Nult satis nisi optimum: Phil McNulty 2011/12

presumably he doesn't write the headline, because nowhere in that article does it say that Chelsea are going to appoint Villa Boas. It just states that his buyout clause is 15m Euros. iirc Messi's buyout clause is around 300m Euros so they may as well put an article up on BBC sport website that Chelsea/Man City etc are going to buy Messi.

the Villas-Boas article is pretty coherent and grammatically correct, if hampered by that one-sentence-per-paragraph thing. The Nult will perhaps have thought he had been a modernist stylist extraordinaire when he left the BBC house style behind and filled his blog with temporal contortions.

nah the nult will have been subbed properly for a big news piece like that...

no ~the~ svp

nuuuuuuuuuult

sometimes on a day so warm yr laptop has died, all you can think of is a cool glass of chablis and a fresh nultblog on the iphone

By Alan Hansen
BBC's Match of the Day football pundit
United were soundly beaten by Barcelona in last month's Champions League final
Sir Alex Ferguson knew major work was needed to rebuild his Manchester United team - and he has responded in style with his dealings in the transfer market so far.
Ashley Young's arrival from Aston Villa comes swiftly after the signing of Phil Jones from Blackburn Rovers, with Atletico Madrid goalkeeper David de Gea and a high-class midfield player also expected to make the move to Old Trafford.
The loss to Barcelona in the Champions League final at Wembley did not exactly do United a favour but it would have confirmed in Ferguson's mind that his side was obviously on the wane.
Some may have been fooled into thinking everything was OK given United's success in the Premier League but they were the best of a bad bunch last season and Ferguson is brutally realistic.
I stand by my belief that he dragged those players to the title and would have claimed the crown with any of the other top sides had he been in charge of them.
Continue reading the main story
United were awful for long spells last season and really suffered against Barcelona - the fact they won the league was a work of art in itself
How United won the title playing as badly as they did away from home, where they were abysmal on so many occasions, was almost beyond belief. Ferguson will have been well aware that they might not have been so lucky next season.
Ferguson had two factors to address. First, the team was awful for long spells last season and really suffered against Barcelona. Secondly, the natural passage of time has resulted in the retirements of Edwin van der Sar, Gary Neville and Paul Scholes, while Ryan Giggs is edging ever nearer towards the end of his career. Giggs was magnificent last season but can you see him having another season like that at the age of 37? I can't.
Ferguson has bought defender Jones, who is only a youngster and is clearly a signing for the future. Young, a winger, is a proven, fabulous player with great delivery who will add much.
If you watched United last season, they were weak all over. The fact that they won the league was a work of art in itself, the sign of a great club and a great manager, with Ferguson as the key component.
Continue reading the main story
If I was Ferguson I would break the bank to land Luka Modric -he is a class act
The loss of Scholes and the fact that Giggs is another year closer to the end of his career means Ferguson is almost certain to strengthen in midfield. He has been linked with Tottenham's Luka Modric and Wesley Sneijder from Inter Milan, both fabulous players.
I do not know where Modric is going, or even if he is going because Spurs chairman Daniel Levy gave Chelsea very short shrift last week, but if I was Ferguson I would break the bank to land the Croatian. He fits the bill perfectly.
Modric is a class act and his performance when Spurs won at Liverpool on the final day of last season was as good as it gets. When the ball comes to him, he doesn't just instinctively know his three options, he knows the best one to take. He also always has time and space in abundance - the hallmark of the great player.
Ferguson will obviously recruit a goalkeeper to replace Van der Sar, who was a major reason for their success last season and has been for the last five years.
De Gea appears to be the chosen one but the hardest person to replace in your team is always the goalkeeper, as proved by United's struggles to find a quality successor to Peter Schmeichel. Bringing a foreign keeper into the English game is always hit and miss because a big part of the game here is the ball into the box.
We have seen the likes of Heurelho Gomes struggle to cope with that aspect of the game whereas Van der Sar was consummate and his communication skills were wonderful. De Gea is only a young boy, so it will be very intriguing to see how he goes if he does sign for United.
Van der Sar will be tough to replace
Retirement and age have taken some of Ferguson's best players out of the equation but he is a master when faced with this sort of situation.
He will also be aware of the challenges coming from elsewhere. United and Chelsea undoubtedly came back towards the pack last season, while Manchester City may feel they will never have a better chance of winning the Premier League than next time around.
They will spend, Roman Abramovich will back new Chelsea boss Andre Villlas-Boas, while over at Anfield, where not much escapes Ferguson's attention, they now have the Kenny Dalglish factor.
Liverpool will clearly strengthen their squad this summer and there is still the feel-good factor following Dalglish's arrival, which galvanised the whole club. Luis Suarez will also be ready for his first full season in the Premier League. The striker was sensational after coming to Anfield in January.
But history tells us there is nobody better at coming out on top in a pressurised position than Ferguson. He clearly means business after taking stock of the current condition of his squad.
And you would never back against him - you can't back against him - because if he can take his team to the title playing the way they did last season then they would have to start as favourites next season as he begins the process of building his latest Old Trafford model.

Alan Hansen was talking to BBC Sport's Phil McNulty

last para is v much his master's voice tho obv the a true picture of nulto-hansenic relations is yet to emerge

the

Ferguson will have been well aware that they might not have been so lucky next season.
Ferguson will have been well aware that they might not have been so lucky next season.
Ferguson will have been well aware that they might not have been so lucky next season.
Ferguson will have been well aware that they might not have been so lucky next season.

<3

haha i wanted to post this, so fucking shameful that nult puts his own dirty mark even on an interview. i read it and knew from the first line it'd say nult had done the interview.

like all the great auteurs, nult does his best work with other people's scripts

sometimes on a day so warm yr laptop has died, all you can think of is a cool glass of chablis and a fresh nultblog on the iphone

― tipper gore (nakhchivan), Monday, 27 June 2011 14:24 (1 hour ago) Bookmark

irl lol

only one direction for my thought to go when, reading W.G. Sebald's 'The Emigrants', I come across the phrase 'one thing is certain'. Damn you Nult.

Wonder what Nult thinks of Austerlitz and its long multi-clause sentences, can he read German do you suppose.

No matter how often I tell myself that chance happenings of this kind occur far more often than we suspect, since we all move, one after the other, along the same roads mapped out for us by our origins and our hopes, my rational mind is nonetheless unable to lay the ghosts of repetition that haunt me with ever greater frequency. One thing is certain: Sir Alex will be delighted.

very much enjoying wg sebald but he does have a habit for slightly nult via thomas mann lengthy future perfect sentences in his reimaginings of past lives

― kid 606: the nultness (nakhchivan), Tuesday, March 29, 2011 7:47 PM (3 months ago)

@chrisbevan have a read of wg sebald, excellent prose. @jonathanstevo #themagicmountainmate #alliteration sir alex will have cogitated

By Mark Ashenden

1055: England's Paul Casey will have had better starts to a major championship. Four pars and three bogeys leave him struggling on +3.

I like how in its simplest form that construction just reads as "I can't be bothered to verify whether this assertion is true." Has Casey had better starts in majors? He will have had, I should think.

By Phil McNulty

Manchester City are moving to finalise the signing of Atletico Madrid's Sergio Aguero despite the collapse of Carlos Tevez's move to Corinthians.

City boss Roberto Mancini has decided to press on with a deal for Aguero even without finance from the sale of Tevez.

The two sides are moving towards agreement on the £39m buy-out clause in the 23-year-old's contract.

can someone tell nult that buy-out clauses are legally binding and no agreement is necessary if they are fulfilled

I seem to remember reading (maybe on here?) that the buyout clauses in Spain only apply to deals with other Spanish clubs. Could be bullshit i dunno

was just thinking i was missing pasting nult's every awful sentence on ilx.

think he's had a few weeks off

nult

Cesc Fabregas' future, or lack of it, has once again dominated the summer

The weaknesses that cost Arsenal last season, vulnerability in central defence and a physical presence in midfield, have not yet been addressed.

They may well arrive once the saga of Fabregas' seemingly inevitable move to Barcelona is concluded. And their success will shape Arsenal and Wenger's season.
If they are, Arsenal may cling on to fourth place - if they are not then there is the real possibility of the Gunners dropping out of the select quartet at the top of the Premier League.

IF WHAT ARE YOU CUNT

Dalglish has problems to solve at left-back and in central defence, but if he does that successfully I expect Liverpool to seriously threaten Arsenal and Spurs for fourth place - and well worth a few pounds of anyone's money to win a cup without the added fixture congestion of the Europa League.

and well worth

I love that this article was trailed as Nult making "some bold predictions"

Nult clicking submit then sitting back in his chair, steepling his fingers and going "truly, the cat will have have been set amongst the pigeons. Game on."

Also not entirely sure what Phil is saying "may well arrive", but it seems to be some weakness in central defence and some physical presence in midfield?

Nult clearly making predictions that only he understands so he can't get called out on them

This has created unrest among the fanbase and led to Kenwright's rendezvous with "The Blue Union" in his London office and the frank admissions that confirmed the worst fears of Everton's following regarding finances and the lack of interest from any potential purchasers.

The catalyst, however, is Suarez. The credits were rolling for Arsenal as soon as he appeared. Full of movement - not movement for movement's sake but going into areas defenders do not appreciate - and menace, he unsettled Arsenal's makeshift defence instantly.

"movement for movements sake". WTF?

If Spurs fail to clear the clouds in Modric's mind then they are left with a major dilemma and little time to find a solution.

No such worries for Ferguson as he strode off towards the Stretford End at the final whistle with a paternal smile of satisfaction after watching a youthful United see off Spurs, robust for an hour, to win in style.

this tendency to splice in nonsequitur subclauses - thought by many to rhyme with 'cub pauses' - is quite the new thing for the embattled web scribe nult

There are still as many questions as answers surrounding Torres. When he chose to square for Ramires in the first half Old Trafford's panel of judges was divided. Did he pass up an opportunity to shoot that a striker in full flow, and sure in his powers, would have grasped at, or is he still so clear-headed in his struggles that he calculated Ramires was obviously better placed?

who is this panel of judges he speaks of?

When the list of great managers is compiled, Ferguson's name will be near the top of some lists and at the top of others, alongside the founding father of United, Sir Matt Busby, Liverpool's Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley, the maverick Brian Clough at Derby and Nottingham Forest and his own inspiration, former Celtic and Scotland manager Jock Stein.

good to know there are no good foreign managers.

When the list of great managers is compiled, they will be on some lists and on some other lists.

When the list of great managers is compiled, Ferguson's name will be near the top of some lists and at the top of others

this is a new low. i think he might be reading wikipedia articles i "unsub-edit" and copying the style.

John Terry's meeting with the media started with a bouquet before barbed wire was placed around the elephant standing in the room with England's besieged captain.

Couple of very interesting shouts here this morning that Man Utd should have signed Friedel to allow De Gea to develop. Makes sense that.

not v nulty

With Terry stripped of the captaincy for a second time, the prospect of him ever regaining it will surely be gone forever.

brilliant analysis.

why does he court controversy like this???

ugh grammar

Capello is now handed the dilemma of whether he should even take Terry to Euro 2012 - as well as the possibility that his former captain may not wish to go.

let me hand you this possibility

fucking hell, the whole article is vintage nult doggerel

Capello clearly felt Terry's credibility as captain had been damaged and his ability to lead - and perhaps more importantly unify - England's squad was beyond him.

idk if it's Ronay's influence but every big game report now seems to involve time standing still, a momentary hush as the ball seemed to hang in the air blah blah

Keith Jackson going a bit Nulty in the Daily Record:

They knew that beating was on the cards just as they will have sat in their own living rooms yesterday bracing themselves for something very similar.

Gerrard completes 'jaw-dropping' deal

Tom English

Chief sports writer, BBC Scotland

"Those of us who love Scottish football will love it a little more now that this jaw-dropping deal has been done to bring Steven Gerrard down from football’s Hollywood Hills and into our world. It’s ambitious, it’s glamorous, it guarantees that every cough and splutter of the Gerrard reign will reverberate around football, not just Scottish football.

"It will be gripping to see how it all turns out. An act of genius or of utter folly? Who knows? Finding out will be a whole lot of fun, though. There is no doubt that this is a gargantuan gamble by Rangers. Going for a rookie manager when their problems are so vast is a spectacular roll of the dice. At this remove, it looks reckless. How can a novice survive in the intense climate that Gerrard is about to walk into?
Steven Gerrard
Reuters

"If he does, it will be a miracle to stand alongside Istanbul in 2005 when his brilliance sparked one of the greatest on-field comebacks we have seen in European football. He now has to spark another comeback. What an appointment and what a eye-wateringly daunting job he faces."

Next level Nultism

every cough and splutter of the Gerrard reign will reverberate around football, not just Scottish football.

keep telling yourself that son

Mcnults seems to be suggesting that England should warp the space/time continuum
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/44637064

“This was a very painful, public indignity and will surely have been noted in red ink in Chelsea's corridors of power.”

Sort of Manson family/The Shining vibe

The 48-year-old landed the job on the back of impressive work at Walsall and Brentford, but this was a well-respected figure destined to return to Villa, the club that coursed through his veins as a lifelong supporter of the club where his father Ron used to be a steward.

do u reckon this is a wind up

even by Nult's low standards that is particularly garbled

very good piece of nult

If Liverpool's rivals did not exactly fear their potential renaissance, they will have known the vast potential waiting to be released once they got it right - which they now have, quite spectacularly.

playing the hits

This eminently sensible, mature and rounded character will know as well as anyone the risks he would be taking in accepting a job that has eaten up and spat out more experienced managers than him - twice in Jose Mourinho's case.

And, for all the goodwill that will cut him a lot more slack than others, Lampard will know Abramovich is not so sentimental that he will preside over any serious period of underachievement without acting decisively, no matter how glorious his new manager's past is at Chelsea.

pardon

There Will Have Wanted To Have Been Blood

hahahaha

England manager Gareth Southgate will have struggled to decide whether his glass was half-full or half-empty as he reflected on a thud and blunder night against Kosovo at St Mary's.

First things first - everyone at Southampton enjoyed a thrilling Euro 2020 qualifier that led to a rousing ovation for both sides at the conclusion of England's chaotic 5-3 victory.

And Southgate will have revelled in England's magnificent attacking display, spearheaded by a world-class performance from Raheem Sterling, who scored once as well as setting up two goals for Jadon Sancho and another for Harry Kane.

Damn

Lampard's strategy was even more high-risk against Liverpool given the fact both his goalkeeper and the current Chelsea defence represent accidents waiting to happen, which they duly did

Liverpool have struggled to find high points this season as their Premier League title defence disintegrated spectacularly and their Anfield form has made history of the wrong sort - but could this traumatic campaign yet have a satisfactory ending?

But manager Jurgen Klopp's beaming smile was back after Liverpool took Arsenal to the cleaners at Emirates Stadium in a 3-0 win that was not close to being an accurate reflection of their total domination.

vintage fare

Just terrific stuff
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/60774931

And the sight of Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp's traditional triple fist pump after the final whistle could just as easily have been the sound of a gauntlet being thrown down in front of Manchester City counterpart Pep Guardiola after this 2-0 win at Arsenal.

lovely. classic nult

Marc Cucurella looked to panic as the ball came in and grabbed at Erling Haaland with inevitable results.

Did the FA simply want an English coach - or did they want the coach who will make the England team winners?

The answer to that question is Tuchel.

lol whoever is nominally supposed to edit him is just sat back laughing at this stage

in his metal machine music era, lol.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/articles/c78dgy9qngno

i read the headline here from the main site and was like 'please let this be nult'

so many great bits

And surely St George's Park and all the coaches and development teams nurtured there can only benefit from having someone of Tuchel's stature and success rate in the building? He will not live on an island. The FA will hope he can make his own indelible mark on future coaching generations.

time for a geography lesson, phil.

I love the ones where he's just given free reign to type out every single thought he's had about an issue

Sometimes I am a mild sceptic about the layout of a piece of prose dictating mood above and beyond what it says, or before you begin reading, but then you see six almost equally sized Nult four-line paragraphs in a row, just a terrible drab feeling.