In Every English Football Match Ever

1. Supporters excitably clamour for a penalty for handball as a result of a cross or shot hitting a defender on the back/face/leg/arse inside the area.

2. Opposition supporters howl with derisive laughter and shout "ANBALL" every time anybody touches the ball for the next five minutes.

3. Opposition supporters subsequently excitably clamour for a penalty for handball as a result of a cross or shot hitting a defender on the back/face/leg/arse inside the area.

4. Middle-aged women sitting at the front of the stand hurling industrial abuse at opposing players trying to take a corner/throw-in

5. Home team midfielder gets caught in possession and falls over in a vain attempt to cover his arse by winning a free kick. Home supporters go apeshit that a foul has not been given. Midfielder overcompensates and attempts to retrieve possession with agricultural, manslaughter-apt lunge. Referee blows for foul; home supporters go apeshit at the injustice and sing "you're not fit to referee" for the rest of the match.*

*This may be more In Every Aston Villa Match In Which Stiliyan Petrov Starts"

6. Pies that cost more than a three course dinner at Le Manoir aux Quat'Saisons (Premier League only)

7. Mascot too busy grooming kids to pay any attention to the match

8. Home team runs on the pitch to improbably portentous theme music - the worse the team are, the more portentous the music will be

9. Home fans roar approval as each team member's name is called out over the tannoy. An extra loud roar of approval is reserved for the most lumpen psychopath in the squad, especially if he has recently been released from jail after an ABH charge

10. Unglamourous Local Business announces its choice for today's man of the match, 85 minutes in, and it's Whoever The Most Glamorous Player At The Club Is, despite his not having contributed anything particularly noteworthy to your frustrating, last-on-MOTD 1-1 draw with Blackburn.

11. Some dude you thought had retired/died 5 years ago comes on as a sub for the opposition after 75 minutes

10a. Deafening chorus of the most crotchety, whingeing season ticket veterans simultaneously saying "Whoever The Most Glamorous Player At The Club Is?! He's done fookin' nothing all season!", although he is your top scorer with seven league goals.

12. Home fans mockingly shout "WHO?" or opine that they had no idea he was still alive.

12a. Equalising goal for Hull City in the 87th minute score by number 34, Ave A Bleedin' Guess

13. Local glamour model presents charity collection to local hospice at half time. Crowd erupts into graphic, industrial sexual heckling. Especially the middle-aged women sat at the front of the stand.

14. Defeated away supporters troop out after match, find solace in 'we outsang 'em though, didn't we?'

10b. Some bloke within earshot of you has an unexplained personal vendetta against a member of the home team, and barracks him relentlessly thru-out the match, even if he is warming up on the touchline/leading out of one of the mascots/scoring the 95th minute winner

15. Hastily assembled half time match between an assortment of local children with outrageously poignant physical disabilities provides better standard of entertainment and ball retention than the professional league fixture it interrupts.

16. Local rivals' score at half time is met with cheers if losing, boos if winning

8 and 9b. Cacophonous entry and lusty roars have given way to silence and vague background mutterings by time game is four minutes old.

17. Loudest cheer of the day reserved for linesman/ballboy/local dignitary slipping and falling on arse

18. A Republic of Ireland youth international with incredibly awful hair.

19. Workmanlike midfielder who was a youth player at Manchester United.

20. http://www.visit4info.com/advert/Coca-Cola-Real-Fans-Coca-Cola/21428

This is absolutely not confined to England, I recognise every single one of these things.

To which I will add:

21. Cheers of "ole!" if home team manages to string more than three passes together, as if this makes them fucking Brazil or something. Turns to boos when ball is lost after the seventh or eighth tiny tight pass gives way to an ambitious ten-yarder.

22a. Away stand going "YOOOOOOOOOOOOU fat bastard, AAAAAAAH!!!" when the home keeper punts it long.

22b. Away stand going apoplectic when their own keeper decides to play it short.

23. Terrace chant claiming the home side are by far the greatest team the world has ever seen even tho they are losing at home to Darlington

24. Man in a shellsuit giving it large to someone 150 yards away in a non-adjoining stand.

25. Man in his early 40s muttering about the Germans under his breath for the entire 90 minutes, pausing only to occasionally yell abuse at the nearest left-back.

26. Bloke who wanders in 20 minutes late, chats to bloke next to them all the way through the game about how wrecked they were last night, leaves 20 minutes early. Occasionally looks up at game to throw some random abuse at own players/the referee.

27. Away team hits side netting, away fans cheer briefly, home fans find this all very amusing.

28. Bored-looking child wearing Big 4 club shirt at League 2 match

28a. Whilst everybody rips the piss out of his dad.

29. A joyful Mexican wave breaks out as the referee blows the whistle for kick-off. It continues for the duration of the match, inluding half-time.

30. A goal is celebrated by everyone throwing their bowler hats into the air and then wearing whichever hat they happen to catch in the ensuing chaos.

31. Players respond to a teammate's goal by lustily shouting 'HOWZAT!'.

32. Half-time is enlivened by a marching band and the guest appearance of Eddie The Eagle 'Edwards'.

I haven't been to a match since 2008, so some of these things may no longer be true.

33. Legendary home end appears entirely devoid of fervour.

34. Away fans arguing with stewards about unfurling of large union jack.

35. Self-appointed twat spokesman tersely shouting out tactical suggestions, referee abuse and rejoinders to the away fans' chants, as if they will be able to hear or respond to his pointlessly elaborate, Roy of the Rovers-like comments. Bonus points if he is cupping his hands around his mouth in an attempt to improve his chances of being heard by the people 100 or more yards away.

36. Everyone gets a bit bored around the 35th minute.

36. If match involves Liverpool, 'you'll never get a job' will be sung within the first ten minutes