Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

High-principled woman who is not so superficial as to be taken in by wealth and good looks chooses the handsome, shaggable one anyway.

Funny-named bunnies leave home based on psychic premonition, join cult, leave, find new home, notice no lady bunnies around, steal lady bunnies from farm.

Swedish detective drinks a lot of luke warm coffee, complains about the weather and solves gruesome murders in slightly underhand manner.

Bloom walks, wanks, drinks, chats, fights, reads, ogles, and meets a mopey Stephen Dedalus on June sixteenth, nineteen oh four.

My next door neighbour has led a pretty strange life, but he lies half the time. Also, I am a bit strange.

I work at a job I hate, I drink too much and I like fucking crazy women.

I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm wicked smart, I die. And I have a pet mouse named Algernon.

Good opening chapter. Main character arrives halfway through, but gets killed off early. Some decent (if dated) commandments. Cracking ending. Slighty too open to interpretation.

"Yes it is true. This man has no dick."

Beastiality and politics become one. Shit happens somewhere in there.

Man writes novel. Shreds it. Then money arrives. Sticks it back together. Keeps money.

Big thumbs. Hitchhiking. Lesbians on a ranch in South Dakota. Whooping cranes. Inexplicable horny Asian man. Standoff with the government. Beauty wins.

Two guys. One ain't right in the head. He's nice but too strong. He kills a lady. His best friend kills him. Fin.

Heroin and diet pills are all fun and games until someone loses an arm.

Lady picking up beefy hitch-hikers is actually animal-like being from outerspace, shipping back humans as meat for her alien race to eat.

(Moral: Never hitch-hike in Scotland if you're a well-muscled man!)

Whacked out Captain Ahab chases a white whale, observed by a closet homosexual called Ishmael.

He's a phoney.
She's a phoney too.
Play a song, stop showing off on the piano, phoney!
I wish I could catch the playing children.

Anyhoo, let's see... I'll start with an easy-peasy one, since I'm a panda:

These book things are no good!
What do you mean read them?
Hmm, these are actually pretty cool.
I'd better run off to someplace secret!

working-class woman takes charge of life. finds noble husband and opens shop. long, drawn-out, torturous descent into alcoholism, misery, gluttony, prostitution, insanity & death.

Money-obsessed snob rapes and tortures hookers with hamsters and acid, writes reviews of Whitney Houston before revealing mental instability and unreliability of book's narrative.

(franny & zooey)

Wartime love story set on Greek Island. Beautifully told as war rages in the background. Nicholas Cage with a cod Italian accent. No, fuck off.

I'm fat and think, no, I know I'm better than everyone else.

Guy wakes up, eats a cake, thinks about stuff, becomes a writer.

Incest destroys the South.

Black Chicago kid beats off to film image of white debutante, scores, coincidentally, limo job in debutante's home, accidentally kills her, gets hunted down. Then there's this trial.

virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue.
virtue. virture. virtue. virtue. virtue.

I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm wicked smart, I'm wicked wicked smart, I'm stupid again. And I have a mouse called Algernon.

Eh...

Sloth or entropy? Who can tell, really?

Otto - that is the most brilliant thing I've read today.

^_^

My retarded brother's castration may have had something to do with my bastard daughter, another brother's suicide, or another brother's general assholishness. Or maybe not.

Jurgis immigrates with family,
marries,
job
kids
kids die
wife cheats
Jurgis beats
prison
wife dies
son dies
runs away
returns
prison
turns socialist

Yuppies whine about how tough their lives are.

War is hell, but we can't shoot soldiers who go crazy anymore, so let them write poems instead.

Posh dandy tries matchmaking, wins enemies; beatings loom. Thank goodness for the fish-eating servant!

~The Hearing Trumpet, by Leonora Carrington

I just realized this is an anagram of Tyrone Slothrop.

Disgruntled children misunderstanding their senile parents. Oh yeah, talking turds.

Asshole, Come to africa where i can purge cash and make factual mistakes before i drown at some point, i haven't worked this out properly.

Conspiracy theories are a load of bollocks. Or are they?

Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Upwardly mobile whore inspires man to get job. Wife leaves, dies; brother dies; kid leaves with whore. Man breaks leg.

"Are you the detective Paul Auster?" No, but I'll pretend I am. Actually I write detective novels, and now I'm pretending to be a detective! Later I get to meet the real Auster, who isn't a detective at all but the author of this post.

Little guys go to a lot of trouble to get rid of stolen jewelry.

Three men infatuated with one beautiful woman. Guy she ends up with is too good for her.

Boy meets girl, boy imprisons girl, girl withers away. Boy meets girl...

Apocalypse Now but with Brahms instead of The Doors.

"Is the grass greener on the other side? It must be. Oh, it isn't. Time to die."

"Being in World War II was so bad that now I hallucinate about aliens and time travel."

Rural tart gets mixed up with local bounder. Dad is constantly pissed. Too upbeat? OK, I'll add a dead baby and a murder. Stonehenge. Hanging.

Ok - I'm cheating. That's every John Grisham novel.

Boy loves girl. "I'm too original for you," sniffs girl. Girl proves originality by marrying gold-digging asshole. First boy stalks girl.

"You're an idiot," says Rogozhin. "Yes," smiles Myshkin. "I'm going to mistreat a woman now," says Rogozhin. "Unhand her, you beast!" says Myshkin. His brain fries.

I also had a prof in college who liked to summarize all of Soviet Social Realism this way:
Boy meets tractor. Boy and tractor fall in love. Boy and tractor live happily ever after.

Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung by Lester Bangs

WHOOP! Benzedrine's great Romilar's cheaper! NGK ZRRRRZSSST Noise is primal actfact of funky/tragic pullulation (cf. Velvets, 1965) ZAP! OK, what was I talking about?

I think therefore I am...but that's it, baby.

A frenzy of drugs and sex, somewhat like a frat house, only in the near future.

She's a man, baby! Or is s/he?

Being young is better than being old. Marriage sucks. Men are assholes.

Dostoyevsky "Notes From Underground"

The Magus by John Fowles (9/10ths of this, Foreigner)

Batleby the Scrivener

Get there before the hair.

If there's grass on the field, then play ball.

What an asshole. No, seriously, what an asshole!

-Life of Pi

The Mezzanine by Nicholson Baker

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son; I got ninety-nine problems but a bitch ain't one.

visit grey tuesday to download the grey album before emi blocks it for good. jay-z's black album mixed with the beatle's white album. v good.

back to the books...

conchis shoots 85 greeks. it drives him insane. he kidnaps nicholas and fucks with his head using greek culture. nazis and penises.

whitey sucks. DESTRUCTION!

CATCH-22
by Joseph Heller

war totally sucks. i don't want to die. i want sex. sex is good. everyone is crazy. crazy is funny. funny is tragic. JUMP!

If only they had a hearse.

Huge guy is bad, then becomes really good. Rescues a bunch of people. They all abandon him, but he saves more people anyway, then dies.

Consumerism sucks. But not as much as death. Actually it's not so bad. Unlike death. Also, the art of being funny by not being funny.

I hate my life. Almost as much as Marla. Anarchy is liberating. No, anarchy is bad. Wait, anarchy is, I don't know. Ask me. The other me.

"Boy, the meat trade really fucks you up, doesn't it?"

Jane Eyre:

"Everybody who gets in my way, suffers. MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bond only eats margerine from Fortnums. Bond wears P.J.s. Bond is good at everything. Bond feels bad about killing. Bond hates women but shags many. Author has teeny-tiny penis.

India's cool. I want to fuck my brother. My mom's lover got lynched. India's not so cool.

I was raped and murdered. Still, look on the bright side.

The bastard lied to me.

Rich people are cool, especially Catholic ones.

Whitney Houston made me do it.

God can be a right bastard sometimes.

Boo, Grover Cleveland. Boo.

Stuff makes other stuff happen.

All revolutions devour their young, especially when they taste like chicken.

I hate hippies.

Kesey takes LSD, makes a commune, gathers followers, uses day-glo, becomes paranoid, burns out. Author tripped out as well.

New York New York, big city of dreams, and everything in New York ain't always what it seems. (Like, for instance, I'm a Republican)

I read this book. Because Tyler read this book.

Whoooo oooo! Quaint little girl scares the crap out of grown up readers.

Heroin eyeball. Razor. Control fuck. Is.

Hey, man, that's like, only 9 words :)

The I Robot summary was one of the most spot on in the whole list.

Three guys get obsessed and die proving that conspiracy theories are the new opium for the masses.

Benji's golf balls fell by Caddy, laughing, as her underwear stained and so the son in time stills as a hat drifts another Southern weight pushed through the servants, the father, the oaks.

A poor, depressing town. A bunch of pathetic folks tell their problems to a deaf man. Deaf man kills himself to be rid of them.

//

My Colorful Career Fixing Things Up for a Bunch of Unappreciative Nitwits.

Let's go kill some people. Now they're killing us. We better kill more people. Now let's kill each other.

Slothrop gets it on where rockets fall, hops Channel, wanders wasted Europe. Stuff happens. Bleicher launches V-2 complete with sex slave. Good bye Los Angeles?

Ender's a vicious little boy, but it's not his fault. Ender learns to make people work together. Ender wins. By the way, Wiggins rule Earth.

The looney bin is better than prison. Everyone should rebel. Electroshock bites, but fishing's cool. Crap, Ratched won. Sometimes death's the only escape from suckage.

Here's some savants. Here's some vagabonds. Look, they're sort of connected! I'll tell you about it later.

(Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie)

Quicksilver - Neal Stephenson

Here's some savants. Here's some vagabonds. Look, they're sort of connected! I'll tell you about it after I finish meticulously detailing the entire 17th century.

I'm fucked up. There are lots of drugs(1) America is addicted to pleasure. Lookout, handicapped(2) quebecois!

(1) ie, meperedine hyrdochloride, Dalmane, Stelazine.
(2) they played with trains.

Vogon poetry is awful, perspective even worse. Earth is mostly harmless. Don't panic, but remember your towel. The answer to life, universe, and everything? 42.

Trains are great. Too bad human beings screw them up so bad. Now, you'll have to excuse me while I step on your face. Commie.

Guy wants to go to Africa. Has to fetch this Kurtz fellow. Africa is fucking crazy but not as crazy as Kurtz. Narrator: namesless twit.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.

- http://www.jokeemail.com/tv/tv1.htm

I will not fear plans within plans to swallow spice worms in a dry throat.

(Quixote) - I am a chivalric knight! (Sancho) No, I'm afraid you are delusional. (Quixote) Well, fine. I'll just die.

(Ishmael) Where is that damn whale? (everyone else) You're crazy! (Ishmael) Ah, there it is.

You had sex with your Mom.
No, I didn't. Oh, wait...yes I did. Crap.

(George) Try not to act dumb. (Lennie) Okay. oh, crap. (George) Bam!

Jesus, look at all the vampires on my lawn. I'll just hang out here until they eventually kill me.

42.

Absinthe, whores, fuck, cunt, whores, VD, absinthe, Paris, absinthe, whores, pubic hair, absinthe, what? whores, whores, boredom, let's go fuck some whores, absinthe.

I can't seem to finish my next book, but I still teach kids to write anyway. Adultery creates, and eventually solves, all of my problems.

Rand's the dragon. Now, here's Lamgwin, Reene, Selande, Carlinya, Wil, Lir, Darlin, Melaine, Gedwin, Renaille, Bela and Else. Are they important? Read and Find Out.

The colonists' diseases ravaged the natives as those back home annihilated themselves. "Who wants a hot dog?" Where are the Martians, Daddy? In the pool.

I'm Pip. Who's my benefactor. Is she Havisham? No, the ex-con. I love Estella. She uses me for twisted games. Life's easier when you're poor.

Marley: Boo. Ebenezer: You're bad meat. Marley: You'll see.
Past: You weren't happy. Present: You aren't happy. Future: You're dead. Ebenezer: Sorry, Timmy! Happy Christmas.

The flu kills almost everyone but God won't stop there. The antichrist learns the hard way that idiot savants shouldn't run a nuclear weapons program.

I'm naked on a cliff. I'm expelled, get a dead end job, rape a woman, become successful. I blow up a building, marry my victim.

We're from a collective. But we're not part of it now. We mean, I'm not. I? Yes, I. I don't like collectives anymore. Yay, ego!

Atlas Shrugged:

Who is John Galt? I don't know. Oh, now I do. He's destroying the world. I will help. Now it's gone. We're very happy together.

We the Living:

Lenin sucks. I love a man. Then I have sex with another man. The first guy is abusive. The second guy dies. I die, too.

My dog got rabies. Bang.

I'm innocent. Bang.

Oh look, Nanotech! Big Bang.

Bang! Daddy!

I love your books. Write me one. Trying to leave, huh? Bang.

Boy, this is a good movie. Canadians are scary. Don't do drugs.

-Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Young man moves to the boondocks and finds it nice and quiet. This
discovery has influenced millions around the world. Rather insightful. No
sex.

Vegas ahead. We have drugs. We do them. This race sucks. This town is degenerate. The sixties were cool. Cops are silly. Going home.

Three Russian sisters want to go to Moscow. They don't go.

(David Copperfield)

Girl is born, loses parents, finds nice man and big house to clean. Watches as red tape strangles youth and beauty.

(Bleak House)

There are seven anarchists. Oh, wait, six of them are policemen trying to find the other six. One of them is God.

I'm über-powerful. sex. wed perfection but don't know her. sex. 'misplace' billions. sex. killer where? sex. what’s pain? lets shoots hand. nothing more to live for.

(I’m taking one of the unused words for my quota)

The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club.

(Joyce - Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man)

I'm homeless, I've got one leg, whoops, now both are shit. I'm a detective, I've got a son, whoops, now I don't. Who's writing this?

(Beckett - Molloy)

(Don DeLillo - White Noise)

"Barney's Version", Mordecai Richler

(Phillip K. Dick - Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?)

And yes, I have memorized all of the commercials on Wave 103 in GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY. Kill me now.

(Philip Roth - THE HUMAN STAIN)

I'm going to stop now...

(a novel by PKDick)

Desade- "justine or Good Conduct Well Chastised'

Turner Diaries

The Sea of Fertility, tetralogy (4 books, sorry), Yukio Mishima

Although it seemed terrrible at the time, we survivors, who are still sane and solvent, actually amassed a lot of poignant anecdotes while in Vietnam.

neocon junta steals american election, stages false flag op, declares war on everybody, suspends the constitution, people are disappeared -- oh wait, it can happen here.

The story of genesis - conjured in dulcet prose. Satan is imbued with such humanity that one is tempted to root for him. I did. Pity.

When one is going to Heaven, one gives not a shit about other people.

Lots of guys fight for 10 years over a girl that isn't theirs. Arrogance is brought to heel.

The Odyssey

Guy takes 10 years to return from fight over girl before he comes home to his wife. She's unusually understanding.

The Aeneid

W3 R0M^NS ARE L33T T00!! AND 0UR B1TCH3S R0CK!!

Hamlet

My family's fucked up. I'll pretend to be crazy, lull them into a false sense of security and kill them.

You might want to read the ingredients on that package of sausage....

Christine, by Steven King

When automobiles attack....

The Iliad, by Homer

Long boats trips, many battles. Man, the woman had best be awake when I get home.

Three can keep a secret if two are dead. Well, shit, I guess not. Live and learn.

Rum running; more than a job, it's an adventure. If I die, I guess my wife can support herself as a prostitute.

Middlemarch

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love with COUSIN. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

Group of kids and a fat kid get stranded. Find a counch. Go crazy and kill a pig. Then killed the fat kid.

(Waiting For Godot - alright, its a play not a novel.)

"Going down."
"Lobby. Pagans, Philosophers, The Unlucky."
"Basement. Icky People."
"SubBasement. Really Icky People.
"SubSubBasement. Seriously Icky People."
...
"Bottom. All out. Elevator up over there."

(The Inferno. Dante Alighieri)

I'm not gay, but I like to kiss women. Some say I hate my life, but in reality I'm just far too melodramatic. (Except Virginia.)

(High Fidelity - Nick Hornby)
Film adaptation is pretty good, John Cusack is loveable.

I just realized this is an anagram of Tyrone Slothrop.

I would NEVER have noticed. that was brilliant. utterly brilliant.

I can't think of anything to write, so I'll isolate myself on a beach. No, still can't write. Apart from this waffle.

Teens beat, steal and rape. Teen gets caught. Brainwashing ensues. Violent teens are now cops. Unbrainwashing ensues. Violence = bad. Choosing violence = good. Milk = good.

=s are not words.

(The Blue Castle, L.M. Montgomery)

Weird dream; thought we killed someone last night. We did. Friend with funny name will talk. Must kill friend first.

You are a reader who only ever gets to read the first chapter of ten books. It's infuriating but you do get laid.

lee shoots up bug powder, shoots wife, goes to tangier, gets hooked on opiates/black centipede meat,friends worry but love his book. GAY SEX!

Martians kick our asses but then get a cold and die.

I won your stupid prize... No you didn't (50 years later) ok you did.

Isn't cutting-edge technology wonderful?! Wait, that shouldn't be happening ... FUCK!

I'm sure glad I survived - If only we'd respected nature.

I'm poor. Let's rob and kill a pawnbroker who sucks. Yay, for murder! Let's go insane and confess. Yay Siberia!

Book 1 - The Gunslinger
Roland follows guy through desert. Massacres a town. Finds boy. Drops boy off bridge. Finally meets guy on beach

Book 2 - The Drawing of the Three
Crabs eat his fingers. Walks up the beach and finds "portal doors": out of which come an ex-junkie dude (after a gunfight), a black schizo chick in a wheelchair who wants to kill whitey. Schizo turns normal.

Book 3 - The Waste Lands
Cripple chick gets raped, boy that fell off the bridge hops out of a hole in the ground. They kill a robot bear. "Stairway to Heaven" will get you crucified in this town. Suicidal robot train wants to derail.

Book 4 - Wizard and Glass
Welcome to Kansas. Hi it's me RF. Flash back. Roland had sex once. He and some buds killed a bunch of thugs and a witch. Roland's chick dies. He goes home and kills his mom by accident.

Book 5 - Wolves of the Calla
Robots are stealing kid's IQs. Cripple chick is pregnant. You are told to go read Salem's Lot. They kill a bunch of robots and the cripple chick runs off to a cave with a portal door.

Suave European pedophile tries to convince us he's human, while providing his very particular view of 50s America. Sharp wit, unreliable narrator, sick love story.

- almost every Haruki Murakami novel ever.

also:
>>Musical prodigy receives all sorts of erudite training growing up, becomes leader of civilized world, plays best game ever, retires, imagines other lives, and dies. <<

I give up! What is this one?

Julius is a genius. Caesars 2 - 12 are mentally disturbed. According to the gossip round the forum, Tiberius was in to little children.

We've removed all cause for conflict. Let's murder and cheat on each other and blog it. This book's free if you like me in return.

(Read the book: http://craphound.com/down/
It's a fun novella, but it's also Doctorow's blatant internet-centered utopia.)

I have Tourette's. I want to be a detective. Ooh, now I am. Still have Tourette's though. My name is Prince and I am funky.

Wow, damn good cookie!

>>any of Michael Crichton's non-medical books:
>>Isn't cutting-edge technology wonderful?! Wait, that shouldn't be happening ... FUCK!
>>I'm sure glad I survived - If only we'd respected nature.

So true, so very, very true

Brighton Rock:

Man is dead. Whodunnit? Him! Oh, damn. So, nice weather we've been having then? Horse races, razor blades, being poor sucks, oh look a cliff.

American historian and French babe break secret codes, hustle through Europe, search for Holy Grail. Did you know that Jesus and Mary Magdalene got hitched?

World reknowned smart guy is killed, hero called. Langdon wakes up, runs around with smart EuroBabe, visits tourist attractions, is betrayed, then resolves ancient conspiracy.

The Wizard of OZ

Willy: My boys are great.
Biff: No pop, we are dime a dozen.
Willy kills himself.

Alien comes to earth, becomes a drunk, gets blinded.

We lost the Antichrist. He's a normal boy. Agents from Hell and Heaven are friends. Subtle message: society sucks.

There's an annoying government, but apart from that nothing important happens at all.

retarded guy named George and normal guy named Lenny make friends and get jobs, retarded guy kills someone normal guy kills retarded guy. good stuff.

Girl and embodied soul flee "Lady Macbeth" Mum, meet parallel boy. Help ambitious Dad defeat God. Fall in love, much symbolism, split up, many tears.

Brit meets weird foreign guy at airshow. Brit hires foreign guy to fix aeroplane engines. Turns out he's Jesus. Planes work great. Everybody dies celibate.

In a car with a redneck with ADHD, smoke reefer, go to mexico, find sluts, go home.

Herion is good, no wait, it's bad. Wait. It's good, or maybe it's a lifestyle choice. No wait, young boys are better.

Boy, Victorian and Edwardian society is strict. A Cottage and cradle robbing are thrown into the mix, and rich mingle with the poor a little.

Holocaust, nurse, ship, Palestine, Jews, Arabs suck, British suck. Hero gets girl.

The Haj, Leon Uris

Arabs suck, Muslims suck, and suck and suck and suck. Hero goes nuts.

Gambling, sex, and Johnny Depp are cool. But drugs are better.

"Honey, wouldn't life be easier if you were more intelligent, if I actually wanted kids, if we had a modicum of courage and if Ike wasn't ruling the country?"

"I am clearly smarter than you. Eat my dust."

Three guys seek Mexican gold. Hardship, privation and bandits. There is much mutual suspicion. In the end greed brings about robbery and betrayal. Protagonist dies.

Seymour skips own wedding. Disgruntled family of bride wind up at best man's apartment. Lots of alcohol served. While they recover, Seymour and bride elope.

Hesse, the glass bead game; sometimes also called Magister Ludi.

Genius kid passes out on floor; inside joke. Family members (?) are weird. Drugs. Drugs. Drugs. Drugs. Zzzz.

Humanity vs Entropy. Entropy wins, mostly.

Dirty old man is murdered; it's one of his three sons! Hoorah, Aloysha!

While logging, a man’s younger, college-educated, pot-smoking half-brother sleeps with his wife. It sure rains a lot in Oregon.

No, Dad, I don't want to join the family business.
Oh no, Dad's dead. Think I'll kill everyone who ever fucked with the family buisness.

Hal, tennis prodigy, tries to speak; gibberish emerges. And but so what happened? No clue. Something to do with a lethally entertaining movie. And drugs.

I have no sense of humor. My ceaseless self-pity causes me to orchestrate my own death. Trick ending available for despairing fans.

Little evil man and portly elite man are one and the same.

Help girl. Get sucked into mysterious underworld of London. Meet insane angel. Kill it. Earn ability go home. Home sucks, go underground again.

Honest young sailor betrayed and abandoned. Finds treasure, becomes rich and powerful. Plots ingenious ways to avenge his misfortune, succeeds. Finds love, contentment and happiness.

Nothing happens. Twice.

About a guy whose's really a girl and has killed three family members before age of eight. Some comic interludes.

Slothrop's erections presages rocket arrivals, Germans love S&M, assorted other subplots.

The world, power, wealth, land, women are maayaa. A war for them is idiocy. Only a fool doesn't realise this. The wise do. I do.

Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
and
Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown
and
probably his other books, if he only uses this same template.

Academic consults on bizarre crime. Meets cutie. Uncovers huge conspiracy. Minor good guy is actually bad guy, and insane. No conspiracy after all. Ending fizzles.

Local boy actually chosen one. Must harness powers (while going schizophrenic) before battle with ultimate evil. All women are grouchy. Only 10 books to go.

Man walks five hundred miles for a roll in the hay.

Crazy man brings weird message to publishers. Publishers invent a conspiracy to explain it, but everything is already a conspiracy. Blame everything on Knight's Templar.

2004

Orphan finds that life is magical, but not all fun and games. In fact, it’s a downright pain at times. And sometimes quite terrifying.

Leopold Bloom wanders around Dublin, reminisces, frets about Molly's adultery, eats, tries to make a buck, masturbates. Crosses paths with Stephen Dedalus. Molly masturbates. Yes!

Young man damaged by war, hangs out with coal miners, farmers, prostitutes, yogis. Enlightenment ensues. Ex-girlfriend still pissed.

Self-conscious med student falls for waitress. Everyone knows she's going to use him, which she does. Repeatedly. He ends up happy, despite never going to Spain.

I'm Jean-Baptiste. Modern man: fornicates and reads the paper. I did too, now I'm conceited. Did I mention I let a woman drown? My bad.

Think rebellious thoughts, drink, hide from TV, drink, snog [more dumb than revolutionary] redhead, drink, hate BB, drink, get rats on face, love BB, drink.

I am the boss. Do exactly as I say. Don’t think. Be good until I tell you to kill, then act like it didn’t happen.

I just don't get the doppelganger thing at all ...

:::?
human experiment subject / concentration camp escapee singlehandedly challenges british dystopia; conscientiously objecting intuitive cop takes LSD to track him down; vi veri veniversum vivus vici.

Dad SUUUUUCKS! Grandpa sucks. These weird eater people suck. Being a resident sucks. My kid sucks. Thinks I suck. Acid sucks. This ending sucks.

Witches covenent decides to kill all English children with cursed sweets that turn them into mice and kill them in mousetraps. Cursed mouse-boy recalls tale.

mouse-boy is one, hyphenated word. shut up. shut-up.

"Life is many days. This will end"

A Native Angeleno drives LA's freeways, experiences the City, recalls his past, finds true love (and himself), and reveals the metropolis's true nature.

Thomas More blueskies a creepy, sixteenth-century Singapore, radically re-inventing society. (Later executed for conservative views.)

Buggery by numbers

Winston Smith does his job. Listens to Will Young in the pub.
Then appears on pilot for 'I'm a celebrity' doesn't get out.
Gets very depresssed, can't trust anyone again. Julia was a bitch.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/online/webwatch/

Scott, scroll down for the top referrals ever bit (Metafilter, basically).

Woah, too many characters! Best make poem 1500 pages long. Stab, charge, slaughter! Rivers of blood ensue.

(or: Dynasty for the Renaissance)

Northerner, Southerner, draw territorial line across America, slaves, talking dogs, robot ducks, murderous intentions, hissy fits, and then they all die. It is sad.

Simple concept becomes popular. Loads of new people contribute. 300 posts and still going strong. Mention in the Guardian. Guardian Readers contribute. Thread dies.

Man hunts androids, illegally on earth to lengthen their pre-programmed short, doomed lives. Kills three, falls in love with the fourth. Short-lived.

That's a one word description of Fight Club.

(Paraphrasing an earlier post) The first rule of Fight Club is you don't summarise Fight Club.

Guess what? People suck in any shape or form.

Gulliver's Travels

Mason & Dixon by Thomas Pynchon

Its hot, my mother dies, its hot, I kill someone, its really hot, I get sentenced to death. Who cares? I do. Or do I?

Dude is really confused about stuff. Sage reveals all, except more weird stuff happens. Dude gets really freaked out, and goes and gets a Coke.

German WW1 soldier is really hungry and miserable. Gets shot at, but has some good sociable craps in the sunshine with his mates. Goes home.

(Kafka, The Trial)

Hey, the ape can talk! And he thinks that by speaking elliptically I will learn how to live righteously in the world. God, he’s smart! (D. Quinn’s Ishmael)

Life as a World War II orphan is grim, but I survive savage landscapes like a medieval fairy tale character without a ‘happily ever after’. (J. Kosinski’s The Painted Bird)

-- The Sun Also Rises

-- Woolf, To the Lighthouse

A skinhead Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

ACT I SCENE I
The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(Exit GHOST.)
HAMLET: O Fuck.
(Exit HAMLET.)
SCENE II
The Throneroom.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock fuck!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE IV
The Battlements.
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)
ACT II SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GUILD.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(The exit in different directions.)
ACT III SCENE I
The Throne Room.
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the fucking arras.)
POLONIUS: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)
ACT IV SCENE I
A Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II
The Throne Room.
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some fucking rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
A Corridor.
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(Enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
ACT V SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber.
HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Large Hall.
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat)
Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies.)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies.)
HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(Enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)

The ship's surgeon was a spotty, unshaven little fake. So is everyone else. Wyatt kills Brown. Stanley brings down the house.

Karass, my ass! Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

Y'all are one serious buzzkill. I'm out.

--James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

Wouldn't you like to know!
(Kafka, The Castle)

>> Wouldn't you like to know!
>> (Kafka, The Castle)

I'm, like, sooo out of here.
(Kafka, America)

Hamlet

Oedipus Rex
by James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George DuPree (age 3)

The End.

ugly guy falls in love with beautiful lady. she turns him down. this goes on for years. eventually, the deserve each other.

Monkey-faced mockney regurgitates cooking ideas established long ago by greater chefs, but is worshipped for saying "pukka" repeatedly. Sits back and waits for advertising deals.

OR

a knyght ther waf, his sone, yeman, frere, monk,
marchant, millere, nonne, doctour of phyfic,
sergeant of lawe, and the refte, sharing smalltalk while traveling.

OR

"a compaignye of sondry folk, by aventure yfalle in felaweshipe, and pilgrimes were they alle that toward Caunterbury wolden ryde . . . ech . . . telles tales tweye"

Crap.My bitch's dead-ill goto the future so theres a story and get some shit answer and stay in the future

Does exactly what it says on the tin

Oi, wanker.

"Mostly Harmless." Earth is a supercomputer ruled by mice. Earth explodes but another is made. Repeatedly saving the universe, towels, time/galaxy travel, odd things.

Screwing Elizabeth Taylor's gaping wounds in a wrecked automobile. Mmmmmm...

Isn't being on the road fun? Actually, wait, it's kinda depressing.

1803. Tom runs away to live with homeless starving London prostitute. Goes to Eton and learns Greek. Starts taking opium. Dreams. Takes more, then less.

(I have sinned by doing this. I think it should be FIFTY words... at a min.)

Seabiscuit
Laura Hillenbrand
P.S. This thread is FABU!

Poisonwood Bible
Barbara Kingsolver

I asked a friend what she thought of the movie, The Passion of The Christ. She said, "It was great! They should write a book about it."

The Old Man and the Sea

Middlesex by Eugenides

A Prayer for Owen Meaney by John Irving

Lone wolf detective is turned on by scheming woman, helps her outwit queer, fatso and goon, then sends her to the chair anyway. Falcon worthless.

I don't want to work in advertising. I want to be a poet. No wait, actually I want pussy more. Okay, I'll work in advertising.

Do you sit or stand to piss, Beer, Burning Sheep

Vicar gains divine power, uncovers massive cover-up/conspiracy. Dies. Comes back. Discovers best mate is evil. Beats him up. Gets shot. Loses power. Finally happy.

The Lord of the Rings:

Loads of malarkey over a bit of bling.

The Black Dahlia (James Ellroy):

Cop is obsessed with dead girl. Alienates everyone, ruins life. Discovers gardener did it. No, boss did it! No, daughter did it!! Everyone did it!!!

Dead Air (Iain Banks):

9-11. Shock Jock annoys everyone on air. Sleeps with gangsters wife. Gets beaten up. The end.

Man: Hello. Come in to my small Parisian apartment overlooking the river.
Woman: I can't stay but a minute.
Man: Come closer...take off your corset.
Woman: You're pretty fresh, you are.
Man: A kiss!
Woman: Somebody might see!
Man: We can go somewhere private.
Woman: It's too far...my sister...
Man: Cognac?
Woman: I'm not thirsty.
Man: Stupid thing! My treasure!
Woman: You're tearing my chemise...oooh...
Man: I love you! Let's screw!
Woman: No! Oh, okay.

Later -
Man: (weeping)
Woman: What's your name again?

Meat. Meat. Eggs. Meat. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Fry-Up. Meat. Meat. Cheese. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Meat. Lard. Meat. Egg. Meat. Meat. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat.

I know it's not a novel, but I coudn't resist.

I had so much sex and drugs last night that now I’m depressed. Let’s go drive someplace. Whatever. Superficial is, like, SO my middle name.

Jeffrey Eugenides - The Virgin Suicides Men spend their lives obsessing about women they didn't bang.

Link, please? Or cut-and-paste the text? Or something like that?

"Not the chopped liver, you schmuck."

Own a Prizm? Onanism!

http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/books/features/story.jsp?story=502722

Bourgeois 80s fad limps towards death. Runs low on cash, sacks journalists and ends up being written by anonymising webcrawler. Andreas Whittam Smith Ha ha

Nameless French girl surrenders in taxi, chateau, Paris Apartment. Loses clothes but gains a piercing. The pleasures of a simple life...

God is bad, Science is good as are superintelligent ships and giant ring worlds. Pirates and agent seek sentient computer on dead world. Unhappy ending.

Guy rides motorcycle while gazing at own navel (wouldn't he crash?)

Pussy whipped cuckold cries a lot on the way to Newfoundland. Takes some photos of car wrecks and drags house across island, thus redeeming himself. Aaaah.

"Shift happens!"

Impossibly angelic sailor gets shafted. Gets rich, alienated and bitter. Gets revenge. Realises it's all just fate. Movie directors unamimously ignore irrelevant sojourn in Rome.

Adulterous whore-loving widower walks north with girl-child to pimp in tow. He thought he raped his daughter. Not so. Still he gets slaughtered.

I used to be crazy and I killed someone, but this is Texas so I am sheriff. You know, I’m feeling a bit crazy again.

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

People made no effort to remember their history, now no-one's sure whether any of it happened.

Daily Telegraph coverage of this thread

Man declares war on money. Man gets neurotic about money. Man gives up, gets a proper job and settles down. The end.

Dynamics duo's three steps to heaven

A horse tells everything a field of horses does , but is too polite and victorian to mention they shit,piss and fuck.

An epileptic nut case Hasheesheen dreams about blowing up/ exterminating Jews and Christians, then leaving his four wives and having 77 virgins.

Notes. "hasheesheen" is arabic for a Hashish eater or taker, whence derives (via French) the English word " Assassin ". Hashish was/is used to alleviate epilepsy and eliminate fear in warriors of the Jihad.

How to take the piss out of Lenin , Stalin and communism/ fascism/ socialism and get away with it, having a City named after you, too !

Note. Only an ornithologist would understand this !In this short poem he does it better than Orwell's "Animal Farm"

" Puddenheaded Wilson " by Mark Twain

How to take the piss out of slavery, racism and being "sold down de ribber " then get called a racist for doing so!Best detective yarn ever !

Kidnapped child disfigured by gypsies, becomes ever-smiling carnival freak, Gwynplaine; saved by Ursus. Revealed to be English Lord. People laugh. Lover dies, he commits suicide.

Absent-minded, hair-obsessed orphan disrupts life of old people.

Hideous, self-obsessed yuppie can't get a man, because she thinks she's too good for everyone. Gets a man. He's hideous too.

Girl falls asleep for ages. Wakes up really thin, mysteriously causing everyone else to fall asleep.

Boy goes to football with his Dad, then goes to football on his own, then thinks about football a lot, then Arsenal win the league.

Fin.

Long before the Open University, blue collar lad’s faith in upward mobility via education is brutally crushed by combined forces of religion and conventional morality.

Sniper misses, eventually.

Quote from the Quarterly Magazine of the Preston Guild of Master and Journeymen Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers & Ancillary Trades :-
This is in three Volumes with an Appendix of 1,282,419 references. Almost half the pages in each volume are made up of references. Volume one is entitled:-
" Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring from the Iron Age to the 20th Century"
Chapter 1 " Iron Age Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring Sites and Artefacts" argues that the 2,180 sites where artefact such as discarded bow-drills and partly bored toothbrush handles made of ivory and walrus tusks shows Toothbrush Hole Boring was the major industry and trade of the British Isles in this period, and exported as far away as Gwalior where the Gwaikor of Gwalior had gold toothbrush handles sent to the British Isles to have their holes bored; the Chinese Wo-shan Wun ( Marsh lands of the Yiang ‘se Kiang) where the tooth brush handles were smuggled in exchange for Chia or Green Tea, pre-packed Chow Mien and Number 14 with Egg Noodles in a Pak Choi Sauce; and Easter Island, where most of the mysterious giant statues are meant to be holding toothbrushes.
Chapter 2. " Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer." This chapter discusses the derivation of the word " Hun" from a phrase in Germanic language , meaning United Tribes of Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers; and claims Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer was right to attack and sack Rome, because the Senate had imposed huge duties on imported toothbrush handles, to protect the failing toothbrush handle hole boring industry of Tuscany. The Praetorian Guard and other Roman Legions had been decimated because a shortage of toothbrushes had lead to an outbreak of toothache and gum diseases; an early example of a rich and despotic lifestyle without proper dental hygene resulting in catastrophe.
(to be continued )

There's much clever scheming, a lot of people die, quite a few go mad, and the basic storyline manages to become Shakespeare's longest play - wow!

"You went to Afghanistan?!? F**k me! WHY???"

Stranded Pork-loving kids kill chubby chatterbox shell-collector.
Descent into savagery and pork worship until hero recued by responsible adults.

Man writes a book which causes him to go into hiding ... from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's lawyers.

Yes It Is About A Dog.

"A Tiger? In Africa???"

"Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

"But what have the Romans ever done for us?"

"It has shuffled off this mortal coil, and joined the choir invisible" etc etc etc

Trainspotting
Scottish kids take drugs, kick drugs, have sex, rob each other and swear a lot.

Glue
Other Scottish kids take drugs, have sex, fight, catch AIDS and swear a lot.

Porno
All the Scottish kids, now grown up, take drugs, have sex on camera, rob each other and swear a lot.

Add some zombies and this'd make a really good Johnny Depp movie, in 20 years time.

Dad. Stop it. Aargh.

All the words are there but it doesn't seem to make sense.
Perhaps I will just have to wait for the film to come out.

Young impressionable man happens upon idyllic area in an imaginary country called "England" - keeps putting his arm up cows' bums. Police disinterested because of "vet" defence.

Bloke having mid life crisis discovers politics and shagging; but then learns to settle down and become a normal, respectable, member of society

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,6000,1177601,00.html

Diary of a Nobody:
I got up this morning. Tonight I shall go back to bed, as is my custom.

Alice in Wonderland:
Alice breaks all the freaky rules in a freaky place, and freaks out all the freaks who live there.

Alice Through the Looking-Glass:
.niaga ti seod ecilA

Lord of the Rings:
Never underestimate a little guy with hairy feet.

Everyone is miserable and lonely. Dublin is horrible. Nothing ever happens save more misery. You'll never leave!

James Ellroy - The Cold Six Thousand:

Everything's gone wrong since Kennedy died. The FBI did it. CIA and Republicans are complicit. Vietnam was wrong. Cops are corrupt. Kill yourself now. Blam.

Hackers break into rich guys' network. Wander round a bit. Network crashes. Into the sun.

London in the sixties was a jumping-off point to travel the rest of the Multiverse, particularly with a little chemical enhancement. I'm the Eternal Champion, by the way, but I don't like to talk about that.

The Kikuyu have a shite time in Kenya. But we can still sing! And I'm in prison again.

** "NOTRE-DAME DE PARIS" by Victor Hugo **
Bizarre love quadrangle plays out in shadow of Gothic cathedral in fifteenth century. Lofty themes, quirky supporting characters, overlong soliloquys. Most of the characters die.

** "THE GROUND BENEATH HER FEET" by Salman Rushdie **
Love story of Orphic proportions plays out in alternate universe. East-vs-West. Pop culture. Glorious wordplay. Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll. Not as perplexing as "The Satanic Verses".

** "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" by Emily Bronte **
Selfish bitch-cat and angry bastard share passionate love. Bitch-cat marries another man, dies of psychosomatic symbolism. Angry bastard then punishes second generation of already-suffering family.

** "AMERICAN GODS" by Neil Gaiman **
Supposing America itself is essentially godless. Only gods are those immigrants brought, and those that technology created. And they're at war. Imagine our protagonist's surprise.

** "INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Vampire who needs to lighten up tells of his existence with fun-loving man-vampire and frustrated girlchild-vampire. It didn't end happily. Subsequent franchise an unforeseen phenomenon.

** "THE VAMPIRE LESTAT" by Anne Rice **
Supporting character from "Interview" takes over franchise. Proves much more entertaining than predecessor. After he becomes rock star and wakes mother-queen vampire, book ends abruptly.

** "THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED" by Anne Rice **
Mother-Queen vampire wants to destroy world. Other vampires stop her, after lots of filler and background stories given for supporting characters. Much better than movie.

** "THE TALE OF THE BODY THIEF" by Anne Rice **
Lestat body-swaps with trickster human. Hijinks ensue. Order of a sort is restored at end, "It's a Wonderful Life" type themes subverted with impish glee.

** "MEMNOCH THE DEVIL" by Anne Rice **
Demon takes Lestat on crazy ride through Christian theology. Stop paying attention, and you'll be sorry. He's left batshit mad at end, much like reader.

** "THE VAMPIRE PANDORA" by Anne Rice **
Marius' mysterious ex gets to tell her story, beginning in ancient Rome. Little action, lots of philosophical debate. Plodding style oddly fitting with inert character.

** "THE VAMPIRE ARMAND" by Anne Rice **
Marius' other ex gets to tell his story. Italian Renaissance this time. Courtesans, cults, whacky vampiric performance art. Character is greatly developed, highly sympathetic. Surprise ending.

** "VITTORIO THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Imagine a Hammer horror movie told in prose. Tale of vampiric heterosexual love, with Satanic cults and sacred music too. All-new characters introduced to fold.

** "BLOOD AND GOLD" by Anne Rice **
Marius gets to tell his story. Sadly, Rice has already told much of it via other characters. Prose gets tedious. Bookending sequence far more interesting.

The Razor's Edge - W Somerset Maugham
Larry is confused. No, he's enlightened. Drives taxi. Good for him.

Great Expectations
Pip's a twat. Can't get laid.

Thomas The Tank Engine.
Choo choo .... crash. Stupid trains.

Animal Farm
Socialist pigs doublethink.

The Neverending Story
Stuff happens. Story ends.

Illusions - Richard Bach
see title.

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

--- OR ---

Jerry acts like an arsehole, while Una Persson saves the world. Again.

--- OR EVEN ---

Like Austen Powers. But not as funny.

Suicide is preferable to being stalked by obsessed neighbourhood boys

Look at me! I'm Royalty! Now I will kill you all! Mwahahaha! I'm not really evil. Shit, I'm dead. Ghosts and witches are total bastards.

A-AND..... HE'S A VIKING????????????

Look at me! I'm Royalty! Now I will kill you all! Mwahahaha! I'm not really evil. Shit, I'm still alive! Ghosts and witches aren't that bad really.

Old city and old man simultaneously sinks into decadent ruin as mysterious plague and angelic boy simultaneously proves fatal.

Rock & Roll is great. Spike Milligan was a god. Lots of jokes. S**T - publisher's deadline approaching! Cobble together implausible ending. Wink to audience.

Bernard Cornwell's Sharpe series:

Sharpe is gritty. Sharpe hates everyone. Women love Sharpe. War is bad but fun. French are evil. So are rich people. Sharpe, trapped, escapes, wins.

Microsoft Windows Millenium Edition user's manual

Replacement manual page for ping(1M) UNIX command and discussion of ICMP ECHO_REQUEST packet.

It was a dark and stormy night... The end.

Being a test pilot is kinda dangerous, but it would be uncool to say any more.

To avoid the paparazzi, he left the talk show circuit and moved to France with his wife where they raised some kids in relative anonymity.

I love books. Yum.

Dude, I am so f**ked up -- I have this imaginary friend who gives me great advice.

Young man goes west with schoolchums; his death is nothing to write home about.

Drawn-out chase through churches and museums; every twenty pages a bad history lecture breaks out.

Aliens prove life exists on Mars by coming to Earth to try and wipe it out here; they discover they should have started small.

Man thinks evil international pharmaceutical company have killed his wife. They did. They kill him too. He also fails to do any gardening.

I'm mad, I am.

The whole of Ireland's mad.

Still crazy after all these years. And I told you I was ill.

The Russians win.

Literature scholar loses the plot (with commentary).

Freaky psychologist runs into obsessed mother. Kids locked in cage. Horse gets crucified. Guy swimming among corpses for gold. Exactly HOW far can one get?

He speaks in your voice, American. Soon you'll wish I did.

In the bleak New England winter. Sledding crash scarred me and my girl for life! Now we're trapped with crazy wife and her pickle dish.

I was so enthusiast about Mendeleev table, that I became a psychiatrist.

[spero suoni bene, in inglese ;o)]

Or of the bramosia.

The etranger. Albert Camus

No. No. No. Oh, yes alright then.

Lots of people fail to get to Canterbury because they spend too much time talking.

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

(vide supra ;-) )

Giant Walking Deadly Poisonous Plants are a Disaster, don't you know!

Angry customer tries to get revenge on bloodsucking parasitic Real Estate agents, fails.

Moby Dick - Herman Melville:

Bad idea. Turn back now - certain death ahead. Fine, ignore me. Splash. Aargh! Told you so.

Sail Tale
Frail man fails
pale wale prevails

Oh Catherine... Oh Heathcliff. Oh Catherine... Oh Heathcliff! Oh Catherine!! OH HEATHCLIFF!!! OH CATHERINE... you get the idea.

Emancipated, intelligent woman loves a man but is hindered by religion or stupid men!

Kids are gruesome. Fat kids are losers.

Son wakes up, finds himself transformed into a bug, makes family life a hell, than dies. Life goes on.

My name is Robert Jordan. I am noble. Spaniards are cool even though they curse a lot . Cowardice, though, is bad. I mean *real* bad. But -- damn! -- even noble men have to die. So I'll shag that Maria one last time.

If you are in danger, run, it doesn't matter where you are running to. And what the hell does this luggage with feet do?

THE FIRM - Grisham
Young stud goes mafia. Outsmarts everyone. Happy end.

A TIME TO KILL - Grisham
Pisshead wins courtcase.

THE HOBBIT - Tolkien
Diary of a Duke of Edinburgh Award Trip. PS: Little man finds ring

FELLOWSHIP - Tolkien
Another diary of a Duke of Edinburgh Award Trip. More Walking. PS: Little man wants to get rid of ring

TWO TOWERS - Tolkien
Wizard's condo gets flooded.

RETURN OF THE KING - Tolkien
Nutter jumps to death.

JURRASIC PARC - Crichton
Science backfires, badly.

PREY - Crichton
Science backfires, badly, again.

TIMELINE - Crichton
Don't timetravel!

BACK TO THE FUTURE 1-3
You stupid. I told you. Don't timetravel!

PARADISE AND POWER - Kagan
They are nuts, we are nuts. Yippee, let's beat up some Iraqis.

ROMEO AND JULIET - Shakespeare
Two lovers. Lots of crazy shit. Everyone dies. The End.

MATRIX
Sequel to Alice in Wonderland.

Japan 1600. Englishman to learn japanese - else villagepeople ordered dead. Intriguenet between great emperors. Love. Everyone addicted by selfmurder and obedience.

http://www.spiegel.de/spiegel/0,1518,294618,00.html

thats a great idea to summarise novels in 25 words, also very funny.

thx to all of u who have found the time and the effort to contribute some summarasetion to this page.

cu

Claudio

BTW.. is there a "summarize a movie in 25 words" franchise? if not, it would certainly be great...

William Gibson: Neuromancer

Case gets his brain repaired by AI to screw his dead girl inside the Matrix. His new girl enjoys killing people in a stylish way.
_________________________________________

Isaac Asimov: I, Robot

Computers are wonderful because the do what they're told. Humans not so.
_________________________________________

Frank Herbert: Dune

Guy goes into the desert to find he is the messiah everybody is waiting for but discovers he is unable to change anything.

Dune II: He still can't, though he is emperor of the Galaxy
Dune III: Neither can his Children, although they are superhuman.
Dune IV: His son still fails despite becoming a god.
Dune V: Sex doesn't help solving the problem.
Dune IV: Best sex in the universe, neither.

_________________________________________

The Collected Works of Robert A. Heinlein

Real Guys kick sissys around and get the chicks laid, all times ,all universes, except USA, Terra, middle of 20th century.
__________________________________________

Robert Zelazny: The Lord of Light

On a remote planet, Buddha destroys oligarchy of indian gods by allying with alien natives, freeing mankind.
__________________________________________

Larry Niven & Jerry Purnelle: Footfall

Aliens arrive in giant spaceship to conquer Earth but are beaten back by NASA-Shuttles and patriotic americans that support manned space flight.

Everyone has bad thoughts, even kids. Having this emotions under control becomes important.

We evolved from apes, but they were the first who flew to space.

She's married with the wrong man. She loves the wrong one too. She chooses the train.

I killed her. Ooops, I did it again.

Three physicists pretend to be nuts, who pretend to be another great physicists. They murder hospital's stuff to prove their madness. The plan fails.

Jose Arcadio Buendia, Colonel Aureliano Buendia,Ursula Iguaran, Amaranta, Remedios, Renata Remedios, Amaranta Ursula, Jose Arcadio Segundo, Aurelianox17,loads of shagging, killing, amnesia, and pigtails.

Man burns books, reads one, changes mind

Dog turned into man-dog by professer,causes chaos, then turned back into dog again. Parody of Russian Revolution, and how commies are such bastards.

Jewish merchant makes deal, loses deal due to a bit of unfairness. oy! what a world!

Man murdered, murderer murdered by murderer's murdered man's brother. All this set in the beautiful Scottish Highlands.

"Reality sucks. The 50´ies suck. I suck. They suck. We all suck."

Likable but slightly cranky fellow´s wife gets screwed by her brother. Likable but slightly cranky fellow goes out to find his cat and screws brother.

boy gets to work for mobster boss. boy grows older, is a mobster. mobster boss dies. boy (now mobster) finds out who did it.

women are toys. being rude to women is cool and everything is perishable except beer.

Isaac Asimov - Foundation (Trilogy)

Political business-novel. Scientists fighting over aristrocrats in the galaxy to rebuild it faster.

---
Neal Stephenson - Cryptonomicon

Techno-Pop and Cyber-Punk. Six different strands of acting (from WW2 up to today) become one. All about cryptography and political issues. Heavy.

---
Neal Stephenson - Diamond Age

Futuristic cyber-punk. Young girl gets grown up and taught only by an electronic book. Rise and fall of a whole system.

---
Well thats it ;-)

don't fuck the devil... you might find yourself in odessa

only the good survive... do they?

(master and margerita by mikhail bulgakov)

endogamy made me a real good organ player.

better be white...and rich...or move to europe

The Very Hungry Caterpillar - Eric Carle
egg, caterpillar, pupa, butterfly

You're ugly, you're alone, you're thirsty. You're a SON OF A BITCH on shining wheels!

500 Billion years, Entropy wins

war sucks, life in a submarine, too

democracy and justice don't work

Don't mess with gods, or u'll stay on sea

wow, he is (I am) such a clever conqueror!!

sex leads to undead leads to sex

u can fool Satan

life's a loop..

The Third Reich rises at first and then falls *g* Nazis piss off!

Two guys go to Las Vegas where they consume almost any drug known to mankind since 1492. When finished, they leave without getting into any trouble.

harvard symbol-geek searches a dead woman while beeing chased by a weird french o.O

American-style Democracy rulez. Capitalism rulez. Everything else sucks. Free Trade leads to American-style democracy. If it takes Dictatorship to make capitalism happen it´s OK.

Shit, my wife betrays me! Shit, my wife betrays me with a former colleage! Oh shit, both have become evil man-eating nanorobot-slaves! Screw them both!

Let´s go find some intelligent life forms and make first contact. What, they don´t want to? Too bad, then we´ll have to exterminate them all.

Four Astronauts go to Venus. They tell a lot of anecdotes about science. Venus is a dead planet. What the f**k happened here?

Boy becomes Samurai, kills a lot enemies and never gets laid once in the course of 1170 pages even though he had plenty of opportunity.

Stylish Delivery Boy meets stylish Delivery Girl. They save the world. Stylish Delivery Boy gets foxy Hacker Girl. Mafia owes Stylish Delivery Girl a favour.

A guy awakes, regrets it almost instantly for he has turned into a bug while sleeping. Terrorises his family. Gets what he deserves.

"Master and Margarete" by Bulgakov

Never fuck with Mephisto unless you are a good friend of Jesus. Than it'll work out.

"The Name Of The Rose"

Holmes and wAdson hit the middleages, solve the riddle and get rid of the old guy.

Fascists are to be fought. Commies/Republicans are dumb and/or cruel. One can not hinder the fascists to win, only die fighting them.

1. Describe, don't comment
2. Don't try to be smarter that the book you've read.
3. Always imagine your audience doesn't know the book.

hey, that are less than 25 words :-)

Life in Japan: Mom kills self; hates everyone. Life in America: whines about Mom killing self; hates everyone.

It takes me over 1000 pages before I make a decision. Crap, now my best friend wants to kill me.

Fresh Widower faces colour trip by quitting sleeping. Discovers new dimensions. Saves all of them. Abandons new love dying in a pathetic self-sacrifice.

Cock. Arse. Cum. Drugs. Southamerica. Human insects. More cocks. More cum. More drugs. All in a blender.

Writer sexually obsessed by little girls. Marries mother, loves daughter. Mother dies. F**ks daughter. Drives around. Kills daughters secret pedophil lover.

Messina 1600: Two couples like each other but can't show. They find together and the bads are killed or stopped.

"Oi Gandalf! No! Why couldn't the giant eagles have flown us here in the first place?"

Young people frighten nuns.

Best regards,

rs

Man retuns from South America to Europe. By the way f***s own daughter. Meet her mom, notice what he've done.

Lord of The Rings -ha ha!

I think that's the general gist of it... never read it properly. forgot to put it on my list.

1. Describe, don't comment
2. Don't try to be smarter than the book you've read.
3. Always imagine your audience doesn't know the book.

*/quote off*

4. Don't follow any smart ass rules but do as you think it should be done

Young girl, unhappy. Pot, heroin,. Prostitution, finds love. Best friend dies, moves to grandma’s, happy, unhappy, drugs. Back to city more drugs. Carries on living.

"Passionate feelings about young girls especially the one and only child Lolita don't ever let middle-aged Humbert Humbert rest. Pychologically great written in the victim's point of view. Unhappy, open end."

By the way, your forum/thread is mentioned in German DER SPIEGEL... as through the intire world-press I think :-)

Peace, man.
(or)
Don't eat and smile, you're in India.

Man goes OTT concocting story as to why he was late home from the pub.

Southern White Trash break parole and act like idiots but its OK as they're Elvis fans.

Religious stuff. Hysteria. Hope no-one notices the cop-out deus ex machina ending.

The Chrysalids - John Wyndham.

Religious stuff. Hysteria. Hope no-one notices the cop-out deus ex machina ending.

My artistic family's living in ruins. Enter American brothers, heirs.
My selfish sister dazzles both while I scribble deep thoughts and pine in my tower.

Murderer's father befriends victim's father and feels like shit for 320 pages.

Don't let a borderline alcoholic psycho run a hotel built on an Indian graveyard. It's just asking for trouble.

THE CHALLENGING TRUTH ABOUT THE PROPHESIED MESSIAH (JESUS, GOD'S OWN SON), WHO CAME, DIED FOR YOUR SIN, ROSE, WANTS TO TRANSFORM YOU INTO HIS IMAGE.

guy goes for a visit into the mountains, feels a little sick, stays for years.

walking around - nothing much to do - boring other people - why not leave out punctuation at the end, just for fun? It´s art, is it?

Booom, bang, completely distruction wwhoaaar!!!

Groovie man shags groovie ladys. Save the world by shaggin all over.
Behave!

A freaky Austrian describes a stone on 3o pages, the next 100 pages are about the mountain in the back of the little village tomi. a copy of the metamorphosis of Ovid...

First man pursued by crazy second man is understandably annoyed when wife fails to believes him. A hostage situation later the first man realises that even when he's right, he's wrong.

America sucks. So do Mormons.

There is an old man. Old man talks to himself. Catches fish. Talks to fish. Loses fish. Carries mast on his back. Falls asleep (or dies, whichever).

Ernest Hemingway: Did I mention the mast resembles a CROSS?!

La desidero, la cerco, la trovo, la uso.
Mi getta.
Uccido, e scrivo.

Ship sinks. On the lifeboat kid is stuck with tigar, hyena, zebra and orangutan. Lands in Mexico. At the end the animals where actually humans.

Man is fooled by witches. He believes it and kills everybody to become king. People get angry and one very angry man kills him.

Three´witches tell a man, that he will be king of scotland, so he kills the king to be king and gets killed.

Good baldy beats cloned baldy. The android dies.

A depressed and poor man takes political refuge in countryside. he fall in love. the girl have to marry a rich man. he kills himself.

Man gets murdered on a train. A Belgian solves the crime. Everybody has done it.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

He doesn't like anything, only his little sister.

The beginning of a War long awaited. An astounding, awe-inspiring tale of wizards, elves, halflings, fighting for the freedom of a realistic, beautiful, extraordinary world.

--- Paddy, June 19th, 2004

Man's wife disappears, so he decides to follow every lead - even leads into other "dimensions." He learns vague things about the world, little about his wife.

Hole in the ground, put some silver in !
Bell is finished, ring, ring, ring !

Dream: "I'm the bee's knees."
Others: "No you're not."
"Damn -guess I'll just have to kill myself then."

(I know, technically they're graphic novels and not novels but, come on, let's not allow ourselves to be, um, stifled by restrictive and arbitrary labels!...)

Wagner meets Warhammer?

Dodgy spy bullies tailor, gets told rubbish, shags tailors wife, starts war, nicks all the cash, runs away. Little people don't matter in espionage game.

E (Matt Beaumont)
Advertising staff spend all time drinking, inhaling, shagging. When company goes tits-up, older responsible staff get sacked. How very post modern?

Don't fear the reaper.

Many people on boat. Having alighted, chaos and debauchery ensues. Many people meet again under doubtful circumstances. War begins. Youth are irrevocably changed. Fini.

Man wanders round a city. Everyone is confused.

Psychiatrist has a lot of sex, takes a lot of cocaine and realizes his girlfriend is really evil. He's sad.

Psychiatrist has a lot of sex, takes some cocaine and realizes Trevor Lucas is sick. He's exhausted.

Megalomanic teacher introduces national socialism to school, gets dicator and loses control.

The man fights the wolf. The wolf fights the man. They discover that there are many more to fight against.

Young man discovers that goose-stepping morons like him ought to be reading books instead of burning them.

Be a shepard. Have a wet dream. Travel. Make money. Learn how to summon a sandstorm. Understand nothing. Return home. Good book.

Spoiled brat decides to die. She doesn't. The end. Good book.

Promising film maker hangs out with various historical figures and is captured in the First World War. Talent is greatly under-appreiciated by all, and he fails to live up to his potential.

Any Human Heart - William Boyd

Promising writer hangs out with various historical figures and is captured in the Second World War. Talent is greatly under-appreiciated by all, and he fails to live up to his potential.

Don't become too interested in fish or you might turn into one.

The Dispossessed - Ursula Le Guin

Anarchy sucks. Capitalism sucks harder.

Well-bred New Orleans stock-broker experiences existential crisis, hooks up with step-cousin.

Even my midlife crisis is mundane.