God bless the goddamn Onion

"this is some footage of congress"
"i can see that"

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/houseguest_just_going_to_lie_there

extra credit for subject's name

R.I.P.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/mytron_the_fifth_illuminati

That houseguest one! A++++

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_blowjobless_rate_at_all_time

looool at bullshit video

I'm an old man so you can trust me!

Hahah that houseguest one is awesome, been there done that (from both sides!)

TL;DR
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nation_shudders_at_large_block_of

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/man_on_internet_almost_falls_into

^^ pretty much gets the measure of awe and horror that makes up the internet

ROFLMAO@ "That's when I realized the mustard had come between us."

i have a friend who is exactly like that dude.

does he post to the internet about mustard a lot?

if only they had written that article about music instead of mustard

The historically fluid blowjob market reached its climax in 1996, when millions of wives and girlfriends vigorously stimulated the privates sector.

thumbs up

Well they say that helps it along!

if only they had written that article about music instead of mustard

― ksh, Sunday, March 14, 2010 4:25 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i dont think u get why the article is funny

Pope Forgives Molested Children

if only they had written that article about music instead of mustard

― ksh, Sunday, March 14, 2010 4:25 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i dont think u get why the article is funny

― n00b jack city (deej), Wednesday, March 17, 2010 7:56 PM (3 days ago)

explain?

it's funny because mustard is a funny word

Boy's Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he6O9nZ3CZs

A+++ Bone-dry deadpan perfection. "Today Now" is so brilliant.

Someone should put together a DVD set of the best of the ONN. They've completely raised their game since the movie.

^^^ pitch perfect mapping onto of this:

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/toddler-dies-mistaking-gun-wii-controller/story?id=10056190

They've completely raised their game since the movie.

The Onion didn't make The Onion Movie

Hasan, my man, if you don't give me a high five right now, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-government-to-save-billions-by-cutting-wasteful,17171/

A+! Were they doing real news on April 1st? Sounds quite plausible, tbh.

http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/1808/Bob-Marley-Jump-C.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/articles/freakonomist-keeps-close-eye-on-ge-stock-versus-he,17202/

I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment

http://www.theonion.com/video/cosmopolitan-institute-completes-decadeslong-study,14257/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-flag-recalled-after-causing-143-million-deaths/

(143 mil a bit low, but nice to see)

oh, this is the correct link:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-flag-recalled-after-causing-143-million-deaths,17248/

Glee
FOX 9 p.m. EST / 8 p.m. CST
Romance is in the air and that can only mean one thing: GWAR week on Glee.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/exhausted-noam-chomsky-just-going-to-try-and-enjoy,17404/

lol x2

Today, I'm just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time.

http://www.theonion.com/video/semiliterate-former-gold-prospector-given-own-cabl,17408/

Laughing so hard.

BRILLIANT

oh god, please make that a series

Someone should just post this on like 75% if the ILM threads.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-very-good-album-takes-a-little-while-to-get-in,17425/

Also this:

http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/17433/lumberjack_jpg_445x1000_upscale_q85.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/articles/heckled-christian-rock-band-knows-how-jesus-felt,17446/

(when you click the above link and you get an error -> just add the / yourself in the address bar)

That prospector is genius, and not too far removed from reality. Kind of like when Fey played Palin by simply repeating whatever stupid things Palin had said.

New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It

aunched last year, Foursquare is unique in that it not only allows users to broadcast their whereabouts, but also offers a number of built-in incentives, including some innovative new crap The New York Times surely has a throbbing hard-on for.

In fact, why don't we just let them report on this garbage and call it a day?

"Foursquare is a little bit of everything—a friend-finder, a local city guide, an interactive mobile game," said company cofounder Dennis Crowley, as if reading from the same tired script used by every one of these Web 2.0 or whatever-the-fuck-they're-called startups. "But more than that, Foursquare is an [endless string of meaningless buzzwords we just couldn't bring ourselves to transcribe]."

zang
i love the times piece at the end

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-actually-shouting-at-other-man-to-get-jennifer,17498/

OK, this, right here, is one of the best Onion articles I've seen, because it makes you want to high five it for laying out for you the reasons something pisses you off that you were never able to clearly orchestrate. Like that last sentence sort of.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-social-networking-site-changing-the-way-oh-chr,17465/

Linked a couple of posts back there...

Oh crap I looked right past it. I can always count on you to point out my mistakes, Ned.