Most Awesome Thing Said to You Either During or After Sex

So . . . what was it?

(please note this is in reference to the question at hand and not my answer to said question)

OK fine obv nobody else is going to start.

a) "I just saw God. He said to say hi." Cheesy but v cute in the moment.

b) That was by far the best bj I've ever got - uhhhh a cpl times over.

"okay pussy, your turn"

ha

Cowabunga

j/k

wasn't there already a thread like this? hoos posted about his dick iirc

Link pls

was that before?

wasn't there already a thread like this?

I think that one was funniest/inappropriate/somethingelse...

Awesomest? Too many to think of...

I don't know that words were ever the things I took most as a compliment. But there is a certain breathlessness, accompanied by a particular sort of look in the middle distance, follow by laughing.

Words are weak in this situation.

wtf are you talking about, words are awesome in this situation

Ok, yeah, they can be. But retyping them on ILX isn't going to do them justice. "That was amazing" doesn't translate if you weren't there, you know? It's rarely a moment that calls for riffing.

clearly some of subscribe to the iltmi podcast & others don't

Ok, I thought of one...

"Hi Mark, is "xxx" there?"

"I think she's in the kitchen..."

(you figure it out)

Once, I got a breathless "so THATS what it's meant to be like!" from a guy I dated.

Yeah that was a major ego boost :)

she stopped reading 'my sister's keeper' momentarily, once.

srs qstn:

maybe outing myself as a noob, but what makes a lady "good at sex" outside of just being responsive and into it?

small vajayjay iirc

maybe outing myself as a noob, but what makes a lady "good at sex" outside of just being responsive and into it?

That's all there is to it.

small vajayjay iirc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGjElvt4nP8

and yet...

Most Awesome Thing Said to You Either During or After Sex [Started by Aqua Backrat (ENBB) in April 2010, last updated 31 minutes ago by snakebite and a passable pinot noir (Upt0eleven) on I Love TMI] 22 new answers

i can't sleep [Started by gareth (gareth) in August 2002, last updated 33 minutes ago by mookieproof on I Love Everything] 5 new answers

I can tell you the most awful thing ever said to me after sex. (Not that you asked.)

She was a "technical virgin" at the time, at the age of 24, though she'd had it up the butt a bunch of times before me. Anyway, I finally talked her into something a little more old-fashioned, and she looked pointedly bored throughout. When it was over, she said (I am not exaggerating), "So that's it, huh?" She went on to pontificate on how nations have fallen and wars have been waged over this allegedly amazing act, but how she failed to see the appeal. Yeah, go ahead, perfect time to get all egghead about it, hon. Worst sex EVER.

Best thing I've got was any number of things from my old ex, probably a gasped 'Best....boyfriend....ever!' amid a host of multiple-orgasms. I do miss her, a bit.

"hey guys it's jesus's cock"

I think actually getting into real answers to this question, with real descriptions of heavy sex stuff, would freak the fuck out of this board and send everyone back to the doo-doo threads feeling half-ashamed.

too late, we have nothing to lose

xp Or perhaps into Lacan's definition of "aphanisis." When the subject (always one's self; even when the ostensible subject is someone else, one places one's self into the situation to try to empathize) and the linguistic signifiers (words, yo) become too close to each other, a kind of dissonance occurs that the mind rejects in order to maintain its balance between symbolic, imaginary, and real. It makes no sense, it never happened, LALALA I can't hear you, etc.

too late, we have nothing to lose

No, this is the short road to Suggest Ban City.

if it's TMI on ILTMI the mods will simply remove the suggested ban

(maybe)

LOL I love that Curb episode.

This is all a tangent:

I'm not sure this board is ready for sex. And I'm even less sure that most of us could get by with too much honesty before we'd get into neck-deep shit with our partners. My girlfriend reads this board, and I seriously doubt she wants to hear about a previous partner's orgasms. I mean... No.

The old guard of all things ribald, juicy, and generally Uncle Milty have become way too married or involved or just plain old to get much into all that, and the clinical discussions severely lack the sex-science-roller-derby-girls from years ago. And the kids just like their doo-doo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fJu-byjtRY

"My vagina is not a clowncar"

the clinical discussions severely lack the sex-science-roller-derby-girls from years ago

Abbott notwithstanding. :)

tbh I started this to get some new activity going on the board and it was the first thing that came to mind because something had recently reminded me of the God comment.

The old guard of all things ribald, juicy, and generally Uncle Milty have become way too married or involved or just plain old to get much into all that, and the clinical discussions severely lack the sex-science-roller-derby-girls from years ago. And the kids just like their doo-doo.

ehh, it's true.

xp I'm just venting about the board in general. Please don't take it personally, or even to be about this thread.

i personally don't even bother with sex anymore in case my SO is lurking

i'm not / wasn't. r.i.p. jon / tom / ally / chaki

I miss Ms. Laura.

It's mainly because you can't post anonymously on TMI (anymore)

ms. laura was bizarrely normal in person.

she talked to me for half an hour about cleaning shit from the bottom of hedgehogs' feet with a special toothbrush -- it was kind of fascinating

Ok I just lol'd loud, but I have to explain why. Ms. Laura has a bit of a foot thing. I'll leave it at that.

I'm not sure how you spell "nnggngguhnnngghuhuhuh"

"you sure were excellent at the sex we just did"

looooooool

my favorite (and perhaps not uncommon) after-sex saying: "i'm hungry now" b/c what better way to combine the best things on earth? doing it & eating? wowowowowo

I like it when she's suddenly very sleepy. Because so am I. Let's do this thing!

I'm not sure how you spell "nnggngguhnnngghuhuhuh"

I'm imagining the sound Sideshow Bob makes when he steps on a rake.

We had this game of 'who can guess the title & artist of the radio song first,' you got a point for each one you got first. We were absolutely vicious at it. Anyway, one time he put on satellite radio during and one of my least favorite & long-assed songs, "Freebird," came on. This gave me incentive to finish FAST bcz then I cld quit listening to that goddamn song. Eventually he came onto his stomach and said, "Do you know what THAT is?" (how this is an erotic question I have no idea.) I said in one breath, 'freebirdbylynarydskynard!' Hardest-earned point ever.

― sadbigail (Abbott), Thursday, August 6, 2009 12:36 PM (8 months ago)

I also liked the time a guy said, "SORRY!" to me as he was cumming.

lollllllll

hueg lol, unclear how we get from here

We had this game of 'who can guess the title & artist of the radio song first,' you got a point for each one you got first.

to the other, unspecified aspects of said game - sounds like anybody who shows up at trivia night is running a considerable risk

"come for the wings, stay for the aggressive, rushed sex"

Q: Name three people who have sung with Black Sabbath besides Ozzy.
A: I'm about to ejaculate onto my stomach.

dying here

omg

literal lol

Q: Name two of Ronnie James Dio's pre-Rainbow bands.
A: YESSSSSSSSSS
Q: incorrect, no points awarded

struck by another's Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Q: What ICP video went viral in early 2010?
A: LOOK AT ALL THESE MIRACLES

hahaha

"Hey down there, sorry, it sounded like you said Metal Machine Music but I want to be sure before I give my answer"

^^^ most awesome thing said to me after sex iirc

Usually my wife says one of two things: "That was nice" (which she says sweetly enough, even though it seems mundane - she's not a poet or anything) and"Baby, will you make me a glass of chocolate milk?"

The other night after I went down on her though, she looked at me kinda wide-eyed and said "Well, that was intense!" I'm gonna do it like that again, I think.

totally marrying a poet you guys

Well, you would.

oh man I just typed something that would have gotten me suggest-banned fifteen times over

suffice to say that your wife's innocent utterances shall be left be

i think the least awesome thing ever said to someone after sex happened to one of my college roommates. basically the whole house we lived in ended up sitting in the living room listening to these really loud awkward sexing noises for about 5 minutes, followed by a bunch of banging and stomping, followed by his semi-dressed girlfriend (who had not realized we were home) storming out and slamming the door while saying "WE ARE NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN!"

xp: no harm, aco. :) I was gona say something about you finding yourself a girl who can tally poll results expediently.

out of morbid curiosity we later got him drunk enough to explain the circumstances involved

in the butt y'all

in the butt

Thank god you guys xposted or I'd have posted something anal about that chocolate milk too.

I was gona say something about you finding yourself a girl who can tally poll results expediently.

XD just a coooouple more days

I also liked the time a guy said, "SORRY!" to me as he was cumming.

― kissogram powers (Abbott), Wednesday, 21 April 2010 18:12 (4 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

You slept with Hugh Grant?

eau, eau dam, eau i'm so sorry

eau look, i appear to have fallen into your vagina, eau i'm such an idiot, really sorry gel

out of morbid curiosity we later got him drunk enough to explain the circumstances involved

in the butt y'all

in the butt

― HOT DISH THYME MACHINE (jjjusten), Wednesday, April 21, 2010 5:03 PM (1 hour ago) [IP: 64.131.16.188] Bookmark

Guessed that even before I read this follow up post. Also lol.

she talked to me for half an hour about cleaning shit from the bottom of hedgehogs' feet with a special toothbrush -- it was kind of fascinating

i vaguely remember ms. laura. but my impression was that she was more . . . in control of her relationships.

ugh. i regret that post immediately.

ugh. i regret that post immediately.

ironically, the above-quoted line is one of the least awesome things ever said to me during & after sex

well if she's writing letters during, then you gotta be doing something wrong, certainly

can i just say i absolutely *hate* when they get all sleepy afterward? feel like i'm the only one who feels like going and doing stuff post-sex.

dude, if the sex is late in the day there is absolutely nothing better than snuggles into sleep and that is immutable human truth

yucks aside, an ex fell asleep during once. that was...disappointing.

"Ok, that's my new personal record"...

guys, seriously I have work to do

enough with the lolz, get back to the shame

oh man I just typed something that would have gotten me suggest-banned fifteen times over

suffice to say that your wife's innocent utterances shall be left be

― MPSIA (acoleuthic), Wednesday, April 21, 2010 4:59 PM (5 hours ago) Bookmark

well in ilxville they say that LJ's impulse control grew three sizes that day

I have fallen asleep during. (It happened because...uh, I don't remember why.)

i came close, mostly cuz my ex didn't mind staying up until 6 am having sex sometimes. there were points where I just wanted to sleep!

Ive been er.. got at *in* my sleep by someone also asleep. I woke up, he didn't. He kept on going anyway tho

(I know this cos when he did wake up it was like "woah what the... oh ok" *continue*)

"_____ me _____ ___ ____ ____ blind ___ ____ ____."

"Twelve times."

Which in retrospect is the most brazen lie I've ever heard after sex.

The worst was: "My mouth tastes like cock" a few weeks ago. Can't imagine what she was expecting it to taste of tbh.

"Which room next?" was a pretty good one.

Girl and I break up.
A mont or so later, after she breaks up with guy who followed me, we're drunk, make out, decide we should get back together.
We're wasted, back at her place, I start going down on her, she grabs my hair and goes "No, I want <My Real Name>!"
I remind her that it is me, now, and she lets out a very happy squeal.

i was gonna post something itt anonymously but i guess you can't do that anymore??

yeah, I don't think so

I think I posted the BJ thing anonymously before but figured what the hell now If I'm modding this board I'd better go balls out. I give good blow jobs. Deal with it etc. Sometimes you gotta just say fuck it and let the world know that you're awesome in the sack. ;)

lol awesome

there was a few times where my ex shivered in excitement afterwards...that was better than anything she ever "said".

I hafta agree with the person above who mentioned getting annoyed with people who wanted to go to sleep after. instead of wanting to cuddle or chat for a while, she'd wanna have sex for like 3 hours then go right to bed. not that I mind the former but ya know all sex all the time with no tender moments is what FWBs are for, not yer girlfriend!...

erica = BJ queen of ilx!

omg kate!

think u should change ur handle to commemorate the award bestowed upon you

uh...

lollllllllll

yeah. no.

CAttle Grind you're entering creepy over-familiarity territory here. IMO.

a totally unforeseeable development

sorry i'm having a crap night and trying to make myself laugh....i'll scurry away now.

i should really learn when not to be on the internet.

a totally unforeseeable development

irl lol

a: "thank you"

"GREAT JOB Mushroom head"

XD

i feel like i have had cool things said to me but i can't remember them ;_;

omg

the idea of some lady saying to Evan, "Great job mushroom head!" is p much the funniest thing ever to me right now.

I must now become a porn magnate so I can film the pornographic feature within which, post-climax, an actress says to an actor: "great job, mushroom head"

wasn't banking on becoming a porn magnate tbh but life is funny sometimes

seriously. this has to happen. you are sorta famous. you have connections. make this our reality. it is your duty.

I have no idea why I decided to abandon all capitalization there. Sorry.

have already put in several late-nite calls to my manager tbh, she is probably really pissed at me right now

"hey? pick up pick up! I have an idea for a line in a porn flick!"

i'm thinking something with some international flair titled "Mushroom Head of State", but i'm obv open to suggestions

mushroom head of the class

My girlfriend apparently has an answer to this question, but since I said it myself, I'd feel weird retelling it.

I can tell you the most awful thing ever said to me after sex. (Not that you asked.)

She was a "technical virgin" at the time, at the age of 24, though she'd had it up the butt a bunch of times before me. Anyway, I finally talked her into something a little more old-fashioned, and she looked pointedly bored throughout. When it was over, she said (I am not exaggerating), "So that's it, huh?" She went on to pontificate on how nations have fallen and wars have been waged over this allegedly amazing act, but how she failed to see the appeal. Yeah, go ahead, perfect time to get all egghead about it, hon. Worst sex EVER.

― Jack Human (kenan), Wednesday, April 21, 2010 7:22 AM (2 days ago) Bookmark

this is kind of like learning on a black diamond run then having someone take you to the bunny slopes

And bitching about it!

I have accepted that we did not share a common worldview.

wait dude butt sex is a-ok in the right time and place and mood etc. but nothing beats really fucking good non-buttsex imo and this is coming from someone who was just about to tell the internet something she's never told anyone before.

is it that you were a brandon kind of girl because its okay we'll still love you

I also liked the time a guy said, "SORRY!" to me as he was cumming.

I don't think this is that uncommon. I have an ex who told tales out of school of an old boyfriend, the son of a Baptist preacher (nnggngguhnnngghuhuhuh) who apologized *every* time he came, in any context. She wondered what he thought he should have been doing instead. Her laundry?

wait dude butt sex is a-ok in the right time and place and mood etc.

I never said otherwise

wait what? i was all dylan all the time.

I ain't me babe. No no no.

i was totally a brandon girl!

OH! Wrong dylan. I get it. :)

I seem to wandered into a girly hive. If I back out slowly, maybe they won't swarm and paint my nails.

(seem to HAVE wandered etc)

Right back... where again?

ILTMI entering its renaissance under new rule

right back where I can't go right now. also pls excuse the typos.

swOle

KENAN

Note to self... reeally dont read this borad at work hahahahha oh god.

I have to remind myself to not skim posts before reading them in full detail because all I saw at first was "puppy licked my face" at the beginning and "clit fucking swollen" at the end and for a split-second it was like a whirlwind of o_O about all those pug pictures

KENAN

What did I say?

so, it's great weather we're um, having, right?

ILTMI atmosphere, this morning

http://inapcache.boston.com/universal/site_graphics/blogs/bigpicture/eyja_04_19/e01_23056097.jpg

LOL CURTIS!!! :o

"GREAT JOB Mushroom head"

Were you having sex with Damo Suzuki at the time?

"I was born, and I was le petit mort"

Were you having sex with Damo Suzuki at the time?

one of the Reid brothers iirc

just so i'm not painting myself as a complete no-hoper on this thread, i did once get

"well my dad definitely heard that"

holy hell, this thread

sorry, "holy hell, this thread"

?thread?

i mean to say

eyebrows were never the same

yet another exchange that makes me despair of ever bridging the US cultural divide

"my work here is done"

A post is now curiously missing from this thread. Hmmm.

MOD SHOOK

:)

gee I wonder if it's missing because when ppl actually post some tmi stuff they run the risk of others paying way too close attention to it & kinda creeping them out

i'm not sure that's entirely fair, tbh. if kenan had posted something similar there'd be fair comment on it.

but i mean, if it's causing uneasiness, then w/e- i just didn't think eiher kenan or cattle grind were especially overboard despite the chidings they received.

it's TMI people, it's all love in a relaxed atmosphere

I meant no harm or offense or even creepiness. Sorry if any was taken.

where do posts on ILX go when they die

they don't go the board called TMI
go to the lake of fire and fry
can only be found by the FBI

nah, it's Ok - no offence taken. too much wine = tmi at a level that even I'm not comfortable with lol

okay it's not music poetricism but I'll take it xp

my bad kenan sorry to have maligned you ITT

TMW

Yeah, save it for when I deserve it.

x-post ^^^ yes

internet should have breathalyser iirc

fukn a+ posited invention imo, that and mobile phones

ha yes - I would also find that v v useful tbh

I think a lot of people would be posting slim-to-none if that were mandatory.

i don't know that I've ever posted to ILX drunk tbh, except once on a football thread in triumphalist frenzy

Dumbest thing ever said as the awkward-wake-up-what-do-we-say-to-each-other greeting:

"What's up, dude?" ---> said to me. not a dude.

((Re-reading the thread with that comment missing, it does seem like I'm suddenly talking some kind of serious filth out of nowhere. For the official record: that's not the way it went down.))

(For the unofficial record: oh that's totally how it went down, don't let him fool you.)

^_^

no-one wants to hear how you go down mayne, learn ur lesson pls

kenan's just not that kinda fella.

read ur adminlogs, people

learn ur lesson pls

Bah! NEVER!

fall asleep, miss everything.

iltmi is excised from admin log iirc xxp

^ worst thing to hear after sex xp

I can't use "clit got swole" as a username in any form of good conscience, right?

does it reference anyone's username?

xp Or good biology

dan it would be uncool of you to ref my grandmother, aerosmith clitgotswole

bet you thank your lucky stars she was on your mother's side, huh

I do - however, my grandfather Horatio Ballsack didn't really do me any great favors, I have to say

with a name like horatio ballsack, he wasn't ever gonna turn into one of the great philanthropists, really

He didn't do you any favors, no. Others have a different impression.

So if his name had been Harold, people might have called him "Harry".

Since his name was Horatio, does that mean people called him... "Hoary"?

"Racy"

ho-ratio ballsack

whore ate'cho ballsack

^^^ Most Awesome Thing Said to You Either During or After Sex

http://www.beacon.org/client/Products/ProdimageLg/6319.jpg

whore ate'cho ballsack

― HI DERE, Friday, April 23, 2010 3:11 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

^^^ Most Awesome Thing Said to You Either During or After Sex

― I went to your blog and I didn't feel anything (Curt1s Stephens), Friday, April 23, 2010 3:15 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

omg lol-o-lanche

"What do you know about Dorothy Kilgallen?"

Woman making loud moaning noises, followed by what sounds like the neighbors knocking on the wall.

That was, I kid you not, the most communication I got from any neighbor in that apartment complex aside from an occasional awkward "hi" in the hall. I felt like I was part of a community, an awkward community that knocks on walls to tell you to stop screwing so loudly.

On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 25 !

I don't know about awesome, but a drag performer (wasn't doing it during our congress) cooed "Ooooh, Captain Butler!"

(that's from Gone with the Wind)

i must suck at sex because noone has said anything to me

nah, you're probably just so good that they temporarily lose the ability to speak

"..."

and shame as it is to relinquish the mysteries of rectal permeation, I had to side with vaginal intercourse. Provided protection can be employed, it's the most intimate, rewarding and enjoyable of the methods. Of course, it must be undertaken under the auspices of great emotional attachment and mutual erotic allure, and in a style that both parties are comfortable with, but provided closeness, passion and a healthy dose of fun, it's unbeatable.

Thanks, it was a pleasure reviewing vaginal intercourse. You will find the Bookmark button conveniently located after the username and date.

"nobody's ever made it like that before"

Jesus wins! Jesus wins!

once at a friends house years ago he was in bed with this chick he picked up at a bar, lots of grunting and yelps...and all i hear was "you're gonna get it in the ass whether you like it or not" followed by a howl.

i think she was giving it to him in the ass.

um

'um' is the very least you'd say

gotta say that "whether you like it or not" is something I hope never to hear in a sexual context

yeah, exactly and (not that it really matters in the end but) I'm assuming that it was actually the dude saying that and not the girl which . . . well. Your friend is an asshole if that's the case.

"You're gonna cum now whether you like it or not".. awesome?

i think chris clarified it was her doing the talking

yeah but I wasn't sure if that part was supposed to be a "joke" or not

whatever - either way it's pretty creepy

spine-tingling alright

"You're no Momus but you're pretty big!"

maybe outing myself as a noob, but what makes a lady "good at sex" outside of just being responsive and into it?

yes it was creepy...especially since he came out nude afterwards with a look of confusion on his face. She came out all smiles.

and i can't really call him a friend...he was more like an aquaintance.

his roomate was my friend.

"Thanks for having me over.... and over."

so all in all im not friends with someone who does that.

a few times:
- recently, during a p0rn shoot, this really slutty twink kid told me that i gave the best head he'd received in months. also that i have a nice ass, which is the first time anyone's ever said that to me.
- with m4tt, there was a point where he said, "i didn't think i could go with anyone for that long, but you are gooooood"

-gets up after to walk to the bathroom, teeters upon standing, "whoah...legs not really working yet"

takes a while for the roofies to wear off

:o

lol

gets up after to walk to the bathroom, teeters upon standing, "whoah...legs not really working yet"

LOL thats happened to me before :D

something similar has happened to me, but i said it, and it was more, "well, that was lovely, but i'm going to have trouble sitting later tonight. let's go dancing"

"YOU'RE thore? I can't even PITH THRAIGHT!"

tbf that is just the punchline to a joke i like tho

in college i had a girlfriend who had the dirtiest mouth during sex...unfortunately for me i would bust a nut about 12 pumps in when she started with that stuff.

and unfortunately for her.

I've been watching new episodes of Californication and the guy who plays Duchovny's character's agent on the show has been involved with some woman who wants him to yell weird play-acting things the entire time. Like, they're pretending he's her brother, or that she's a teenager and her dad just got home, or other random shit.

It's kind of funny but it makes me think of this thread and then I crack up.

"bust a nut" is so gross

it's hard to dress up ejaculation, in words

I know but like, you know, "finish" or something like that would suffice. For some reason BaN just sounds particularly crude.

how about "blow a load"

much better

(ewwwwwwwwww)

Cum (v.) is perfectly fine imo. "Bust a nut" is very college freshman speak.

The whole ejaculating thing is kind of gross by nature, kind of why dudes try to normalize it/make it laughable. On the flip side, that's probably half of why it's all fetishized.

(takes off academic cap)

So is it some cliche thing for ladies to say "I love feeling you inside me" during sex, or is this some regionalism I keep encountering?

I've heard it from every woman I've ever been with, which sounds like braggin' but it really isn't. I think there's just a very small bag of phrases either sex can draw from that sound both complimentary and not ridiculous.

Its a great phrase really! I mean, why not say whats true.

That and just straight up saying "I want to fuck you" work for me.

Yeah it's probably pretty obvious and not particularly awesome. Just checking.

some regionalism I keep encountering?

South of the Mason-Dixon line?

biologically, yes

Yeah it's probably pretty obvious and not particularly awesome
Course its awesome.

yeah i don't get sick of hearing it tbqh

Now this thread's making me wish I wasnt so single, gah.

my problem with "bust a nut" is that it makes me think the testicle is going to literally explode

kinda like in some sci-fi action film where a planet blows up, except it would be bloody, gooey and smell bad

OK now I don't mind that I'm single all of a sudden ew

hahaha

ftr being told whereabouts the lady wants things to happen is a+ killer go-time imo

I was informed a while back that the fact that I as a woman often said "I want to fuck you" when revved up (rather than "pls fuck me") was a real turn on because it was dominant. That made me grin lots.

I think there's just a very small bag of phrases either sex can draw from that sound both complimentary and not ridiculous.

A very small bag of busted nuts.

my ex-ex was a freak in the sack. I almost felt like her feedback was that of a teacher giving feedback to a student, so I got all giddy if I got a 'good review'.

out of morbid curiosity we later got him drunk enough to explain the circumstances involved

in the butt y'all

in the butt

― HOT DISH THYME MACHINE (jjjusten), Wednesday, April 21, 2010 5:03 PM Bookmark

In a very thin-walled house I overheard a very attractive female roommate saying "Stick it in my ass" and then shortly after "OMG, what was that? EW! A goober!"

a poober

roommate couch thread to thread

as noted before i have the maturity level of a college freshman.

I have no idea if I am good at sex, but something tells me that I am probably not

See I can't hear "bust a nut" without thinking of Young MC

a girl runs up with somethin' to prove
now don't just stand there, bust a nut

NSFW:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buster_Gonad

See I can't hear "bust a nut" without thinking of Young MC

― muus lääv? :D muus dut :( (Telephone thing), Wednesday, March 9, 2011 2:06 PM (2 minutes ago) [IP: 74.82.68.16] Bookmark

See my musical association with it is "Senario" and someone busting a nut in someone's eye.

wait wut

haha, enbb me too! bust a nut inside your eye to show you where i come from.

that's it, I'm going to call chris "The Scenario" for a while

There isn't much that could be better than hearing your name moaned slowly and quietly imo.

triiiiiip maaaaaker

best things said during sex are the ones that circumstances cause to come out muffled & hard to understand imo

done.

most awesome queef during sex.

the one that went "BRRRRRRRRRR-*ploip*"

DJP & Chrisv2010, can I just request before yall get going to start a separate thread for where you're both going w/this, your thread can be called "fart and queef, classic or dud"

or you could just change that to the board description

for ILM

a fart and queef at same time would be sweet. probably tickle.

the underside of my ballbag.

that's the scenario!

ahahahaha jon

chris - u on thin ice

so close to going way too TMI on this thread, only had 1 beer with lunch but it was my first beer in a long while

haha. i've been up since four, i've had multiple coffees and am in severe back pain...im feeling crazy.

I was going to construct some elaborate scatological joke response but when I got to "tinker, tailor, farter, queef" I realized I was Going Too Far

ok sorry for being disgusting and offensive. im out of it today.

Pretty sure that you can be nearly as disgusting and offensive as you want here. I resolved early on to only wield my TMI mod powers when things get either a) meta or b) ridiculously/universally offensive. Carry on.

it was a meta-queef

best things said during sex are the ones that circumstances cause to come out muffled & hard to understand imo

I like the sound of this!

xpost shut up you lot!

hahaha

Maybe someone should just start a "LOL POOP IS FUNNY" thread where you all can unleash your inner 5 year olds whenever the need arises and dump (GET IT?!) all your scatological posts.

Wait wasnt that why this whole borad was started? heh. sigh.

Make with the sexy now pls guys.

why no one lets me be an editor:

the one that went "BRRRRRRRRRR-*ploip*"

― ancient, but very sexy (DJP), Wednesday, March 9, 2011 3:03 PM Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

[...]

I like the sound of this!

[...]

― one time, something happy craz (Trayce), Wednesday, March 9, 2011 3:22 PM Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

there already is one.
Have You Ever Shit Your Pants?

i like dirty talk in bed, unfortunately my wife will have none of it. hell she hardly lets me near her anyways.

(btw, just to be clear, I'm not tonally immune to this sort of thing. poop can be funny! so can farts! I'm just always amazed at how this stuff seems to wind up in nearly every TMI thread regardless of topic)

Hahahah Dan!

because the entire male population on ilx is really 12.

as soon as talk starts to get steamy on iltmi I think some people are like "steamy...yeah...you know what's steamy...poop in a cold bathroom" and then they go from there

however just to not be the guy who's complaining but instead be the guy who steers the ship back on course let me just clarify that what I'm talking about above is not body noises but people who talk, mumble, or otherwise emote vocally while they're sucking your dick THERE I SAID IT

everyone knew what you meant!

geez, use yr allusions

I don't know man ILTMI tends toward the "I like it when my partner wears this one particular negligee" "oh you mean when she takes a shit" "yes, yes that's exactly what I mean"

ok I can't front the poop jokes are totally cracking me up today

hahahahahahaha

UABIHO on fire this afternoon imo

x-post

yeah, me too

tbh if you are talking while trying to suck my dick, you are not actually sucking my dick and therefore by definition DOING IT WRONG

"before I continue, I'd like to share a few insights I had about Tolkien" sends me right through the roof every time tbqf

better than "it burnseses ussss" I guess

dont wear out the ring

yeah less talk, more suck.

one does not simply walk into my dick

says ouch

blew the horn so hard it shattered

i did once have a girl tell me that i was "breaking it off"...whatever the hell that means.

that means that you were chiseling out parts of her vagina and labia

with my sledgehammer schlonger.

(moria reference)

when I was a young dude I was the quietest partner imaginable, always terrified that talking/making noise would make me seem stupid or lame - now of course being grown I tell people not to forget the nutsack early in the evening, like when we're still at the restaurant

hahaha oh wow

that is the best damn advice I have read for weeks

well i had a good contribution for the thread from last night but i feel weird about posting it now

personally, I think "oh yes right therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre" is always a classic

I don't know man ILTMI tends toward the "I like it when my partner wears this one particular negligee" "oh you mean when she takes a shit" "yes, yes that's exactly what I mean"

Yr fuckin killing me today aero.

I actually told a guy to suck my dick once. Um. I was on acid at the time. So I'm not sure what the heck was going through my mind tbh.

The takehome there is possibly "dont fuck while on acid".

if you do fuck on acid though you should talk a lot & have a tape recorder running

put it to a beat and VOILA you have just recorded "I Sit On Acid"

everyone knew what you meant!

thought he was referring to pillow biting or something tbh

I thought a ball-gag (oho shoosh) at first but then I was all '...oh yeah rite"

Acid may be the one thing that distracted me from sex, like I'd be getting all hot and heavy and suddenly lose interest due to the fact that I'd just realized that girls aren't really made of sugar and spice and I really needed to go the kitchen and see if they had any mulling spice and sugar.

Cue to asking bemused girl what you call the stuff to make the flavorous hot water and do you have any.

Yeah the mind goes in VERY non logical directions very quickly. I found I wasn't even sure I was me, anymore, and that was really freaking me out.

"Oh my stars"

wau, you had sex with The Beast

I liked having sex on acid. I would do it again.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lbl2e4W8wq1qcqpbso1_500.jpg

tbh if you are not sucking my dick while trying to talk, you are not actually sucking my dick and therefore by definition DOING IT WRONG

ITT:
"..."
"penis is not in yr mouth at this exact moment, u r not sucking it this is doin it wrong"
"..."
"wait where u went :("

when i was like 14 i was up late and saw an episode of REAL SEX on hbo where this AREA MAN on the street said

'i hate when they try to talk while they're giving me a blowjob. it's like 'honey, you've got a great voice, i'd love to hear what you're sayin, but not while my dick is in your mouth!''

my life was changed forever

haha talking with a dick in your mouth is comedy gold imo!

Now I'm just thinking of when the dentist asks you questions with yr mouth full and then thinking of this and oh god I'll never go to a dentist again.

"And...spit."

The last dentist I went to was singing along to "I touch myself" by the Diyvinls oh god argh.

it has recently come to my attention that i am the type of person who moans while making out.

and at other times, too.

i also moan a lot in my sleep. apparently it's my thing.

I just saw god. He told me to SB all of you.

do it!

& you were like, 'god, you've got a great voice, i'd love to hear what you're sayin, but not while my dick is in your mouth'

somebody go over to ilm and do a POX: Albums Where The Singer Audibly Had Dick In Mouth During Vocal Tracking

"i left a little extra on the dresser"

that was said to you back in your prostitution days, i imagine

no, no it wasnt

I say it to people all the time, owing to both the tremendous volume of ejaculate I produce, and my gunking-up-the-top-of-the-dresser fetish

thats digusting

"i left a werther's original on the dresser"

"I left a pack of Extra on the dresser"

"what the fuck are you talking about"
"it's a sugar-free gum"
"never call here again"

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_0rzBqrKKJ9A/SJH9COf1REI/AAAAAAAAACo/CLAVWZhoK1k/s1600/banana.jpg

btw I want to say for the record that Lamp's joke was A+ and any riffing I did after it was only out of jealousy

i've also once tried to do my best teddy pendergrass imitation complete with horrendous singing.

Better than the Laurie-Anderson-in-male-drag imitation (made her crack up; o college).

"long, lasting flavor"

one time my g/f at the time wanted to have sex despite being on the tail end of her period (usually she preferred to wait until they passed completely because hers could be brutal).

So we went at it like normal, it was pleasurable, and as I turned the light on after finishing noticed large gobs of period blood all up and down my leg.

She tried to work it into a compliment by saying it was 'cuz i was so huge' that I went deeper than she expected which is why that happened but I was still kinda....ewwwwww about it.

ok to redeem myself for that post, my favorite thing that my ex did was unspoken, but she 'shivered' during climax in such a pleasurable way that told me she was enjoying herself and was 'fulfilled' to be frank. it was always a nice intimate moment.

I've never been able to have sex during my period because it was always too painful. (It felt like my insides were being scrubbed with a wire brush.)

Worst thing ever said to me during sex="I'm so big! I'm so big!" This was a woman, mind you, and nothing I was doing to her involved penetration. We had to stop because everyone was laughing so hard.

lol what the heck was she even talking about?

there was this extremely large woman who apparently was getting busy with another friend of mine at a drunken post-show cast shindig at a cast member's house. she thought everyone else was asleep, but my friend K!m was awake and secretly observing.

she was saying extremely awkward things about her pussy throughout the sexual encounter, and at the very end, asked, almost in matronly fashion, "didja cum?".

everyone kept saying "didja cum?" the rest of that day and through the ensuing performance to tease her.

xp She had a mid-fuck mental sex change, maybe? I dunno.

everyone can have a penis, a penis is a state of mind

^ million-seller t-shirt, dude!

given my history, it would be fitting if that turned out to be my legacy

once a girl said "you're beautiful" which i realize is kinda eyeroll but there were drugs involved and we were in a forest and it was raining, so it was well-timed.

besides that most of the runners-up are probably various slightly dommy tough-girl things that i'll just do the service of not exposing to the air because like others have said this is probably the single most you-had-to-be-there category in human experience.

once a girl said "you're beautiful" which i realize is kinda eyeroll but there were drugs involved and we were in a forest and it was raining

Holy shit that sounds like my idea of the most mindblowingly awesome thing to ever happen.

sounds like a deleted scene from Avatar

"ooh, Captain Butler!"

later we read out loud to each other from robert mckee's story while riding pterodactyls

We had to stop because everyone was laughing so hard.

uh, everyone?

try to keep up 007

xp Yes, this was a foursome.

Ah, OK.

You made it sound like an episode of "Friends" (recorded in front of a studio audience)

Nope, haven't had to become a live sex show performer yet. :-)

yet

oh wait - not saying that you're going to have to - I thought you meant that you hadn't yet done it as if it was something possibly in the cards - sorry!

too late she already hates you

:(

everyone kept saying "didja cum?" the rest of that day and through the ensuing performance to tease her.
http://outofafrica2010.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/rolf-harris-and-his-trust-001.jpg
Didja re-do?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSijA607Qao

It's OK. *gives Erica a sisterly hug*

--ex texted again. Geezus. Not to say she missed me, like last time, but to see what I was doing.

I want to tell her getting back together isn't an option, but if she doesn't come out and express that desire, I can see how quickly I'll be presented as a presumptuous dick to everyone.

I am gonna have no choice soon. I am kinda indignant given who broke up w/ who. Even my mom was questioning why I didn't wanna get back together today...can I help that I don't have feelings for her anymore?

K I clearly meant this for the 77 thread. Dammit.

*gives San Te a hug anyway*

Thx. Just wish she'd find someone new that makes her happy.

I want to tell her getting back together isn't an option

"Worst things said during sex"

haha

sometimes my ex-g/f used to say "wow, i'm still really horny", and resume making out with me which was a cool thing cuz she meant she was into it, but a bad thing cuz I knew I was gonna have to pull an all nighter.

on weekends she was disappointed if you didn't do it 4-5 times. freakin nympho. she also loved oral, but goddamn that shit could be tiring as she loved to draw it out...

i mean 4-5 times in one evening, not cumulatively over the entire weekend

i too have had some sex with women

I dunno how people can do that and not be completely chafed, tbh.

my face came out of it looking like I just faceplanted on a porcupine

horrifying