This is the thread where KBP attempts to read "The Game"

http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/4637/thegameib.jpg

I'm afraid that I'll probably die from excessive :rolleyes: by chapter three but we'll see how we go.

oh god he starts off by quoting Dostoevsky

how fucking undergrad is that

There were five of us living in the house: Herbal, Mystery, Papa, Play¬
boy, and me. Boys and men came from every corner of the globe to shake
our hands, take photos with us, learn from us, be us.

uh that's a bit gay

The sofas and dozens of throw pillows lining the floor of the sunken
living room were fetid and discolored with the sweat of men and the juices
of women.

the juices of women

the juices of women

As in juices that young females enjoy from those fancy juice shops, like say a tropical blend of watermelon and orange?

The sofas and dozens of throw pillows lining the floor of the sunken
living room were fetid and discolored with the sweat of men and the juices
of women.

http://grapegate.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/ed-gein.jpg

ahhhhhhhhhh :(

I am a deep man—I reread James
Joyce's Ulysses every three years for fun.

braggin

Ed Gein looks a lot like Neil Innes
http://www.nndb.com/people/968/000034866/neil-innes-sized.jpg

I am a deep man—I reread James
Joyce's Ulysses every three years for fun.

JJ says the same about 'the game'

swears by it

James Joyce looks a lot like Lembit Opik, so I don't think he needs it.

I would take a Lembit Opik version of "The Game" seriously, especially the chapters on how to seduce women by getting drunk and talking asteroids.

I went on the
road with Marilyn Manson and Motley Crue to write books with them. In
all that time, with all those backstage passes, I didn't get so much as a single
kiss from anyone except Tommy Lee.

I see, the problem is this guy has HIGH STANDARDS.

I withdrew five hundred dollars from the bank, stuffed it into a white enve¬
lope, and wrote Mystery on the front. It was not the proudest moment of
my life.

wow just wow

what?

But I had dedicated the last four days to getting ready for it anyway-
buying two hundred dollars worth of clothing at Fred Segal, spending an
afternoon shopping for the perfect cologne, and dropping seventy-five
bucks on a Hollywood haircut. I wanted to look my best; this would be my
first time hanging out with a real pickup artist.

A HOLLYWOOD HAIRCUT

what was the $500 for? a prostitutesex worker called mystery?

don't tell me the secret to picking up women is with A HOLLYWOOD HAIRCUT

Then, in October, he decided to put a price on himself and posted the fol¬
lowing:
Mystery is now producing Basic Training workshops in several cities around
the world, due to numerous requests. The first workshop will be in Los Ange¬
les from Wednesday evening, October 10, through Saturday night. The fee is
$500 (U.S.). This includes club entry, limo for four evenings (sweet huh?),
an hour lecture in the limo each evening with a thirty-minute debriefing at
the end of the night, and finally three-and-a-half hours per night in the field
(broken up into two clubs per night) with Mystery. By the end of Basic
Training, you will have approached close to fifty women.

(sweet huh?)

I think he would have been better off with the sex worker, you would have some money left over for a limo.

My pockets bulged with the
supplies Mystery had instructed every student to bring: a pen, a notepad, a
pack of gum, and condoms.

"is that a condom in your pocket or... oh, right."

"Why, no, it's a stick of gum, heh heh...oh, and, er, condoms..."

As we waited for the other students, Mystery threw a manila envelope
full of photographs in my lap.
"These are some of the women I've dated," he said.

In the folder was a spectacular array of beautiful women: a headshot of
a sultry Japanese actress; an autographed publicity still of a brunette who
bore an uncanny resemblance to Liv Tyler; a glossy picture of'a Penthouse Pet
of the Year; a snapshot of a tan, curvy stripper in a negligee who Mystery
said was his girlfriend, Patricia; and a photo of a brunette with large silicone
breasts, which were being suckled by Mystery in the middle of a nightclub.

These were his credentials.

http://badexample.mu.nu/archives/fbi.JPG

a photo of a brunette with large silicone
breasts, which were being suckled by Mystery in the middle of a nightclub.

sounds like a class act.

"I was able to do that by not paying attention to her breasts all night,"
he explained when I asked about the last shot.

not paying attention to "large silicone breasts", to be precise

These were his credentials.

But wait until you see his testimonials.

do that

It's called the Mystery Method because I'm Mystery
and it's my method.

seriously there's pages of this shit

Mystery loved theories.

Almost as much as methods.

Peacock theory is the idea that in order to at¬
tract the most desirable female of the species, it's necessary to stand out in
a flashy and colorful way. For humans, he told us, the equivalent of the
fanned peacock tail is a shiny shirt, a garish hat, and jewelry that lights up
in the dark—basically, everything I'd dismissed my whole life as cheesy.

[insert your favourite Cape-related joke here, guys and girls]

"Say this
when you see a group with a girl you like. 'Hey, it looks like the party's over
here.' Then turn to the girl you want and add, 'If I wasn't gay, you'd be so
mine.'"

WITH A LISP, SURELY

I was ready to leave. But then I saw Mystery approach the people in the
corner. They were sitting on opposite couches across a glass table. The men
were on one side. One of them was Scott Baio, the actor best known for
playing Chachi on Happy Days.

It was the only poem I've ever at¬
tempted in my life. It was written in eleventh grade, and I never showed it to
anyone.

SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
BY NEIL STRAUSS

oh god no

When your own hand becomes your best lover,
When your life-giving fertilizer is wasted
In a Kleenex and flushed down the toilet
You wonder when you are going to stop
Thinking about what could have happened
That night when you almost got somewhere.

There is the coy one who smiles
And looks like she wants to meet you,
But you can't work up the nerve to talk.
So instead she will become one of your nighttime
Fantasies, where you could have but didn't.
Your hand will be substituted for hers.

oh you have got to be kidding me

Well at least you're not going to have to buy any toilet paper this week.

neil strauss basically ended up being the IRL version of the film crew in 'man bites dog' w/r/t this shit.

Out of all the potential pickup artists in the world, I couldn't believe
that Mystery was choosing me. He must not know that many people.

That night, I called Mystery in Toronto, where he was living with his
parents, his two nieces, his sister, and her husband.
"Hey, buddy," Mystery said when he answered. "I'm bored out of my
mind here."
"I find that hard to believe."
"Well, it's raining and I want to go out. But I have no one to go out with
and no clue where to go." He paused to tell his nieces to shut up. "I'll prob¬
ably just get some sushi alone."

dude didn't you pay this guy $$$$$ FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS $$$$$

"Can't you go out with Patricia?" I asked. Patricia was Mystery's girl¬
friend, the one pictured in her negligee in his pickup resume.

"She's mad at me," he said. Mystery had met Patricia four years ago,
when she was fresh off the boat from Romania. He tried to mold her into
his ideal girl—he talked her into getting a boob job, giving him blow jobs
(which she'd never done before), and taking a job as a stripper—but she
drew the line at bisexuality.

For Mystery, this was a dealbreaker.

oic

"I want to be loved by two women," he said. "I want a blonde 10 and an
Asian 10, who will love each other as much as they love me. And Patricia's
heterosexuality is affecting my sex life with her, because unless I imagine
another girl there, I can't always keep my boner."

its called VIAGRA you idiot

Nobody wants to sleep with a writer.
They're at the bottom of the social ladder.

http://cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/737x1500/192x62/348x218/0/2284082870538210046.jpeg

I fucked her and fucked her and fucked her and fucked her and fucked her
and fucked her.

This book could really use some editing.

The prop bag I wore to the Belgrade workshop was black, Armani, and the
size of a hardcover novel, with a single shoulder strap so that it could be
slung artfully across my torso. With so many magic tricks, gimmicks, and
other tools of the trade necessary to use in the field, it was impossible to fit
everything into just four pants pockets. So nearly every PUA in the game
had a prop bag. The contents of mine were as follows:

1 PACK OF GUM, WRIGLEY'S BIG RED
No matter how good your game is, you're not going to get a kiss-
close if your breath reeks.

1 PACK OF CONDOMS, TROJAN, LUBRICATED
Necessary not only in case you have sex but also for the psycho¬
logical boost of knowing you're prepared to.

1 PENCIL, 1 PEN
For writing down phone numbers, taking notes, performing
magic tricks, and analyzing handwriting.

1 PIECE OF DRYER LINT
For the lint opener: Walk up to a woman, stop, wordlessly remove
lint (hidden in the palm of your hand) from her clothing, ask,
"How long has that been there?," then hand her the piece of lint.

1 ENVELOPE OF PRESELECTED PHOTOS
For Mystery's photo routine.

1 DIGITAL CAMERA
For Mystery's digital photo routine: First take a photo of yourself
and a girl smiling, then another one striking a serious pose, and,
finally, one kissing (on the cheek or lips). Afterward, look through
the photos with her. At the final photo, say, "We make a good cou¬
ple, don't we?" If she agrees, you're in.

1 BOX OF TIC TAGS
For the Tic Tac routine: Put two Tic Tacs in your hand. Eat one
very slowly. Then feed the second one to her. If she accepts it, say,
"There's something I forgot to tell you. I'm an Indian giver. I want
my Tic Tac back." Then kiss her.

LIP BALM, COVERUP, EYELINER, BLOTTING PAPER
Optional male makeup.

CHEAT SHEET, THREE PAGES
One page of favorite routines for quick reference. Two pages of
new routines and lines to practice.

1 SET OF WOODEN RUNES IN CLOTH BAG
For rune readings.

1 NOTEBOOK
For phone numbers, notes, magic tricks, and Ross Jeffries's crappy
sketch artist opener, in which you very seriously draw a portrait of
a girl, tell her "your beauty has inspired me to high art," and then
show her a stick figure with a title like, "Semipretty Girl in Coffee
Shop, 2005."

1 KRYPTOLIGHT NECKLACE
Glow in the dark necklace, for peacocking.

2 SETS OF FAKE EAR AND LIP PIERCINGS
Optional body adornment.

1 SMALL DIGITAL RECORDER
For surreptitiously recording sarges to play back and critique
afterward.

2 SPARE CHEAP NECKLACES, 2 SPARE THUMB RINGS
To give to girls as gifts after a number-close. Ask, "You're not a
thief, are you?" Then slowly remove your necklace or thumb ring,
put it on her, kiss her, and say, "This is still mine. It's something
to remember me by. I want it back next time I see you." After she
leaves, replace your jewelry with a spare from the bag.

1 SMALL BLACKLIGHT
For pointing out lint and dandruff on girls' clothing—a neg.

4 SAMPLE BOTTLES OF DIFFERENT COLOGNES
For smelling good. And for the cologne opener: Spritz a different
cologne on each wrist. Then have a girl smell your wrists and
choose a favorite. Afterward, mark her choice on the appropriate
wrist with a pen. Tally the results at the end of the night to find
the best scent for yourself.

VARIOUS MAGIC TRICKS
For bending forks, making cigarettes vanish, and levitating beer
bottles.

I'd be annoyed if someone pointed out I had lint on my clothes!!

also: 1 KRYPTOLIGHT NECKLACE, 2 SETS OF FAKE EAR AND LIP PIERCINGS

The party was a disaster. Ross couldn't handle himself around classy
people. He spent most of the night thinking he was flirting by acting as if he
were my gay lover and crawling on all fours behind Carmen Electra, pre-
tending to be a dog sniffing her ass.

what a disaster for carmen electra

"The inside of a vagina isn't at all what I thought it would feel like," he
shouted excitedly. "It feels very organized."

Wait, how did Tuomas end up in this book?

He spread out in his chair like a melting shard of Swiss cheese and in-
formed us: "The only lies I'll ever tell are: 'I won't come in your mouth' and
'I'll just rub it around your ass.'

What, how did [CONTROVERSIAL MODERATOR EDIT] end up in this book?

The party was a disaster. Ross couldn't handle himself around classy
people. He spent most of the night thinking he was flirting by acting as if he
were my gay lover and crawling on all fours behind Carmen Electra, pre-
tending to be a dog sniffing her ass.

lolll

pato why are u reading this

the best can get better, my man

great thread!

well ... great thread, considering what board this is ... i mean, it isn't like this I Rate Everything or ...

yeah way to break my heart here!!

</3

But just as I was about to tell her about animals and evolution and hair-
pulling lions, disaster struck. Andy Dick walked in the bar with a group of
his friends.

OK, I can empathise with this.

Andy slid closer to me and whispered: "What are you? Straight, bi, or
gay?"

"Um, straight."

"I'm bi," he said, breathing in my ear. "That's too bad. We could've had
a lot of fun."

whoops

"I haven't been laid in five days because of this bullshit," Mystery said
as we drove up the coast of Queensland. "But I've been jerking it mercilessly
to lesbian porn. I guess I've been sort of depressed a bit."

get off the viagra, get on the zoloft

On the way out, the hostess of the lounge pulled me aside and said,
"Thank you very much for coming. Here's my card. Let me know if we can
ever do anything for you."

"Who does everyone think I am?" I asked.

"Aren't you Moby?"

ooooooooouuuuuuuuucccchhh

shoulda had a game of 'knob touch' with her post-haste

Mika was a Japanese girl I met at Jamba Juice. She was an orange dream
machine with energy boost. I am an orange dream machine with protein
boost.

ugh

A+ thread

This book could really use some editing.

lol

So the summary is that Mystery is an impotent loser and potential Munchausen's Syndrome sufferer (or blatant liar) who charges people $500 for the privilege of becoming his therapist, PUAs carry murses filled with more props than David Blaine, and men lose their shit around hot women.

I stand by my original statement that chez Pato this book has the status of emergency toilet paper.

And vaginas feel "organised", let's not forget that.

You mean like a Dayrunner/Filofax?

At first I thought this picture was some kind of Halloween thing where two guys decided to go dressed as Mystery and Richard Fairbrass. But it's the real Mystery and Strauss.
http://podrywacz.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/120765263171-mystery-and-style-pua-peacocking.jpg

1 BOX OF TIC TAGS
For the Tic Tac routine: Put two Tic Tacs in your hand. Eat one
very slowly. Then feed the second one to her. If she accepts it, say,
"There's something I forgot to tell you. I'm an Indian giver. I want
my Tic Tac back." Then kiss her.

no-one has ever done this in the history of tic-tacs right?

"If she accepts it", dude.

I'm only half way through this book, btw. It's seriously going to kill me.

Only if you try any of this stuff out in real life.

need to get one of those scrolling LED belt-buckles before I can do that

i just watched an episode of 'criminal minds' that featured a PUA guru named "viper" who was a dead ringer for mystery, and whose techniques were used by a serial killer to pick up women, lol. they actually seemed to get mystery down pat, up to and including the depressive self-loathing.

oh and from a PUA message board talking about said episode:

Ted bundy was considered a PUA. My old roommate was a PUA and he used to tell me he felt he could easily become a serial killer if he wanted too.

there isn't a font large enough to make this emoticon as big as i would like:

o_O

love the expression on the paisley shirt dude in that photo

"yeah I know this outfit was a mistake, but at least I don't look like THOSE tools"

Being away from that dreaded .pdf is tremendous freedom, even if I am at work.

A+ thread

Awesome!

<3 u for this phil

He was upset because Tyler Durden and
Papa had set up their own website and rival company. Mystery had called
his classroom seminars Social Dynamics. They called their in-field work-
shops Real Social Dynamics.

shit getting heated with branding strategies

Next, two PUAs named Harmless and Schematic began advertising
their own workshops, which was a surprise to everyone considering that
Schematic had only lost his virginity a month beforehand.

They should have called their workshops "Mostly Harmless".

One of the Croatians I had met, Badboy, a charismatic PUA who
limped and had only partial use of his left arm after getting hit by sniper
fire during the war, started a company called Playboy Lifestyle. Students
flew to visit him in Zagreb for training in how to become an alpha male. Ex-
ercises included punching Badboy in the stomach and yelling, "Fuck you,
Badboy!" as loud as they could. The average monthly salary in Croatia was
$400; his workshops cost $850 per student.

Who wouldn't pay $850 for the Playboy Lifestyle if it meant punching a dude called Badboy?

Mystery resented being called a pickup artist rather than a
"Venusian artist," his latest neologism.

Yeah, I can understand that frustration.

I was dressed like a dandy,
in a long black jacket with a single button at the top and a cream shirt with
ruffled sleeves exposed at my wrists.

oooh aren't we spiffy

And just as most men are
attracted in a Pavlovian manner to anything that is thin, has blonde hair,
and possesses large breasts, women tend to respond to status and social
proof.

I prefer normal sized brunettes, so I guess I may not be a man :-(

attracted in a Pavlovian manner

What Strauss is saying is that he dribbles uncontrollably.

There needs to be an audiobook of this, read by Jeremy Clarkson.

And he would prove himself once more the following day, when
he picked up Paris Hilton at a taco stand.

Er, isn't that easier than picking up a taco at a taco stand?

PAPA: I have an intuition about you.
PARIS: What?

She put her food down and looked at me.

PAPA: You know, I can tell you deep insights about yourself just by asking
three questions.
PARIS: Oh yeah?

"deep insights"

And four PUAs Mystery and I had trained in Sydney rented a beach
apartment with an elevator that opened directly into a club below them.
This was Project Sydney.

What, no Project Bendigo?

Mystery was dressed in a top
hat, flight goggles, six-inch platform boots, black latex pants, and a black
T-shirt with a scrolling red digital sign that said "Mystery" on it.

dont forget the condoms and gum

"I'm trying to look at this objectively," Mystery said, straddling a chair
at the breakfast table that no one used. "I'm not angry. But I am hurt. It
makes me want to kill the baby and kill him."

Yeah, that's one way to look at it.

He's not angry, by the way.

Not angry enough to want to kill two babies, anyway.

"This whole marriage thing," Mystery told me while Katya was in the
bathroom, "is the best routine ever. She loves me now. She gets off on call-
ing me her husband. It's like a time distortion."

"Dude, it's the worst routine ever," I replied, "because you can only do
it once."

...unless...

Mystery took a step toward me and removed his ring. "I'm going to tell
you a secret," he whispered, putting the ring in my hand. "We're not really
married."

...

I received the text message at 11:39 P.M.: "Can I stay at yr house? They
repoed the car and worse. U don't wanna know. Need to not be alone."

It was Courtney Love.

Are you sure it wasn't some drugged up crazy woman who...oh...yeah, Courtney Love.

Courtney Love, then...hold on a minute...are we sure this man isn't Style?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlhQ3iC54QM

"You should also know that Katya's brother is staying with us," I said.
"And if he seems a little off, it's because he has Tourette's."
"Is that like when you yell 'Shit! Balls!' uncontrollably?"
"Yeah. It's sort of like that."
I parked in the garage and dragged her suitcase upstairs to the house.
The first person we saw inside was Herbal, who was coming out of the
kitchen.
"Hi shit balls," Courtney said to him.
"No," I told her. "That's not Katya's brother."

Ooh, that's kinda awkward.

"Yeah. She's a brainless alcoholic." He paused, shut his eyes for a mo-
ment, and nodded wistfully. "But that body: Her ass is a 10."

Priorities.

"I'm going to tell you a secret," he whispered, putting the ring in my hand. "We're not really married."

Is Mystery proposing to Strauss?

Mystery listened almost exclusively to Tool,
Pearl Jam, and Live. That should have been a warning sign.

Well, DUH.

"Shitballs!" she called to Katya's brother. "Can you go back to my
apartment with the driver and get my DVDs?"

After he left, Courtney told Katya, "He's a nice kid, and kind of cute."

"You know, he's a virgin," Katya said.

"Sure," Courtney replied. She went silent, contemplating this piece of
information for a few moments, then nodded her head and told Katya, "I'd
give him a mercy fuck."

Courtney Love: Humanitarian of the Year Candidate

this is very valiant and diligent of you, kbp, and i like the tone of your asides.

"I promise." I wore a white blazer over a black shirt emblazoned with a scrolling bank of
LCD lights that could be programmed with a message. I input the words
"Kill me."

That's a very appropriate fashion statement for anyone reading this book.

Herbal had, against our bet-
ter judgment, put down a deposit to buy a wallaby at an exotic pets website.

Tie me kangaroo down, sport.

If he wanted to pull a Rolf Harris routine, wouldn't a Stylophone been cheaper?

KBP, was that the end of the book? It ends with a wallaby? I was kind of hoping that it would end with Mystery et al getting the shit kicked out of them in a pub car park.

I'm trying to get through it, but...it's tough. It's so fucking retarded.

Anyone noticed that KBP hasn't been on ILX much for the last month or so?

Just sayin'.

twitter is his new amour

negging in 140 chars

retweeting is the new negging

Twitter has always been my amour.

I've been studying. Also, the book might have worked.

oh hai btw kit I still have yr Bill Drummond book. I'm probs going to dinner with a friend on Friday night (part of the T. Martin fan club), you should come so you can get your book and talk about plums.

I can't believe an hour has gone by and no one has remarked on KBP admitting to carrying around an Armani manbag filled with cheap necklaces, magic tricks, lint and connies.

It's a Roger David manbag.

going to be in Newtownish? I have to go to a 21st later so better not lug it around with me

^read and posted while listening to podcast #75

yeah, we can do Newtownish!!

ps good work

I just realised I should have invited [CONTROVERSIAL MODERATOR EDIT] except that he would [CONTROVERSIAL MODERATOR EDIT].

Besides, I can't decide where to "do" dinner!!

I just realised I should have invited [CONTROVERSIAL MODERATOR EDIT] except that he would [CONTROVERSIAL MODERATOR EDIT].

http://lh4.ggpht.com/televisionau/SF0JZ0I_HpI/AAAAAAAAA78/yxdmFcgB7og/tvtimes_240678_thumb%5B2%5D.jpg

Did you get my txt message, McFly??

also watch out for glass tables (xp)

your negging techniques are unnecessary, I already agreed to a date

I KNOW BUT IS THE TIME ALRIGHT JEEZ

we probably should have planned for Saturday, I'll be wearing a feather boa, ludicrous sunglasses and silver leopardskin vinyl pants tbh.

I call it the kit knack because i'm kit and I've got the knack

briefly returning to lol @ that

Here's some extra sizzle: I'm bringing out the Ol' KBP Magic tomorrow night (as previously seen at 'Britpop' at the Abercrombie).

The Ol' KBP Magic was drowned by out by several ciders on an empty stomach, I think.

The peacocking was under-par as well. If diligently maintained.

dude GLASSES on the t-shirt

https://www.ocsurfsport.com/images/tresnoir-whitesmaller.jpg
http://trustypony.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/white-sunglasses.jpg
http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/2/0/0/e8/b/AAAAAkA8orMAAAAAAOi6lQ.jpg

only 10 bux on pitt st!! i am a savvy shopper.

I never read the last twenty pages of this book. I don't think I want to. The Wallaby is as good a place to stop.

I saw "Tyler Durden" in the gym yesterday. He spent most of the hour I was there standing around wearing aviator sunglasses and walking back and forth between the bathroom. I did see him do a few reps with a free weight though.

Did he use FAT GRIPZ?

^^ this

Specifically, did he have a FAT GRIP stashed in his underpants? Kind of like a modern equivalent of the Wham! shuttlecock.

nope.

fyi he looks like this:
http://pualib.com/images/gods_covers_accurate/Tyler%20Durden.jpg