150 COMPLETELY TRUE FACTS ABOUT AMERICA

2. Many people get confused and think that Benjamin Franklin was Americas 3rd president, which is false. He was in fact our one hundredth president, which explains why he is on the $100 bill.

RR, please feel free to use this invaluable study guide to prepare for your citizenship test.

3. all women in america have a secretly huge rack.

3b. if a woman does not have a secretly huge rack, a secretly huge rack will be appointed for them in a court of law.

4. The mid-west is nowhere near the middle of the west WTFTWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFTWFTWFTWFTWFTWF????????????

5. When singing "America The Beautiful", the lyric sheet includes the line "except for many parts of kansas and a significant portion of detroit" to be sung in a whispered, inaudible tone.

6. Most Southern women feel slighted if not greeted with "Giddyap, li'l darlin'!" accompanied by a firm slap on the behind.

7. Mountain folks hide treasure in their gums.

8. Los Angeles and San Francisco are actually the same city.

9. if you build it, they will come. therefore, don't build ANYTHING because you will be overwhelmed with comers.

10. The Eskimos do not have 30 different words for "snow". This confusion was caused by the fact that the Eskimos do have 29 different words for "please stop asking me questions about snow, i have a lot of things i need to get done today."

11. A bird in the bush is worth $3.75 after taxes.

12. My messiahdom has been enshrined in law.

13. the lovers among us call it AMOURICA

12a. Legally enshrined messiah Ned Raggett has 6 arms. or penises. I forget.

14. Methodists attend their church services topless. Bring a camera!

12b. Legally enshrined messiah Ned Raggett has 6 penises where his arms should be. Be very careful when shaking "hands".

15. vegans are allowed to eat hot dogs on the 4th of july

16. If you can knock of the President's "secret" toupee, you win free pomade for life.

17. every time an American working in the service industry says "Have a nice day!", an illegal immigrant dies.

18. Some conservatives think that government-sponsored volunteerism is akin to slavery.

19. americans are not here to make money, they just love selling guns

20. smiling has been illegal in america since 9/12/2001

21. The Electoral College system is a corruption of Electoral Cabbage system, as until 1876 Presidential votes were weighted according to the tonnage of cabbage produced in each state during election year.

22. There isn't really a Mountain Time Zone.

23. if an all-you-can-eat turns into an all-you-can-steal, the restaurant proprietor can only legally blame himself.

24. Canada is not a state. It is actually part of the Virgin Islands.

25. dollar coins are not legal tender. FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY

22b. There is, however, a Mountain Dew Time Zone, the location of which is determined according to a yearly online vote, in which the time is always "Taco Bell Fourth Meal O'Clock".

26. arkansas is pronounced 'our kansas'

27. Prohibition ended following the Supreme Court's discovery of the words YAH TRICK YAHHHH in really small print at the end of the 18th amendment.

i take a strict literalist interpretation of "YAH TRICK YAHHHH"

BLACK SCALIÉ

28. At one point, the constitution had 74 amendments, but many of these were discarded when it was discovered that Strom Thrumond had scrawled them on the bill of rights with a sharpie after a week-long mint julep bender.

29. The Department of Homeland Security's national threat level is Elevated, or Yellow. If the national threat level ever gets to Severe, or Red, all citizens will be issued coupons for a free two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.

30. The Vending Machine Bear Claw is America's national fruit.

31. The State Bird of Wisconsin is the oven-ready chicken.

http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/obesity/trend/maps/animated_map_slides/map22.jpg

FATTEYS

26b. Kansas is pronounced "neh-BRASS-kuh".

33. The residents of the white house are merely special needs figureheads used to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of security. The country is actually run from a late-googie structure in Hawaii that covers massive hangers, workshops, and launching silos, including one under a swimming pool from which airforce 3 is launched when necessary. As you may have suspected, all presidents are indeed controlled by supermarionation.

^^^treason

they'll get you, my pretty

34. no one is gay in america

34a. Except for those really, really gay people.

35b. LIKE SAN FRANCISCO

35c. AND UTAH

35d. which is actually part of san franciso, and thus by the transitive property of location in fact los angeles as noted above.

36. In America, 36 = 7^2.

37. Florida did not exist until 1960 when it was dredged up from the Gulf of Mexico by Walt Disney.

38. NEVER SPEAK OF FLORIDA

38b. UNLESS IT IS IN THE CONTEXT OF "MAUDE" OR "GOOD TIMES"

39. Saltwater Taffy is actually black tar heroin made chewy and tasty 4 U

ysi?

40. when america says "welcome to america" on the signs in the international terminal, it doesn't mean it-- it has to say that.

41. If you tune in to the static between analog television stations and cross your eyes just right, it turns into a magic eye portrait of Jeff Gordon putting Francois Mitterand into a punishing figure four leglock.

42. "Twinkie" is a childish version of the correct "Twink" - make sure you ask for the latter when you're craving a sweet treat full of cream.

43. Bread is full of sugar, orange juice is full of sugar and sugar is filled with extra sugary sugar.

44. Bruce Springsteen was one of the dudes that signed the Declaration of Independence.

45. Putting a yellow symbol on your SUV symbolizes your belief that "we should lynch all those damn yellow coward French with a big ass ribbon!"

46. The traditional thanksgiving meal is not turkey. It is musk melon injected with beef bouillon. The turkey myth was started by Norman Rockwell who was unable to properly execute a melon in his famous painting, “Freedom from Want”.

Only you and Norman Rockwell would think about melon executions.

47. Bob Vila is contractually obligated to finish the basement of every home in America.

48. All food in all grocery stores is free on Tuesdays. Simply fill your basket up with food and then walk out the front doors. If the police show up, they are not there to arrest you, but to escort safely to your home.

I've always wondered what ass ribbons were for.

49. The right to air conditioning was ratified in 1961 in the 27th Amendment to the US Constitution.

50. Babe Ruth invented Big League Chew

50a. Americans are born with brown spit. In some people, the brown color disappears after puberty.

51. American yeast extract spread is made by Miniwax.
http://www.viewpoints.com/images/review/2007/303/14/1193774362-86744_full.jpg

52. Budweiser is the best beer in the world.

53. In the Midwest, you can get a black belt just for watching "Big Trouble In Little China" ten times.

54. Rhode Island retained the right on union to declare war and peace separately from the rest of the US. Owing to diplomatic incompetance the state is still at war with the Barbary States and Japan.

I like Budweiser. I like light American-style light lagers. And pilsners. Shit, I'll gladly drink a Hamms.

Oh shit, now that damn song is stuck in my head.

55. In America, women receive equal salaries as men who do the same job.

56. The plot to "Weird Science" was based on a real incident that occurred in Fontana, California in 1981.

57. The reason dried grapes are called raisins in America rather than sultanas is because Americans are always getting raises. Plus 9/11.

58. There are no homeless people in America, just lots and lots of extraordinarily dedicated method actors.

59. To avoid any embarrassing bedroom faux pas, remember that most Americans are raised to prefer anal sex.

60. On the census, the only options under "race" are:
1) American
2) Asshole

61. Cupcakes are meant to be eaten with a straw.

62. In America, it's considered rude to share a pizza.

63. Due to prison overcrowding, those yellow school buses you see are actually full of violent criminals.

64. It is considered rude if you do not greet women from the northeast by punching them firmly in the left breast.

65. In a rush-hour subway car, don't sit on peoples' laps - stand on their feet instead. They'll thank you for it!

66. New Mexico has the lowest birth rate of any state - only one child every three years.

67. Toronto is actually part of the United States.

68. All freshwater swimming has been outlawed.

69. If a policeman pulls you over to the side of the road in America, don't stay in the car. You will be shot if you do.

70. Stop signs with a white border around them are optional.

71. Most Americans retain vestigial claws that will unsheath in "fight or flight" situations.

72. The best way to express appreciation for a meal in polite company is ostentatiously loud flatulence.

That actually is true, though.

73. The reason states now have two letter, rather than three letter, mail code abbreviations, is because Johnson & Johnson, who own the state of Kentucky, pushed hard for it as a marketing move.

74. Most American states are divided into sections called "counties" except for Alaska which uses districts and Louisiana which uses "fun zones".

75. In America bands do not do encores. They do Freedom ComeBackOnStages.

76. Motor vehciles are outlawed in Wyoming. Citizens travel around the state on an extensive raised monorail network.

77. Hitchhikers are always psychotic killers, but as long as you are properly armed with a semiautomatic weapon (issued to every citizen on their 8th birthday), you are safe picking them up.

77a. It is also permitted to just run them over with the car, seeing as they're all psychotic killers (or incredibly dedicated method actors; see #58).

77b. If they turn out to be incredibly dedicated method actors, you need merely to learn method acting yourself to be found innocent in a court of law.

78. In America, taxi drivers are allowed to ticket other motorists, and are responsible for conducting all remedial driving courses.

79. The area formerly known as Nebraska has been converted into a very large lasagna, designed to honor America's Hero and the first recipient of five Purple Hearts, Garfield.

80. We actually made up WWII just to fuck with the Australians. Sorry about Borneo. Those were animatronics, not Japanese.

81. In accordance with Executive Order 165, a pledge of unwavering loyalty to the bloodthirsty spirit of Wilford Brimley is required to obtain U.S. Citizenship and/or a concealed weapons license.

82. but we do cry tears about you guys ever night over gallipoli

83. Folding the American flag in precisely the right manner will reveal the secret image hidden in its pattern: tubgirl

84. "Do you know the way to San Jose?" is a code-phrase for "I would like to purchase a gallon bucket of crystal meth, can you oblige me?"

85. Wearing white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day will earn you a $500 fine in some parts of the Midwest. In the South, the penalty is constant snide commentary and denial of pie.

86. Paradoxically, there is no denial of pie in the South.

87. Wives give their husbands blowjobs in exchange for approval to buy an iPhone.

88. http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2146/2507538904_c2390122c4_m.jpg

89. All Americans know the secret of steel.

90. For every bison, there is an equal and opposite anti-bison.

91. If there is a queue longer than one hundred people or two hours, you are required to dress up as Chewbacca or the dude from Halo.

91a. If the queue is longer than 1000 people or 20 hours, you are required to dress up as the love child of Chewbacca and the dude from Halo.

http://www.forkandsaltshaker.com/content/wp-content/photos/450pxAstronaut_nowak.jpg

92. On surveys requesting religious denomination, there is a box marked "Led Zeppelin".

they came westward from the holy land

This thread is wonderful! If only I had known all these things in advance. You're very lucky RR!

93. There's a light over at the Frankenstein place.
93a. There's a light burning in the fireplace.
93b. There's a light; a light in the darkness of everybody's life.

94. Pantless is the new black. Fez used to be the new black, but the mini-cars made everybody look fat.
94b. Blowjobs is the new patriotism.

95. Right now, as we speak, somewhere in America a 16-year-old boy is buying a car for $250, the upkeep and insurance of which will cost 370% of his income for the next 5 years.

96. You can animate your tattoos for five US dollars extra

97. El Tomboto is in charge.

^^ I'm not sure if this one is true but I would err on the side of caution.

98. North Dakota once dissapeared for over five years without anyone noticing.

99. Kentucky Fried Chicken is the state bird of Kentucky, Arkansas, and New Jersey.

100. Idaho is painted entirely white every year.

-- Classified as a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm or a class 5 full roaming vapor.
-- In the five years from "Ghostbusters" to "Ghostbusters II," he got considerably fatter.
-- Ate Louis Tully's lunch.
-- Drove Louis Tully to the Manhattan Museum of Art on a New York City public bus.

well done. visitors to our magnificent country might want to clip this out of the internet and carry it in their back pocket for reference.

I thought it was understood,
I would prefer Charles to be in charge of me.

101. The border between North and South states, i.e. North and South Dakota and North and South Carolina, is known as "the Mason-Dixon line." Some use this term to refer to the border between Virginia and West Virginia as well, but this is historically inaccurate.

title edit for glorious future

102. In Alabama, listening to Neil Young is a Class 5 Felony; the Class 5 category was created solely for this crime and carries with it the punishment of Death By Skynyrd.

103. Lobster dogs are giant beetles native to the upper Midwest that burrow in the ice and hibernate in in the summer. A regional delicacy, they are deep-fried in cornmeal. One species of pig is particularily adept at locating the hibernating lobster dog. Lobster dog pigs are always named Nils, after the Fin who brought the deep-fried delicacy to the Worlds Fair in 1893.

104. Tax deductions are given to people whose permanent residence is a treehouse.

105. Employment in the United States Postal Service, while originally concentrated among families descended from riders of the Pony Express, today requires passage of a difficult civil service examination, including an ethics exam. The exam may be taken only once, and outraged, even violent, responses to failure are popularly referred to as 'going postal'.

106. In the Commonwealth of Florida, also known as the Sunbeam State, it is a Class B felony to cook a lobster by means other than boiling.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/08/us/08brfs-LOBSTERPOACH_BRF.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=poaching%20lobsters&st=cse&oref=slogin