God bless the goddamn Onion

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i think the onion is like private eye re tired old formulas.

but i still find them very funny

to be honest i cant really think of many sources of comedy which dont use tired old formulas, or rather come up with totally new and hilarious joke formats every time....

ambrose, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

What is "private eye"?

Mark, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I liked the article about Jerry Bruckheimer films. Photo caption: "An actual scene from real life".

Ally, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

And blessed be the current TV Go Home.

suzy, Friday, 28 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

five years pass...
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599

gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 9 October 2006 19:46 (eighteen years ago)

Ned completely OTM in the first post here, by the way, and now after some time lost in the archives the whole issue is available again. Though the front page is missing its graphic:

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news1802.jpg

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:11 (eighteen years ago)

Also, it's the September 11th issue.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:12 (eighteen years ago)

I love that Security Upgrades graphic so, so much. I remember the sporks line, especially.

Laurel (Laurel), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 16:22 (eighteen years ago)

Seriously, the whole thing should have been up for a Pulitzer.

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:11 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30604

roffle

Young Fresh Danny D (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 18:29 (eighteen years ago)

I remember going through that phase

Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 11 October 2006 02:30 (eighteen years ago)

we get print versions in la now btw!!

chaki (chaki), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:30 (eighteen years ago)

bitter young dude in a deli off times square tried to sell me a copy the other night. he had swiped a whole stack from somewhere (from the deli, for all i know). i declined. he stalked out of the store muttering sotto voce, "goddamn i'm just tryna work, earn a little money tonight, doesn't nobody want to help me out, what the fuck." i hope the onion cheered him up.

gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:42 (eighteen years ago)

I thought this article was probably the single best thing said in the days after Sept 11th.

Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:44 (eighteen years ago)

Yeah, that one was brilliant.

In the same edition, the TV guide spoof made me totally lose my shit (in the slightly unhinged mood of the time, obv)


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38450

Especially CBS: "Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air / Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit / Medicating Dan Rather"

Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 04:06 (eighteen years ago)

one year passes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_96_prayers_finally

I was laughing at this until the very end. That last joke seems unusually mean-spirited for the Onion.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:42 (seventeen years ago)

um, the christopher reeve snipe was hardly cricket.

darraghmac, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:44 (seventeen years ago)

True. I guess that somehow escaped me when I first read it.

Nathan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:45 (seventeen years ago)

i liked this one because is not jello a foods

[a hrarf = this is my internets link] http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conceptual_terrorists_encase_sears[/a hraf linkthing]

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:48 (seventeen years ago)

I have to say, for having webbed toes you are impressively skilled at typing.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:53 (seventeen years ago)

a hrarf!

G00blar, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:55 (seventeen years ago)

I don't get why everybody's blaming the puppy for not being Socialist Realism or somethink.

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:56 (seventeen years ago)

I don't even know what that means and I am a hu-man.

Abbott, Thursday, 18 October 2007 21:59 (seventeen years ago)

who blames a puppy
i am lerning better, promise
the psyientests are teaching me

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (seventeen years ago)

I didn't express myself very clearly.

Anyway, if y'all thought the "95-96 Prayers Backlog" was cold, look what I stumbled across:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29919

Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:01 (seventeen years ago)

okay that is awesome

HI DERE, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:02 (seventeen years ago)

the onion's had a hardon for superman for awhile - http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:14 (seventeen years ago)

whose balls are you, i am lookinf for mine

a puppy, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:18 (seventeen years ago)

http://fanaticking.com/photos/Michael_Vick_Dog.jpg

balls, Thursday, 18 October 2007 22:22 (seventeen years ago)

i kinda forgot abt the onion but this was posted on the quantum mechanic thread and it is funnee
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_ask_congress_to_fund_50

rrrobyn, Friday, 19 October 2007 03:02 (seventeen years ago)

two weeks pass...

They've really been on a roll with the cartoons - they're probably my favorite thing in the Onion now.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:24 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Cage-Free-Eggs.jpg

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:25 (seventeen years ago)

One of my more flattering caricatures.

Ned Raggett, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:26 (seventeen years ago)

Ha.

I also really love that every so often there will be an editorial cartoon about the cartoonist's ex-wife.

Hurting 2, Friday, 2 November 2007 03:29 (seventeen years ago)

lol
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Cartoon-Freak-Dancing.jpg

Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:02 (seventeen years ago)

I read the last word wrong and thought this was gonna be about
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg

James Redd and the Blecchs, Friday, 2 November 2007 04:55 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Teens-Turning-Backs.jpg

Frogman Henry, Friday, 2 November 2007 09:02 (seventeen years ago)

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/3/37/250px-Vina.jpg
who's that on the right? Jabba the Hutt?

Heave Ho, Friday, 2 November 2007 10:41 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mel_brooks_starts_nonprofit

El Tomboto, Friday, 2 November 2007 16:32 (seventeen years ago)

two months pass...

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyKlassicMujahideen.article.jpg

Billy Dods, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:29 (seventeen years ago)

o shi i hadn't seen these cartoons before -- awesome.

That one guy that hit it and quit it, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:36 (seventeen years ago)

"After my baby didn't babble or gesture after 12 months, I hoped the cause was autism. I've since learned he's dead."

That mong guy that's shit, Wednesday, 16 January 2008 16:47 (seventeen years ago)

Haha OMG:

First Indian-American Governor Elected

With his swearing in as governor of Louisiana on Monday, Republican Bobby Jindal became the first Indian-American to head a U.S. state. What do you think?

Dave Piedmont,
Systems Analyst

"His parents must be so close to being proud."

nabisco, Thursday, 17 January 2008 01:01 (seventeen years ago)

one month passes...

Steven Seagal is...

Kerm, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:09 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/act_now_to_take_advantage_of_my

story of my life

and what, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:45 (seventeen years ago)

lol "Skeepers"

Jordan, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:47 (seventeen years ago)

haha deja vu

me: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/act_now_to_take_advantage_of_my
Sent at 4:31 PM on Wednesday
Jordan: haha
lol "skeepers"

deej, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:50 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/act_now_oped.jpg

: /

Bodrick III, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 22:56 (seventeen years ago)

that's totally the lowered-standards look

... anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening?
oh double-edged zing

rrrobyn, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 23:00 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75350

Dr Morbius, Friday, 7 March 2008 21:38 (seventeen years ago)

I am in awe

― Ned Raggett, Thursday, November 14, 2024 9:13 AM (four hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

truly amazing stuff

lag∞n, Thursday, 14 November 2024 18:42 (seven months ago)

lol

https://bsky.app/profile/websitehomepage.bsky.social/post/3lawiqx4ct22g

𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Thursday, 14 November 2024 19:28 (seven months ago)

Should I know who that is?

Andrew Farrell, Friday, 15 November 2024 00:46 (seven months ago)

Apparently Tim Heidecker wants to get involved, that would make my fucking year

frogbs, Friday, 15 November 2024 02:49 (seven months ago)

dril heidecker not really onion style but would be cool for sure

lag∞n, Friday, 15 November 2024 02:51 (seven months ago)

clickhole has occasionally had heidecker/dril energy, could see it.

𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Friday, 15 November 2024 16:42 (seven months ago)

I saw an AP story this morning that said Jones's lawyers have succeeded in getting a judge to block the sale temporarily, by claiming the bidding process was flawed.

more difficult than I look (Aimless), Friday, 15 November 2024 19:53 (seven months ago)

The Washington Post story said that "the Onion did not have the highest bid." So that does seem a little bit weird for an auction.

bbq, Saturday, 16 November 2024 03:30 (seven months ago)

Does it offer an explanation for why they won the auction?

tobo73, Saturday, 16 November 2024 03:52 (seven months ago)

suspect it may have to do with the creditors aka the sandy hook families wanted the onion to win because theyre going to take all info wars stuff offline ben collins said something about working with the families re the bid

lag∞n, Saturday, 16 November 2024 04:00 (seven months ago)

why would jones or his lawyers have any input into this process? he lost. it's not like any of the money is going to him

mookieproof, Saturday, 16 November 2024 04:09 (seven months ago)

Yeah my understanding is that the families could have got more from splitting it up, but that would have increased the chances that some of it would find its way back to Alex Jones. If that's the basis of the challenge, then I trust the judge will tell Jones's lawyers to eat shit.

Andrew Farrell, Saturday, 16 November 2024 12:47 (seven months ago)

i don't think they did; the onion did

xpost

Humanitarian Pause (Tracer Hand), Saturday, 16 November 2024 12:47 (seven months ago)

I saw an AP story this morning that said Jones's lawyers have succeeded in getting a judge to block the sale temporarily, by claiming the bidding process was flawed.

Collins says

I wanted to give a quick update on The Onion’s purchase of InfoWars, which we can’t wait to relaunch as the dumbest site on the internet.

Long and short of it: We won the bid and — you're not going to believe it — the previous InfoWars folks aren't taking it well.

On Thursday, the person overseeing the auction told us that The Onion’s bid for InfoWars, along with the Connecticut Sandy Hook families, won.

We haven’t heard anything that changed that — except, of course, from the guys currently running InfoWars, doing InfoWars stuff.

There was a status conference with the judge overseeing the auction on Thursday shortly after we were deemed winners.

The judge had some questions about process and assets. We’re glad he’s doing that, since our bid with the families is clearly the best and transparency is even better.

There was a status conference with the judge overseeing the auction on Thursday shortly after we were deemed winners.

The judge had some questions about process and assets. We’re glad he’s doing that, since our bid with the families is clearly the best and transparency is even better.

Obviously, when the current operators of InfoWars went back to operating as a business, they used that to falsely say the auction had been overturned and allege some truly wacky stuff. Something about Saul Alinsky? God bless ‘em.

We expected all of this, obviously. Buying this site was always going to be fun later on, but annoying right away.

Anyway, we look forward to completing this process at the next scheduled court date — which, at present, is a week from Monday.

We think it’s all worth it to make a better, funnier future possible. As always: Tu Stultus Es.

et a earwig (sic), Saturday, 16 November 2024 22:52 (seven months ago)

If there's one thing these people hate it's being made fun of...I wonder if that's why Alex Jones took it so hard. or maybe he doesn't know what The Onion is and just reacts that way to everything

frogbs, Sunday, 17 November 2024 04:34 (seven months ago)

prob just mad about losing his empire, huge stash of scam supplements, and so forth

lag∞n, Sunday, 17 November 2024 04:37 (seven months ago)

two weeks pass...

https://theonion.com/opinion/from-global-tetrahedron/

... there is (was) an ILXor called global tetrahedron!

StanM, Friday, 6 December 2024 19:22 (seven months ago)

judge blocks infowars sale to The Onion

https://www.cnn.com/2024/12/11/media/infowars-onion-lawsuit-block-hnk-intl/index.html

StanM, Wednesday, 11 December 2024 10:25 (six months ago)

We can't have anything.

nashwan, Wednesday, 11 December 2024 10:45 (six months ago)

four weeks pass...

https://theonion.com/jealous-trump-throws-own-state-funeral-to-upstage-carters/

StanM, Friday, 10 January 2025 01:27 (six months ago)

Leading Democratic Party Chair candidate Ken Martin says that Democrats won't take money from "those bad billionaires" but will take money from "good billionaires" pic.twitter.com/dkJbzM2Xss

— Matt Stoller (@matthewstoller) January 19, 2025

vodkaitamin effrtvescent (calzino), Monday, 20 January 2025 05:05 (five months ago)

lol

a ZX spectrum is haunting Europe (Daniel_Rf), Monday, 20 January 2025 10:46 (five months ago)

three weeks pass...

was reminded of this one on bsky: https://theonion.com/fbi-uncovers-al-qaeda-plot-to-just-sit-back-and-enjoy-c-1819576375/

rob, Monday, 10 February 2025 14:43 (five months ago)

I receive the paper edition and it is excellent - many little jokes that I suspect are paper-only as they take advantage of the layout. like a full-page ad for Tyson chicken tenders with the tagline "Eat Around the Tumors!"

Tracer Hand, Monday, 10 February 2025 14:50 (five months ago)

a couple of times they've filled space on an inside page by printing a continuation of an article supposedly from the front page but which actually doesn't exist, and the continuation is some horrific detail. look I'm a Mad Magazine fan. i bought boxes of Croonchy Stars. i live for this shit.

Tracer Hand, Monday, 10 February 2025 14:52 (five months ago)

Okay, that is awesome.

Andrew Farrell, Tuesday, 11 February 2025 11:01 (four months ago)

oh yeah that was a common thing when i used to get the print edition regularly, maybe 25 years ago. They would fill space with some gory repeating sentence… searched and found it!: “Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.”

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, 13 February 2025 03:43 (four months ago)

https://bsky.app/profile/theonion.com/post/3lii64umprk2c

𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Tuesday, 18 February 2025 23:00 (four months ago)

https://theonion.com/stephen-miller-enraged-after-discovering-cantaloupe-he-1828172700/

joey crack, aka kaiser saucer (sic), Wednesday, 19 February 2025 00:20 (four months ago)

one month passes...

Pure magic:

https://theonion.com/tiger-woods-claims-that-in-time-he-will-fuck-everyones-ex-wife/

Clever Message Board User Name (Raymond Cummings), Sunday, 30 March 2025 20:34 (three months ago)

New book about the origin and history of the Onion is excellent.

Josh in Chicago, Wednesday, 2 April 2025 11:02 (three months ago)

you guys I’m sure the Onion has gone through some down periods before with it being around so long and all but

when did it become so bad, it’s so bad now

Murgatroid, Sunday, 13 April 2025 13:32 (two months ago)

did it change after the 11th of February?

Nancy Makes Posts (sic), Sunday, 13 April 2025 14:08 (two months ago)

i think the Onion is still funny

frogbs, Thursday, 17 April 2025 20:16 (two months ago)

I think the best way to enjoy the onion is to just follow them on your social network of choice and have an occasional onion article mixed in with all the other news/opinion stuff you are following. In that way, even something dumb like

https://theonion.com/jd-vance-rushes-to-put-wifes-head-back-on-after-fumbling-second-lady/

gets a silent chuckle from me

silverfish, Thursday, 17 April 2025 20:34 (two months ago)

Seeing stories about Russell Brand and Katy Perry in their breaking news section makes me wonder if I'm still living in 2011.

Iza Duffus Hardy (President Keyes), Thursday, 17 April 2025 20:37 (two months ago)

one month passes...

Vanity Fair interviews Tim Onion (Onion CEO Ben Collins):
https://archive.ph/Ojezk

jaymc, Tuesday, 20 May 2025 23:04 (one month ago)

If you quote someone in yr piece and then go “…he exclusively tells Vanity Fair,” i think you should be flung into a lake of fire. unless you are using the onion’s house style ironically in an article about something onion-related.

Theodor W. Adorbso (Hunt3r), Wednesday, 21 May 2025 02:40 (one month ago)

They don’t call it vanity fair for nothing

I am the stranger, killing the Boer (Boring, Maryland), Wednesday, 21 May 2025 02:54 (one month ago)

one month passes...

https://theonion.com/letter-to-congress/

Dan Worsley, Sunday, 22 June 2025 22:08 (two weeks ago)


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