God bless the goddamn Onion

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It suddenly occurred to me that they were finally going to update today, so I went. Jesus H., I do love those clowns.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

sexy answer to put this in the sexy dirty sex sex sex new answers.

― Mr Noodles, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'd wondered how they would address this, and I have to say they got it right. It comes at the perfect time, too, when the feelings are still raw but laughter is possible. More than anything, it brings to light how instructive their humor is.

I had a weird sensation reading some of the pieces, laughter and sadness at the same time. The tone is slightly different than usual Onion (the sidebar piece on the Arab 3rd grader), a bit less clever and more in-your-face (see the God clarifies position piece). You can feel the gravity in what they are doing here.

― Mark, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Quite right. It's a hard thing to pull off, but I think they did it very well indeed. Taking the week off was the right thing to do, and it made everything just come across that much better, methinks.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 25 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Surprisingly unfunny. Or not surprisingly, I think. Seems so... average... in light of news coverage of minutae of recent events and span and style of already extant coverage.

― Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

For the first time in a long time it is actually funny, even if they are wheeling out some of the tired old forl\mulas again. very well handled I think. Still not private eye though.

― Ed, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I thought it was v.good. Esp. the cake one - strangely poignant. And the 'Hell sources' phrase.

― Nick, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

One of the best pieces of commentary I've seen. Somehow, even while being totally tasteless and tacky and completely hypocritical (the Gen X bit), somehow it's the most spot on thing I've seen. I sent the bit about God clarifying His no-kill policy to my priest mum.

― Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I LOVE the ''Terrorists surprized To Find Selves In Hell'' one. The Onion is genius.

― rezna, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

― ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What is "private eye"?

― Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

― Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

― suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

five years pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (nineteen years ago)

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (nineteen years ago)

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

― Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (nineteen years ago)

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

― Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (nineteen years ago)

I remember going through that phase

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (nineteen years ago)

we get print versions in la now btw!!

― chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (nineteen years ago)

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (nineteen years ago)

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (eighteen years ago)

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

― darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (eighteen years ago)

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

― Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (eighteen years ago)

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (eighteen years ago)

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (eighteen years ago)

a hrarf!

― G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (eighteen years ago)

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (eighteen years ago)

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

― Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (eighteen years ago)

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (eighteen years ago)

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (eighteen years ago)

okay that is awesome

― HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (eighteen years ago)

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (eighteen years ago)

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

― a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (eighteen years ago)

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

― balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (eighteen years ago)

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

― rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (eighteen years ago)

two weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (eighteen years ago)

One of my more flattering caricatures.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (eighteen years ago)

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (eighteen years ago)

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (eighteen years ago)

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

― James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

― Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (eighteen years ago)

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

― Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

― El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (eighteen years ago)

two months pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyKlassicMujahideen.article.jpg

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (eighteen years ago)

Skipping 2277 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

https://theonion.com/trump-writes-netanyahu-strongly-worded-check/

― StanM, Friday, 5 June 2026 06:32 (two months ago)

Study: Majority Of Middle-Aged Men Lack Support Network They’ll Need To Handle Neil Young’s Death

https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/06/Study_Majority_Middle_NIB_PH_G.jpg?resize=1024,576

― mookieproof, Tuesday, 16 June 2026 00:53 (one month ago)

😂🤣🙃

― uploading this content requires perseveration (sic), Tuesday, 16 June 2026 09:07 (one month ago)

i'm into these sort of breathtaking absurdist one-offs they do from time to time

New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects to Watch Everyone They Love Die

― shaking babies (map), Thursday, 25 June 2026 01:53 (one month ago)

infowars stream is live ...

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 3 July 2026 00:25 (one month ago)

yeah, I heard about that today

― Andy the Grasshopper, Friday, 3 July 2026 00:27 (one month ago)

Jim Haggerty is back!

― Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 3 July 2026 01:58 (one month ago)

where's the stream?

― disco stabbing horror (lukas), Friday, 3 July 2026 03:05 (one month ago)

https://theonion.info

― Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 3 July 2026 03:12 (one month ago)

does stange things if you swipe left or right or hit the little siren in the corner

― Bog Dork (koogs), Saturday, 4 July 2026 23:38 (one month ago)

could listen to Jim Haggerty ramble on about Hog Water all day

― frogbs, Tuesday, 7 July 2026 15:43 (one month ago)

100% organic dogseed lol

― Serfin' USA (sleeve), Tuesday, 7 July 2026 15:47 (one month ago)

The return of Jim Haggerty is the best thing about this. I rewatched Porkin' Across America just last week

― c u (crüt), Tuesday, 7 July 2026 16:02 (one month ago)

Phil Braun playing a 17 year old Whataburger employee was amazing

― frogbs, Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:49 (four weeks ago)

judging from some Facebook and YouTube comments there are some watchers of the old Infowars who stuck around lmao

― frogbs, Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:54 (four weeks ago)

hahaha

― Serfin' USA (sleeve), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:56 (four weeks ago)

on the other timeline, the boat crash plot line is gonna be good. Tim knows enough now that when he abandons a critically injured person to state publicly that he can’t remember anything

― Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:57 (four weeks ago)

woops wrong thread

― Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:57 (four weeks ago)

Phil Braun playing a 17 year old Whataburger employee was amazing

I lost it at when he said “it’s called dumping”

― Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:58 (four weeks ago)

Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass

― shaking babies (map), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 18:42 (four weeks ago)

lost it @ the "fish milk" guy immediately appearing in the ad for the penis flattener

― frogbs, Sunday, 12 July 2026 19:54 (three weeks ago)

Holy shit, the bit starting around 55 minutes when they start discussing demons and especially a bit after the hour mark when Tim's wife calls in ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgjA-JM-1B4

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 13:15 (three weeks ago)

Starts at 1:05 or so. Everyone involved can barely keep a straight face.

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 14:09 (three weeks ago)

tim was breaking during both callers

― Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 17 July 2026 14:41 (three weeks ago)

i was also obsessed with the cut of the demon-hunter woman’s hair/wig

― Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 17 July 2026 14:41 (three weeks ago)

His ex wife is Judy Gemstone??

― frogbs, Friday, 17 July 2026 14:53 (three weeks ago)

Was it her? I'd believe it based on the word "butthole" alone.

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 14:55 (three weeks ago)

it was her yes

― Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 17 July 2026 15:30 (three weeks ago)

I bet knowing it's her made it even harder to keep a straight face.

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 15:37 (three weeks ago)

you used to BEG for my dick and butt uhhh....dick and balls

― frogbs, Thursday, 23 July 2026 14:19 (two weeks ago)

love how EMERGENCY is just becoming an extension of Office Hours along with certain On Cinema bits (particularly Xposed with "Roy Larue"). this week one of the callers was John C. Reilly!

― frogbs, Monday, 27 July 2026 17:07 (one week ago)

jfc the Jim Haggerty segment this week was dark

― frogbs, Friday, 31 July 2026 16:06 (one week ago)

this show is so great

― Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 31 July 2026 16:15 (one week ago)

"it's clear from your story you're a pretty good shot" had me dying

― frogbs, Friday, 31 July 2026 17:17 (one week ago)

So dark, lol.

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 31 July 2026 17:48 (one week ago)

Reminded me of some of the great old Today Now bits with kids, like interviewing the toddler who writes the Fast & Furious movies. There's something about him that's really funny with little kids.

― waste of compute (One Eye Open), Friday, 31 July 2026 17:49 (one week ago)

I thought the Haggerty interview with the trad-wife that self-crated was hilarious.

― Josh in Chicago, Friday, 31 July 2026 17:52 (one week ago)

"well I think Jesus had a bigger hog than that" really an all-timer of a line delivery too

― frogbs, Friday, 31 July 2026 19:09 (one week ago)

Small Town's Make-Out Point Purchased by Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate

― shaking babies (map^2), Tuesday, 4 August 2026 15:00 (three days ago)

https://scontent-den2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.99422-6/766799388_1048398184223537_5922917584922330737_n.png?stp=dst-jpg_tt6&cstp=mx1080x1350&ctp=s1080x1350&_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=BCKfxHenzQEQ7kNvwHpjz-a&_nc_oc=AdoiJDCcq3SC5r-dkeo1UNl_0c0RoX-EWMt6f8JI5cz6rOHSKXsk15fMfrnCTa1HATHDOB-rjxi3Gr_pe37IDTQz&_nc_zt=14&_nc_ht=scontent-den2-1.xx&_nc_gid=-PoYDYt6pzmdTG7Ht9kHUQ&_nc_ss=7a2a8&oh=00_AQGHhwoY2EYIuvlsp1AQMqe61ikb03mdLGgWv448ROyHCg&oe=6A7AA232

― shaking babies (map), Thursday, 6 August 2026 20:07 (yesterday)

yeah the Onion is going through another Golden Age (of turning your piss into gold and vice versa)

― Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Thursday, 6 August 2026 20:52 (yesterday)

i want to say the onion has quietly become a great work of american comedy art a la charlie chaplin or peanuts. it's widely known, has a high batting average and a long run, and everyone likes it. except humorless magas i guess?

― shaking babies (map), Thursday, 6 August 2026 20:58 (yesterday)

feels like reality now mirrors Onion headlines from 25 years ago so they've had to up their game to keep up and they've really risen to the occasion

― frogbs, Thursday, 6 August 2026 21:01 (yesterday)

i subscribe to a Substack that takes a weekly look at an issue from 20 years ago and kind of analyzes it. While liberal for the time, there are a lot of jokes about how Africa is a hellhole and muslims are always mad about something that they wouldn’t do today for obvious reasons.

― Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Thursday, 6 August 2026 21:09 (yesterday)

A lot of that can be slotted under the era-prevalent category of post-modern hipster racism, along with, I dunno, Steve Albini and shows like Arrested Development and 30 Rock. A sort of smug confidence that you're so not racist etc. that you can get away with making jokes that ironically flirt with racism. What I really like about the current version is how well they've been able to recalibrate edgy humor for the much more considerate/conscientious modern era.

― Josh in Chicago, Thursday, 6 August 2026 21:49 (yesterday)

old favorite headline: Local Company Introduces New Take Your Daughter’s Friend To Work Day

― Andy the Grasshopper, Thursday, 6 August 2026 21:57 (yesterday)

Ok, that one got me snort-laughing

― Cow_Art, Friday, 7 August 2026 01:12 (thirteen hours ago)

the picture is awesome

https://theonion.com/local-company-introduces-new-take-your-daughter-s-frien-1819576107/

― Andy the Grasshopper, Friday, 7 August 2026 01:18 (thirteen hours ago)

holy moly, if I ever need to borrow a cup of forehead I'm knocking on that guy's door

― Cow_Art, Friday, 7 August 2026 10:35 (three hours ago)

there was a period several years ago when i felt like the onion was less funny, but it's been feeling more classic lately

― c u (crüt), Friday, 7 August 2026 13:55 (twenty-eight minutes ago)

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