I WANT TO BE A BUMPER WALKER - Eurovision 2009, Semi-Final #1, Tuesday 12th May

so there are 2 semi-finals now, starting on tuesday??.. wow.

the Netherlands' entry is dreadful, i wished we just do the usual thing and send an Afro-Muslim-Dutch girl, so we can always blame our loss on racism.

(maybe there were 2 semi-finals before? somehow i recall only thursday night qualification rounds)

There's been two semis for at least two or three years now, I think. Certainly last year in any case.

In summary:

Croatia - this year's designated stately Balkan iceberg. Kinda pretty, kinda so-so, but obv. going through.
Ireland - female-fronted power pop, their best entry in goodness knows how long; probably on the bubble for actual qualification. They're hardly Vanilla Ninja, but given Ireland's recent history at Eurovision, this will do.
Latvia - cast-iron no-hoper about a bloke in a traffic jam who sees a girl walking over the cars and is all like WO about that.
Serbia - in contrast to a lot of this year's entries, this is the worst Serbian candidate in quite some time; a man who, based on his hair, I'm going to guess is some form of comedian makes grumble about how the women want the money and the such. Would be happy for this to miss out, but probably won't...
Poland - female ballad thing, don't think I actually heard most of it. Sounded alright enough to qualify.
Norway - and this would be your winner. Feller's smile on its own is probably enough to push them through, but the tune is cracking too, and the fiddle break is gold.
Cyprus - one of quite a few entries this year that starts off alright then proceeds to go absolutely nowhere. Singer's voice sounds very lightweight; don't see it making the final.
Slovakia - one of very few duets this year. Consists mainly of the two singers yelling at each other, which is obviously marvellous, but this is probably on the borderline with Ireland.
Denmark - the duller Denmark get, the bettter they do, and as Popjustice pointed out, this dude is basically Ronan Keating in all but name. And face. A likely qualifier.
Slovenia - They've gambled on Europe not minding that the vocals don't start until well over a minute into the song in favour of what sounds like some rather generic violining. One of those that could either go well on the night or just wind up leaving the continent scratching its collective head. Wouldn't back it.
Hungary - sounds like it's gonna be a bit special and then he starts singing, at which point it kind of shifts into adorable crapness. Probable failure, but will be nice while it lasts.
Azerbaijan - they've enlisted the help of Arash, who's popular in at least one European country but I can't remember which. Quite decent, exceedingly professional, dead cert to go through.
Greece - ugh. Second favourite, but it's seriously Greek-entry-by-numbers right down to having Sakis Rouvas do his whole "in association with Gillette" blandness up front. Would like to see it fail, but it won't. They never do.
Lithuania - rambling young piano man, feels like he has several layers to peel away, but suspect that's just cos he never opens his eyes. Ever. Borderline, erring towards no.
Moldova - mighty roaring GAZE UPON OUR COUNTRY AND TREMBLE YE MORTALS number, very hoiking and rambunctious, and probably going through on energy alone.
Ukraine - song that's almost brilliantly bombastic but oh god her voice ugh. Still, there's few countries that go for Eurovision with quite the zeal of the Kiev massive, and it's a certain qualifier.
Estonia - so many violins this evening, and here's some more, and this one's another that doesn't really capitalise on its promising opening. Better than they've been in a while, though; borderline, again, but this time erring towards yes.
The Netherlands - have basically given up now. If the UK were to send Nick Knowles as its entry, this is how it would sound. Not happening.

Er, this is actually the line-up for the second semi-final on Thursday 14th May....

Ah. Piss. So it is. ESCtoday had it listed first for some reason...

Right, I'll get mods to nuke this and start one for ACTUAL first semi-final instead.

Aaaaanyway. Yes, fiddles are indeed Big Big Big at this year's ESC. As are podiums.

On my iPod, I'd probably pick Ireland's Vanilla Ninja/Kelly/Avril confection.

In terms of performance, Ukraine has the spectacle - bare chested hunks, a "hell machine", a drum solo on wheels, lots of "crushed by the wheels of industry" post-industrialism in the staging, fronted by an arrogant witch with a back-street collagen job, yammering on about Sexy Boms. So, what's not to like? But Moldova's plucky little Nelly and her troupe of prancing eejits win it for me on points...

Latvia's song about the bus stop is the one that only I seem to like.

Azerbaijan's is the one that I know I'm supposed to like, but I'm just not feeling it.

The staging of the Greek entry is beyond awful. Sakis is somewhat "on the turn" age-wise, and his galumphing is starting to look a tad ungainly. Lots of thrusting "peek-a-boo" man-cleavage/midriff action, and lots of jumping off podiums on the command "FLY!", which has led to some entertaining pratfalls in rehearsal. There's a section where the podium converts into a conveyor belt, before morphing into a giant sunbed in the final moments.

The Netherlands appear to have Amy Lame dressed as an ice-cream lady, although on closer inspection her ice-cream tray turns out to be a record deck.

Lithuania sounds like it's about to go into "We Are The Champions" on the first verse. This is a bit of a grower, actually.

Poland's rehearsal vocals have been atrocious.

Norway's winsome bloc-straddler (he's Byelorussian by birth, y'see) is so obviously going to walk this semi-final, and probably the whole contest.

As Ed O has been pointing out to me, though, Norway are getting similar kind of hype to what Kate Ryan was getting, and we all remember what happened there - but they'll really gonna have to go some to screw up qualification, certainly in this field. (Belgium also weren't coming off the back of a fifth-place finish the previous year...)

Thing is, though: Kate "Shut That Door" Ryan turned out to be a dull, charisma-free stage performer, while Young Master Rybak has that winning winsomeness off to a tee.

Also the light-tubes thing they did was pretty bilge.

the Dutch one really is shocking

Wait until you see the illuminated suits...

i saw the video on youtube a few weeks back, terrifying

I'd really be surprised to see Holland entering at all next year. They've been limping along horribly in the competition for years now, and this will likely be the fifth time in a row that they've not made the final. How big is Eurovision over there?

If France had to qualify I don't think they'd get thru either. This year they've gone for some bizarre sombre jazz affair.

The UK wouldn't either, to be fair.

xpost: Well, THE big ESC preview event was held in Amsterdam this year: they had 21 of this year's acts performing (although weirdly, NOT De Wallopers), plus an open-topped bus parade through The Hague, if you please. Naturally, I was in attendance: the 2000+ crowd was a good 98% gay male, so perhaps ESC enjoys a more "selective" audience in the Netherlands. They had a text vote and Ukraine won - followed by Spain and Malta.

Patricia Kaas's French entry is class in a glass - it's Barry, it's Brel, it's yer proper old-school chanson, and she delivers it superbly. This is where the re-introduction of the juries (finals only, semis are still all televote) could make things very interesting...

(xp - albeit that this year I think we may nudge the top 10 in a Brian Kennedy-tastic sort of way)

"Our" Jade won the ESC poll on MTV Russia, I'll have you know! I keep revising my predictions upwards; she and Patricia Kaas certainly have the strongest on-stage singing voices.

if 'My Time' actually finishes top 5 i'll be even more baffled than usual and put it all down to that ALW/Putin summit.

I'd really be surprised to see Holland entering at all next year. They've been limping along horribly in the competition for years now, and this will likely be the fifth time in a row that they've not made the final. How big is Eurovision over there?

you could be right. i know the biggest "national" broadcast organisation is not really interested anymore, so now a smaller partner is doing the broadcasts (and i assume also the artists) (this is NOT good for the quality by the way, cause we're talking about schlager-lovers here)

the weirdest thing is, these Toppers guys are HUGE here. so, i imagine if they finished last in their semi-final with 2 points it might be over.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Ukraine's song is the best pop hit since Britney's Toxic. My absolute favorite.
I also like Serbia. My first impression was "lame novelty act", but the song is downright catchy and the accordeon player does some nifty stuff.

I don't get Norway. Lame song, not even sung that well, that seems aimed at the over 70 crowd.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

ALRIGHT CREW

Bill Bailey on accordion there, and the biggest bali bailili triangular guitar I've ever seen

We currently have a trad Russian folk band doing a medley of Eurovision winners, starting off with... "Volare". Yes.

Still, "Ding Dinge Dong"! Can't be fronting on that, eh? They've skipped from that to Dana International, a gap of 23 years... and here's "Believe", being danced to by some bear-suited men, some of whom have fake snow cannons that they're spraying the audience with. Least up-for-it Eurovision audience in history is responding in suitably muted fashion.

OH MAH GOD THEY'RE BACK AGAIN

Jonathan Ross is apparently aware of his resemblance to the male presenter here

WAKE UP PADDY!

he's back in the room! yay!

Think they're leaving the French bits to Natasha this evening, which is advisable.

Paddy O'Connell's microphone is on, at least.

And here comes this year's token Balkan slowie.

aargh the guitar! :)

Ooh, strings. If this were a box of service station chocolates, it would cost at least £6.

Unsure blokey has the voice to carry this, though. Hmm.

didn't know all Croatian chicks were blonde.

Croatia is fluffy sub-Enrique Doubleglasias nonsense - no final placing for them

this was too timid.

xp - aside from the two brunette ones?

Um, dunno. Took way, way too long to hit stride, much too much meandering... you'd think any Croat entry has a better-than-good chance of going through, but I fear this one could well be on seriously wobbly ground.

Ireland's backing music is on too quietly!

xp - aside from the two brunette ones?

1 i thought. anyway real chicks now. or something.

Kate Perry rip-off obviously.

^^^ with a bit of Pink and a dash of Avril

Started off well but I'm bored with it now

Ireland entry is bloody awful.

vocals not good enough to qualify, me thinks.

sounds more like Europe to me.

Ireland's best punt (lol) in a while, actually - key-change almost seemed semi-necessary. Still very on the fence about its qualifying prospects, but... maybe. Maybe.

And now Latvia. Erk.

Latvia not taking contest seriously anymore! (they wanna be the new western Europe?) nice dress!

this is almost like the Wild Beasts. (except for the vodka chorus! weirdness)

aarrggh, the lead singer kills this one by being a prat

I just hate that 'ooh we're rock chicks' thing when quite clearly you're as rock as B*Witched, your rawk guitars are in fact ridiculously tinny and your song is nowhere close to being as good as Avril Lavigne.

Quite like Latvia.

Latvia's Eurovision record isn't as good as you'd necessarily assume... but they're very good at getting out of the semi before doing nowt in the final. That's the best case scenario for this lad, I'm afeared.

that was a mess

His backing singers did their level best to pull him through, and it sounded much better than on record... dunno. Again.

Serbia. Oh dear.

haha wtf

i thought this semi was supposed to improve in quality, so far the other one was a helluva lot better.

So this is the year when the East Europeans make as big a balls up of it as the West...

this is like that Spain/Argentinian comedian from last year or the year before.

Too self-consciously wacky, this lot. Like the office joker in whatever comedy series it was that had him in.

Is the girl on the right going to actually do something?

Didn't she do a comedy falling-down dance a second ago?

like this one (from a dutch tv show)
http://www.jiskefet.net/jiskefet/oboema.jpg

Yeah, Serbia really can't afford to host this anytime soon, can they?

oh i remember Poland from last year haha. American girl. that was so terrible.

surely they can do better now

this needs a Daniel Bedingfield beat

Another horrible one. Don't think I saw the last couple of years but I remember Poland doing something at least semi-good before that.

yeah this is as bad as last year. her boobs might nah whatever.

Mariah Carey still number one in Poland, that's for sure

This woman's voice was not made to sing in English. Big blousy ballads did well in semi 1. But Iceland and Malta were in a much different class and HOLY FUCK THAT KEY CHANGE WAS DREADFUL.

Norway!

if we can't beat Eastern Europe, join em

THE CIRCLE DESCENDS!

Pete Doherty on a good day

Is that LJ?

correction: in another life.

Or in a Beatles wig?

if we can't beat Eastern Europe, join em

Looks like they're more intent on joining us in crapitude

haha thought the same thing snoball xxp

This is supposed to be one of the favourites? Bloody hell...

this is kinda sweet, the violin riff is fun (but this is not going to win)

Oh my god, please stop this.

I wish they'd stop dissing Latvia, too. That was the best so far.

(Which isn't saying much, I guess.)

Best chorus in the competition, plus you can't go wrong with some men kicking some hats off some stands. Also he is kind of pretty. Qualification set in stone for that.

You're interviewing Arlene Phillips? Why?

This is Cyprus now btw.

I'm going to have to buy some wine. Don't think I can get through all this without a drink.

this one is a bit hesistant on the Coldplay/Keane vibe. (guitars)

is she going to stand on that cubicle all song

Wow, her voice really is hella weak. For the first time this contest, I think someone's really been swallowed by the arena. Everything aside from her is working, tho... hmm.

maybe the fragileness of her voice worked. i can see it qualifying.

Slovakia back like they should be, i hate non-entrants. (imagine what Italia aka RAI Uno could send every year)

RUUD VAN NISTELROOY

nah not really.

isn't that Fish from Marillion?

this sucks

Slovakia bringin' that classic mismatched Eurovision m/f duet yelling action!

All the times the crowd has burst into mid-song applause this evening - I have not really understood any of them.

cello player, feck off!

Hope they qualify. That woman's voice shouldn't be out on the streets.

Denmark. 'Yay'.

it's the reserve Irish entry

this guy sounds like he isn't concentrating at all

basically another 00's Ronan Keating song, which could either be a winning move (people want more of the same bobbins), or a total disaster (people are fed up with this kind of thing)

I've never had a picture of a nurse?

Fireworks. 'Yay'.

(xpost) picture of nerd? nurm? WTF?

picture of your turd?

Denmark always does well when it stays safe. Hopefully that bucks the trend, it was baws and a half.

Crikey, that dress of hers. Risky.

And here's the Slovenes...

Modjo!

This is definitely tolerable.

Also, that bloke in the audience's entirely apathetic wave when the camera went past him - tremendous. To look at the audience, you'd think it was the Brit Awards or something.

or alternatively, the screen is removed to reveal that it's Damon Alburn

a singing silhouette is not a good idea, she can't be THAT ugly

Okay, lyrics not really tolerable.

lightbox more like shitebox

her dress is like that Belarus thing from last semi

Tempted to call that brave, but... no, that just really wasn't a very good idea.

I quite liked Hungary. I'm not sure anyone agreed.

Argh. Also, 'your body looks like it'll put up a fight'? Rapey.

Oh, this is doomed, but in the best possible way.

Soooo dooooomed

Hahaha, yeah, this is crappily great.

yeah, this is going to turn up in about ten years on one of those "lol remember these shit Eurovision entries?" programmes

i like the harmony falsetto vocals. that's about all.

haha wow

Oh Hungary. Thank you Hungary. Thank you so much.

And the ending!

"His biography says he likes Justin - I don't think there's any doubt about that" - Paddy right back on form!

Wish I could have voted for that.

Azerbaijan - one of the big contenders this year.

His smile is the stuff of nightmares. Imagine it coming towards you as you lie in bed.

i think this guy is a little bit shy. he can't believe he's so close to this girl :)

I think she's got something in her eye...

he looks like Delbert Wilkin's sidekick

Armenia - Azerbaijan 1-0
(though this is not too bad either)

Arash is actually Swedish, and is pretty damn popular there if I remember right. Some pretty hardcore professionalism going on here, innit? Sure to go through. Even if the lyrics are a bit... limited.

And here's Greece. 'Yay'. Again.

Moody beginnings.

I am going to guess that shirt may come off at some point.

Captain Jack Harkness?

Possibly not intentionally.

dude needs a longer shirt

Oh, his voice is shot about 30 seconds in... And the backing singers aren't faring much better.

TRAVELATOR!

Agh, slidey platform!

Or, uh, travelator, indeed.

choreography!

a lot of the acts have been very athletic, I keep thinking that somebody's going to come a cropper at some point and fall flat on their face

I understand very well why Greece are mentioned among the favourites, but personally I believe this sounds too modern to have a chance of winning. Remember that a lot of people above the age of 50 vote too.

Might I suggest they're not making very good use of the illuminate screens? Looks a bit 24 hour launderette-ish.

E.T goes home

WTF??!!!

Probably safe. The singing stank, but everything else sold it a bit.

Lithuania now...

JANDEK!

Weeeeeeeeeee arrreeee the CHAMPIONS my feeerrreeennd!!!

this guy needs a couple of Ne-Yo dance moves

Tin Pan Alley with a drum machine and R&B influenced vocals.

this needs to go through.

This is... a bit of a mess, isn't it?

PAPA SHANGO!

Fire in his hand!

Pretty poor, though, generally.

Moldova are about to bring the noise...

Chiara again?

I was expecting something a bit bigger to come out of that build-up.

Okay, this is more like it. Am warming to these guys.

They lost their legs towards the end, but yeah, safe.

"That's a way to pass an evening in Manchester, with the telly on, watching some boots."

Albania. It's the stepbrother Daft Punk refuse to acknowledge!

Are those dancers actually dwarves or just very short? I can't quite tell.

I don't know, but her dreams must be very strange.

That dance break had serious echoes of the closing scene of Little Miss Sunshine - there was a certain bloody-mindedness in her eyes... you'd not want to cross her. And so I reckon Albania will be making the big dance on Saturday.

Uck Rhine. Another big favourite in the betting...

XXXP I am pretty sure they aren't dwarves as in the kind of creatures that live in caves underneath the mountains. So, I guess "very short" then... :)

Crikey, this is expensive shit going down here.

bom why do bom the bom lyrics bom have the bom word bom bom bom in bom them?

Ukraine have heard a rumour that Eurovision may be watched by homosexuals.

There's no way this isn't going in.

"I'm you enterprising scum" WTF?

I have not made out any of the words in any of the verses so far but this bit with the drum kit just rendered all that completely irrelevant. Breezing through.

Estonia bring it home!

Except no they don't because Holland are after them. WHoops.

too dull, needed something to lift it halfway through

This is okay. Definitely better than some of the whinging ballads.

Think the Eesties might have been a touch too classy for their own good, especially after Ukraine...

But here's the Netherlands, definitely rounding things out.

Oh Jesus Christ noooooooooooo.

bluergh, first time I've hit the mute button all evening

"Love will make us glow in the dark"??

Those gloves... have they all suffered identical hand injuries?

That is the worst arse-bumping I have ever seen.

NL will not be in the final this year either. And this time they don't deserve to be there.

This isn't even very funny.

Youtube doesn't have video of Father Dick Byrne's "The Miracle is Mine" from Father Ted, but holy fuck did that ever foreshadow this.

The majority of those semi final entries that never made it to the Norwegian preselection final were better than this.

"big round of applause!"

The Dutch outfits just got merked by the hosts.

Oh god, the button.

argh this magic button bollocks again

"no wonder they're bankrupt" - good start Gra, good start...

Predictions:

Ireland
Moldova
Ukraine
Azerbaijan
Greece
Albania
Cyprus
Norway
Estonia
Slovakia

But I'm really not at all confident about that. This could basically go anywhere. But probably not to Hungary.

Poor Latvia. ;_ ;

"Andrew Lloyd Webber thinks Turkey could be a contender."

"I think Andrew's a perv."

OK, after that interview, I'm actually thinking Norton's gonna do a good job of this.

recap - I've forgotten how half of these sound already

Ooh, I'd not seen the Greek box rising up before. That really is quite impressive. And quality balancing from Sakis too, credit him for that.

William Bloody, ya so easily excitable, yo!

Well, y'know, hydraulics, and illumination, and being a fucking travelator all at the same time - that's some engineering, y'ken?

Okeh, engineerically speakenin' - ya gotta point, sir.

France sounds like the theme from Tales of the Unexpected

Azeris through, no shocks there.

Hrvatski, uhuh

Croatia shouldn't be going through. Pah.

Ukraine no surprise at all.

And the Croats, which isn't much of a surprise either though I didn't actually pick them so erm.

And Ukraine, very much not a shock.

OK, Lithuania - did not see that one happening at all. Not traditionally a nation that gets the rub in Eurovision either. They've only made it out the semis once before...

And Albania! Again, not traditional favourites...

Both rubbish, too.

Haha oops will all Norwegian media have to revive conspiracy blabber again?

Moldova and urrrrgh Denmark urrrrgh and there's three slots left.

Estonia - their first time ever making it from the semis, having bombed hard in the previous six.

Or five.

t**t jumping up & down on sofa! :p

Norway! Thank fuck for that.

So then, a big name is gonna go...

somebody just unplugged the TV aerial here...

anatol doing same! :D

(not v big fan of song though)

Greece get the last slot.

Disappointing choices there, Europe.

this looks ropey on iPlayer...

Sounds too, probbly.

*not jumpin' on da sofa so fa'*
BTW

5 out of 5 = BIG NORDIC VOTING BLOC wahey.

Checking out the 4 autoquals now... Spain is right in the middle of correctness; Andy LW will be sorely sorely disappointed bcz Not Any Good at All; liking how Germany try to be leaders rather than followers with schaffely kompakt aesthetics popped & Call&Responseded up (but prob won't work bcz in 2009 it's all about Eastern countries doing Timbaland 2001 beat vacui, ie reappropriating the reappropriated); France I have read good things about -- ok after a couple minutes the insistent piano riff becomes insistent... but I don't hear enough of an actual song, sorry.

vacua, not vacui. Sry agane.

*coughs discreetly*
http://is.gd/zWy2

Haw. Still it reeks of arm's length.

Am now watching the re-run on Beeb Three... gosh, the opening number really did go down rather crappily, didn't it? Also liked how it was a montage of Eurovision winners that a) started with a song that finished third at Eurovision, and b) included no Irish entries whatsoever.

Final running order:

1. Lithuania
2. Israel
3. France
4. Sweden
5. Croatia
6. Portugal
7. Iceland
8. Greece
9. Armenia
10. Russia
11. Azerbaijan
12. Bosnia & Herzegovina
13. Moldova
14. Malta
15. Estonia
16. Denmark
17. Germany
18. Turkey
19. Albania
20. Norway
21. Ukraine
22. Romania
23. United Kingdom
24. Finland
25. Spain

First impression - that's turned out rather well for Sweden, hasn't it? Not quite so good for Iceland, or Armenia, or Albania. And Norway-Ukraine back to back - cripes...

God, this Croatian one really is balls. (I have other things I should be attending to but-cannot-pull-away)

Some buzz-killing sequencing at the start of the draw: that's four ballads out of the first five songs.

Portugal ain't exactly picking up the tempo, either, and neither do Iceland - oh God, this could be playing right into Greece's hands. Chiara, on the other hand, gets to follow Moldova, and so she gets thrown into even sharper relief...

xpost after "arm's length" post:
ESC is apparently so Not Done (like porn) it's in the language of someone reporting jocularly on someone else's earnest report on something. Always twice removed from the action. Like European lolreports on baseball culture, or US lolreports on soccer culture.

Difference here is W Euro are complaining abt E Europe etc doing well, even in spite of the very plain fact of E European countries having the clearly best songs for many years almost without exception, while "we" think that talking down to the viewers + slinging shit abt countries we haven't heard of will win the day.

In Iron Curtain days, competitive song festivals were Big Things in E Europe! The glut of winners east of Rome is because we let the Big Teams in!

Um sorry Mike, this went a bit further than your link warranted. But this bugs me. A turkey made of cloth, air stewardesses with sub-Viz jokes, and the W Euros dare complain about the outcomes? I am livid! Absolutely livid! :D :? :/ :D

(That Bilan dude was shit though, I'll give anyone that.)

it's in the language of someone reporting jocularly on someone else's earnest report on something

Blimey. All I can say is that it wasn't my intention, at all. As a long-standing ESC fan who has attended five finals in person, I was hoping that some of the genuine affection that I feel for the contest would seep through the jocularity. Well, perhaps it didn't. But "arm's length"? No, can't accept that.

5 out of 5 = BIG NORDIC VOTING BLOC wahey.

yeah Scandinavia doing awesome there! (can they finish it off with a win, has to be Norway i guess, maybe Iceland)

mike I am very sorry, for being a d1ck yes, but no less for being a mor0n. I actually didn't "get" your discreet cough, and saw your post as just a link to some random ESC article. Scanned a couple of paras, saw mentions of Balkan bombast, voting system etc and found it a good enough reason to launch a small rant on a pet peeve.

Ie I never actually read it properly, will do before final on Sat. From years of these threads, I know you are 4 realz dude! Many apologies.

Aww, glad we can be friends again. Big Hug!

bump