Book Warning Signs: A List

Things that set off flashing warning lights and alarm sounds in your brain when looking at a book...

1. Fay Weldon blurb quotes
2. Novel written by well-known comedian
3. Women's shoes on cover
4. Novel with a photo of the author on the front cover

5. "The best book I've read all year!" - Larry King, CNN

6. "...relevant..." in the blurbage.

6. "An exceptional work of..." – Stephen King
7. Portions of this book appeared in a New Yorker short story, entitled Gerunding the Noun
8. Found in the business section under 'Management'.
9. By Malcolm Gladwell
10. Black cover with white art and flecks of blood.
11. Described as "quirky" or "edgy" on the jacket.
12. Printed by McSweeney's.
13. Synopsis or teaser text in dust jacket leaves you extremely confused about what the book is.
14. Trying very hard to look "literary" when it's really just D-grade misery lit.

15. Photos of leaves on the cover.

available at wal-mart

16^

17. or CVS

pro tip: Costco sometimes has /good/ books in their bargain bins.

18. Debut novel of more than 600 pages

19. Book is by someone under 25, about the Holocaust

20. Author's name all in lowercase.

21. bright teal

22. Faux Dave McKean design. It's not as prevalent as it once was, but it's still around...

23. Invocation of "William Burroughs" and/or the term "transgressive" in the blurbage.

24. Title and/or author's name written ala ransom note.

25. Use of the phrase "The literary equivalent of..." in the blurbage.

26. Cupcakes on the cover of a book that is not a cookbook. This is exponentially worse if the cupcake holds a lit candle atop it. Mind you, it will always contain a lit candle.

27. Title and author written in cursive, typically against a white, pink, or light blue background.

28. Oprah Book Club
29. Helvetica in books published after 1968

30. Embossed letters

25. Use of the phrase "The literary equivalent of..." in the blurbage.

― I can't wait to understand these arguments! (R Baez), Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:35 PM Bookmark

Similarly, "____ meets _____"

32. Static-y television on the cover.

33. Spilled wine glass on the cover.

34. Use of well known surrealist image on the cover - typically "The Persistence of Memory" or that Man Ray photo of the girl with perfect spheres of liquid for tears.

35. Neon colors

Xp My copy of the The Time Machine had dechirico. I have a guy davenport book that has a cover of unsettling, statuesque, all-gray picasso figures. Think good books are just as likely to use cheaply licensed art.

You guys hate chick lit, huh.

Not xp: the vintage phil dick reissues are all neony. Think if buy enough books some good ones will break a lot of these rules. I should just try to think of my own deal breakers.

if ^you buy

yeah actually I have a copy of Yevgeni Zamyatin's "We" that's neon orange. maybe sci-fi is the exception.

There are always exceptions to the rule. But there's no denying that certain trends repeatedly pop up in terms of design.

You guys hate chick lit, huh

Not exactly, but if it's obvious chick lit that looks like 1000000 other chick lit books...

I've become skeptical of anything with a Gary Shytengart blurb on it. That dude's a whore.

i hate chick lit. there, i said it.

37. "The next X" where X usually = just-readable, got-lucky author

and in a not unrelated vein:

38. when the cover caught your eye, it took a couple of seconds to realise this wasn't The Da Vinci Code

39. "Martin Amis makes a dazzling return to form"

40. "JOHN BANVILLE writing as ... John Banville"

41. "Teeming with faulty magic carpets, depressive djinns, feisty beautiful princesses and wisecracking servants, the new novel from the author of 'Booker of Bookers' Midnight's Children will enchant, delight and provoke laughter and tears in equal measure"

42. "Selected by Paul Coelho"

42. COLLECTION OF ESSAYS: FAMOUS AUTHOR*

* edited by famous author

ha xp

20. Author's name all in lowercase.

― I can't wait to understand these arguments! (R Baez), Wednesday, January 19, 2011 3:01 AM (6 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Not a fan of e.e. cummings, then?

I was going to say that I can't really think of anything that would *always* put me off (aside from 'by x, where x = hated author), but then there must be something about the design/marketing of those books that always get advertised in railway stations, which pretty much invariably make me feel sick and depressed. Can't think it through right now, so I'll just go

43. Advertised in railway stations

would've said something snide about favourable quotes from that insipid anti-writer N. Hornby but he managed to get himself on the paperback of A Fan's Notes so he's not always associated with evil shite.

43. Advertised in railway stations

was just gonna say, 'large posters on the tube'

44. The true story of...

45. Tragic Life Stories

this thread could potentially make for a good book imo

46. I think Jonathan Safran Foer wrote a preface for a recent volume of Bruno Schulz stories — in any other case I wouldn't touch anything with his name on it

47. submarine or fighter plane on cover

aka the "if Jeremy Clarkson likes this then I won't" rule

48. commoners are seen reading it

49. was actually published in paperback (ugh)

50. has a cover with images on it (disgusting)

51. Cited by David Brooks

52. some celebrity or author that i'm intellectually above wrote a blurb for it (on par with the holocaust)

53. has some semblance of a story (who they think i am, a cretin?)

54. does not jibe with my carefully constructed self-image

55. uses a font to which i am aesthetically opposed (i have important opinions! about fonts!)

lol n/a is writing a classic Talking Heads song.

56. is actually a book (who reads books? this is 2011)

57. has "words" on "pages"

I've become skeptical of anything with a Gary Shytengart blurb on it. That dude's a whore.

kinda feel the same way about lorrie moore blurbs

58. It's blurbed by William Gibson -- I think for a while there his desire to help new authors in the genre overwhelmed any critical review.

15. Photos of leaves on the cover.

I loled at this, and remembered what a buddy says about poetry: "I hate it. It's about falling leaves and shit."

Does anyone have that hi-brow vs low-brow book "rules for book design" thing?? Used to but lost it, I fear.

59. The (x)'s (y)

x = whatever it is the man does
y = "Wife/Daughter/etc"

possible exception = the time traveler's wife (people tell me it's actually amazing?)

I keep hearing that too

60. another historical detective novel (a relative reads these exclusively)

lighten up n/a

you're bruising my carefully cultivated image

after flipping through the book, you realize that 90% of the text is upside down or interestingly laid out to form pictures of farm animals or within diagrams

Not a fan of e.e. cummings, then?

Not a fan of editors who erroneously style E.E. Cummings's name in lowercase, more like. [/pedant]

has a blurb from a magazine

is covered in feces

is more than I would say 10 to 15 dollars I don't know I haven't bought a new book in a while

65. Has a cover exactly like a more popular book that you enjoyed

A title of the form "The X and the Y", where X and Y are completely disparate things. (Applies to nonfiction.)

The Yogi and the Commissar
The Starship and the Canoe
The Quark and the Jaguar

66. Booker prize nominee + in every charity shop ever

67. It is a textbook

69. Initial publicity describes it as a sensation

70. novel whose author's fame derives from a previous career

71. book is hollowed out, filled with poisonous spiders

it is not a book, but instead, a hat

73. author describes self as an author

74. book is actually a contract, the reading thereof legally requiring you to rub semen on your eyeballs

#74 was my problem with so much of Foucault's writings

75. blurbs from authors including stephen king, jonathan safran foer, gary steyngart, and lorrie moore, each describing the book as "a turd"

75. Author's name on cover is over 30% of the height of the book

the time traveller's turd

http://www.moleskinerie.com/images/2007-small/04/11/wooden_world.jpg

^^^76

77. Title includes a slash ("/")

78. publicity based around size of author's advance

79. 'a satire'

80. book has another book's title on the cover in almost-as-large or larger type

       The Epiphany And The Cosmonaut
essays selected by Paulo Coelho the author of
                THE ALCHEMIST

81. Only blurbs that appear are single words or short phrases from generic reviewers or minor newspapers

"Readable" - Kirkus Reviews
"Fast-Paced" - Fort Worth Star-Telegram

82. upon flicking through, large parts of the text are revealed to be emails or screenshots

possible exception = the time traveler's wife (people tell me it's actually amazing?)

― omar little, Wednesday, January 19, 2011 12:18 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I keep hearing that too

― Gus Van Sotosyn (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Wednesday, January 19, 2011 12:23 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

It's a decent light read, not amazing IMO.

83. Cover features any of the following:

Giant skull or skull-like design
Pool of blood
Something in telescopic sight crosshairs
Beautiful woman elegantly dressed and holding gun

84. The Poetry of *****, where ***** is a popular, well-known novelist who has published a large number of novels over a couple of decades, most of which sold well or were critically acclaimed, or both, but never, to your knowledge, has this author ever published a single word of poetry prior to the appearance of this book. Examples: John Updike, Norman Mailer, Anne Rice.

The same applies, but with treble force, to a book of poetry by anyone in the entertainment industry.

85. Photo of upturned hands, especially a child's.
86. Fishnet legs.

Surely Updike has been writing poetry since about WWII

or whatever the tense is for a dead person - he DID write poetry for many decades, I'm sure, and presumably published it in the New Yorker etc

87. naked torso of a man

88. a kind of title I really don't like cos it's become so generic and easy: Present Participle + Noun

Loving Nelson
Losing the Dead
Leaving Rick Astley
Being Amy Valentine

Becoming Strangers
Gathering the Water
Crossing the Lines
Sexing the Cherry

Wuthering Heights

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_E-XA0dpYv5Y/TUnCzAVmwDI/AAAAAAAAAGE/jXqYGnaI3_s/s1600/New+Image.JPG

A BOOK about the west Cumbrian shootings has been branded as ‘cashing in on tragedy’ by friends of two of the victims.
(c) CN Group
CONTROVERSY: Dorothy and John Morgan from Lindal, who believe Clare Leigh’s new book about gunman Derrick Bird is ‘cashing in’ on last summer’s tragic shootings

Lindal couple Dorothy and John Morgan were former neighbours and employers of James and Jennifer Jackson, who were gunned down by 52-year-old Derrick Bird as he carried out his shooting spree last summer.

Mrs Morgan said she found it sad and heartless that someone had written a book when feelings were still so raw among communities.

John Blake Publishing Ltd say Massacre in Cumbria: The Day Gunman Derrick Bird Brought Terror to the Lake District by Clare Leigh is a serious investigative book.

A synopsis of the £7.59 book on the Waterstones website says: “On Wednesday 2nd June 2010, the villages and towns of West Cumbria awoke to an ordinary sunny day.

“Hours later, 12 people lay dead and 11 more were wounded after taxi driver Derrick Bird embarked on a terrifying killing spree.

“This is the tragic story of one of Britain’s most shocking criminal atrocities.”

Robert G. Kenny - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Massacre in Cumbria (Paperback)
What can you say about this book, other than no one will ever find the reasons or the full truth behind these sad shootings of innocent people.

The-Cobra - See all my reviews
This review is from: Massacre in Cumbria (Paperback)
OK book, A few things get repeated throughout, which I believe is to fill pages. Its basically everything that was in the newspapers and on news channels, so nothing new was really inside. Still its a good read, but not what I thought it was going to be.

Urgh