my intergluteal cleft is bleeding: fistulas, hemorrhoids, other butt stuff

commonly known as the "butt crack" (US) or "bum crack" (UK)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intergluteal_cleft

I have no idea wtf is going on but it's just like spotting blood, possibly a result of sitting too much as my desk job or maybe a fistula as my GP theorized?!?! There is very mild pain but like a 1 on the pain scale, just enough to notice.

Anyway my doc told me that if it didn't stop in a few weeks I should get it looked at, so I am now awaiting an appointment, more exciting developments to follow!

TMI side note, for a while I was trying this:
https://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/jdoddo/butthole_sunning_feel_the_beneficial_power_of_the/

I’m very confused.

Surely the crack isn’t bleeding. Or is there a wound in it that is bleeding? A fistula would be pretty obvious. There would be an opening. Have you not um explored to find the source? I would have been spread eagle with a mirror between my cheeks the second I saw blood.

This could bleed but usually they’re extremely painful

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pilonidal-cyst/symptoms-causes/syc-20376329

Am rewatching House. I want to get to the bottom of this!

Anyone who makes a joke about “bottom” is immediately flagged. Don’t.

lol tyvm

I have tried a mirror but it is extremely difficult to see anything!

and yes the blood seems to be coming from BOTH the sides (spottier) and a specific single point at the "intergluteal crack" (words I just learned today)

I nearly died (according to the doctor who scolded me for not going to them sooner) from a wider infection that started as a deep but smaller perianal abscess. If the pain increases and you get a fever, please see a doctor.

oh you bet, I already talked to a triage nurse today

sitting too much at the desk a strong contender for culprit imo

yep I switched chairs and it seemed to help but I think I need more drastic measures like

https://www.upliftdesk.com/content/img/product-tabs/kneeling-stool-product-tab-1.jpg

also I feel like this thread needs more butt-sunning content

Sunning light on your butthole is a viral joke that has some science behind it

it is really quite pleasant!

back in the 2010s sometime my ass, before 2016 for sure, my ass started bleeding

i was very concerned and went to the er

they did a test and they were just like, oh no worries you just got hemorrhoids, here's a mimeographed pamphlet telling you to stop getting fucked up the ass so much

i was like "thanks but i don't get fucked up the ass or have any interest in getting fucked up the ass?"

so anyway i started getting fucked up the ass and i'm more or less better now. mostly it's a dietary thing i think, i wasn't eating enough fiber, so i started eating a shit-ton of fiber and my ass quit bleeding. which worked ok except that lately i've gone gluten free on the off-chance it was gluten that was causing my explosive diarrhea. my shit doesn't have the bulk and doesn't come out as easily as it did when i ate shit-tons of fiber, but i haven't had any ass bleeding yet, even though i've also taken a break from getting fucked up the ass lately

they also had me take some stool samples, so i spent one morning a couple weeks ago spooning liquid shit into a couple of different vials. i double-bagged them and stored them at room temperature but i didn't get back to the lab immediately. my girlfriend moved them because she wanted to cook or something so i had to call her one morning and ask "sweetie, where's my shit", and then explain to her that i was looking for my literal feces.

anyway the thing is if it's bright red, it's probably closer to the surface, if it's dark red it's more likely to be occult and to be more of a problem. mine was bright red, it was hemorrhoids or something real close to the surface

basically the thing you should take away from all this is that if you post in "I love TMI", i _will_ crank the TMI to eleventy-billion.

and also that even though it's kind of scary when you start bleeding out of your butt-crack, in all likelihood you'll be just fine. and that you should either stop or start getting fucked up the ass, depending. is it "ass-fuck a cold, stop ass-fucking a fever", or is it "ass-fuck a fever, stop ass-fucking a cold"? i can never remember.

oh and to be clear i'm not taking a break from getting fucked up the ass for dietary reasons, i'm just too depressed. on top of that there's a chronic top shortage around here. which, speaking as a switch, i get, because all anybody wants me to do is fucking top all the time, i'm kind of on strike from topping until i get a chance to bottom every once in a while

lololol ty Kate

the blood has been very bright red since it started, hence my relative slowness in actually getting a followup appointment. also it comes and goes, I think it's healed up and then I forget and rub some TP there and it starts again.

I like anal play and think it can be beneficial health-wise but holy shit when the GP stuck his finger up there to check (with no foreplay or lubrication, what a boor), it hurt like a mofo, something is up

the blood has been very bright red since it started, hence my relative slowness in actually getting a followup appointment. also it comes and goes, I think it's healed up and then I forget and rub some TP there and it starts again.

I like anal play and think it can be beneficial health-wise but holy shit when the GP stuck his finger up there to check (with no foreplay or lubrication, what a boor), it hurt like a mofo, something is up

― out-of-print LaserDisc edition (sleeve)

yeah the thing is it's like an abrasion, right? and when you're pushing shit past it or rubbing toilet paper or whatever up there it's likely to bust it open again. prep h does help with the healing, i think, or if not at least it soothes. i mean go to see a doctor for sure but i wouldn't be surprised if it turns out to be hemorrhoids.

also for real with, like, clinical contexts i don't want foreplay, it would make the vibe all weird, but for god's sake why wouldn't you use lube, hell, i even use lube when i boof my prog (oh and _please_ feel free to ask me about "boofing" because i _will_ tell you at length about it) just because, you know, why not? i keep it around. a lot of people say it's just fine with water and i'm sure it is but a little dab of lube makes the medicine, wait, that's not how that song goes, is it?

i was, actually, when you talk to psych people they ask various polite versions of the "so, what's keeping you alive?" question, and my go-to answers are "harm reduction" and "spite", but i will say, one of the things i really enjoy is that i get older it becomes increasingly common to just start talking at length about one's personal medical experiences. and god i don't always look forward to a lot of things but i _really_ look forward to being an old lady in a nursing home and just constantly telling anybody within earshot about my vulvoplasty. that's kind of outside normal social boundaries for me right now.

was joking re: foreplay but some lube woulda been nice!

intergluteal cleft
eyeing little girls with bad intent

EMERGENCY EYEWASH STATION

song titled 'fistula' obviously

I have experienced bleeding similar to what Kate described for a while, the things that have helped the most are getting lots of fiber (I take fiber pills) and hemorrhoid suppositories if things get particularly bad.

appointment tomorrow afternoon, all signs point to a very small fistula

I missed this when you first posted it and I have no fun 'fucked in the ass' stories to share, but I will say those chairs with the kneepads are surprisingly comfortable to use (no idea if they're actually good for you or if it was just a weird fad).

every time I pass blood I think well this it then, I'm completely fucked now - need to change my ways. Then a few weeks later I completely forget about it and carry on. It's so rough living in an aging body sometimes. Anything like dizzy spells, shitting blood, migraines - I start thinking I'm about about to die when it happens these days.

But as the primary carer for one young adult autist who needs constant 1 to 1 to keep him on his baseline and one middle aged adult with dementia and MS = I'm not allowed to be ill or to die, so I think I'll be ok!

GP theorizes fistula, appointment with surgery specialist is in the active referral stage and I will bump it tomorrow, started 10 days of antibiotics today

Hoping that all this treatment is effective and all the bleeding can cease!

glad that's "all" it is, sleeve.

so yeah it is two "very small" fistulas that are probably connected below the skin. no cause/prevention at all, totally random thing.

I have day surgery scheduled in 9 days, the doctor gave me this fancy prescription-strength Desitin type ointment in the meantime.

he wanted to do the surgery and I quote "flay it out" (aieee) or it would "continue to fester" (AIEEEE), but said the ointment might take care of it before my appointment?

in conclusion, (shrug emoji)

dude was a totally old school doctor and my old school nurse wife was like "fester", yeah there's an old school doctor term

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/11/Jackie_Coogan_as_Uncle_Fester_%28The_Addams_Family%2C_1966%29.jpg

yikes, this post-op guide for rectal surgery looks a little more intense than I was anticipating.

going under the knife tomorrow afternoon at 3 PM.

best of luck, sleeve.

thx dude

pretty sure "rectal surgery" is one of the least wanted two-word combos, lol

"no, that's the name of my death metal side project"

hope it goes well sleeve. i've been living with a complex perianal fistula since i was 17 so i feel your pain. luckily it sounds like your doctor knows what's what, and "very small" sounds like good news. stay strong friend!

TYVM <3

Good luck, sleeve - that seems like a tough thing to go through.

I have known at least 2 male friends who’ve had surgery due to badly infected ingrown hairs in the butt crack.

[more aqualung lyrics deleted]

sleeve I am in a similar boat right now but hoping it won't require surgery (sitting in vans on long drives for 25 years, who might have guessed), have been having lifetime top tier pain experiences all week and now I'm home and I'm gonna have to go direct to urgent care tomorrow with my fingers crossed, I send you strength

days went by when you and i
bathed in eternal summer's glow
as far away and distant
our asscrack cleft did grow

oh the sweet refrain
aloe vera calms the pain
oh ilx remains
sleeping now to rise again

OH THE MIGHTY ARMS OF RAGGETT HOLD THE HEAVENS FROM THE BOARD

all the best sleeve and joan crawford and anyone else in need of it ❤️

surgery went well, I am home now with surprisingly minimal pain

hoping for a speedy and full recovery, sleeve.

glad to hear it went well!

Excellent news, sleeve!

kick ass! (not literally)

it did actually feel like somebody had kicked me in the ass! like, that kind of pain, not sharp.

jeez you guys!

great to hear it went smoothly sleeve.

joan crawf please give us an update on your ass when you get a chance.

kate i do want to know about "boofing" please spill.

"so anyway i started getting fucked up the ass and i'm more or less better now" new board description obv

so yeah, thanks Tracer -- and congrats sleeve! update is, there was so much wrong w/my keister, I did a 4 hour train ride on the heels of a plane ride, and the seat on the train sucked I could tell the second I sat down it was gonna be trouble but I didn't know it was the level-up seat, and I guess alll this was the perfect storm to aggravate already-present internal problems and complicate them with giant weeping welts on my inner cheeks, for lack of a less poetic way of putting it. my condition got super bad on day 2 of a 6 day out-of-town-on-biz jaunt, and as soon as it got bad...I had to fly coast to coast early a.m. that really kicked everything into overdrive, resulting in a west coast hotel room pain peak, really incredible. I'm fortunate in that I can get a doctor to come to me if need be so I did, and got stuff that helped a little, but he's a GP and could really only help in the very emergent sense. once home, I got straight to urgent care & got antibiotics & lotions & powders & a consult number for probable surgery. doctors don't really grasp that when I say "I have to schedule all this around work because work doesn't wait and there are people depending on me," I really mean it, but I'm home long enough now that if I can get a consult booked tomorrow & then under the scalpel quick enough I might be able to pull it off and hit the road month after next in better shape. probably still using the donut pillow wherever I go either way but yeesh. feeling about 80% now with the help of the antibiotics, I'm no longer crying out in pain from the bathroom and my cowboy walk is barely noticeable.

omg my dude

I am basically fine now, stiff and sore back there but have accomplished the post-op pee and poo milestones, also only took two oxycodones on the day of surgery and then tylenol/ibuprofen which I consider a victory

so sorry to hear of yr experience, and yes when I flew east in June I immediately put my neck pillow under my butt, it saved my ass (literally)

jeez JCLC, get better soon please!

sleeve, glad you’re doing well. did you actually get a diagnosis? pilonidal cyst?

it was an anal fistula, ty for asking!

I am on lifting-weight limits for 2 weeks and then a followup

Raise Your Skinny Fistulae Like Antennas to Heaven

JCLC hoping you start to get some relief soon. nothing's worse than feeling pain during the one activity (sitting) that nobody can avoid.

just to update y'all, because the situation was both an infection & my usually "it's fucked up back there" problems, I'm feeling MUCH better -- the general inflammation that had basically expanded to the buttocks & perineum is being treated by antibiotics & responding well, and I'm trying to book surgery for the rest, although my schedule doesn't really allow me to accept extended periods of bedrest so we'll see.

support on this thread meant a fuckin lot over the past few days, btw, thanks v much to y'all!

fuck that sounds to have been miserable and good to hear its easing

glad things have improved. is there a diagnosis for this madness yet?

fissure & 'roids that I've had forever, aggravated by extended sedentary time on trains & planes, added cellulitis, that was what really mangled the whole area

ow ow ow

much empathy, JCLC. sounds punishing

to the thread topic, I swear I’d mentioned this here before, but nearly 15 years ago (!!) I had a peri-anal abscess. I notice a weird swelling that isn’t painful, go to the walk-in clinic the next day, they give me antibiotics and set up a consult for Monday

I go into the surgeon’s office. I presume he’s a lower digestive doc, but I think of him as the ass doctor. He is very curt but professional, says we need to drain it, and explains it’s probably a clogged anal gland (am I a dog? I have these things?! wtf!) and before I have time to really consider what’s going on, I’m sideways on one of those reclining medical chairs, he’s injected a numbing agent into my rear area (stabbing my area!!) and then moments later is using a scalpel. It feels like a mild tugging but he’s also pushing, and unexpectedly it’s some terrible viral content (man has how much fluid in this swollen area? let’s find out!).

it’s a bad scene. I’m mildly traumatized, and he gives me a 50/50 it heals up on its own, but I later realize this is optimistic. I go about my life, it heals over, doesn’t heal over, etc.
no blood, but it’s a “channel” and is just kind of… moist? on the surface. I only realize it’s not healed while on vacation. There’s also other life drama going on, which is tangential, but I am finally coming to terms with the fact I need to call the office while I’m on vacation

so long story short I had surgery and they made me… a bigger asshole!

sorry. it was close enough to the orifice they just lay it open and let it heal that way. everything goes fine, I make one call to the office while healing to make sure I didn’t tear out stitches (there were none) and apparently I had some minor other business in the area (healed fissure, maybe hemorrhoids) that he just cleaned up because sure, why not

I feel for people with crohns because this is ongoing nonsense to deal with. I was lucky, everything is normal, and I am only a huge asshole in the social way and not physically

"Wonder what a chair thinks about all day . . . well, here comes another asshole."

(sleeve) is a 57-year-old white male who is done well from his
posterior anal fistulotomy and hemorrhoidectomy. The seropurulent
drainage that plagued him prior to the surgery and perianal pain has
resolved completely. Physical examination today reveals complete
healing of his posterior fistulotomy wound. At this point time I will see
the patient back on a as needed basis.

that's what she said

congrats sleeve!

lol mookie,

Congrats on as needed bum!

My bum is also on an “as needed” basis currently fwiw

congrats on the good news, sleeve.

Great news!

this seems to be returning, doubt I can get a doc appt before January but I need to get another checkup

Oh no :(

I need to be taking more sitz baths, that's the thing that really seems to help, but they are somewhat time-consuming (20+ minutes)

Sorry to hear this, sleeve. Hope you can get checked out soon.

sleeve this sucks, hope it can be healed properly ASAP xx

Those medicos have to get to the bottom of this.

Ugh, ENBB made that joke eons ago.

lol it's OK, plenty more where that came from!

Sitz baths can be really annoying (esp if you have back problems too like me) but they're really important if you're experiencing inflammation. A shower can also work in a pinch if your shower allows for the right angle, though sitz baths are better IME. Hope you're able to get an appointment soon!

getting an adjustable standing desk has helped a lot for me, for both my fistula and my back

yeah I think I need to do something about my work/chair/desk situation, I love my current desk but a different chair might help

Standing desks are great.

This morning I got to observe a fistula repair, a hemorrhoidectomy, and the beginning of a bowel resection done by a robot. It was AWESOME.

Those poor patients though. The surgeon told me in the US the hemorrhoidectomy guy would have been sent home with Vicodin whereas here they only give Tylenol. The thing that gets me with surgery is how brutal and rough it is at times. Also - the patient screamed under anaesthesia. Well, yelped. Didn't expect that.

wow!!

I am still trying to heal mine up completely and taking lots of sitz baths, but it's probably time to get the doc to take another look

Yeah one of the surgeons was saying that the healing time is pretty long for a lot of these surgeries. Things I was surprised to find out - butt surgery is done in stirrups! It makes sense but I didn't know that. Also didn't know they make butt speculums but lo and behold.

lol, that is all excellent info, thx

I've been waiting for an update on this.

i've been shitting blood for like a week now. getting pretty tired of it to be honest.

the first time i started shitting blood i was very concerned and went to the hospital. they said it was normal and gave me a pamphlet telling me to stop doing so much anal. me and my then-wife laughed. why would i ever want to do something like that? i remember that mostly as an example of how ridiculously close-minded i was back then. i don't do anal now but mostly because i find it as "meh" as most other forms of sex. i did _not_ enjoy the prostate orgasm i had at _all_.

anyway the blood is bright red, so i'm not terribly worried about it. i had a big poop and i ripped my asshole open. what the hell am i supposed to do, take a popper every time i need to take a shit? that sounds like fun, and therefore i refuse to do it on principle.

it does remind me that one of the things i have on my desk is a sterile package containing a box. i'm supposed to shit in the box and mail it back to the hospital, where they'll test it for colon cancer. there are a bunch of things i'm supposed to be tested for. i'm trying to manage my multiple health conditions and be regularly evaluated for serious health conditions i _might_ wind up having while still trying to work a full-time job. it's completely possible that i might have colon cancer and that if i shat in a box and mailed it to the hospital _right now_ i might be able to be successfully treated for it. i really don't, if you'll pardon the pun, give a shit. also, like i said, i'm regularly shitting blood due to my hemorrhoids, so i doubt that they'll be able to do a successful fecal culture based on any sample i provide today.

how am i supposed to even shit in a box, anyway? the most confusing thing about having my dick cut off is when they ask me to pee in a cup. peeing in a cup was easy when i had a dick. i was actually always really bad at aiming, even compared to your typical sober man, but that was largely a matter of distance. i have zero distance vision whatsoever, which meant that i aimed about as well as a guy who was three sheets to the wind even when i was stone cold sober. on top of that there was the BPH. i was peeing sitting down for years before i came out as trans for what are, i swear to you, entirely cisgender reasons. unlike some women, i get no gender euphoria whatsoever from sitting down to pee. i do kind of wish i could still pee standing up - i always kinda liked it. because of the BPH, though, there was the dribble.

it really is a shame i'm not into anal. i have a hell of a great prostate. one of my friends got this new form of bottom surgery. she don't have a full vaginal canal, but she's got kind of a tunnel so that it's possible to hit her prostate from the front. they didn't have that when i got my surgery. i'm a little bit jealous, but only until i remember that oh yeah, i don't really enjoy prostate orgasms.

where was i? oh, peeing in a cup. i mean i could get my dick pretty close to the cup. if i remember right, you're not supposed to stick your dick actually in the cup - it could contaminate the sample. the first time i was supposed to pee in a cup it went fine, actually, it was easier than i thought it would be. the second time, though, it just baffled me. i've only had to do it twice. maybe i was just having a bad day the second time.

i was reading something about the speech patterns of "okama", which is an old-time slur used for certain types of effeminate gay bottoms in japan, roughly equivalent to the f-slur. what the thing i read said is that the speech patterns combined the more formal and reserved speech typically used by women in japan with frank and blunt discussion of topics "dignified" women would never discuss. the example given was an "okama" discussing diarrhea using more formal speech patterns typically associated with women. i find that really relatable. it speaks really strongly to my experience as a trans woman.

sorry to hear about the bleeding kate - really hope the doctors can get to the (er) bottom of it!

coincidence that this thread got bumped bc I've been having some inflammation of my surgery site and I'm back on flagyl and cipro this week

gl crut

mine has finally healed I think? don't wanna jinx it lol. but for the last couple months I have been doing this ridiculous primate squat/hand-bidet thing anytime I felt anything at all, just a quick rinse/soap/rinse over a towel, sometimes several times a day. I think it worked!

also, like i said, i'm regularly shitting blood due to my hemorrhoids, so i doubt that they'll be able to do a successful fecal culture based on any sample i provide today.

they will be able to do a successful culture with blood -- please follow through on this. colon cancer is very preventable if caught early.

they will be able to do a successful culture with blood -- please follow through on this. colon cancer is very preventable if caught early.

― J Edgar Noothgrush (Joan Crawford Loves Chachi)

good to know, i'll put the box in the restroom so i don't forget

i called the nurse advice line but they were useless, they're mandated to say "go to the er", i guess cuz there's a chance it'll bleed out into the peritoneum or something. i mean, that's not clinical advice, that's what their lawyers told them to say to avoid malpractice lawsuits. every time i ask a medical provider about anything all they say is "go to the er". this is why i don't bother talking to professionals most of the time. none of them are gonna tell me that they can do a successful culture with blood, it's just "go to the er". i spend an hour on hold and that's what i get for it. i know i sound like a boomer but i got ass bleed like a boomer so i feel like i got the right.

idk what i gotta do so that my rectum heals up, every time i poop it exacerbates things. i should probably follow some diet or another but i don't know which. apparently i should go to the ER so they can give me a handout. because that's efficient healthcare.

shitting blood for like a week now. getting pretty tired of it to be honest

New board description, pls :)

Every month or so, I’m woken up by a dull, increasing butt pain, just inside the anus, like a ball of painpoo is just increasing and increasing. Lasts for two hours and is panic-worthy levels of pain at its peak. Then it recedes, and I forget about it, and forget to mention it to my doctor. A phantom ass visitor! Wonder what it is

so I have received treatment from a proctologist in the past year because last summer I experienced the most intense pain I have ever experienced after 1) taking a train from NY to Boston for a gig & falling asleep on the hard train seat, and then 2) flying direct to Seattle the next day. by the time I got to Seattle I could barely function -- I got some care from a non-specialist that allowed me to do my work (which, bragging, I fuckin did, nobody even knew I was hurting) and when I came home I consult a private proctologist. I have received care for this stuff in the past from generalists, a lidocaine-plus cream that you insert about 1/4-1/2" and if you're faithful about it helps, but the proctologist gives you regular injections that give immediate relief and, over time, do a lot of good (although a few international flights & time in vans/buses will aggravate it anew, as I've re-learned just this week in fact!). I am fortunate to have two good jobs that let me pay the proctologist, most insurance will want you to wait for a reg. appt. If you can in some way raise the scratch to consult specifically a private proctologist, that is what worked for me. diltiazem 2% gel is the one the proctologist gave me that helped a lot when used 2x/day, there's another one that I kinda prefer that the generalist gave me but I can't find the bottle to tell you what it is.

tl;dr do what you have to to see a specialist. in the meantime take psyllium husk capsules, they're cheap from amazon and I take 9 a day to soften the stool, and do the squatty potty thing -- if you can't afford to buy the actual thing, put a cardboard box under your feet when you sit on the toilet so you're squatting when you poop, this plus the psyllium husk will make for MUCH less painful BMs.

I am not a doctor I'm just sharing my experience but I will say I have lived in vans for 20 years and have a lot of experience. much love and hope

for fuck's sake, man

I have another doctor followup booked two weeks from now. basically it's as bad as it was before, except I spent $5K out of pocket last year for what was apparently an ineffective surgery.

I notice the lack of cushions or soft seating everywhere I go now

aw man, I'm so sorry sleeve :(

man I am soooo sorry. I have been struggling too. it is a constant battle.

my fistula has been opened, flayed, and cleaned out completely. the local hasn't worn off yet, I have like 4 more hours.

lol I love how they use tape to spread out yr buttcheeks for the operation, it was pretty cool doing it as a day surgery/local anesthetic procedure, except damn those needles hurt right there

post-op care is two sitz baths a day minimum, not much else other than stool softener if needed. no weight limits or anything. we'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow! so far so good.

they basically made a 1/2 inch cut right down to my actual anus, and just scraped the hell out of it. there was also some kind of "receptacle spoon" that they put into my butt directly?

reminder: u can hide ILTMI from SNA in yr preferences ;)

i'm glad for your sharing this stuff, i got tons of TMI stuff to talk about including my intergluteal cleft, i feel like i'm not going to do that right now but it's good to have a space for it.

yr welcome. I feel fine today! no pain to speak of.

both of my fistulotomies have been on general anesthesia - i didn't realize local anesthesia was an option! hope your recovery goes well sleeve

ty crut

I think in this case it was small and shallow, so the doc was open to trying the local. he did give me the same "this might still come back" warning.

I saw blood in my stools and made a parallel with a slight upper abdomen pain that has been bugging me on my right side for the past few weeks. I was running scenarios about my incoming death until I remembered I have started drinking beetroot juice for potassium recently, and hopefully that should be the simple explanation.

I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy Tuesday. I've been taking fiber caplets and taking four scoops of Miralax a day. I'm still constipated. I still got bright red blood, increasing quantities, with my stool. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I got the colonoscopy scheduled, they're gonna find what they're gonna find. I'm not actively suicidal, but I admit that I've been passively suicidal for, well, basically my entire life. It's something I've been struggling with. It's not just that I'm overwhelmed. I have a hard time taking care of myself because there's part of me that really wants to suffer and die. If I was still with my ex-wife, well, she would've made sure I had a colonoscopy in January, but I left her a couple years ago. I had good reasons to do that. I don't regret it. And I don't take care of myself as well as she took care of me.

Well. I am getting the colonoscopy at least. It's probably fine. I mean, either I'm lucky, and this helps reinforce that I need to take care of myself my intergluteal cleft is bleeding, or I'm not. Plus, I mean, I went to the ER and they stuck a finger up my ass and said "It seems fine" and I held my tongue and didn't say "I'm glad you acknowledge that my ass is fine", and I went to the GI doctor (do "procotologists" still exist? Are they only for more serious issues?) and they said I should get a colonoscopy. Doctors don't seem super concerned about my symptoms when I tell the doctors what my symptoms are. And also I do have a tendency to... overly worry about my physical health. I'm not gonna say "hypochondria". But I worry a lot about my physical health, and then when I get it checked out, it's fine. Because part of me wants it to not be fine, you know? Because then I'd have a somatic reason to feel like shit.

I am now pronounced officially and completely healed by my doctor!!

still a bit of itching and he told me to use the barrier cream (Calmoseptine) for that

what a ride (knocks on wooden desk)

hell yeah, congrats sleeve!

ty, hope you are doing well w/ all of that also

Colonoscopy went fine. The prep wasn't that bad except that when I don't eat I get incredibly depressed. So I was totally weepy and morose the whole time preparing, and I went in and I'm fine. Also the whole concept of "clear liquids" is incredibly confusing to me... they didn't really explain it terribly well. So for instance black coffee and soda pop are considered "clear liquids". So is "Ensure Clear", even if it's not actually "clear", unless it's red or purple, then it's not considered "clear". Even if it says "clear" on the bottle. It turns out you're not supposed to drink red or purple stuff because that stuff could stain my intestine, and if they're looking for blood, they're not gonna be able to tell if there's purple dye all over it.

As for the four scoops of Miralax, it took four days, but finally my stool got soft and I stopped bleeding. Probably would've gone quicker if I was drinking more water, tho.

Anyway I got some very nice pictures of my large intestine and anus. It cleans up real nice, I gotta say. I don't know. I just like my body now, I guess including the inside bits that people don't usually think of as "attractive". They found some hemorrhoids, not bleeding. I've decided that I'm just not drinking as much water as I think I was, and I need to drink more water. They also found a couple polyps that they're gonna biopsy. They didn't seem too concerned. I looked up polyps on the Internet afterwards and I'm not super concerned either. The technical classification of the polyps they found is "diminutive".

Anyway I ate a hamburger afterwards and I'm feeling better now. And I don't have to do it again for, like, five years.

congrats, great news. I also hate the not-eating part

i'm literally wondering if i should get my anus glued or something

i'm not talking about having my asshole glued shut, i mean, i need to poop and all, but it doesn't seem to matter what i do, every time i poop it rips that cut on my anus open and it starts bleeding again. i mean what am i gonna do? i can't just put a band-aid on my anus. i'm not worried about it being serious or anything, the colonscopy was fine, i'm just fucking tired of bleeding out my asshole every time i take a shit. anybody got advice? should i just ask my doctor if they can take a look at my anus and put some of that fancy medical glue on there so it doesn't rip open every day? i honestly don't know how much it's even bleeding. like every time i take a shit some more blood comes out a couple hours later, and then it seems to heal up until the _next_ time i poop. pooping definitely does make me feel fatigued.

please go see a specialist! I have been several times to a proctologist -- I had a fissure at one point and the dreaded 'roids and had the exact same problem you had and then it escalated so badly that every trip to the bathroom was just a fucking horror movie, dread and anguish, 8/10 pain. I don't think my insurance paid for the specialist but that is what I did: googled "proctologist Joan Crawford's town" and found a place that that's what they do, treat anus problems. they gave me injections that gave immediate relief and advice about what to do. got better, then got aggravated again and I did a series again and they said if we see you again it's probably time to talk surgery, which I don't want to do, surgery in that area requires long rehab and can complicate yr life some. but I haven't had this problem now for a while and it sucks to have, go see a proctologist if you are able

merry xmas from the hospital bed!

Oh no :( I'm so sorry

booo wishing u fastest recovery

i hate this for u — sending love crut!!

Get well soon!

please go see a specialist! I have been several times to a proctologist -- I had a fissure at one point and the dreaded 'roids and had the exact same problem you had and then it escalated so badly that every trip to the bathroom was just a fucking horror movie, dread and anguish, 8/10 pain. I don't think my insurance paid for the specialist but that is what I did: googled "proctologist Joan Crawford's town" and found a place that that's what they do, treat anus problems. they gave me injections that gave immediate relief and advice about what to do. got better, then got aggravated again and I did a series again and they said if we see you again it's probably time to talk surgery, which I don't want to do, surgery in that area requires long rehab and can complicate yr life some. but I haven't had this problem now for a while and it sucks to have, go see a proctologist if you are able

― J Edgar Noothgrush (Joan Crawford Loves Chachi)

it doesn't hurt that much. i'm just tired of the blood. i'm gonna try to call a specialist next week. they say there are drugs they can put me on, but the insurance doesn't want to cover it. it's complicated because i'm in the middle of losing my job... i have multiple complex medical conditions and the combined effect is that getting medical care can be difficult. i am gonna work on it tho. in the meantime i'm taking more sitz baths and using preparation h.