Beyonce has let down the gay divorce movement: a queer WINTER 2014 thread

See what happens when you let the solstice pass?

it goes up your ass

then is eaten by Mama Cass

It's "Beyoncé" with an é

gay divorcée

it's Kelendria with a K

hey everyone

I love this title.

There was a period of my life where if I saw this movie I would flip the fuck out and it would instantly become the most meaningful and most favorite film but now it just makes me feel a kind of strange mild nervousness or discomfort

That pretty much describes my reaction to Weekend, too.

I really like the it but it agitated me in a weird way that I can't quite figure out -- or maybe I haven't had the stomach to try to figure out until now. I watched it in a couple sittings b/c it made me anxious even while I thought it was really good. Maybe it's scary b/c the kind of intimacy and untidy emotions that it puts on display are so mundane that they feel too close to home.

Basically, Weekend: awesome;dnw

"awesome; dnw" is so otm and so is "the kind of intimacy and untidy emotions that it puts on display are so mundane that they feel too close to home."

also HI JESSE I LOVE YOU LET'S GET GAY MARRIED!!

Dunno if there are any Canadians posting in here, but George Smitherman's husband was found dead. Absolutely heartbreaking.

Yeah, saw that. A sad, and I must say, bizarre (he had previously "went missing in September and was found by a police dog two days later in a wooded area near train tracks." huh?) story.

I'll admit I don't pay the most attention to the conversations in gay culture sometimes but I hope that this story sparks a wider dialogue about depression in our community if there already isn't one but I doubt it cause the story is barely gaining any traction here in Canada from what I'm seeing and hell, it's a Canadian story barely involving Rob Ford so it won't get any press outside of this country.

Wholeheartedly agreed, but, you know, it's a Canadian story that isn't about Rob Ford and a gay story that isn't about marriage equality (not really, anyway; they were already legally married, so who cares now, right?) or a hot young celebrity's coming out, so don't count on it.

My co-worker buddy suggested we go to a sex party together after work on Wednesday

But idk abt that for a couple reasons

Among them his insistence on referring to it as "humpday."

That'd kill my boner.

Okay so the more I'm thinking abt the movie "Weekend" and separating my own feelings from it the more I realize holy shit this is a really fucking good film

Really should watch that one of these days...

It made me a believer for a brief while.

I saw a gay porn short that reminded me a lot of Weekend. What the hell was the name of it? The dialog and the cinematography were similarly intimate in the way Weekend's were. Really fucking good.

"i want your love" iirc

Here we go http://www.iwantyourlovethemovie.com/. I guess it's not a short and I just saw a trailer. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1995329/

xp yep!

I guess it's not a short and I just saw a trailer I can't read and it is BOTH a short and a feature-length.

Last night I took a friend to another friend's book signing. The first friend is cute and the old acquaintances I hadn't seen in months or years assumed he was my boyfriend. I wanted to join everyone for dinner afterwards but because my companion didn't know this crew at all I acceded to his request to get a drink at another bar. We had a good time and drank a few beers. When I drove back to my place I moved to kiss him and he expertly blocked me with his left cheek. I threw him out of the car and called the cops.

Kind of want to see the whole of I Want Your Love. Worried I already saw the best bits tho.

The trailer looks pretty, minus that awful, croaky-voiced indie folk song that plays over some of it.

Also, I think Alfred's story would make a great short film.

scored by Nile Rodgers.

Scored to whatever the opposite of "Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" is.

good story Alfred

i don't know if i can watch Weekend, or gay porn shorts. the celluloid observation of homosexual intimacy has always been a turn-off for me.

i'm sure i have a lot of my own very strange reasons for that but that's the way it is for now.

i never remotely understand Alfred's adventures

Weekend is entirely respectable, well acted, and dull.

Which means it has only one thing in common with sex.

i just took some drugs to help me sleep

i am feeling comfy like i want to have a sleepover with scary stories. i used to do that with my friend Lynn and sometimes we'd play dress up and i would dress up like a girl. one time her mom's boyfriend was over, and i was in my girl outfit, and i sat in his lap and flirted with him as a joke - her mom told me it would be funny. but you should have seen the look of horror on his face. it was sad. and then i heard her say something like "there's still some hope for Ramzi" later on

i should have known then and there that her mom would eventually Facebook friend me and reveal all sorts of Republican party beliefs online

There is a gay in my life who I need removed, how do you do that? Is there an extraction service? Can somebody please offer him a job overseas

I have, like, one too many gay friends in town.

i haven't managed the art of breaking up with friends (some ppl just sit down and do it)

Breaking up with friends is as slow a process as breaking up with lovers is fast.

Coming home for the holidays is a splendid time to break up with friends.

i'm still on my quest to make more guy friends

i met a bassist the other night and we might hang out

I think I must have a record number of partnered gay friends.

i might have a record # of partnered straight friends

or wait is that true for everyone

...

To be straight is to be partnered, I'm convinced.

i had a really tough new year's day. maybe it's like the wedding and the marriage folklore? - a sign of good luck?

in what world do you guys know all these partnered ppl who have time for anyone else?

It's babied people that have no time for anyone else, not partnered people.

and gays acting like babies

aka my new years day?

had fun at a new years eve party tho!

I have, like, 3 gay friends in town (or anywhere), 2 of whom I haven't seen in a year and 1 of whom (whom I saw only when we went to concerts 2 or 3 times a year) is moving to Texas in a couple weeks.

And as of December 2013 I have been single for 12 years. What the f is that about?

you've been busy! congratulations on graduating btw!

Indeed! Congrats, Jesse.

(I've got two gay friends, not counting a pair of partnered lesbians)

I've got two gay friends, both of them I don't consider living in town anymore. So… no gay friends, no gay friends no no no.

I would be any of your gay friend if only I were in town.

All my gay friends in town are the lbtq varieties. My streak of never getting along with gay dudes continues apace.

My streak of never getting it on with gay dudes continues apace.

Thanks :D Graduating was a very good thing. (But where the hell is my diploma? Send me my diploma!)

:) :)

yes besides my one homie, i'm still trying to cultivate my (1) or (2) gay dude friends that i've been trying to cultivate for like months now, i feel like i'm doing my dayjob - but in my personal life

Far too many gays around here, to be honest. Send me your addresses I'll ship you each a case

No thanks.

are they bubbly or flat

I just want to get off my chest how little shits I give about that Chris Warcraft guy. If you're a straight "ally", the best you can do for us is to shut the fuck up and give your podium to an actual LGBTQ person who's being oppressed

As we've seen this week, give them the podium and they'll insist how much they love women.

I just want to get off my chest how little shits I give about that Chris Warcraft guy. If you're a straight "ally", the best you can do for us is to shut the fuck up and give your podium to an actual LGBTQ person who's being oppressed

― Murgatroid, Friday, January 3, 2014 2:44 PM (18 minutes ago) Bookmark

yes well unfortunately there doesn't seem to be too many gay nfl players willing to take the podium

I guess this is where I tip my hand and note that whereas for most people, it's probably a sports/NFL-specific issue, for me, it's more of an overall straight person in a space where someone else could be doing the talking issue. I know it's not a very nuanced way of looking at it, but hell, I'm just seeing shades of "Same Love" all over again. At least Kluwe isn't blaming YouTube comments or whatever.

i dunno when jason collins came out he got the cover of a magazine and all types of tv interviews and stuff

people, i think, are craving for there to be an active out sports player who can talk openly about his experiences. (there are open wnba players but the visibility there is so much less.) but in the meantime i think it's a net positive for someone like kluwe to speak as strongly as he did.

also like i really bristle against "same love" but the problem isn't exactly that mackelmore is a straight dude. it's that the song is so ham-handed & reductive. of course it's hard to separate "straight dude" and "ham-handed attempt to be a spokesperson for gay people" but at least kluwe has good reason & evidence to believe that he was fired because he spoke up for gay rights... he's speaking from a much more real place than "when i was 6 i thought i was gay cuz i liked to draw, lemme rap at you about oppression"

Not to turn queer winter 2014 into a Macklemore debate circa '13, but for me, the problem with "Same Love" is precisely because he's straight. His privilege enables him to otherize rap music not made by Macklemore/black people as The Problem, it enabled him to not give proper credit to Mary Lambert when he got up onstage to accept the award for it at that award show (which one, I forgot, but I'm not making this up), and so forth.

sure. i mean, intrinsically the "problem" is that macklemore is straight. but straight people can write/do/say important things about gay rights issues... it's not out of the realm of possibility. and if kluwe is to be believed he's being used as a stand in for the nfl's homophobia since there is no out (to the world at least) player yet.

I don't care if he's straight. Like sarge said, he's such a mediocre writer that he can't help but conceive of homosexuality in terms of pity and solidarity, thus showing he's straight after all.

in other words biography has little to do with what makes "Same Love" a regrettable thing.

my objections to macklemore as a terrible artist are far greater than my objections to him as a ham-fisted ally

i know little about the nfl or this chris kluwe guy but nothing about it's rubbed me the wrong way, i feel like pro sports is one of the most interesting battlegrounds w/r/t lgbt issues right now

What's the name of the American soccer guy who came out? He's cute.

robbie rogers

i think he's active again? i'm not sure

I just GIS'd him and he's def a QT

he's such a mediocre writer

Thought you were talking about Kluwe for a second there.

ok I don't understand the last 15 posts.

The problem with "Same Love" isn't that Macklemore is straight, it's that he otherizes gay and black people, misrepresents lgbtq issues, and takes credit from queer artists. I have no beef with Kluwe.

I guess the best thing that can come out of Kluwe's ongoing saga, along with Jason Collins and other prominent athletes coming out, is that it'll encourage more active athletes to come out so as time goes by, straight people won't have to speak on the behalf of queer athletes (but who am I kidding, straight people will always try to do this).

As we've seen this week, give them the podium and they'll insist how much they love women.

Are you implying that you think Aaron Rodgers really is gay?

i don't really have problems with str8 people being allies as long as they're not dumb about it. it didn't seem like he was trying to speak on behalf of anyone. the idea of a queer person speaking "on behalf of" the wider lgbtq community is a bit silly in itself really.

hey gays it's me, the ilxor formerly known as elm0 hi hello

just dropping in because i miss you all, unless we've been in contact on twitter or FB in which case i don't really miss you as much

good morning!

helmo!

xxxp agreed that being spoken on behalf of is silly to begin with so with a member of the LGBTQ community doing any speaking, that person has a greater chance of not lumping the community into a monolithic whole that could be spoken about

But I'm doing what right now kinda

love the new name elm0

the fuck is all the fuss about

can't we all be friends ... or something, where the f is the w33d delivery guy

omg surm you are such a character on High Maintenance aren't you

i am the most high maintenance person you will ever meet

brb doorbell

runaway doorbell. anyway i want it all now is the moral of my story

surm i meant this

http://vimeo.com/channels/highmaintenance/videos

AHAHAHAHA i'm watching "stevie"

reminds me of my weed guy!

that was a good short!

he came, he had seen high maintenance, i didn't know all the eps were about delivery, he thinks it's well written, the end!

I watched all of them in a day; they go from clever and comedic to really touching. It's very well written.

that's what he said - "well written"

what happened to plax (ico)?

ok now my co-worker wants to take me to the bathhouse on friday

after work

like it's applebees happy hour or some shit

I've only been to the bathhouse here once. Never again, guys.

Applebees is scarier.

The only thing I remember about my bathhouse session was how I was paying more attention to how many times the radio station could play Rihanna in the time we were there than the sex.

i've been to a bathhouse here, but only because they offer free hiv tests on tuesdays in their off-hours.

I met a nice Jewish boy yesterday. We had a great conversation about Black-Jewish relations, then he serenaded me with opera, then he blew me. The end!

The feel-good love story of the year!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wt88GMJmVk0

skimming thru the George Cukor bio, I see that veteran character sissy Grady Sutton was part of his inner circle!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lQVMa8iiwlw/UiXe0gNhMdI/AAAAAAAAIT4/qbMEK9V6Ypo/s1600/Grady%2BSutton%2Bin%2BFour%2BJacks%2Band%2Ba%2BJill%2B(1942).jpg

well i never caught up with last year's list, but who will second any of these?

http://bandofthebes.typepad.com/bandofthebes/2013/12/the-best-lgbt-books-of-2013.html

i think red doc> is the only new book on that list i've read. james purdy and denton welch are big faves tho. really looking forward to getting around to the als and koestenbaum books.

i read mostly women and some queers in 2013. i loved this book a lot: http://www.lesfigues.com/book/2500-random-things-about-me-too/

that looks good

Guys tomorrow morning I'm "urban exploring" an abandoned school with 15 other queers!

What the fuck will that entail? Wandering around with your cameras and taking ruin porn while sneaking off with someone else and making out in a classroom?

I have no idea!! It's a lolMeetup group called GLUE (G4y and L3sb1an Urb4n Expl0r3rs hahaha) and I've never been so we'll see! Also high of 33 so no making out.

too much time on ilx? wl tho

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7417/12132156533_4a3e1d7930_z.jpg

Rev that was a really good story

I've got a world class harbor view, yes

we all have an open plan for you

whole floors!

can't believe I hooked up with a fella wearing a Green Lantern tee.

You WHAT?

Yeah.

http://www.sheldonshirts.com/wp-content/uploads/greenlantern2.jpg

Alfred, want to marry me tonight at the Grammys?

ha I just responded to a friend's post about it

still waiting on one knee for an answer

I need you on both knees.

not if we're going to make it in time for the Grammys

sooooo my bf asked me to move in with him. less a romantic gesture and more that various things have worked out so that this is a very logical step to take in the fucked-up-beyond-belief london rental market, but i guess convenience is how these things often get started, even if in a vacuum it's way before either of us would have mooted the idea. we're still "thinking about it". gays who have lived with their partners, what SHOULD i be thinking about? what are the pitfalls or otherwise of moving in with a bf? i have never done this before.

(it won't be just us, he has a housemate, who would be fine with living with us)

(i have zero desire to move out of my current house/area - my house is nicer than his flat, i don't know as many people in his part of london as i do in mine. but we're going to be chucked out at some point if our landlady gets her shit together, we just don't know when, and when that happens a) i can't afford this area any more b) the same is increasingly true for my social circle, which is scattering across london now...)

lex!

yay lex!

the only hard-and-fast rule for gay cohabiting couples afaic is "don't masturbate"

haha guys it's really not a romantic thing

we both live in flukishly cheap places that would be near-impossible to replicate

i'm getting chucked out at some unknown point - we know my landlady wants to sell up but we don't know exactly when she'll actually demand my housemates & i move out. i want to stay here as long as possible (and it could be a while yet) but when it happens i'm fucked

his flatmate is moving out (also at an unknown date) and it's an opportunity for him to restructure his flat to make it less cramped - i'd share a bedroom with him but would also have a small room of my own for a study (and spare bedroom for eg when i go raving without him) (or just need space haha)

so the convenience level is just ridiculously neat. i'm worried that 18 months is too soon to be moving in with each other, convenience or not, though. plus all the other things. i also hope that either his flatmate takes her time moving out or he gets someone in to sublet for a few months because doing this within the next month or two is too much of a sudden decision for me

The record amongst my friends for successful gay roommate situations is high. The only noticeable downside in my life (and others) is that you might become more of a homebody than you'd expect

clearly defining what does and doesn't have to involve the other person, what is shared and what isn't, space/time/routines, etc. you seem like someone who values your own space and i imagine your bf does too, it's pretty important to acknowledge that off the bat. the main thing i've learned is that thankfully living together doesn't and shouldn't mean you have to be together all the time.

xp are you kidding me? if you're with someone who will throw your cumrag in the wash without a second thought you know you've got a keeper.

then again "do your own laundry" is pretty much the best agreement we've ever come to since we started co-habitating, after "let's try sleeping alone"

we already do each other's laundry to an extent (the stuff we leave at each other's houses at least). my need for my own space (both generally and in terms of being a freelance who doesn't work office hours) is non-negotiable. not sure how to bring up sleeping alone vs together though, or the mix of it i'll want/need...it's pretty annoying but i basically don't sleep well with other people in the bed (rarely have any sleeping issues by myself) and am not keen to be reliant on melatonin or stronger pills. gonna need a few nights per week on my own at least just to feel human.

Honest tip: try turning the heat down, worked great for me. As for "no wanking" rule that's an fight against allowing Os to become a thing of convenience

tried that, have slept in cold rooms, doesn't make any difference. pretty sure it's just force of habit from all those years of being single. it's gotten better but not to the point where i ever have a full night's unbroken sleep if not by myself

yeah i'm the same way, and it took me way too long to fess up to it. for years it felt like some kind of defect + it's a little scary because if you like cuddling as much as i do you don't want to lose any of it. but afaict we're actually cuddling more now that i finally owned up that i *needed* to sleep alone, basically as a mechanical thing i don't have much choice in, plus it frees us up to enjoy different nighttime routines if we want to, generally makes for happier camping. the only frustration on his part has been that it took so long for me to express it as a need.

it sounds like a nice arrangement, i bet you'll have a lot of fun and maybe save money too, congrats!

Os?

18 months isn't too soon - you should take a risk, it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out.

for years it felt like some kind of defect + it's a little scary because if you like cuddling as much as i do you don't want to lose any of it.

i know right! to both parts of this sentence. actually quite glad it's not just me and my insane body clock/rhythms

you should take a risk, it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out.

yeah this is what i'm thinking. it's not like we're buying a house together (lolololololol at the idea, oh london house prices). i do fear that thing where cohabiting = catalyst for the relationship going bad though, have seen it happen a few times

Sharing a bed has been a stumbling lock with my relationships: like you it's been two many years of habits cemented from living alone.

*uh too

this was huge for me too. would appreciate the chance/change at some point in the not too distant future though.

the thing is it's really nice to shift around into spooning etc midway through the night but it's also much nicer to just not be conscious at any point in the night

Glad you asked this question Lex - my bf and I just moved in together on Sunday and I'm also in the market for cohabiting advice. We've been together for just shy of two years ourselves - I'd initially wanted to wait a full two at least but we spend so much time together that honestly it didn't feel like it made a huge difference either way. We're both pretty conscious of wanting space and mercifully we found a cheap 2br apt (the 2nd br is going to be his study). But I'm also a little bit sweating the sleep thing and, uh, the other thing too (really, never?)

ah the sweet life of a spinster for me

I have, like, no gay co-habitants in town.

The "no wanking" thing is not about privacy, it's a sex drive thing, I mean, maybe you guys have ridiculous libidos, but it's been great for us.

I wouldn't give up easily on sleeping in the same bed. It didn't take much to get us spooning through the night. When it's hot, we don't, but when it's cold, we do. It's great, we both get nightmares easily and it's comforting to have somebody zzzing beside you.

Another nice idea, sorry to get all lifestyle blog, but we do all our serious, work-related correspondence over e-mail, even if we're in the same room. "When is that thing?" "E-mail me, I don't have my schedule in front of me." This is probably the best thing that we do.

i don't think you need a ridiculous libido for jerking off to be fine and to still have sex / have a sex drive. it's been a net positive for me i think to let myself have an active fantasy life where there aren't any rules. sometimes i fantasize about him, sometimes about the sideboob-view shirt kid at the gym. i'm a bit wary about rules around jerking off after being subjected to some really negative ones as a teenager / young man. at this point i've made my peace with it, and i'm sure my bf has too since it's one of those things that we just don't talk about much anymore. it's also been a great outlet as we've "cooled off" which seems to happen to everyone to a degree. some people do the open relationship thing which i just don't think is for me, temperment-wise.

similarly, the sleeping together thing i feel is a practice that we tend to view as somewhat necessary or expected or "natural" mainly because it hangs on from older generations or our parents or movies or something and i've finally decided pretty firmly that, ultimately, it just. isn't. necessary for maintaining a close relationship. on the other hand, getting an undisturbed, peaceful night's sleep is necessary for maintaining a relationship, and a lot more to boot.

we tried everything. there was always something wrong for me: temperature, leg position, arm position, you name it, until finally it got to this ridiculous point of me getting up halfway through the night every night and heading for the mattress downstairs. cue misunderstandings, insecurities, etc.

not saying it isn't worth it to try a few things to make sleeping together easier, but as someone who tried unsuccessfully for far too long, it can also start doing serious damage if either one of you isn't prepared to just let it go. and i'm saying that if you think you might be that person, for whom sleeping with someone is just plain thorny for whatever reason, letting it go is not tantamount to ending your relationship or even giving up touch-y cuddletime, in fact it could potentially allow you to reapproach touch-y cuddletime in a way that's a lot more enjoyable for both parties. there is always an alternative when something mechanical / logistical isn't working for you, don't mistake it for the essence of your relationship imo.

and obviously, the sooner you have that conversation with your cohabitant, the better.

my boyfriend moved across the country for me after 18 months lex, you guys will be fine

we solved the sleeping thing fairly recently, by keeping separate sleeping spaces/bedrooms, and it's been a HUGE relief. for that and maybe a few other (lesser) reasons, our relationship has been undergoing a bit of a renaissance. man, the ups make everything worth it. :)

we essentially eliminated any concept of personal space like within one week of dating... it's always worked for us, for whatever reason. our relationship has always been... different in that sense.

arbitrary rules always felt stupid to us, but we were each others' first serious bf so we felt like referring back to vague ideas established by other ppl's relationships was silly.

i also sleep the best when i'm laying on my back and he's got his arm draped over me and his head on my chest. i dunno!

we have our problems of course mostly because i can be a lazy shit but being able to come home and just lay on the couch with him w/o worrying about what a roommate wants to be doing is the best

also i jerk off whenever i want it's not that big of a deal

we did choose a slightly more expensive place in a slightly further neighborhood tho because we really wanted 2 bedrooms. he makes music in the spare, it helps from a personal space standpoint and also so we can entertain ourselves separately whenever we feel like it.

the idea of going back to living w/ roommates sounds utterly dreadful to me though

gay thread has so many boos, how cute

it's pretty cool

*barfs*

The "gay cohabitants, don't masturbate" idea isn't meant to be a thing of repression, but a recognition that you're living in a house with somebody who'd likely very-much enjoy taking care of that and hisself while he's at it, so why not do it together? Keep your sex life alive via biological imperative. I am surprised there is such resistance to the idea tbh

well i mean that makes sense. sometimes the syncing/scheduling isn't there though, so why not do it apart? and keep your sex life alive via wanting to have sex together and making time for it. if masturbating together is easy and fun, cool. the resistance is to the idea that you shouldn't do it alone, which is 100% about repression.

oh well when I'm out of town we go wild obv

don't really see the need for imposing a rule about that sort of thing but it ends up happening (or not happening) pretty naturally. why jerk off now when you're going to have sex later.

similarly, the sleeping together thing i feel is a practice that we tend to view as somewhat necessary or expected or "natural" mainly because it hangs on from older generations or our parents or movies or something and i've finally decided pretty firmly that, ultimately, it just. isn't. necessary for maintaining a close relationship. on the other hand, getting an undisturbed, peaceful night's sleep is necessary for maintaining a relationship, and a lot more to boot.

this is what i've always personally thought, and being in a relationship confirmed it. but it turns out broaching the subject with someone who, i suspect, doesn't think that (or doesn't have the same fucked-up sleep patterns as me) is another matter.

the idea of going back to living w/ roommates sounds utterly dreadful to me though

this was another of his reasons for asking - the idea that he's still renting and will be doing so for the foreseeable because of aforementioned fucked-up london prices already pisses him off, and he maintains he can't live with strangers any more. i have a really good set of housemates right now, would live with them again, but once we get chucked out i don't even know whether this will be possible - it'll be quite life-changing for all of us, i think. one of my housemates basically thinks her options will be to move in with her bf (like me, she wouldn't have really done this at this point otherwise) or to move to...moscow. but anyway i think housemates found through friends, friends of friends etc would be fine, but the endless house-hunting trudge round strangers' houses makes me pretty depressed.

i am really going to miss having friends within walking distance though. since moving to london i've mostly lived east and while i no longer care about living in a "cool" neighbourhood i do care about feeling like i have a community of people i like near me. and while this may be scattering because no one can afford anything any more, it's going to be a bit of a shock to the system to move south-west with basically zero of my large social circle within walking distance, most of my south-based friends are south-east. oh well i'll probably get to see them more

and the idea of maintaining a social circle is important to me, the idea of becoming one of those couples who turn into homebodies who never see anyone else is anathema to me and would assuredly be the death knell for our relationship

The friends I have in SW London never go to E London and vice versa. If this were any other city I'd say "go do it" but I'm always surprised at how small is the social radius of Londoners. If there is no romantic purpose to this arrangement I'd stay where you are.

Also I don't think you'd become a ~total~ homebody! But, like, before we lived together I was out six nights a week, now I'm out three or four.

oh i've never been the out-six-nights-a-week person anyway, i need my QNIs.

i'd have thought the same about SW vs E London a couple of years ago but trekking back and forth over the past 18 months has certainly made me think of travelling across the city as more normal. i'd still be loath to do it were it not for the fact that i seriously doubt, unless i luck out again, i can actually afford hackney once this tenancy ends. i'm pretty sure we're paying at least £200 less per month than everyone else on this street. i'd end up moving south-east, i guess, in any case.

Three of my favourite people like in Streatham Hill

Live, not like. Anyway, nice place. Never hung out in Hackney except one time I went to a house party and somebody was playing all Grace Jones, all night long, and I love Grace Jones! but I think there are a scarce few musicians you can pull off an "all X, all night" vibe and have it work (The Fall, yes; R Kelly, yes; Smiths/Morrissey, yes) but I remember Christmas lights and "artist lofts" and it felt like a miniature replica of something else.

btw I need to get a live-in mate (NOT a roommmate, fuck no) or I can't continue to afford to live in NYC

one of those couples who turn into homebodies

*sheepishly raises hand*

i'm a little anxious at the idea that we might become total homebodies tbh. i mean i don't go out a lot during the week anyway but i still would like to, yknow, see other people from time to time. i guess one fortunate thing is that i'm about a ten-minute bus ride from my old place where my former roommate (whom i consider my best friend in LA) still lives. ("friends within walking distance" is an alien concept in this city)

i wonder if the sleeping thing will come up with us. it's rare that i have a night of totally unbroken sleep with B, but i imagine i'll get used to it. (side note: i've found out recently that white noise helps like a ton when i can't sleep.) my parents have hardly slept together in the entire time i've known them (difft schedules, he's a snorer, etc.) but i don't think they've ever treated it like a big deal

gin and tonic time!

A secondary (or tertiary) factor in moving from Toronto to Montreal this past year was actually to extricate myself from my social circle, a crew of people who I love to death, best friends forever, but a crew who hadn't made any sort of transition toward "adult socialization". They drank a lot, usually in bars with bad DJs. My idea of a night out these days is to go swimming with friends and then cook dinner, or board game night, or sit on a patio and drink lots of wine.

They drank a lot, usually in bars with bad DJs.

oh god this is the scenario in Katy B's "Easy Please Me" inverted.

Some of that social circle had "homebodied" themselves to curtail the drinking, or because they had work in the morning, or maybe because they just wanted to snuggle and watch Fassbinder, I dunno? I didn't resent that or anything but it was frustrating to see people drop out instead of trying to move the social activity in a direction that was more sympathetic to the failing endurance of our 30-something year old bodies

The most noticeable improvement about Montreal over Toronto, socially, is that bars play music quieter, and generally they don't have that terrible currency of "DJ our bar and bring your friends" so you don't have somebody in every bar clipping out the tiny sound system trying to impress you with deep Robert Palmer cuts-- nor do you have to avoid your friends who are inviting you to their own shitty, clippy DJ nights

Understanding one's limits is the beginning of approaching-thirty wisdom.

if a friend can't stay up past 1 a.m. anymore I'd rather he leave early and not come at all rather than sulk, look at his watch, or, worse, be an asshole and hitch a ride w/another friend who wants to stay.

Ha that is me. I am always going to bf at midnight saying "let's go!" and making a French exit

I'd be going out more frequently if I didn't live in a bar desert. :/

Understanding one's limits is the beginning of approaching-thirty wisdom.

hey, I was only 20 years late.

the boyfriend and i have been living together this year (with a roommate as well though, so I'm not sure how that impacts our vibe or whatever) and it's mostly pretty good. sleeping together is only an issue insofar as i've been trying to fix my sleep cycle and he's still a up til 4 am sort of person and knowing that he's awake and doing things sometimes makes my internal clock stay up or whatever. in general it's been a positive experience although part of me wonders what would have happened without another roommate - i love her and we hang out with her a lot and she's awesome but like, if we lived alone would we be fucking in the living room and being ridiculous? maybe?

we don't have any rules about jacking off, although when he's busy with school and work etc. sometimes convenience trumps time for sex together. that said, i'm not sure if arbitrarily deciding orgasms must happen together would make it happen more. having mental/physical/sexual space is pretty important to him and navigating that balance so he doesn't feel crowded has been really important. we also stumble back and forth across the line of openness to varying degrees, mostly because he zig-zags between enjoying the intimacy of our relationship and being skittish about seriousness and whatnot, so that pressure valve helps.

mostly moot because i'm off to toronto in july and he's got another year of school and little desire to return to toronto. (he's from there.) (not that i'm super eager to move to toronto but work etc.)

and like, we moved in 9 months or so into dating but it was really a weird confluence of circumstances financial and otherwise and the presence of a clear end-date of cohabitation makes our situation different than others' perhaps?

tbh you'd be surprised how many situations are just like that. sounds like you guys are doing great!

i'm having a bit of a situation myself

and it's so uninteresting. i'm just in a ... thing. with a 22yr old guy. and it's insane.

I may have just fallen in love w someone, and him me

But he is a year or two over twice my age

lol the universe

I met him at a Jessie Ware show and we bonded over our love of like French film and Sandra Bernhard's cover of "You Make me Feel (Mighty Real)" and also he gave me a vintage Brown corduroy Helmut Lang jacket he never wears anymore (!)

sounds good so far!

better Bernhard's cover than Jimmy Somerville's.

A year or two over twice my age is dead.

Sounds perfect!

A year or two over twice my age is Manoel de Oliveira. Not sure how he swings.

At his age, down low.

Drew! if you're reading ILX today send me a message in a bottle cuz you're on my guest-list for tonight and I'd love to shake your hand ;-)

Is it fun to get tested? I've never done it, but it looks like fun and I'm considering adding it to my bucket list.

(Tasteless post precipitated by a craigslist Valentine's Day missed connection I saw centered around a testing center.)

xpost

It is not.

I don't remember. Then again, I had "unsafe sex," like, once in my life. (I know definitions have shifted over the years.)

hey surm! just got back from nyc, saw "River of Fundament" on Sunday morning, sorry we didn't collide! I went to see "Stranger by the Lake" in Chelsea on Saturday night so gay vibez were flowing

A lot to agree and disagree with in this but overall, I liked it: http://grantland.com/features/after-normal/

glad you had a good trip Drew!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT FUN

HAVING A CRUSH

JUST FYI

i feel like i want to go to bed forever!

but i can't because people expect me to be happy!

:-) :-)

u can't be happy w/out sleep, honeybun.

I need to buy a seat for A Doll's House

http://www.lesterfreamon.com/uploads/3/9/2/3/3923283/8005363_orig.gif

I find crushes infinitely preferable to love affairs, not just cuz they cost less

it's been a crosshatch crush/affair, interesting beyond words for you i'm sure

if you need help with Doll's House let me know

I take it there are still tix and all...

Wesley Morris tries to pull together Michael Sam, Looking, Stranger by the Lake etc:

http://grantland.com/features/after-normal/

(i am always interested in you, surm!)

oh my surm I was already sorry I missed meeting up but now I'm even more sorry cuz we could have talked about these feelings / emotions / situations, nothing quite comparable to the low key slow burn of something that matters to you a little more than you know it should, and often that's how crush/affairs sneak up on you and hurt

not comparable: my mysteriously painful and swollen left elbow, which is my current situation today- pissed about missing yoga, but also wondering what the hell is going on inside my arm. Maybe it's time to take some painkillers and lie down?

yes, it is. for me and you both. and yes, i would have loved to hear your thoughts, because i know there are similarities in our lives.

yes there are tickets left Morbsy

tune, I had a swollen, painful elbow last year which turned out to be an infection. My doctor wanted to put me in the hospital overnight to get IV antibiotics b/c pills might not be effective enough. (It was puffy and painful, but not so much that I thought I'd wind up an in patient.)

The doctor said that he sees quite a few elbow infections in men b/c men tend to moisturize less and micro-cracks in elbows let in microbes -- especially when they come in contact w/ gym equipment and floors (or yoga mats). And he even had an elbow infection earlier that year.

there's a lot of things men do less i guess

or something

Je55e- I noticed that my elbow was kinda dry and cracked after doing warm up stretches on a mat at my gym- I think that's exactly what happened to me. I never moisturize which in combination with dry skin in winter is probably what led to some kinda disease vector. thanks for the tip . . .

dr3w you don't use IM do you? i would love to pick your brain about a few things

last night i was p sure i did all of the things any "dating" book would tell you not to do. like, all of them. but somehow i just got a sweet response in return. i don't know what i'm doing right, but i hope i don't fuck it up royally.

hi, surm!

the Wesley Morris article posted by Morbs is a good read

oh hey we have an out gay pro basketballer as of last night

omg was he picked

that's AMAZING

hi Alfie!

p sure I am dating the quinquagenarian, we keep spending entire weekends together and shit. The other day he let me try on pants from McQueen's first menswear collection! They were so silly.

He took me to get keys made yesterday afternoon after I called him at like 2am on the verge of tears bcz my keychain broke and my keys were gone and my roommate turns his phone off at night, and then he made me an amazing breakfast and we watched things together and napped all day and then he bought me Vietnamese also he has a cute smile and he gets rly excited when I play Björk remixes for him

nice one stevie boy x

It's fun and he has lots of le creuset

It's the important things that matter, you know?

and you have a lot of bjork remixes.

oh I have lots iykwim

ok idekwtm tbh

Though I am kind of digging "play lots of Björk remixes for" as a rly convoluted euph for "fuck"

You can remix my Bjork.

it's a pretty fun thing to do in my experience

#NotYourSassyGayFriend is making me indescribably angry.

https://twitter.com/search?q=NotYourSassyGayFriend

Go on.

I believe Blanche put it best when she asked Dorothy: "Don't you ever get a nosebleed taking the high road all the time?"

I'm just going to be over here giving you massive sideeye for finding fault with this.

I should say "taking exception" rather than "finding fault"

http://apartmentdwellerssurvivalguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Did-someone-say-sassy-big-pile-of-sassy.gif

Usually "sassy" in this context just means "stolen from black women" anyway

No, I fully endorse the offshoot hashtag #NotYourInnerBlackWoman

This is a longstanding thing with me, tho. I always "take exception" with people defining themselves by what they're not.

This just added sanctimony into the mix.

You'll always be "not married to Alfred."

Not killer to not killer.

Ehh ok whatever at the charges of sanctimony, but a lot of the stuff described in that tag is p much all the reasons I never felt comfortable with the mainstream white gay community, so a lot of it hits home for me on that level.

Well sure. And maybe part of the problem is that the guy who started the tag looks like he does. Like #PoorPrettyEducatedWhiteBoyProblems. Please.

Plus, not from the originator himself, but there's a lot of femme- and trans-phobia peppered throughout other people's tweeted misinterpretations of the tag too.

Coded in "I don't do 'fierce'" terms.

I'd be charitable enough to say this might just be a phase.

I only define myself negatively now with Not a Democrat.

Don't sell yourself short. You're not a lot of other other things, too.

#shade #YourSassyGayFrenemy

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51u8Twfw-KL._SL1000_.jpg

i'm not sure I understand this hashtag tbhwu

i mean if we're talking "i'm not a token swishy sidekick here for your amusement" then i can get with that, even though that complaint seems maybe slightly dated to me

if it's along the lines of "not all gays are sissy queens, some are real manly men like me" then fuck that forever

It's a delightful confluence of both humorlessness and macho posturing and a few other things as well.

At least "disappointing gay best friend" was funny.

sometimes humor + swishy posturing gets old too, tho.

I like to alternate.

though it's v possible I don't identify with the former though because hello i'm a white cis masculine presenting male who regularly passes for str8 and many people just don't expect me to perform sass or give them fashion advice

OK, i guess after ten or so refs in the last month I hafta google "cis"

xp I'm not bi-frivolous. I'm fully committed to achieving an utter lack of seriousness in all walks of life.

"Oh, serious serious!"

http://old.post-gazette.com/images3/20060106_ho_PlutoB_230.jpg

I've been out for a number of years and not once has anyone asked me for fashion advice. But they probably just took one look at my clothes.

(wait, was that performing sass?)

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyd17rjD7H1qakh43o1_500.gif

many people just don't expect me to perform sass or give them fashion advice

lololol I feel like those are literally the two things I expect from you the most

It's a delightful confluence of both humorlessness and macho posturing and a few other things as well.

i agree, partly, but i think there is something at stake here: to not be defined by your fabulousness/accessory to fabulousness. personally - *i love that, but that's not me* is how i'd play it right now but my position of a few years ago *i hate that, and it's not me* deserves respect also and not only because (maybe) those people will grow into accepting or having fun with their mis-definition, if you know what i mean.

I was gonna say, I'd be curious to know the age of whoever this is. Seems like the kind of posturing i was intent on when i was 19 or 20.

it's posturing but i think there's something important behind it. i was late 30s a few years ago so, you know, late developer!

patron sailor = pl4x1c0?

oh wait nm i got it

An ex-lover tried and failed to have Facebook sex with me today. I kept switching over my chats to Stevie D at the tarot party, "what should I say? what should I say?"

Tarot party?

I'm at a downtown gay bar and idk...anybody-could-be-that-guy kinda feeling. Sort of bugs me to give up detachment. Esp since ACBTG is suspect by association w/ ABBA.

xp What do you wear to an event where "tarot attire is highly encouraged"?

Well I was going to talk to this one guy who seemed cool (40-ish, thick build, very guyish, strong-looking fingers) but wound up at the hotel room of a somewhat overly-instense mother of two from San Francisco.

I had been about to say hi to the guy but his friends showed up. Chatted with intense SF-hip mom (who was completely obsessed w/ the state of her lipstick and lipliner) and next thing I knew, the bar closed (time change nullified Saturday late closing times) and the guy had left. :(

The woman and I were going to go to another bar, but she didn't have her ID and bouncers turned her away. So we hung out on her super plush bed, ordered room service and enjoyed her mini bar until 5:30. She insisted on sending me home w/ a bottle of OTC Canadian Tylenol + codeine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaaTQLMEETw

omg.

i've been chillin with a designer a lot lately. it's fun, we talk shop.

I do the same with my garbageman.

he liked my new oversized white sweater vest for springtime :P (not the garbageman)

surm was it prabal gurung

was it kate mulleavy

hi, gays!

http://www.nextmovie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/spring-breakers-spring-break-forever.gif

need a spring thread

and to nuke spring break

hey surm do you like my Mariah Carey ringtone I made?

https://www.mediafire.com/?7hmlm2sfo9xp6j9

since i'm going all out today (no pun intended)

i might belong here but idk. just gonna say that for now. it might be more complicated tho?

considered posting something for a bit now but everything's still not obvious for me where i stand. hope that's ok

\(^o^)/

insider pro-tip: making out w/ dudes is the best

of course that's ok - please post!

stevie love the ringtone. and i agree re- your last statement

xpost have not done that particular thing. thanks surm

xx

hi markers, you've always belonged here!

thank you. however i identify is kinda up in the air right now, but it possibly/probably won't end up being straight

i guess it was straight until 2008 when it became bi (i think), then in 2009 it started to turn into gay and that might be me but we'll see

the last time anything happened with anyone was in 2009. well, eh, stuff dragged into 2010 but not "stuff" eh. yeah.

idk how you identify to other people is not that important rly, just be truthful w/ yrself

i feel like i'm probably gay maybe but i've gone a lot of my life thinking otherwise before that so my head isn't exactly clear

maybe i'm still partially in denial

well I mean you rly like Taylor Swift so you've got that going for you

markers! hey man

idk how you identify to other people is not that important rly, just be truthful w/ yrself

― clouds, Thursday, March 27, 2014 4:14 PM (58 minutes ago) Bookmark

this seems like good advice. i think even how you identify yourself to yourself is not really even that important -- it's mostly just the norms of society imposing themselves on your brain. do what feels good.

fortunately, markers, you'll find us a critical, judgmental bunch

And yet none of us have corrected the winter/spring thread discrepancy.

should we take this to the spring thread? im gonna post in the spring thread to get it started

oh i didn't know there was a spring

mods lock thread!

ringtones for a broken GAY SPRING 2014