Kids say the darndest things

I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:

Ben: EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEE!

My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

hahaha

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

hahaha

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

AWWWWW!!!

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

nothing like this ever happens to me

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"A!"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"T!"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

haa :)

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

nickelodeon brainwash

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

I know, I love it.

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

keep that one around!

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

Agreed. That's so cute.

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

^ That is awesome.

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

amazing

Opal's latest poem, a birthday card for her best friend Peter, who's birthday is the day after hers...

"When I'm in need your always there. Your always kind and you always share.
You have lots of trick up your sleeves.
We work together just like branches and leavs.
When we are together we are one of a kind, no catagory.
When we are together we have a crown of glory!
This is the end of this poem, but before we drop the curtan,
When we are together, nothings for certain!
It's the end but still the start.
I want you to know your always part of my heart."

omg these last 2 posts are both amazing ♥️♥️♥️♥️

Opal rules at poetry!

book deal pls stat

last night during dinner Opal was talking about what our lives must've been like before we were born and she said "You spend all your time sitting on the couch reading a book called 'The Meaning of the Word Sad'" and after we cracked up at that she said "and a book called 'I'm Blue, What Should I Do?"

my kid's been into video games since he was 5 (thank you pandemic) but he's getting to the point where he wants to go beyond Mario stuff. the kids in his class are really into Fortnite and Minecraft and I don't really want him to be into that sort of stuff just yet. he does love sports though and gets really excited about sports arcade games so I was telling him about Madden. and he nodded his head and said "oh so it's like Linebacker Alley 2!!"

"You spend all your time sitting on the couch reading a book called 'The Meaning of the Word Sad'"

this is amazing and hilarious

9yo has 'opened a detective agency' for any mysteries I may have.
He said 'You don't have to pay me anything for detective work, just be nice to me. To me, that's worth about £1.50'

A kinder detective agency if you will

Opal's latest poem. She was proud to say it's her first poem that doesn't rhyme. Even though it sort of does. But I understand what she means.

Still

The clouds are still
The pond is still
My thoughts are still
The rocks are still
The houses are still
My pencil is still
The cars are still
My room is still
My bed is still
My heart is still
The night is still

Wow! She has a knack for it, for sure.

My daughter's (age 13) creative outlet is through her digital art, which I'm not going to share here. Some of it is fan art, but she has a lot of original characters as well. And on more than one occasion, she's told me these complicated stories explaining her art. I've begged her to write them down, but she won't do it. I've even offered to take dictation, just so she can have a record of these creative impulses, but she hasn't taken me up on it. I want her to be able to remember it, just because I know that she barely has any memory of the characters and universes that she created when we would play toys together in her early childhood. I've also tried explaining to her that when she gets older, these stories could serve as a good basis for something to revise and put out there into the world.

Could you record the conversations with her?

Well, it's been a while since she has brought up any of the stories around her art. When she shows me her new characters, I still ask if there is any background. If there is, she hasn't let me in on it. The longest stories that she told me were probably a year or so ago. Maybe I'll ask if she still remembers them and would be comfortable with recording them. Thanks for the suggestion.

Here's Opal's latest poem. I'll stop sharing all of these, it's getting too much. This one she described as her "Shakespeare Poem", we're not sure what she means by that, she's never read Shakespeare or had any read to her, she's only had the plot of Romeo and Juliet described to her. I think she thinks it's deep and uses the word "thee" and thus is Shakespeare. Also note, this is firmly tongue in cheek. She's written some sad ennui-filled stuff in the past, but this is a joke to her for sure, apparently the title is a phrase she repeats over and over again to annoy two of her classmates.

"
Floating in a void of only blank existence
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

I love thee
more than we can see
For "no us" means
nothing and there's always
a new beginning
and we are floating in a void of
blank existence.
Yes my dear, listen and hear.
We are floating in a void in
a void of blank existence.
Floating in a void of blank existence.

-opal
"

Opal's (very good) poem reminds me of:

"This is not about a kingdom which is in the past, but it is about a kingdom called Not, which although it is not, yet is”
— Sun Ra, KINGDOM OF NOT, rec.1956

Which is also good (and also repeated to annoy)

I'm enjoying Opal's poems.

thanks.

https://y.yarn.co/c4c95f9b-86f9-42bc-8319-95ccc3e7b392_text.gif

Whereas my 9yo managed to insult the whole of Wales when we were out walking in Cardiff (we live in England) - he saw a sign and said "Why does that sign look like a child typed random letters on a typewriter?" - he wasn't trying to be clever, I think it hadn't occurred to him what the Welsh language looks like, despite having a friend who speaks Welsh with his family...

You're child's right about what Welsh signs look like!

One day when she's older Opal's going to google and find all of these and get really mad at me for sharing them. Sunday we took the train into the city and as we neared the station Opal noticed a tiny "tree" had sprouted on top of the stairs (the little roof over the stairs). Apparently she wrote this in school yesterday, folded it up and put it in her shoe. My wife just found it and sent me a pic. I added the paragraph breaks. That's my license and prerogative. It is definitely what I needed to read this morning.

A BURST OF GREEN

One day, in may
on my way to manhattan,
on top of the station,
I saw something to
start a conversation.

A tiny tree!
Something to see!
It inspired me,
that little tree.

I smiled. It was something
that would cheer up any
little child.

That little tree inspired me,
and I hope this poem inspires you.

Jeez Opal find an illustrator and publish already

Something very Margaret Wise Brown about that one. It also reminds me of Madeline - the big city, and even the rhythm of it

Totally get that. Madeline for sure.

Opal needs her own thread if not published book of poetry.

Agreed.

She started a book of poems for mother's day but when i asked her about it this morning she said it might not be done and she has a back-up plan. I said you don't need to fill the whole thing with poems, and you have a bit more time. I really wanted to see the rest, when she showed it to me last week it was just a cover and one poem. I asked her what the back-up plan was and she said it was a secret. I have to say this is a nice shift from times when I'm trying to figure out what to do for my wife's birthday/holidays/mothers day etc and also have to help her get something together. Soon I'll just let her take the lead and I'll give her some cash or something and ask to sign my name to whatever she comes up with.

She does have a habit of starting these projects and not finishing. We've bought a few boxes of these little blank notebooks and there's so many that are just a cover and like, a table of contents. Sometimes there will be a synopsis and author's blurb quotes on the back, but no story! I'm not saying I want to pressure her into finishing things now, she's 7, but I really wanted to see more of the mother's day poems.

She made a library in her room. Taped up some boxes and it says "opal's library" and it has all her books in it and she asks us if we want to borrow any.

This is a good one and it's not something Opal said.

Yesterday was her first day at botanical garden camp and her friend Ren needed a ride home...Ren has a newish little sister who has caused him some distressed.

Ren and Opal are in car seats in the back when Ren turns to Opal and says:

"Opal, are you single?"

Opal says "what does that mean?"

My wife turns around and says "wait a minute Ren, what does 'being single' mean to you?"

Ren says "do you have a brother or sister?"

My wife explains that being "single" usually means doesn't have a partner, and that he's asking if she's an only child.

Single, but sibling-curious

My four year old just said the earth was going to die in 10 days fyi

aww man

Probably for the best.

people are saying

Opal hasn't been writing as much poetry but did this the other day.

The ingeniouse girl
is a masterpiece. Standing
at our feet. She fixes
and repairs the things
that are obsolete.
And what she makes
of those old things is
really something new;
she could make a trough
for the cows that
moo, or a house for the
birds that always coo.
She could make a light
for the people at night
or the man next door
a shoe. She really
is a masterpiece.
Standing at our
feet. For she fixes
and reapirs the things
that are obsolete!

A++ i have been on a poetry binge and rate this a++

opal is one of the best ilx posters tbrr

Thank you. I'm afraid to tell her I share these here, and worry about the day she discovers them on her own. I'll probably broach the subject before that. Sometimes she's happy when we share or her poems or art, other times, less so.

if she doesn't want her poetry shared w/ internet creepos like us then it is probably best to respect her wishes, despite her poems being great and your very sweet pride in her and our unanimous acclaim

suppose we'll have that conversation soon enough.

Opal just told me that before she came I had...

Gray days

Bleak weeks

Fear years

Then she was born and now I'm happy.

Age 10 and the ‘hilarious’ cards phase has started. He gave me one which said, “GONNA GO LIE UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE TO REMIND MY FAMILY THAT I AM A GIFT” and then proceeded to lie down under our tree to prove his point. The thing is, he is a total gift but I have to keep such soppy thoughts to myself.

“why are you so jarring”

Haven't posted an Opal poem in a while, she's still at it and just finished a poetry section in 2nd grade where all the kids were writing poems. They had a "unit celebration" "cafe" where the parents came to the class after drop-off and the kids shared their poems while we drank lemonade and ate cookies. A few kids got up to present. Opal's poem was called

"Outside the Window of My Room"

Outside the window of my room
The flowers bloom and bloom
and bloom

Outside the door of my home
the shells all come
with the ocean foam

Above the tiles of my roof
the moon the sun
the stars all aloof

outside the window of my room
the flowers bloom and bloom
and bloom

little kid explaining civilization to his mom yesterday at Ikea

"Everything that used to be a city didn't used to be there. There wasn't anything. Then when humans got smart enough to build homes, guess where they built them? Forests! In the animals' homes!"

"if (x happens) i'm gonna swing"

"buns" "cheeks" "peak" "wet" = terrible/embarrassing/cringe

"tough" = amazing, a "superword" a la frank kogan

"leng" = delicious

"ting" = a girl

I cannot wait to enter this phase! Secondary school begins in September and I’m expecting s lexical explosion in our house.

my oldest son has sworn like a sailor ever since he got into secondary. he has no filter. the other day he literally says "i'm just gonna go bang out a quick shit." this was not him being funny, this is how he talks

i'm just gonna go bang out a quick shit.

Amazing

he’s gone from adorable to like mid-career jack nicholson in the space of a few months

“Ting” for “girlfriend” was in the chorus of Ramz: Barking (a big hit in the UK) all the way back in 2018, so it’s almost passe!

and “you know my ting” by ghetts feat shakka was 2017

lol yeah there’s a continuum. “wet” goes back to the 1970s surely