God bless the goddamn Onion

Yao Ming, who at 28 will soon be the only active player ever to be inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame, learned to play basketball when he was 3 years old after finding an untamed cobra in the mountains, a cobra of ancient legend whose very breath was poisonous. The cobra was taller than a full-grown tree, and beat Yao in one-on-one basketball competition every day for 19 straight years. Then, the very night before their final game, Yao prayed deeply to his ancestors and ingested more than 20 pounds of Yu Wan Mei fish by-products, and behold! Yao grew three feet while he slept.

Yao beat the cobra 11-0 the following morning, beheaded it with a great spear, fashioned a graceful sailing vessel from its colossal body, and rode this vessel across the Pacific Ocean to play professional basketball in the United States. There, Yao Ming became leader of the Rockets after receiving the Mandate of Heaven from previous team captain Hakeem Olajuwon.

It is worth repeating, sources confirmed, that Tracy McGrady should always pass the ball to Yao Ming.

when these guys do dumb, it is so so beautiful

...and then he swallowed the ocean.

the Yu Wan Mei spin-off site is quite something too

http://www.yuwanmei.com/img/yuwanmei_device_large.jpg

Code 41-Virtue-00B

This is kind of a step up for The Onion, I think -- instead of just parodying dumb-ass Americans, they're throwing some poo in a direction that no one else seems to be throwing it. "Hey, guys, let's not forget. China is still pretty fucking evil."

They should do way more themed issues.

Pretty dark, you guys.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_still_searching_for?utm_source=a-section

The sheer amount of LOL in this whole project is incredible. (scroll down for the subsidiaries: http://www.yuwanmei.com/products )

For some reason "Hu-Hu Poisonous Treats" just cracked me up.

the spoken ad at the end of the "Workers Protest Over-Ventilation Of U.S. Factories" radio bit!

Do not remove the Loyalty Bracelet.

I love the comments for an article on their Shawn Johnson Put Down After Breaking Leg video:
http://blogs.suntimes.com/sportsprose/2009/06/onions_shawn_johnson_dead_vide.html

loool "I AM CONFUSED.... IS SHE DEAD OR NOT?"

"Wow, this is going to look really candid since I'm always hanging out by scaffolding," says the terrible human being.

This picture is killing me.

That woman-missing video is like the cherry on the icing

Funniest racist jokes I've read in literally days!

^new ILE handle, thanks mods

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/american_children_like_me_are

:)

It's not a coincidence that the Missing Woman story is set in Grand Rapids, MI. I'm just sayin'.

have to say I don't find the china stuff hilarious, it is good but I prefer regular onion. I love the onion.

anyone capable of translating 'yu wan mei'?

'you want me'

i was hoping for better than that :(

my chinese ex told me that "yu wan mei" = "fish meal carbon"

and that the text running along the bottom of the andy rooney video is basically total gibberish

the only thing about this that is a bit sad is that they're trying to make #fishtime a trending topic on Twitter and it doesn't seem to be working. Pretty crap tag imo. Also wrt that stuff that was in the media earlier this week, or last week, about them being in a bit of trouble this might be like an attention grabbing gambit and that's sad. Some quality material though and nice for a change from usual stuff.

There's even a site for the parent company: http://www.yuwanmei.com/

鱼完美 = yú wán měi

鱼 = fish
完美 = perfect

fishy perfection!

a chinese translation blog entry about this used the title "Putting the 洋 in 洋蔥," which is... funny

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Sino_American.jpg

Okay I gotta give 'em this -- go to the home page and click on the Op-Ed link for this piece:

"The Internet Allows For A Free Exchange Of Unmitigated Information

Dana Lechter"

I was waiting for these

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyChinaIssue.jpg

i love this one

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyHSReunion.jpg

TV Listings »

2009 World Series Of Poker

ESPN

10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

The Vietnamese guy with the upside-down sunglasses won't show his cards, drawing a passive-aggressive rant from the fat Lebanese guy with the headphones.

Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

Ha! I just linked this on Facebook, right before I clicked on this thread. Big lol.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Malpractice.jpg

hahahahh

I love the Onion when it's dark. Because it's VERY dark.

Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

There tho, they simply do reportage

That's the dark part. :(

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gore?utm_source=videoembed

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8237558.stm

Two Bangladeshi newspapers have apologised after publishing an article taken from a satirical US website which claimed the Moon landings were faked.

The Daily Manab Zamin said US astronaut Neil Armstrong had shocked a news conference by saying he now knew it had been an "elaborate hoax".

Neither they nor the New Nation, which later picked up the story, realised the Onion was not a genuine news site.

Both have now apologised to their readers for not checking the story.

"We thought it was true so we printed it without checking," associate editor Hasanuzzuman Khan told the AFP news agency.

"We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site."

The article said Mr Armstrong had told a news conference he had been "forced to reconsider every single detail of the monumental journey after watching a few persuasive YouTube videos and reading several blog posts" by a conspiracy theorist.

"It took only a few hastily written paragraphs published by this passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological achievement' for me to realise I had been living a lie," the fake article "quoted" Mr Armstrong as saying.

The made-up quote went on to say that although the journey had felt real, in fact "the entire thing was filmed on a sound stage, most likely in New Mexico".

"I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind."

'Numerous hits'

The story was published on the Onion's website on Monday and on Wednesday, the Daily Manab Zamin translated it into Bengali, attributing it to the Onion News Network in Lebanon, Ohio. It then ran in New Nation on Thursday.

Daily Manab Zamin, the only tabloid newspaper in Bangladesh, published an apology to its readers on Thursday, saying the report had "drawn a lot of attention".

"We've since learned that the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident," it said.

"The Moon landing one was such a story, which received numerous hits on the internet.

"The truth is that Neil Armstrong never gave such an interview. It was made up. We are sorry for publishing the report without checking the information."

ha ha!

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/americans_observing_9_11_by?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

"the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident"

thats a rather quaint way of describing the Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/next_tarantino_movie_an_homage_to

"I really can't think of another living director who has made as large a contribution to the evolution of world cinema, and I feel it is my duty as a filmmaker to remind people of that."

LOLLL @ "5,000 great places to spit"

Self-Defense Instructor Simulates Attacker Right Down To Erection