Star Wars 7 shit talk

i just hope it gives Mel Brooks some good material to work with

a stupid nonsensical film student b-movie

The original Star Wars film got a Time magazine cover and big write up before it was even released, so even though it mimicked many b-movie conventions, it was never a b-movie.

via ned:

http://i.imgur.com/h8WQhMn.jpg

can't wait for the reveal that Jar Jar came out of the woodwork sometime after Endor, realizing the son of his bestest bombad friend is alive, and he's been holed up with Luke somewhere in the Outer Rim cooking up a plan

I can't wait until Jar Jar steps out of the shadows behind Kylo Ren and ignites his FOUR BLADED LIGHTSABER after saying "MEESA SECRET EMPERORER ALL ALONGS"

i would put the odds of jar jar or a jar jar alike being sarcastically killed in the background of one of these movies at about 3 to 1

normally i oppose such things but it might be good to have a really long torture scene

or maybe just 15+ dense paragraphs of text flying through space describing the torture at the very beginning

Fanfare, chapter VII crawl, slow pan across an alien world stopping on a full-frame close-up of Jar Jar, who just stares into the camera and wordlessly mugs for five minutes or so.

I'm not sure there's a dollar amount I wouldn't pay Abrams to make this happen.

does anyone think they'll do away with the intro template/music/incredibly slow crawling text with this one? i know it produces warm nostalgic feelings but it's also kind of cheesy to keep going back to it

what if the Emperor was using his proximity to Jar Jar to mold his mind for consciousness transfer, and after his death, he fully took over the Gungan? game changer

there is 0% chance there will not be a text crawl

it'll be something like:
- such-and-such years have passed since the rebellion's victory on Endor
- the New Republic believes the Imperial remnants to be fractured and defeated
- there's actually been a consolidation of Imperial power in the First Order, they're hiding out in the Queluhan Nebula (maybe not mentioned by name) and have strong leadership
- something something dark side

xxpost Cheesy or not, the only reason I can imagine them abandoning any of the standard Star Wars movie intro stuff is rights issues (although I think I read something about Disney possibly trying to even secure the 20th Century Fox intro??).

Star Wars, cheesy? Never!

(they have the anthology movies to fuck with the formula a bit)

"Vendortainment" is a good name for what this and the genre stuff covered by ComiCon

....has become.

good options:
1) the whole movie is just a text scroll
2) halfway through the scroll, there's a needle-scratching-the-record noise and a bunch of jawas wobble through the frame, movie starts
3) text scroll says, in its entirety, "awwwwwwwww YEAH STAR WARS BITCH"

they recycled some bit of john williams fanfare to replace the 20th century fox intro

maybe the text scroll will inexorably crush jar jar to death

i'm counting on jj abrams to do something lame but i guess at least SW isn't sharing the same universe with earth so there won't be scenes of drunk han in a bar listening to beastie boys

or whatever the hell happened in chris pine star trek

there's a character called Ello Atsy

no joke

http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/bloodbrothersgame/images/6/69/Facepalm_Emoji.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20131118191429

Again, I don't know how much money I'd pay Abrams to drop a Beastie Boys song into the new Star Wars movie, but it's a lot of money.

OH: an extended Jar Jar dance number set to a Beastie Boys song. Please. Please.

The chances that the name "Ello Asty" is going to be spoken on-screen are approximately one in a kazillion.

Many/most of the names we "know" for characters in the OT were never spoken on screen.

I have some recollection of Klaatu, Barada, and Nikto being addressed onscreen by name at some point.

Star Wars character names after Beastie Boys album named after publicity company

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-ptdJFFAy68

Some other Episode VII character names that have recently leaked:

Shakya Rupp
Chichak Eetout
Fyte-Fyar Ayt'parti
Pols Batik
Sah Botaj
Heart Attack Man
Sawitcha-Wunt

kinda cheezy to go back to that "force" well

in other news, is anyone buying their ticket tonight?

i think i will just be a regular person & buy a ticket at the theater

There is a particular audience that I'm sure will happily flock to the screenings of Episode VII which require them to purchase their ticket months in advance. I do not want to attend those particular screenings.

My kid has been being me to take him to this ever since I mentioned that I did the same thing for Phantom Menace. I'm a little bummed that I have to try and execute an Internet ticket transaction late at night and I have to watch a goddamn football game to get the cue about when I'm able to but them.

Buy them.

but them, definitely but them

:)

text crawl is obviously 100%, but i'm still weighing the odds on whether it will be preceded by a black screen with sylvester stallone's voice declaring "let's do this."

i have to go out for dinner, do you think it'll be ok to shush the whole restaurant when the trailer comes on MNF?

most definitely

frankly, what kind of respectable establishment wouldn't demand silence from its patrons in that scenario?

any respectable establishment

well I just rang Le Bernardin to check and they said they're shutting down service for the duration

if anyone plays this in my presence I'll probably just loudly talk over it

that's the spirit! crush that childlike sense of joy!

Joy is ®™ Disney Corp, of course

joy hasn't been a component of this cultural juggernaut for at least 3 decades

keep grinding that axe

btw guys Star Wars Rebels is still pretty joyful