Which TV football pundit would you most trust to cut your lawn?

souness seems a safe bet

i imagine he's really into special grass growth products etc

Just realised I left off Dowie and Venables. Bugger.

shearer is surely the obvious answer because 1. strained wordplay and 2. he will also creosote your fence

klinsmann

obviously not Desailly [/BigRon]

lolll

Think Dixon or Strachan would be pretty meticulous.

Would give most of them a go though, with the obvious exceptions of Dunphy and Merse.

le tiss would do fuck all all week and then turn your hedge into michelangelo's david on friday afternoon. or he would grab the mower as soon as he starts, plow it into the flower bed, and be seen later collecting a brown paper bag from a shady malaysian dude.

I'VE LEFT GARTH CROOKS OFF. FUCK'S SAKE.

And Matt Holland. And Martin Keown. And Gavin Peacock. But they're more excusable.

Definitely not Motson, i know that much

(though I'd have had Peacock as a sleeper pick to win - xp)

Went for Leroy, anyway. He'd do a good job of the lawn, plus I reckon he'd strim it really nicely too.

can't imagine modern-day Jack Charlton doing much besides mowing lawns tbh.

First answer that came into my headwithout seeing the poll options was Colin Murray, but I don't know why and I don't think it's true.

Gonna go Strachan, I think, no nonsense

Merson is getting nowhere near my fucking lawn, for the record

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Shearer - would not have researched the lawn in advance, possible excruciating attempts at banter
Hansen - Would just kill hundreds of women instead
Lawro - would sit down staring wistfully at the lawn for several hours, sighing, appearing to casually contemplate suicide, then take the money and leave
Dixon - Lee Dixon would do a good job on the lawn
Desailly - Marcel Desailly would mow the lawn with the rhythm and the lucidity and you would probably tip him
Southgate - Gareth Southgate would do a good job on the lawn but you would subsequently discover that he had added some weird home-made modification to the lawn mower and you'd be kind of unsure whether it was genius or potentially fatal
Earle - would give the lawnmower to some young women then resign in disgrace
Tahhhhnsend - you would get back to your lawn and it would be all randomly torn up and the lawnmower would be dismantled and Townsend would have killed your pets and shat everywhere
Savage - would sever an artery with the lawnmower for shits and giggles and sit there laughing at his own hilarious antics until he died
Claridge - would do a good job on the lawn but you would find the results inexplicably chilling and regret ever having approached Claringe for the rest of your life
Leroy - would do a good job on the lawn
Keggy - I don't know what this is
Souness - I dunno maybe he would try to intimidate the lawn?
Jamie - Redknapp would be a weird panicky wreck, cut the lawn erratically then make his excuses and bolt off apologetically 3/4 of the way through
Gray - Gray would sexually harass the lawn and upon completion of the mowing would triumphantly slap your back so hard you suffered internal bleeding
Wilkins - Wilkins' mowing of the lawn would be impeccable but his borderline autistic analysis during and after would make it more trouble than it was worth
Le Tiss - per NV, with the added risk that he would be found at a KFC a seemingly impossibly long distance away
Thommo - inept, his wife probably does this
Charlie - inept, his wife probably does this
Merse - Merse would bet you £8,000 that he will successfully mow the lawn; he would then sexually harass the lawn and shit all over it and cry and attempt suicide, and you would let him leave without claiming on the bet because it's a real shame about Merse
McInally - inept, his wife probably does this; throw in Jeff as a master of ceremonies and you get a passable job
Kammy - predictable bewilderment, probably knocks the fence down and goes into the neighbours' garden and doesn't notice or something
Deano - I'unno?
Dunphy - this probably writes itself I dunno?
Giles - ...
Brady - both probably just staring at whatever Dunphy does with a mixture of resentment and awe
Whelan -?
Sadlier - ?
PAT DOLAN - ?
Nevin - would mow all circles and random shit in the lawn with the look of a child pleased at having scribbled all over the walls in marker
Dodds - ?
Strachan - Strachan would mow the lawn very quickly and with no nonsense and mutter something incomprehensible and gruff before leaving
Klinsmann - I have no insight into how a fancy dan european type would mow a lawn
Jimmy Hill - frail, out of touch with reality, his wife probably does this
Jack Charlton - probably frail
Saint - hmm
Greavesie - has people to do this for him
Motty - out of his element, Mr Burns staring at ketchup and catsup in the supermarket, pathos
Neville - would be killed by any rat poison present on the lawn
Kevin Ratcliffe (I am unsure as to who Welsh people have as pundits) - I know right
Lomas - ?
Burley - boring
Dublin - Dublin would do a good job on the lawn
Waddle - Waddle is a wildcard in my opinion
McManaman - insert inappropriate debauchery
Other (insert here)

mpx4a will be delighted with that, and rightly so

Can't see past Southgate. Job was made for him.

Souness to cut down trees and shit. Wee Pat Nevin to design a water feature/rockery.

redknapp senior to make jokes and pal up with you all day. The lawn doesnt get done but you end up telling all your neighbours that e's done triffic

yeah it's tough to put a top garden togever in these conditions but you gotta 'ave a go aincha? The Fergusons in number 14 are 'avin a go, so's yer new Italian fella just moved in dan the road...

You'd look out your window and notice the lawn needs mowing, think 'I'll give Gareth Southgate a call later', then put on Sky Sports News for a minute to find Shearer declaring himself flattered but he's turned the opportunity down, it's not the right time and he wants to concentrate on his commitment to review the new Dobbie's for the South Shields Gazette.

Craig Burley would get his sleeves rolled up, cut it, moan about it, then tell you "I've cut your lawn, it's as simple as that".

I'd let him do everyone's lawns if it kept him off the telly. I fucking hate Craig Burley.

Dixon - Lee Dixon would do a good job on the lawn

This is what I think, too.

pat dolan would have heart failure before he'd done one row...

http://i35.tinypic.com/n1t2zl.jpg

I wouldn't trust many of these with much, but when it comes to ponderously walking up and down in a straight line I'd trust most of these with my life.

Okay maybe not Merse or Greavsie.

Or Wilkins for that matter, if rumours are to be believed. He might forget to stay on his feet.

think many of these lads egos wil get too far in the way of true lawn success. your agreeable likes of dixon and rosenior would do a solid job but not a truly outstanding one i feel.

lawro would piss & moan to begin with but i suspect he has aspie tendencies that would result in a top job after a while. peacock and brady would be meticulous too although gav might take too long swooning at the wonder of the big man's creation. probably refuse to do the weeds as well.

not sure about klinsi, no doubt he'd do a cracking job and fix the shed door on his break and stuff but he might ruin everything with a big dive celebration once you pay him.

I reckon Jimmy Hill would have done a good job, back in the day. Seems a bit much to ask of an 82-year-old, though.

he'd hold out for the phat cash too

Des: "So Andy, half the grass is still overgrown, you've knocked a tree down into the middle of the lawn, there's a big hole in the middle of the lawn with water spraying from it, and the lawnmower won't work because there's a dead cat in it. Do you think you got your lawnmowing tactics wrong?

Townsend: "No Des. With a lawn as great as this one, you've got to really go for it".

Where's Martin Keown in this list? Not that he'd do much other than wander round with one hand on the lawnmower while Lee Dixon pushes it.

Bill: Would it be fair to say Eamon, putting talk of Man Yooo aside, that you don't like cutting lawns, and you didn't want to cut this one?

Eamon: In this country we have produced some of the great minds in history Bill, Joyce, Beckett, Graham Norton, Cecilia Ahern, I will not sit here and listen to you clamour once more for us to return to doing cheap gardening work on the absentee landlord's back yard.

Life had been strange since Scholesy had retired. In the past it had been simple - training in the morning, home for a cup of tea, mow the lawn, pick the kids up from school. Regular as clockwork. Now Paul was confused, there was no training in the morning. He simply didn't know what to do.

On the days when Real Rescues was on, that was alright, otherwise he'd just sit there and drink tea. Another cup. And another. Two sugars. Three. Custard cream, perhaps. Then he looked at the clock - Paul had been drinking tea so long he'd forgotten to mow the lawn that day. And the kids needed picking up from school in 15 minutes! What to do? "I know", said Paul, "I'll give Gary a call, get him to help out".

Not long later, Paul pulled in at the front of his house and took the kids out the back. He wished he hadn't. The lawn, horrifyingly, was unmowed, and Gary Neville was standing there in the middle of the lawn, back arched back, cackling madly as he sent an arc of piss issuing forth right into the lawnmower's motor. Paul stood still in horror and was powerless to watch as Gary zipped himself up, bent over the lawnmower so that his face was only an inch or two from the metalwork, and shouted "Aaaaaaaah. Not such the big man now are you? How does that feel, you Scouse cunt. That's for you, Fowler, McManaman, Cilla Black, the lot of you." Paul covered his eyes. He wished his lawnmower wasn't made in Liverpool.

Poll needs Edgar Davids option, he even comes with his own safety goggles.

Charlton would dig up the lawn and replace it with a water feature with a gnome fishing.

Shame there's no Allardyce option, you just know he'd be dicking around with different grass fertilisers and irrigation systems.

But really Allardyce shd be mowing the lawn at Buckingham Palace or Versailles, he would win trophies for lawn mowing at any of the big gardens in Europe.

I wish this were less a lawn mowing poll than a lawn fertilizing poll.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

Southgate	2
Dixon		2
Strachan	2

Not sure I could handle wee Gordon's quips about the "big green area" behind him when explaining where he'd messed up my lawn.

Pretty good pundit panel imo - blend of intelligence, humour, experience (of failing Middlesbrough), not too much ego or jaded cynicism.

Who voted for McManaman????

He'd be good for cleaning up afterwards.

mcmanaman rakish
About 122,000 results (0.27 seconds)

(I am unsure as to who Welsh people have as pundits)

Chris Coleman missing from this poll

not too much ego

Is this is another Gordon Strachan you're talking about?

I mean all three combined - on some panels it's nothing but ego. I think the other two are modest enough to counterbalance wee Gogs' occasional egotism (& to be fair to him he can be not bad at the old self-deprecating-but-not-really-meaning-it thing).

His popularity mystifies me, he always strikes me as a deeply unpleasant person.

No, he's awright. I don't think it's possible for any one person to be as funny as Gordon Strachan thinks Gordon Strachan is but at least he actually is pretty funny

Kevin Keegan would be going great guns for the first half of the lawn but would then realise the size of the task still ahead and slow down before eventually stopping and announcing he was quitting lawnmowing forever and you'd have a half-mown lawn and Graeme Souness or Sam Allardyce eyeing the lawnmower menacingly and your garden would be full of fat half-naked Geordies crying.

lol

Kevin Keegan would be going great guns for the first half of the lawn but would then realise the size of the task still ahead and slow down before eventually stopping and announcing he was quitting lawnmowing forever

then a fortnight later you'd see Keegan mowing half of your neighbour's lawn.

No Jim Beglin either, but if he mowed your lawn and the next day somebody ask who mowed your lawn you'd be like, "Oh did someone mow my lawn yesterday?"

... hold on tho, he's not a pundit, he's a summariser, that's a whole 'nother poll