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God bless the goddamn Onion

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i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What is "private eye"?

Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

five years pass...
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (nineteen years ago)

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (nineteen years ago)

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (nineteen years ago)

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (nineteen years ago)

I remember going through that phase

Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (nineteen years ago)

we get print versions in la now btw!!

chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (nineteen years ago)

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (nineteen years ago)

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (eighteen years ago)

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (eighteen years ago)

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (eighteen years ago)

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (eighteen years ago)

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (eighteen years ago)

a hrarf!

G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (eighteen years ago)

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (eighteen years ago)

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (eighteen years ago)

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (eighteen years ago)

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (eighteen years ago)

okay that is awesome

HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (eighteen years ago)

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (eighteen years ago)

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (eighteen years ago)

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (eighteen years ago)

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (eighteen years ago)

two weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (eighteen years ago)

One of my more flattering caricatures.

Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (eighteen years ago)

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (eighteen years ago)

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (eighteen years ago)

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (eighteen years ago)

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (eighteen years ago)

two months pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyKlassicMujahideen.article.jpg

Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (eighteen years ago)

o shi i hadn't seen these cartoons before -- awesome.

That one guy that hit it and quit it, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:36 (eighteen years ago)

"After my baby didn't babble or gesture after 12 months, I hoped the cause was autism. I've since learned he's dead."

That mong guy that's shit, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:47 (eighteen years ago)

Haha OMG:

First Indian-American Governor Elected

With his swearing in as governor of Louisiana on Monday, Republican Bobby Jindal became the first Indian-American to head a U.S. state. What do you think?

Dave Piedmont,
Systems Analyst

"His parents must be so close to being proud."

nabisco, Thursday, 17 January 2008 01:01 (eighteen years ago)

one month passes...

Steven Seagal is...

Kerm, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:09 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/act_now_to_take_advantage_of_my

story of my life

and what, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:45 (eighteen years ago)

lol "Skeepers"

Jordan, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:47 (eighteen years ago)

haha deja vu

me: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/act_now_to_take_advantage_of_my
Sent at 4:31 PM on Wednesday
Jordan: haha
lol "skeepers"

deej, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:50 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/act_now_oped.jpg

: /

Bodrick III, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:56 (eighteen years ago)

that's totally the lowered-standards look

... anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening?
oh double-edged zing

rrrobyn, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 23:00 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75350

Dr Morbius, Friday, 7 March 2008 21:38 (eighteen years ago)

yeah never try to one-up the fuckin onion. onions!

put a peptide in your step (Hunt3r), Tuesday, 19 May 2026 02:20 (two months ago)

two weeks pass...

https://theonion.com/trump-writes-netanyahu-strongly-worded-check/

StanM, Friday, 5 June 2026 06:32 (two months ago)

😂🤣🙃

uploading this content requires perseveration (sic), Tuesday, 16 June 2026 09:07 (one month ago)

i'm into these sort of breathtaking absurdist one-offs they do from time to time

New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects to Watch Everyone They Love Die

shaking babies (map), Thursday, 25 June 2026 01:53 (one month ago)

infowars stream is live ...

Josh in Chicago, Friday, 3 July 2026 00:25 (one month ago)

yeah, I heard about that today

Andy the Grasshopper, Friday, 3 July 2026 00:27 (one month ago)

Jim Haggerty is back!

Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 3 July 2026 01:58 (one month ago)

where's the stream?

disco stabbing horror (lukas), Friday, 3 July 2026 03:05 (one month ago)

https://theonion.info

Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 3 July 2026 03:12 (one month ago)

does stange things if you swipe left or right or hit the little siren in the corner

Bog Dork (koogs), Saturday, 4 July 2026 23:38 (one month ago)

could listen to Jim Haggerty ramble on about Hog Water all day

frogbs, Tuesday, 7 July 2026 15:43 (four weeks ago)

100% organic dogseed lol

Serfin' USA (sleeve), Tuesday, 7 July 2026 15:47 (four weeks ago)

The return of Jim Haggerty is the best thing about this. I rewatched Porkin' Across America just last week

c u (crüt), Tuesday, 7 July 2026 16:02 (four weeks ago)

Phil Braun playing a 17 year old Whataburger employee was amazing

frogbs, Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:49 (four weeks ago)

judging from some Facebook and YouTube comments there are some watchers of the old Infowars who stuck around lmao

frogbs, Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:54 (four weeks ago)

hahaha

Serfin' USA (sleeve), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:56 (four weeks ago)

on the other timeline, the boat crash plot line is gonna be good. Tim knows enough now that when he abandons a critically injured person to state publicly that he can’t remember anything

Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:57 (four weeks ago)

woops wrong thread

Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:57 (four weeks ago)

Phil Braun playing a 17 year old Whataburger employee was amazing

I lost it at when he said “it’s called dumping”

Illegal Algae (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 16:58 (four weeks ago)

Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass

shaking babies (map), Wednesday, 8 July 2026 18:42 (four weeks ago)

lost it @ the "fish milk" guy immediately appearing in the ad for the penis flattener

frogbs, Sunday, 12 July 2026 19:54 (three weeks ago)

Holy shit, the bit starting around 55 minutes when they start discussing demons and especially a bit after the hour mark when Tim's wife calls in ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgjA-JM-1B4

Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 13:15 (two weeks ago)

Starts at 1:05 or so. Everyone involved can barely keep a straight face.

Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 14:09 (two weeks ago)

tim was breaking during both callers

Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 17 July 2026 14:41 (two weeks ago)

i was also obsessed with the cut of the demon-hunter woman’s hair/wig

Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 17 July 2026 14:41 (two weeks ago)

His ex wife is Judy Gemstone??

frogbs, Friday, 17 July 2026 14:53 (two weeks ago)

Was it her? I'd believe it based on the word "butthole" alone.

Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 14:55 (two weeks ago)

it was her yes

Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 17 July 2026 15:30 (two weeks ago)

I bet knowing it's her made it even harder to keep a straight face.

Josh in Chicago, Friday, 17 July 2026 15:37 (two weeks ago)

you used to BEG for my dick and butt uhhh....dick and balls

frogbs, Thursday, 23 July 2026 14:19 (two weeks ago)

love how EMERGENCY is just becoming an extension of Office Hours along with certain On Cinema bits (particularly Xposed with "Roy Larue"). this week one of the callers was John C. Reilly!

frogbs, Monday, 27 July 2026 17:07 (one week ago)

jfc the Jim Haggerty segment this week was dark

frogbs, Friday, 31 July 2026 16:06 (six days ago)

this show is so great

Luigi No...No!!! (Boring, Maryland), Friday, 31 July 2026 16:15 (six days ago)

"it's clear from your story you're a pretty good shot" had me dying

frogbs, Friday, 31 July 2026 17:17 (six days ago)

So dark, lol.

Josh in Chicago, Friday, 31 July 2026 17:48 (six days ago)

Reminded me of some of the great old Today Now bits with kids, like interviewing the toddler who writes the Fast & Furious movies. There's something about him that's really funny with little kids.

waste of compute (One Eye Open), Friday, 31 July 2026 17:49 (six days ago)

I thought the Haggerty interview with the trad-wife that self-crated was hilarious.

Josh in Chicago, Friday, 31 July 2026 17:52 (six days ago)

"well I think Jesus had a bigger hog than that" really an all-timer of a line delivery too

frogbs, Friday, 31 July 2026 19:09 (six days ago)

Small Town's Make-Out Point Purchased by Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate

shaking babies (map^2), Tuesday, 4 August 2026 15:00 (two days ago)


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