why carroll is just never not going to be a wasteman

the fa cup final goal rather codified my lazy theory abt carroll

u will remember the first half of last season when he 'took the epl by storm'

some of that was just by 'absolutely bullying defenders' which to some extent was true, the apogee of this was when he appeared to subdue arsenal at the emirates with rambunctious tubthumping irrepressibility and all that ronay ish

ppl began to notice that when newcastle were parking the bus, he had the chance to chase balls over 30 yards and he magically appeared almost fast at thoroughbred canter

however the bulk of his goals seemed to be more serendipitious, especially his goals that weren't headed in, which were often like the chelsea goal -- a surprisingly purposive swagger in the penalty area and then just hitting the ball extremely hard

somehow he seemed to be rewriting the template for forward play, no more would forwards have to delicately control sliderule passes before shimmying past a defender and sidefooting a carefully placed finish into the far corner, rather pure will-to-power would triumph, for carroll was in heat and the epl was his vaguely caniform victim

then, cast into kk's ersatzy pass-and-move, he no longer found himself 30 yards adrift for the entire match but had to try and simulate composure and combination, qualities so inapt to his nature that it begot the narrative of carroll as a forlorn casualty of the civilizing process

the trouble was that carroll really wasn't so brutishly effective as his initial flowering suggested, placed against epl defences for two whole seasons his supposedly numinous qualities don't really seem all that any more -- he is big, but not /that/ big, he is good in the air but not /that/ good in the air, he's still as slow as fuck and last week he looked like he could barely subdue a secondrate big like ashley williams

for six months he fucked the epl to death but then it started fucking him, he was the ched evans to the essien of the real and alan pardew was no longer there to save him

the prototype for him should be carew, who was going to be amazing for about six months at valencia before narrowing out as a stolidly reliable reepian #9

he will never even nearly be a sub-drogba, a knockoff vieri, an epigone adriano

yeah, see

you're just sayin that defenders weren't coping with him before kk's tactics fucked his game.

He p much *is* that big, p much *is* that good in the air.

Whether a cf whose main mo is to treat epl centrehalves like skittles while never really being involved in play can ever work again for a side expected to dominate matches, well, that's the question imo.

Carroll has been leashed and quelled, but not solved imo.

also it does appear to be a thing that bigs like carroll, heskey, davies, aforementioned carew, quinny all burst unstoppably onto the scene killing weirs and stubbses as if they were the first carnivore and nobody else had figured the new order of things, there is almost inevitably a lost period, sometimes from the early twenties til the fourth decade starts, where the big roams rootlesss and forlorn through the jungle formations of coaches who would tame the beast and tour it in the revues and science meets of the great cities. Perhaps there is a little of the christ tale at work, as if the big strain carries some seed or kernel that must flower then wither before growing strong. Only when the season is right, and under a gardener of the right ken (mon bring such) can the big put forth his mighty branches and grow strong again, that the evergreen kevin philips may shelter and find bounty in their shade.

you're just sayin that defenders weren't coping with him before kk's tactics fucked his game

idk deems u will of noticed how i described that theory in order to give it short shrift

the thing is is rly isnt that big! just compare him to a 4real fucking lump like heskey and he looks like some scrawny juvie kid who maybe got his mum to smuggle in a couple of protein shakes

he is a scrawny kid, dude's what 21? Protein won't start sticking to him for another year or two imo, i remember when warnock or carragher had the same rawboned hulkishness

that is def a thing about lump #9s tending to be most successful in their late 20s onwards

but the only lump #9 who performed well enough for a good side was heskey in that one season where he scored about 20 goals and terrorized defenders to the extent that they didn't notice lil mickey owen was stealing a ballon d'or in the background

difference was heskey was really really explosively powerful and combined it with sprinter pace

carroll is just not close to that, and he is 23 already

if he adds mass he'll just get slower and he really doesn't want to do that

pace isn't a highlighted stat on the 'big' subscreen, tho- heskey's pace saw him used as a lw by nocloullier (who also turned him into the worst 20 stone diver ever seen).

i. lassoo yr big
ii. corral him at the shoulder of the last man, with fence runs allowing him access to the box

iii. fuck the ball at the cunt as and when, have a pixie running round him picking up the droppings.

Anything else and u don't know bigs

that is a nice post up there btw but the story of the successful lump #9 is not some medieval flimflam about ye olde dragons and kindly yeomen masters, it's about some cunt whose eyes don't even move while they smash some other cunts skull open on a washbasin because they're bored

sure but only cos society moved them indoors, kinder to kill them off imo

the invocation of essien was cuz he rather than drogba or any other superpower forward is the closest adequation to the unrealizable form of carrollness

essien was absolutely incomparable for a couple of seasons before he became a diminishing series of acl ruptures

he isn't all that big, but nobody was more powerful, and not even roy keane could approximate the level of unbridled aggression and relentlessness

he had to spend about 14 hours a day asleep and spend 90% of the rest in quiescent near-stupour in order to explode upon the epl every weekend

every schoolboy can recite those storied stanzas -- even though ched evans is a big strong boy, essien nonetheless absolutely raked him

it wasn't merely the coarseness of the metaphor that consigned pardew's punditry career to premature obsolescence, it was his bearing witness to this irruption of ideal viciousness into the the epl's legion of failed mma fighters and smalltown sociopaths

wait omg am i the last person on earth that to realise evans of all ppl was pardew's rake victim so long ago

essien is a pocket big, a 1g usb key to carroll's 100mb zipdisk, but idk is a combative cm (most of whom of necessity possessing athleticism beyond other outfield positions and many of the finest of that position not topping 6ft) are comparable to yr classic bigs, the cb's and the cf's, lumpen endzoners

This is a lovely thread.

He will always score against Everton.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Football/Pix/pictures/2012/5/25/1337982514412/Andy-Carroll-001.jpg

haha yeah i lolled at that earlier. if only ilx did profile pics

"the starry sky above me, the moral law within me???"

http://www.carrollcountysolidwaste.com/

By joining Keep Carroll County Beautiful, you can be an active part of the solution. The beauty of Carroll County can be restored and preserved if people will unite and work together.

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waste costs

still rmde at people who think this cunt just needs a friendly environment and he will turn into an actual fitba player

like cruyff on inzaghi a thousandfold, can't you fucking see he cannot play football?

to think people compare him to someone like drogba

just ftr you're not an inzaghi denier are you

papiere bitte

nah that was straight calumny, inzaghi was a proper player

http://www.holymoly.com/sites/default/files/imce/andy-carroll-2.jpg

http://www.holymoly.com/sites/default/files/imce/andy3.jpg

"Not my snake though ;)"

The famous former Poland international Zbigniew Boniek fired the first shot ahead of tonight's World Cup qualifier against England when he said that his eight-year-old grandson was a more technically accomplished player than striker Andy Carroll.

Carroll, 23, is highly unlikely to start the match in Warsaw but asked about the merits of the Liverpool striker, on loan at West Ham this season, on Polish television, Boniek was caustic. He said: "My grandson Mateo moves better on the pitch than Andy Carroll. He has better co-ordination. He is very good at golf and tennis."

http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/international/my-grandson-is-more-skilful-than-andy-carroll-claims-poland-legend-zbigniew-boniek-8212589.html

some poles can be so bourgie

sprig of parsley on that meat & potatoes though and it's ooh la la

otm. there's a reason they seamlessly blended in in ireland.

http://i.imgur.com/NSWUiZw.jpg?1

You see that fuckin turn tonight

so fucking shit

‘Andy Carroll playing football is something we have to take very big care about,’ said the West Ham chief ahead of Sunday’s FA Cup third-round tie at Nottingham Forest.

itt: nakh & deems attain ILF nirvana

though much is taken, much abides imo

longing for the days in which my typos actually lent something unlooked for and half-mystical to my posts tbh

13 in 72 in the epl since his move to liverpool

branislav ivanovic has 12 epl goals in that time

Ya, playing for a title-chasing team ffs

Are West Ham going to pursue this all the way to the UN or what?

deems are u a mental defective or is that a serious attempt at mitigation

you have been strange lately do you need to talk it out

the story of the successful lump #9 is not some medieval flimflam about ye olde dragons and kindly yeomen masters, it's about some cunt whose eyes don't even move while they smash some other cunts skull open on a washbasin because they're bored

― navihchkan (nakhchivan), Wednesday, May 16, 2012 11:49 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^ posts that haunt my thoughts tbh

idk deems i just mean carroll is scoring at the rate you would expect of a physically dominant defender who scores at a good rate from set plays and in ivanovic' case, from open play, robert huth had a similar scoring rate at stoke a couple of years ago

it's not even like ivanovic is an attacking fullback like coleman who regularly gets to the opposition box

for a #9 to score at those rates over a three year period is pretty awful, it's no better than someone like victor anichebe or carlton cole

carroll has had over £50m spent on him in that time

lol no i was not srs ffs

but tell you what malty i feel carroll's maybe got a big role to play in west ham's season and from there you never know

alright u are forgiven

im sort of disgusted with west ham though, the cynicism in paying £9m for matt jarvis, £80k a week or whatever to downing, £60k a week to kevin nolan, to play the worst percentage fitba around under one of the best paid managers in the world, and barely staying in the division but nothing will change because they have sunk so much cash into this dogshit and there is no other way these players can play

on some level you have got to rejoice in the willingness of ppl like the davids to sink such enormous amounts into such a dedicated theoretical exercise, i mean even were they to stay up it will have had no value whatsoever except the replication of an ugly existence, fat sam's graffiti 'fuck you' to the world writ large in so many millions, it is in fact a wonder that a saatchi hasn't seen fit to sponsor him as a YBA all things considered

allardyce at bolton had the mitigation of having little money, and also an ability to wring a couple of good years out of virtually past it mid 30s former greats like hierro or djorkaeff or anelka, so you could glean some sort of wry humour from his overachieving

now he is fully funded and plays the worst shit imaginable, he will be lucky to finish as high as zola managed on a lower expenditure but unlike zola is unlikely to be fired any time soon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jN_4YYAKtfU

that should be or okocha

anelka was another shrewd bit of business though

yeah anelka had a p good time there

ivan campo and the first of the truly 'wtf srsly' robinson concessions from range

Anelka was already mid-thirties in football years tbf

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1o1lc_ivan-campo-stunner-vs-tottenham_sport

just astounded by how bad his technique is, not even just his control but his footwork and shape and everything even before the ball reaches him, ten yard passes hit into him with any force and they just bounce off his standing leg

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