I SCORED A GOAL FFS

Please to recount here the glory of the last goal you scored and every goal you score henceforth.

Who was it against?
Which part of your anatomy did it bobble off?
How did you celebrate?

And any other details you might feel like sharing.

I have not scored a goal since 1992, when I was the goalhanging poacher of my halls team at uni and scored tons of two-yard tap-ins. My celebration, rather pathetically, was me and my strike partner doing the air guitar "excellent!" thing from Bill and Ted, lol students.

Penalty vs my 10-year-old son, Burnham-on-Sea, July 2010. Sent him the wrong way, ball in bottom right corner. Minimal celebrating.

Return leg with me in goal - almost went wrong way, tried to change direction, went over on my ankle with my full and considerable weight, heard a cracking noise, actually yelped out loud, crawled over to a wee set of steps to nurse it. His celebration was pretty much him and his brother laughing for twenty minutes.
Three weeks in a support bandage before I could run again. Back doing light ball work - keepy-up on Ardrossan beach two weeks ago. Still hurts :(

My celebration, rather pathetically, was me and my strike partner doing the air guitar "excellent!" thing from Bill and Ted, lol students.

Maybe i am still of the lolstudent bent but imo there is nothing pathetic and everything inspired about that celebration.

I scored our consolation goal in my company's 5-1 defeat to Yahoo! on Wednesday night. Having shipped four goals in the first half due to lack of organisation, not closing them down quickly enough and neither marking zonally or man-to-man, we came out pressing in the second.

Attacking as a three-man unit, level with the D our right wing clipped the ball across from flank to Asaad in the centre. Asaad, in one motion, encouraged it into the path of my storming amble, neutralising their right-back in the process, whence I wrapped my right foot over the ball, confounding their keeper just enough that it bimbled through his legs and in.

I celebrated with a fist pump. We deserved that goal and, tbh, should have won the half as well.

Maybe i am still of the lolstudent bent but imo there is nothing pathetic and everything inspired about that celebration

It seemed pathetic even at the time, perhaps because we were resolutely lolstudent and everyone else on the team was proper sporty types who held no truck with music and films and such japery, and thus made us all defiantly anti-hero and that. But it made us laugh, and a proper partnership was thusly formed, like how all proper strike forces are meant to be.

i scored my first 11-a-side goal ever like last month, playing with a bunch of folks from some music website (LJ was there, in fact!!).

the striker try to shoot past the goalkeeper from wide, it beat the keeper but the ball was trickling in but a defender was running on to it as was i and we both slid in and i just managed to bundle it over the line, 0.5 meter out. it was quality goal

celebration was me getting up and sitting on the sideline, nursing the epidermis on my leg (it was stony astroturf surface)

Think the last goal I scored was playing a re-tooled version of anarchist football that we made up for the playscheme in the summer. Classic foot on the ball, lie on the ground, head it over the line manoeuvre.

Last friday playing 4v4 with other staff here - tap-in at the far post thinking "don't screw up don't screw up" - the goalie was a Hungarian ringer who had played some sort of amateur club level back home so I was half expecting him to magically save it anyway.

I didn't celebrate because I'm so unfit that my target for the game was not to throw up on the pitch.

probably friday pm five a side, 0xford physics vs. 0xford council. everyone used to bag a couple in those.

on grass, probably not for a good five years? i think my best was actually the last one. used to have a bit of a left foot. they conceded a free kick about five yards from the left touchline and five yards inside their own half. we had a couple of aerial threats in the box, so i just cunted it toward the goal. ended up going straight in on the full. great days.

anyone here play football in boots on grass with officials on the regular?

Really wanna hear Hansen saying "he's just cunted it and it's gone straight in, Gary" on Saturday night.

so i just cunted it toward the goal

beautiful

haha, i remember the first time i heard it used like that. we were drunkenly playing round a public golf course, and someone stepped back to take a runup for their drive, and someone said "you are going to absolutely cunt that ball". guy missed the ball by a long way he was laughing so much. best verb.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znYJXIw2UKw

^ the new "player of the year, now he's a dick", tbh

wow i've watched that video about five times wondering why it's funny. don't even hear that word any more.

took an aerial pass on the chest, touch of the knee over challenge, full right foot volley into bottom left from ten or so yards.

Only work five a side, but i'm havin that tbh.

played a 4-a-side game against some regulars while visiting my friend in Oxford, on a proper astro pitch

my team won 14-3 and I hit 5, one of which was a peachy peach into the far top corner, fabio grosso versus germany style

now I am ready for tomorrow's 11-a-side game in which ken c and I are both playing

ken c's goal last time out was a thing of wonder - not seen an ILXor dive in to achieve something so heartily since ethan got himself banned

also I am obliged to state that that goal was only possible because I bombed 60 metres down the wing first

take it to the assist thread you astonishing glory hunter

Just me and my brother playing on a full-size school pitch. He was in goal and I was like 25 yards out on the right wing, at a very acute angle, and I toe-poked a powerful curling chip over his head that pinged off the crossbar and bounced down behind the line. If anyone else was there, their minds would have been blown. My brother kind of didn't see it (it was that good)

i've asked mr clattenberg and it was not in fact over the line play on

Who was it against? 2 years ago on an astroturf pitch in mungret with some mates
Which part of your anatomy did it bobble off? turned my man and was one on one with keeper then blasted it with my big toe. went right into the corner.
How did you celebrate? punched the air with my fist. didnt do too much celebrating as it was the end of the game and i was absolutely knackered to do anything more than that

...mungret?? where IS that

county limerick, ireland

st mungret's is a school somewhere iirc

you're thinking of st. munchins

dem u for a liar sir i meant no such thing i tell u.

May have been thinkin of st muredach, which they steadfastly refuse to pronounce as in the a-team member

ireland is v v mysterious to me

are there craic hoers?

St. Munchkins

"HOW MANY POINTS DID YOU GET IN THE LEAAAVIN'?"
http://www.doobybrain.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/wizard-of-oz-munchkins.jpg

jays theres craic til 90 but i only know sheep or cattle farmers meself, boys that wouldnt know one end of a hoe from tother

but solid lads, the besht of men.

One of them, up in court lately on charges of animal cruelty for feeding a stray turtle full of poitin could only offer the following excuse-

"he looked shook, yronner. He looked pure shook"

The besht of men tho. The finesht.

same man's neighbour took the corpse of his auld fella home on the ferry in the front of a ford escort, cos it was chaper than flyin him dead.

But jesus the finesht of men so they are.

Last goal I can remember

Work jumpers-for-goalposts game, Green Park, I think summer 2006 because I was wearing that year's world cup strip (Owen 10 - I've got a thing for the number but how I regret not getting the Beckham one). Hard-fought 0-0, melée in box, ball breaks to me around the penalty-spot and I welt it home over the keeper's shoulder. Automatic celebration: couple of steps run, little jump & fist pump. I may have said 'Yes'.

Thought it would be the first of many, but we lost shape and lost 4 or 5-1. Once you've scored in front of the Queen that doesn't seem to matter though.

(game actually most memorable for giving another boy a yard's start and beating him to a loose ball. I am v slow. It's honestly the only time I can remember that happening - in fact I remember being astonished as the chase was going on, it was so unprecedented)

Goals lost in mists of time

I've since stepped in to my dad's regular fives game as a ringer. I play like Teddy Sheringham in a sculpture garden. Many goals were dispatched, none memorable.

Actual last goal

Took the ball up to the common by my in-laws a couple of weeks ago. Had the place to myself as I seem to be THE ONLY PERSON IN THE COUNTRY who does this anymore. Trekked up & down the pitch for a while trying to score enough of a peach that I could call it a day - in the jack jones scenario it kind of needs to be an in-off-bar-or-post or it looks a bit rubbish.

Eventually ran onto own through ball maybe 25 yards out. Hit across body, setting it out beyond the far post and bringing it in just inside. Was an uncharacteristically sweet hit, enhanced by fact that I was still running full-pelt on a totally different trajectory, which change of angle made the swerve look like Nelinho.

Did I celebrate? Like I say, I was on my own so that'd be unbearably sad. I may have done a bit.

http://img831.imageshack.us/img831/9147/realfootball.jpg

I forgot that I have evidence of the last time I kicked a ball in anger - this is in the nets at Croke Park a couple of weeks back. The 'goal' is actually three holes in the far wall which are approximately ball-sized and ball-shaped, so I doubt any goal has ever been scored in that particular exhibit. The big target is in the hurling net next door, which I did manage to hit at least once.

You will note from the ripple in the net that this was not one of my closer efforts, though the effect is quite pleasing.

last time we had a lunchtime kickaround at work, prob 18 mths ago, i SCORED FROM HAFLWAY IT WAS FUKKN EPIC YESSSSSS

Last week, playing 5vs5 futsal. Ball just landed in front of me after opponent countered a teammate's shot, didn't think and just kicked it. Went in the top left corner after hitting both the crossbar and the post. Quite happy with myself but no celebration, since we play every week for 1h30mn or so, which means at least 30 goals every week, so celebrating for each would be kind of silly!

^ yeah celebrations only for the exceptional.

tho before my competent no-fuss goal detailed above i did score a zola through-my-own-legs flick on the volley from a peach cross that drew a few high fives, tbf. it was a good week, not what you'd call representative.

hit the post from 3 yards out yesterday :(

then should have scored one ball flew in around waist height, obv best way to score is to neither scoop down and head it or stick a foot out, but to try and *chest* the ball into the goal. on target but um keeper saved it, strangely.

i'm a dick

Do we need an "I MISSED A GOAL FFS" thread?

then they scored from the keeper's launch out

3 yards is generous btw, it was more like 1

Well Arshavin hit the post twice in two seconds on Saturday in what sounds like similar circumstances, so I'm inclined to give Ken the benefit of the doubt here

Do we need an "I MISSED A GOAL FFS" thread?

About five years ago I showed up in Regents Park for an ILX football thang. There were about 7 or 8 of us and we ended up on a full-size pitch with proper goals taking on 7 or 8 other random people (until the real Sunday leaguers turned up and turfed us off). I'd kind of nominated myself as striker and I clearly remember being in the centre circle, maybe for kick-off or more likely to re-start after we'd conceded. I took one look at the goal: it didn't look that far away. The keeper didn't look all that. I fancied my chances. "Just pass it to me, I'm going have a go" I said to the guy next to me. He nudged it across and I thumped it towards the top left corner. The ball bounced five or six times before slowly rolling off the pitch about five yards wide of the goal.

crushing!

straight out of car after four hours driving to five a side today, so i was rubbish. scored a few, the highlight being a neat touch on the run from a thirty yard crossfield pass that was swept imperiously into the far corner. but aside form that it was comedy stuff from dmac i'm afraid

About five years ago I showed up in Regents Park for an ILX football thang. There were about 7 or 8 of us and we ended up on a full-size pitch with proper goals taking on 7 or 8 other random people (until the real Sunday leaguers turned up and turfed us off). I'd kind of nominated myself as striker and I clearly remember being in the centre circle, maybe for kick-off or more likely to re-start after we'd conceded. I took one look at the goal: it didn't look that far away. The keeper didn't look all that. I fancied my chances. "Just pass it to me, I'm going have a go" I said to the guy next to me. He nudged it across and I thumped it towards the top left corner. The ball bounced five or six times before slowly rolling off the pitch about five yards wide of the goal.

i remember this game!

friend's stag do in the middle of ireland about a month ago, playing 5-a-side on the saturday with a pretty bad hangover.

first game of four (we had a mini tournament) i get the ball early, round the groom, and (1 in 100 chance this) blast in from close to the halfway line, celebrate wildly.

in the same session of games we were about to win and with 20 seconds left (complete with countdown) we're playing keep ball, i attempt what appears to be a simple turn as a friend flails towards me, he reads it, nicks the ball, and scores, drawing the match and meaning we lose.

couldn't apologise enough.

there's nothing worse, especially if you're playing with people that take their 5 a side VERY SERIOUSLY

the guys weren't too bad, and i did make a point blank double save in same game, but yeah i fucking hate ultra serious 5-a-side. i'm competitive but not to the extent of utter dickishness and a bad atmos that you get in some 5-a-side games. you want competitive but jokes and pisstaking imo.

good work

scored 6 culminating in the robson-kanu goal hmd

I went to a physio ffs who literally said ffs when I told him I'd been attempting to score goals ffs

Now I'm not allowed score goals ffs

Oh lads

An absolute worldy today, lobbed pass back to me from the corner flag and pearled home into far corner still accelerating in a windmill volley

Was shite besides.

just happy to see the lad back out there

I play with a fella who knows an ilxor so my bonafides can now be ascertained independently

first ever eleven a side goal ffs

fake take on standing left let bounce a foot to my waiting right, outside of that foot across bamboozled defender fading into corner if u must know

Young Marseille fan was just supposed to kick it once... pic.twitter.com/RryFbymMS6

— Rick Metzroth (@MetzrothESPN) August 26, 2018

it me

have a new monday night game across the road from the flat, mighty.

low goals so i was v happy tonight to flick it over the last defender on the turn and then lob the approaching keeper on the volley

eleventh eleven a side match of the season for yr glorious hero

did not score a goal but set up one of our very few goals of the year, meaning out of a total of....ten team goals ive "been involved in" five

wheres my fuckin opta

We talking a rabona cross or...?

the rabona cross is actually a running weekly joke in the work five a side.

fellas our age need something to be doing i guess

i recruited the minister to our five a side game ffs

safe pair of hands

fair target

last minute proper scissor-legged, head flicked, front edge of box into far side netting header from a corner in a real eleven a side to equalise on 90 mins

cant buy a pint tonight lads

im gone a yard slow and very one footed, but every few weeks that foot is romarios. had the pleasure of a beaten opponent shouting "i cant stop the fat cunt" into the turf at a late stage tonight as another one went across the keeper and in off the far post.

your best self

note that i play three times a weke and the thread is only bumped every few months like

btw I can't help but noticing your DN is a riff on the imo standout track off the Luke Kelly album you showed me, one of the better songs I've heard lately, ty again for that

yes it is and yes it is

proud day, im now getting targeted

https://i.imgur.com/5IDtdAg.jpg

conversion rate of 6/7 tonight, one top corner first time across meself, one stud-rolled megs, one off the near post after giving him eyes the far

rolled back the years, im a disgrace most games these days

Congratulations

thanks tb are u kickin a ball at all yrself these days a mhic

I live my athletic dreams vicariously through my coworkers who show to the office up with crutches and casts on occasion

sports after forty are a game for suckers braver folks than I

xp yep ive done that too

non xp well fuck ya ive a year or two yet!

this isn't quite scoring a goal but note how confidently the shot at 2:04 is plucked from the air. camera alas cuts away before recording the ball returned inch-perfectly to the keeper

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGZhpN94oBY

have been playing in boots purchased dec 2018 all year (obv)

bit too long, which i hate, takes that vital immediacy of contact out of my toe-striking style (will defend this much-maligned technique to the death btw) and if im honest ive not enjoyed many of my games all year as a result, also ive been shit

researched a wider/shorter style and picked up a new pair of boots today en route to a local xmas derby match thats a bit of a tradition down the island, and from the moment i put them on i knew i was back.

scored a few crackers, top corner arced swervers, outside of boot faders, touch and all way better.

lads

theyre the same boot

same size, same model, i measured the fuckin things toe to tip.

truly the game is played in our heads

so yesterday

we're 5-2 up, but one of our better players has done his back so we're 9 v 10. I'm having an unusually indifferent game in goal. itching for a go outfield but having to be restrained. pull off my best save in years and then don't come for the ensuing corner which gets bundled in from a yard. get chipped twice. I'm restless. suddenly its 5-5, a man down, and I've had enough. off come the gloves with a panto flourish. our captain and left-back is practically press-ganged into goal and I announce I will play down the left side which is poor code for up front. our midfielder who tbuf has done little all game whines that we're giving up the game (I was keeping like a fool, couldn't he see?) but he probably has a point

anyway, so my first two shots are duff but my third one, after a flowing team move down the right which I started, sails into the roof of the net, past the guy who's chipped me twice and whose turn it was to be in goal. and your hero is not done there - two minutes later I pull off a backheel assist for our striker to lash home the 7th and his 6th. oh yeah, he'd scored all 5 when I came outfield. didn't have a strike partner until then. I make some sort of aggressively wry rejoinder to the given up the game guy but I hardly have to really, the point has been made. it finishes 8-5

well that's that. you did hand in your notice and hung up yr boots straight after, right?

not hanging up anything. a glorious goalscoring career against a bunch of ageing music nerds awaits

fwiw I would now dispute the oft-repeated claim that 4-2 is the most embarrassing winning score

Wait you're not with the ageing music nerds? 'Backheel Assist' a Cardiacs deep cut, surely.

ageing music nerd on ageing music nerd action. every few months in regents park. always looking for new players. ability optional, attitude optional

timely revive

11 a side tonight for our lot, in five degree conditions

new boots clean?

had a horror show last thurs, confidence is low

back to the old identical pair it is then

i was shite all year in them, weve moved on and im not revisiting

lads it wasnt great it wasnt awful it got us out into a beautiful evening im giving it a C+

Won a frame 53-46 on a re-spotted black tonight ahhh yeah that’s the stuff

entirely approve of this flex

actually, as i have alluded elsewhere, we don't have any sports in our isolation chamber/flat except a carrom board so expect some I POCKETED THREE COINS IN A ROW action soon enough

Ha, yeah. Check mate in nine moves ffs!