ILF MATCHMAKERZ: Choose an English Premier League side for me to support

oi,

American basketball fan/ILH mod seeks English "football" club to support.

considerations:
--my devotion to the San Antonio Spurs basketball team is slavish. as such, I look for analogues in other sports. small market teams that play great team ball and are decent ppl IRL. also if I support tottenham I can just say go spurs like I do anyway.
--balotelli in the euro was rad and I def have an appreciation for weird dudes.
--I live in texas. fwiw.

hates:
--teams that win all the time due to spending hella dollars all the time.
--teams that lose all the time due to disfunctional ownership/management (more pity than hate).
--racism. *polishes Good Person medal*

hook me up before the season starts so I can give a bigger shit this year.

oh hang on

Time was you could've found a small team at the top top level, but no longer. I reckon either of the North London sides tbh - Spurs' trump card is the name, Arsenal are a little weirder. Whichever you pick, the really important thing is that from then on you hate the other one.

No idea how Texas fits in.

Ooh wait, Southampton may be the team for you. Small-town weirdness ahoy, good footy, and Hampshire is our Texas.

pics?

newcastle or swansea imo

spurs, everton, southampton also kinda fit but mightnt be as fun either for you or for us

southampton are a hella dollars outfit btw

it may be on the sly but they are

So they are. Newcastle then, though I'm still not comfortable with their new status as one of the good guys.

reading our the Geordie dialect and Newcastle is in the lead

about, not our

yeah you ought to be aware that newcastle were the most pitiful spendthrifts, the kind you would have hated, up until a revelatory season last year

and their board may yet still implode again one day

they are most lovable for the most part though

  Newcastle also has a "friendship agreement" with Little Rock, United States.[188]

shit, why was ths ever a question

i mean spurs does make perfect sense tbf, you will most likely enjoy yourself fine and won't have to change the stationary or anything

we just have a lot of those already is all

who is we, ilx or the universe?

trying to think of football spurs equivalents for bball spurs. doesn't match exactly because football spurs aren't successful.
ledley king = tim duncan - except duncan not a broken shell of a man who has just retired
manu ginobli = gareth bale - dashing moves + diving
tony parker = thudd - except parker can sprint and is french

is splitter on the spurs? I forget.

shame redknapp is gone cos could have had
'arry = pop - except pop is about 100 times smarter.

ILX xp. They must be on holiday atm, or at the Olympics or something, because football threads tend to devolve into Spurs minutiae within about fifteen minutes normally.

I've been angling for a Newcastle fan for years, you should give serious thought to being that fella. Massive weight gain and comedy sense of entitlement are optional, I guess.

splitter is on the spurs. wd be cool to find a 7 foot tall Brazilian equivalent.

I guess Newcastle is a good fit.

I'd like to point out that ILF lacks discussion from fans of Man City, Norwich, Stoke, Sunderland, Swansea, West Brom and Wigan. Only Swansea and maybe Wigan/West Brom would be appropriate for you though.

who are thee Newcastle fiends in this piece

We've got Norwich, we had City a couple of years back, and Jim claimed a recent switch to Sunderland though I doubt he could give less of a fuck nowadays.

I will hold a soft spot for man city bc of balotelli

ive settled on Newcastle bc they aren't terrible and bc of b&w color scheme (de facto San Antonio sports colors) and also Geordies

also because fucking CASTLES

Good man. You won't regret it*. I hate the stadium, but it's right in the city centre, which also makes for a fun night out in the unlikely event you happen to find yourself in the area.

* you might

I am about to have a child, my world traveling days are over before they even had a chance to get started unless I become fabulously wealthy in the next few years

"Massive weight gain and comedy sense of entitlement are optional, I guess."

Congrats. Might I suggest Faustino would be a good name?

Nobby Solano Bison.

xp, already gaining weight this summer and I'm American, I'm born w a certain sense of entitlement already

my wife would not be up for those names, m'fraid

You must now learn to love and Hatem Ben Arfa and fear the day Ba's knee/contract ends.

does Ben Arfa do amazing and beautiful plays and alternately does risky boneheaded shit as well? because that is Manu ginobili

He's an amazing dribbler

I was just making a lame love and hatem joke. Hatem is his first name.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Football/Clubs/Club_Home/2009/6/26/1246028263019/Alan-Shearer-001.jpg

You think you love this man but he is poison.

But comedy gold as a commentator, esp if you're not English.

http://www.gladwinmanagement.biz/images/Peter_Beardsley.jpg

welcomes you

Remember to forget 'sexy football'...

re: my comment earlier

just meant we don't hear a lot from fans of those, not that we don't have them. of course everything gets drowned out by arsenal/spurs/liverpool/rooney anyway but

How's your standing-in-the-streets-and-crying technique?

Can you get to the SportsDirect Arena's front doors in less than fifteen minutes whenever a signing is rumoured?

as an nba spurs fan, I have put myself on suicide watch countless times

One my root-for-against-all-the-teams-I-loathe sides is Moyes' Everton.

Also as an American you're obliged to look fondly on Fulham

Bonus fact: Beardsley was one of three players to unsuccessfully audition for the rap in 'World In Motion'. Gazza and (I think) Des Walker were the others.

I'm convinced this was one of those mysterious watershed moments in human history. Like if you went back to 1990 and mixed in Beardsley's rap, then came to the present day and the Soviet Union and East Germany are duking it out at the top of the medals table.

Also as an American you're obliged to look fondly on Fulham

This, basically. I've avoided picking a single club to "support" (nb imo you can only truly support your local club) in England for quite a while now. My advice would be to follow the various Americans, cheer for the giant-slayers, and just enjoy yourself. Save the nail-biting for your hometown club (or, like, whichever of Dallas/Houston you can stand to follow in MLS). Life is just better that way, plus you get to get in on the ground floor of fandom locally & help take part in building something (potentially) big.

I am in no way abandoning my fledgling Scorpions, and due to their plausible entry into the MLS, I will not support Dallas or Houston (ESP since we already beat the dynamo reserves in the US open cup) because ew.
I am a total sports jingo, will always big up Dempsey and Bradley and altidore etc.

lookin forward to big up the toon, will make watching EPL more interesting 4 me

btw non-US ppl, ILH will return the matchmaking favor if u wanna hoop this year

Tend to support players, not teams, as far as bball goes. Tho' Nash going to the Lakers has crossed one more off my list :(

yeah, we've been mourning that move on ILH

newcastle is a solid choice. they should be good next year, and i love how they built the team on really good scouting. cisse is a joy to watch. think they will finish above tottenham (thread needed some tottenham minutiae)