God bless the goddamn Onion

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

roffle

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

a hrarf!

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

okay that is awesome

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

One of my more flattering caricatures.

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyKlassicMujahideen.article.jpg

I watched it. Monstrous. Often inscrutable as to what it’s intending to do. I assumed it’s meant to be profoundly unfunny and stupid, as a way to tell the viewer there is truly nothing funny here, just monstrous people getting away with it, and us allowing it.

I had some deep guilty laughs at the headlines on the Pedophile Island Tribune and seeing Mister Met in a collage of conspirators

laughed pretty hard at Epstein immediately trying to hang himself when he goes to trial

Thought it was pretty funny.

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/meips/ADKq_NYBKJTYT76wDsZ6zvgnJGMCJ93YE8UTEQDJYyH8wmyYHSHRAcP0lMDUYRBn0Z4sUUBkohq8rb6zmuq0qrMSDFWhUw4iGmQyOXd_00UWbt92j4AnknGkJUfhMwmaACtfrALhT3owsbgprDhnM2pQRMGW7kqdujwF4J0=s0-d-e1-ft#https://mcusercontent.com/58c80b904ec17bc5299e62ab0/images/2c9f8256-5a9a-38c3-6c11-32584c412fad.jpg

whoa harsh toke

https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/Soot_Prince_Andrew_NIB_G_PH.jpg

Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest

https://theonion.com/soot-covered-prince-andrew-begging-on-street-for-child-to-molest/

enjoyed this: https://theonion.com/not-sure-how-they-deal-with-criminals-in-your-town-but-round-here-we-use-a-restorative-justice-process/

god i was crying laughing at that

if u dont subscribe to the print edition, i highly recommend it. they save some of their best stuff for that.

Think I’m bluffin’? Why don’t you ask the last guy who tried to argue that crime is a violation of the law and the state, rather’n a violation of people and relationships.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHYbm6K0HlU

lol @ « encircled »

heh that was good

They're in a golden age at the moment imo, just hit after hit.

From the Hard Times

Trump Awarded Hormel Peace Prize

https://thehardtimes.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2025/12/trump-award.jpg

Missed opportunity to make the medal a disc of processed meat.

not the Onion but:

WOW! AN HONOR! — GCN pic.twitter.com/93QmN531X5

— Governor Newsom Press Office (@GovPressOffice) December 6, 2025

imo fails because the actual cannot be surpassed— kohls is not particularly corrupt enough

It *is* America’s largest source of tshirts where you can cut off the sleeves

https://theonion.com/student-whos-been-in-3-school-shootings-starting-to-think-this-might-be-about-him/

Fuck, they don’t pussyfoot around. https://theonion.com/u-s-reaches-trade-deal-with-pedotopia/

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.

We've enlisted the help of
, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.

Please stand by for more.

xpost Took longer than they planned but they did, per Ben Collins on Bluesky:

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.

We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.

For fuck's sake, sign up for The Onion, and get a free limited edition IW tote.

A share of merch sales will go to the Sandy Hook families, which will be the first time they get any money since they filed this lawsuit eight years ago.

Legal fees have been insane. Please sign up and help us out!

https://theonion.info/

lol tim heidecker is perfect

Turn Your Piss Into Gold
Turn Your Gold Into Piss

Yes. Yes!!

— Sickos Everywhere

maybe its crossing the streams too much but if Tim could get Roy Larue involved that would be perfect

apparently Alex Jones has spent the last couple days posting Tim & Eric clips and freaking out about them, suffice to say it's been worth it already

so is this a done deal? Or could a judge put the kybosh on it?

i think it still needs approval

apparently Alex Jones has spent the last couple days posting Tim & Eric clips and freaking out about them, suffice to say it's been worth it already

Is there any way to see this without going on twitter or truth social or whatever?

Alex Jones
@RealAlexJones
⚠️EXTREME VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED: The Man Hired By The Onion To Take Over Infowars Produced Pro-Pedophile / Child Torture & Murder Shows For Adult Swim In Conjunction With Will Ferrell Who Took Part In Satanic Rituals With Spirit Cooking High Priestess Marina Abramović!

The Satan Obsessed Tim Heidecker Has Openly Bragged That He Is Set To Steal Alex Jones' Job, And That He Plans To Steal Alex Jones' Identity In Order To Destroy The Infowars Brand!

Alex Jones & His Legal Team Have Already Filed & Are Planning To File Major Legal Challenges To This Attempted High Jacking Of Infowars & His Identity By These Democrat-Backed Deranged Lunatics!

Alex Jones & His Legal Team Have Already Filed & Are Planning To File Major Legal Challenges To This Attempted HighHEI Jacking Of Infowars & His Identity By These Democrat-Backed Deranged Lunatics!

xpost Posts the Tim & Eric clip "Steve Mahanahan's Child Clown Outlet"

"Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French"

“Marina Abramović“

huh?!?

xp took me a second to realize the joke wasn't supposed to be racism

Abramović is a Pizzagate deep cut!

What?!? How do these people even know who she is?

she was mentioned in one of Tony Podesta’s emails (he’s a collector/patron of contemporary art). look up “spirit cooking”

^^^ in the Clinton emails

Some Believe Marina Abramovic Is the Satanic Ringleader of a Global Political Conspiracy. That’s Ludicrous. But Here’s What They Get Right

https://news.artnet.com/art-world/marina-abramovic-new-world-order-explainer-1838223

Abramović first became the object of the fascination of the online right during the final days of the 2016 election, when the Wikileaks dump of emails from Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta revealed a reference to a “Spirit Cooking” dinner with the artist.

Tony Podesta was asking his brother if he would like to come to the event. John never replied. But old footage of an obscure ’90s Marina Abramović performance called “Spirit Cooking” containing pig-blood graffiti and occult slogans certainly looked spooky.

Out of Shadows rehashes all this, but also views Abramović’s role as extending far beyond evil dinner parties. Indeed, the major smoking gun it finds is the fact that Abramović tutored Lady Gaga in performance art back in 2013—thus making Gaga’s flamboyant stage shows Satanist by extension. One performance-art exercise, in which Gaga was told to enter the woods, strip, and then find her way home, is said to be suspiciously similar to CIA mind-control exercises.

Mind boggling.

Oh god yes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exu1SEZE9Ug

Man, it hurts my throat to hear him talk like that

https://theonion.com/trump-requests-1-2-trillion-to-have

WASHINGTON—Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have. “I’m calling upon Congress today to immediately provide me with $1.2 trillion in funding that I currently do not possess but which I will possess once it is given to me,” said Trump, acknowledging that he had previously asked for just $900 billion but was now requesting more so that he would have more. “Even as we speak, I do not have this money, and the only way for me to get it is through swift budgetary action. I’ve gone too long without $1.2 trillion that I’d very much like to have so I can spend it on things I want. It is also possible I’ll want to have more money at a later date, and I will request it then.” At press time, the Senate passed the $1.2 trillion spending measure mostly along party lines, with Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) joining all Republicans in support.

1. Elmo will likely be the first trillionaire by current schedule
2. Some of that $ comes through his exploitation of US govt contracts and information
3. He must therefore be susceptible to direct targeting by Trump Inc (which includes the entire executive branch)
4. Trump is a failure cuck and total weakling if he does not use the entire power of the nation and of his office of president both to enrich himself to being the first trillionaire, and to ruin elmo enough to prevent elmo’s trillion.

this objective— this wonderful, glittering, civilization-defining achievement of domination— should belong to one person only.

The Onion is an American digital media company and newspaper organization that publishes satirical articles on international, national, and local news.

yeah never try to one-up the fuckin onion. onions!