Ask Comstock Carabineri

Should Whitehouse be considered melodic genii? They have "white" in their name.

No because, even though their barrage of rhythm is interesting and even compelling in isolation, and the apparent extreme immorality of their lyrics betray, even in terms of delivery alone, an innate staunch moral fibre, and they have joined several important aesthetic genre dots in the last quarter-century, they lack melodic content and are therefore worthless.

Are you using Babelfish?

Hang a on a second there: I'll have you know Captain Beefart (sic) has been officially verified and authenticated as degenerative 60's gibberish.

I will pass your analysis on to Mark Boston, Gary Lucas, Rick Snyder and Mark Perry 'though: I'm sure they'll all be absolutely thrilled.

Really? And who am you been teached English to used by?

It is clear that it is Bernie Taupin. For over four centuries he has provide the lyrics to the songs of Elton Jon, the greatest and most melodic musician of our time age. Bennie Maupin is redonant of that time when Miles Davis lost his melodic gift and waste the rest of his life trying to copy the worthless funks of James Brown and Sly Stoens because he could go to bed with his girlfriend.

Until recently I was a huge fan of the melodic keyboard work of Rick Wakeman. However, I have come to suspect that his music is tainted with the animalistic rhythms of African drum-beating. Whom would you suggest as an alternative to this decadent jungly music?

"If you don't understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I shall take you in my German mouth. Alles klar?"

You are obvious listening wrongly, for Rick Wakeman is the predominance keyboard player of our age, with the exception of Elton Jon, who is more melodic. Nevertheless his works with Yes and the English Rocks Ensemble is large in scope but never loses the eye for melody. You must listens to King Arthur and His Merry Men, but maybe not sit on the ice while you doing so, no? :)

I've been searching for quite a while for a certain record by the Brotherhood of Breath, but sadly, it's been to no avail. Would the Brotherhood of Man provide me with a satisfactory substitute as their records can been found rather more readily in the charity shops of my town?

I'm glad I've bumped into you because there's something I've been wanting to ask you ever since a sadistic English teacher made my whole class learn "Pied Beauty" verbatim when we 10....

What the fuck were you on when you wrote that one?

".... For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced-fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.
All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim...."

This sounds to me like the sort of degenerative giberish I'd expect from the likes of Alternative TB and Captain Beefart!

The Bishop's dick.

These are a few of my favourite thims?

I would be hesitate to recommend the Brotherhood of Man, as they are poor palled copy of Abba and their melodies are too repetitive to waste time.

Nevertheless they remains superior to Brotherhood of Breath, whose crime was to obliterate their melodic African hi-life pop content with atonal baboon freaksout noise. Just because aparthit is bad does not mean you should makes other peoples miserable with your psycho tick moods. When Nelson Mandela was release, he was exposed at Wembley to real musics like Peter Gabriel. No wonder he grinned so happy!

Postpunk would have been better if it never exist. Punks rocks was bad enough as the worst thing to happen to pop music in the last 30 years, with the exception of selected coloured people with turntable made out of stolen jewelry. It destroyed melody. This is why you have Iraq and AIDS now. If postpunk had been suppressed and replaced by more melodic songs of the period, such as "Every Single Day" by Sad Cafe, there would have be no 9/11. Fact.

Are you 4 real? If not, what do you make of people who are?

Yours,

Richey Manic (ssh)

Whoze got the craziest tittiez, Lil Kim or Remy Ma?

What do you think of Paul Simon's Gracelands album?

Well I am certainly more real than what is probably left of Richey Manics, as he has been floating in the River Clyde since 1985! :)

This thread is about phonograph, not pornograph, so you need to commence I Love Tits messageboard no? :)

Gracelands is Paul Simons masterpiece, one of the key melodic works of the later half of 20th century, for he manages to civilise the native African musics with his uniq melodic and wry lyric gifts, it is like Woody Alan in the jungle, no? It is ironic that "You Can Call Me, Al" remains one of the most requested songs at revival discotheques! Is it played at Poptioptimomism?

Funny you should mention James Brown back there. As you know, the line "take me to the bridge!" was a direct quotation of the valiant last words uttered by Lord Nelson to his faithful friend Captain Hardy as he died at the Battle Of Trafalgar. How, in your esteemed opinion, does James Brown rate as an interpreter of British maritime traditions compared to, say, Mike Oldfield and his fine reworkings of traditional sailors jigs?

Of course the Simons and Garfunkel classics are classics. No one can deny that "Bridges On Trouble Water" is the greatest song ever written, except for other ones. But the achieve he achieve with Gracelands is the same equal as Colombus discover America or Cortes stout in the Pacific state. This is a new continent of musics he discover, and nobody know about it before that.

You are incorrect. The correct verbage words said by dead Nelson was "Kiss, Me Hearty," when ask for his last request after stomach severed by cannonball. Thus James Brown should not come into conservation about British seascape, not like Mike Ofield and his rocking updates of Portsmouth Points by Willy Walton.

You are being disingenious here, for well you know that Paul Simons did not author Bright Eyes, for that flowed from the pen of Mike Batts, one of the greatest songwriters of our era time, up there with Diane Warrens and Albert Hammonds. Just because he was a Wimble does not mean he is in capable write great melodic songs like "Crazy When You Close To Me" by Kate E Melluer.

i.e. other people got there a long time before them but failed to recognise it's potential and fully capitalise on the opportunites it presented for commercial exploitation, right?

"This is a new continent of musics he discover, and nobody know about it before that."

Well, nobody except the people who actually lived there already; and they don't really count, right?

Do you enjoy the tradition of American singer-songwriters such as Randy Newman and Harry Nilsson or does it just get your Ackles up?

The only peoples who got to Africa before Paul Simons were the plantation owners. They took the slaves out of the jungles and made them do some work. Because the slaves were annoy about this they start making howling sounds of moaning while banging their tribey drums. This was the beginning of the blues musics and soul musics. But it was only with the corrective influence of Western and European idea of harmony and melody that these musics got anywhere. How could you have soul musics without Phil Specter, for example?

Otherwise they did count, but not very high, because they were yet to be educate. This is why you get so many soul musics records start with "1-2-3-4" because they didn't know any numbers higher.

Do not be the silly. Of course Randy Newman and Harry Nielsen are among the greatest writers of America musics, up there with Hoggy Carmichaels and Cole Portman. Randy Newman's "Rednecks" is an agreably wry portrait of grumpy old American people, about the time before they drown in flood caused by overflow of Brylcreem in 1928.

Do you enjoy Gospel music?

Indeed not - he also wrote "Snookering You" which was sung by Captain Sensible and became the theme tune for "Big Break", which was hosted by that nice Jim "nik nik" Davidson.

Also, of course, Terry Woods (of Steeleye Span and The Pogues), Chris Spedding and Horrendus and Vilos Styles of The Pork Dukes (aka Colin and Stewart Goldring of Gnidrolog) were all "Wimbles" too, you know - and just look at some of the great songs they've written!

I have recently been approached by Tom Cruise to supply the soundtrack of his forthcoming motion picture War and a World. I have been a bit short of ideas for the last 25 years. Do you think I should take him up on his offer?

You really think Madame Cholet was capable of playing that mandolin solo on "Remember You're A Womble" herself?

No my friend, they used session musicians.

In this respect the Wombles were a bit like Frankie Goes To Hollywood.... only with rather different ideas about what consituted being "dirty"

Gospel musics is a little monotone for me in its insistence on rhythm over melody, though I appreciate the sentiment they sing. As with everything else, gospel improved once it was written by musicians with a more European melodic structure outlooks - for example Peggy and Bess, or Show Me The Boats, with its memorable latter performance from the great coloured entertainer Paul Robson. Why cannot coloured performers of today have his jolly and gay nature, instead of 50 Sense?

Possibly even more "4 REAL" than some of the other members of the band, in fact.

I am not sure of your wanting. The Tom Cruse picture is entitled War Of The Worlds, but I am sure he would not want to use the score written by your name's sake Jeff Wayne back in 1968. Youthful peoples today requires youthful musics, like Robbie Thomas.

My postman was whistling the crazy frog song this morning while delivering my daily supply of bills and junk mail. Does this mean it is a great melodic work?

Of course, even though the melody is a generation old. This is the important main of melody. How can postmen be expected to whistle the melody-free likes of Goldy or the Sonic Youths?

That postman who used to work in your area - what sort of songs did he hum?

Stewart

Thank you for the answer to my last question, if I hear him whistling Sonic Youth I will report him to his superiors.

Please settle an argument for me, who is the greater melodic genius, Sir Paul McCartney or Mr Brian Wilson? Could you also explain the lapse in quality of Revolution 9 on the Beatles White album?

The lapsed quality of Revolution 9 was to do with the absence of Paul McCartney's involvement, as it was a John and Yoko self-indulgent orgy freakout which should have been confined to one of their unlistenable albums of the period such as Virgin Wonderwalls.

McCartney is the greater melodic genius of the two, for his gift has remained undimmed in the last 50 years, where is Wilson may have been great melodically up to 1966, but then lost his way through freak drugs, was tied up in bed for 20 years for his own safety, and when he came out into alive it is hardly surprise that he could write tunes no further. Perhaps he should have been taken out the back and shot by the rest of the band in 1967, then we would have spared his misery.

Lucien Freud is the best artist in the world.
The melodic race of peoples makes the best music.
No. Certain keyboards and synthesise are allowed, provided that they inject harmonic and orchestral contrast which elevate the melody rather than obliterate it.

Where do you stand on the Mike Love vs. Van Dyke Parks debate?

Obviously Mike Love is the greater genius with the greatest lyrical gift. Peoples still sing "Fun Fun Fun" and "California Rhonda" 30 years later, how many do you hear chanting drug gibberish like column ruined my dominoes? Mike Love understand that for peoples to listen to Beachboy music, they have to relate to the words. Anyone can understand the boy-girl thing in "She gives me a good vibrator" no matter how mentally ill the rest of the record is. Mike Love made the Beachboys the legends they are. He is much more important than Brian Wilson.

Maria Carey started out as a promising disciple of Whitny Houston, singing well-crafted, melodic ballads such as "Without You" and "Think Twice" but then fell into the hip-op trap, and it is unsurprise that her mind goes cuckoo after that, so that she is reduce to making Phil Collin cover with West Life to make people have heard of her again. She learned no lesson, and her new album was justifiably a flop in Europe, being horrible unlistenable hip-op instead of proper melodic songs she used to be famous for like "Save The Best For Last."

Which Live8 gig are you going to?

That depends on whether I win the text lottery so that I can get a ticket. But it would be pleasing to attend the London, England, one, as the bill contain many of the best and most melodic names in music today.

What do you think of Whitney's earliest recordings, when she was working with Bill Laswell's experimental jazz / funk / punk ensemble Material, alongside avant-garde musicians like Archie Shepp and Fred Frith?

I wonder if you could settle an argument for me. My wife claims that Coldplay front-man Chris Martin is the grandson of 50s American chanteuse Dean Martin, whilst I insist that he's a cunt. Which of us is correct?

P.S. There's £5 riding on the answer!

That is of course a trick question, for the best version of I Can't Live Without You was the one performed by its composers - Bad Fingers! :)

Well, everybody has to start somewhere, get what work they cans. Whitny Houston only ever did one tracks with Material, that was "Memory" which, though not as good as the Elaine Page original, is acceptable would it not for Archie Shep noisily tuning up his sax halfway through. It is just as well that Whitny had enough talent to progres beyond that level - she could have ended up like Julie Driscoll, who for the last 30 years has been spitting into a vacuum cleaner in Stoke Newington.

No one wins the bet, for you are both incorrect. Chris Martin is not related to Dean Martin, and he is one of the most outspoken politics voices of our times as well one of the most melodic ones. Maybe there is too much funny smoke you are breathing in Cold Harbours Lanes, no? :)

That Lizzie Fraser does go on a bit with her caterwauling about walnuts and clouds and shite. Why's she not singing normal words like Shania Twain?

What you are fails to understand is that Liz Frazer is a more abstracts voice, use like an instrument, like Kenny G or James Galways, so you have to listen to her on that level. It is acceptable for the Cocteau Twins were masters of melody.

Shania Twain is more of a raunchy and sexy character, but she has also given the world some greats songs such as "So Glad We Make It" and "Think You Brad Pit."

Do you prefer the melodic work of Guy Chambers with Robin Williams or with his first band The House of Love?

Thanks.

Fwiw actually she did at least one other track, "One Down", which I think is probably more to your taste than "Memory".

I think you are confused with your guys. The House of Love Guy was Guy Chadwick. Guy Chambers was great with Robbie William because he could do all the things he not allowed to in World Party by its leader Karl Kissinger. "Angels" will live forever as a song, as will "Golden Fields" even though not write by Guy Chambers and sung by Sting.

It is difficult to tell, as rumour has it that Bobby Brown listened to this Material records once and was so angry about its non-melodic content that he shoved the master tape down Whitny's throat and force her to eat it. This is how the drink problem started.

Question part the second. Is the William of "William, It Was Really Nothing" none other than the undertaker's assistant and aspiring songwriter William Fisher, protagonist of the novel and film Billy Liar?

Sie sind durchaus ein gescheiter Mann, und ich liebe, Ihre melodic Sachkenntnis zu genießen. Können Sie mir ein mp3 "der Kinder" der Robert Meilen bitte erhalten?

Dank für dieses.

Even if the apposipriate technologoy been available at that time, Joan of Arc would have been extremely ill advise to "try it."

The William was in fact Billy MacKenzie, ertswhile lead singer of The Associate. Morrissey had a crush on him but unfortunately MacKenzie was too disorganise to be a proper pop star, so Bono stole his career and MacKenzie ending up overdose in paternal shed in Dundee. In truth be told, it was always going to be downhill for Macknezie after his split from the melodic gifts of Alan Ranking.

Leider habe ich nicht Zugang zur Technologie mp3 wie, den tröstenden Purr der ehemaligen Stereoanlage zu bevorzugen. Jedoch bin ich sicher, daß dieser zugegebenermaßen melodic techno Erfolg in einer Vielzahl der Kompilation Formate vorhanden ist.

No. The Beat was from Brumingham, and thankfully ejected their early noisome ska influences to provide us with elegantly melodic songs such as "Save It For Later" and "Ever Fallen In Love."

Y'all gonna get crunked up in this bitch or what?

Unfortunate I think you access the wrong forum. I Love Pets is elsewhere :) But your television show is wryly hilarious. Are you one of those people who think that getting your leg over is something done by a reluctant relay runner?

I'm considering starting a musical career under the name Jean-Michel Jah, which will be a roots reggae tribute to the works of the great French master of the cosmic home organ. However, I'm concerned that we may simply blow too many minds with this outrageous fusion of delicious melody and skankin' rhythms. Is reggae a good vehicle for melody, or should we stick with beats you can goosestep to?

Reggae is an excellent vehicle for melody, as has been proven by its finest exponents, such as Eric Clapton and Sting. But you must avoid heavy beats as turn kids of today into uncouth ferals and that is how the Germany of the Nazis started.

Yes?

Yes?

I recently inherited a copy of seminal hip-op "joint" "Whispering Grass" by Windsor Davies and Don Estelle, who went on to become Outkast and write such melodic hip-op classics as "Mrs Jackson" and "Crazy Frog Bitch". Anyway, can you tell me what is the current street value of "Whispering Grass"?

You are inaccurate. Windsor Davies and Don Estelle did not become Outkast. They were in the popular televisual comedy series "Not Half Hot Mother Army." "Whispering Grass" has never been covered by the Streets as far as I knows, but its musichall aspects were certainly an influence on the more melodic site of Mick Skinner :)

Recently my youngest boy, Heinrich, has fallen in with a bad crowd. He claims to be a "Rock and Roll" singer, and insists on being called "Pete". He has also affected a ridiculous accent, such as one might hear used by a barrow-boy from darkest Essex. As if all this weren't bad enough, I fear the lad is developing a touch of the Princess Margarets. His weekly allowance is barely lasting him 2 days and I have it on good authority that he is no stranger to the kind of Opium den one would normally associate with the heathen Chinee.

Last night I tried to tackle the lad on the subject, to which he replied "Fack Awf, Pater, you don't understand me or my music."

What I want to know is this: is there any chance that the little shit will ever put out a record that doesn't sound like a half-cooked Jam b-side?

Yours etc.

Well, you remembers the words of the Casts of Granger Hills when they said Just Say No, so this is what you have to incalcite in head of junior issue. He must be redeployed as a landscape gardener in Colchester - though maybe make sure that the garden is not uphill, no? :)

(n.ob: it is incidental inappopiate to use endearment darling as my 15 coupons do not purchase a hairdryer. I spend too much weekend looking for hot chick to chat up and pay money in laundryette to be deny that. I do not know what hot chicks of today are look for. Yesterday I come to laundryette with Sunday Sports and look for elegant lady to own, but they are all 87 years old or families of 87 in number - so even my copy of Didos record I'm No Angel, on cassatt i got from tricity hospital charity shops and only pay 50 pens so this shows hot chicks I am economic and therefor more money to spend on their catering)

Postpunk bands are sporn of devils and are oxygenmoronic to call them melodies. The better bands are those who aknowlige superor importence of the bands who came after, name Duranduran and Flocks of Sea Gulls, who rescue melody from the hell of Ex-Roy Sex.

Do you like the new Jack Johnson record? Would you agree it is the perfect soundtrack for twentysomethings' summer dinner parties this year? How would you counsel those individuals who clearly have so much inner rage that they are tempted to come round and "BREAK YOUR F**KING STEREO IF I HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME!"?

The new Jack Johnson record is a restrained but most melodious feast of tasteful guitar and mellow vocals, highly remindiscent of the Steve Millers Band. For angered individuals - and, honestfrankly, who can blame them for having minds damaged by the 20-year barrages of hip-op and r&b rot? - I would recommend some Prozaks to help cool their brain and focus on serenity. After all it has certainly done Bernard Summers a great favour in his poetic lyrics for the New Orders, for example: mountains and lakes and the human race.

What advise would you have for the Spice Girls if they decide to play the Live8 Festival of Chari-Pop?

Given the record-breaking chart debuts of the new solo albums by Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice, and the public humiliation which is always arising from bankruptcy proceedings, I would suggest that the Spice Girls need all the money they can get, and should therefore be paid their fee on the quiets, as indeed all the artists involved will be, but you never heard it from me, aright?

Robrt Wyatt has an indefinite grasp of melody. please comment.

best
Haringold mulygrubbrrrr

This is incurate. Robert Whyatt has a very firm hold of melody and has composed many tuneful ones of them, for instances Building Ships, even though that was not composed by him, but it is not my fault that he chooses, his brain having been damaged by paralyse and Marxist, to obltierate his songs with freeform pig honking that should be confirmed to his farm, not put on a records paid for with our hard-earned cash.

Is Shanks and Bigfoot's Sweet Like Chocolate the only thing of worth the UK grime scene will ever produce? Do you think Phats and Smalls showed a way melodic forward for the hip hop genre as a whole?

Death metal vs Black Metal

Whose best?

Regards,

Bidfurd.

Sorry, but Smells Like Chocolate does not accrue to the rules of grime. Neither this nor You Looking Kinda Dumb To Me by Fatboy Smalls can be interpret to be properly melodic, as they are merrely four-4 bar loops of work stolen from other writers and superb imposed on a monotonos syncopate dance beat. The only worthwhile thing the grime secne will ever produce is when all these noisome braggarts have shot each other dead decease. Then parhaps we might get a piece of quiet... :)

No metal is best apart from melodic metal. Neither Death nor Black Metal contains melodic contents and are mirely offensive-sounding retched noise of no value to whosever. Metal is only value able can when allyd to melody, for instance Deaf Leopards Photograph and tender ballad Change The World by Ossie Osbourne.

Timely revive.

Dear Frogscock,

"Ether" or "Takeover"?

Comstock isn't on ILM anymore, but I guess Marcello would be able to answer for him.

maracas.jpg

Oh haha! I forgot about maracas.jpg. I guess Marcello isn't here, either.