in your life and take that into account, there is a part of your subconscious that is deeply sad every time you are at a grocery store and pass up the experience of buying a box of Cheerios.

Add up every beer commercial you have ever seen, with young people partying, some hot chicks, tons of booze, etc. maybe the same thing? People are partying right now and I'm missing out!

just like women are conditioned to pay excruciating amts of attention to the correction of their flaws
it's bs
if you fall for that, it's on you

the issue for me is not having enough time to absorb every event and every bit of information and film and game and television show and album and magazine and comic and work of art ever created ever

working on it

literally anything you do or don't do there's the potential for regretting doing it or not doing it or not doing something else in lieu of what you did. just need to realize this is reality and that you can't know what would be best, so just enjoy whatever you've chosen as much as possible.

Add up every beer commercial you have ever seen, with young people partying, some hot chicks, tons of booze, etc. maybe the same thing? People are partying right now and I'm missing out!

― AdamVania (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, July 30, 2015 12:03 PM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol gross dude i have never once seen a beer commercial and wished i had life experiences that matched up w/ it

too bad it's awesome

All those people going 'wazzzuuuupppp' at each other. You missed out big time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjnpOuorMnU

i got shorts

in every color

I got cargo shorts

in every color

lol