Rolling UK Charts Thread, 2007

David Gilmour didn't get played (his version with or without Dave Bowie, of "Arnold Layne") so I will never hear it.

More 'this record only available as download' signs in HMV!!

Hey, let's all download "Seewohl" by Neu! !

Presumably no-one d/l Xmas songs after the event, right? Not like how people'd buy Xmas singles after the event right?

(I did notice the F**ling singles re-entering t'chart, past few weeks)

Highest new entry aside from those shenanigans is JoJo at #22, accompanied by Eminem et ses petits amis at #32 and Amy Winehouse's second single at #40. Next week, we get the fun of seeing if Amy can overtake her first single, which climbed five places to #20 this week. Other re-entries - CRAYYYY-ZAY #30, MON-STERRR #33, SOARRRR-ING! FLYYYY-ING! #37, MAAAAN-EATER #38, "Hello there, we're the Kooks, and this is our one that sounds like that Bedouin Soundclash one except more half-arsed" #39.

Radio 1 haven't put the albums up yet.

I'm sure I had heard "Chasing Cars" on the radio before but it was so immensely forgettable that I had to relisten to it to make sure I didn't accidentally dismiss the next Stairway to Heaven/Like a Rolling Stone/Good Vibrations, and I can safely say that I did not. Best song of all time? REALLY? I suppose for every point in time there's a contemporary song that people get a bit insane for that doesn't really measure up to the classics but is temporarily placed up there anyhow. Also, of course, eventually there will be a song release that _is_ the next Stairway to Heaven/Like a Rolling Stone/Good Vibrations, and it will be interested to see if we dismiss it as fad anyway.

Re-entries further down include Gary Jules and his "Mad Cap" (68), Orson sans Welles (75) and Fill Moi Little World Roight Up (Autotune, not Wurzels) Out Of Vicar Of Dibley (70). No James Brown whatsoever.

How many downloads does one need to shift to get top40?

Made me spit soda out my nose, Swygart. Nice one.

We say, no, no, no.

This week it was 3000, which is quie a bit more than it was this time last year (extra eligible sales)

Just Jack.

That's...

Just Jack. The same Just Jack whose album our student paper couldn't give away four years ago. Fucking hell.

Take That, Jojo climbs 16 to #6. The View miss out on a hat-trick of #15 singles at #11, Freemasons climb from 51 to 12, the Klaxons get there first top 20 single at #16, and 'You Know I'm No Good' winds up a whole two places ahead of 'Rehab' at #18, its predecessor sticking at 20. The Ordinary Boys climb from 49 to 22, The Automatic get 'Raoul' two places higher than this time last year at 30, People's Champions Koopa are #31, and Evanescence are yr #32. Akon's 'I Wanna Love You In The Ass' is 35 from last week's 56, one ahead of Jarvis Cocker. Jamie T is #40, ahead of The Cooper Temple Clause and The Game.

In further DOWNLOADS CHANGING EVERYTHING news - 'Sweet Home Alabama' is #61! Cheetah Girls are #53, ahead of DJ Shadow. The Gossip are #63, MCR #68, Nerina Pallot #70, Ben Macklin ft. Tiger Lily #71.

Amy Winehouse gets a #1 album. Kylie's live album is #7. Next highest new entry is Gruff Rhys at #50, one ahead of Madge Peyroux. Nas is #71.

Explain, please.

The downloading factor has been grossly overestimated. I would have thought "Whatever" by Oasis would have been back in after Corrie on Friday for a start.

"An undated file photo of people listening to music."

http://news.yahoo.com/photo/070116/photos_en/2007_01_16t064952_450x314_us_band_internet_breakthrough

Beneath that... Princess Superstar gets her second top 40 appearance, accompanied by 'Mason', at #11. The Klaxons clamber to 14, Akon and Snoop climb to 16 from 35, Chris Moyles Is Responsible For Pop by getting 'Honey To The Bee' to re-enter at #17 (good song, tho), and The Good The Bad And The Queen are #20. Guillemots get to #27 with 'Annie, Let's Not Wait', and The Fray are #29 on downloads alone. A swift glance at the Radio 1 playlist gives an official release date of 26th March for that. Be afraid. MCR's 'Famous Last Words' makes #38, immediately behind 'Welcome To The Black Parade'. First back to back singles in the top 40 since... goodness knows.

Amy Winehouse is still #1 album. Aside from JoJo entering at #30, there is nothing going on that I find worth distracting me from watching The Krypton Factor on Ftn.

Because they're:

http://www.ops.dti.ne.jp/~manics/4real.gif

I hope 'Chick Fit' makes the top 40 tho it probably won't.

I think someone here should organize a re-chart for an ILM classic...is anything by Anal Cunt available on iTunes?

Eye Of The Tiger back in at 51, I Want You Back re-enters at 53 and Bill Conti's Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky) makes its first-ever appearance in the UK chart at 75.

Oh, and Lady "Too Little Too Late" Sovereign is in at 48.

So, over a month away because nothing ever seems to bloody change in the UK charts anymore - what do we find?

Well, we've a new number one, though we've had a few of them lately - "Um-Bah-Rell-A" rockets straight to the top spot, displacing last week's number one, McFly's double A-side of "Baby's Coming Back" and "Transylvania". Displacing it all the way to number twenty, in fact, equalling the record fall-off set by the re-issue of Elvis' 'One Night' in 2005. At number two, Maroon 5's Disco Pants, with Beyonshakira (as someone is probably calling it) at #3, having somehow spent 3 weeks at number one before McFly deposed it last week. Snow Patrol's "Get A Haircut, Spiderman" is at #4, ahead of "Eh yoowahb! Boowub! Boowub oohwy cluzzerme!" at #5 and Patrick Stump Sings Solid Gold Seventies at 6. #7 is the Akon single that I've forgotten how it goes, with Scooch marking the first song that won't be charting in any other country at #8. Loadsamoney is #9, and plucky house types Booty Luv get their second single to #10.

Mutya Buena Et Son Orchestre debut at #11, then Linkin ParkNe-YoAvwiwAmerieYAWLURRVEURRGHLOAA-AH-OAAN fill the space to Wakefield irksters The Cribs, making their top 20 bow at #17. Then it's "I AM a flower child! Look! Look!" ahead of Biffy Clyro's Second Top Twenty Hit In A Row and then the aforementioned event that forever devalues the top slot.

Possibly the best Sophie Ellis-Bextor single ever is #23, with Verka Serduchka flying the flag for U(kraine) at #28. Fall Out Boy recreate the spirit of Primal Scream circa 2000-ish at #35, and "I know how you're doing by look in your pants, and this is how we call it a comeback!" finally breaching the top 40 at #39.

There are no new entries in this week's album chart, but presumably it's sales season (again) because there is an insane amount of movement in the top 40, climbers and fallers all over with an onslaught of re-entries too. And yet, somehow it all looks very boring anyway. Featuring the smash hit "Rehab" is number one. Ray Quinn re-enters at #19. Little else that's actually in any way interesting.

First non-UK, non-winning Eurovision entry to go top 40 since...?

william has almost invented a private language

I know. Am I completely out of touch? I 'got' the CSS reference, only because I just saw the chart on Ceefax!

I will unpack this 'private language' tomorrow, possibly soon after I've sat an exam explaining why 'private language' is apparently impossible.

Since Gigiola Cinquetti ("Go") and Mouth & McNeal ("I See A Star") in 1974, actually.

good luck!!!! (this is is the wittgenstien module i take it? i should be up nexx weekend if yr over exam hell then)

best song between 41 and 75 this week: N-Dubz 'Feva Las Vegas' ("Ayyy yiiii yiiiii") - if nothing else you can laugh at man's hat in the video.

ELLA ELLA ELLA AY AY AY :D

I will unpack this 'private language' tomorrow, possibly soon after I've sat an exam explaining why 'private language' is apparently impossible.

It lacks any criteria of correctness! Ayer was wrong, it's not a memory problem. (I too have a Wittgenstein exam, but not until next week.)

I liked that last round-up more than most, I think (tho' I love WBS' style in general), although I didn't understand a word of it. It does quite surprise me how little I know of what is in the charts, but yet it doesn't make me feel out-of-touch in a way it might have done five years ago. I kind of get the impression that 'the kids' don't really care either. Is this true, or am I just deluding myself? Is it down to 'long-tail'/'niche' marketing, or just bad presentation on behalf of the producers?

Actually, I think it's less of a lex-type 'who are they?' than an 'oh, they released a single this year, did they?' response. Release dates mean nothing to me....

101 great things about Hellogoodbye, #1:

The band aren't named after the Beatles song, but rather the use of the line "Hello, goodbye" in an episode of Saved By The Bell.

and not "HalloGallo" then?

And so by 'unpack the private language' what I actually meant was review all the singles in the top 40 this week, cos I've just done my last uni exam ever unless I have to resit it, and I've not written enough lately. I kinda miss it, but every time I look at the UK charts I just get massively bored. I hadn't noticed that "Acceptable In The 80s" wasn't in the top 40 anymore, it just seemed to sit there, festering.

But anyway. Here's me on numbers 40 through to 31, cos it's taking much longer than I thought it would (turns out I have much to say on a few things).

40. TRAVIS - Closer

Let's blame Travis. David Gray's not done anything for a while, so it can be their turn. Let's blame Travis. Inoffensive bastards. 'Closer' doesn't really have a beginning, middle or end, just one continuous twiddle for about four minutes. His voice gets a bit high, then a bit less high, then a bit high. At one point he goes "I'll never leave you", a moment that is accompanied by not a great deal of drama at all. Perhaps that's the point. Worries about leaving become part of the everyday domestic melange. One more night together in yr arms. One more cuddle in a string of several thousand, no better or worse than any of the others. Will be sung by massed crowds at festivals this summer, because they know the words. Horlicks and proud, a statement that reveals a touch too much.

39. CSS - Let's Make Love And Listen To Death From Above (NEW)

Is there anything new to say here? Well, have you seen the new video for it? What it does is replace the shots of people embracing from the original with words writing themselves on screen ("LOVE" "LISTEN") in the manner of an anti-drugs campaign ad (one of the stylish ones, where people dance on tables to Goldfrapp then die). It replaces the shots of people dancing with shots of people nodding. It makes all the clips it pinches from the original black and white with flashes of one colour, usually pink or teal. The DFA1979 homage bit is replaced with some people nodding. The new footage is shot in what seems to be a shrunk-down homage to The Album Chart Show, resplendent with several extreme close-ups of people nodding.

It's still awesome for all the reasons MP3 blogs have already stated over the past year and a bit ("six-piece", "new on Sub Pop", "shoes"), along with "and this is how we call it a comeback" - it's sort of 'Move Your Feet' with big crunchy breakdown, to put it over-simply - but this also means it no longer 'counts'. We can't help if 'the world' takes this long to catch up to the rest of us, can we? Will be broadcast by the BBC from a festival this year without the bassline. Three students will be shown singing along and looking about six yards to the left of the camera. Then cut to Edith Bowman interviewing the legendary John Cooper Clarke.

38. FERGIE ft. LUDACRIS - Glamorous

A while ago I predicted (to myself, which is why you don't remember it, but it did happen) that 'Money Maker' would break Ludacris' UK top 10 hoodoo at long last, despite not really being any good. This has completely failed to happen. Hip-hop acts haven't exactly broken the UK wide apart lately, have they? Think, America - across the sea, there is an entire land where "Ballin'!" has no cultural significance whatsoever. A land that really does not have the faintest idea who Mike Jones is. They tried launching T.I. over here last year, but they decided to use "Why You Wanna" rather than "What You Know", for reasons best known to themselves (Who are they? Where are they? How can they possibly know all this?). Britain wasn't ready for the sound of bass that sends fissures through the tarmac, apparently.

But where was I? Oh yes, this. "I won't change by the glamorous, cos if you ain't got no money take yo broke ass home. My daddy told me so." I still don't get it.

37. NATASHA BEDINGFIELD - I Wanna Have Your Babies

Down to #37 already? It's not even JUNE yet! Britain, you cretins! "Mmm mmm mm-mmm-mmm-mmm!" Yes, OK, strange waddling bowling-pin child in the video is somewhat scary, but the song... lots of entries in this chart are going to feature the sound of people having fun, but rarely is having fun actually gonna sound like it's something you'd want a part of, certainly not this much. Tash (to her mates, of which you are one, she's decided, she's forgotten your name, she's terrible with names, no she's definitely buying this one, no, no, don't worry, don't be silly) is in love to an extent that is embarrassing. She's embarrassed, her mates are embarrassed, her beau - and again, it should be pointed out, that's you, that is - is fucking mortified. But! "Mmm mmm mm-mmm mmm-mmm!" Yes, my friend, today the sun is shining, geese are swimming, the strawberry mivvis haven't melted yet, and as such this level of embarrassment is perfectly healthy and only to be encouraged. No vowel sound shall be left untickled! "Can I bleeeep out what I really wanna sheeeyowt!" Of course you bloody can't! Now is the time to get ridiculous in a non-restrained, non-ordained kind of manner! Now is the time for bouncy bass! Now is the time for five-year-plans to become fifty-year-plans because in this state of mind, you really can't tell the difference anymore! It's SUMMER, you berk! Berk in the nicest possible sense, though, really, no, come on, I'll get you a whisky and coke - unless you'd prefer rum, maybe?

36. ALEX GAUDINO ft. CRYSTAL WATERS - Destination Unknown

Fart fart fart, fart, fart; fart fart fart fart fart. Fart fart fart, fart, fart; fart fart fart fart fart. And then there's the breakdown bit. Will probably be used to soundtrack the football at some point. Or the athletics. There's something about this song that suggests Sue Barker's voice declaring that someone or other will be going for Britain in the heats of the men's 800 metres at around quarter past four.

35. FALL OUT BOY in association with TAG - Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Does that mean it's in association with Lynx in the UK? Or Axe in France? Or are they all called the same thing now? Anyway, Patrick Stump (you'll be hearing from him again later) has some one night stands, laments meaningless nature of his love life, love mediated through text-speak = love? Or not? The observation is made, discarded, then not much else. Video can be summarised as: monkeys are funny. Oh, and Pete Wentz smashes something, this may be because he's a prick.

34. MIKA - Grace Kelly

I managed to adapt this into a jingle for Ian Skelly, a Volkswagen dealership I vaguely remember from my childhood. It was a bit easy. I'm not sure if that proves anything right now, but it's taken a lot longer than I'd hoped to get here and Mika comes up again later anyway, so we leave this for the time being.

33. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - What Goes Around Comes Around

Is that the correct punctuation? There's an ellipsis in there somewhere, I know, but I've forgotten if there's brackets too. This is all terribly important, by the way, because this song is a statement. That statement being - you kiss Justin Timberlake then kiss another man then YOU WILL BURN IN FLAMES. For nine fucking minutes. Unless you're cheating on the other man with Justin. Because he's redefined the waistcoat for a new era. The bit where it sounds like Timbaland is singing in an ice cavern is fantastic. The rest is perhaps summed up by "I was ready, to give you my name". Justin's not doing metaphors for his cock - now, he's doing metaphors for marriage. Artist. Though I don't recall whether or not he ever did a metaphor for his cock. As epic chart-topping singles go, it's light years better than 'All Around The World', but is kinda royally shat all over by 'There Goes The Fear'. The opening string twangle is very nice, but there's plenty of other opening string twangles to coo over in this pile.

32. THE ENEMY - Away From Here

They've had two singles out so far, both of which are exactly the same. Guitars go SQUEE! Man! Job! Suit! Tie! IDIOT! SQUEE! Sleep! Bed! Scratch! Arse! VICTORY! SQUEE! The Enemy may be the thickest short planks in the history of music, but bloody hell they're ingratiating. When was the last time a top 40 act (we shall reflect on the usefulness of this categorisation later, perhaps) got away with sounding this much like Polly Styrene? Their lyrics and logic are bullshit, their production is Owen Morris More-Guitar-POWER standard job, but there's a certain fleetness here, a brilliance to the reckless hurtle; the thrill of gobby teenage arguing, of shoving your fingers in your ears and yelling VERY LOUDLY. Bedroom doors get slammed. Windows are yelled out of. I don't want them to release a third single. They will, it'll be a ballad, it'll be horrible. They'll join Kasabian onstage. Or Kasabian will join them. Kasabian are the non-enjoyable form of wilfully ignorant idiot rock - TalkSport to The Enemy's Gregory's Girl. The distinction is perhaps a tricky one to justify or maintain, but the sense of abandon in these two singles they've put out keeps me smiling. "Bella Ronaldo! BELLA BELLA!"

31. FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND - Into Oblivion (Reunion)

First song here that I've yet to hear myself, but I'm worried. First single from their third album, YouTube still suggests a video featuring rain. And yep, that'd be the guitarist doing that move where he hoists the guitar up to his nipple then twists his upper body back and slams it back down to hip level on the downstroke. It's serious epic rock. It does not make the slightest impression. No screaming, no edges, nothing.

30-21 to follow when I've done them.

william i did not realise how much i missed those until i read that tashbed review - that is EXACTLY how, listening to babiesbabiesbabiesbabies, i would imagine she'd speak.

ps the correct punctuation for jt is 'what goes around.../...comes around' - you are wise to ignore it

Is there anyone more dangerous to break up with besides Justin Timberlake? Maybe Eminem.

William, I love your roundups...even if you can't do huge ones like this one every week. I enjoy quizzing myself to see how many sentences I actually understand.

William, if you could capture a song in words, you did it with 'Babies'.

Then cut to Edith Bowman interviewing the legendary John Cooper Clarke.

I'd settle for this. I am sadperson not sadperson.

Mika advertising Ian Skelly, a now-defunct VW dealership in the West of Scotland - a match made in heaven.

I'd forgotten quite how long this writing lark takes sometimes. Here's 30-21.

30. GROOVE ARMADA ft. STUSH - Get Down

Another of those ones that doesn't really have the beginning, middle or end bit, and seems to rely on its containing some very nice noises. There's a bit near the end where the rising synth noise rises exactly at the right time as the rubbing synth-bass rubs, and that's where you think "Ah, that is what you were going for..." The rest of the song never hits these heights. The vocals are not so much wasted as pointless - Stush's mocking intonation of "them try mash up your par-tee?" is fantastic, but she's lost, her fellow yelling man who MP3 blogs do not provide a record of comes off even worse, and the sample of some feller saying "Get down!" sounds like it's been rescued from behind Fatboy Slim's fridge. It kills four minutes. And has no beginning, middle or end. You come away feeling empty. Just like the Travis single.

29. NELLY FURTADO - Say It Right

The song is a set of pretty noises. You sense something thoughtful might be happening, except that nothing thoughtful is happening. Nelly puts on a vaguely hurt-sounding voice to inform you that "you either got it/Or you don't/You either stand/Or you fall". At the start (and at the finish too - it moves in circles, like every novel in the first year of an English degree does) Timbaland can be heard to mutter "You don't mean nothing at all to me", echoing the song's chorus in an almost deliberately tuneless manner, kinda like he's taking the piss out of the listener - he's done the wobble-synth again, it's another hit, without even trying, oh he r the shit an' that. Glory in the refrain, sucker.

The video features the usual spending-for-spending's-sake. The Nelly Furtado-brand helicopter lands on the Nelly Furtado-brand helipad in a city with lots of tall buildings but no identifiable skyline (it could almost be Croydon, really, except to get the scale right the helicopter would need to be about the size of my right arm). She stands about. There's a bit where she gets rained on near the end, because all women look nice with wet hair. She gets back in the helicopter and fucks off. No message delivered, just like the song.

But the shots of her and Timbaland's faces positioned right next to each other are spellbinding. Tim faces the camera and she has her face turned to him, singing in his ear. Maybe it's the amount that it's zoomed in, so it's just their faces filling up the screen, but the small movements suddenly become hugely important, given the proximity in which they get performed. The bit where Nelly clears her throat, for example, looks incredible. Timbaland shaping the beat with his hands and his mouth gives the whole thing a much greater air of gravity than it really deserves. It's beautiful, basically, in a very uncomfortable way, cos it makes me wonder if I'm missing something. And every time I check, I really can't see what there is to miss.

28. VERKA SERDUCHKA - Dancing Lasha Tumbai (NEW ENTRY)

Well, this is a surprise. Another no beginning, middle or end thingy, just a mess of headbanging for three minutes with a fucking shit breakdown bit. Sending such simplistic, relentless pounding to Eurovision is perhaps a sort-of brave move, but the appeal is rather lost on me, really. It's hardly 'We Are The Winners', is it?

27. KAISER CHIEFS - Ruby

The Kaiser Chiefs no longer want to be known as the band that make the "WHOAAAAA" noises. Now, they want to be known as the band that are exactly the same as all the other bands. "Let it never be said that romance is dead/Cos there's so little else occupying my head" aside from the back catalogue of The Seahorses.

The thing is, this is worse than that. It sounds like it's been made specifically for soundtracking clip shows as is the style in British telly at the moment. The reports the BBC filmed at Eurovision all had 'Acceptable in the 80s' as the backing music. At the BAFTA film awards, the cream of the world's film talent were flown to London's glamorous Royal Albert Hall so that they could take the stage to the sound of... 'Shoot the Runner'. Or 'Chelsea Dagger'. Or this.

Ricky Wilson has apparently expressed surprise that people keep asking him if Ruby really existed. Of course she didn't. She rhymes, that's what she does. This song has no emotional investment whatever, just the sound of some people knocking one off before lunch. The backing vocals are pathetic, limp "bada-da, bada-da" noises because that's what pop songs do. The 'quiet bit' (insofar as there are 'quiet' and 'loud' and 'bit' within this song) sees Wilson asking hypothetical girl "Could it be that you're joking with me, and you can't really see you and me?" No-one has spoken like that in pop music since 1961. With the possible exception of certain Radio 1 DJs, no-one has ever spoken like that in the history of man. Ricky Wilson has spotted the future direction of his band, and it's talking like Steve Wright (actually, it may be the drummer that wrote the lyrics, I can't recall). The closest this song comes to surprise is when the next line doesn't contain the words "liddull dar-huh-lin'". It's like politicians patting kids in Scunthorpe on the head. "What's your favourite subject? Maths? You should work at the Treasury! Ho ho ho!"

The playing is moribund. Guitars flop about in an attempt at glam rock, but glam rock was fun, glam rock had life. This sounds like the strings have been coated with porridge. Trudge, tr-trudge, trudge, tr-trudge, "bada-da, bada-da". The amount of apathy on display is dazzling. How is this the same band that did 'Oh My God' and 'I Predict A Riot'? Employment as an album was a hollow ghost, the ballads were awful, the jokes weren't funny, the wit was barely in evidence, but in their singles (except 'The Modern Way') the Kaiser Chiefs sounded like they were falling over themselves just to exist. Wilson always sounded like a man madly overestimating his powers of sarcasm, but the music was buzzing, flying, keyboards and "WHOOOOAAAAAAA" engaged in a mad scramble for something or other that they hadn't figured out yet but were definitely very excited by.

And this record is dead. There is nothing, absolutely nothing of value. "Rubyrubyrubyrub-eh" - Wilson sounds like he hated that refrain even as it was being recorded, the final "eh" delivered with what should be some kind of explosion, but all it sounds like is "There you are, you tossers. Happy?" Kaiser Chiefs sound like a band completely incapable of enjoying anything, providers of processed fun pills for people they despise utterly. And that's what's taken them to number one!

And then there's the video, which must be the worst pop video this year, possibly ever. Kaiser Chiefs play their song. Whilst they do this, a miniature city is built around them. Kaiser Chiefs are too busy being dead to notice or care about this, or even interact with it beyond occasionally wafting their instruments near a building. One can only imagine the amount of time and effort that was put into making a computer generated helicopter fly around Ricky Wilson's head, blowing his hair in a manner similar to that of someone holding a battery powered fan next to it. The shitty lyrics of the quiet bit are made into advertising hoardings in the miniature city. There is a building that has a neon sign that says JOKING on it. A crate saying "TOXIC WASTE" is emptied onto Peanut's shoulder. He doesn't notice because he's too busy looking like a man who photographs animal corpses for a living.

26. THE FRAY - How To Save A Life

Being a timid soul, I never yell abuse at people in public. The closest I've ever come was a few weeks ago. It was a lovely sunny Saturday in the centre of Leeds. Minute Maid orange juice was £1 a litre in Morrison's. I was chugging happily on my way to work. It was a good day to be me.

And then some feller comes rolling down Woodhouse Lane in his drop-top BMW. His stereo is on full. What is he listening to?

This: "Wheddidah go raurrrng! Laaurrsduh fren! Smweroolonurghbidduhnizunnarstay dupp, vyooawnuyd, eenarnor HOW TO SAVE A LIFE."

Outside that context, it's shitty maudlin AOR made by boys who take themselves far too seriously and have the rhyme schemes to match (except you can't tell because the singer is too busy mumbling half the time), but I just thought you'd like an anecdote about me.

25. GWEN STEFANI ft. AKON - The Sweet Escape

So disastrous second album averted, then, by virtue of a song that has now been kicking around since... I don't know when. But we have here an alright sixties-type thing (it has those sort of weird twongly guitar sounds, like a record I can't bloody remember right now) resplendent with some bloody awful verses ("utchereefutchereefrigerator"), at least one totally blatant fib ("Wanna take you with me"), Akon being surprisingly good (he does this occasionally) and some trumpet-miming. I could imagine Brassy recording something like this - it's a bit of a stretch, but had they not been a somewhat awful London indie band, this could have happened. Maybe. Anyway, the important thing to note - this is unremarkable, and that's been good enough to lodge it near the top spot of every chart in the whole wide world for the past six months because she's learnt her lesson and won't be doing the yodelling ever again and this one's even got a chorus and some twongly guitars like those pop records people enjoy. Akon's surprisingly good! Oh yes, you like this. And they snatch the "pounds! dollars!" bit from 'How To Be A Millionaire' by ABC and bury it easter egg-style in the intro - it has something for everyone!

24. JOJO - Anything

Sample-gazing is a somewhat haphazard pursuit, because you sometimes just get people gawping at the sample and deciding that having the foresight to include the sample gets the song a free pass. For example -

HOLY SHIT IT'S THE "DER-DER DER-DEDER DER DERRRR!" BIT FROM 'AFRICA'!

This bit once embedded itself in my head for a week. It would not go away. I cannot avoid its might, the way it sounds slightly hesitant about itself, like it's probing into places it doesn't know, and it's scared what it's gonna find there. It's a brilliant thing. Jojo turns up and sings a quite nice song about finding herself hopelessly attracted to man in that sort of Jojo-ey manner that she does. Much straining on second and third chorus. Several different ways of pronouncing "baby". You know the drill. Except this time, with added DER-DER DER-DEDER DER DERRRR! Which is plenty good enough to get the free pass to these ears.

23. SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR - Me & My Imagination (NEW ENTRY)

After the horror of 'I Won't Change You', perhaps part of the joy here is that Sophie has managed to put together two half-decent singles in a row. You could imagine Dannii Minogue doing this record without it being any worse. Nothing complicated happens.

Except that beat underpinning it? Too fast. No, actually, not too fast, just faster than you'd expect. Or realise. It's really fast. The string section appear to be madmen. This song is really fast, isn't it? Sophie's enunciation is working wonders. "Leave something - Fawwwr me and moy imajjurnayy-tion!" Dannii Minogue's version of this would be nowhere near as good! "We're a posserbillerty, when you make it hard faw me bayy-bee! I'm not in a hurry..." This is a woman more than confident in the fact that she has legs like fishing rods - you think they stop, but then they just get longer and longer... "Don't make it too easy."

The thought strikes me that, had this been Girls Aloud, there would have been a spoken word bit dropped in here and it wouldn't have worked at all.

Instead, we get a breakdown that sounds like, and is, magic. The way the ticking clock sounds: "Dum da-da-da - dum! Dadadada, dum da-da-da - dum!" The song just downs tools completely to make room for this incredibly clear bit of air, and it sounds almost like Sophie's doing it in voiceover, going over the chorus in her head, analysing it: "Never give the game away, try to keep me entertained baby... leave something, something, something, something..." It's not a new trick, but it's executed fantastically here. Then mad strings return to the fade. Possibly my favourite single by her, though that may just be cos I've not heard any of the other ones in a while.

22. MARK RONSON ft. DANIEL MERRIWEATHER - Stop Me

Oh, I'd been dreading this one. Because... I really like it. A lot.

The logic seems to run that Mark Ronson is adopting the aesthetics of the old-school soul singers in a grub-about for authenticity. Everything is soaked in trumpets as far as the eye can see - "real live musicians, no synthesised sounds", as I think Lisa Simpson once said ('God Bless The Child' off The Simpsons Sing The Blues - that's where it all started, folks. Heard it here first). You are purchasing authentic product here. Steeped in tradition. Oak-smoked vats of quality soul. Were this man ever to meet Jools Holland, there would be a harvest for the world. The elision into 'You Keep Me Hanging On' at the end definitely suggests as much.

You can certainly get that off this song, and you probably wouldn't be wrong. Merriweather is trying far, far too hard, the backing occasionally threatens to turn into 'Clubbed To Death' version 1.00000001, and it sounds like it really ought to be selling shoes, or jeans, or something; the words Transmission With T-Mobile hover over it, with Sue Barker enunciating "Mark Lewis-Francis!" slightly too excitedly.

But this man can knock up an intro and a half. His tunes will frequently go flat after thirty seconds or so, but contain moments that really knock the wind right out of your sails - 'Back to Black', for instance, is very much ho-hum when it's being "you love blow and I love puff" and I am reminded of reasons not to miss London (not that it's really much different up here), but when the "I, go, back, to... bla-ack..." bit hits, it's chilling. The intro to 'Stop Me' is the same, like that 'train leaving the station' effect you get with Bloc Party singles sometimes. The tambourine rattles. A bass is actually played (with notes that aren't the melody - I know that might not seem like to get excited about, but it seems so rare these days) while strings fawn, swoon and Are Dramatic all over the place. It wants to soundtrack films, you can tell - there's foreground, background, alternate Merriweathers die then get reborn again (the bit where he breathes out "yeahhh!", is faded and immediately snaps back in again). Tension, urgency, panic infuse it all - something is fucking happening here (is it ever clear what? The elision into 'You Keep Me Hanging On' either muddies it all up or makes it far too obvious, I've yet to decide). The oohs of the backing vocals give body but also crowding - they get set as the observers, always there, pressuring Merriweather, unchanging and unimpressed by all his actions. Scenes get snapped between with each double stop of the instruments.

This record is huge. It's also annoying, and those things about it that annoy never get turned into virtues. Every thing you hate about it seems fair - but despite that, the fucking thing is alive, terrifyingly so. Even if it's nothing more than another piece of this 'soundtrack of your life' culture that seems to be getting built - the bit with strings as the bus finally gets clear of Edgware Road, takes Marble Arch, surges to Victoria and then all the way home again (except it could never quite be that personal - the point of 'soundtrack of your life' culture is that everyone's lives are the same, we're all at a happy medium permanently listening to 'Ruby', 'Smile' and 'Acceptable in the 80s' - and you can get it in Sainsburys) - I can't help falling for its charms. They're considerable. Honest.

21. JAMIE T - Sheila

"Sheila goes out with her mate Stella/It gets poured all over her fella" - no it doesn't. Should we bother going any further? Oh, why not. We have time to kill.

Jamie T pronounces things in such a manner to make 'started' rhyme with 'alcoholic'. Young exciting London types mangle voices about to fit more words into their lines because language is their playground, the world is theirs, they shall bestride and overcome and we shall marvel at their jumpers and yell TWAT and they can probably get about three more verses out of it. Names are made up. Drugs. Drink. Death. "Yeah that's ci'y li-ife, yeah that's ci'y li-ife." The beat on this is really quite nice and jaunting. It's a very well put-together record. Unlike 'Stop Me', it ain't enough. Events happen. Things get intermingled. It works on levels, you know? Vocal samples that sound quite old are interspersed with over-literality and fair wallopings of slang. He may well not be putting it on.

But why bother? What is there, in this record, that gives you a reason to give a fuck? It does things well. It is arranged, it is produced, just fine. He is confident in his delivery. But his delivery of what? There's nothing to believe, just observations that go flat. In the video, the lyrics are mouthed by Bob Hoskins in the role of Sheila's dad going to put flowers by the river where she presumably fell in BECAUSE THIS IS REAL LIFE. Like that Audio Bullys record. Not the Nancy Sinatra one, the other one. People called Georgina are pleased to see yer. Jack is on his own drinking cider cos he told his girl to fuck off and Jamie T is not impressed by this. It goes on. Things get observed. Characters are drawn and nothing happens to them. More poetry. On second thought, sometimes the gut reaction is enough.

OTM re JoJo altho i think the Mims/Toto mash-up has stolen it's thunder sample-freepass-wise.

I've missed these.

It's beautiful, basically, in a very uncomfortable way, cos it makes me wonder if I'm missing something. And every time I check, I really can't see what there is to miss.

otm...kinda. 'say it right' is all about potential. she's describing her situation right now, and it's empty, absolutely nothing to see, she doesn't care about you or anything, move on...except wait. she could. maybe. if the stars align just so. if you say it right. and if you do, it wouldn't be empty, it'd be rich and vast and fulfilling. except it's not. yet.

in other news i am v sad that certain songs i'd've loved to have seen william write about have now exited the top 40.

i think say it right is v possibly my fave single of the year cos of how it feels, just so empty. and yr right there is nothing but that's cos there's nothing to get; it's a beautiful song about feeling nothing. it just so perfectly captures that feeling where you can't be sad about "it" anymore but yr not yet ready to rip it up and start again, it's like being in limbo but somehow this is made into a very, very good thing. in carmodastic terms it's obviously about the end of the blair era.

ha. i'm indifferent to it but that's a decent sell nonetheless. even 696 told me he likes 'say it right'.

it still irks me that the 'great' British downloading public are willing to accept zany Europop ala 'Dancing Lasha Tumbai' enough for it to chart but not something like 'Visionary Dream' (it's even sung in English for you bastards) or indeed yer Robyns.

Clearly Scooch went top ten because they are the future of music.

Hype, hype, thy name is hype...

Excellent hatchet job on "Ruby", Will. Captures its wrongness perfectly.

Next batch probably needs a few photos of the Conference Play-off final and keyboard players from indie bands I've never heard of tho'.

Ruby has lame chorus and production but as is occasionally the case with the KCs, some decent verse couplets.

as is occasionally the case with the KCs, some decent verse couplets.

That's the worst thing - the idea that they could do better. They adamantly refuse to do so, they keep talking about how "we're not afraid to be massive", like they're not gonna take advice off anyone that hasn't gone platinum. They keep just enough of their identity then willingly come out with this crap, and fuck anyone who says otherwise, cos money talks and bullshit walks. This is the real world, obviously.

Anyway, two days later, here's 20-11. I'm really worried that I've still not quite nailed my thoughts on the Manics single, but here goes anyway:

20. McFLY - Baby's Coming Back/Transylvania

Let's leave 'Baby's Coming Back' to one side, cos it's... well, it's alright, but it features Tom and Danny doing that thing where they push their voices far too hard so the words become completely indecipherable, and there's just not much to say. It's all pleasant and jocular and it's better than, say, 'All About You'.

'Transylvania', though! The video recalls the plot of Shanghai Knights (Owen Wilson + J. Chan team up with Sherlock Holmes, Charlie Chaplin, Sir Stanley Matthews and Boadicea in order to defeat Fu Manchu, Richard III, Jeremy Irons and Stella from Eastenders) by having Anne Boleyn falling in love with someone who appears to be Wilfred Owen. Oh, and Anne Boleyn is actually Marie Antoinette. In Transylvania. As you might expect, there's a bit with disembodied heads like in 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

The song is plenty equal to this. McFly are having the time of their lives. There's a bit where they get to put on stupid deep voices and go "RrrrIP HIM OUT OF HISTORY!" which is a beautiful little bit of wish-fulfilment. They're gonna try all the tricks they never usually get to do. Close harmonies that don't sound like being battered with cheese-graters, for once! And Tom Fletcher gets to intone! Tom Fletcher has clearly been waiting all his life for this. Dougie gets to sing! He sounds a bit strained, but hardly any worse than Danny or Tom usually sound.

It turns into a mock-school play, almost - Godalming Sixth Form College do 'Welcome To The Black Parade'. There's almost no way that could be a good thing, thinking about it, but the thing is that the teacher hasn't turned up here. No teacher means rules can be messed about with and no-one has to worry about projecting properly. As luck would have it, the play is really well written too - the joie de vivre never gets lost, no-one overacts because no-one has to. It's a jolly old knees-up, and it's delightful. Almost good enough to make me consider re-evaluating McFly's career. Then I recall their cover of 'Don't Stop Me Now' and that's quite enough of that.

19. BIFFY CLYRO - Living Is A Problem Because Everything Dies (NEW)

Biffy Clyro's career thus far has been based on a stoic refusal to die - they popped up around the same time as Hundred Reasons and their ilk, took three years to get their first hit single (just as Hundred Reasons and their ilk were starting to fade from view commercially), then had a wee run of minor top 30 hits between mid-2004 and early 2005 (before downloads got incorporated into the sales figures), more or less entirely fuelled by their fanbase. And now, for their first time in their lives, they're actually fashionable. They get on magazine covers. Radio 1 are forced to playlist their songs by popular demand. They've become one of the very few cases in present-day British pop music of a band that survived long enough for the world to catch up with them.

So they've got an orchestra. One long, held, spiralling violin note rises in volume till it explodes and is superceded by alternating sopranos and basses. The signs are exceedingly promising.

Unfortunately, this is immediately succeeded by Biffy Clyro doing their impression of the Foo Fighters. "Got a gun in the back of my car!" "Take my face to the inside of love!" The singer is trying, but he sounds like Aereogramme's kid brother trying to sound like Tim Wheeler. Their last single, 'Saturday Superhouse', was an example of Biffy getting this approach right, though that might have been because it sounded more like the Wildhearts than anything else. Here, though, the limitations of the approach are left badly exposed: it just doesn't rock enough. It's not hard, it's not heavy, it's... it's the fucking Foo Fighters. The smell of compromise rock hangs heavy, the various tempo shifts just don't click like you want or need them to. It pulls itself back together in the slow bits, and I'm humming the chorus to myself and everything, but there's this horrible feeling that they just don't quite know what they're playing at here, getting their epic trappings right (I'm underseling the chorus, actually: it's huge, even if that's solely achieved through choral effects not entirely dissimilar to 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' by The Crash Test Dummies) but not figuring out how to raise the rest of their game in accordance. It's far, far more likeable than a lot of this chart, and I'm almost oddly moved at times cos I'm a soppy bastard and, despite never having really liked any of their records (apart from the last single), I do really want this to work out for them, because this kind of success hardly ever happens in British pop - guitar bands come, chuck out an album, it doesn't sell, they either split, do a follow-up album that tries and fails to hitch itself to the bandwagon then split, or continue to bash out the same shit over and over again to diminishing sales while sulking about how the industry done them wrong (occasionally releasing entire albums to that effect). For the first time since god knows when, bloody-mindedness might actually be about to pay off. I just wish the music that accompanied it wasn't so fucking clumsy.

The chorus, I feel I should reiterate, is fucking sweet.

18. MIKA - Love Today

He's bitchy! He's kitschy! He's dirty! He's flirty! "Anyway you've got to - love, love me! Love, love me!" Why? Why? Because Brian May will come round and beat me up for being an affront to your immense talent? Because you can play Rachmaninov with your left nostril?

'Love' - cos hey, that never actually meant anything, did it! Guys! Did it? Nothing fucking means anything here, of course, because pop doesn't mean anything either - and it never can, and you're just being mean if you argue the toss. That's the culture in which 'Love Today' thrives. It's nostalgia, it's clip shows, it's the E4 idents, the Coke Zero ads: "Holidays - without having to come home! Girlfriends - without five-year plans!" This is not an escape from modern life, this is what modern life has become. Cynicism disguised as anti-cynicism all over the fucking place. This is Sandi Thom all over again.

Actually, it's Jamie T all over again too. "Girl in a booth with a big bust on" - obviously this is better than saying "girl with large breasts". Poetic genius now is based on how convoluted you can make your innuendos, just how much effort you have to make to ram them into your meter. "Hooker! Hooker looker! Walk away!" Oh, prostitutes! You can never go wrong with a bit of that, can you? Dirty, flirty, but also with gravity and sadness. Course, you can't complain about Mika's treatment of the issue, because, as with all other issues, he doesn't actually treat the issue at all - it's just words. They rhyme, see? It's catchy. Good beat and you can dance to it (if you're in a club scene in an episode of Ugly Betty).

17. THE CRIBS - Men's Needs (NEW ENTRY)

I feel I've missed a trick. Ryan Jarman has the kind of voice that can only be crafted through years of slagging off other people's girlfriends in chip shops and cafes. "Have you noticed, I've never been impressed with your friends from New York and London?" You'd have to be fairly dense not to have done, really, but he's no less charismatic for it. There's plenty of vocalists around today that try to do this kind of thing, but very few, if any, carry it off quite like he does. It's almost shocking to hear someone sound this blatantly rude in the top 40, really, and writing them off as Another Guitar Band is to seriously overlook this consideration.

The trouble is, on this evidence, it's difficult to see quite what else The Cribs have got to offer. The chorus features Jarman's brother yelling "MAN'S needs! MAN'S needs! FULL of GREEEED! FULL of GREEEED!" They're fashioning a career out of being unimpressed with other people, but they've not exactly got a lot to shout about themselves. It's nice when people hate the same things as you, sometimes, but it always leaves you feeling kinda crap afterwards. Human, but crap.

16. MANIC STREET PREACHERS ft. NINA PERSSON - Your Love Alone Is Not Enough

Theory - if Kelly Clarkson did a record with the Manics, it would be brilliant. This springs to mind because of the part of this song where Nina Persson gives a shout-out to 'You Stole The Sun From My Heart', a song which I had always thought was rubbish, but whose inclusion here somehow elevates it to heroic status. With Kelly singing... it might work, you know. I can hear her ripping into the "YOU! stole the SUN FROM!" bits, and it sounds fantastic. "Drinking water to stay thin, or is it to pee with? I love you all the same." "I paint the things I wanna see, but it don't come easy." I can really see this coming off. I'm a fucking genius, I am. Obviously, the rhythm might need some perking up...

I keep missing the context lecture on the Manics - the first time I took any notice of them, it was 1996 and all the historic bits of their history had happened while primary school me was wondering why they were always screaming and topless and so on. All I got left with were various Radio 1 presenters saying "Obviously, 'Motorcycle Emptiness' is a great pop song", a statement that, being 13-year-old me, I completely agreed with, despite not having any conception of what 'Motorcycle Emptiness' or 'great pop song' might consist of (I was a 13-year-old private school kid, so I was already very familiar with 'obviously'); that, and the conviction that 'A Design For Life' was entitled 'I Desire Four Lights'. This was also obviously a great pop song for reasons that were obvious (who was I to question Teletext?) The Manics I got left with were not the ones people keep talking about, but the ones that sell out the Millennium Stadium every other Thursday, the ones with beer guts and stretchmarks, the ones that came up with hideous cack like 'There By The Grace Of God' and, indeed, 'You Stole The Sun From My Heart' - big, anthemic numbers that they would play on telly and always look and sound incredibly bored by. They just skulked about and looked a bit miserable. And their records all sounded the same. It was the sound of Virgin Radio, unwelcomingly loud, cloddy stadium-fillers. They never meant anything, cos by the time I noticed them they were pretty much treated as just being part of the furniture.

And that's why I'm so shocked, so overcome by this record. Sonically, it sounds nearly regressed to that late-nineties torpor, the kind of sound that gets people asking "Why aren't they big in America?" The drums are all thud and cymbal. There's violin sweeps (note: not the same as in the Biffy Clyro single, not by a long shot). There's Nina Persson, for pity's sakes (obviously, The Cardigans may as well not have existed after 'Erase/Rewind' - great pop song though). Everything's as anthemic as ever - difference is, there is a fucking ANTHEM! And Nina Persson's the key - not that she's especially great vocally, but just the insertion of another voice, aside from the one in James Dean Bradfield's head that keeps telling him he's too old for this shit. For the first time I can remember, it feels like he's singing to someone other than himself.

But maybe it is her, too. Their voices sound great in unison, doubling up to smack home lines harder - that would be dynamics, wouldn't it? And there's dynamics all over the place - the drums may slop about for much of the song, but that just serves to make the bits where they wake up all the more thrilling. They serve as launch pads for the guitars and orchestral swoops, they take off for that universe, that world:

NINA: But your love alone won't save the world
You knew the secrets of the universe
JAMES: Despite it all you made it worse
It left you lonely
NINA: It left you cursed

I've spent two days now trying to unpick that. It sounds impossible in scale: the world and the universe and the possibility of one's existence within them - I honestly, really cannot remember the last time I heard a pop song deal with them so... I don't even know how. I'm just left gasping. Sitting here getting washed over, again and again, looking for the handle. There's so much feeling between the two voices; if this is disintegration, it hasn't ever sounded less bitter or hateful - "through all the pain" (hear him fucking roar that bit) "your eyes stay blue, they stay blue, baby blue".

Not even mentioning this:

JAMES: I could have left us in exile...
NICKY: I could have written all your lines...
JAMES & NINA: I could have shown you...
NICKY: I could have shown you...
NINA: How to cry...

It's the way Nicky Wire forces himself into the narrative, off the rhythm, the lyricist sticking his head through the page - if it's meant to be an in-joke, it certainly doesn't sound like it. He sounds cragged, bitter, like the stories he's written are falling to pieces before his eyes, the happy ending suddenly impossible so let's slip off the mask. The show is over. The world just ended, didn't it?

It makes tears well up in the corners of my eyes for reasons I will never be able to explain, possibly cos they don't exist - it feels like the natural reaction, like how Dimitar Berbatov makes me cry sometimes with his perfection (that really is the best analogy I can come up with, I'm sorry). It's too much to take in, even if it feels like it shouldn't be. I'm exhausted, overcome and delighted all at once.

I'm a sentimental bastard, as I said before. The thing is, I don't think that has anything to do with it.

(I've just been watching the video for 'Everything Must Go'. James Dean Bradfield falling to his knees in a hail of pink petals, screaming "HAPPY, HAPPY" - it's pretty awesome)

15. AMERIE - Take Control

Down from last week's number ten, a chart position that made me feel quite unreasonably excited. This single, you see, hasn't done especially big business elsewhere. Wikipedia suggests it didn't even crack the US Hot 100 (of the 14 songs we've not yet looked at, there's only three that are likely to be similarly unsuccessful). Indeed, after 'Touch' failed to crack the top 20 over here, you'd have been forgiven for thinking that the UK wouldn't be bothering with her again.

The spy film guitar break that propels this is pretty much worth the price of admission on its own. Inviting and insinuating, the stray notes serving as glances, winks, smirks. It's a fine ol' loop, but the key thing is that, with exception of some trumpet bursts to build the chorus, most of the work is left to her.

Her response: "I'm on fire right now, look at me!" She keeps it simple. She hits stride. She nods to NWA: "I'll find him, I'll forgive him, I'll feed him!" She flirts. She shows off. She chats you up. "I try my best not to blush..." She switches up the tempo. She drops the loop and nods to En Vogue: "Nevernevernever nev-errr..." She presents her conclusion: "Why don't you come a little clo-sah!" She's pretty skillz, basically, and this is a rather fine showcase for that.

14. AVRIL LAVIGNE - Girlfriend

Not to be, like, your mum or anything, but there is only so far I can cheer a song whose video sees the heroine knocking her rival senseless with a golf ball then laughing as she falls face first into a shallow pool of water.

It's a problem that really holds back my enjoyment of 'Girlfriend'. Yes, the portrayal of Avwiw as rapacious maneating bitch is superbly executed. The all-out assault of the chorus is pretty awesome. The "HEY HEY YOU YOU!" is fucking brutal. "You're so fine I want you mine yah so deli-shass!" Does she take any breaths there? The naked viciousness is beguiling, in a way, and the way it appeals to jealousy - being single, seeing couples being all couple-y, then getting A Bit Cross - is, shall we say, not entirely unfamiliar round these parts.

The video is the massive, massive sticking point, though. The thing is, the only one of the three Avrils represented here that looks like a familiar version is... the one that gets clonked on the head with the golf ball and ends up crying in an upturned portaloo (worse yet - an upturned portaloo recently vacated by A Fat Person!) - shoulder-length red hair (always the gingers wot get it, eh?), spectacles (I clearly remember seeing bespectacled Avril on CD:UK once, looked a bit like Nana Mouskouri), that sort of thing. The smiling part, not quite so familiar. One way of reading this is a rejection of previous, conformist persona - the square-cut, non-dangerous corporate entity. Avril shedding her skin, y'know. No longer ready to make nice or do theme tunes for fucking Eragon.

Problem: the one that triumphs is a nice, clean, committee-approved MCR fan type. Jet-black hair, dead level fringe, spiky bracelets, long-sleeved tee with nothing on it, no identifying marks, nice, tidy genre signifier. A shedding of one corporate identity for a newer, more fashionable one. Christ, even the bit where she takes the golf shot is weird - she starts off left-handed, then switches to right to make the shot itself. Even if we argue that Actual Avril is the one that's singing the song (which is a pretty strong argument, yes), the acceptably fashionable girl is clearly posited as the one to root for, because the other girl is "so stoopid - what the hell were you thin-king!" The message seems to basically be CONFORM OR DIE - not an unfamiliar one, no, but the way in which it gets put across is really a bit scary.

Actual Avril's position is less clear, cos much of her role seems to be one of self-empowerment, albeit through selfishness ("I want you mine" so badly that you're not getting assigned a verb). "And hell yeah, I'm the motherfucking princess!" - that's a fucking line right there, innit? Sometimes, dammit, the self must come through. Timidness ain't shit. Sometimes, you gotta be the motherfucking princess. So she jiggles, stomps, flexes her muscles, regardless of how out of place it often looks. This, in a strange way, is Avril's coming out party. She's mad as hell, and she's not gonna take it anymore, and she's going to show this by grinding on a Josh Hartnett-alike in a pair of fishnets.

It's confusing.

13. NE-YO - Because of You

Slight spoiler for Stylus' Eurovision article, which goes up on Monday - here's Marcello Carlin on the German entry:

ROGER CICERO! With the words �ROGER� and �CICERO� flanking him in huge yellow neon letters just so that we don�t forget that he�s wearing a hat.

Ne-Yo does not just wear one hat, of course. In this video, he has no less than six. Dancing hat. Club hat. Outdoors hat. Bedroom hat. Make-out hat. Morning after hat. He's a man of moods. Like with Amerie, the backing keeps it tight, one guitar loop (very, very taut 80s-funk), some xylophone notes for softness, electric piano to indicate rise and fall. Unlike Amerie, Ne-Yo does not have time for playing around. He is a man in pain because he cannot drag himself away from sexing his woman. "I need it when I want it, I want it when I don't... I know this much is true! You! Have become myyyyyyy addiction..." Why is she so hot? Why does she torment him like this? Why can't she get some glasses and a pink cardigan? They are Serious Questions, requiring Serious Answers, none of which involve dropping the beat and asking "Why don't you come a little clo-sah!" There's no time for improvisation, he's got songcraft to be getting on with. He's pretty good at it, to be fair, but the trouble with 'Because of You' is just how steadfastly alright it is. Heights are refused. Risks are adamantly not taken. The mould must on no account be broken. It's a record that refuses the strong passions - it's subtle, it's well-worked, but it's very self-conscious about the subtlety, and so it really doesn't amount to an awful lot. But it's more than...

12. LINKIN PARK - What I've Done

Video summary: history - bad. Here's a montage of history. 9/11, Castro, nuclear tests, rhinos, heroin, stem cells. Here's Linkin Park in a desert with some fucking ridiculous flashlights. Chester Bennington is clad entirely in leather, topped off with some highway patrol sunglasses. Someone must take responsibility for something. Or they must forgive themselves for something. History makes us. Or it doesn't. Chester flails. Lots of people flail. Look at that desert, eh?

Song summary: As above but less interesting.

11. MUTYA BUENA - Real Girl (NEW)

As happens a lot on this list, the intro to this is brilliant. A succession of three notes, dropped one after the other, left to reverberate so you can feel the depth. It sounds fantastic, and what follows it should be too. It's Mutya, a woman possessed of an amazing voice, tough as fuck but warm and tender too. This is her debut solo single. It's an event. This will be great. Now let's hear those opening lines, get ready for posterity:

If I had one chance to
Live my life again
I wouldn't make no changes
Now or way back when

No, sorry, it appears that it's actually 'Change' by Lisa Stansfield. Mutya sounds lovely, but someone has badly messed up somewhere along the line. 'Real Girl' is a series of bland signifiers more suited to launching the winner of Fame Academy - she's true to herself, she doesn't pretend to be something she's not, and she doesn't need permission from nobody else. She's gonna say what she wants to, do as she wants, even if that involves singing along to the KFC Got Soul music about, er:

But I don't wanna think about
What's gonna come around for me
I'll just take it day by day
Cos it's the only
To be the best that I can be

Yes kids, rest assured, Mutya Buena is not going to be distracted by thoughts of qualifying for the UEFA Cup. The furrow has been ploughed many, many times - Stansfield, Gabrielle, Beverley Knight - and she's gonna stick right to that. But with slightly higher production values. On this single, anyway.

bump (ILM moving fast since last night)

I'm gonna x-post the "Girlfriend" comments to the Teenpop thread if that's OK. You're about the fifth person I know of, Will, who has said the video strongly affects your appreciation of the song (in a negative sense). I have sworn off ever watching the video.

I think the song is meant to have the subtext "I'm a nasty person"

So did "Skater boie" as she gets the guy in the end because she's a fabulous pop star like he is, and the girl could have had him before but she didn't.

Nothing's changed that much.

And here we are at long bloody last - the top 10.

10. BOOTY LUV - Shine

Basically their last single with the pace ratcheted up rather. Route one filter-housing of Luther Vandross by two of the girls from Big Brovaz enjoying a surprise career revival. Little more to say than that - does what it does, does it reasonably enough.

9. TIMBALAND ft. NELLY FURTADO and JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - Give It To Me

Horrendous in so many ways.

Let's start at the start - Nelly Furtado is mumbling. I'm not sure if the concept is meant to be that she can (and thus will) do this sort of thing in her sleep, but it sounds terrible. She mutters something about Amnesty International, and then I think she starts dribbling.

And then the chorus, resplendent with Timbaland's trademark Quite Nice Echoey Synth Noise. "If you see us in the club, you'll be acting real nice/If you see us on the floor, you'll be watching all night." Famous people be famous. Yup.

And here's Timbaland himself, and what would he like to talk about? "I get a half a mil for my beats, you get a couple gra-a-and." Yes kids, that's the cutting edge of modern pop - bar charts! "Your songs don't top the charts, I heard 'em, I'm not a fa-a-an." Yeah, you fucking tell those Melt Banana bitches!

And - yes! It's Justin! "We missed you on the charts last week, oh that's right, you wasn't there!" Now, aside from that being a grammatical error only marginally less erroneous than "My heart bleeded, girl", by your logic the only people allowed to suggest that you are a misogynist hamster-child ponce are those immediately above you in the chart rundown. This week, that means Scooch. Have you really thought this one through? "Our run will not be over, at least not till we say." Oh. Oh good.

'Give It To Me' is basically three boring sods informing you they are wanking in your ear, then proceeding to wank in your ear. And expecting you to enjoy it, because you are bound to enjoy it by virtue of the people doing the wanking. You are honoured that the self-appointed pop czars have taken time out to inform you that they make more money than you. P.S. you are a moron.

The big question here: is this or 'Ruby' worse? The basic message of the two - here's some shit, you seem to enjoy that sort of thing - is the same, but here the contempt for the listener is almost treated as one of the selling points. We can get away with this, so we're getting away with it. Look at us getting away with it! The beat's nice enough, though, so perhaps that's all that matters. Maybe.

8. SCOOCH - Flying The Flag For You

Getting to number five last week makes this the highest-charting UK Eurovision entry since Katrina and The Waves ten years ago. And they actually won...

It's weird, because I can't remember any UK entry ever having as little support back home as this one. From the cock-up in announcing the winner at the UK Eurovision final, Scooch have basically struggled to get any backing from anyone, and not really without reason. 'Flying The Flag For You' is the kind of song you might expect to find on one of those Australian kids shows that go out at half-six in the morning on Channel 5, except with some really hideous attempts at innuendo crowbarred in. The bit where one of them goes "Would you like a complimentary drink with your meal, sir?" is particularly jarring - no-one ever says "complimentary drink" anymore, surely? Did they really need to fit a blowjob reference in that desperately? Really?

It's not very good, basically.

7. AKON - Don't Matter

Ah, this is nice. Akon gets right back to basics - straightforward reggae-tinged summer balladeering. Him and his lass are gonna be in love, no matter what people say. His croon works marvellously, gentle, warm, welcoming. It's just really, really nice. Probably my favourite single of his thus far.

6. GYM CLASS HEROES ft. PATRICK STUMP - Cupid's Chokehold

Whereas this is just OK. It's got its hook, which is Patrick Stump singing 'Breakfast in America', and it's got the piano clomp, and it runs it right into the ground. Akon's more subtle, never overplays his hand too much, whereas Stump seems hell-bent on giving you "buh-duhduhduh!" till it starts coming out of your tear-ducts. And then there's some rapping, and that's... well, it's boring. Nice, sensitive, but really very boring. Man thinks he falls in love with girlfriends. Makes witty observations along lines of "She even makes me pancakes - if that ain't love, then I don't know what love is!" Man breaks up with girlfriends before finally finding girl he can really love (you can tell because they drop the fucking piano when he starts talking about her). It's all OK, but a bit boring, really.

Perhaps a better comparison point is 'Steal My Sunshine', which this feels like a kind of successor to. Now, the thing with 'Steal My Sunshine' is that the rapping is either much better or much worse - unlike Trev here, they don't seem so concerned with being all witty and stuff, but that may just be because they're completely incoherent most of the time. At one point, it sounds like she's saying "Now the funny glare a paid leave me tear in staring under heat, involved in under usual feet." Even if I knew what the actual lyrics were meant to be there, they most likely still wouldn't make any sense.

But no matter, because the important thing for one-off summer hip-hop hits is the hook. Canadian girl squeaking "If you steal my sunshine" over some plonked piano notes and a woodblock that sound like they're being played down a time tunnel from thirty years ago, versus Patrick Stump sings Supertramp. The choice is not a hard one.

5. HELLOGOODBYE - Here (In Your Arms)

I like this. It's sweet. It could have been made at any time since about 1981. It's nice. "Whisper, 'Hello, I miss you quite terribly'." All nice. All very, very nice. Nice nice nice. I wish I had something more to bloody say about this, but I don't. It's a one-hit wonder, and it's a very sweet little song about embracing someone with your arms. "Our lips can touch, and our teeth can brush" - that kind of attention to detail should surely get it five stars in the Observer Music Monthly, but it's not detail for detail's sake, is the thing. Delight in physical sensation. It's a lovely thing.

4. SNOW PATROL - Signal Fire

Here's a song that does everything they usually do, right down to getting the drums to be a bit angry in the chorus. I vaguely remember their last single being exactly like this. The words were different, but other than that, it was exactly the same.

Steve Lamacq remarked that Gary Lightbody is the kind of man who could write a hit record while coming down the stairs for breakfast. He's probably right. Thing is, Steve seemed to think that was a good thing.

3. BEYONCE ft. SHAKIRA - Beautiful Liar

Beyonce and Shakira do one of those duets where it seems entirely possible the participants have never actually met. There are high notes. There are whispered bits. Apparently they may be in pain at having been two-timed on each other by the same man (I'm not sure of the precise grammatical properties of 'two-timed', so please correct me if it's needed). This event is accorded the emotional significance of finding out that someone's used some of your milk, despite the fact that you very clearly wrote your name on the bottle in permanent marker. "Can't we laugh about it?" Not if you think that noise you're making is laughing, no. They decide that he is to blame rather than them. Which more or less makes sense.

The video is very pleased with itself for making them look identical. The point of doing this is never entirely clear, but they must have put a lot of work in, so well done to them.

Number one for three weeks earlier this year. How?

2. MAROON 5 - Makes Me Wonder

Is it wicked not to care? Oh, the Hall & Oates-ing is all very tight, certainly, and they've learnt their lines very well, but... look, it's taken me the best part of a week to review the top 40, I'm almost at the end, and I'm greeted by some nicely-played disco sung by a squeaky-voiced man who sounds a bit snippy about something - "I don't believe in you, any more! Any mo-o-ore!" appears to be the rough summary. I'm tired. He's boring me. This record is OK. It's just my head feels like it's being hit with a very banal hammer.

1. RIHANNA ft. JAY-Z - Umbrella (NEW ENTRY)

Thank God. Here at last. And it's a fine, fitting way to end. Slow jam gets taken to beautiful, beautiful heights. Why Jay-Z turns up is beyond me - the intro is just him doing his "Riddle-me-Hov, riddle-me-cloves, knaah-mean?" bit for the umpteenth time, and while it's not terrible, it's not exactly necessary, cos Rihanna's just made herself the best hook of her career.

And ooh, it's a hook. It's pretty much the reason I'm doing this recap, really - sat doing my exams on Monday, sun pours through the windows, and in my head: "You can stand under my um-ba-rellah, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, under my um-ba-rellah, ellah, ellah, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh-eh." Her voice on this is perfect, every syllable rolling and pressing down so deep. It stays in there for days, nights afterwards. The production is a beauty, too, everything running in bullet-time, synth shots that fork like lightning through the beauteous mass of her voice. She never has to show off, just hold steady against the tide, and just like that I've finally found a way to enjoy her. 'SOS', for example, was OK, but she was stretching, hyper-vocalising all over the place, forcing her trilling on bits that just did not need trilling on. Suddenly, Rihanna ditches the high notes for sensitivity, and we have the best number 1 of the year by a pretty reasonable distance.

*applause*

i would shout ENCORE but i am not that cruel

"Can't we laugh about it?" Not if you think that noise you're making is laughing, no

that insane background cackle is the song's real redeeming feature

Yes, finally someone else takes a stand for "Here (In Your Arms)"! I think of it as a full-on pop version of "With Or Without You".

So then... Rihanna's still number one. Maroon 5 are still number two. And Beyonshakira is still number three. Snow Patrol are no longer number four. They are now number seven. This means that Hellogoodbye, Gym Class Heroes and Akon all go up one place each. Timbaland And Friends does the same and is now number eight. Mutya Buena, utilising the power of 'realness', goes up TWO. She is now number nine. Booty Luv are still number ten.

But what ho, what have we below! Well, actually, it's The Pigeon Detectives, and they're #12. There is then some shuffling of the deck before THREE NEW ENTRIES. IN A ROW. R Kelly introduces T-Pain to the UK charts at #18, Kaiser Chiefs snardle blardle fnuff #19, and Dizzee (Dizzee!) is #20. 'Sirens' isn't especially great, but this somehow feels like a high point of sorts.

21-30 consists of more shuffling of the same old bloody cards. 'Ruby' climbs back to #23.

31-40 is also more of the sodding same. The Twang slot between Biffy and Gaudino at 33. Reverend & The Makers manage to fuse Johnny Boy with Space at 38. 'Shine' re-enters at 40.

Albums: apparently last week's chart was a massive fib. Maroon 5 knock Linkin Park off the top. Sophie Ellis-Bextor makes a surprisingly strong showing at #7, with Ozzy Osbourne at #8. Cribs #13, Hellogoodbye #17, Erasure #29, The Used #39.

See you next month, eh?

Reports of the demise of Mutya Buena may have been greatly exaggerated. Rihanna holds the top spot, but 'Real Girl' gains for the third week in a row and now sits just behind it. Stasis continues below, tho - BeyonshakirahellogoodbyeAnyMoreAnyMo-o-oreBuh-duhduhduh"Why is everybody on my dick?" leading up to The Twang at #8 and Calvin Harris at 9, with Akon rounding out the top 10.

Notable movements beneath - Reverend & The Makers soar to #12, Mims and Marilyn Manson debut at 18 and 19. The Pigeon Detectives are this week's #16.

Armand Van Helden is #22, ahead of Kim Sozzi at #23. That bloody Zimmers thing is #26. 24 and 25 - 'Ruby' and 'How To Save A Life'. 'reekay is #28. Tiny Dancers have their second top 40 hit (you'd be forgiven for missing the first one) at #33, and Simply Red are #36. The second single off We're The Kaiser Chiefs, We Are falls to #39 from last week's #19, putting it a whole 15 places behind its predecessor. Expect exclusive interview on The Culture Show with Ricky Wilson proclaiming that he hates "that bloody song" in about a year's time.

Maroon 5 still own the album chart. The Pigeon Detectives are new at #3. R Kelly is your sexasaurus at #10. Josh Groban re-enters at 12. I have a horrible feeling there's a logical explanation for that. Some Jeff Buckley compilation is YOUR number 16. Chris Cornell's solo album is #25, the Joseph & The Technicolour Thingy OST is #35, and Richard Thompson is #39.

i can't remember the last time we had such amazing artists comprising the top 3. three of them have done better songs, it must be said, but we'll take what we can. divalicious!

mims :)

Imagine how 'Song 4 Mutya' will do on the charts if its very inferior predecessor (which is decent, but still) makes it to #2.

i like the 'ping pong' beat re enrique

I quite like the enrique song as well. I suspect I'd like it even without the ping pong beat. it's nice to see that there's still a male pop star chugging away.

Also, will anything knock Rihanna from her throne in the next, say 2 months?

Take That's new single?
Mika's new single?

Actually, I think the best bet is Rihanna's next single, Shut Up and Drive, which is an absolute summer smash.

I think the chart may have shifted about enough that I might try a full write-up again this week. Hmm.

Wot 'az 'appened:

Ri-Ri now on top for a month solid, while Mutya's got more legs than many would have thought, managing a second week at 2. Even bigger surprise - Calvin "Fucking" Harris climbs 6 to 3. The shuffle this week goes "She even makes me pancakes" "Heeesh the wurrn to blehhhhhm" "Oo-arr oo-wunn, oo-wunnoo lies clustermi" then your favourite Maroon 5 lyric (it probably involves eyes, most of them seem to). At number 8 - Reverend and the Makers! Is that Wall of Sound's biggest hit ever, then? 'reekay is number 9, "I'm not a fa-a-an" at 10.

'Icky Thump' is the week's highest new entry at 13, one ahead of Bob "Fucking" Sinclar. More hearteningly, Unklejam recover from their not especially good first single by getting the quite smashing 'What Am I Fighting For?' to 16. The Twang slip to 17, ahead of Kelly Rowland and Queens of the Stone Age. Not on the same record, silly. It's not 2002 anymore.

Armand van Helden is YOUR number 23, Chemical Brothers are 25, Klaxons' version of 'Not Over Yet' (now confusingly titled 'It's Not Over', which would be an altogether different animal) is at 28. The Fray's second single seats itself at 34, one spot ahead of the second single by Ghosts. The not-exactly-necessary reworking of 'Keep On Jumpin'' is at 37, and the Holloways are this week's number 39.

ALL NEW ALBUM TOP 3! Rihanna edges Biffy Clyro to take the top spot, with The Twang at 3. In fact, it's a big week for albums overall, with seven new entries in the top ten - Macca at 5, Dizzee at 7, Marilyn Manson at 8 and Mutya at 10 (thinks - does this performance mean that people are choosing not to buy her album because they think she can't possibly top 'Real Girl'? Hmm...)

Compilations of Hank Marvin and Genesis are at 13 and 14, THE BOSS live in Dublin is 21, The Singles Of The Clash are at 23, and, er, Dream Theater (no, really) are number 25. Klaxons re-enter at 37, possibly due to being a mere £4 in Woolworths.

More follows. Possibly. And if not this week, then definitely next.

I love Bob Sinclar but his new track takes "derivative" to higher and more amazing levels than thought possible. I wanted "Tennessee" to be released as a single, but oh well.

Glad Unklejam is doing well.

i find mutya's massive success compared to siobhan donaghy's v amusing. siobhan would be gnashing her teeth and sticking pins in voodoo dolls - well, if she didn't seem so nice, which is the rub really, that's why i can't get into her stuff. bored of nice people in pop.

except kelly rowland! who is the unlikely source of my Most Anticipated Album of the near future. ahh lovely kelly.

musically, you need to come to Europe and you will hear nothing but "Love Generation"/"Rock This Party"/"World Hold On" on loop in the stores in the horrible beach discos in the public transportation and it will no longer be possible for you to love Bob Sinclair.

It has been 7 years since Overload and Sugababes Mark I. I'm guessing most of the current target sugababes fanbase have the faintest idea who Siobhan is whereas it's only been a year and a half since Mutya left.

As for being Siobhan being nice, wasn't she bullied into clinical depression by Keisha and Mutya? Although I pity Siobhan, extra points to Keisha and Mutya for feistiness!

I don't Mutya was the bully...I think it's been hinted by both Mutya and Siobhan that it was Keisha who helped drive both of them out. Mutya and Siobhan are still friends if I remember some interviews correctly. neither of them claim to be close to the rest of the 'babes though.

Bob Sinclar's album did spawn some massive dance hits in the US but that's hardly something that will saturate the airwaves. I have been playing the album like it's going out of style so maybe I'll bring it upon myself.

Also, will anything knock Rihanna from her throne in the next, say 2 months?

White Stripes are no1 in the midweeks, only by about 1000 sales though.

Siobhan came out for the Tories in an interview when she was (only just) still in the Sugababes, so she deserves nothing really.

danzig did say clinical depression though.

Week five for Rihanna, as the White Stripes's early momentum fades come Sunday. They're at two, though, ahead of... Enrique Iglesias, who one must reckon is massively overachieving here. Then comes the sneakily rather decent Kelly Rowland single, with last week's 2-5 (Mutya Takes Each Game As It Comes, Kylie's Scottish Friend, "We even got a secret handshake", "I wish I could free you from the hurt and the pain") each getting punted down three places. Kelly Clarkson previews her Difficult Third Album at number nine, with Hellogoodbye slotting in at ten.

The Holloways shoot up twenty-five spots to number 14, with Marillion and Maximum Parka slotting in just behind. Him off Andrew Lloyd Webber Seeks Boy is number eighteen, with The Fray up 15 to number nineteen. Unsigned sensations (except they're probably signed now) Koopa are The People's Number Twenty-One, with "Do It Again" climbing a massive TWO places to #23. Editors' "Tonight, Matthew, We're Going To Be Snow Patrol" debuts at 30, ahead of an Avwiw double biww - "Girlfriend" #31, "When You're Gone" #32 - and Erasure's cover of "Sunday Girl at 33. The Gossip are #39. More later.

Albums: My dad helps propel the Travelling Wilburys to the top spot, ahead of Bon Jovi and the Police. Go dad! Genesis climb to five, Hank Marvin climbs to six. Rihanna's at number four, which is impressive, because on this evidence she hasn't actually been born yet. QOTSA's Crunch Crunch Thud Thud is #7, The Who are #9. Compilations by Rod Stewart, Van Morrison and John Lennon are at 20, 23 and 33. Joe Cocker climbs to #19. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad had a hand in that one too.

'Umbrella' could beat 'Crazy' for weeks on top, long Summer ahead.

Enrique Iglesias, who one must reckon is massively overachieving here.

his best single by some way tho (fuck a 'Hero'). and there's nothing sneaky about the decentness of 'Like This' - it's bold as, erm, brass. maybe the Pussycat Dolls should've got some of that horn-related action.

'Umbrella' closes in on week six. 'Any Dream Will Do', however, flies up to second spot... having previously been number 1 at around this time in 1991, is a second run on the cards? Hope not. Reekay holds three, Calvo's back up two at the expense of Kelly R and the Stripes. Editors make their way to number seven. Not quite Snow Patrol yet, then. But one day, eh? Beyonshakira and the GCH are at eight and nine, and Clarkuss is number ten.

'Do It Again' finally makes some substantial gain, and is this week's number 12. The Hoosiers bomb in at 16, ahead of Take That and Muse. Timberlachen returns at 21, ahead of Gaz Gates. Jack Penate is at 25, there's back-to-back Fray singles at 27 and 28, Air Traffic 30, Paramore 31, Ash 32, Macca 34, MCR 35, Simon From Blue 36, Fergie 37. 'Acceptable In The 80s' re-enters at 38.

Albums? Stripes atop, Reekay 3, Harris 8, Ghosts 18, Ray Lamontagne 34.

If you can find a way to get excited about all that, then please do...

so Justice miss out on top 40 after entering at 48 last week. i'm surprised Cherry Ghost didn't make it in either.

Are you sitting comfortably? Good.

Rihanna has now managed seven weeks at number one, bringing her level with 'Believe'. Two more weeks and she equals 'Crazy'.

That... ain't quite the story here. cos at number two, we have Kate Nash's "You Are A Tosser Bagsy No Comebacks". Reekay holds onto number three. The Enemy, somehow, are YOUR UK number four, ahead of Lee Haircut, who slips three from last week's #2. At number six (someone will really have to explain this shit to me) it's a ten place climb for The Hoosiers, ahead of an eighteen place leap for Jack Penate. Kelly R slips to 8, The Calvinist slips to 9, Reverend and the Makers climb back to 10. That's 7 UK acts in the top 10 - any idea when that last happened? (Please don't let it be last week...)

Bobbin Fick is new at 11. The Klaxons climb twenty places to number thirteen for some reason. Avwiw Gets Behind The Troops is #17, ahead of Timbaland's "I Know Non-Famous People). Marvellously, the release of Kelly Clarkson's album sees her single plummet ten places to #20. The third single off <I>The Sweet Escape</I> finds itself at #22. Sir Macca climbs eight to 26, Cherry Ghost are young, fresh and crap at 27, Fergie and MCR climb to 28 and 29.

There are then a quite upsetting amount of new entries. Scouting For Girls are #31, Arctic Monkeys are #32, Bon Jovi #33, The Wombats #35, Hadouken! become the first top 40 act to feature someone I went to university with at 36, and Mark Ronson and Lily Allen are #40. For the third week in a row, The Fray's singles are back to back, this week at 38 and 39. In total, there's 19 British singles in the UK top 40 this week, which must be the highest proportion for some time now.

Further triumph in the albums, as Editors face down Kelly C at the top. Shirley Bassey's <I>What Have I Gone And Done Now?</I> is #6, Ryan Adams is at 18, Gareth Gates is 23, Paramore #24, Kelly R #37, Andrea Corr #38. She was never anything without Jim.

"Beggin'" comes out today, so "Umbrella" might be lucky to get an eighth week.

Who's "Beggin" ?

Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons remixed by a French DJ whose name I've temporarily forgotten.

Oh. Sounds unlikely.

is that the pilooski re-edit?! bizarre.

"Beggin'" has probably overtaken "Here (In Your Arms)" and "Throw Some D's" for my single of the year, fwiw.

Pilooski, that's it.

And that's eight weeks of "Umbrella" on top. Kate Nash still does not want to LOOK at your FACE at #2, Avwiw-By-Numbers climbs to 3, Reekay 4, Hoosiers 5, Timbaland climbs 12 to 6, Tashbed crashes in at 7, Fergie In A Hat climbs 20 to 8, Joseph And His Technicolor Perm slips to 9, Kelly R at 10.

Here below below: Lovestoned climbs to 12, Teenagers up to 16, M-Ron and Lallen up 20 to #40. The Enemy fall thirteen places to 17. Munkehs up ten to 22, Gwen down 2 to 24, Bobbert Valentino is a new entry at #25, 'Say It Right' re-enters at 26 (she must have memorialised Diana really well, eh?), Interpol new at 31. For some reason (Diana again?), 'I'll Be Missing You' returns to the chart after ten years at number 32. Alibi Vs Rockefeller #34, Mesh 29 #35. No idea about either of them, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest Mesh 29 might perhaps be a bit rubbish. 'Glamorous' and 'Shine' re-enter at 36 and 37, and, at the 17th time of asking, Britain's Most Held-Down Band, New Young Pony Club, get 'Ice Cream' into the top 40. At 40.

Albums - Chemical Brothers #1, Crowded House #3. Take That's Greatest Hits climbs to 5, Velvet Revolver new at 6, Nelly Furtado climbs 13 to 7. Did she actually resurrect Diana or something? Crikey. Take That's Actual Album is up from 40 to 11, and continuing the post-Di effect, there's re-entries for Lily Allen (15), Elton John (23), James Morrison (25) and The Feeling (34). Bobbin Fick is new at 30, Ash new at 32. I wondered why that was in Morrisons.

i was wondering why the charts were so mental! seriously, bloody diana? people not only watched that but bought songs because of it? what? people are weird.

'lovestoned' = download only apparently. am i correct in thinking that so far 'say it right' is the only download-only single to make the top 10?

Four Seasons only at 73; thought that would have done a lot better.

That Hoosiers track is spectacularly loathsome. It's not _that_ bad, it's just the most box-ticking record I've heard in a long time.

The Radio 2 Music Club is the enemy of the people.

xpost to Marc: Told you it sounded unlikely.

Poor Ash having their "New Morning".

A very similar "New Morning" to Suede's, commercially speaking.

See also "We Love Life".

I like 'The Way I Are' but it's a bit weird that it's this that knocks 'Umbrella' off #1 spot rather than a direct new entry or something even more recent.

Hoo-rye-ay.

Timbaland somehow gets another week at number one, again beating Kate Nash by a NOSE (on his FACE). Then Fergie Sings The Blues and Eh, Eh, Eh, ahead of this week's highest new entry...

Robyn! YAY INTERNETS! "With Every Heartbeat" comes storming in at number five on downloads alone, possibly setting it up to be the third single to keep Knasher off the top spot. Expect massive complaints about Scandinavian bias in pop music to start appearing in The Victoria Newton Column any day now. Reekay stays steady at six, ahead of 2007's Most Talked About New Talent (according to Jo "Sauvignon Blanc" Whiley). Then it's Verse-Chorus-Verse-Jaunt-Jaunt-A-Roo, "Seven'een mumffs, yeah, I feel fine" and, upsettingly, "Hey There Delilah".

Of course, Sean Kingston will come along and wipe all this out in a week or two, but never mind.

Yves LaRock climbs to 13 because the world is a cold, dead place. Dizzee enters at 22, ahead of Hans Zimmer's "Spider Pig", which becomes the second Simpsons Movie-inspired hit at 24. Does "Hey There Delilah" crop up in The Simpsons Movie? I'm fishing for explanations here. The Coral are at 25. Yatesy Winelodge, The Cribs and Coxler (as Popjustice may one day dub them) are new entries from 37 to 39.

Albums... feh. Paul Potts, Amy MacDonald, Newton Faulkner.

I'll do a horrific big thing on the top 40 again this week, cos we have net at home now plus I am PSYCHED.

'Spider Pig' is just 64 seconds long but this week lands at Number 24 to become far and away the briefest track ever to become a UK hit.

Of course, that's if you ignore "Theme from Space Invaders" by Yellow Magic Orchestra!

Bad: Kanye #1
Good: Plain White T's will be at #1 next week

OK, so some things have happened in the charts. Kanye remains at number one next week, holding off Sean Kingston ahead of Queen Of Yr Bandwidth, Timbaland and, amazingly, Gym Class Heroes, racking up a second top ten hit. How that 'appen? Hello There, Delilah head off Hard-Fi, Knasher and Fergwad, with Fiddus and Jusspot at ten. Elvis is at 13 and 19 and 26, Rihanna at 15 and 16.

Stuff that may or may not be completely new: Freaks 21, Kaisers 22, Kanos 24, Foos 28, Linkins 29, Pigeons 30, Maximos 33, KTs 39.

Albums is where it's all 'appening, though! Ignoring Newtface Faulknob getting to number one, RICHARD HAWLEY IS NUMBER SIX! The album isn't stunning at first listen, but it'll get there, regardless of how much denial I have to go through. DAUGHTERIZER gets to 13, one ahead of Darren Hayes' Two-Disc Farfisa Extravaganza Live From The Hull Adelphi or whatever it's called. Hell, even M.I.A. gets through the gates this week at number 39, though, in further Dom-pleasing news, that's five whole places lower than...

...

...

RILO FUCKING KILEY.

No, really.

i figured MIA would only just dent the top 40.

Has Rilo Kiley even done any press over here yet? Or is this just the British love affair with breasts taken to its logical extremes? Maybe MIA should just spend all the street teaming dollars on a set of implants.

lead review in Q / Mojo / Uncut. dunno what that means.

quick, do a "who would u fuk?" poll - Jenny vs. MIA

Is no one else going to mention Craig David's triumphant return to the top 40?

quick, do a "who would u fuk?" poll - Jenny vs. MIA

^^^ this

what the hell is Moby's 'Extreme Ways' doing back at #45 this week? is this Hollyoaks playing silly buggers with their end credits music again?

See, the Elvis "box reissue" thingy is now picking the 'best' singles to repush.

Now, if they'd have done that last time around, they would have got more nmber ones and earned their hero the 'most UK number ones' medal they so desired, over the Beatles. (see, "One Night" being number one twice over counts as ONE in my book)

This time, the list of 'singles getting the treatment' has about 75% great stuff, as opposed to "none past the first four or thereabouts"

It's not a good week.

Sean Kingzzzzzzzzzzzz....ton is number one. PWTs climb to 3. Shut Up + Drive finally cracks the top ten at number five. Freaks climb to 9, All-New Slightly Less Crap But He's Still James Blunt debuts at 10 on the digitals.

"Hound Dog" fills yr Elvis quota at 14, ahead of Kano getting a top 20 hit at 18. Scouting For Girls are number 19. Oh... great.

Tunstall climbs to 21, Broooglyer new at 23, Foo Fighters consolidate the number 28 slot. The Second Reverend And The Makers Single is number 30. Athlete 31, Van Helden 38.

Faulkner still holds the albums. Furries 11, Ringo 26.

Not a good week.

Darn These Beautiful Girls To Heck has a second week at number one. Hi-Ho Silver Delilah leapfrogs Stronger, with Bluntula and Nicola Roberts Featuring Someone Else's Eyelashes close behind. R'anna, 'byn and Fiddus follow, and at number nine... Scouting For Girls. Hooray for London. Timbaland's single, which I'm increasingly unsure ever existed, is your number ten.

Up to 13 are the disappointingly non-Tod Browning influenced Freaks, with this week's Elvis ('Let Me Be Your Teddybear') at 14. Reverend And The Makers' new single has thus far eluded my ears, but it's number 16 anyway.

Pavarotti's death prompts a surge for sales of Nessun Dorma, and it gets to 24. The Editors single may well be new, it's number 27 anyhow. Young Folks has at least its second top 40 appearance at 38, 'How To Save A Life' returns at number 40.

Much activity album-wise, with Hard-Fi claiming the top spot from Army Of Handmade Robots. Plain White Ts get to 3, Athlete are at 5, Seany K is 8, The Proclaimers are number thirteen. For some reason, 'Piper At The Gates Of Dawn has got to number 22. For some other reason, Jamie Scott And The Town are number 24. Ronan's mate Kate Rusby is number 32.

Some reason = 2 or 3 CD rerelease, and the NME pushing it as a lost classic.

(lost being the word in dispute, OK?)

So what b the word about JK and Joel getting the bullet from the chart show, and indeed, the BBC Radio entirely?

And handing it to Fearne Cotton and the bloke who is sooo amusing?

Oh, and the NME are also in some promotion to get "Anarchy in the UK" to number one on it's official re-release, so get downloading you umm followers of the NME I guess...

RIP polyhex chart database ;_;

hopefully people will all chip in and buy them a licence.

Polyhex is gone! Fuck! RIP, you were the best.

site is still there but the Official Chart Company (staffed by just 88 people, fact fans) made them take the search facility down because the data is copyright (they sit on all this data and do nothing useful for the public with it themselves, fewls).

ha, that should be 8 people, not 88

RIP

No: 27 JONNY TRUNK & WISBEY - THE LADIES' BRAS

Hmm, now here's a thing. Scott Mills has been getting people to buy this and get it into the chart. It's an annoying thing. But it's Jonny Trunk, so why not? But it's a DJ exercising his will and strength! what to do?

(well, not actually buy it, naturally._)

Oh yeah, and today is the start of the NME's "Get the Sex Pistols to number one with "Anarchy in the UK" campaign...

Facsimile single available at HMV now EMI own Virgin Records. A similar deal with A&M came to nothing I guess.

And Joy Division is at 46, and Bob Dylan is at 51.

Ton numero uno is Sugababes for a second whole week. For some reason, Ida Corr & Fedde Le Grand are number two - not that it's bad or owt, but... number two? Really? Similarly, Shayne Ward is at 3, Fiddy's 4, then Dullarlurrgh and SUICIDAL and Valurghray. Feist becomes the first artist to be simultaneously number eight in the US and UK since records began, maybe, then there's Luvvurghlay and "You should be ONNID by my late-nizz!"

Stereophonics are number 12. Is there any point saying Elvis is number 15? Manics 22, Mowfwosch 23, P'nartay 27, Mika 29. Aly & AJ are number 33. Is this the point where the cars go SQUEEEE!!! ? And Lethal Bizzle gets himself another hit single after yonks away at 37, and right good it is too.

BROOOOOOCE beats Mellwah to top album. Babyshambles 5, AnnieLennie 7, Dylan 10, Gabrielle 11, Nightwish 25, Bee Gees 35, 30 Seconds To Arse 39.

nice to see the Feist doing so well

"About You Now" is the weakest first single from an album for the Sugababes...I can't believe it's on pace to be their biggest.

otm.

it bench presses 300kg compared to the rest of their new LP :(

The kids love it, I do hear a combination of that Strokes bootmix and the intro to "Can't stand me now" in there too.

I love love love "Denial". The two lamest-titled tracks, "My Love Is Pink" and "3 Spoons of Suga" are both ace too. In fact, the album is pretty good, although "Undigified" is dross and "Back When" puts me to sleep. Overall it's solid, but I miss Mutya as a Sugababe :(

That Lethal Bizzle song is the fucking business! As long as it's not the Enemy remix.

site is still there but the Official Chart Company (staffed by just 8 people, fact fans) made them take the search facility down because the data is copyright (they sit on all this data and do nothing useful for the public with it themselves, fewls).

I had an interview with the OCC to be Chart Operations Manager. I'd've sorted this shit out. Fewls.

So Leona Lewis is the bestselling single of the year already after only 3 weeks. The song is brilliant OTT power ballad, menstruation jokes aside, it is perfect for singing to in the shower. Take That have been behind her at number 2 for 3 weeks counting. Timbaland and Mark Ronson are battling each other yet again for the umpteenth time this year.

The comebacks of Kylie and the Spice Girls are both kind of flopping, landing at #12 and #20, both being outsold by Alicia Keys, who isn't out on physical yet either. Craig David is good again for the first time in years.

Also "About You Now" is nowhere near the Sugas' weakest. The harmonies at the end practically make me orgasmic.

"About You Now" isn't even one of the strongest songs on their new album. If you're into their harmonies, I assume you've heard "Denial"? Miles and miles and miles better.

Do I have to listen to "Heartbroken" 100 times to "get" it, or will I always think it's terrible?