The Kevin Nolan Column

Tried to do this as a poll, but it didn't work. So here, in chronological order, is every single column Kevin Nolan wrote for the BBC website during the 2006/2007 season.

In some respects though I can be pretty boring
I am sure he did not mean to knock Pedro Mendes out
A lot of people said I should have been in England's squad
Players' books must be a good idea
He is often ... just making strange noises
Obviously, I'd be delighted with a call-up
I know Joey and he's a really sound lad
...he probably would not even give me a hot dog!
I know Steven, we are mates
I said something like "that is twice now"
He used to take the Michael a lot and have a joke
I am also helped greatly by my ability to sleep
...hopefully England will not be able to ignore me forever
I am not a diver and do not condone diving
I'm quite organised about my Christmas shopping
We don't intend to lose another game at home this season
There is no way I am cooking for everyone
Nico, as he is known at the club, is a great lad
the players at Bolton do not read newspapers too often
Bolton, of course, were linked with Beckham
I am often consulted on the planning for club functions
we will not be wearing cream suits like Liverpool in 1996
I drive myself to training and enjoy the 40-minute journey
I turned and grinned at him for several seconds
I got home around midnight and watched Miami Vice on DVD
I jumped on Ricardo Gardner's back and dunked him
A few other suggestions are likely to end in a yellow card
As signing my new contract shows, I clearly do not agree
It came a year to the day after 9/11
Every time I go shopping I always buy a big block
Sam Allardyce has had his say in no uncertain terms
I became extremely bored with watching the raised arm
maybe Bolton will be involved in the competition!
Some took their forms home but I dealt with it at work
Do mind games work?
I think Sammy Lee can become a top manager
Worst kit? Blackburn Rovers. It just is.
Personally speaking, I thought I had a good season

"every time i go shopping i always buy a big block"

Curry or kebab?
Curry, but don't get me wrong, I don't mind a kebab every now and again.

why limit yourself, there's a whole other world of fast food if you walk 10 yards down the street

The headings alone are brilliant. Have no intention of reading the articles.

'We don't intend to lose another game at home this season' - presumably they set out with the intention of losing a few but when they got pulled towards the relegation zone decided they should put a stop to it. Pity those teams that don't realise this and decide to carry on losing at home. Fools.

'I am sure he did not mean to knock Pedro Mendes out' - Is this Ben Thatcher he's talking about? If so, then yes he probably did mean to knock him out.

'..hopefully England will not be able to ignore me forever' - wouldn't wait by the phone Kev. Do you have to have played international football to retire from it?

'I turned and grinned at him for several seconds' - ????????????

'Every time I go shopping I always but a big block' - chocolate? coke?

'I think Sammy Lee can become a top manager' - !!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh God I missed
'I got home around midnight and watched Miami Vice on DVD' - No wonder Andy Carroll upped sticks to Pool. Must have been torture living with Nolan.

Still at least he's mates with Steven, Joey's a good lad, and Ben didn't mean to knock anyone out.

Don't sit on the fence mate - stick the boot in. Should Ben Thatcher be sent to prison after hospitalising a player?
Dan, Wembley

I think prison might be a bit harsh but it was a nasty challenge and thankfully everything is OK. I'm sure he'll get a deserved punishment and hopefully he will learn from it and carry on having a good career.

unless you stick the boot in you're sitting on the fence.

Often opposition supporters ask where my sisters are - the Nolan Sisters, geddit? Just for the record, I don't have any sisters.

Anyway, last Saturday someone shouted something at me and I turned and grinned at him for several seconds. Several of you sent e-mails asking me about it this week and all I can say is that I very much enjoy the banter.

The other day I jumped on Ricardo Gardner's back and dunked him.

He emerged from the water in something of a panic, wagging his finger in my direction.

It turns out that when Ricardo was a boy he used to swim the length of a pool under water on a daily basis, starting from the deep end and finishing in the shallow end.

One time he misjudged the distance and tried to stand up when still towards the deeper end of the pool.

He had to be rescued by lifeguards and has not been in water deeper than his waist ever since.

I did apologise for bringing back all those memories but it was quite funny to hear him tell the story.

lol

Dioufy does not just have the loudest clothes. You hear him before you see him. He is often not actually saying anything, just making strange noises.

story kind of doesn't make sense. "misjudged the distance"?? surely like, you're at end or you're not. and also like, if he was swimming every day he'd hardly get into difficulty just cos he found himself in the middle of the deep end. i mean there is a pretty easy way to remedy that for the daily swimmer.

there's probably some nult involvement in the ghostwriting

nult seems to be in northwest and both nolan and fellow columnist micah richards play(ed) there

iirc there were some lols in the micah richards column where he delicately alludes to his shame after the pics of him and ishmael miller fucking a girl in toilet were published in the notw

still can't believe gavin strachan beat richards to the pulitzer that year