This is the inevitable thread for ILxors in their forties

tbh I've loved my forties! I know who I want to be and how to project it, am fitter, and have almost reached career goals insofar as they've mattered. Bachelorhood is my destiny, which doesn't stop me from thinking it'd be nice to take care of a guy when I'm older.

I do worry about the planet I'm leaving my nieces and godchild, but I'm no different than any previous generation.

I love that this thread can be a home for me for *checks watch* a little more than six more years

which is my own fault for spending all that time listening to Pink Floyd probably

hush

lol

I'm 42.

I can *definitely* feel my age more and more, some of that's health related stuff that medication is sorting out. Kind of a weird place to be - both having the sense of youth having raced away from me when I somehow wasn't paying serious attention but also realizing that there's a lot of beauty and joy in aspects of life that I didn't quite comprehend at, say, 20 or even 30.

Someone up thread was advising about building core strength - this is one of my biggest goals over the next year or so. I go to the gym sometimes, and walk a *lot* but need to buckle down harder.

tbh I've loved my forties! I know who I want to be and how to project it

oh i can hum a few bars of this, especially the past few months. so happy for you btw.

All this stuff about being alone / single when in senior years is a lot of worry about nothing. We have no idea what we’ll be like by then.

Anecdotal yes, but I’ve seen enough sweet and care-free relationships between elders not to worry too much about that. Making relationships work is something most people get better at with age.

Kids, not going to happen at this point for me -- I never ruled out being a stepdad at some point if I'd fallen for someone who had kids already, but that's turned out not to be the case and we're both happy as we are, so. No regrets, and I have (unofficially, I guess) nieces and nephews, so that will do for me.

Larger societal/planetary worries, sure I got 'em. But working constantly with folks in their early twenties, more recently thanks to all the various pre-med students who volunteer at the hospital under a program I oversee, means I'm always getting to know people with a certain drive and friendliness, and that's certainly reassuring.

The scariest thing about the notion of singledom at this age is the thought of marrying out of desperation and loneliness, just settling. Recently though it's occurred to me that I'm good with a) never marrying again and b) never living with anyone again, unless my son wants to move across the country and move in with me at some point.

my main concern is whether age will ever compel ned to cut his hair

as we wither he only gains in strength and luxuriousness

Boomer parents. Probably they're wondering how we all turned out so rotten.

All my nieces and nephews (and their spouses) are spread through their mid-30s to mid-40s and I think they are amazingly good, loving, thoughtful and firmly-grounded people. Which is not to say perfect, or anything like it, but they are good in the basic ways that flawed human beings can achieve by working at it.

xpost -- My standing rule of thumb is that if my hairline ever started to retreat or my hair thinned out I would cut it. Neither has happened and I suspect neither will at this point, content to let it all slowly go grey as it does.

The best way to die is to feel my chin nodding against my chin as I'm reading Wallace Stevens' late poems, assuming it's the onset of a cat nap, and closing my eyes.

my chin nodding against my chin

i like the idea of nodding off to Wallace Steven poems

Keep trying! Idk why but I thought you were older than I am LBI??

― weird woman in a bar (La Lechera), Friday, September 20, 2019 1:44 AM (seven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

No idea! My displayed wisdom Wdyll's in which I look really old? :-/

I'm actually going to be 60 and alone!

Dropping in from the fifties thread to say I am racing to 60 and alone myself and it’s great! I’m not planning to need someone to “take me in” at 60 - I’ll still be working and hopefully still to enjoy a good retirement.

It took me until my 40s to be unapologetically alone and enjoy life and not confirm with societal pressures to pair up. As a result,I often feel I’m still playing catch up with things that people had the confidence to do much earlias a couple (travel, interior design, socialising, fashion etc). But there’s a lot of fun in discovering and experimenting with things now - and not being jaded.

That is so good to hear! Considering that I've spent most of my adult life rather... dependent upon romantic and social activity, and I'm more recently starting to feel more comfortable in solitude (even as my romantic and social life are still relatively rich). I've been feeling more optimistic about All Possible Futures. Especially one where Ned has very long grey hair

Re: children after 40, I'm not knocking it. My father was 42 when he... fathered me, and I have many younger siblings on his side, as well. I just have lost the enthusiasm I had about it when I was in my 20s and 30s. My bf wants kids. It's weird thinking about it. First, there's the solicitation of a surrogate, which feels slimy to me. Or, the long process of adoption. Even just thinking about the race of the child is difficult-- my bf does not want to raise a non-black child. I have no preference toward the race of my children.

Ah fuck it, I'll type it... the reason I've kind of "gone off" of the prospect of being the drummer for Gay Dad is largely the result of hearing these romantic sloppy origin stories of so many of my straight parent friends. Having children feels like the product of romance, because it is. It's less appealing to me that my children might be the product of administration. This is not to criticize or judge parents of adopted children, of course-- one such parent himself even told me that the administrative process, although extremely worth it in the end, was hell.

I was walking my dog this morning and I thought "dog is a man's best friend", and all the implications of this adage started to suddenly revealed themselves

I do love my dog, though

The adoption process IS hell and I'm very glad I did it.

Xp. Wait, there's a fifties thread?

Yeah, but it’s hard to find.

Especially if you are in your fifties.

But I managed to find it again by searching upthread for a prior link. This is a thread for ILXORS IN THEIR 50's

Y'all ever do that thing where you think, "Well if I was the 20th Century, WWII would be just about over."

Used to wonder when my age and the numeric place of the president would synch up and goddammit.

I have exactly 67 days left in my forties. My grandfather was this age when I was born. I feel ways about that.

I always compare myself to musicians or actors who I thought were old when I was young but who were younger then than I am now.

Y'all ever do that thing where you think, "Well if I was the 20th Century, WWII would be just about over."

Used to wonder when my age and the numeric place of the president would synch up and goddammit.

― pplains, Friday, September 20, 2019 6:25 AM (one hour ago)

hahah same here, omg that's depressing -- can we go back to talking about dying alone?

unless the current president is uh, removed from office, in the next approximately 40 days

My mom tries to manipulate me into having kids by constantly asking if I am scared to die alone. And I always say "evERYONE DIES aLoNe!" And then she tells me how old my imaginary kids would be if I had them when my spouse and I started dating. And then she says tells me to never have kids because they ruin your life. We have this routine down pat.

it's true though, the more ppl you make the more you have to part with when you, yes, die alone

this is a fun thread :-/

I've been 40 for about 2.5 months now, and I am overwhelmed by how much I have to look forward to.

i mean, it feels like there are enough people out there that if you're scared of dying alone at seventy you can probably find somebody else who's scared of dying alone at seventy? And if you're cool with octogenarians you can aim higher?
I sense this problem will be ""solved"" by an app. Perhaps someone would like to fund my LYFPARDNER kickstarter?

OK Curtains

Reapr, surely

All this stuff about being alone / single when in senior years is a lot of worry about nothing. We have no idea what we’ll be like by then.

Yup. Worry in general is not just useless but counterproductive. Obv we humans are predisposed to do it, and it can be very tough to break free from it.
I used to worry about "who'll take care of me when I'm old??", but I have an odd way of squashing that and getting comfort: if things get really bleak, I'll just kill myself. Problem solved! I'm not joking. I'd have had a good run, if things go downhill and there's no possibility they'll turn around, adios johnny bravo. I think that way about other things too. "What if my Crohn's gets a lot worse and I'm in constant pain? Eh just leave the mortal coil, pain is gone. I'm not suicidal or depressed in the least. To me, it's just being logical/practical. So much grief is caused by stressing about possible hardships or pains or losses. Idk that was a big weight of my mind.

xp Your Million Dollar Idea for Today

Especially one where Ned has very long grey hair

If I can rock David Sylvian's current look somehow (minus the beard) I'll be content.

I had a vasectomy a few weeks ago, and realised, as I was were waiting in the room beforehand with my wife, after seeing the doctor but before the anaesthetist, that this was the first and best of these occasions: waiting for something medical, but we know what it's for, we've chosen to come, and it'll make out lives better. The rest will suck more (but hopefully be a long while off)

_Especially one where Ned has very long grey hair_


If I can rock David Sylvian's current look somehow (minus the beard) I'll be content.

Having kids has been the most remarkable, most difficult thing I've done. It's so close and totalising that it's impossible to articulate, really - a bit like trying to articulate homeostasis or something. I've either not had the chance to consider the alone/together dichotomy or they're not quite old enough for it to have entered my consciousness yet. The way things are going in the UK, they'll still be living at home by the time I do one, anyway.

As for the walking stuff discussed up thread, I'd be fucked without it. Now the kids are that bit older and I have a job with extended holidays, on top of day walks when I can, I've taken to long 2 or 3 day walks on my own. I'm doing the Pilgrim's Way in bits (halfway to Canterbury) and nearly finished the South Downs Way. I was walking the Quantocks last April, pursuing Coleridge, and there was a moment coming out of a mist into a view of the sea when I thought, well, my 40s might just be the best bit so far.

ok i'm grudgingly inspired by that, chinaski

I consider kids so transformative that I'm practically a different person. Or some sort of strange hybrid. That is, I could be the exact same person I was, but now I have kids, which makes me a totally different person, very close to the person I used to be and yet so utterly, completely linked to these other (increasingly older and more mature) people I helped create that current me is an entirely new fusion of identities and responsibilities. Because of that there's been a bit of a struggle with personal growth and change and whatnot over the years, but my pre-kids mentality is so distant and fading at this point that I'm OK recognizing my current self as probably the happiest and most content I have ever been, despite natural ups and doubts. No doubt in part because I can see in real time and over time the effect (direct and indirect) I have on my kids. It's like being a parallel voyager in some time travel movie, watching others grow up dramatically even as I grow more imperceptibly at the exact same rate.

I used to wonder about what year I'd die. Then I decided on the season. My birthday's in November, so in order to avoid everyone adding a year to my age when they do the math with the dates, I decided that it would have to be in December.

Eventually, I realized that I'll die on a Wednesday morning. Maybe a Thursday afternoon. Either way, it's going to be a day just like any other.

I don't expect my kids to take care of me. My grandmother lived nearly alone for the last ten years of her life, losing a little bit of her mental health. My dad would drive over there to the adjoining state every month, and just between us talking here, I think he sometimes made it worse.

I like my kids. Heck, I even love them. I hope to see them around when I'm older, but I don't particularly want my adult son helping me use the bathroom or anything.

many good posts :)

I am 48, so on the tail end of this thread topic.

My body rebels from time to time, but nothing too serious so far.

While I have children and find them extremely engaging, I hope they have better plans than "taking care of me" as I age.

I have lots of parents and I don't "take care" of them. We've talked about it, and all agree that they will take care of themselves until they can't, then they will use their own fucking money to pay professionals to do it for them.

I intend to do the same. (Subject, of course, to the possibility that my later years will be some sort of apocalyptic hellscape. In which case, by all means, leave me to die. I'm only endangering the survival of the group. If you need to eat my flesh or use my bones as primitive clubs, I am cool with that. I've had a good run.)

I'm gonna be 48 in December. Married since I was 21 and she was 20, so got the "more than half our lives" thing well covered. No kids — it almost happened once, almost 20 years ago now and basically by accident, but it didn't stick and honestly I'm glad; neither of us has had anything like a steady career for quite a while and if I'd had to deal with that kind of uncertainty with a kid or kids to support I'd probably have stroked out. The real glue in our relationship is that we love each other and hate everyone else. That's all you need, I find.

My mom's a little past 70 and healthier than me, and I can't be sure but I feel like she's got a fair amount of money — she goes on multiple foreign trips each year now (she's currently in the Mediterranean and is planning a trip to China). My dad's dead, as are both of my wife's parents. I'm still kinda hoping/planning to figure out a way to move to a country with a functioning health care system before I get old and sick(er — I'm diabetic).